vol 7. Sobriety Date 7/20/2018 (Maureen)

Maureen shares her Experience, Strength and Hope; from drinking for fun to drinking alone, with anxiety-filled and regretful mornings, Maureen quickly found her way to Alcoholics Anonymous.
 
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“I felt the depression set in, and the anxiety, and it was back. I hated the way I felt the next day, emotionally and mentally it was tearing me apart . . . I knew deep down I had to get sober.”

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SPEAKER_01 0:01

We believe that alcoholism is a disease, and that Alcoholics Anonymous is one of the solutions to that disease. I'm here to bring you the voices of its members. Everyone that comes on the show, including myself, is an active member and has found recovery in the rooms of AA. As you listen, please take what works for you and leave the rest. And you can start with your name and your sobriety date, and then we get to hear your experience, strength, and hope.

SPEAKER_00 0:41

Well, great, Tara. Thank you for inviting me to be a part of this. My name is Maureen. I'm an alcoholic, and my sobriety date is July 20th, 2018. And like so many of us, I grew up in an alcoholic home. My father was a high-functioning alcoholic. And although my mother limited her drinking to one cocktail a night, her mother had died of alcoholism and a cirrhosis of the liver. My father's drinking caused me quite a bit of anxiety as a child. He became a very different person when he drank. He was verbally abusive and mean. And before I was eight, I had no idea that there was any problem in the house or that he even drank. I had no recollection of alcohol or awareness of it. And then one night he woke us all up in the middle of the night. It was probably one or two in the morning. And um he called us all out to the living room. So it was my my brother, one of my brothers and my mom and myself. My older siblings had had moved out by then. And um he had his gun out. He was a homicide detective, so he had his gun out. And um he was very upset and distraught about something, but I I don't recall what it was. But um he told us he was gonna kill himself. So that was my first introduction to the world of um alcoholism. And it, of course, left a very um made a great impact on my life. And it was from that point on that I lived in a constant state of anxiety, wondering when he would come home drunk again, what it would be like, and um, so forth. So as a child, I swore to myself that I would never drink. And I despised alcohol, I despised when he would drink, and I um I was so sure that that would never be my path. However, I did drink starting in my junior year of high school on weekends at parties. I was really shy, and and alcohol helped me feel more at ease and more comfortable in my own skin. I was very self-conscious, and alcohol gave me the confidence to talk to boys, to dance, to talk to other people, and um the confidence to believe during those moments that I was a better person than I thought I was when I was sober. So then um, fast forward a few years, went off to college and um ended up in a at a big party school. And um, although there was always an opportunity to party, I did limit my drinking to Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights. Um, not that limiting it had any relationship to controlling it. There were many nights where I could not control the quantity I drank, and my friends and I would drink to get drunk. Although that was our collective goal. My personal goal was to feel more normal and less self-conscious, seems to be a theme with me. Um, the following mornings we would laugh about our crazy antics and try to fill in the missing pieces from the previous night. And, you know, I just had no realization that lapses in my memory was not a normal thing. There was one night and we had been drinking in downtown Santa Barbara with a bunch of friends, and I drove everyone home, which was probably about 20 miles. And um, I I really believed that there was an angel watching over me because I was in a complete blackout. The next morning, one of my friends and I had no recollection of dropping off another friend, and we were convinced that we had left her at the bar and had no idea how she got home. So when I called her, she told me that we had dropped her off, or I had dropped her off, and she had just returned from a five-mile run. And my first thought was, well, how did she just go out on a run when I can barely get out of bed? And it never dawned on me that she had been drinking like a normal person and I had been drinking like an alcoholic. Um, not to mention the fact that I had no memory of dropping her off. We thought it was really funny. My other friends and I thought it was really funny. And when I think about it now, it just brings chills to me that I was driving in a complete blackout and responsible for four other people's lives. Um, so that's pretty much my college years. After college, my drinking habits did change, um, but it was more due to other influences. I had I moved back home. Um, my dad and my brother were uh so I had a brother who was a raging alcoholic who was he was the one that was there with me that night when my dad called us out um when I was eight, he was 14. I moved back home after college and he was living there and um had become a raging alcoholic, and it was it was pretty bad. And so I I felt the need to be there for my mom and try to protect her. Um had a lot of codependent tendencies. And I thought I could shield her from the pain my brother was causing. And so a lot of anxiety came back from my childhood. And when I I'm a person that when I would worry or or feel anxious, I had no desire to drink because that the alcohol would immediately make my anxiety worse, and I knew that. So I didn't really drink a whole lot during my 20s. Uh I moved out, um, eventually moved out and moved in with my my um boyfriend from college. We ended up getting married, and I focused on my career. I drank occasionally, but never to the extent I did in college. And then we started a family, and my focus was on my kids and their activities. And um, by that time, my my father and my brother had passed away, and that intense anxiety that had kept me from drinking was gone now. And ironically, it was during these years I would applaud myself for not developing a drinking problem. I am uh one of six kids and three were alcoholics. Um, I was one of the three that was not, or so I thought. I falsely believed I'd escaped the disease because I thought if I had the disease or the gene, it would have come out in college. So let's fast forward to my my late 40s, and I had started to have a glass of wine on the weekend nights. One glass soon turned into two glasses. I was experiencing a different type of anxiety or stress in my life, not the fear and dread that I had had with my father and brother, but more of a stressful type of feeling that comes with managing kids and their school and activities and sports. And I found it hard to relax at the end of the day. And so a glass of wine would take the edge off. And um, I think it was around that time all that news, all those stories were coming out about how good red wine was for the heart. So, hey, that was, you know, that was the excuse I needed. So a glass of wine helped calm my active mind. And um, soon I realized that two glasses made me even calmer. And I enjoyed the taste of wine. It it I started really appreciating different types of wine. And um eventually it was really easy for the second glass to become a third glass. It was probably about three years later that I was at a point that drinking on the weekend nights had evolved into drinking four nights a week, starting on a Thursday, because that's you know, basically like a weekend night, right? And then if I had an open bottle of wine left over from Saturday into Sunday, I didn't want it to go to waste because, you know, it's fine wine and don't, you know, it's not going to be good by next Friday. So it was really, really simple to rationalize all of it. And then about two years later, I was at the point of drinking almost every night. And I knew deep down that this was not a good thing, and I would have conversations with myself that just took me in circles. The wine was having an impact. I wasn't sleeping well. I felt down the next day, my heart would be racing, my morning workouts were suffering. I told myself I was going to cut back and only drink on the weekends. If I drank on weekend nights, I would only have one or two glasses of wine. None of that worked. As soon as five o'clock came around, I would make up some excuse in my head. I had a hard day. I had a great day. I'll start tomorrow. I can control it at any time. I was not an alcoholic. I had vowed as a kid to never allow myself to become an alcoholic. And I had survived college and all the heavy drinking that came with it. So at this point, my drinking had progressed to where I would usually drink a bottle of wine on Friday nights and then almost a bottle on Saturday nights, and then two to three glasses on the other nights, the week, the weekday nights. My behavior had started to change too at certain times when I was drinking with friends. There were some times when I would start slurring my words or my balance would be slightly off. There were a few times my kids saw that I had had too much to drink, but fortunately they only saw me really drunk once, and I know it disturbed them. My husband didn't really drink much after college, and he didn't approve of my drinking on weeknights. So I learned early to hide it from him. And um that was let me tell you, I I I know all the tricks. Um I knew how to smuggle it in my purse and get it up into my office, and I would keep the wine hidden in there, and if I heard him coming to talk to me, or even the kids, I'd put the wine glass behind my computer. And I, you know, it was just so weird how quickly everything shifted, where I really just enjoyed drinking alone. I I had and can and still have, you know, friends, a lot of friends that I do things with, but I was starting to really enjoy drinking alone and love the relaxed feeling it brought. And um in in my mind, deep down, I knew no one was ever gonna take that away from me. Then in the mornings, I would regret it once again and vow I was not gonna drink that day, and then five o'clock would roll around again, and I remember many times thinking and believing there is no way I'm ever going to give this up. I love my wine and it will always be a part of me. And I knew deep down that that was sick, but I could not admit that to myself. So about a year and a half ago, I was with some friends and we were enjoying some wine in the evening. I'd had four or maybe five glasses of wine. I don't, I don't really remember. Um, and I poured another and drank it. And I seemed to go from being buzzed to being drunk very quickly. I realized I was slurring my words, having trouble finding my words, and I became very uncomfortable and just stopped talking altogether. I knew I just had to leave and it wasn't a good thing. My friend drove me home, and I remember trying to talk to her, and the words were just coming out of my mouth, my mouth like molasses. And I was trying so hard to keep my thoughts straight. And she was very patient with me, and and um, you know, I talked to her about the next day, and she said that she didn't notice anything, that anything was wrong, or that I was doing that, but but I know she must have. So I got out of the car and I remember I had to focus so hard on not losing my balance. And then that night I kept waking up. I couldn't sleep, I kept waking up, and I felt the depression set in and the anxiety, and it was back. And why did I keep doing this to myself? Why could I not control my drinking any longer? I hated the way I felt the next day, not so much physically, but emotionally and mentally. It was just tearing me apart. So the next morning I called a good friend of mine who had been an AA for five years, and I basically just poured my soul out to her. I finally admitted to another person all the dysfunctional things I was doing to keep my sick relationship with alcohol alive, how I hid it for my family, how I would make sure I would go to a different checker at the grocery store so they wouldn't suspect I drank every night. Um, I can remember this one manager who I was convinced he knew I had a drinking problem. Like he, I just knew the way he looked at me, and I would make damn sure that if he was at one of the check stands, I did not go to him or anywhere near him where he could see what I was buying. I was doing other things as well. I I told my my friend Um, who ended up becoming my sponsor, how I hid it from my family and how I would make sure I would I would pour margaritas when my husband from the liquor cabinet when my husband would go outside. I also like margaritas in addition to wine. She listened, she listened with compassion and she asked me what I wanted to do, and I told her I was ready to make a change. And I just couldn't live with the depression I was feeling after I drank. And I told her I was ready to try AA, and I found my first meeting a week later. I I was really nervous to go to my first meeting. Um and it was God that directed me there because it's it's my home meeting to this day, and I can't even express what that meeting did for me as far as making me feel welcomed, the people there, and um the connection, the immediate connection for me. But I have to, you know, I have to say when I went in, I was I still was asking myself, was I an alcoholic? Maybe I wasn't an alcoholic, but just needed a reset. But once I knew and I once I walked in, I knew I knew the answer. And the irony just slapped me in the face that I had thought all these years I had escaped the disease that had killed my brother. I was greeted with warmth and compassion by all the members there. And one of the first things that struck me was that there were people in the room who had been sober for 10, 20, and 30 plus years. And I asked myself, why are they still here? And and I soon learned the answer, and I continue to learn the the the reason that this is a lifelong commitment to a way of life that will bring uh you so much peace and joy if you work the steps and you keep coming back and you help other alcoholics and those struggling. I would listen to them share their stories and realize I was doing some of the same things they did. There's a lot of talk about God and a higher power. I was fortunate because I already believed in God before coming to AA, yet never felt a true spiritual connection to God. I was brought up Catholic and and um, you know, just had this robotic feeling about religion and God. But it was working the first three steps for me that develop the true spiritual connection that I had wanted to feel for so many years. Whatever you want to call it, I know it was this higher power that brought me into the rooms of AA and has kept me sober for the past 15 months. I had tried in vain to do it on my own, but now I wake up each morning with a sense of gratitude that I stayed sober for another day. And I I know it's not me doing it. There's just no way I tried so hard on my own for so long. I have no racing heart in the middle of the night, no remorse for succumbing to the bottle, no anxiety and depression, no sneaking the wine bottles out of my office the next morning. I even got to the point where I didn't want to put them in the recycle bin anymore. So I would take them with me to um to the gym in the morning, and they I would have them wrapped up in a in a plastic bag, and I would throw them away at the trash can outside of the gym and then go in and do my workout. Like, how how crazy is that? How how sick. So I found a great sponsor and she gave me my marching orders, actually, more like a life raft, and I make a daily choice to hang on to that. I've had to discipline myself and follow the directions she has given me. I I do that every morning through prayer, meditation, going to meetings and following the 12 steps. I thank God for this program and all that he's provided for me. I also ask that he show me the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness, and love. I ask that the Holy Spirit fill my heart with his love, my mind with his thoughts, and my soul with his peace. I pray for my family as well as for those who are struggling. I read from the big book. On days when I miss my prayers or meditations, I notice how it affects my thinking and the way I react to things. Old behaviors or thoughts will start to surface. I know the fabric of my sobriety will start to unravel as soon as I allow my connection to God to become lax. One of the greatest gifts AA has provided me is to take a cold, hard look at who I am as a person. And, you know, in in the rooms, you'll hear people talk about what a great program the 12 steps are and how they can benefit everyone in life. And I firmly believe that it was always a challenge for me to admit wrongdoing and very easy to put the blame on someone else. And having to come to terms with my part in things has been so humbling and incredibly healing. Among my many, many character defects. I have created certain expectations of people close to me, and this in turn has resulted in a lot of resentments. And one of the first things I heard in a meeting that I love was that holding on to a resentment was like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. How true is that? Another challenge for me is my need to control my family, because if I can control them, I don't have to worry about them. And worrying is something I have tried to avoid at all costs. This program has taught me how to let go of that need to control others. It has enabled me to accept the raw truth that the only thing I can control in life is how I react to people and circumstances. Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we respond to it. I now get to choose which thoughts, impulses, and emotions to act on and which ones to let go. Going through this process, though, has brought me such a sense of gratitude for having to face these defects. It has humbled me and I'm grateful for that and ask God each day to continue to humble me because it can be really easy to start thinking I'm more than I really am. And those old thought patterns can really resurface quickly. Two years ago, um, while I was struggling with the question of whether I had a problem, I knew deep down I had to get sober. But that was deep down. And I always had an excuse not to. But for some reason I kept thinking about caterpillars and how they surround themselves in a cocoon to allow nature to take its course. They don't know what's on the other side or why they're doing it, but they just do it. And in the end, they become this beautiful butterfly, this beautiful creature that had wings and the gift of flight. I had reached the point where I knew I was like a caterpillar and couldn't ask why or have the knowledge of exactly what was on the other side. I just knew I had to take that leap of faith and believe there was a better life waiting for me. And that's exactly what I found in AA. An immensely better life with peace and serenity that I had never known. And God speaks to me in my thoughts and mostly through other people in the program. My father and two alcoholic brothers have passed away. And although they never entered AA and therefore never experienced the gifts offered here, I feel like they are watching over me and helping to carry me through this amazing process. So I will continue taking it one day at a time because that's what works for me. And if I ever get the urge to drink, which I occasionally do, I quickly fast forward in my mind what that will look like again and how quickly those awful feelings will reappear. And that's one of the things that keeps me sober. And I always remember that this program is about progress and not perfection. Thanks.

SPEAKER_01 25:28

Thank you, Maureen. What a beautiful story in your telling of it. I'm reminded of how bad it was inside. You know, you had mentioned your family perhaps questioning whether you're an alcoholic or not realizing, but the insanity, you had said it really well, the conversations you have with yourself that took you in circles, and that anxiety and depression that sets in in the morning upon waking, those are things I can never forget. Thank you for your story, because that's what made me insane. I had other outside consequences, but that inside suffering was relentless, that obsession. So you outlined it beautifully. Oh, thank you. It was beautiful. Yes. I have one question for you. Okay. For the alcoholic that's listening right now, suffering, what do you have to say?

SPEAKER_00 26:29

Take the leap of faith and go to a meeting. If you're going to meetings but you're still suffering, keep coming back. Have faith that God is going to take care of this and turn to Him as much as you can. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 26:55

For more information, read the first 164 pages of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous or visit keepcoming back.net.