Starve the Doubts

Dissolving the Anchor with Hailima Yates

July 09, 2021 Jared Easley
Starve the Doubts
Dissolving the Anchor with Hailima Yates
Show Notes Transcript

Hailima Yates is the CEO/Founder of Luv Mrk, a transformation speaker, and author. She has over 20 years of experience participating in and providing various programs, workshops, and multifaceted performances on building self-esteem, addressing social issues, and tackling other life challenges to cultivate a more compassionate approach to the way we treat ourselves and others.

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Dissolving the Anchor

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Dissolving the Anchor with Hailima Yates

[00:00:00] I always just want to make sure that people are aware of what they are capable of. So just be aware of what factors have developed your views of yourself, of others, of life and how that's influencing your choices and how that then is impacting the certain experiences in your life and results that you're having.

Because when you're aware of what is harmful to your self identity, your, your self-esteem. Then you can look at those messages and be like, I no longer believe in you. I will no longer accept that this is true. This is, I don't have to agree with this because when you can face that and finally say that that's not going to be your reality, then you can finally make sure that you do know your worth and you're making choices that will reflect that.

Welcome to the podcast. My name is Jared, and I'm one of the guys. Well started the doubts and of course my other co-host is Ms. Christine, Christina. Yeah. I'm good. How are you doing? I'm behaving. And of course, [00:01:00] it's not about either of us. It is about Holly eights, C as our special guest today. She's the CEO and founder of love.

Mark. She's a transformation speaker and author has over 20 years of experience participating in and providing various programs, workshops, and multifaceted performances on building self-esteem addressing social issues and tackling other life challenges to cultivate a more compassionate approach to the way we treat ourselves.

And others. And so I'm learning to treat you better, Mr. Christine. So I thought there's no better way to do that than to bring Halima on and to convince me and, uh, yeah. Uh, I thank you for being a part of this. We appreciate it. Well, thank you for having me. It's so nice to meet you both. Yeah. And you, you actually just came out with a new book.

So we're going to talk about that. And, uh, a lot, lots of fun stuff going on, but we always like to start off a little bit icebreaker and, um, one of the questions that's one of my favorites is what's the best concert that you'd been to. So how am I concert comedy show performance? Anything what stands out to you?

No, that's, what's really funny is [00:02:00] I don't really go to concerts. So I'm actually going to have to share something from way back in the day when I went to a boy's to many concerts.

She had a ticket and she invited me. So I was like, yeah, let's go. So yeah, it's going to be voiced my concert. Well, Christine's from west Philly, so I think she's got some low back again, if we're not careful, Christine. Or I'm trying to be more compassionate, so. Okay. All right. So, uh, w we will now dive into some, finish the sentence, style questions.

So pristine. Why don't you kick us off here? Have you ever visited Denver? Oh man. There's just so many great things to stay in Denver. Um, visit the mountains. The dispensary then mountain

I was afraid. I was afraid that someone on, on the, our [00:03:00] hosting squad might go there and I knew it would. All right. So, uh, continuing with the fitness said, it's my favorite thing about Maui is. Oh, gosh, the beautiful scenery, the environment. It's just as beautiful and the weather. I loved it. I love beautiful.

Christine, have you ever been there? I have not been smiling. Hopefully changes over time. We literally just got back from now. You're right before the shutdown from the pandemic, we got back a week before they shut down. Okay, well, that is a good place to have visited right before

there was like, I remember back when

we should go back there. Okay. Let's continue on another. Fill in the blank is key to buying a new house with your partner is blank. Making sure you both can afford it. Yep. [00:04:00] It sounds like you got a little experience there. Harlem, is there a story there we are actually on the process of finishing off paying off our debt so we can finally buy a house.

Congratulations. So you and your, you and your significant other will be looking for a new house, is that yes. We were trying to decide which if we want to stay in Colorado or if we want to move somewhere closer to the water, what we want to do, but yeah, we're, we're paying things off and we're saving up for being able to get a house next year.

Good for you. And there's plenty of water in Florida. Last time I checked, right, Christina. Yeah, we still have one. That's actually where we're looking, my parents live in Ormond beach. And so we're kind of like, oh my God. That's like right here. That's like Christina's Daytona represents to the barbecue,

to the cookout. Invite me to the barbecue. Okay, finish this sentence. This is the last one. When writing a book for [00:05:00] over 20 years, it is important to know what you want to say. That's going to be effective. That's going to be effective. Very good answer. Yeah. All right. Christine, I'm seeing that you crowdfunded your book.

What was that like? What was that experience like? What'd you learn from it and would you do anything differently if you had to do it? Well, it was a good experience because I wanted to have multiple people involved. I didn't want to just write a book and be like, here it is. And just send it out there. I wanted to actually have it be something that people felt a part of.

So I loved that aspect of it. Yeah. I was happy to be able to raise the money. That was great. Cause at first I was like, oh my gosh, what am I thinking? Am I really gonna raise this? But, um, so that was great that I was able to raise the money and have a fully funded. What I would do differently is start planning for it earlier because I pretty much just like, I kind of knew I wanted to do it, but I didn't like put a lot.

Planning into it beforehand. I [00:06:00] kind of knew how I was going to do what I was going to do, but I think I would have probably made it maybe have waited a month or so before really getting it going, but it still worked out just great. So, but yeah, I would think just, um, maybe planning a little bit more heavily for it, but it was still successful.

Now, could you tell us about dissolving the anchor and what inspired that. Yes. So does Lamoney anchor is of partner more part self-help guide, and I use narrative poetry and art that I commissioned from artists worldwide in order to share the experiences that I've had, that caused me to have a low self esteem, a negative self image.

Just experiences that led me to go to substance use and have suicidal ideation. And then I detail how I got out of that struggle to finally shift my mindset, value myself, and make choices that are intentional to make sure that I realized that I'm capable of trading the kind of life that I want. And I wanted to write this book to be away from, [00:07:00] yes, I'm sharing my story, but also providing advice for people to be aware of what they have within them to be able to manage it, overcome adversities, and then just be able to emotionally heal and know that they're capable as well as creating the kind of life that they prefer to live.

And the angle, the reason why I call it dissolve and the anchor is cause I see anchor as. A way of holding yourself back. And so to dissolve, what's holding you back is to understand what developed your beliefs that are holding you back to begin with. What have you experienced? What have you learned and how have these lessons and experiences brought you into believing that you're not enough or that you don't matter, or you're not capable of anything or whatever it is, where you're tearing yourself down to hold yourself back from being happy and living a life that you can enjoy.

So anything that's holding you back from that, being able to. No, what is holding you back? What developed it to begin with and be able to face it. And unaccept devaluing views of truth and be able to emotionally heal from experiences. That's how you can dissolve your anchor [00:08:00] and be able to move forward.

Hmm. You mentioned talking about sharing your story and we love stories here on this show. So I want to, um, go there for a moment. You've traveled the world. You've worked with clients all over the world. What's a funny story from your journey in college. You know, I can't really think of a funny story right now from traveling.

I can think of one. That's funny from living here in Colorado, but from traveling, I can think of a story that's really impactful. That really helped me to shift my life into a more beneficial direction. Would it be okay if I share that? Yes, please. So when I was in Vietnam, There were other Vietnam vets who went with us on this trip as well.

And it was their first time going back to Vietnam after the war. And so that was quite the experience for them too. One of them actually mentioned, he was like, it's, it's interesting to come off the plane and be presented with flowers instead of bullets. And yeah, that was, that was something to hear like [00:09:00] right when we got there, that, that was like the first thing.

But there was one of the gentlemen who was on this trip with us. Meant, like he changed my life in so many ways. There's a lot of gentlemen that were there that I felt I learned a lot from, but one of them, every time you asked him how he was doing, he said, I'm doing great. Today is the best day of my life.

And so I had, I went to him and I was like, you know what? I love that. Like every time someone asks you, how you are, you say you're doing great. Today's the best day of your life. And he said, yeah, it's better than the alternate. And I loved it because for so long, I didn't want to live, you know, I had suicidal ideation.

I attempted suicide. I didn't know how to enjoy life. I didn't know how to handle life challenges or, or deal with a lot of things I was dealing with. And to hear someone talk about how much he enjoyed life and how it's the best day. It had me want to realize what I can do to make sure that I can have best days to make me be happy when I get up every day.

And what can I do with my life? So it just, it meant a lot to me to hear that. And I love sharing that with other people that I [00:10:00] meet because it just, it meant so much to me. And if it can help anyone else to realize that it is great to wake up and have it, like, what can you do to have it be your best?

My next question, that the news and the social media can have a very angry spirit and be very nice. How do you shield yourself from that, that negativity? It seems to be like really unavoidable in the culture nowadays. Yeah. We're bombarded with it everywhere. Whether it's social media, the news, I mean, it's just constant.

So for me personally, I actually don't get on social media that often, if I do get on social media, I try to visit the pages that I know are going to be uplifting or are funny, or just some checking in on friends. But if I am seeing things. That are sad or they bring me down and it could be something that can trigger me in a way where it upsets me.

I just that's my go through my self-care routines. I need to know what works for me to make me happy. So I just [00:11:00] will just participate in stuff like that, whether it's talking to people that I care about and, and having, you know, building relationships that are positive, or I'm going to like watch a funny movie or go for a walk or just whatever makes me happy.

That's what I started doing whenever. When I see something on social media that, you know, upsets me or whatever. Cause there's so much that's all there. So yeah. Yeah. If you can limit your time on it, I kind of recommend it or just spend time visiting the pages that you knew were going to be uplifting. Oh, I totally agree.

You mentioned self-reflection and talk about purpose in your book. And I don't want to go there for a little bit finding what you love to do. How did you find your purpose and how can others find their. It actually started when, I mean, it's interesting. I was living my purpose before I realized that that's what it was.

Um, when I graduated high school, I continued to write poetry and then I started to share it. And then I, um, was starting to get invited to like speak at places and it kind of dealt with like diversity [00:12:00] appreciation and I was also in plays for. That focused on life challenges. And so I always love to be a part of things that had a message in order to uplift us and realize what we have within us to, to love ourselves and to be able to move forward in life from any, any challenges we faced.

And it was when I was in college, when I really started to realize that this is what I want to do, and this is what I can do. When I went back to college because I went once, then went back to my self sabotaging ways and then I went back to college in Alaska and that's yeah. Alaska is really awesome. If you haven't been, I recommend checking it out, but yeah.

Being in Alaska, away from everyone I knew and except for one person. Yeah. Being able to realize who I really was being in a new environment like that for a certain amount of time, I was a part of a lot of leadership roles. And it had me realized that I loved being a part of things where you're collaborating with other people too, whether it's using the arts or just using certain methods, to have [00:13:00] people be aware of what has developed their perceptions that are influencing their choices and how it's having certain results and how you're going to have some results and experiences because of it.

So I love being part of anything that can shift your mindset to a more beneficial direction. And that's how, like, after I graduated and started working at a university, I started getting more involved into things that, that kept on putting me in a place where I could be of any use to help uplift people.

Now you mentioned plays, what are some plays that resonate with you? Well, I love the arts, so I mean, any type of book play, like I absolutely love, but the kind of plays that I was in, it was definitely like educational type of plays. Like I was in place for domestic violence and dealing with like health insurance, like how it was affecting the elderly and how they weren't getting a lot of coverage.

Just stuff dealing with substance use. So it was, it was always had always had a message and I that's the kind of place that I love at [00:14:00] any, anything that has a message that's positive. I just love it. Yeah. That makes sense, Jared. I'm sorry. I think I cut you off. No, you're absolutely good. Continue. Uh, domestic violence here.

You're good. Oh Lord.

You share a story where you had to be resilient and any lessons that you've learned from that particular experience or situation. Yeah, I would say the, the first experience for, oh gosh, there's so many actually, but for whatever reason, since we were just talking about domestic violence, that's what I'm going to talk about.

I actually didn't know I was in a relationship that was considered a domestic violence relationship because I always thought that it meant. Physical abuse. I always thought that it meant like you, they actually put their hands on you and there's bruises to see that it was, that you've been in this type of a situation.

Right. But I didn't that's. Yeah. And I learned that that's not true. That it's actually, I mean, it's part of it, of course, but you can actually experience verbal and emotional abuse [00:15:00] as well. And I, I was in a relationship like that. And, um, it did, for the most part, there was some pushing that, that happens to me and he did raise his hand.

And at that point I was just like, you know what? This is only going to get worse. And I'm over here. Like, I was just in a play about this. Like, how did I, it was interesting. Like I was in a play about this. I was learning about it. And then I'm, I'm in a relationship like this and it was interesting, like being in.

You didn't realize you're in it. And so, yeah, I, um, I thought that I really cared about him and thought that, you know, I can make it work and I had a friend talk to me about it, and they're just like you, when you're ready to go, you got to just go and you can't allow him to manipulate you to try and stay in this situation and, and, uh, stay in there because that's what the guy would do to me.

He would make me feel bad every single time. And I finally had to. Not allow myself to be hurt from him, like trying to even cry to get me to stay. And there was a philosophy that I had to be able to allow myself to not let him back in [00:16:00] and not be able to come to the house or just be in my life in any way.

I had to really do a lot to just step away from that. And, um, I feel like that was where I was resilient, where I was able to finally step away from that situation and realize that I deserved that. Yeah. And that, that has become a part of your story as maybe more empathetic and just helping you to relate to people more.

So it's unfortunate. You had to go through that, but I'm glad that you can now share that. What point did you actually transition from being dependent on others to becoming, or really feeling like you are self-dependent. You know, I wish I could tell you that it happened early on in my life. Honestly, it was more closer to recently than it was earlier because I was still, even though I knew that I wanted to be a part of anything to help uplift others and be a part of that, I still wasn't using it as a career.

I was still having that be like something I would do on the side or something I would do for free. And it wasn't until I started love mark, where I realized that, you know, this is what I definitely want to do for the rest of my life. [00:17:00] And I have to start. Actually charging for my services. Yeah. Cause I was, I was like living with people and I was just like, you know, I, this meant so much to me that I didn't realize what I could do to make sure that I could actually profit off of this and still.

Do this in an ethical way. So yeah, it's just some time to figure that out, but yeah, I'm, I feel like really just recently I've realized how to make sure that I'm strategic with every step that I take. And it's, everything's intentional to make sure it's going to get me towards the goal or goals that I have.

So, yeah, it was pretty recent. The snow, when you're a struggling, how do you focus on gratitude? Yeah, it just, it depends. So if I'm struggling on something, I can't just jump to gratitude depending on the situation. So depending on what I'm struggling on, I need to actually address it and realize, well, what is the issue here and what can I do to resolve.

Because [00:18:00] after I can resolve it, then I'm able to move forward. If I was to just straight go to, well, I'm grateful for this. I'm grateful for that. It will be temporary for me. I definitely have so much I'm grateful for, but if there is something bothering me, I have to I'm. I definitely am the kind of person where I just, I have to solve it.

And if it's something that's out of my control and I can't solve it, then I worked on, on ways to just release it from realizing I can't control it. And I realized what I can control and that's my reaction and the choices that I make. So that's when I would go to, well, let me go in and go with what I'm grateful for and what can I do moving forward to feel better.

You mentioned intentional. And so I want to just go back to that for a moment. What are some choices that you've made in this week that were intentional? And what is the difference between intentional versus just being selfish? Um, well, I guess selfish would be where I'm just making choices that are just going to serve me, but sometimes you do need to be selfish.

Like sometimes you have to make sure you choose yourself first and you're taking care of yourself. Because if you're constantly [00:19:00] making sure that you're doing everything for everyone else, then you're emptying yourself. And what are you doing to make sure that you're doing okay, physically, mentally your spirit, your soul.

Like you definitely have to make sure you're taking care of yourself too. But when it comes to making intentional steps, depending on what your goal is like for me, like you said, for the week, I have some workshops, a series of workshops that I'm doing for a corporation. And then plus I still have other things that I'm doing.

So it's just for me, I have to write in my calendar what I need to take care of first to make sure that I can get things done on time while I can also still make sure I have some of my me time. Cause I, I used to just like have my calendar filled with things to do and I would just be burning out and night is like, okay, you gotta grind.

Cause it can grind. Then you're going to be successful. And it, to me, it's like now at this point, What do you need to do? And what can you do? That's humanly possible within the timeframe. And that's your, you ask about the week. So what can you do within the week and with a certain amount of time that you have to still make [00:20:00] sure that you have time to relax and rest and, you know, get things done when you need to get it done.

So you have to put things in a calendar to make sure. Get done. What needs to happen?

we talked about struggling. What is it balance between being compassionate towards someone that's struggling first is just being, you know, enabling. Yeah, it is a very good question because you do want to deal with, you can to help others. Like if you care about someone and they're going through something and you, of course you want to be there for them, but you do need to know the, have a balance to make sure that you aren't enabling them.

So I love that you asked that question, so it depends on what's going on. Like for instance, in my situation, I will. Constantly going from job to job, to job. And I knew I'd have people who would let me live with them. So I, I didn't have any goals because I was like, I had a safety net. And so that was a way of being enabled because I knew that I always had somewhere to go.

[00:21:00] People would always let me stay with them. So. It would be good if sooner on someone would have spoke with me and said, Hey, what are your goals? So you can be able to be independent. Like if they had a conversation with me to have me be aware of like the choices that I was making and how it wasn't getting me any further in life to have any stability.

So that could be a way that you can be there for someone is having them. But you have to do this in such a way where you're not putting them down and making them feel like they're not like living the life that they should, they need to live a life. That's good for them. But like, if you notice someone's.

Carrying out a behavior that is being destructive, or it's not getting them in the direction, you know, that they want to go in, then have that conversation with them and share like some methods or tools or some advice that, you know, that can help them be aware of what they can do to be able to move forward so that it could be a way of being there for someone.

I mean, it's great. Give someone a roof over the head or don't, you know, donate money, whatever it is that someone has helped with some of the talk to support. What can [00:22:00] you do also to help them to not keep on being in that situation? Do you think you would have actually received that feedback? I know, I know it's sometimes when you're in the middle of this.

That may not be easy to hear. Yeah. It definitely, sometimes it can be hard to hear it and then sometimes you can hear it, but it doesn't stick. So like, when I was in, when I was visiting Florida, I was visiting a family friend and this was another, another thing that was said to me that really was like, oh, That helps.

That's helpful. And, um, I was having a down moment and I wasn't really doing anything and I wasn't going anywhere. And he told me, he was just like, you know what, every day you wake up, you've been given another chance to make your life better. And I wasn't offended by that because I needed to hear it. So I guess it just depends on what you're ready to hear too, but it hasn't, we realized, you know, and this was before I went to Vietnam and I had that, that say that statement before, but yeah, I was just like, well, okay.

When I wake up. You know, you have that as a gift and what am I going to do with it? I wasn't [00:23:00] yet still at that place where I was excited to wake every up every day, but I was, you know, it's like, okay, when I wake up, what am I going to do with it? That's going to get me to where I want to go. So hearing that it woke me up a little bit, but it, and it helped out a lot, but I still had so much to learn and so much to do to still grow.

So I think it's like that constantly. Putting yourself around people or hearing things or being in situations where you can constantly see that it is possible for you to change your life and believe it, because I was constantly around people who were successful. I was constantly around people who were making their life the way they wanted it to.

But for some reason I wasn't realizing I could have it. So it would have been helpful. I mean, I, I unfortunately just like, just had to realize that, you know, I mean, have some work down the road, I had to realize that while each step that I'm taking is going to create certain results and experiences. So I need to be aware of what I'm doing because I've had people along the, along my journey, tell me things that were definitely [00:24:00] helpful and uplifting and can definitely change your mindset.

But for some reason it didn't stick with me until more things kept happening. But yeah, so it depends on if the person's ready to hear it and no matter what, you're still planting a seed. So at least say it cause it'll, they'll still remember. Yeah, whether they're receptive or not as on them. Yeah. We'll take a moment.

I'm going to celebrate you and your power. So please take a moment to breath brag on some of your recent Windsors. I would just say that now that I finally know what I want to do and love mark has been more successful. I've been working with more nonprofit, realizations and corporations. Yeah. Finally finishing this book, knowing how I wanted to write it and how I wanted to create it, to have it be beneficial to the reader.

Those are the wins that I have right now. I'm finally living. Like we don't have our own house will be my husband and I, we have our own apartment. They were renting, but that's still a win too, because we're living on her own and we're [00:25:00] saving up to buy a place. So those are some wins, right? Absolutely. And now that you have more clarity, you kinda know what you will allow and what you won't allow.

So I'm curious, what type of people are you not allowing into your circle? I don't allow people in my life who don't value me and who like, if they don't respect me, if they don't like, appreciate me. If you're in my life, I care about you. I mean, okay. I care about everyone, but if we have a relationship, I want the best for you, and I want to treat you with respect and I value our friendship.

I value our relationship. And if you don't feel the same, and if you treat me in a way that. You're tearing me down or you're you're you can be dismissive or if there's certain things you're doing that's disrespectful, I will no longer accept those in my life anymore. And for so long I did because I didn't want to be alone, but I finally realized that I have enough love for myself.

And I have, I do have good people around me who I know care about me and value me, and [00:26:00] I don't need to have other people in my life who don't respect me and don't want to treat me with respect. I won't accept that anymore. Absolutely. Now, please tell us the story of how you were able to not fake it till you make it, but actually beat it.

Yeah. I just, you know, I have a hard time with the whole faking it till you make it thing. Like, I, I don't really know how to do that. Yeah. For me, I just, I really don't understand how to do that. I actually need to, to be it. I actually need to believe it and I need to be able to be. Whoever it is that I am at that time or at that stage in my life.

I mean, I can't attend. I'm rich. I can't pretend I'm famous. I, you know, like all of that stuff, I, that just doesn't work for me. So I don't even know what to say about that. Yeah. So for me, you know, knowing who you are, what you're capable of and continue to make choices where it allows you to be who, you know, you are.

[00:27:00] You feel like you're like if you have any self doubts and you don't feel like you're really as amazing as you truly are, then just keep on doing what you can on a shaving, what you want to achieve in life and knowing that it's within you. And as you continue to do it, you'll start to believe it and you'll become it.

I appreciate you sharing that. How about, so as we start to wrap up here, we've got a couple of questions to close out. Who's doing something that intrigues or interested. I don't have a specific person. I would just say the people that I noticed that are working really hard to do what they want to do in life, you know, whether you're an Olympian or whether you're an entrepreneur or, you know, just an everyday person, but.

Out there living your life, the best way that you can and doing what you can to be authentic, to be in. I think the person who is making the best choices in your life and you're uplifting other people too, while you do [00:28:00] that, people like that, I just appreciate so much and I admire and respect, and I just look up to them so much.

Our listeners pick up your book, how can they stay connected with you and your current projects online? You can just go to H I gates.com. So it's my initials and my last name. So dot com and you can see what social media platforms Mon you can email me if you want to be a part of, if you want to participate in any of my workshops or if you want to work together or order a book.

Yeah. Just contact me in HIV, go to HIV aids.com and connect with me there. Uh, how I, we really appreciate you and, and, uh, excited about your book, dissolving the anchor. Uh, do you have any final thoughts for the list? You know, my final thought, I always just want to make sure that people are aware of what they are capable of.

And so just be aware of what factors have developed your views of yourself, of others, of life and how that's influencing your choices and how that then is impacting [00:29:00] the certain experiences in your life and results that you're having. Because when you're aware of what is harmful to your self identity, your, your self esteem, then you can.

Look at those messages and be like, I no longer believe in you. I will no longer accept that this is true. This is, I don't have to agree with this. And this is not my reality because when you can face that and finally say that that's not going to be your reality, then you can finally make sure that you do know your worth and you're making choices that will reflect.

Well, how am I? We appreciate your work. We appreciate, uh, all that you have, uh, shared with us today and, uh, absolutely wish you the best. Look forward to following up with you and finding out all the good things about your upcoming move to Florida. They might be

Yeah, we'll see what happens. And maybe I get invited to that. Barbecue. Thank you again. Halma we are excited [00:30:00] for you looking forward to seeing what happens. Thank you. Thank you. Have a good day. .