vol 5. Sobriety Date 9/27/2010 (Autumn)

Autumn shares her Experience, Strength and Hope; raised in a home where drinking was a sin, to drinking to get drunk every time she drank -- we hear her new way of living.

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"Every child deserves to have a sober parent."

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SPEAKER_00 0:01

We believe that alcoholism is a disease, and that Alcoholics Anonymous is one solution to that disease. I'm here to bring you the voices of its members. Everyone that comes on the show, including myself, is an active member and has found recovery in the rooms of AA. As you listen, please take what works for you and leave the rest. Thank you, Autumn, for joining me. I'm so excited to hear your chair. My name is Tara. I'm an alcoholic. And we are here with Autumn this afternoon to hear your experience, strength, and hope. And with that, if you can start with your sobriety date, we will listen to your story.

SPEAKER_01 0:46

Hi, thank you, Tara, for inviting me to share my story and keeping me in the program. And my name is Autumn and I'm an alcoholic. And my sobriety day is 27 September 2011. So I just got to celebrate eight years, which just seems like this crazy time warp. You know, it seems like so much longer. And then it's not very long at all. But I just am really honored to be here, to be sober, to share my story, and hopefully whatever comes through is a message for whoever needs to hear what I have to share. They understand me. I don't know them, but I know them. And I always find it funny when the meeting that I want to go to the least is the one that I need the most. So if this is for those that can't necessarily get to a meeting, but want to stay connected and be with our people. So what I was like, oh, well, what's interesting is I grew up in a religion that drinking was a sin. So that's how I thought of it. But I remember my parents saying that both of their parents were alcoholics, both of their fathers. And I didn't really understand what that meant until being in program. And I got to see one that was in program and how one that wasn't in program and the examples that and the difference that it made in their life. But for me, it really kind of, you know, I messed around with it in high school, you know, the typical party thing. Um, then I went into the military, and that's where I really learned how to drink. You know, you work hard and you play even harder. And, you know, in the military, I don't know, I seem to find the people that, you know, you don't have one or two drinks. You drink until you're drunk. So I found my people there too. It's amazing. But yeah, so it was just a series of, you know, just drinking and working hard and just this vicious cycle as I look back on it now. Um, I would drink till I'm drunk, and I would, you know, have those emotional bottoms. And those emotional bottoms would then lead me into a path of self-help, going to college or doing whatever, and then I would accomplish that and feel good about myself, and then I'd start partying again. And I would just go on this vicious cycle. And then also as I look back on my drinking, you know, there's not very many good choices that I made while drinking. So um lots of people's places and things of where I shouldn't have been involved in. But really, for me, um I would consider myself to be a functional alcoholic because I was in the military for quite a few years. I got many degrees, I accomplished a lot of things, and that's because um when I look back now, I was very highly driven. I would drink, and it would somehow like if I worked really hard, then my reward at the end of the day would be that I got to drink. And it's kind of funny now because my drive now is like I really don't have that high accomplishment of pushing myself past my limits because I don't get a reward of a drink at the end of the day. So I'm like, huh, interesting. But but if some people can probably relate to that. But really what happened for me is um, you know, it really for me, drinking took me to an emotional low. Um for whatever reason I drank and drive and never got caught, never hurt anybody, and thank God. For that, I really put myself and other people in very um in situations that I definitely shouldn't have put them in or myself in. But my drinking took me to such an emotional low that the last night of my drinking I had contemplated ending my life. I did not know how to live with it, and I didn't know how to live without it. And I honestly, I was really getting up to go on my way to do that, and I stopped because I heard a voice that said, I'm no longer gonna carry you. And that scared me. Um, whatever voice that is, to me, my higher power is God, and it was just kind of like my wake-up call of like, this is it. Like, I really faced the crossroad, and I almost chose out, but when I got up, I stopped and I looked at my son, and it just showed I just stopped and I'm like, you are such a selfish with the other few choice words. And I just went to bed and I woke up the next morning and I called a woman that I knew was in program and I said help. You know, and that's really when I from that day on I didn't drink again because I know that for me to drink is gonna be the end of my life because I know I'm one of those people, if I pick up another drink, I have all those not yets that they talk about out there, you know, that are waiting. And I I'm not above being that homeless person on the street, being that person that, you know, drives drunk, kills themselves, kills somebody else, and still lives. To me, I wouldn't I couldn't do that. I couldn't live with that. I'm I'm capable of doing that. But really for me, that's what keeps me sober is I'm like when I look at a drink and I have that thought of, oh, you know, maybe I'm not an alcoholic. I stop myself and I'm like, you're definitely an alcoholic, and the damage that you can do. Um I heard a woman describe it as being a caged animal, a caged lion. And I'm like, yeah, that's what I am, is I'm a caged lion. If I have that drink, that's what will happen. So, you know, uh for me, the thing that I focus on most in this program is my emotional sobriety. Um the cravings that haven't really been there, but what I feel the most is my emotions. And when I first got sober, I felt like an emotional tornado because all the drinking had suppressed it for so many years that it I just I think for the first nine months I cried. Literally, I was that woman in the meeting crying. So when I see people and they're crying, I have compassion for them because it's like, you know, maybe this is the first safe place that somebody is able to let all that pain and suffering that they've pushed down for years come out. And so I was that one. Um, I absolutely love the steps. I wish everybody in the world would do the steps because they're such great tools for living. Um this month I go through the steps with each month. So this month, October is continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. I can't say I do that all the time, but I'm doing it more and more. And it just um, and even better is I'm catching myself before I do that, so I don't have to make that amends. I think my motivate my main motivation is not having to make an amends and to admit that I was wrong. So whatever motivates you to not do those things that create havoc in our life. But um, you know, for me, my life today is pretty amazing. Um I have an 11-week year old, precious, adorable little girl um who thank God hasn't ever had to deal with me drinking, and I pray to God never has to, and that's why I continue to go to program and to throw myself in this program. Um, I do have a 23-year-old son who unfortunately got to see the worst of me and experience a mother who is in full bloom alcoholism, and um, you know, my first sponsor said to me that every child deserves to have a sober parent, and that is true, and I do have a lot of um emotions around that that I'm still continuing, continuing to learn to forgive myself, and these steps help me to do that. Um, you know, we all make these mistakes in our life, but when we can learn and grow from them and continue not to make them on a daily basis, we can, you know, like I said, we can learn from them. Um but I'm excited that I get to raise this new child in the world of sobriety, give her a solid foundation, and even teach her the tools of AA without her knowing that's what they are. But it's such a great foundation for living each and every day. You know, um, it's important. Most of the people in my life today are amazing women that are in the program also, and people are always amazed. They're like, you just have such amazing women in your life, and you know, and I really do because for so long I felt alone, so alone my whole life. Even I my friends weren't really my friends, they were my party people, you know, and we connected through drinking, which, you know, isn't really a connection, you know, it was isn't really a friendship. Like, let's go get drunk together and check out together and feel bonded and close. And that's not connection. But today the women in my life um keep me on the straight and narrow when I'm venting or you know, getting off track, they pull me back in and hold me accountable. And I absolutely love that. I love having a life where I surround myself with the people that are each day living the best that they can, and that's what sobriety does. And being not in being an active sobriety does. Um, you know, the dry drunk. We still I still have the isms, and especially as a new mom, when I'm tired and um I'm not paying attention, those isms flare up in full force, and I get to take a step back and redirect myself and understand what's going on with me. Um, the interesting part is when I was pregnant, I really craved wine, which I was like, whoa, wait a second, double no, I'm pregnant and I'm sober. So it really kind of shocked me because I had never had the cravings in my sobriety because it usually smelt disgusting. But to while I was sober, having that craving really scared me. But I didn't drink, and so that was good, but it was really shocking and surprising to me that I had had that, you know, and I've had a few women after, you know, um, that have had children, and you know, it's so easy to revolve your life around these little beautiful, precious beings and focus everything on them. But I have had a few women coming up to me and share that with their newborn child um and not being in program, they went back out. And so for me, that really, and you can probably hear her in the background. That's my precious Amelia. But for me, it's really just to keep myself on the straight and narrow and have the women in my life, you know, hold myself accountable when I'm feeling weak, reach out, share that, ask for support, stay connected, go to meetings, read my steps. I actually just got a new sponsor because I feel that it's important to um stay connected. And if your recovery isn't working for you, it is my responsibility to make it work for me. If that means I need to change a sponsor and get something that works for me, that's what I do. If I need to change a meeting, that's what I do. And so I've done that in the past where you know it's very easy to go to the same one over and over and over where you feel safe with people. Um, but um especially, you know, it's where you get complacent. That's really a scary place for sobriety is getting complacent and lazy because you know, it creates space for a beautiful life with amazing blessings. And I always remember that it can be taken away from me at any moment. So being complacent in my sobriety and in my life, um, I really focus really hard on trying not to do that because I don't want my promises to be taken away from me. I cherish them deeply. I'm very grateful for them, and I want more. I'm not gonna lie. There's this we live in an amazing world with so many possibilities, and I'm excited to see what the future holds. And that means for me, continuing to live a sober life.

SPEAKER_00 14:59

Thank you so much for your story, Autumn. I love how concise and clear and uh wise your message is. I have written down a list of quotes. I love the caged lion, I love this I the meeting that I wanted to go to the least, I needed the most. And I love this notion of m binding your tribe in a meeting. And for that alcoholic who's still out there suffering, that perhaps is listening right now, what do you want to say?

SPEAKER_01 15:35

You are not alone. For me, I realized that when I was out there, um, I didn't really realize what AA was. And the thought of AA was so scary, like it just it scared me. I was willing to be alone and feel these dark pains and do these things because the thought of AA and the thought of not drinking again was so beyond scary to me. But this is the best gift that I have been given. Like being an alcoholic has turned into such a huge blessing for me because it really gave me a life. So if you're out there and um you haven't tried it or you've tried it and it hasn't worked, keep coming back because there's so many different types of meetings um that you know not everyone's gonna not every meeting is gonna be that meeting for you, but there will be a meeting where you connect to the people and you feel comfortable and you feel safe. So please don't turn away from it. If you were an AA and you went back out, you know, a lot of times people struggle with going back out and coming back in because they feel shame. No, please don't because you are worth it. You deserve to have a sober life, and this is really dealing with alcoholism. There is no other solution other than to live a sober life and to create a foundation and a support that the rooms and the beautiful people in them can provide to you.

SPEAKER_00 17:05

That's beautiful. Thank you, Autumn.

SPEAKER_01 17:08

Thank you so much. I appreciate it.

SPEAKER_00 17:11

You are such a good girl, thank you.

unknown 17:14

Very good, baby.

SPEAKER_00 17:16

For more information, read the first 164 pages of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous or visit keepcoming back.net