Keep Coming Back Podcast
We bring the AA Speaker to the microphone to record their story of recovery, creating “Speaker Tapes” for this generation. Website: KeepComingBack.net
Keep Coming Back Podcast
vol 17. Sobriety Date 11/10/1985 (Fred)
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Fred shares his Experience, Strength and Hope. After many years of trying and failing to get sober, he finds himself at a conference for Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA), with his mother. And has been sober since. We never know how or when we'll get sober; Fred's story is a beautiful example of not giving up before the miracle happens.
Quotes
"When I picked up a drink I didn't know when I would put it down, or how many I would drink, or what the consequences would be."
"God pops up in strange ways that I never expected, and he shows up almost everywhere I look . . . and that produces a great, deep relaxation in me that no drug ever did, that I was always looking for in the drugs I used."
We believe that alcoholism is a disease, and that Alcoholics Anonymous is one of the solutions to that disease. I'm here to bring you the voices of its members, and everyone that comes on the show, including myself, is an active member and has found recovery in the rooms of AA. As you listen, please take what works for you and leave the rest. So my name is Tara. I'm an alcoholic, and I'm here with Fred this afternoon. I'm very excited to hear your story. I figured out this morning that I've known you for almost 10 years and I've not yet heard your story. And I have heard enough bits and pieces to know that you have a lot to give back to the alcoholic out there still suffering, but also to the alcoholic in recovery. So with that, you'll start with your name and your sobriety date, and then you will share your experience, strength, and hope. It certainly does not have to be in that order. And then I'll ask you a couple questions. You can go for as little as 20 minutes or as long as 60.
SPEAKER_00Okay. Thank you. Are we live?
SPEAKER_01We are live.
SPEAKER_00Oh my gosh. My name's Fred. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and uh my sobriety date is November 10th, 1985. And that's a significant day in my life because it's the day I went to an ACA conference, the second annual convention for adult children of alcoholics at the Biltmore Hotel in Los Angeles. And I had been in and out of AA and NA and CA at that time for over seven years trying to get sober. And I'd get a few months and then I'd relapse. And then one time I got a year and a half and I relapsed. And that last time that I relapsed, I couldn't stop. And it went on for almost two years, and I couldn't muster up the desire to quit drinking or using. And so uh I kind of gave up on ever hoping to get clean and sober. There was a reason I drank. Um the the uh the life that led up to the 15 years of drinking that I did from 1969 to 1985 well seemed wonderful. I had great parents. We traveled all over the world. I was a kid from a military family. Dad was a chaplain in the army, and he served in Okinawa and Korea and Vietnam. And he took us with him to Vietnam. We lived there for two years when I was 11. And that is a significant time because that's when I was shipped off to boarding school, and when mom's drinking got out of hand, uh and so I kind of felt distant from the family at that point and really had to learn how to fight to stay alive. And yet uh I got interested in school, biology, started doing well in school until we got evacuated back to the United States. And at that point, I came back to in America that uh it was in 1965 that was in the midst of turmoil, lots of uh protests and conflicts, and I had warm feelings about Vietnam and Vietnamese people and the French language and many things about that, and you know, nobody wanted to hear that. So uh, you know, we moved every two years, and I changed schools every year, because even on the years we were in one place, I was between junior high and high school or high school and you know the next level. And I always thought of that as an adventure until I tried to settle down. And it didn't work so well. I uh I was uncomfortable getting to know people and letting them get to know me. Um I know, hard to believe now, but that discomfort continued over into college. When I went off to college, I went to USC and I didn't start drinking right away. You know, it was the second year that the drinking got out of hand. I joined a fraternity, and there was plenty of beer available every weekend. We had Thursday Night Beer Drinking Club, and uh even then it didn't get out of hand for me unless I went to a party, and then I would quite often drink so much I'd black out. So then I just think, well, I need to moderate this a little bit, and I'd I'd cut back and just drink a couple of beers, you know, a few times a week, and that's how it went until I discovered marijuana. When that took off, my drinking increased, and as well as other drug stimulants, and it allowed me to drink more, and that caused me to uh switch majors in college, and I dropped out of physics, tried my hand at uh biology, pre-med, flunked out of uh chemistry, and so I uh switched over to political science, international relations. That's what I graduated in at 1975, and really that's when the drinking and the drug use took off. And became daily pretty soon after that. And uh I uh lost my interest in most careers at that point, and most of my ambition disappeared. I was just interested in being drunk or loaded or high in the afternoons after work, and so I became what I call a functional alcoholic. You know, I could get to work, but I couldn't generate enough power and interest to make a career takeoff. And that was obvious to everyone around me, but not so much to me. And even if it was obvious to me, I couldn't do anything about it. I worked for the family bank at that point, and they were very hopeful that I would be a manager someday, so they put me on the fast track to the management classes and activities, and uh I kept uh losing track of um important information and audits and got demoted again and again, lost positions there, even though it was family and they couldn't really fire me. The shame was incredible. And uh so they just kept demoting me down lower and lower until I was the security guard with a gun in the parking lot. And I think they were hoping somebody would shoot me and put me out of my misery at that point, but uh that didn't happen. I just kept on living. And uh I tried going back to school, but I couldn't remember things. I'd take the classes and wouldn't pass the test. There was just no drive, no no interest, no motivation there. And that went on until, like I said, 1985, when I went to this conference and began to meet all the people working with children who'd grown up in alcoholic families. Now, my mom had hidden her alcoholism so well, you wouldn't be able to tell that she was an alcoholic, but she was going to AA. And so that was a clue. Um, I had a very powerful emotional experience um that weekend. Through guided imagery and hypnosis, I met what they called my inner child. And it was an image of me at age 11 when I was in Vietnam. And I don't know why that image came back to me. They didn't tell us what to think or program it, it just automatically came back. And that was an age where I was hopeful, where I had hopes and dreams, where I had energy, where I was alive and glad to be that way. Um so for the next two years, I went to uh ACA meetings in Long Beach and uh stayed clean and sober. I made a commitment to what I I called little Freddy that I would stay sober and clean and I'd pay attention and I'd take care of him better. So I began to learn what it was gonna take to get sober. Um the words I used at that point became very important. I realized that some people could help other people with these connections that made them want to live, want to stay sober, want to grow, and uh throw off their hopelessness at a very deep level. So I got curious about that. Um worked the 12 steps through Claudia Black's workbook and in the ACA meetings there, and I actually met the woman that I would eventually marry, Janice. We got married and moved in uh 1989. At that point, uh there was not too many ACA meetings up here, so I switched over to AA because I was familiar with it, and they used the same 12 steps. Um and I hadn't relapsed, but it was like starting over. I was a newcomer, and I heard the warnings of the old timers who'd moved to new uh places. Um this is probably the most uh dangerous time for relapse because you don't know anybody. You left your old friends. Uh you can't just uh pick up a phone and go to a meeting that you're familiar with and get the kind of support you need. So I had to learn that if I wanted a friend, I had to be a friend. I had to stick out my hand, introduce myself, let people get to know me, get to know them, and see what I could offer. Um I was still trying to do banking up here at that time, and it was not something that I enjoyed. So uh after a few years of that, I went to work for NTEL Corporation and then uh didn't go anywhere with that, so I decided to go back to school and took a career development class and uh found that I could enjoy counseling and drug and alcohol uh treatment as a career. Uh there's warnings in the traditions about that. You know, we don't make this professional, and yet um I went for it because it felt like the right thing to do at the time. In the meantime, I was going through one sponsor after another. I I've had about 13 sponsors since I got sober. More than half of them have died because I tend to pick old people and they seem wiser and uh they help me a lot, and then they'd move or die, and so I'd pick somebody else. And that became a good habit. I also began to include book studies and step studies in my regular meetings that would refresh my memory about the steps when I wasn't working with newcomers so much. It would also um help me find people that were uh you know versed in how to explain the recovery process and kept me involved. So uh it would also revitalize my excitement about the program and renew my spiritual energy to grow closer to God and uh broaden my understanding of God. And so I continue that to this day, and that's what uh makes me excited about recovery from uh my alcoholism. If if that's all you heard about my story, you might not even think I was an alcoholic. Um a couple of years after I graduated from college and went to work at the bank, uh, I began to get uh DUIs, get pulled over, get arrested, crash cars, um, have uh blackouts. Um there was lots of negative consequences that were coming at me very fast. And even though I didn't drink like some alcoholics, like every day, um, and I never had the DTs, I had enough negative consequences to know that when I picked up a drink, I didn't know when I would put it down, or how many I would drink after that, or what the consequences would be. The last blackout I had happened after four drinks, a couple of double screwdrivers after work, and didn't wake up till the next morning, didn't remember anything that happened, still don't remember it. And like it's like a permanent blackout for me. And as that started to happen more frequently, I realized that I couldn't drink safely at all, and yet I couldn't muster up the energy to stop completely. So uh some of my first sponsors uh taught me that if I start to lose interest in recovery in the program, I I need to redouble my efforts. I need to uh continue to work step 10, 11, and 12. I need to become willing to work with newcomers. Um I need to learn more about prayer and meditation in a personal way where it begins to benefit me directly with all my problems. And so uh I've done that before and I I am doing it even now. At times I would go to mindfulness meditation trainings or uh uh other types of uh workshops or uh weekly sitting groups and practice uh Buddhist meditation. Um lately I've been exploring uh centering prayer and the 12 steps. Uh Thomas Keating has done some writing about that, and I'm using him right now to uh strengthen my personal meditation skills and commit to 20 minutes a day, twice a day, uh trying to discipline myself to do that. And it's paying off. I'm really enjoying it. Um the latest sponsor I got, Ed, has uh encouraged me to start sponsoring people again. And as I did that, I found that uh the problems I haven't yet overcome in my own life are being addressed as I work with the newcomers. And it's very strange how they come up. Um, they'll come up with conversations with the other person. They will have overcome problems I can't seem to overcome even now. And they'll help me. And I'll take them through the book and the steps and help them with their alcoholism, and they'll help me with everything else, it seems like. God seems to be bringing people into my life that are touching me very deeply, and all I have to do is be open and vulnerable and willing to take direction from other people and not judge who is better or worse at that. Just be willing to listen. Sometimes the most uh inconspicuous person will be the one that I need to listen to today, and uh the changes I need to make will come through that person. So uh the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous and working with others continues to unfold for me as I keep coming back, as I try to stay open, um, as I try to put routines into my life that make my recovery solid. You know, one of the things I've learned in my recovery is I can strengthen it. And at other times it can become weaker. It's like an economy. When I put investments into my recovery, it pays off, pays dividends, pays big time. Um some of the things I'm doing on a daily basis now to make that happen is uh in the morning when I wake up, I say a little prayer, ask God to help me stay clean and sober today, and to do his will. Then I get up and take a shower and go to work. I'm off and running. And at some point in the morning I'll pick up uh usually Daily Reflections or one of the other books and read it out loud to another person or just to myself. Um just to remind me what step I'm thinking about today, what step I'm working on today. And in Daily Reflections, the month matches the step. So this is December. So there's a lot about 12-step work that I get to review. Um it's very helpful. The third thing I do is try to pick up the phone and call another alcoholic or addict every day and see how they're doing. Um, listen. Sometimes the most valuable thing I can do for someone is just listen to them and not give them advice. It's very tempting to say something that you think will be helpful, but it may be that God is working on that person's heart and all they need is someone to listen to them. And as they hear the words coming out of their mouth, the words catch in their throat and the emotions come up, and they realize what they need to do without any effort on my part. Just compassionate listening, being a loving witness is so powerful. I've learned that over and over again in work and in my recovery. And something happens when I work with newcomers and Alcoholics Anonymous, not expecting any money in return. It pays uh dividends in the form of spirituality and friendships and personal growth, and learning how to manage my expectations, learning about the earth and the economy of giving and connection, learning that I'm part of much more than I ever imagined, just having been born on this planet and into this family. I consider AA my family. Um I take as much wisdom back to my church from the meetings I go to as I bring to it from any uh religious activities I've participated in in my life. I noticed that I could read the Bible or the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and uh not be able to share that with others. And other people can share their personal experience in such powerful ways that it just changes people. So dragging my eyes across the page doesn't do the miracle. Something happens when I try to connect with a real person and share with them and listen and admit my mistakes in the interactive process. My heart opens, um, compassion begins to well up, and um the right words seem to come. And as a result of that, my faith has grown stronger, and it doesn't seem to be connected to my belief systems. I've had many different belief systems, and yet my faith grows stronger by being open to the fact that it just works, regardless of what I believe, and it empowers me to walk through fears. Sometimes it seems that uh the unknown holds the most fear for me, and when I take a deep breath and do it, like coming here today, um I find this spirit in in the room that helps me that flows back and forth like energy. Um, I'm starting to sound all woo-woo. It's very strange. It's almost like uh I'm not in control of it. Sobriety is just not enough for me. I realize as I stay sober that I can run away from my life, from the truth, from reality, um, using other addictions, uh, television, uh the internet, uh relationships. Um I have to learn how to listen to my higher power deeply enough to follow his directions and sometimes do things I'd rather not do. I've learned that my character defects, my selfishness, go deep into my subconscious. And uh like Bill talked about in the chapter that uh talks about step two, um, I've been the bewildered one, I've been the uh the intellectual one where I could figure this program out and defend myself against all obstacles, foreign or domestic. Um, and that's not always helpful. Uh being smart, sometimes it takes longer to get this program. I've seen people that were just humbler by nature, that just took to it like fish to water and recovered and started working with others and seemed to progress much faster than me. I I have to analyze things, I have to know you know what I think and what I feel and what I believe. And yet that's not always helpful. So uh lately the work I've been doing with uh other people in AA trying to understand how the 12 steps connect with uh just sitting quietly and letting God introduce Himself to me without any labels for 20 minutes twice a day. Um it seems to be valuable, seems to be producing results. And he pops up in strange ways that I never expected. And he shows up almost everywhere I look. And that produces a great deep relaxation inside of me that no drug ever did, that I was always looking for in the drugs I used. That peace of mind allows clarity of thought in a whole new way. Sometimes I'll get new ideas about what I need to be doing that changes my direction completely. I still have a lot of growth to do, a lot to work on with myself and in relationships to other people. Um I could be more disciplined in managing my time, my energy. Um, but I'm open to that today. And I'm very grateful for the people that have taken time to work with me down through the years uh without demanding any compensation. All they wanted was for me to pass it on. Uh so that's what I'm trying to do today. Uh most of the meetings I go to uh have a limit of three to five minutes. So I'm not used to speaking this long. And so I run out of energy and steam. I realize I should have taken a few more notes uh to hit the highlights of the things I really want to emphasize. So um, my experience is that I became powerless over alcohol and other drugs, and that my life became unmanageable. Um, and I was like stuck in quicksand. I got to a point where I didn't think I would ever get out, and no one could pull me out. That's what happened to me. The miracle occurred when somebody pulled me out, and I was able to rinse off the sand and start walking forward, and my heart was restored, and the love came back into my mind and my body, and I was able to care about myself enough to take better care of myself again. And what's happening now is I'm finding that I'm still powerless over a lot of aspects of my thinking, my body, my mind, and I still need God uh just as much as I ever did, and I need people in my life uh even more than I ever did. And as I learned to uh be a friend among friends and share with them, the rewards seem to come. As I begin to recognize my need for power, for control, for approval, and let those go, the relationships seem to improve. Um it's exciting to be alive at this time in history, to have struggled with these addictions and with spirituality, and uh come back to the place where uh Ramdas talks about where uh I can just be nobody and be okay with that. Be one among many.
SPEAKER_01I have a couple questions.
SPEAKER_00All right.
SPEAKER_01Can you talk a bit about so your dad was a chaplain and you speak quite creatively about your higher power and your beliefs? You said woo-woo. I felt like, oh, we're just getting started, we're getting to the good stuff, we haven't gone crazy yet. Um, but I think that's because probably we align quite a bit when it comes to uh that area. How does growing up with a chaplain as a father play a role in your spiritual program?
SPEAKER_00My father uh was in Okinawa right after uh Hacksaw Ridge happened. And uh the war ended, and for six months he watched the other soldiers he was serving with just go to the bars and uh the brothels and cheat on their wives, and he didn't want to do that. So he hooked up with the base chaplain and started a youth program, and that got him interested in the ministry. So when he came back to the United States, he went to Princeton and got his master's in divinity, and then just kicked around, not sure what he wanted to do with that. Um God seemed to be calling him to go where there was the most suffering. So he re-enlisted in the army and went to Korea, and that's when I was born, 1951. He never talked about that, but uh, after his death, they wrote him up for a silver star and a bronze star. He'd organize the Koreans in a stretcher brigade to go out behind the artillery lines and pick up bodies and bring them back to the hospital. Somebody saw him doing it. He would give his helmet to one soldier and his canteen to another, and he just kept going until he dropped. Um he didn't seem to have any fear, but he knew what to do and he was able to do it. Seeing that much death must have affected him. He was a very quiet man after that. Then he took us to Vietnam and we lived there for two years, and I got to meet some Buddhist monks and travel the country and see the big Buddha in Nitrang. And those people were so peaceful and calm. I just knew they had the spirit in them too. And it made me question what all this religious stuff was that my dad was involved in. And he let me hand out bulletins to the soldiers that would come into the little bamboo church at the airfield there in Nitrang and help him. Um, he was uh interested in psychology, studied Jung, and he had his own psychoanalysis done at that time. And eventually he wrote a program for the chaplains in the army to allow them to make a transition from preaching at a church to working in a hospital, a field hospital with soldiers who had been wounded and who had similar characteristics to people in a mental hospital. So we had to learn how to work with all kinds of people. And he talked about this frequently, and when he passed away, he passed his books on to me. As I read them, I had to uh step back and rethink my understanding of God's nature and how I'd been saved from my alcoholism, and I realized uh I really didn't know much. So that brought humility that I needed to grow. Um quieted me down a little, helped me get curious to explore other directions. And as I found people who understood how to relate all the religions of the world and still hold strong in their faith, I was encouraged to keep exploring, to stay open, to keep learning, to not be afraid of my mind or what I was learning from other people that might threaten it. And so I was able to let go of the more fundamentalist Christianity that had served me in the beginning. I had had a born-again experience in 1977, uh, when the pastor's wife took pity on me and asked me to pray the sinner's prayer, and I actually saw Christ come into my heart, and uh I stayed sober for about nine months and tried to do it with church only, but those people could drink and I couldn't. Um I thought Christ had saved me from my alcoholism, but when I started drinking again, it took off. And pretty soon I felt uncomfortable being around them, and I walked away from that church again, and my faith and my alcoholism went on for another uh five or six years. So I really didn't understand how to um use my faith or how to connect with the kind of an understanding of God that would help me stay sober. I had more to learn, God had more to teach me, and that's when he introduced me to the ACA and to uh psychology in a different way and opened my mind to other ways. God has presented himself on earth to many different people and cultures, and I'd lived in some of those cultures, and they'd reached out and helped me when I was much younger, so I knew it was real. I just had to find it. So that lit a fire inside of me, the curiosity still lives today. And uh sometimes when I uh can't think of who to pray to, I'll just try to get real quiet. And sometimes the image of my father will come to me. That happened just the day before yesterday while meditating. He put his hand on my chest and started to heal me. I could feel energy coming into me. He was humming a little tune and smiling at me. He's still there, he's still alive. He's as close as my hand. So that's how his faith is carried forward into me and still lives. He seemed to care about people when they were getting blown up, no matter how much suffering they were going through, and showed me ways to do that a few times. So anyway, I don't know if I've answered your question, but that's what I think about is you asked me about my father.
SPEAKER_01I'm very glad that I asked you that question, and I think that you answered it beautifully.
SPEAKER_00I remember when I was in the depths of my addiction and my father didn't know how to help me. And uh he would go to Al Anon and pray for me. And he sent me a card one time and he said, uh, why don't you try AA for a year and see if your life gets any better? Um, if it doesn't, you could always, you know, go to something else. He said, just stay open. And a few months later, I went to my first AA meeting, as it was a choice of whether to go to my dealer or go to the meeting. And I went to uh One for the Road in Long Beach. It was 11 o'clock at night, and I met Frankie, who had seven years sober. And I'll never forget that meeting. I I really didn't know why she kept coming back. If she hadn't drank for seven years, what's going on here? This is crazy. Uh, I really didn't understand what was going on. And so uh that card that he sent me and his willingness to let me go um was just what I needed at the time. And it led to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous that uh opened up my curiosity. And then later, when I was going to Al-Anon and they heard my story there, and they said, Well, you sound more like an alcoholic than an Al-Anon person. Why don't you go to AA? And I said, Well, they want me to stay sober forever, and I can't do that. And the old timer said, Uh, well, sometimes you can do something for one day you couldn't do if you thought you had to do it for the rest of your life. And I realized at that point that I really didn't understand one day at a time at all. And then I went back to AA, and guess what? Everybody sounded different. Uh, the old timers weren't threatening, I could hear them, I wasn't afraid anymore. Um, I had something to offer. The whole uh program had changed and had been infused with an energy I still don't know where it came from.
SPEAKER_01So your father got you to the rooms of AA?
SPEAKER_00He did.
SPEAKER_01That makes me really happy.
SPEAKER_00And my mother took me to that first ACA conference, and she um firmly instructed me never to talk about her alcoholism. And so I uh promptly broke all those rules in those meetings, uh broke her anonymity. It was a terrible example of what you should do. She was right, of course, but uh I've toned that down some, thank goodness. And she's still sober, you know, and 94, living in a retirement home, uh, assisted living in San Diego. And I got to spend Thanksgiving with her uh last week, and uh the whole family was there, and the cycles are going on.
SPEAKER_01You mentioned the traditions, and you mentioned your career, which I highly respect you for, and I know in the big book it talks about um some of us do make a career out of this, not all of us do. Step 12 work is not meant to be a career, but dedicating yourself to AA. Um, we have service centers and we have other needs where we have employees. Do you see that being a contradiction in the traditions?
SPEAKER_00Uh I've had to figure that out for myself. Um, I've done service work in HI, going into prisons. I've done the phone lists, the calls, taking those calls and served down at central office before. Um I see it all as service work in. It's different than the work I do that I'm paid for. Right now I work at a methadone clinic with opiate addicts. Some of them are alcoholic, some of them aren't. Um I am paid to do specific types of work with them. Um I do paperwork, I do treatment plans, intakes, assessments, uh, referrals, and uh interventions that use uh medically assisted treatment or methadone or suboxone or buprenorphine to help them with their extreme withdrawals. And sometimes it comes up that I'm in the recovery program I'm in, and I encourage them to seek out and find a kind of support system that works for them. Of course, you can't tell somebody to come to this program. Um, nobody could tell me anything. And so the insights and wisdom that have come to me through working with my current sponsor is that my sobriety is based on giving this away for free, not expecting anything in return, learning how to um let go of my expectations of everyone I work with, even the newcomers I work with in Alcoholics Anonymous. Um and that my job as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous is to go through the books, uh, the big book in the 12 and 12 with people and help them work the steps in a way that helps them get clean and sober and connect with their higher power. That's all. I don't give advice, I don't do counseling, I don't do therapy. And by doing that, I'm I feel like I'm respecting the traditions.
SPEAKER_01You had mentioned the traditions earlier, so I just wanted to clarify that there are people that do dedicate their life to this, and that's not contradicting or going against the tradition.
SPEAKER_00Right, I I believe that. That's correct.
SPEAKER_01I do as well.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I do point out every chance I get that keep coming back is not meant to monetize, it's just 12-step work.
SPEAKER_00Let's hope they don't.
SPEAKER_01And um well, it took a while for me to explain to my husband that well, I can't you can't do commercials. You can't that doesn't work. That doesn't work. Um so I'm so grateful to hear your story, and I love listening to you every time you share. And you've said one thing um about your faith uh grows regardless of your belief or the belief systems, and that really rang true for me because my faith seems to be in constant need of strengthening, and I get an opportunity every day to practice my faith. My new mantra is this may sound sound woo-woo or crazy, but I I play a lot with my self-talk. And so one thing I do is do you trust me? Meaning my higher power speaking to me. Do you trust me? Do you trust me? And the answer is always yes, I trust you, yes, I trust you. So I practice this question and answer in my head of do you trust me? Yes, I trust you. And I can then surrender. Do you trust me or do you not trust me? If I'm running late, you can relate to this, Fred. Yeah. When I'm running late because I can't stand being late. If I'm not 10 minutes early, I'm late. And I'm working on being okay if I'm running late. So this is a constant, do you trust me? Yes, I trust you. And it seems to work with the surrendering and the faith, which is in, like I said, constant need of strengthening.
SPEAKER_00Thank you for sharing that. That's very powerful. Yes, and the faith strengthens my openness, reminds me of that first letter I got from my father, and helps me to uh grow uh by um taking responsibility for how I use my time, my energy, um, and my prayer life and my higher power. You know, God gave us free will, He's not gonna take that back. I'm gonna have to use that. That's the work that was talked about in the meeting this morning. I can realize I need to surrender and still not do it, still be too afraid to do it. And I'm sure there's hundreds of areas where that's happening in my own subconscious. And yet I know my higher power is there to call me forward and to grow and to trust and to open up and move through those barriers that still block me today in some areas.
SPEAKER_01I love your tenacious, relentless desire and action to grow. I can count on you to be vulnerable and honest in the meeting, and I learn from you watching you grow through and struggle through the things that you do. And I'm just so grateful for you. For the alcoholic out there suffering, perhaps never been in the rooms or tried the rooms and has not yet made it back. What do you have to say?
SPEAKER_00Alcohol was my friend. It helped me relax, it helped me find the courage to talk to people I couldn't talk to otherwise, it helped me to let go of uh worries and fears and angers and resentments that were destroying me. It uh it served its purpose while I used it. Um I'm not here to take away your alcohol or your other drugs. I'm here to help you find a sufficient substitute that takes away all the reasons why you needed to use it in the first place, so that your body can be healthy and your mind can grow without thinking that it's the alcohol that's helping me. Um it's really wonderful to be able to have a breakthrough to find a higher power that is a sufficient substitute to alcohol, to where I don't need it anymore, where the cravings don't seem to have a purpose anymore. I know that sometimes just one or two words can make such a difference. My commitment is to be careful how I use them and um hold on to the commitment to help others. Um people uh have to be ready, yes, they have to hit bottom, yes, but bottoms don't get people clean and sober, bottoms don't give people spiritual awakenings. I I know that because it didn't help me. I kept hitting bottom after bottom, and I I I've seen people. People rely upon that bottom to get sober and end up six feet under. I try not to miss a funeral these days in AA. Sometimes people don't get it. That should never happen. Our whole society and culture is moving forward with its spiritual awakening. You know, the big book was written in 1939. It was a breakthrough. It's a tool for recovery, unequaled. As long as the drugs are and the alcohol are working for you, and you probably won't search anywhere else. I just feel so fortunate that I've found answers and solutions, not just in meetings, but in individuals and people that I can talk to and feel loved by. The solution comes when you can trust someone enough to really let down your guard and get honest about what you haven't been able to do in solving your problems. And then let them guide you into a deeper understanding of the steps, prayer, meditation, the inventory work that we do, the service work that we do. And then sometimes we need therapists, sometimes we need psychiatrists and medications. That's where stay open is probably the most important thing I've ever heard in recovery. I need to stay open to how God's gonna work with me today, and I ask you, the newcomer, to stay open to how he's gonna work with you. And to keep asking questions, to keep getting new sponsors to keep open. You know, the best kept secret in AA is that we could sponsor each other. All we'd have to do is start going back through the steps and sharing them with each other. And we would grow even more than we're at now. And anyone could do that in any meeting we go to. We just don't think we can ask them.
SPEAKER_01I almost asked you to sponsor me once. Do you remember we talked about it and I said I'd pray about it? Fred, I'll officially ask you now. Will you walk me through the 12 steps?
SPEAKER_00I would be be honored to. Wonderful. It's a plan. It's a plan. We're gonna do it.
SPEAKER_01Well, all of the work you do and everything you bring to the table, even if you show up five minutes late, which I smile at because it pisses Brian off so much that I can't help but laugh because it's just fun to make him mad. Um, all of the work, everything you do in your own words is paying off.
SPEAKER_00Thank you.
SPEAKER_01Thank you.
SPEAKER_00Thanks for inviting me to be here today and uh make an effort to put into words something that's impossible to put into words. My faith, my love, my friendships, my connections, my reason for being, raison d'être. Uh to ça. Thank you, Fred. Merci.
SPEAKER_01For more information, read the first one hundred and sixty-four pages of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, or visit keepcoming back.net