vol 4. Sobriety Date 6/6/2010 (Joey)

Joey shares his Experience, Strength and Hope; from getting high at 9 years old to over 9 years of sobriety in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

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"I just looked in the mirror one day and thought to myself, I can't do this anymore."

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SPEAKER_01 0:03

We believe that alcoholism is a disease. Alcoholicness is my solution to the disease. I'm here to bring you the voices of its members. Everyone that comes on the show, including myself, is an active member and has found recovery in the rooms of AA. As you listen, please take what works for you and leave the rest.

SPEAKER_00 0:31

Is it on already? Oh, why, thank you. Well, my name is Joey, and I'm an alcoholic, and my sobriety date is June 6th, 2010. And I have many different stories, but due to the time constraints today, I'll do a little chronological. I was born in New York. My parents uh met uh five years before I was born. My mother was uh a New York Italian, a runaway at 13. My father was a an immigrant from the um country of Hungary, and he escaped the Hungarian Revolution in 1956. Uh my father was driving on the George Washington Bridge, and he saw my mother with a flat tire, beautiful woman. He told his friend to pull over, and uh he fixed her flat tire, they jumped in the back seat, and here I am. Just joking, of course. I usually get a laugh out of that, but whatever.

SPEAKER_01 1:37

I wasn't sure.

SPEAKER_00 1:39

So uh they got married and they had me, and then when I was five, my mother left. And listening to a chair the other day, I thought to myself, I was technically abandoned by my mom at five years old. I'll never forget she was leaving in a cab and she said that she loved me and that she had to take off her wallet and never look look remember, I never forget looking back at my father who was dejectedly crying on the porch as she was leaving both of us. And that was a memory that will be etched in my my memory forever. But um I was close to my mom. So I think that was probably the first true traumatic event in my life is being abandoned by my hippie mom, who who was also a runaway, and once again she was running away from whatever she had to run away from. So between five years old and eighteen years old, I would go back and forth to both parents and stay one year with my mom, one year with my father. My first um recreational high, if you will, was smoking a joint at nine and passing out. It was actually with one of my mother's friends who uh had really good pot, and uh there were pretty much no boundaries with my mom. That was a difference between my mother and my father. My father was very conservative, my mother was very laissez-faire, no boundaries, and some of the things she would say was just amazing sometimes because she wanted to get you know responses from people, and uh sometimes growing up as a teenager when I was living with her, it was really hard. So at 12 years old, I decided to just move in with my mother in California in a small town, and um once again, no boundaries. She taught me how to roll joints. I did my first hit of acid with her at 13. She set me up with my first woman at 13. I had sex with probably half of her friends in high school. There was just no boundaries. And I was like the father figure. She was the little girl. I worked, and whatever I made, I split half my paycheck with her. We lived on welfare. She didn't want to work, she was a hippie, she was on a cosmic payroll. The good news was that I didn't feel as badly because my friends down the street gave their mother their whole check. So I always felt like, okay, I'm getting a break here. I get to keep 50% of what I earn, which I would buy school clothes with in the summertime and you know, just have some spending money. So throughout my high school years, I was pretty much an adult child. I was very athletic. I played sports, I got along with everybody, the stoners, the jocks, the musicians, everybody. And uh a lot of that had alcohol around it. So kegers, parties, football, after football games every Friday. We'd go out and drink a lot of beer and the weekends and pot. And I had this crazy thing inside of my system, though. Every day after school, I would always go to the library to get my homework done so that way I'd have the rest of the day to screw around and party and do whatever I needed to do. And there were a couple of times where I would come home and there would be four or five of my friends smoking pot with my mother. And I was like the father coming home from work, like, what the hell are you guys doing here? Get the hell out of here. It was kind of a funny story, but looking back, it's just kind of hilarious how my mom just was open and had no boundaries with with anything or anybody. So to this day, you know, some of my friends are like, Hey, I didn't have sex with your mom, man. I just want you to know that. And I was like, I don't care, it doesn't matter, you know. I'm she was who she was. At 18 years old, I got uh accepted into Chico State University, which we consider the Harvard of Northern California, and I like to tell people that was the best 13 years of my life, but it was only five years, but it was party hardy marty. One of the things I got from my parents were was that they were very, very strong personalities, lots of willpower. I watched my mom in high school literally do two 40-day food fasts, a five-day water fast. She quit smoking, she quit eating sugar. It was all about willpower. So I knew right towards the end of my high school career and before I got to Chico and during my Chico years, I could tell that I might have a problem, but I always looked back to my mom thinking, well, I saw what she did. Now it's my turn to prove that to myself. So every year at Chico, for the month of October, I wouldn't drink to prove to myself I didn't have a drinking problem. And of course, on Halloween, I'd probably would make up for the whole month of October, because Chico's known for their Halloweens and it gets pretty nutty up there. The good news is that I was able to make it through college, get my degree, and then as a result of that, I just kept on drinking more and more, and I started getting into other curriculars like the white powdery stuff, and it just kept on getting progressively worse. I started making really good money at 30 years old, and um in my business, my line of work, there's a lot of drinking, and there's a lot of partying, and there's a lot of traveling, and no matter where I went or who I was with, the booze would always come out. So although I got involved in the other extracurriculars, booze was always a number one precursor or foundational mechanism for me to launch off into other types of drugs. And it just got worse. And I knew it. Deep down inside I knew I had a problem, but I didn't want to really admit that I was an alcoholic. I remember going to my first AA meeting at 30 years old just to see what it was like because I started looking more miserable and gaining weight and feeling like crap, and I was always athletic. I did triathlons, I did, you know, all kinds of races, always athletic, but I started feeling worse and worse and worse. So I said, maybe I do have a problem. Go to my first AA meeting, and it was a crazy story. And I looked around, I said, These people are nuts. And I walked out, not wanting to see any similarities, but only differences. So then I participated for another 10 years in the craziness of my disease, only to find out, you know, 40 pounds heavier later and looking like crap, feeling like crap. I didn't end up liking me anymore. So ironically, I didn't get a DUI, I didn't kill anybody, I didn't burn my house down or hurt anybody as far as uh physically hurting anybody, but I just looked in the mirror one day and thought to myself, I can't do this anymore. This is outrageously wrong, and I'm just killing myself slowly but surely, like a cancer. And I have the opportunity to surrender and finally let go. So I did go to another AA meeting at 40. It was my 40th birthday present, and I met a really nice guy who became my sponsor in 2005. We went to the Salvation Army, he taught me how to do sponsoring, went through the steps, it took about a year and a half, then we went to the Salvation Army and uh in in Oakland, which was kind of a dangerous place, I thought, but he always reminded me that it's in the big book that we're protected when we're carrying the message. I don't remember exactly what page that was on, but he did point it out one time. And um we really partake up we really participated in the program. So rather than living on AA, we lived in AA, and I did have a couple of sponsees in addition to the Salvation Army. And if you've nobody's ever gone there before, all you do is walk in, you get on the list, they go through a little bit of a questionnaire, and then you walk in and you just say, Anybody want to be sponsored? And 14 guys run up to you, and you pick one or two every other Wednesday we'd go, and it was crazy. But I ended up helping a couple guys get sober through that that process. What happened was in 2008, my sponsor ended up getting cancer. My mother died, and I didn't have a strong enough constitution. I had felt guilty going after another sponsor because I had this hope that he would make it. He eventually died, but during the time of his bout with cancer, he was begging me, you need to go to meetings, man, you need to keep on participating or it's going to catch up to you. Well, after he died, something snapped inside of me. I lost my money mother that year, I lost him, and I went out and I couldn't get back in. So one of the guys that we would drive to the Salvation Army with kept on coming by my office, who's my now sponsor 10 years, 12 years later, who said, Do you want to get back on the gravy train of AA? And I kept on saying no. So every Wednesday he would come by my office and say, Are you ready yet? And I'd say no, and he would read the doctor's opinion. Every week, he'd read the doctor's opinion. And uh I would hang in there with him and I'd say, you know, I'm not ready yet. And by month five, I finally said, I am ready. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Once again, belly full of beer and booze, no drugs this time, but uh headful AA, and I need to get back in because I knew what I once had for three and a half years the first time. So then I go through the steps with him very thoroughly, probably the most intuitive man I've ever met. And he was able to extrapolate things that I didn't tell my first sponsor. And then lo and behold, a year and a half later, my father gets cancer, and I told him after a meeting one night, I said, you know, I'm having this weirdo feeling like I want a drink, and he didn't take it seriously. And he's like, Oh, you're fine, you know, we'll talk about it tomorrow. Well, by later that night I find out my dad has cancer. The following night I go to a bar uh with some friends in San Francisco, and they all formed a line in front of me and said, You're not getting a drink. It was very amazing how they drank, but they respected my sobriety. It's pretty cool when you think about it. And that's one of the gifts of the program. Anyway, I broke my way through to the bar. I did end up drinking, and that time I had a date in mind, and I think by the grace of God, it was like a 35-day stint. And I did travel around the country and I party with certain people, including my father. And on June 6, 2010, that was the last day I stopped drinking. So I have a little over nine years now. I'm very grateful for that. Here's what happened. I ended up chairing on a meeting three months after June 6th, so sometime in August or September, at a men's meeting. It's a halfway house where they've got one foot on a banana pill and the other one's out the door. And I thought I gave a great chair because people were coming up saying, Thank you so much. That was great. I really related with a lot of things you said, but one of the things I said was I was a high bottom drunk. And one of my friends that was there walked up to me and said, What the hell's wrong with you? I said, What do you mean what's wrong with me? He said, You just said you're a high bottom drunk. You're either an alcoholic or you're not. Which one is it? And that really hit me hard. And I said, I'm an alcoholic. He said, Good, quit the high bottom drunk crap. You're you're you're an alcoholic and and commit yourself to being an alcoholic, and you always will be an alcoholic. And ever since that conversation, it's like something snapped inside of me. Now, since then, I have many commitments uh right now, currently, I I've sponsored a couple of people since then, and um I have uh a couple of volunteer commitments through my church. I try to hit about three meetings a week, which is really good for me. That's a perfect amount. I spread it out like every other day. One in particular is a Saturday morning meeting that I really appreciate going to that I found about a year ago that is is becoming one of my favorites. I started a meeting with another fellow of mine uh uh in a town, and uh there's been many people that come to that. That's every Wednesday night. We also volunteer for a um church activity once a month, and then I'm also um the president for AA Golf Men's Club. So trying to stay involved, always looking to sponsor more guys. I just had another sponsee who was somewhat involved, and then he kind of backed off because I asked him to call off the men's list and do a couple of things. When I sponsor somebody, the first question I ask is, Are you willing to do whatever it takes to get sober? I mean, that's what was asked of me. And I I literally look look at that person, and if they don't answer yes emphatically within 2.7 seconds, I'm not gonna sponsor them. I'll just say you're not ready yet. And sometimes people say, What do you mean? I said, Well, if you're really enthusiastic and passionate about quitting, you would have answered much more quickly. And you didn't. So a couple of people that I've said that to have admitted right away, they say, You're right, I'm not quite ready yet. I'm just thinking about toying around with that idea. And I always say, look, you know, you see me around the meetings. If in the future you like me to sponsor you when you're true truly committed to surrendering and admitting you're an alcoholic and participating in the program, I'm gonna be there for you. But I don't want to waste your time and I don't want you wasting my time. So I asked this l most recent sponsee, who you might have seen, and uh he was all gung-ho, and it seemed like he was literally uh rescheduling almost every one of our gatherings, and uh and finally I finally laid it on a line with him and said, You're not really into this, are you? And he admitted, he said, No, I'm not. And I said, Well, no hard feelings. I said, I'm gonna be here, and I'm still sober, nine years and counting. I said, You really need to have a sponsor. It doesn't have to be me, because as soon as I make it about me, then we lose the whole magic of the program. You just need somebody to guide you through the steps and and and make sure that you're covered properly, like I've tried to do with you, but you just don't seem like you're into it, and he agreed that he wasn't. So we're gonna get all kinds of different sponsees when we sponsor. It doesn't matter. The bottom line is I give it my best shot as I do everything I do, and just giving this chair right now is is more than my pleasure to do. I've got another chair on Thursday, a couple days from now, that I've been asked to chair at, and it's a noon meeting. I never really have the same chair twice, just kind of like I don't have now, but my bottom line is that um I wouldn't trade my sobriety for anything. I just I I can't imagine going back. And what's ironic is I probably have gone through the toughest seven years of my life from 2012 till now with the divorce and lawsuit and tax audit, and I can go on and on and on. And not once did the idea of drinking ever hit my mind. That's how powerful the grace of God is in my life, that he removed this craziness, the miracle of God's love. And when I think about that, then I think about what else is he capable of doing for me in my life. Right now I'm trying to lose weight. I'm down about 18 pounds, you know, and I'm thinking, hey, I got another 25 or 30 to go, and I can do this if I incorporate what I've learned through AA. And then what else is there? I don't know yet, but I'm sure it'll come to me. And the whole thing comes down to this before I end, is that I don't take myself seriously. I take alcoholics anonymous seriously. I take helping others seriously, but I try not to take myself seriously. So I do try to have a good sense of humor, which comes naturally to me and laughing and having fun, but not my alcoholism. The second thing is completely trusting God. And the best way I can do that is living in the present moment. I'm a future tripper. I like to future trip about things, and I have to catch myself now, and I'm easier, I'm more easily catching that thinking in the future as a result of having a good stint of sobriety and stopping myself and saying, two weeks from now is not here yet. Stay in the present moment and trust God. That's where He wants me. There's nothing wrong with this present moment. So some days I have to calibrate 40 times a day, and other days I'm just singing along and I'm staying in the moment, and I really appreciate that about sobriety. And then lastly, is being of service, literally being of service to my fellow man and woman, and not just in the program, but everywhere else I go. I really enjoy being of service, helping others, especially when they're in need. And to me, true service is very important to me. It's not, hey, are you going to so-and-so and I'm heading that direction? It's when they ask you if you're going the opposite direction and you're not, and you're a little inconvenienced, but you're still being of service, helping them, even though it might be out of your way. Being of service to me means practicing what we pray for in the morning. I pray every morning about being more compassionate, being a better listener, being more tolerant, being more loving. And throughout the day, I get to practice what I pray for. And being of service means I get to practice what I pray for. Not just talk a good game, but literally live that will or that that those promises that I asked for in the morning to start my day. And God definitely does provide a lot of different opportunities for me. And sometimes I don't pass what I thought I could have passed. I a lot of times I could have been different. I should have said something different. I could have been more, but every chance I get to recorrect what I might have done wrong yesterday, I have a chance to write recorrect it today and hopefully stay on that path. So I can go on and on. But the bottom line is I'm very grateful to be um in this fellowship and and have all the brothers and sisters that I love very much.

SPEAKER_01 20:20

Well, I want to thank you for your share. Thank you for your time and for being of service. And I would love, because we've had outside conversations about prayer and meditation, to hear more about what it is you do and what that provides for you in your sobriety.

SPEAKER_00 20:37

Yeah, it's almost like putting the oxygen mask on myself first before I can help other people second. And without my prayer and meditation in the morning, I don't want to say I'm worthless, but my day does not go as well. And most people that know what I'm talking about will r wiggle their head into yes, you know, uh head shake. Like they know exactly what I'm talking about. So for me, that that impending need to jump out of bed right away is where I need to stay still for me in bed and really stay focused on the meditating part of my day. And and when I do that, for me it's the morning, some people it's at night, is I've actually told people when you feel that need to jump out of bed really quick, force yourself to stay there for five minutes and trust God, like I said earlier. This is how you get to trust God. This is God's time, this is your and God yours and God's time to connect to get that symbiotic relationship foundationally committed for the beginning of my day. So the first part is I meditate. And it's almost like I watch a ticker tape go by. And it's such an incredible tool when I use it because I'm able to look at things that are going by on this ticker tape and go, oh yeah, that's right, I need to take care of this. Oh, that's right, I need to take care of that. So it actually, and I'm not forcing any thoughts, but to me that's God letting me know here are certain things you need to take care of. Now I'm sure if I talk to a uh, you know, a a yogi, they'd say that's not the correct way to meditate. Well, for me it works. Okay, it really works as not just a business tool, but as a God tool, or hey, I need to remember to call this person and apologize for what I said yesterday, or there's all kinds of different varieties of messages on my meditation ticker tape. So for me that's what works. Then I get on my knees and I pray about what I picked up during that meditation, and then I carry it out properly, hear what I need to hear and say what I need to say.

SPEAKER_01 22:48

I love it.

SPEAKER_00 22:49

Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 22:49

I love it. My meditation is similar, so I can relate to all of that. And I did hear someone say there's no right or wrong way. The only wrong way to meditate is to not try.

SPEAKER_00 22:59

I like that.

SPEAKER_01 23:00

Oh, I like that too.

SPEAKER_00 23:03

But I want to thank you for you know this talk.

SPEAKER_01 23:05

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 23:06

We didn't have to have this record on this talk, by the way. We could have just had a cup of coffee and just went to the case.

SPEAKER_01 23:10

Yes, we could have.

SPEAKER_00 23:11

But um, I appreciate you asking me to be of service.

SPEAKER_01 23:14

Well, I appreciate you taking the time to share your story.

SPEAKER_00 23:17

Yeah. I hope I didn't get too carried away.

SPEAKER_01 23:20

I know I can get a little passionate sometimes about my my feeling and beliefs, but I chose you exactly because of those attributes.

SPEAKER_00 23:28

Oh, thank you. I appreciate that. It means a lot.

SPEAKER_01 23:33

For more information, read the first 164 pages of the big book of the public synonymous. Or does it keep coming back to that?