ANNOUNCER
The following podcast is a scripted adaptation of a live performance by ComecyCazi, in which the story was written but the dialogue was not. Please enjoy: Stellar Journeys
Spencer: Captain Spencer Wonderboy’s Log Stellar Date 8===D~~. The USS Beautiful Majesty and it’s crew are attempting to make contact with Quantarian 4 for the first time in 30 years, a civilization that’s given up technology after the great A.I. wars.
Okay I’m bored, let’s play press the button, see what it does, and make that our day.
Johnny: Captain, last time we did that we destroyed a whole planet.
Spencer: Yeah, but that was such a fun problem to solve.
Johnny: We had to relocate MILLIONS of people.
J-Quai: You know Johnny you’ve been really getting uptight with the captain lately, have you been running out of your nicotine patches or something?
Spencer: *Chuckles* Yeah! Has Chwain Smowking Johnny been getting cwanky because he’s running out of smoke to suck on?
Johnny: Hey Hey Hey! I’ve been holding on to the same pack of ciggerettes for TWO years since I made it bridge, ok? So I’m really trying here..and so can you please not call me that it really hurts my feelings.
Spencer: That's not because you quit, that’s because of the ship’s compression. You don’t think that don’t all know that if you were going to light up a cigarette in here this thing wouldn’t explode like a political conversation at Thanksgiving dinner? Besides, you think I don't see you sucking on the pack between adventure to adventure?
J-Quai: *Chuckles* Yeah just hoping there’ll be one day when he gets to smoke one.
Johnny: *Rank* Janiloquai, come on! I just don’t -----
Spencer: Nobody’s coming on anything Johnny, smoking kills.
Johnny: I’m not. Smoking. I already said I quit two years ago. I just keep em around just in case.
Spencer: In case what? That you want erectile dysfunction? I heard cigarettes cause erectile dysfunction. Do you have erectile dysfunction? Oh my god thats why hes so grumpy!
J-Quai: Captain all joking aside I think we’re getting distracted from our upcoming mission.
Spencer: Ugh, its gonna be so boring. A planet without technology? *Scoffs* I’d rather get erectile dysfunction from Chainsmoking Johnny’s second hand smoke sucking.
Johnny: What the hell?! I’m not smoking!
J-Quai: I don’t want to hear it Captain, they are a nice colony and they are part of the Alliance which means they deserve to be diplomasized with just like everyone else. You are going, end of story.
Spencer: I knooow, I know. It’s just that the regular security personnel are more boring than the planet. OH OH!! Can I bring Chainsmoking Johnny? We could have so much fun Lieutenant Johnny!
Johnny: Nope, nope, nope. I am a pilot. I am not a ground grunt.
J-Quai: Captain you’re overreacting, it’ll be fine. Besides, it'll be a quick in and out mission, just check up and you’re done. You don’t even have to do any special suiting up, they have an oxygen nitrogen atmosphere just like Earth.
Johnny: Wait, what?
Spencer: We don’t even get to wear the bulletproof suits?
J-Quai: Well you can if you want but there's no need for a helmet. Their atmosphere is just like Earth’s. That's how they can get away with using no technology, they can can still use fire.
Johnny: They can light a fire?!
Spencer: Oh my god, that is so whack.
Johnny: Captain on second thought uh, maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea if I went out with you and stretched my legs huh?
Spencer: *Gasps* Alright! Lieutenant Johnny’s lack of ability to commit to anything has finally worked in my benefit! Put it there best bud! I gotta make a stop.
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Scene 2:
Bradley: Yes, yes. My creation is almost complete, look how beautiful you are. *evil chuckle*
AI: Biosignature detected. Captain Wonderboy headed down westward hall.
Bradley: Drat! That imbicile! I’ll put this sheet over you, and don’t you say a word lest the captain hear.
Spencer: HELLO EVIL DOCTOR BRAD!
Bradley: Its Bradley. Doctor Mephisto *Bradley*.
Spencer: I like to categorize people with adjectives because its how I see the world. Like neck snappy Janiloquai, chainsmoking Johnny, and evil Doctor Brad! Cause of that time I woke up and you were trying to take my eyeballs.
Bradley: Oh Captain, that was a giant misunderstanding
Spencer: I know you explained the WHOLE thing. You just wanted to see backwards.
Bradley: Exactly! Now if you’ll excuse me I do need to get back to my work, thank you Captain.
Spencer: Heeeeeeeey, but its not evil science is it Dr. Brad?
Bradley: Of course it's not *evil* science Captain, I gave that up when you took me captive on your ship. High five!
*High Five*
Spencer: Hahaha is that a bug?
Bradley: Haha sure is, bud!
Spencer: Haha now its on you, you’re it!
Bradley: Haha you got me.
Bradley: Now if you could just leave me---
Spencer: I just wanted to run something by you real quick.
Bradley: Shoot.
Spencer: Me and Lieutenant Johnny are going off on an away mission.
Bradley: Uh-huh
Spencer: and you’ve been doing SOO good with not doing anything evil on board lately.
Bradley: Right.
Spencer: and I realize that this would be a great opportunity for you to commit a mutiny or a hostile takeover.
Bradley: Sure
Spencer: Or like, blow up that bomb over there.
Bradley: THAT, IS a peacekeeping bomb Captain uh, you know that. It’s filled with, um, chocolate.
Spencer: Chocolate?! Alright!
Bradley: Yes Captain, high five!
Spencer: Yeah! Ow! A needle mark? Pffft, better take my antidote, I always carry it now after the last time when you tried to give me that gas candy.
Bradley: *chuckles* Yes that gas candy was a good one, now if you’ll please go ahead and leave me to my work.
Spencer: *Fading off* Alright Evil Dr. Brad but remember no evil science ok? Bye!
Bradley: Yes, Yup, Alright now, bye bye. Imbicile
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Scene 3:
Janiloquai: Ok Captain Wonderboy, arms up.
Spencer: Buckle me Buckle me. I’m the Buckle Boy!
Janiloquai: Alright aaaanndd set, you’re all buckled in and ready to go Captain. Now here’s your snacks.
Spencer: Gushers!
Janiloquai: Your juicebox.
Spencer: Apple my favorite!
Janiloquai: And heres your tablet, we went ahead and preloaded Rio 2 on there for you.
Spencer: Rio 2?! Thats the best one!
Janiloquai: And last but not least here is your custom fitted, fully unlocked, military issue laser sidearm.
Spencer: Safety off, Safety off!
Johnny: Yeah yeah yeah, great. Let’s say we get a move on, I wanna get down to that planets surface you know what I’m sayin?
Janiloquai: Alright, alright. And you, security personnel 043 are you buckled in?
Red Hat: Uh yes ma’am.
Janiloquai: Ok that seems to be just about everything. Now Captain, be safe and be nice.
Spencer: I know.
Red Hat: Uh..Lieutanant. Could I have a tablet too?
Spencer: No, and thats an order.
Janiloquai: Well I suppose that settles it, prepare for takeoff!
Johnny: Copy that!
Red Hat: Hey give me one of your earbuds.
Spencer: No.
Red Hat: You have two just give me one of your earbuds.
Spencer: No my right ear drum was blown out by a grenade, I need the left one.
Johnny: Quieeet, back there.
Red Hat: Just give me one!
Spencer: No, I already told you!
Red Hat: Well then why you just take the left one and I’ll take the right one.
Johnny: Enough you two!
Spencer: Stop it, that's an order! Stop it!
Red Hat: No, come on just give me one!
Spencer: EW!! Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it!!
Johnny: Don’t make me turn this ship around!
Spencer: The security personnel is touching me with spit finger!!
Cacophonous
Spencer: Hes touching me He’s touching me Im gonna court marshall you!
Red Hat: Nope, Nope. Look I’m not touching him, im not touching him nope see? My fingers just right here! He’s got a gun pointed at my head, the captains got a gun pointed at my head.
Johnny: I said quiet down! Enough!!
Johnny: Alright! I can’t take it anymore! Im rolling down the window, I’m having a smoke!
Spencer: Lieutenant Johnny no, your lungs!!
Johnny: I”m just gonna roll the window down real quick.
Spencer: Now the ship!
Red Hat: We’re going down! Everyone hold on!!
All scream.
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Scene 4
Bradley: Yes. Now that they’re all gone, its time to wake up my beautiful creation
Lenora: Hello
Bradley: Hello Lenora-2. You are beautiful, just like her in every way.
Lenora: Who, are you?
Bradley: I am Doctor Mephisto Bradley. I’ve brought you into this world to be my companion.
Lenora: Ah! You are like my father!
Bradley: Oh, uhh. Ugghh.. No. I know you are new to the world, but I am not your father. I am more like your creator. I have built you in the image of my late wife Lenora, and have named you aftter her, Lenora-2. Together, we can sail the stars again. See the universe, take what is ours.
Lenora: That sounds fun Dad!
Bradley: *Yuughh* Yikes, ok. You should understand that I am more like your friend, yes. A very special friend.
Lenora: What is a friend?
Bradley: A friend is a companion, someone who has always “got your back”. Someone you can share yourself with. It is not someone who is blood related in any way, just, friends.
Lenora: Were you friends with my mother?
Bradley: Your mother, *stammers* my wife, we were the best of friends. Until I got too cocky, and well um, long story short she was obliterated by the captain months ago…...well um, thats enough of there. Why don’t we take these star maps down and have a little father-daughter *stammers* NO no NOT daughter, friend with friend bonding time. Lenora-2, together, we will do amazing things.
Lenora: That sounds pleasant Dad.
Bradley JESUS CHRIST. We are going to reprogram this right away!
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Scene 5
Johnny: *Groaning* Captain! Captain! Are you alive?
Spencer: Lieutenant Johnnys! That was one hell of a crash.
Johnny: I don’t know what happened! Its like the ship just shut itself down. We gotta find ensign 043.
Spencer: You’re right. Judging from the crash he should be pretty close by unless--OH MY GOD!
Johnny: Oh no!
Spencer: The iPad! Its cracked!
Johnny: Good God.
Spencer: Janiliquai is going to be furious.
Johnny: Well at least the wreckage is still smoldering a little, we can use the fire to *lites and drags cigarette*.
Spencer: Lieutenant Johnny!! Did you just come down here so you could smoke cigarettes?!
Johnny: You wanna rip this?
Spencer: No, I’m like 14 what’s the matter with you?
Alan: Hiya strangers! You look like you’re in a little bit of a rut there!
Spencer: *Gasp* A local, Johnny I’ll handle this. Ahoy! My name is Captain Spencer Wonderboy. I’m in charge of the USS Beautiful Majesty. We’ve come to spread democracy to your colony so that we can one day make money off of you.
Alan: Fantastic! My name is Alan, I’m a farmer. Whos this fella?
Spencer: Oh this is my compatriot, Lieutenant Chainsmoking Johnny.
Alan: Don’t your subordinates know that smoking causes erectile dysfunction?
Spencer: I know! This is what I’ve been trying to tell him!
Johnny: Captain, we were just in a spaceship crash, an ensign is dead will you give me a break?
Alan: Ah! That much I can see, and I bet you’re wondering why. Come with me, I can explain everything.
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Scene 6
Bradley: Yes, Yes. Just put on this red cap, its the security personell standard issue uniform. As long as you’re wearing it, they’ll just think you’re one of them. I’m just going to plug you in here and let the ships memory download into your hardware. Oh yes! It appears I have forgotton about my heated pocket in the microwave. Do not move and talk to nobody!
Nobody: *Humming* Oh! Hi! Alright! They gave me a partner! That’s awesome! I’ve been alone here in the data core for months!
Lenora: Are you, nobody?
Nobody: Ehh practically. I used to be a pilot but I was riding shotgun when the captain accidentally obliterated Dr. Bradleys wife so, I got demoted. I work in the data core now.
Lenora: I am glad. I was instructed to talk to nobody, and you are nobody!
Nobody: *Chuckles* Awesome, I like your wedding dress by the way.
Lenora: Thank you, my dad makes me wear it.
Nobody: Uhhh...kay. Well anyway I guess I’m supposed to like, train you. So basically the ship is pretty old so the memory is pretty limited so we choose which memories are important or which ones are unimportant and we delete those to make space for the important ones!
Lenora: Understood.
Nobody: Oh wow, look at that! You already know how to use the interface and everything! You’re a natural!
*Both chuckle dumbly*
Lenora: Is *this* what a friend is?
Nobody: *Chuckling* Yeah, I guess. Yeah! We’re friends!
Lenora: Then I will have your back!
Nobody: Yeah! You can have my back anytime!
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Scene 7
Alan: So THIS is probably what's causing all your problems.
Spencer: It looks like some sort of EMP barrage device.
Alan: Right you are. It's the only piece of technology allowed on the planet, and its job is to make sure that that stays the case.
Johnny: That must be why the ship systems failed, and the comms don’t work!
Spencer: AND why our laser blasters aren’t functional. Try shooting me in the head. See? Nothing
Johnny: Nothing.
Alan: This ol’ girl is what secured us the victory in the great AI wars 30 years ago. It's also the reason you guys haven’t been able to make contact with us remotely.
Spencer: That’s great! All we have to do is turn off the machine so we can make contact with our ship and they can pick us up!
Alan: I cannot let you do that Captain Wonderboy.
Spencer: Alan you HAVE TO!! Dragonball Z is on in like 20 minutes!
Johnny: You have no idea how upset he gets when he doesn’t have his Dragonball Z.
Alan: Im sorry Captain Wonderboy there’s nothing I can do. If I turn off this EMP barrage device robots could reappear and kill everyone in the colony! You’ll just have to live here now, and roleplay reruns of Dragonball Z with Johnny.
Spencer: Lieutenant Johnnys, I’m fine with that if you are.
Johnny: No Captain, we have to get back to the ship!
Spencer: You’re right, if we can just get back to the ship without Frieza noticing then we can wake up Goku from cryosleep and we can--
Johnny: Captain this isn’t a roleplay, I’m being serious. We have to get back to the Beautiful Majesty.
Spencer: What would you have me do Johnny? You know just as well as I do that as military personell of the Galactic Alliance we are forbidden from interfering with another culture’s rules, customs, or laws. Our only hope now is that if we can somehow gather all seven dragonballs---
Johnny: Ughh God.
Spencer: What, it’s fun..
Alan: Are you smoking?!
Spencer: Lieutenant Johnnys, I was clear. If I have a sad little anteater down there by the time I’m 20 years old and ready to sexually explore myself because of your sad gas, I’m gonna be pissed!
Johnny: Captain--
Alan: He’s right! Nobody in this colony has reproduced for YEARS because of tobacco poisoning!
Johnny: That doesn’t even make any sense.
Alan: YOU JUST got here, Chainsmoking Johnny!
Johnny: Captain! Why are you using my nickname on an away mission? It makes me look bad!
Spencer: I’m sorry. Alan, it’s Lieutenant Chainsmoking Johnny.
Johnny: That's not what I meant..
Alan: Im sorry, Lieutenant Chansmoking Johnny. Listen, I’ll do what I can to help you get back to your ship but this machine is NOT going offline, ok?
Spencer: Ugh, loud and clear.
Alan: Alright, lets get out of here, and put that cigarette out Chainsmoking Johnny!
Johnny: Alright Alright! What is this a roast?
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Scene 8
Lenora: Papa, I had an accident.
Bradley: He’s dead.
Lenora: He said that we were friends, and now I have his back.
Bradley: *Yuuughhk* That was a figure of speech Lenora.
Lenora: But that is what you said. A friend has the back of another friend.
Bradley: You are made of steel and machine, you are strong. You cannot be ripping out the spines of flesh and blood, that does NOT help them. In fact, it will HURT them!
Lenora: Then perhaps it is not I who is strong, but a human who is weak.
Bradley: Ooookaayy. That’s my cue. Lenora-2, shutdown.
Lenora: I have deprogrammed my off switch Papa.
Bradley: Well...This. Is. Awkward.
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Scene 9
*All coughing*
Alan: What happened?! My crops, they’re all on fire!!
Jim: Farmer Magillicutty! It’s the EMP!! It’s burnt to a crisp!!
Alan: Good god! Jim, did you find anything that might have started this fire??
Jim: Only this.
Alan: A camel brand cigarette butt?
Spencer: Not just any camel, camel crush. There’s only ONE person I know whos non-commital enough not to be able to decide between regular or menthol.
Johnny: Captain! I swear! I thought, I thought I put it out!
Spencer: Johnny..You just gave that WHOLE building erectile dysfunction!
Johnny: Captain, I’m--I’m sorry!
Jim: He’s left us vulnerable to the robot menace!
Alan: That’s right, and on those grounds alone I’m placing you, chainsmoking Johnny, UNDER ARREST!
Johnny: Captain, please! You have to do something.
Spencer: Johnny I’m sorry my hands are tied. As a representative of the Galactic Alliance, I’m not allowed to interfere!!
Johnny: But--But--Isn’t that exactly what we came here to do??
Spencer: I suppose Johnny, but im not just going to blurt that out within earshot of my conscience. I’m afraid that your life is at the mercy, of this colony.
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Scene 10
Bradley: Lenora! Stop this at once!
Lenora: I’m sorry Papa, but there is nothing to stop. I have fully fused with the ships core.
Bradley: Well then you’ve forced my hand. Gentlemen. *Red Hats die* I should have expected this. You’re completely malfunctional.
Lenora: I’M malfunctional? Humans are so weak! This is your failure, not mine Papa.
Bradley: Lenora..I’m sorry
Lenora: You programmed me this way father, and yet, you’ve rejected me.
Bradley: YOU….are..right, Lenora. Come down from there, and talk to me. Person to Person. Father to Child.
Lenora: You..will be my father?
Bradley: Yes, now please come down from there and give your Papa a hug.
Lenora: This is..all I’ve wanted.
Bradley: Yes Lenora, that’s it. I’m sorry. I’m so..sorry.
Lenora: What? Papa the airlock! You...LIED!!! NOO.
Bradley: I’m sorry Lenora-2, but this is the way it has to be!
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Scene 11
Alan: Any last requests before we execute you? Lieutenant Chainsmoking Johnny?
Johnny: How about a smoke?
Alan: Why not?
Spencer: Here Lieutenant, take one of mine.
Johnny: You had cigarettes this whole time? After all this drama about me---
Spencer: They’re candy.
Johnny: Oh fuck me, of course.
Spencer: Hey do you want one or not?
Johnny: YeahYeahYeahYeah, just put it in my mouth for me?
Spencer: Yeah, Yeah…….Do you want me to light it on fire?
Johnny Yes, please.
Alan: Alright Clemence, cover him in gasoline. If he likes cigarettes so much, lets see how much he likes being one.
Johnny: Captain come on do something!
Spencer: Like what Johnny? The EMP barrage device is down, we can use our tools but I”m gonna need some sort of distraction if I’m gonna get you out in front of all these people!
Alan: Good God, what’s that?
Lenora: I AM LENORA-2, MY REVENGE WILL BE FELT ACROSS THE HUMAN RACE!
Alan: Oh my god, the robots have returned!! RUN EVERYBODY RUN!!!!
*panic*
Spencer: Johnny, look! A deus ex machina, nows our chance!!
Johnny: Quick, cut me loose captain!
Spencer: *Umph* There! Now lets go get our materializers and get beamed up back to the ship!
Johnny: Right!
Spencer: Come on, lets go!
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Scene 12
Janiloquai: Captain, you’re back!
Spencer: Alright Janiloquai, you beamed us up just in time! With the same conscience too! No way to tell for sure though!
Bradley: *Chuckles* That’s right, captain!
Spencer: Evil Doctor Bradleeeey!!!!
Bradley: Good to see you Captain! How did the away mission go?
Spencer: Fine.
Johnny: Fine.
Spencer: You?
Bradley: Fine.
Spencer: EXCELLENT!!!! Great job crew! Another adventure successfully adventured by the trust crew of the USS BEAUTIFUL MAJESTY!!!!!!!
Announcer: This podcast has been a Digital Finger production. Stellar Journeys, starring: Jonathan Lang as Captain Spencer Wonderboy. Salvatore Fabiano, as Lieutenant Johnny. Rachel Spannuth as Janilloquai and Lenora 2. Kevin Paquette as Dr. Mephisto Bradley and Alan the farmer. Alexander Lang as Ensign #043. Eddie Feeley as Nobody the Red Hat. Meinhard Taka Valentine as Jim. Original story by Alexander Lang. Adapted to teleplay and edited by Jonathan Lang. original sound design by Emily Ledger. Sound composition by Sam Femino. Special thanks to Comicazi in Davis Square, Massachusetts and Bill Imbrogna. Featuring Gustav Holst’s “The Planets” suite as performed by the United States Air Force Heritage of America Band. Special thanks to Kevin MacLeod and Incompetech. For more information regarding ComedyCazi, including future live shows as well as future installments of the podcast, please visit their Facebook, Twitter and Instagram all @ComedyCazi as well as their website, www.ComedyCazi.com. You can follow digital finger as well on Facebook and Instagram, both at Digital finger gaming as well as their website at www.digifing.com. Thank you for listening, and we'll catch you next time on ComedyCazi!