vol 31. Sobriety Date 12/21/2016 (Adam)

Adam shares his Experience, Strength and Hope from the very beginning when his parents met in rehab, to his own sobriety at only 19 yrs old. Despite all the pain of addiction he grew up around, Adam still found himself powerfully curious about alcohol and drugs. He went on to do his own exploring of both; he shares here his journey to DUIs, almost dying, living with an invincibility complex and binge eating as a dry alcoholic. Today however, Adam is 25 yrs old and has found himself living in "peaceful stimulation" when he works his simple program.

Quotes
"I was a blackout drinker, almost every time . . . I was fascinated by it, never bothered or ashamed."

"There is this constant peaceful stimulation when I'm plugged into the program." 

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SPEAKER_00 0:01

We believe that alcoholism is a disease. And that alcoholic is a solution to the disease. I'm here to bring you the voices of its members. Everyone that comes on the show, including myself, is an active member and has found recovery in the rooms of AA. As you listen, please take what works for you and leave the rest.

SPEAKER_01 1:59

But, you know, as I before all this, before I was even considering alcoholism, before I contemplated any of that, even as a kid, it was always so strange to me to think of a world where like my mom and my dad made sense together just because they met. And you know, growing up, it's like my my dad, I have never been alive to see him under the influence of anything, right? So it today he has um it's 2020, so 32 years of sobriety. I'm I'm 25. And um my mom has six years. And I lived a divorce when I was one, I lived with her full time um and saw him every other weekend, which um is something, another one of those things that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But um I lived with a mother who was constantly in the depths of um uh depression and addiction and alcoholism. And uh, you know, she was um uh eventually just became a just a full-blown um heroin addict, and and that was essentially true throughout, I mean, until I was 19 years old, you know, and so there's a sometimes classic, you know, like childhood problematic storyline going on there, and um and I don't know, it's just I I've I've always found it interesting that um like although I was face to face with um some of the like repercussions that come from addiction, right? As I like dealt with weird things from my mom and saw the way that alcoholism and addiction can like tear a family apart and make things so hard. It's like although I was always very angry at that, and I was I was very privy to that whole process, like it never swayed my curiosity. I remember growing up and just being like as I'm playing video games or like as I'm getting older and hearing about like drugs and alcohol, I remember just being so fascinated with what that was like because it it made no sense to me, right? Like I'd play a video game and on Grand Atada, you can go and drink a beer and everything gets fuzzy, and it's like I just remember I would just do that over and over again. Um because I just couldn't understand like what it would be like and what it meant to um I guess now it's a change of reality, right? I just I I was always so powerfully curious about that. Um and yeah, I guess I guess that's sort of that, you know. I um as a kid uh and and growing up, um I was always it's like if I found something that I really love to eat, I would beg and beg and beg and beg to eat that like 14 days in a row, right? And it was always this cute, kind of funny, like Adam thing. Um, but I am most certainly of the belief that like I am one of those that uh did not sort of meet a threshold eventually and cross over into alcoholism. Um and specifically that that but specifically that I was born this way, right? It's like this this it's kind of been everything I've I've ever known. This very like extreme-centric, all or nothing um thought process. Uh has I don't know, I I I I'm not sure that was ever not there with me. So, alright, growing up, um threw out a bunch of weird childhood stuff, right? Make it make it out of that. And I was, let's see, 13 when I um tried my first substance, right? It was um I smoked weed for the first time when I was when I was 13 years old, and that was in February. And from that day for the subsequent four months, I smoked every single day. I mean, I I I'll actually I'll take that back. I think um because of a a scarcity issue, it's like at first it was like, okay, weekend thing, this is great. I did it, I remember it was like, yeah, okay, great. This is like I've always thought after this. This is this is fun. And um, so it's like I'll do this on the weekend. And then um the next weekend, I was like, God damn it, this is fun. Um, let me try to get some more. And so very quickly, I was taking the like $50 a week that um my dad would send me on a little prepaid debit card, taking it out as cash and spending all of it on that, and then like all the while trying to figure out how I can get more and how I can sustain the ability to do this this more often, and which eventually uh turned into me doing it every day, right? And so um I'm doing that, I'm doing that, I'm doing that, and then I eventually uh keep saying eventually, but but um in the middle of all that, uh June, and I am a full-blown um you know, weed smoker and connoisseur. Uh, it's two days before I'm supposed to quote unquote graduate from eighth grade and um was skipping class just like just uh arrogantly, I would just walk out of school for a couple periods and go to this little forest, they called it a gully in in in Southern Utah, and um I would just sit there and and do that. And so uh I eventually got caught. They brought me into the school, it was this whole thing, they called my mom. Um and she, although her and I had been having problems constantly and living in this like ever-fluctuating um uh crazy space, this was sort of the strogue that broke the camel's back, and so she decided to stop um stop trying to make it seem like she had everything under control as it came to raising me, and called my dad and was like, hey, I I don't know what to do, I can't do this anymore. And so um basically that day um I moved to where my dad was now living in Louisiana, and um and uh yeah, you know, the whole thought process behind that was to put me with a more responsible um and like secure, reliable parental force to like nip all this all this bad behavior in the butt and um uh allow me to like blossom into whatever whatever I was supposed to be. And um and in many ways it did. I mean, I uh I went out to live with with my dad and stepmom and um whom I both love just so dearly, and uh, you know, I it was definitely the best thing for me, but like as I mentioned earlier, there was this like unmovable curiosity that would like pretty quickly rear its rear its head back up. And so, you know, fast forwarding a bit, um I remember like as life is is certainly happier now, and like there are like less, if any, problems I can point at um as far as like my you know like personal and familial life to be like ah, I'm I'm sad about this. Everything was great, everything was fine. I had a happy life, things were great. Um and uh remember the first time I came back to uh Salt Lake City, I um hooked up with some of my old friends that I used to run around with, and um one of them was now selling ecstasy. I hope it's okay I'm saying all these uh specific drug names on here. Um maybe it'll be edited out. Um but um when we're selling ecstasy, I I show up the first night, um, did that, and this is significant and became significant for me because it's like I did that with these kids in Salt Lake City. Um the first time I did it, I ended up taking, you know, six six pills in a in a like a 14-hour period, and um that went on for three days. I mean, I went three days, no sleep, no eating, and I was in heaven. Like it was the greatest thing I never even knew that that I needed, right? I mean, I yeah, I was blown away at how drawn to that whole process I was, you know. And on the day, on the fourth day, uh my friend had to go to school. Um, I was staying in his apartment, I was staying at his house with his mom, and her and I were both doing ecstasy, and I remember that I didn't I didn't know where the rest of the pills were, and we used to sit and crush them like on this dresser, and there was a rug on the floor, and I was like, you know what? I bet there's some in that rug somewhere. And so I found myself uh, you know, 14 years old, just running my nose up and down this rug crevice in in the wall, um, just hoping whatever else just gets me like a little piece of that, right? And that was the first time in my life that I was like, wait a second, like this I might have a problem here. Um and it was a fleeting thought, but it was it was it was there nonetheless, and so um, you know, that sort of started my uh openness towards like any substance, really, right? Like, like it was easy for me to blow off the oh I was just smoking a little weed and got caught, like this isn't a huge deal. Um, but now with this and specifically like like rug surfing with my nose um at 3 p.m. with my friend's mother, um, I was like, I might have a problem, but um, I certainly wasn't ready to like get introspective about that. And so go back to Louisiana. Um, you know, I'm I'm I uh I'm a sophomore in high school. Um I black out almost almost every single time I drink. And it's kind of this fun, cute little thing, right? It's like my friends always gotta um it's like this exciting journey, and uh I wake up or come to the next day, and I get to like relive all these stories and hear about them. And for some reason, even that was like fascinating for me. Um something about having to like Sherlock Holmes my way through um the previous night. It's like I wasn't bothered by that, I wasn't ashamed of it. Um it was like this whole thing, every aspect of it was like this is fun. Um and you know, that was that was kind of that. I um that whole like seek out um any substance, like I'll get fucked up whenever. Uh, that was like kind of cemented as a constant for me. I was just that way now, right? It had ever every opportunity that I I had um was just that way. You know, I was uh starting Adderall in the football locker room before football games for no reason other than the fact that like I loved the way it felt. And it was this fun, like I really feel like I got I got something out of the like mischievous aspect of it all. Um and so yeah, you know, I uh later on that year of my sophomore year high school, I ended up getting in this this car wreck and broke 23 bones. And um uh it was kind of this this big deal, right? And uh my you know the cop like called my parents, told me I was told them I was gonna die in the car, that they should come over and and say goodbye to me. And it was this whole I I've obviously survived, right? But it was like quite the event. Um ended up getting in an ambulance. My ambulance got totaled on the way to the hospital. Kind of this, it was kind of this whole thing, and um that was significant in my life, but that has that actually became very, very, very significant in terms of my sobriety and sort of like the path that my life would take over the next three years, because um uh first that touched on this um this attention soft spot for me, right? It's like all of a sudden I have the high school that I was going at, they were praying for me, and people are coming to the hospital all the time, and I'm getting all this attention, even as I get out of the hospital, right? Even as I start to get better, um I I it's like people see me now, the people that I'd always yearned for their attention, the people that I always like desperately wanted to be friends with, it's like everybody kind of knew me now in the small, you know, small-ish um uh high school community um of schools that I was at. And I loved that. Absolutely loved that. And um, and yeah, I don't know. I just I really I really did. And um that also sort of either birthed or like gave a lot of life to this. Um what's the word I'm looking for? Um kind of security order complex isn't the right word, but like I just had this arrogance, this invincibility complex, that's what I was looking for. I had this arrogance from that, though like I was untouchable. Like uh, you know, I walked through life and school and like whatever a 16-year-old has to do, and um, I now had special treatment at school. I had no due dates weren't a thing for me, and it was like this just fun, hilarious process. Um, but I just did whatever I wanted with zero repercussions. And so for me, that meant like bringing alcohol to school and and putting beers in my bag and putting, you know, like pints in my bag, and um and being so flippant about like consequences, and I tested that, I pushed that envelope constantly, and like never never had a consequence from it. Um fast forward to you know um October of my senior year of high school. I now just filled with arrogance. Um I'm like two years past this wreck, and um I'm like second in my class in this in this small high school, and I like have all these big aspirations and big dreams, but all the while I'm carrying around this backpack with I don't know, like three full beers, um, an empty pint of of vodka, um uh steroid vials that I was doing at the time, a bunch of weeds, some cigarettes, like the gamut of things. And um I had friends for months be like, hey, uh consider taking all of that stuff out, you idiot. Like, why bring this to school? Um, because I never intended to use really any of that at school. But I was standing in line one day, my backpack started leaking. It was the beer can I just bust that had been in there for six months. Uh the principal walks over and he's like, hey, Adam, like let me help you clean that up. Um, bends down with the napkins, beer. That was that. I get kicked out of uh high school in the middle of my senior year. And um that was a first in in what ended up being a long list of consequences that like began to grow with severity and intensity, like every week it seemed. So I get kicked out of high school. Um my life's in shambles a bit. I ended up still getting into the uh the the college, one of the colleges I applied for. Um still a great school, had to sort of like lie and write my way through that that letter explaining what happened. But now I'm like I find myself in college um a semester before all the rest of my friends, and um life is great, right? Everything is set, and then at that same time I get a call from an attorney that says, Hey, um, we're the guys that were like involved with some of the car wreck litigation from a couple years ago. I just want to let you know that um when you turn 18, you are gonna come pick up a check from us for $756,850. Um, which like blew my mind. I mean, uh I didn't know what to think about that, but um I'll tell you, I absolutely did think that like I now in every aspect possible had life by the ball. And specifically that like I was gonna take this money that I deserved from this hardship of this this car accident, and like I was gonna have these experiences, and I was smarter than literally everybody that um certainly my parents, and like I wasn't gonna let anybody tell me what to do. I was gonna take this and and uh do whatever I wanted. And so from that day that I got that money for the subsequent 10 months, I um had the craziest like addiction and alcoholism filled just like haze, really. I mean, this like flurry of of craziness and chaos, and and um, you know, in a lot of ways, I was already like experiencing all those things, right? I'm like knee deep and steroid addictions and like uppers, and I'm drinking, binge drinking all of it, right? I was like doing all these things, but now I had all of this money, and I didn't have any. That I thought could tell me a fucking thing about it. And so I I don't know, I now had the means to like really push the envelope, really see how far I could take things with like zero uh financial limitations. And so I did, you know, and very quickly, like things go from bad to bad to worse to worse to worse. And um I'm buying massive quantities of alcohol initially, right? I'm like filling up this brand new $80,000 car that I just bought, filling up the trunk with like $600 worth of liquor, um, going to every party, loving the attention, like just just like basking in all the attention, um, not only from like being able to bring all this alcohol, but like also getting there, you know, taking a funnel and like downing a fit of Sarah. Um, and I just was in like the happiest place, so I thought, right, at the time. Um, and uh it didn't take long for like the consequences, the like very frequent consequences that had been part of my life um and and like a journey of mine for the last couple of years. Now they are happening constantly, you know, and it doesn't take very long for me to go and get my first DUI. And um and that happens, I'm like, alright, okay, whoa. Right? Like I uh time to take a breather, I'm gonna get sober. And that lasted, and I I said that to appease my parents, right? So that lasted like nine days. And um and then I decide to start selling drugs because uh I decided that um it might be in my excuse me, best interest to uh start making some of the money back that I've just been blowing and going to the bars and buying 300 top shelf shots and handing them out to random people and and getting attention and whatever. And so um start selling drugs. That goes from bad to worse. Um uh start selling a lot. And um you know, eventually, like uh we fast forward to 10 months after I've gotten after I initially got that money, um, the relationship with my parents, my my dad, and my stepmother, um, who I had always been so close to. I have effectively like run that relationship, not even into the ground. I mean, it was like past the point of of um I don't know, like being able to have to get any part of that relationship that I'd always known back. Um, and that was just like one of many, right? I'd I'd pretty effectively like Tasmanian deviled my way through every interpersonal relationship that I had. Girlfriends, cheating on, right? Like just just as soon as someone else looks at me, I like go over there. Um I am lying to everybody. Um best friends, like girlfriends, family members. I am um like clockwork 24-7, just crafting and like strategizing how to make my experience the best in any given moment, what I thought was the best. And uh it didn't matter who stood to lose because of because of like what I wanted. And I would use anything that I could um so long as I thought that like it would be best for me or more fun for me or whatever. And so it's 10 months after I've gotten the money. I have none of my close friendships um that I've had the last you know several years. I can't even speak to my parents um because they want nothing to do with me and are sure that that I will either go to jail or or end up dead, and and um uh which they had they had said even very prophetically, but um I I have nothing. I've I've run like all of um the people that cared about me, I've just completely like they are past their saturation point with good reason, you know. I um was terrible and just like kept on keeping on. Um and so there I am 10 months later, end up getting arrested, um, charged with a plethora of felonies, and it's like okay, now that is the first moment where time started to slow down a little bit because um not only am not only have I like taken away my ability to do whatever I want and live this totally careless life, but like now I'm facing um legitimate jail time and like I'm even questioning if if any of the things that always pictured myself doing in life um were even gonna be possible, right? If I was gonna have any future other than going to jail or something for 15 years. And so um I moved back in with my parents. I'm gonna try to speed this up a little bit, but I moved back in with my parents, um, I cut off all my like attention seeking, like heightened in friends. Um, and that was sort of the first step in in a little bit of change, you know, and um granted I had like legal repercussions that sort of tethered me to like not going out and partying because I'm like awaiting this whole court sentencing thing. And so I really just hung out with my parents and and started to mend that relationship and um try to figure out how to just keep my head above water. Not about getting sober. I just like wanted to know how I was gonna not go to jail. Um and uh you know, I do that for three months, I don't see anybody, and then um still, while I'm in the face of all this this legal trouble, I uh decide that you know what, like it's been three months, I deserve a night out. Um, I've been super good, and so I go out that night, get plastered drunk, drive my car, even against my like friend's wishes, and go out and get my second DY. You know, and and it was the next day with my my attorney that um I sat down and and I I had known this for about a year now, right? Like really known this, but I sat my my dad and my attorney down and it was like, so just so everybody is on the same page, like I am most certainly an alcoholic, right? Like, let's just get that, let's get let's get in front of that if everybody isn't already already aware, right? And it's like over that last couple of years, I remember having nights where I'm like crying on the floor at at four o'clock in the morning, calling my um uh my like birth mom who I had a shaky relationship with, but I call her four. Like, why the fuck can I not drink like a normal person? Like, why is it always like this? This like why, why, why, why, why? And so I knew, right? But like I finally got in front of it. Um uh one of the last times I drank that whole DUI situation, um, and then uh, you know, ended up things went well with the court stuff, and uh I was on probation, and and so that kind of kept me in line a bit. But um it was it was just a couple months after that, where this was one of the honestly, like one in one hundred times uh where I went out with some friends and like had a couple drinks, and probably because we just didn't have that much alcohol, but nothing bad happened. But like I knew at that point, right? Like I had already come to term, I had already come to terms with my alcoholism. I already had my parents sort of like pushing me towards AA. Um, and uh I went out that night, I drank, I felt fucking terrible about it, and honestly, I was just scared. I was like scared for my future. I was scared that I'd end up like my mom and live like a miserable uh life. I was scared for all those things. And so December 21st, 2014, my sobriety date. Um I uh I initially just like just to appease my parents, went to a couple AA meetings afterwards, which I remember going to as a kid, right? I'd been around AA in in some form or fashion just because of my parents my my whole life. But go to a couple meetings, decided isn't for me, um, end up going dry for eight months, um, not one meeting, and and sort of like I don't know, I'm still the same person that loved getting outside of myself, right? Like loved changing my realities, but now you know I'm just not drinking or using, and I have done zero introspection, um, and I haven't wanted to, and I sort of find myself in the depths of some pretty wild cross addictions. And specifically, this became uh binge eating for me, which I didn't even know was a thing. I mean, I've always had uh like a weird body conscious slash obsessive personality. I mean my mom has eating disorders, but a lot of people, my family have had eating disorders, I've had eating disorders at that point. They went the other way where I wasn't eating much, but now all of a sudden I found myself going on these like five-day binges that were completely synonymous with a Coke binge or like a drinking binge or whatever, where I was just going from bakery to bakery to ice cream shop to pizza place to bakery to bakery to bakery, and I was like gathering up massive amounts of food, and I would go, I would hide them in a humongous bag, take them up to my room at my parents' house, lie about where I had just been, and essentially lock a door, isolate, and just like live on that simulation. I mean, I was like literally like living through each bite of sugar, and just like that was my escape. And and that became quite quite the issue for me, so much so that I opened up about it. I'm like, Dad, what the fuck do I do? I need help, I need help. And he was like, You need to go to a meeting, uh, which I thought was stupid because it had nothing to do with drinking, but I followed his advice out of desperation. Um I did, I met my first sponsor, um, gave a weird little speech to him, asked him to speak, I mean, asked him to be my sponsor, and we like immediately dived into step work, right? And um my life from that point forward, like I uh I don't know, I'm I'm just I'm so happy that now, of course. I'm so happy that I was in such a dark, dark place because um that was my desperation. I because I had been somewhat far removed from like the immediacy of like drinking consequences. I'm like a year out now almost, you know. But um, I have this other thing that's just beating me down, beating me, beating me, beating me down. And um so I start running through the steps. I I do my fourth step. There was no like immediate magic moment, right? It was like very hard and weird. Uh, and the next day, though, I'm like sitting in class, and I'm sitting on like at the gym, and I remember just bursting out in tears. Um uh not necessarily knowing what for, but also kind of knowing, right? Like just all the stuff I just talked about over the course of my life at that point. And um, and I say this story, I I by no means do I think it is like necessary to have like a burst into tears moment with a fourth step, but for me it was very significant because um I hadn't cried in quite some time, and so I was now like unlocking that. Um and I had a great sponsor. Um I uh really was I was doing the work, you know. I was like outlining in my big book, I was reading it all the time. I'm like calling him for everything very neurotically, right? I mean, I I felt like I didn't really know how to live anymore. I was like just been born. I like don't know how to talk to people, I don't know what to think about things, I don't know how to do anything, but um I had uh people in this program that like helped bring me through all that, right? And um and it was just you know, it started to be this really amazing, amazing journey. And um I um was learning a lot. I was feeling I I felt very differently than I had felt um uh you know in those like 10 months of being dry and and not to be dramatic, but like also very differently than I had probably ever felt, right? I was like beginning to get taste uh tastes of um of like I don't know content and like um I'm not even gonna say serenity, but like I just started to feel what some like I don't know uh like self-confidence felt like and and some like a little bit of happiness without some crazy external, you know, like uh force. And and that was great. So I'm now like 18 months sober, things are going better than they've ever been. Um uh I'm so excited about the future, and like things were going so well that I did what would be the first time, and now like as I look back, that was six years ago. Um, the first time in um a struggle that I still have with with sobriety at times, right? But I um I'm at 18 months, things are going better than they ever have been, and I take my foot off the gas a little bit. Um, I like kind of start to feel like I got this. I um, you know, things have gotten so much better so quickly. Like, do I really need to be doing like all this same stuff? And this isn't even a cognitive thought process I have at the time. It was much more subliminal than that. But either way, slowly but surely, I stop calling my sponsor as much. I like stop feeling driven to go to as many meetings um that eventually it becomes like one a week to one every couple weeks. I'm like more open to finding excuses for why I can't go to meetings. Um I decide that I don't really need the same type of um authoritarian, might not be the right word, but like I didn't need to call my sponsor by every decision, which is, you know, like maybe true, and maybe that was like a genuine thing, but regardless, I was detaching from the program, and that went on for about another three months um to where eventually like my sponsor doesn't really know what the hell's going on with me. Um I still think everything's okay, but I'm now just under two years, I get off probation for good for good behavior, um, basically. And uh for me that meant that I was now no longer required to go take drug tests, and I kid you not, like although this was not even a um like specific intention of mine, I the next day went out and smoked weed and and I relapsed, right? It's most certainly a relapse for me. Um what I consider to be a relapse. And um, and you know, that was even something that I remember asking when I first got sober. It's like, hey, like what do we think about like doing like smoking some weed like this? And the people around me were like, I wouldn't wouldn't do that, you know. Um, and I thought what's interesting about this whole thing is that I thought that I put that to bed. Genuinely. I was like, okay, yeah, not doing that. Um, but apparently I did not, right? And so now I go out, I relapse, I don't tell a fucking soul, and continue to do so for about another month. Um and immediately, in this like growing thing, but immediately I am like I pressed play, like resumed from right where I left off. Um, but it was much darker now, right? Like, I would even go to Sponsor's house, do some bullshit, like, like just walk through the steps and and and go through the motions, and I'd go back out, sit in my car down the block from his house, and just like could not wait to go get high. Could not wait. And um, I'm lying to everybody. Um I'm miserable. And that went on. Um, I can only take that for about another month. Uh, but I was so filled with shame that I did not tell a soul in Alcoholics Anonymous for another six months after that. Um, and it was this, it I remember like just being with people at social things, and there'd be some people maybe that like I was just so terrified that someone outside of AA that I try to keep separate that knew I smoked weed for that month would come up and expose me, right? Or like mention something about it, um, and everybody would know. And so that just annuated me for far too long until eventually um like uh unbeknownst to me, like I had no really like plan of my own. I uh go to my sponsors, my that first sponsor's house and ended up coming clean, and um and that was sort of that, and uh maybe I spent a little bit too much time on that, but I only mentioned that just to uh both remind myself and and kind of talk about how um what can happen for me when I decide I don't need this program anymore. Um uh you know, and as I mentioned, it's like there have been times in in my sobriety where um things fuck most times of my sobriety I I am just like blown away at how um well things are going for me, especially because of like my past and and and for many of the reasons that I I I shouldn't have is what I think is as good as a life. Um but I get I've I if I get to a spot where I think that things are just so good and and when I let off the gas of AA um without fail for me things go to shit very, very quickly. Um and it was always daunting to me to like consider this program being something that I needed for the rest of my life, quote unquote. Um and uh you know, maybe maybe that's relatable, maybe it's not, but regardless, it's like as I've gone through um some time with this, that is something that I am no longer like scared of. Um, because for me it's like pretty simple. It's like when I am involved in AA and I'm I'm taking commitments and I'm I'm going to meetings and I'm like interacting with other alcoholics and like I don't know, like learning about myself and being introspective and like doing all this stuff, right? Working the steps, sponsoring people. My life is really great. Um, and like even taking any outside stuff away from that, the way I feel about myself and like the way that I'm able to look myself in the mirror is like genuinely good. Um and when I stop doing those things, when I like start deciding that it's too much work, too much time for AA, I start doing things and behaving in ways that like I find to be very, very shameful. And um uh it doesn't take long for me to revert right back into all out manipulation um to become consumed with like selfishness um to put myself above anybody and like ruin friendships. It's like it's not a far line uh to walk to get there. It's like really not. And so um yeah I don't know I just um feeling like this is maybe a good place to stop. I'm sure I might go back and and feel like I missed things um later but that's kind of just uh that's what I got for now. So um thank you for having me. I guess my name's Adam I'm an alcoholic um and uh yeah thank you.

SPEAKER_00 45:16

Thank you Adam will you touch a bit real quick on I'm not rushing you but just as part of your story uh about what your program looks like today and then I have a couple more questions after that.

SPEAKER_01 45:27

No sure absolutely what my program looks like today well specifically today is the 20th of December 2020 I um moved to a new city about two I moved to New York City about two years ago and was like very graciously introduced I had like basically two people that I knew from AA that lived here was not friends with introduced me to some people I've met my sponsor that first night and I've kind of been uh well I've been I've been with him ever since what the program looks like for me today is I call my sponsor weekly right despite quarantine despite like what this year has been I do step work um and I've done the steps you know several times and and there's always been new things for me I I have developed like very close friendships in AA that still like revolve around AA as a focal point and so I I only say that because it's like I have people that I talk to for hours at a time on a weekly sometimes daily basis and these people know me more intimately than like even a lot of my best friends would right or other people non-program people that I consider to be my my best friends and I I talk to people a lot um and that's something that I'm like very very very happy about I have commitments at at two meetings currently aspirationally I I I try to go to these these four meetings a week I usually make two or three always at least two and yeah I don't know I um I might just end it I might end it there.

SPEAKER_00 47:30

That's good that's good I appreciate that the uh it looks like you just had a birthday too so happy birthday that is that is correct thank you very much okay so is your birthday 2014 December 21st 16 no so 16 okay so I really appreciate as you were giving your story there was a lot of fun that was had around the um drugs and alcohol and I appreciated you telling us about crying on the floor and calling your mom and you know we can tend to have fun but when we're alone it gets worse and worse. At least that's how it was for me and it sounds like that's how it was for you as well. You also did a really good job of explaining the peace that the program brings us the peace with ourselves and the lack of shame. And I don't think you mentioned loving getting out of yourself. So what do you do today in the program to get that same feeling of freedom that you had when you would use substances to escape.

SPEAKER_01 48:57

Wow sure I mean so what I do today to like the thing I do today in the program and just in my life that I think most closely like represents that getting outside of myself thing is like first is of course like probably the cliche like help I'm not even gonna say cliche but like talk to other people right um most certainly showing up to like not just calling my friends or people in the program when I have problems but like because of the fact that I am able to do that also recognizing that that means that the other half the time I need to be a good friend and listener to those same people right or or any people really um and being a good friend is not some innate part of my personality it is like quite the opposite um and so uh we'll say that but what's interesting for like me in my life and in the program today is that um I can't help but feeling like there is this constant like it isn't as though I do certain things to uh we'll say like escape myself um today but it's what I would argue to be like much greater than that where when I'm plugged into the program and when I am like doing the things that have gotten me better right when I am like doing the things that I know that I need to do and talking that's talking to people and listening to people and like working the steps and going to meetings and like not letting excuses come in and bailing on commitments or like meetings or or doing little like podcast things like this. So when I am like doing all the things that helped get me to this like place of of happiness and like where I am right now in sobriety it's almost like I walk around and there is um uh like a peace and and and like liberation I'm able to access like all the fucking time and that isn't to say that like I don't have hard times and there aren't times where I feel um uh like intuitively disconnected sure right like that all happens but for the most part as I as as as I walk through life it feels like there is almost this well I keep saying it but like constant um constant um like peaceful stimulation that I'm able to access um and I I know or really believe um wholeheartedly that like that is because of the program because of the things that I continue to do to like pedal the bike of of sobriety that like I am now able to kind of like feel that metaphorical wind in in my face um uh even when I'm watching TV or like eating fucking ramen. So all that to say it's like I just um I feel very lucky that I can even talk about something like this but it's like it isn't for me now just a matter of like ah what can I do to like escape myself it's more that like oftentimes um I kind of just have that there and that is a blessing. Like I I truly believe that to be a blessing but it's when I start to think or wonder if I'm too busy for all my meetings or if I'm like too busy to pick up the phone um it's when I start to like backpedal on some of that stuff. Like that intuition and that like serenity and that peace um goes away very very very very quickly. So I hope that I hope that answers the question.

SPEAKER_00 53:40

It does. It's a great answer. What I hear you saying is the need to escape that that curiosity or that desire that that getting away from yourself is no longer needed when you do all these things that that obsession to escape is doesn't exist because you have the replaced it with something even better.

SPEAKER_01 54:04

Yeah it's it it definitely feels that way.

SPEAKER_00 54:06

Yeah absolutely final question for the alcoholic out there listening perhaps still suffering what do you have to say?

SPEAKER_01 54:21

I'd say that um if you're listening to this there's a fat chance uh you might be able to find some of the things that you might not even know. I guess this is me like talking to myself when I was at that point but my guess is that if if you're hearing this at all you might um stand the benefit from some of the things that you might not even know that that you can get from this program or that like um might not even know some of the ways that um AA could um be pretty life changing for you and and I just say that um regardless of whatever your circumstances are um that brought you here or like the things that you think about that um make you feel like you might not need this program or you don't belong here I will give the same advice that I was given um and it's to just stick around for a while um try to throw out doubt or or let me let me back foot on that try to suspend disbelief in some of this stuff um for just a while and open-mindedly uh impassionately kind of uh um sort through AA and if you are anything like me who was very skeptical of this program who felt like I was um that I didn't need it and then I was like too smart for advice from other people all of those like what now seem like very silly things um for me to think and believe like I was there um and luckily I found myself uh with some people that had been doing this much longer than I had who were very happy and who swore that this was how they got there and more specifically they did not used to be the way that I was seeing them then um and it's this program that helped them get there.

SPEAKER_00 56:56

And so um yeah I hope you stick around and um and figure it out for yourself for more information read the first 164 pages of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous or visit keepcoming back dot net