With Ted Lasso back for Season 4, Tom Garrity considers how the quote “Be curious, not judgmental” can help us ask better questions. Check out the perception podcast to hear how asking the right questions can demonstrate humility, create understanding and help people find their way back to the middle.

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“Be curious, not judgmental.”

Welcome to the Perception Podcast, This is Tom Garrity. Today I’m tapping into my inner Ted Lasso to help us ask better questions…

If you're a Ted Lasso fan, you probably know the scene.

Ted is playing darts with Rupert, the former owner of AFC Richmond, when he recalls seeing a quote attributed to Walt Whitman: “Be curious, not judgmental.”

There is just one problem.

Apparently, Walt Whitman never said it.

Which, when you think about it, is wonderfully appropriate. A little curiosity about a quote encouraging curiosity reveals something we didn't know.

And regardless of who actually said it, I think Ted Lasso got the important part right.

Curiosity changes conversations.

With Ted Lasso back for a fourth season, I've been thinking again about why Jason Sudeikis' character resonates so strongly with me. Ted is optimistic, certainly. He's encouraging. He's empathetic.

But one of his most important qualities is that he's curious.

He asks questions.

And I've become increasingly convinced that asking the right question is one of the most powerful things we can do as leaders, communicators, friends—and people of faith.

Questions Require Humility

John Maxwell recently made a point on Craig Groeschel's leadership podcast that stuck with me: asking questions demonstrates humility.

Think about that.

When I ask a genuine question, I am acknowledging something important:

I don't know everything.

Maybe you know something I don't.

Maybe your experience is different from mine.

Maybe there is something I can learn from you.

That posture seems increasingly rare.

We live in a culture that rewards declarations. Social media rewards certainty. Political rhetoric rewards absolutes. Cable television rewards people talking over one another.

Everyone seems to have an answer.

But what if we asked more questions?

Curiosity creates room for something that judgment doesn't: discovery. 

Finding the Middle

I have been thinking a lot lately about “the middle.”

Not necessarily the political middle. The human middle.

That place where two people with different experiences, beliefs or perspectives are willing to meet.

It feels like we've vacated some of that space.

Curiosity can help us reclaim it.

Because asking someone a genuine question doesn't mean I agree with them. It doesn't require me to abandon my beliefs or convictions.

It simply says:

I want to understand.

There is an enormous difference between understanding someone and agreeing with someone.

And understanding usually starts with a question.

Ask Better Questions

One of my favorite books, Jamie Winship's Living Fearless, has reinforced for me the importance of asking questions—the right questions—and then being willing to listen for the answer.

There is an art to a good question.

Closed-ended questions have their place, but they usually produce closed-ended answers:

Yes.

No.

Maybe.

End of conversation.

Open-ended questions invite discovery.

Who?

What?

When?

Where?

Why?

How?

Those six words can take a conversation almost anywhere.

“What was that experience like for you?”

“How did you arrive at that conclusion?”

“Why is that important to you?”

“What am I missing?”

“What would you want me to understand?”

Those questions don't demand agreement.

They invite dialogue.

Purpose Driven. Presence Minded.

There is another part of curiosity that I am trying to practice more intentionally.

Don't just wing the important conversations.

Go into them purpose driven and presence minded.

Before a meeting, an interview, lunch with a friend or a difficult conversation, ask yourself:

What do I want to know as a result of this conversation?

That's different from asking, “What do I want to say?”

One focuses on broadcasting.

The other focuses on discovering.

And once the conversation begins, be present enough to listen to the answer.

Because the best question isn't always the one you prepared beforehand. Often, it's the question that becomes obvious because you actually listened to what the other person just said.

Their answer becomes your next question.

That's when a conversation stops feeling like an interview and starts becoming a connection.

Then Add Faith

For me, there is another dimension to all of this.

Before an important conversation, I can ask:

God, what do you want me to know about this person?

That changes my posture.

Instead of entering the conversation thinking about what I need to accomplish, I become curious about the person sitting across from me.

What is happening in their life?

What aren't they saying?

What burden might they be carrying?

Where might they need encouragement?

What can I learn from them?

What does God want me to see that I might otherwise miss?

When I enter a conversation that way, I find that the questions tend to come more naturally.

And so does listening.

What Do You Want to Know?

So here's my challenge.

Before your next meaningful conversation, resist the temptation to decide what you think about someone before you've taken the time to understand them.

Ask yourself:

What do I want to know?

Then ask a question.

Listen.

Ask another.

And remain curious enough to discover something you didn't already know.

Because judgment says, “I've got you figured out.”

Curiosity says, “Tell me more.”

One closes the door.

The other opens it.

Maybe Walt Whitman didn't actually say, “Be curious, not judgmental.”

But Ted Lasso did.

And that's still pretty darn good advice.

And if you accidentally ask a closed-ended question?

Be a goldfish. Forget the mistake quickly, get curious, and keep moving forward.

 This concludes the Perception Podcast a product of The Garrity Group Public Relations where we help small businesses to be heard and large organizations to be understood. More information about our team, clients and additional resources can all be found on garritypr.com.  Thank you for listening.