vol 44. Sobriety Date 3/21/1995 (Sandra)

Sandra shares her Experience, Strength and Hope with captivating storytelling of tragic experiences turned into serenity, hope and a beautiful life. By 16 years old, Sandra had lost her father, sister and mother, and without conscious awareness, carried the blame of their deaths on her shoulders as she entered life as an orphan. And it was alcohol that removed that heavy guilt. A “savage time” she describes it.

After what Sandra describes as a hallucination, surrender, and divine intervention, she finds her way to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, at only 28 years old—she hasn’t had a drink since.

Quotes
“Alcohol wasn’t going to let me go . . . my world became very small . . . there wasn’t an ounce of joy in my life.”

“This program works in all circumstances, no matter what comes or goes, you don’t have to pick up.”

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SPEAKER_00 0:01

We believe that alcoholism is a disease, and that Alcoholics Anonymous is one of the solutions to that disease. I'm here to bring you the voices of its members. Everyone that comes on the show, including myself, is an active member and has found recovery in the rooms of AA. As you listen, please take what works for you and leave the rest.

SPEAKER_01 0:43

My experience, um, once I started to drink, I couldn't stop. That was from the very beginning. There was a party in my mother's house back in, oh god, I'm really shown my age now. Oh, way back in the day. We'll just go way back in the day. And um, an aunt of mine had come over to support my mother. My father had passed about a year previous, maybe a year and a half, in very tragic circumstances. I'll talk about that in a minute because it um it shaped quite a lot of my decisions and a lot of my identity in in my drinking, strangely enough. But there was a party in the house, it was a very jovial, merry, relaxing event. There was nobody going overboard in any way, shape, or form. People were just singing, dancing, what you would like a party to be. And I got this idea into my head that I wanted to have a little bit of that merriment. And um, I went around collecting the glasses, and I do this in inverted commas, collecting the glasses to help clean up. You'll always find me in the kitchen at parties. That's that's kind of the song that that would uh I would sing. And instead of throwing the little dregs of the glass out down the drain, I poured them into a glass and I drank them. I have no idea what concoction was in that. There was beer, there was spirits, there was cider, there was God only knows what kind of a concoction was in there. Needless to say, I got very drunk. I vomited a lot, I had a blackout, and I lied to my mother. And she said to me, Have you been drinking? And I said, No. And if you can imagine the scene of being this, you know, 12-year-old girl on the kitchen chair, half sliding off it, trying to look cool and together, and I lying to my mother straight away. No, no. So that was my first drink. I woke up the next morning after a horrendous night. I eventually got to bed, which the bed spun, the room spun, there was more vomiting, there was more, you know, all of the unsavoury stuff that that drink brings when you overdo it. And I came down the stairs to get some some water. And um I spotted some cans of beer on the countertop in the kitchen, and I opened one and I drank it. Knowing it was it was beer. I didn't think it was anything else. I knew it was alcohol and I drank it. And um it didn't feel great at first. It you know, it had a uh there was quite a horrible, kind of wretched feeling to it, but but I kept drinking and I had that one can. I only had the one can and I kind of felt normal. I kind of felt oh, a little bit more stable than I was coming down. I wasn't as shaky and I wasn't I wasn't as uh as wobbly, and my vision definitely cleared up, strangely enough. Now, I don't know where that came from. I never seen that in my home. There was no there was no alcoholism in my family, in well, it was in the family, but it wasn't in the home. And I never seen people drinking in the home except when there was a visit from an aunt or an uncle or some sort of family event where the decanter of brandy that was in the glass case for God knows how long was brought out, and they had this tiny little drop of brandy in some glass, and and that was it. So that was the only time I was aware of alcohol being in the house, and the context was there was a visit, you know. So there was no regular drinking, there was no there was no chaos to the drinking. But this is where I come to how my father died, because uh by at the age 10, I was nearly 11, my father was diagnosed with schizophrenia way back, way, way, way back in the 70s. And he had a very um, I don't know quite how to describe it, but he had a very violent brand of schizophrenia, if that's the correct way to put it, but he was very violent towards himself. He would attempt to take his own life many, many, many times in a very violent way. And here we are on March the 2nd, 1977. And my father was in the house, my mother had gone into hospital because she couldn't cope with him when he when he was out. There was a lot of disruption and a lot of uncertainty and a lot of everything, really. And I'm going out to school and I'm 10, almost 11. Um, I know that's very important when you're when you're young, you can't just be 10, you have to be nearly 11, you know. But um he bent down to give me a kiss going out to school, and he'd been eating toast, and there was butter on the toast, and I don't like butter. And he gave me a kiss going out the door, and I immediately went with the back of my hand across my mouth. That's disgusting. I hate you. And off I went to school, bemoaning the fact that this butter, or I could taste this butter and it was going to poison me and all this sort of stuff, you know, very dramatic. So that afternoon I got called out of the classroom by a neighbor, um, a friend of my sister, and um, which was very unusual. I was like, oh, that's that's very unusual. And then I was whipped up to the it was a convent school I went to. I whipped up to the the big house where the the convent, the nuns lived, and I was put into this big room with a huge mahogany, dark mahogany table, and all the panelling on the wall was this dark mahogany. It was a quite scary place, all these big religious, scary pictures looking down on me, you know, and I'm this little 10-year-old sitting on this big chair, and our legs didn't reach the ground, you know. And then the priest came along and he broke the news to me that my father had died. Never said how, just said there'd been an accident and my father had died. So I toddled along with the priest. I knew him. He was he was a lovely priest, he was all part of the youth club and he was very popular. And I toddled along with him with my school bag, and off I went back home. And instead of actually going into the house, he brought me to my neighbour, which was directly next door. And there my brother was, uh, who was about four years older than me, and um, he was his arms in a sling, and I said, What happened to you? And he said, Nothing. He literally said nothing. So I have this visual of this person injured in a sling and then telling me nothing had happened. So this was to set a series of denials, maybe coping mechanisms, probably is a better way to describe it of how my family dealt with my father's death. So what had happened was there was some episode in the house. My father had heard something in his mind, some episode he had, some psychotic episode. Um, he attacked both my brother and my sister. My brother survived, and my sister didn't. My sister died of her injuries, even though there was a huge operation done to uh save her life. There were serious injuries to her head, and um there was no saving her, unfortunately. And then my father then took his own life in the bathroom with a with a knife to his his wrists and his throat. And this was to set in motion a whole series of disconnections within family relationships, fear, um, and coping mechanisms that didn't actually help me, you know. Um, learning how to cope with this and learning how to articulate this took a long, long time. I didn't know, I didn't know what happened. Nobody told me. I asked what happened, and I was told, oh, this huge tragedy happened. And that's how it was referred to. It was referred to as a tragedy. And so here I am, this child left with this gaps, all these gaps. And so I did what any other child did. I filled those gaps in with my own interpretation, and what came to me immediately was all of this happened was because I wiped away my father's kiss. That's all my fault. And I carried that, I carried that thought with me, even though I didn't it it it wasn't a conscious thing, it wasn't in the front of my mind, but I felt it, I felt responsible, I felt that was my responsibility, and I felt the guilt. So when that drink was was in me, and however bad it made me feel, the benefit, and I say that word loosely, but the benefit I got from that drink was I didn't feel that guilt anymore. And I wanted more of not feeling that guilt. So that's how I coped. And once I started, I couldn't stop. So that was around the Christmas time, but by March, and I I know it was March because my sister's birthday is in March. By March, I was babysitting regularly for my sister, who had a child at this time, so I was earning some money every every week, some pocket money. But that pocket money was counted in how many bottles of cider could I buy, how many glasses of ale could I buy. And that's how I, at that age, I was counting how much alcohol I could buy for the money that I had. And and that didn't that didn't change. That's that's how I counted money. I counted money in how much alcohol it could buy me. And we used to go roller skating, and there was a pub across the way in the street on the main street, and we were served. There were four of us that went in, and it was this, I suppose, exploratory thing that teenagers do. It's like, let's see if we get away with this, and we did. We did get away with it, we did get served, and I was the one that went up to the counter to buy the four glasses of ale at 12, like nuts, absolutely nuts. So it was shortly after that, then um, that became a very regular occurrence, and it wasn't too long afterwards, then I was going into school with hangovers. I was a pretty moderate student, you know. I could do well if I if I put my effort into it, you know, but I always got by, you know, I never fully failed anything, but there was always the comment of she could do better if she applied herself, you know. And but then the schoolwork started to deteriorate, you know, um, where to a point where it was, I just got by all the time. I was smoking around in this the bike shed uh at lunchtime, I had little bottles of alcohol in my school bag, and there was a sense of um, and I I don't say this with blame, I just I say this to help understand the context. There was a sense of, but so what else could she do after what happened in the family? You know, like it was almost like, well, this is what you do to cope. So it was affirmed, you know, by by it not being challenged, it was affirmed that this is this is what you do. So I left school at 15, I was an early school leaver, and I went to work, I got a job, um, like a proper grown-up job in its own factory. And um my mother then died when I was 16. And I remember I we shared a bed at that time, the house rearranged, if you like, after my father died, and um I shared a room with my mother. We shared a bed also, and my brother he had the back bedroom, and then my other siblings were married and out of the home. And this day I was 16, it was July, and I woke up and my mother was dead. And I'd had a row with my mother the night before over making the bed. Rather, I didn't make the bed, and we had a row over me not making the bed. And I had this other layer of guilt, another layer of responsibility that that row I had with her was what killed her. Again, I wouldn't have been able to articulate that at the time. It's only it's only looking back I'm able to understand that. But once I realized that she was she was actually gone, I my mind immediately, immediately my mind went, I don't have to hide the drink anymore now. Immediately that's where my mind went to. And that was that was a stark realization when I looked back, and it's only when I looked back on this that I understood really at that point, alcoholism had a hold of me that it wasn't going to let me go. Um so I hadn't, I hadn't hadn't gone anywhere in life. I mean, I was 16, so I'm still finding my way in the world. I think I'm all grown up and all, you know, the bee's knees because I'm 16 and I have a job and I have a weekly wage and that sort of stuff. But um, but underneath it all, I was this really, really, really scared young child who who just wanted to not suffer, you know. But at that time there was no support, there was no, there was no, we weren't offered any kind of counselling or support after my father died. After my mother died, there was nothing. And you know, it was off the time, and I I hope it's different now, but basically it was just you just got on with it, you know, that's that's what you did. So my way of getting on with it was I I drank more, I had more opportunity now to drink, I had more money coming in to drink, and I found myself in a very, very, very grown-up world. I met somebody when I was 19. At this point now, I was drinking in the house alone. My friends were, they'd all kind of partnered off with boyfriends and that sort of stuff, and I I wasn't because I was too busy drinking and too busy fighting people off. You know, anybody showed any sign of interest in me, you know. I I had to I had to show the worst side of me so that they wouldn't want me. And I again I wouldn't have known that that's what I was doing, but on reflection, I see that clearly. So I drank on my own, very solitary on my own at 16, 17, 18. I met somebody who lived up the road for me, and uh he asked me out, and he was much older than me, and I I went out for a drink with him. And that relationship was to last 10 years, all centered around alcohol. And it got to a point, and I'm able to laugh at this now because it's it's um it's not uh it's not a heroin kind of a thing to me anymore, but eventually we got to a point after a number of years, we got to a point where it was so so bad, it was the relationship was so bad that we only spoke on two days of the week. And that was when I got paid, and when he got paid, you know. So when I I got paid for, so I would feel guilty for having a route with him, and I'd say, Oh, come on here for a drink, can we sort this out? And then he would feel guilty when he got paid, and he'd say, Oh, come on here for a drink, can we sort this out? And that was our patron, you know, that was our that was our relationship. We never went to the cinema, we never went to a restaurant for a meal, we never went out for walks, we never had people over to the house for dinner or anything like that. There was none of that social stuff. Literally, if we weren't in the pub, we were in my house or his house. And that was the extent of our of our life. And it my world became very small at that point. I literally stayed only in the location that I was I was living in, and um the pub literally was at the back of my house, so I had like a two, three-minute walk around the corner to the pub. Um, but after that, that that didn't last too long because we fell out so long or so often throughout all the week, I reverted back to buying the drink in the in the off license and then just going up to the field and and drinking, you know. Um it's I didn't I didn't even feel good enough to be in the pub. It was almost like you know, the pub wasn't was too good for me, you know, and this this field drinking and buying stuff in the off license and and just going somewhere and hiding. And and that was a big part of my drinking there in my early 20s. So in comparison to my friends who were meeting um partners, they were buying clothes for themselves, they were buying makeup, they were buying magazines, you know, they were doing all of the stuff that I suppose a lot of young women would do at that point. They had an interest in themselves, they wanted to look well. I mightn't have washed myself in a week, and I certainly didn't eat properly. And I used to wear this anorak. I uh somebody gave me this anorak, I I was leaving their house and it was raining, and they gave me this anorak. And um that anorak never seen a washing machine for years. In fact, I when I stopped drinking and I threw it out, I I don't think I ever washed it. So, so that's where alcoholism brought me. It brought me to a point where I couldn't even do the basics, I couldn't even wash my hands and my face, I couldn't even have a breakfast, I couldn't eat when I was drinking. And I certainly didn't have a social life, and I certainly didn't have that support network that you would see groups of friends having for each other, you know. Um, it was a very lonely, very dark, very isolated place. And if if I was to say one sentence about that time in my life with drinking the way that I was drinking, there wasn't an ounce of joy in my life. There was nothing to look forward to. Nothing. There was no parties, I was invited to two weddings. Uh, one, I made an absolute holy show of myself, and one I actually managed to behave myself. Um, and that was really, really difficult. But but that was it. There was no invitations to parties. I was too much of a I was too much of a risk to be invited to a party. I would either not turn up because I was too drunk, or I would turn up drunk and cause mayhem. So I didn't get that that connection with my peers in that way because of my drinking. Um and literally that's all that's all that I thought about. There was no, there was no no one's birthday that was made me go, oh, I better stop drinking to get such a body of present or card or Christmases came and went without any of the the normal stuff that you would do at Christmas in terms of engaging with people, or all just was drink. What when are the pubs closed? In Ireland we would have had um, like Good Friday, the pubs would close. There'd be a panic, you'd be having panic attacks thinking about the pub being closed. Even though I wasn't drinking in pubs, that the idea that the pub wasn't open was enough to set me into a panic attack. Um, Christmas Day, the pubs wouldn't open. Again, there'd be this panic about it, and Stevens' Day, as we call her over here, which is the day after Christmas Day, there'd be a limited opening, and there was always this panic that the the pub wasn't as available as it used to be. So That's when I look back on that and understand that madness about why I would panic over something I didn't even use, but I did, because that's how my mind worked. My mind worked in that any suggestion that drink was going to be taken away from me was just enough to send me sideways. You know, I couldn't, I just couldn't cope with the thoughts of it. And then I have all of this, the fear that I had and and really tried to keep at bay was what if I end up with a mental illness? What if I end up like my father? What if I get angry enough? And all of this stuff then started to surface when I was drinking. And when I had several episodes of the DTs, and they were horrendous, absolutely horrendous. And I I don't know what happened one night, but somebody dropped me off at AE, and I only know that I was in AE because I came around in AE, and I it oh and all I could the nurse just kept saying to me, but you're so young, you're so young, you're so young, you know. And she was right, I was 22. So there was just a really compelling darkness that drew me deeper and deeper and deeper into it. I didn't see the broken relationships, I didn't see that I didn't have a group of friends, like my friends had each other. I didn't see that I didn't have that, I didn't see that I didn't have connections with my family, I didn't see any of that because it just it just was too much, just far too much. So my last drink, and and I I go to my last drink because for those eight or nine years where it was really, really dark, the repetition of my day was was such it was such a dark place that there was there was nothing that was different in any of the days. You know, there was no there was an odd episode here and there of of where somebody might say to me, God Sandra, now would you not think about giving up that I would drink like you know, you're a grand girl without it, you know? And and I I again I'd immediately feel that panic in my chest to to go, oh Jesus, like you know, um, but other than that, it it it was dark, it was dark and it was loads of nothingness and no hope and no joy. So towards the end, and I was 28 when I stopped drinking, almost 29, here I am again with the almost 29, never leaves you that age thing. Um, I had been on a bender. I had my Sunday before my sister had a lovely workshop in her house of lovely holistic therapies, and I hate anybody touching my feet. But the the guy who was running the workshop, he was training to be a reflexologist, and he said, I'll do your feet, I'll I'll make sure I not tickle you, and I hate my feet being tickled. So he did my feet, and it was it was grand, it was just about bearable, but I got through it, and we went out after that over to the pub across the way, and we'd be lots to drink. Um, and then we went back to a friend's house, and the only thing they had in the house was whiskey, and so Sandra proceeded to demolish most of the bottle of whiskey, even though that wouldn't have been my tipple. I didn't care. I drank if what I preferred wasn't available, I drank what was available, um, and the whiskey was available. And like my very first drink, I got very sick. I was I vomited so much it wasn't even funny. I had a blackout, I the bed was spinning, all of the things that happened when I was uh my first drink happened on this one, and I woke up the next morning in such an awful state. It I actually felt like I wasn't in my body, and I I hallucinated that my sister, my dead sister, who had died back in 1977. I hallucinated that she was in the corner and telling me she said something to me, don't go out, or something like that. And I got such a fright, I hopped up out of the bed, I grabbed my nephew who was like, What the hell's going on? I was like, Come with me, because I was afraid to go on the bus. I had to go somewhere and I had to get on the bus. And I sat on that bus dying, like literally dying on that bus. I uh did what I had to do, and I said to him, Come on, you just go in here for a few minutes before we go home. It was half past 10 in the morning, and I'm bringing that child, he was 14, bringing that child into a pub. And in Ireland, you could have children in pubs up to six o'clock at the time, and then they had to go. And so I brought him in and proceeded to start drinking, filled him full of soft drinks and crisps and fries and whatever. Um, and then somewhere along the line during that day, time just seemed to, it just took on a different, um, different feel. Um, I decided I would go to the pub down the road. Don't ask me why, because I never wanted to go down to the pub down the road, but this day I did. I sent that child home on two buses back to where he lived, and that was about a 45-minute journey for both of those buses, so easily an hour and a half, and however long he had to wait on the second bus. And I gave him just enough bus fare to get him home, literally, just enough bus fare to get him home. And it was March, it was dark, it was cold. I thought it was 10 o'clock at night, and luckily enough for me, it was six o'clock in the evening. It was still dark and it was still cold. But I went down to the next pub, sent him home, and as I sat in the pub, they didn't sell the bottles of stuff that I drank, so I got it in a pint glass, and I didn't like drinking out of a pint glass. I had standards after all, you know. I might I might be drinking in fields, but I had standards, you know, just delusions of grandeur. And um, I poured the pint glass into a half pint glass, and for the first time in my life, I seen the empty part of that pint glass, and there was a moment, and I mean a moment, where I fully acknowledged this is not working anymore, and it was one of those moments, even though I was absolutely ossified drunk, I could never forget, and it had such a profound impact on me. I believe it was divine intervention. I reached out to a chap that was just at the bar down a little bit from me, and I said, Joe, would you do us a favour? Would you walk up the road with me? I'm a little bit nervous. And he said, Yeah, sure. And he walked up the road with me. And I got to the house uh that I lived in and I went in. Hadn't been in the house for a number of weeks. I had left due to a circumstance and I'd gone to live with my sister. And um when I woke up the next morning, that moment was still with me. That moment of clarity of this is not working anymore was still with me. And I screamed up at God. I don't know if I actually said it out loud or if I internally said it, whichever way it was very loud anyway. And I screamed up and I went, I can't do this anymore. Help me. And I reached over and I to where my coat was, my jacket was, um, and I had five euros left in my jacket out of the money, all the money I had the day before was gone and drink. I got on the bus back to whore, again, absolutely dying, sitting on the bus, trying not to get sick, trying to just hold it together, didn't have enough money to buy a bottle of water and to get the bus back to whore. When I got to her house, she opened the door and she had a look on her face, and I just knew I well, I just knew this is it, you know. And she said to me, I hope you're here to pack your bags. And as much as I had prayed, as much as I had wanted help, as much as I still had that moment of clarity in me, I said to her, Yeah, I am. The pride, the pride just overtook every every common sense in me. And she gave me a roll of little bin liner bags, tiny little white bin liner bags that you could fit maybe one jumper in or something. It was a tiny waste paper bin bag. And as I was packing those bags, like angrily, I was really angry that she had said that. How dare she say that to me? Even though I had put her child at risk, sent that child home in two buses in the dark in the cold. And she came in and she said to me, Do you want a cup of tea before you go? And those words, before you go, they sounded like a bell in a church steeple. They were so loud, it just hurt my head to hear them. And I don't know what happened. God overtook me. I can only say that this is what happened because I wanted to say, shove your cup of tea where the sun don't shine. But what came out of my mouth was, yes, please. And she took me by the hand and she brought me into the kitchen. And I sat down and she gave me the tea, and she sat down, and the look on her face, oh my god, I'll never forget the look on her face, just that pained look of being broken. And something in me broke that the pride in me snapped a little bit, you know. And I said, Mary, I know now what you're talking about when you're asking me to stop drinking. I I know once now once I start, I can't stop. And she broke down and I broke down, and it just there was a relief to it, but there was also a sense of what do I do now? So Mary had, and I call Mary my fairy godmother, she like my very special sister, and uh from the time I was a baby. So we had a wonderful bond, and I believed that God used that bond to reach me. And she called somebody who she knew was in the fellowship. That person came, 12-step me, made another phone call to somebody else, and I got picked up and I was brought to a meeting. And that was on the 21st of March 1995. Thanks be to God, the day or a time. I haven't needed or wanted to pick up a drink since then. Has life been perfect since then? Absolutely not. Um, life has happened. Life that I didn't have when I was drinking happened when I got sober. So when I came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, and that would be my main fellowship, although I since discovered I have other issues, but I'll talk about them in a second. I heard about people losing their families, losing their jobs, losing their homes, losing uh relationships, money, everything. And for some time I thought, that's not me. That's I didn't lose any of that. I didn't know that's that's if that's what this is about, then then I'm not an alcoholic because I didn't lose any of that. And it was only in a conversation with a with a sponsor who a woman who became my sponsor when we when I kind of talked her through my drinking and and that sort of stuff, and I was giving her this very informed. You know, listen, I've listened to these people, and you know, they've said this and this and this, and I none of that happened to me, so I mustn't be alcoholic. And she said, Sandra, it's very hard to get a job when you're drinking in a field, it's very hard to have a healthy relationship when you're drinking in a field, and how could you possibly have a car or any of that sort of stuff when you're drinking in a field? So you never got those things because your drinking brought you down to the gutter immediately, and I will never forget that feeling of oh my god, like that first realization of drink actually, alcoholism actually prevented me from even even getting the basics. So like it was it was a stark realization, but it's actually very it's very useful to me because I cannot deny that it was because of drinking, because of alcoholism, that that's how my life was up until I was 28. You know, there was no no real development, no growth, no, no life. There was no substance to my life really at all, you know. Um that woman was to be my sponsor for a long number of years until she passed, and and we developed a fantastic relationship, and she, you know, she loved to be able to have uh frank conversations with me, which which I really appreciated now, but at the time it was a little bit, oh, I think you're going a bit deep there now, Janet, you know. But it was in the building of a good, healthy relationship and with another woman that I was able to kind of look at Sandra. I was able to look at how Sandra was in that savage time. It was, I really it's the only word I can use to describe what that time in my life was. It was savage, you know. Um, and in building those relationships with her allowed me to step into a place where walking a program, looking at the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and looking at them in depth and seeing what it is that I need to do to grow as a sober person, was it was just a joy to be able to have somebody like her around. You know, it was crucial, that support was crucial. So while I got the identification from other alcoholics in the room around the hopelessness, the powerlessness, once you start, you can't stop. I I got all of that. It was in that connection with other people, probably for the first time in my life, really, that real connection with other people that allowed me to take those steps and integrate them and understand what it was I needed to do on a daily basis, you know. So life happened since 1995. There's a lot of days under the under or a lot of water under the bridge and a lot of days off the calendar, but life has happened. There's been there's been dirt, births, deaths, and marriages, none of them mine, thankfully. You know, thankfully I'm still here, I wouldn't be talking to you. But there's been events in life, there's been difficulties, there's been challenges, there's been achievements, there's been all of those things in life that are just normal life. It has nothing to do with the fact that I'm alcoholic or not. It's just life. There's been cars breaking down, there's been repairs that need to be done to the house. I have a house, I have my own house. I have a car in the driveway. It's an old car, but it's a car. Um, and and I have friends, I have rock solid friendships in my life. And they're not all fellowship people, you know. Um, I have a job that I love, I absolutely love the job that I have. And I was able to explore so many different areas of life, test waters in different areas of careers and and give them a go fearlessly, because that's what we do when we get sober. We're able to test things. I did anyway. Um, and life has happened, and there's been there's been a lot a lot of change. There's been a lot of in-depth work, you know, being sober allowed me to look at the other issues in my life. So my first fourth step was very much living in the the relief of of writing it out as it as it is laid out in the big book, and then sharing that with a with with my sponsor. And that sense of somebody heard my story and didn't run away, you know, that was that was huge for me. That they sat there, they witnessed my story and they didn't run away, and that was just so powerful. And each time I've done a level of investigation, a level of inventory, to be able to connect with another person and to share that with somebody else is so powerful, you know. Real the healing that comes from that is amazing, but it has also helped me to look at other areas in my life. So uh, because I, as a very young child, I never learned how to handle money. Um, and I struggle with managing money well, you know, and at one point in my life I I accrued a massive amount of debt purely out of mismanaging money. Wasn't that I was doing anything with it, but I was purely mismanaging money, doing stupid things like you know, putting petrol in the car on a credit card and then paying the minimum, not paying the whole lot off. Not because I couldn't afford it, but because in my mind, I only need to pay the minimum and accrued a huge amount of debt uh in that. So I had to look at my financial sobriety, had to look at that in a in a very detailed way, and I continue to work on that. Relationships, I had to look at how I was in relationships. What are my expectations? You know, what are my rigid rules about what other people should do? I didn't even know I had these, you know, and it's only in relationship with other people that I get to understand what it is that's unhealthy about my expectations. So that had to had to be looked at, my codependency that had to be looked at. Um, over-the-counter medication became an issue for me that I didn't even realize it was an issue. I took a lot of painkillers, not because I had a headache, but because I was taking so many painkillers that the the brain was like enough, enough already. And I had to look at my my attitude towards you know, putting chemicals into my body in that way, you know. Um and and understanding that that was a way of me to numb out. I didn't I didn't understand that that's that's what it was. I was numbing out, and um so there was other areas in my life that I needed to get sober in, you know. Um, and being on a program and being a part of a 12-step program in particular gives me the tools to do that. Otherwise, I'd be in denial completely, or I'd be flapping around in the dark, not knowing what was wrong with me, you know, um, and maybe possibly being so unable to manage that you've no choice but to your mind just can't take this, and God only knows what would have happened if I if I had to stay there. So, so there was loads of other recoveries, really, is what I'm saying in that part. Um, being sober allowed me to go into those areas. So, more recently and last year with COVID, COVID still being with us, last March, actually, when the rooms were looking at being closed, um I think we shut down here in Ireland on the 12th of March 2020, and I just knew it was only a matter of time before the rooms themselves would close, you know. Um, so I was connected to a community on Twitter, and I I literally heard this voice in my head on the 17th of March. I kid you not, it was the 17th of March, Paddy's Day, our national holiday, St. Patrick's Day. Um open a room, open a Zoom room. And so I did, thinking it was for two weeks up until the 29th of March. That was our first lockdown period of two weeks. And uh, and here we are a year later. So recovery hour is going to be won on the the 18th of March, so we've celebrations uh prepared for that, and that has that has been a wonderful way to give service when you can't give service face to face. So we ran it seven days a week. Uh, initially I was host for all of them, and then other people stepped up to volunteer, and uh, and it's still going, those three of those hosts are still volunteering nearly a year down the road, and it they're all-inclusive recovery meetings, so where we talk about whatever is going on for the person, so they might have a gambling issue or a drug issue, it doesn't have to be just alcohol, and we learn so much from each other, you know. I realized, uh, and this was a huge revelation to me, and I'm 25 years sober, and I realize this at one point I was doing the lotto in the bookies. I was in a syndicate of work and uh in a job that I was in, and I realized that I was effectively spending the equivalent of a mortgage a week on the lotto in the bookies. And that sounds like it's a huge problem. And oh my god, like your finances must have been shot. They weren't because I was winning. And and I had to I remember one of the lads talking, and this moment again, this moment of clarity came to me to say, just because you're winning doesn't mean that you you don't have a problem. This was a few years ago. I remember being there with that slip in my hand, going up to the counter, going, I'm actually chasing money here. I'm chasing money here. I don't trust I'll be looked after. And and that's I stopped it then. It was like, I can't, I I can't keep doing this. This is nuts. This is this is like alcoholically chasing something. But when one of these lads was sharing, I realized that just because something isn't causing a problem in the traditional way, doesn't mean it's not a problem. Who hands over a mortgage a week to a gambl to a gambling industry? Like who does that? Only somebody who has a problem. So I I had to address that and I had to take that on board and understand you know what that was all about. So when I didn't have much of that going on when I was drinking, purely because I had limited amount of money and limited access to kind of get money in nefarious ways as a teenager. Um it, you know, it just the opportunities didn't present themselves, but they presented themselves in sobriety. And I had to deal with that. And thank God I had a 12-star program to to work on those issues. Otherwise, yeah, I I don't know how I would have handled that, but I but anyway, it didn't come, it didn't come that way for me. So really that that's that's all I have to say, really, on my experience. And my strength and my hope is my strength comes from knowing I have a 12-step programme, knowing I have a community who know me, they actually know me because I've let them know me. I've let them in. I have those healthy relationships in my life now, I have manageable finances in my life now, I live within my means now. I I'm very careful about relationships, still very careful about relationships. I I want to make sure that whatever I'm bringing to a relationship, I continue to bring, and that I mind my codependency elements and I look after that quite well. And and then if there's any, if I need to have medication, it has to come from a doctor, you know. I can't be doing this over-the-counter stuff and self-medicating. So so all of those things are very much managed in my life today, thankfully, and and have a job that I love and uh who then and it challenges me, it really challenges me and brings out the best of me and brings out the creativity in me, which I which I absolutely love. And my hope is this program works under all conditions. I've been in the fire, I was two years sober. I was in a car crash on a, I'm sorry, I was I was mugged on a Wednesday, the following Saturday I was in a car crash going to a meeting with another member, and the following week my flat went on fire with me in it at five o'clock in the morning, and I didn't pick up a drink. My I had a relationship, I was three years sober thereabouts, and that person died in very tragic circumstances, and I didn't need to pick up a drink. So that that's the message that I have. No matter what comes or goes, you don't have to pick up a drink. You will get through this. I got through it, and the power of this program is it works under all conditions. I've had opportunity to travel in recovery, and I've been to some places where there were no meetings, and the program, the program works, you know. I have a wonderful relationship with my higher power. It usually starts off with, hey God, come here, you know, that thing I was talking to you about the other day. Well, wait till I tell you, you know, it's more like talking to a friend, you know. Um, I do have some kind of rituals that I do or kind of more formal prayers that I do as well, but mostly it's a conversation, you know, it's a relaxed conversation, and I'm very happy about that, you know. That that that brings me some joy. And uh, and if there's anybody struggling out there, this program works. The people in the fellowships, wherever fellowship you're in, have been through hell and have come out the other side, and they will walk with you, they will walk with you while you're struggling. Doesn't take the struggle away, it doesn't take the pain away, but they will walk with you in that struggle, and that is the most powerful thing one human being can do for another human being is to be with them while they're there, knowing that as a friend of mine, I'll give you an example. A friend of mine that used to say to me, Sandra, just let it let it out, let it out. And I'd say, No, no, no, I'm afraid bits of me will fall off, and I won't, you know, I I'll be less than what I was when I started. And she'd say, Listen, if anything falls off, I'll see where it goes, and then I'll go and get it and bring it back to you, you know. So it was wonderful, wonderful to know that somebody would be there and understand what was going on. We have a shared language in our in our recovery communities, and that's very powerful. That's very, very, very powerful. So please keep coming back. It absolutely works if you work it. We're here, we've been there, and we want to help you to be there too for somebody else. So thank you very much.

SPEAKER_00 50:00

Thank you, Sandra. What a life you've had. I was captivated the entire time. Oh, I think they should make a movie out of your life. Oh my god. Um, I mean, that's funny and sad, right? It's just it's that it's tragic. It's so tragic, but there's so much hope and growth. Still 20 happy birthday, by the way. Hi birthday. Thank you. Um, I you know, I I have no questions that I think would add value. What I'd like is for you to tell us for a few moments or however long it takes about recovery hour.

SPEAKER_01 50:40

Yeah, so as I said there, recovery hour was the the inspiration way back in COVID, the first lockdown we had. And because I was connected to a community on Twitter of all um all kinds of addictions, we were talking openly about being in recovery. And I'm quite vocal and visible about being in recovery. It's uh I mind my anonymity in terms of understanding I'm not making myself a poster child for any fellowship, but I do talk about being a person in long-term recovery, you know. And um, because one of the things I I probably didn't say in the share was I was hearing another woman in one of my very first meetings saying that she was 20 years sober. I had never known anybody who stayed sober that long, and that was I was like, oh my god, you can stay sober that long. That's amazing. So we were talking about being in recovery, supporting each other. Somebody might have a challenge or a question or that kind of thing, and we were kind of rowing in digitally to support each other. So it was with that community in mind was to bring them into a Zoom room because up to that point we were just talking on Twitter. And I had set up recovery hour to be a Twitter chat. If people are familiar with Twitter chats, it's an hour on a particular topic. And we had one week of a Twitter chat and then COVID hit. So I opened up the Zoom room and we were there seven nights a week, and it is all-inclusive recovery uh that we cater to. So people can talk about their food addictions, their gambling addictions, relationships, they can talk about whatever it is that is an issue for them, and the only requirement is that people identify as being in recovery, you know. So um, so it's open to one and all. And sometimes I bring in like tomorrow is uh International Women's Day. So I have a mother and daughter coming in to talk about their recovery. They've quite a unique story, and I have um uh Twitter expert Samantha Kelly, she's coming in, she's also in recovery, who is also open and vocal about being in recovery herself. So we would do specials to help people understand that life is more than going to meetings. You know, you can actually have a life. Like some people have written um books, some people have done blogs, some people have set up courses, uh, some people have businesses that they would never have if they weren't in recovery. And it's about highlighting that to people that you actually can have a life. Your program and your meetings help you to build that life. And I really want people to know that, you know. So recovery hour is an hour every day where we have a meeting that's like a fellowship meeting, some of the meetings. There's a newcomers meeting on a Friday, there's a topic meeting, which is now a step meeting. We drill down into the steps on a Monday. I do personal development groups where we kind of have a deeper dive into work that people need to do. We have a women's meeting on a Wednesday and an LGBTQ meeting on a Thursday. And then Saturday and Sunday are workshops that I do with people on a on a different topic. So it's it's that layer, that deeper layer that that people want to talk about in their recovery that we wouldn't necessarily get to do in a meeting, if you know what I mean. So we provide both, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 54:16

That sounds wonderful.

SPEAKER_01 54:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 54:18

What a wonderful outcome with COVID.

SPEAKER_01 54:21

Yes, exactly. And gifts like the the people that you meet, the people that we've got to know, the connections that we've made. Um, it's one of those things where you'd go, absolutely, without COVID, we wouldn't be having these conversations. So it's it's very much about seeing the gift in what is a very challenging and difficult situation. And as I said in my share, when the drink that I preferred wasn't available, I took what was available. And that was my approach to Zoom face-to-face meetings and unavailable. What's the next best thing? Let's get on Zoom, you know, and just connect with people in that way. And it served me well, thankfully. Thankfully, that attitude has served me very well.

SPEAKER_00 55:06

For more information, read the first 164 pages of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous or visit keepcoming back.net