vol 48. Sobriety Date 9/29/1996 (Heather)

Heather shares her Experience, Strength and Hope which she describes as a Jerry Springer episode. If you’re interested in knowing how a life of complete drama, partying, pain, drugs and alcohol can turn into freedom, peace and serenity, this is the story for you.

Heather grew up in the 70’s in a big party family, the youngest of 5 with her 1st drunk at only 2 years old. It didn’t take long before she was into cutting, cough syrup and anything else that would help her feel ok in her own skin. This eventually led Heather to writing a suicide note and trading her dad’s gun for enough drugs to end it all.

After her overdose, Heather says “god” stepped in. And instead of using again, she decided to be completely honest about everything, and found her way into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, for good.

Heather now shares a sobriety date with her father’s birthday, loves the freedom the steps have given her and finds complete joy in being herself in any situation. My favorite part is when Heather learns, while sober, that her grandfather died with 42 years of sobriety.

Quotes
“I turned into that mom that I didn’t want to be. The mom that’s waking up and drinking and using. It’s just the misery of doing drugs and alcohol when you don’t want to—being that person you don’t want to be.”  

“I don’t know what the magic is that’s keeping me sober, what I do know is I don’t stop doing any of it.” 

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SPEAKER_00 0:01

We believe that alcoholism is a disease, and that alcoholic synonymous is one solution to that disease. I'm here to bring you the voices of its members. Everyone that comes on the show, including myself, is an active member and has found recovery in the rooms of AA. As you listen, please take what works for you and leave the rest.

SPEAKER_01 0:26

Hi, my name's Heather Philby McCabe, and I am an alcoholic. And um, and I'm super, super grateful to get the opportunity to uh share my experience, strength, and hope with you. My sobriety date is September 29th, 1996. I would love to say that that is my first sobriety date, but that's not the experience that I had. I have a home group. It's the Marina Pacifica 7 a.m. Attitude adjustment group of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have a sponsor and I have sponsees, and um I love that the Big Brook has allowed me to have the freedom to live today inside my skin. Um, I've never done a podcast before, so it's kind of uh weird, especially since I'm talking to an empty room. So if anybody's listening, I hope that you um are able to get something out of this that you can use for your own journey in recovery or that you can uh, you know, relate to if you're struggling to figure out what your truth is. And I'm I'm really glad that I got to figure out that my truth is that I am an alcoholic and that I get to have the life that I have today because of Alcoholics Anonymous and because I did the 12 steps and um continue to work this program in my life on a daily basis. I do want to say that um, you know, I am just a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am not Alcoholics Anonymous. So if you're new around these rooms and trying to figure out this program, like I'm just sharing my experience with this program. There's a million ways for this program to work. I'm just gonna share what works for me and what has worked for me over these 24 years on my journey. Um, but I hope that you can find something that kind of helps you along the path of your journey in this field. So if you hear stuff that you don't agree with or that I or I offend you in any way, I do apologize in advance. Um, but I I'm gonna share my truth, my experience. So um I I'm from a family of partiers. I I have a pretty amazing family, and um, we have a lot of fun together. And as long as I can remember that son always included alcohol and sometimes ever other substances. I grew up in the 70s and 80s, so um, you know, a lot of pot smoking was really big in the 70s, obviously, but uh I uh grew up in a household where I can remember like every weekend the family having something going on. I'm told that my first actual drunk, I was two and I was at a family party and you know, walking around, isn't it cute to get a sippy here and a sippy there? And um, apparently I kept getting a sip here, sip there, and would go out and play in a little plastic pool in the backyard and come back in and get a little sippy. And at one point I walked out into the backyard and um passed out apparently. And my uh my mom said I was a real, excuse my language, but I was a real little bitch the next day. Shocker, you know, two-year-olds with hangovers. I can imagine that that's uh that's how any two-year-old would feel if they woke up with a hangover, but that's kind of how life was for us. But the difference is like um between my family and me is that I react bodily and mentally different from my fellows to drugs and alcohol. So my family parties like that, but their partying did not take them on the journey that I ended up going on with mine. And that's because I react bodily and mentally different to alcohol and other substances than you know, than the rest of my family is. So um, so like I said, I partied early. Sometimes people are like, like, you really started that young, but it's really easy when you have a household and you know, the family has the liquor cabinet and the family has booze all over the place to get a hold of booze. And um, you know, I can clearly remember as a kid getting up on Saturday mornings to watch cartoons and finishing whatever was in the glasses and beer cans laying around the house, you know what I mean? And every once in a while throwing back a beer can and getting a cigarette butt in the mouth or you know, stuff like that. Like, like that's kind of how it was. And um, you know, it continues to this day for our family. I don't know that this the younger kids in our family um drink already, but the access is still there. Like we had the 100th taco night after my brother moved into the grandparents' house, and the six-year-olds were manning the margarita blender in the front yard. You know what I mean? So they have access, we have access um in our household. But again, I react bodily and mentally different than my fellows and then the rest of my family. Like, like that's the difference. Um and if you read the big book, it talks about that phenomena of craving. But like I can say that I didn't know that when I first started coming to AA. So I was the kid in junior high who called to find out where the keg parties were, but then I would pimp Boone's farm on the way to the keg party in case the keg ran out. And then when I got to the house where the keg parties were happening, you know, the kegers were happening, I was in your bathroom. I'm going through your medicine cabinet and trying to find anything that had a, you know, don't drive under this, um, so that I could take that with me as well. You know, and um I don't know what it was because I had a pretty great family. I mean, we were crazy, but we were a pretty great family. But for some reason, I never felt okay in my skin from as young as I can remember. I can remember I was not pretty enough. I was not, you know, smart enough. I was, I don't, I just I wasn't enough ever. And and booze fixed that, you know, taking a drink, and it was like, ah, and and and I don't take credit for this saying. I heard it in a speaker meeting, but it fit for me. I heard a speaker say, I took a drink and my skin fit, and and that's that's what alcohol did for me. Like drugs and alcohol made my skin fit. I at once got the the ease and comfort that comes at once from taking that first drink or hit. And um for some reason for me, my skin was always not fitting, even though I was smart and I was in the gifted programs, and I was the only girl on the guys' baseball team, and and I none of it was ever enough. You know what I mean? It was never enough, and um and I was always thinking of that ease and comfort that came at once from the first drink. And so I I partied as as young as I can remember, always trying to do it, and somehow I was still able to, like, you know, graduate or whatever you do, junior high, move on to high school. And um, you know, but as I'm hanging out with the parties in junior high and high school, I'm hanging out, and and when you're around the people that party like that, more and more substances come into play. So, you know, I'm smoking pot now, and and um I'm already starting to have blackouts and stuff, so I'm already starting to seek other substances so that I can drink longer without blacking out. So um my first blackout that I remember is I'm 12 years old, I'm at Seal Beach Pier. And to this day, I don't know who brought me home, but some guy brought me to my door and said to my mom, Is this your daughter? You know, and it was probably one of my brother's friends because I'm the youngest of five kids, but I still to this day don't know who it was, and it uh hurts my heart now that I look at my own kids and uh and see the brokenness that I had at such a young age and and uh and how I was seeking that relief at such a young age. But I'm grateful for it today, too. The weird thing is I'm grateful for that too because my skin fits today, and because I had those experiences, I get to be who I am today, you know. Um so I did graduate junior high. Um, we had some kind of traumatic stuff happen in junior high. My mom was diagnosed with uh chronic progressive multiple sclerosis, and so we were told, you know, not to increase the stress because the exact stress exacerbated her symptoms, and I was already well on my way in my disease, plus it was the 80s now, and we were in the punk rock era and we were all kind of crazy. Um, so it was hard not to exacerbate her disease. And during that same period of time, we found out that my dad had been having an affair, which kind of uh changed my trust capabilities and men for a while. And uh at that same time I met my first him. And ladies, you might understand that that him, you know, when you see him. Uh we I was at a punk rock show. He had three blue mohawks and he was walking down the side of a club, and you know, the sky opened up, and birds went, oh, you know what I mean. Like, love at first sight. I had my little bald head and he had his three blue mohawks, and it was you know, heaven on earth for that moment. Um, but two little punk rock drunks um don't make for a good relationship. And uh so I got my first relationship, and um, you know, we did not know how to play well together, especially when we were drinking and using. So it turned into uh some really not okay times between us of people laying hands on each other and cheating on each other and getting each other beaten up and just drama. And so we're together. I and I graduate junior high and go on to high school, and somehow I make it through high school, but I've added even more substances to my thing when I can't get a hold of booze. I'm I'm buying uh lucky market, they had a pharmacy, it was across the street from the high school that I went to, and I'm buying out the Grobitestin DM cough syrup on a weekly basis before they finally figure out like what I'm doing and stop selling it to me. But they had a pharmacy separate from the market market, so I learned I can go inside the market and still buy it. And um I don't know how I graduated. I honestly do not know how I graduated high school, but I was able to graduate. I failed to mention that I have a that older sister too, and uh my older sister is disabled, and so because of my experience of having a mom who's becoming disabled and a sister is disabled, and I also have a cousin who has a um disability, like working with people who are disabled comes naturally for me. So I end up getting a job working with disabled kids, and um, you know, I loved that job. I so loved it. Like getting to be there for them, and I gotta do stuff like you know, teach them to use the bus route and teach them how to make a grocery list and spend the money at the grocery store and the proper way to get you change and take them bowling. And I just, oh my god, I loved that job. And so I decided, you know, I wanted to become a special ed teacher. Like that was that was it for me. That was one other thing in my life that made me feel so good. Um, a lot of my students were disabled because of their parents drinking and using, and it was like heartbreaking to me. Like, why didn't these parents stop long enough? You know, the kids who had fetal alcohol syndrome or the ones who, you know, were severely disabled because of their parents' um afflictions, and it just, oh, it broke my heart. Like, but what I didn't realize is that I too was powerless to stop, you know. At that point in my life, like I was having those blips on the radar of, you know, the blackouts where you're like, who are you? Or you know what I mean, or the oh my god, I wish I never did that, or I didn't mean to drink tonight. I mean, I was having those moments, but my life wasn't falling apart. I was still able to graduate high school, for goodness sake. I was able to keep jobs, I'd never been fired. You know what I mean? Um, but I did, as most alcoholics and addicts do, is I hung out with people who had, you know, I sought the companions who I wanted to hang out with and party with, like me, and some of them were having repercussions already. And so I went to my first meeting where I'd had, you know, one of those experiences where it was a lot worse than I intended it to be, you know, and he really needed it already because he had been kicked out of his parents' house and was living on the streets. And so I went to my first meeting in uh 1986. And uh I go to that first meeting and I see God on the walls. Went to a place called the Rap Center in Long Beach. I hear them talking about God, you know, it's all smoky, they're all old, you know. I'm just like, but the thing that most mostly scared me out of that room was God's involved. And I don't know why I have this image of God. I mean, my my grandpa, my grandpa on my dad's side uh was what I thought extremely religious. My grandpa and grandma were extremely religious. And you know, I'd had that period of time going on the on the bus, on the bus to Sunday school only because they gave you candy. If you learned, if you learned Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, the Acts, Romans, you know what I mean? I didn't, but I I don't know where I picked up this idea other than maybe Sunday school bus rides, that if there was a God, he was kind of a jerk that we're and if if there was a God, I'm going to hell because I'm a dirty little girl, you know, and uh I saw God in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I'm just like, oh, this is not the place for me. They're a bunch of Jesus freaks. Use my language to anybody, no offense intended for anybody who's Christian, but that's just my experience with it. And and to be honest, still to this day, though I love Christianity, the uh Jesus is like nails on a chalkboard for me, though I love I love the religion of Christianity. I love some Christian people. I um I can't like Bill Wilson, I can't accept all the tenets of it. And uh so I just went squirrel, like I frequently do. So back to like uh I got my I got my hymn, go to high school, I have a job working with these kids that I I I want to work with, and I I go to my first AA meeting, and it's not not working, not not for me, man. That stuff is not for me, and I'm not that bad. So I'm uh working with these kids, and uh long story short, with that is me and that him get back together, and um I'm eight months pregnant sitting in a methadone clinic, and I'm I'm crying. I'm crying because I can't stop, and uh I can't stop. They wouldn't put me on methadone at that particular clinic. I would have had to go to another one, but it would have interfered with my job. So what we end up doing is my husband weans me off of heroin at home six weeks before she's born, and uh it's just God's grace. Well, he wasn't my husband yet, because I do everything backwards like a true alcoholic. He was still just my man. Um, but he weans me off at home, and uh, it's just God's grace that that little girl was born, even though I drank in well, mostly used heroin my entire pregnancy. Um, she was born with all five fingers, all five toes, you know, and I'm I'm just like those women that I didn't understand like what's wrong with them. Why didn't they stop long enough to have a clean kid? And uh I have this beautiful baby girl, and um you know, it's gonna be okay. It's gonna be okay. And six weeks clean now. We have this beautiful baby, things are gonna be okay, you know, and uh he comes back to the hospital after he went home to have some dinner, and he is loaded, and I am pissed, and uh, you know, I want to get loaded, you know. And uh somehow because I'm breastfeeding, I I don't I don't drink or use for another six weeks, you know, and I got that beautiful baby girl, and I'm breastfeeding, and okay, we're gonna be okay. He doesn't keep using, but we end up getting married six weeks after she's born, and we go on our honeymoon and we come back with $500 after our honeymoon out of our all the gifts everybody's giving us. We have $500 left. And we tell ourselves, we're just gonna do it just one night, you know. I can breast not breastfeed tonight, and uh I experience what it talks about in the big book that phenomenal craving. You know, I put a little bit in and all bets are off. I don't know what's gonna happen, and um, and we're off and running again. And I turn into that mom that I don't want to be, you know, that mom that's waking up and drinking and and using. I got this beautiful baby girl, and I'm being a mom that I don't want to be. I'm still working and trying to control and enjoy it, you know. I I pride myself in being a functional user, not an abuser. Like there's any such thing as a functional heroin addict, you know? And uh, and I have that little baby girl, and I still think I'm maintaining because I'm not losing my job, and I'm not, you know, I don't know. I was able to justify it. Though we'd have moments of we really shouldn't be doing this, and we'd go to meetings because he too had had a period of time sober in one of our breakups, you know. Tried to do the whole, you know, peace punk and you know, being sober and hang out with the sober punkers and all of that stuff, and uh, and it's a struggle, and we're on and off and on and off. And um, pretty soon I'm sneaking and doing it behind his back, and he uh he catches me, and so we're off and running again together, and it's just it's just the misery of of doing drugs and alcohol when you don't want to, when you're being that person that you don't want to be, and um we'd run into AA and run to meetings, and it wouldn't stick, you know, because God's still in there, and I'm not gonna do that God stuff. And uh I'm dragging that little baby girl to places you're not supposed to drag baby girls. And um, pretty soon I start trying trying to figure out like how can I stop doing this and I start blaming him, like you know, if I can get away from him, then I wouldn't get triggered again. Because you know how it is when you got two people using and drinking together, like one person wants to be sober for a minute, and the other one always one of you is talking the other one into it. It's like that with him and with my best friend who I use with. Pretty soon I'm thinking he's the problem, and I bail on I bail on him and I take our daughter, but I'm still using, and uh, he cleans up, and I think we're working on our marriage, and we have Christmas together, and he searches my purse and finds the stuff in my purse, and he tells me that uh he's gonna pull my covers with my family because my family doesn't really know if I don't give up my daughter and walk away, and uh and I do. And that's one more thing for me to wake up in the morning and hate myself and want to die over, is that uh not only can I not stop drinking and using you know to be a productive member of society, but I walk away from a daughter that I adore, you know, and you know it fixes that. One more drink, one more fix, and it's okay. I'm gonna quit tomorrow. You know, I'll I'll take care of this tomorrow. You know, I'm gonna quit. I'm gonna quit. But not till tomorrow, you know, and uh so I hate myself and I want to die, and which has kind of been a common theme for me all through my life because my skin doesn't fit. My skin does not fit unless I'm under the influence. And uh you know, I'd I'd also done a lot of self harm and cut myself and stuff throughout these years too. And uh I don't have to do that today anymore either. And so that that goes on like that. I of course, like like a good addict does, hook up with another him who also is an addict and And I start to think that maybe maybe Long Beach is the problem. So we moved to Vegas, thinking Vegas will fix it, you know. And uh all that happen all that happens there is I drink a lot more and then drive really far to score dope, you know. And uh I I do that not once but twice. And and like any good alcoholic and addict, uh we were so sick. Uh I I leave my husband. My husband ends up hooking up with some people that we've known since junior high, and uh goes out. He, my husband's in bands, and uh, so he there they go to see his band play, and that dude and his wife get in a fight at the show. So that dude leaves, and my husband hooks up with his wife. And when when I mean hook up with his wife, like he didn't know his marriage was over until he saw my husband and his wife walking down the street the next day with both of our kids and holding hands, you know what I mean? And uh when he calls me, since we've known each other since we were young, because Long Beach is the small big city, you know what I mean? It's so weird. Long Beach is really incestuous, and uh so he calls me to say, like, hey, did you know your husband's up and my wife? And I'm like, Oh, FM, you know, we should hook up, and so we do. So, so oh my god. So we have it was just it was like Geraldo Rivera or Jerry Springer-ish, you know what I mean? You got you got four alcoholics and addicts who are oh, it was crazy. It was so crazy. Like, you know, fist fighting, I'm doing daycare, she's doing daycare, we're fist fighting in front of the daycare kids. You know what I mean? It's such I it, I mean, I shouldn't be laughing. I mean, it's trauma, but oh my god, it was friggin' crazy, you know, and our kids were only a month apart. And I can tell you the good thing is today, because of Alcoholics Anonymous and because of working the steps and stuff like that, like like we're friends today, all of us are friends today, and and the craziest thing now is that um my daughter is with his nephew and they're the parents of my grandkids because Long Beach is incestuous. So oh God. Anyway, um back to getting sober. So so we do that whole, you know, geographic thing. And um what I learned through that is wherever you go, there you are. Like I'm an alcoholic and I can't run from this disease. I take it with me. And um, and I'm this whole time, you guys, like I said, I I'm coming back. My disease keeps kicking me back into Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm running back into AA, I'm seeing that God stuff, and I still am like, but I'm not as bad as you guys. Like I'm I'm starting to have all of this wreckage, but I'm not as bad as you guys, you know, because I'm listening for the differences. And um, so I I had left that daughter when she was three in my parents' driveway to say, you know, I'm moving to Vegas, I'm gonna get us a house, we're gonna be good, you know, and all those dreams are always shattered by the drinking and using. And um, so the second time back from Vegas, I'm still with the second hymn, the husband of the wife that's with my current husband. And oh um, I finally do, you know, that what they talk about in the big book that Phil's afraid he's gonna do that ultimate sacrifice and pulls his mattress downstairs because he's gonna be afraid he's gonna throw himself through a window. And uh, and I finally do that. You know, I've turned into the person as an adult with a kid and I'm army crawling when my parents let me sleep in the house. I'm army crawling across the floor into my parents' bedroom to steal out of my dad's wallet so I can get well. You know what I mean? I'm pawning my parents' jewelry. I'm I'm I'm palming 20s out of cash registers if I'm lucky enough to have a job. You know what I mean? I've turned into this person who wanted to be a teacher taking care of, you know, special ed and kids with special needs, and I've turned into just a beast to get my needs met. And I'm waking up every day and hating myself and wanting to die, and I can't stop. And I'm in a child abandoner now, you know, and um and I finally do the ultimate sacrifice, you know, and I I steal my dad's gun. My brother always says if I truly wanted to kill myself, I would have used the gun, but um that's not the the image I wanted to display when um when I was found. I steal my dad's gun, I trade it to the connection for enough heroin to do myself in and grab a bunch of pills, you know, to make sure I do it right. And uh and I write my suicide note. And my boyfriend at that time, the the husband of the wife, is you know, he's sober for a couple weeks at his parents' house, and I crawl into the back of his truck and I overdose and I leave him a suicide note with a get well to deal with it, and um, you know, I lay in the back of the truck expecting to die. And uh that's not what happens, obviously, because I'm talking to you today. So I wake up in ICU with my dad standing over me crying. And my first thought is, fuck, I can't even do this right, you know. I can't even get out of it this way. And um you'd think that would have been it. You'd think that would have been it, but I'm an alcoholic fanatic, and that wasn't the end of it either. Um, what I'm told happened was he woke up that next morning, saw me, he just got a new job, and he was terrified he was gonna lose the new job that he just got, and he uh took me over to my parents' house. My mom is like a quadriplegic now from her MS, and he takes me over to my parents' house and knocks on the door and says, like, Heather's really sick, fails to mention to them that I've overdosed, um, puts me on the couch and leaves for work. And my dad gets up and does his stuff and leaves for work. And then my mom's aid comes and gets my mom up in her chair, and I'm on the couch, and they're realizing like I've been on a couch for a long time. And after some hours, my mom starts yelling, like, hey, Heather, wake up, or whatever. And she realizes I'm not getting up. And her nurses left by now because they would put her in the chair to eat and then come back during the day. And uh, so she calls my sister, who is also in a wheelchair, and my sister comes over and tries to get me up. So we've got two disabled women trying to get me out of bed, and they realize like she's not waking up, and they call the paramedics, and um, I'm taken to the I'm taken to the hospital. You know, the funny thing is, is uh I woke up in the cycle and I had a bald spot on the top of my head, like a like an inch around bald spot on the top of my head. And my mom always says it's like apparently Hare Krishna's used to shave their head bald and have just that little ponytail on the top of their head because that's where God was gonna pluck them up to heaven. My mom always teased me that God like plucked me up and said, Oh, nope, we're not done with you yet, and threw me back down and ripped the hair out when he has thrown me back down. Oh my god. So I woke up in that cyclord and uh I woke up in that cyclord and thought to myself, you know, f I can't even get out of it this way. And I'm in the ICU for a week, and they have a person like literally sitting next to my bed for the entire week, and I'm telling him, like, dude, I already failed. You're not, you know, what am I gonna do while I'm in the hospital? You don't have to sit next to me. Um, but they made them sit there that whole week. And I remember that first time getting up and going to the bathroom when I was finally able to stand up, and I had I still had the charcoal all around my mouth because they'd, I guess, put charcoal in me or whatever, and I I literally looked like an Auschwitz victim. And uh oh, it was awful. And then I went to the psych ward, but I must say that I loved the psych ward. I absolutely loved it back then. They would give you cigarettes, you know. I didn't even have to hustle to get my cigarettes, and they gave us like um activities to do. They had little like window, like glass, like little brass window things where you colored them with the beads and hung them in the windows. And I loved the psych ward. Um, but what happened in the psych ward is that they uh they had me on methadone and uh you know they were feeding my beast. So I got out of the psych ward on that little girl's fifth birthday, May 9th, 1996. And uh I can't tell you guys today what she did for her fifth birthday. I don't even know if I talked to her on her fifth birthday. I remember one friend coming to visit me and she had been heartbroken. She'd been my friend since elementary school, and she'd been heartbroken. Like my one of my best friends tried to kill herself, and then she got to the cycle and she was pissed because I was laughing and happy, you know. And she'd been heartbroken all week. I don't know why I'm talking to you guys today, why I get to be the one talking to you guys today. Because I didn't want to be alive, I never thought I was gonna live past 30, you know. Um, other that God had other plans for me. And um, like I said, they were feeding my beast in the psych ward. And so when I got out on her fifth birthday, all that guilt and shame, I did what I do, you know, is hating me and still wanting to die, but I can't even do that right now, and I'm off and running again. And you guys, it was another four months of that horror of being a person that I hated and wanting to stop and not being able to, and in and out of sober livings now because my cold my covers blown, you know what I mean? Like my parents know now. So I'm in sober livings, but I'm drinking and using, and sober livings. I'm the kind of person who's lying and getting loaded in sober livings, and uh and in and out of AA, but I can't do this. But well, the beautiful thing is not once did people in AA ever tell me to stop coming when I was coming loaded. I mean, there was one club called the Never Alone Club. I actually went to the meeting loaded, led the meeting, went in the bathroom during break, did more, and came back out and finished leading the meeting loaded. And they never once told me, stop coming back, or you can't do that. They just loved me and kept saying, come back, come back, you know, thank God for that. And uh I can't tell you what's different between May 9th, 1996, and September 29th, 1996, other than the fact that that god that I didn't believe in, that I thought I hated the dirty little girl that I was stepped in. What happened for me is uh September 27th, my daughter. Um, I had to work on the 28th, and I had my daughter for the weekend, so I gave my daughter to my ex-sister-in-law to babysit for the night, and I was supposed to pick her up after work on the 28th, but we got paid. So the 28th, I took my mom's van and I went to get well before work. Cashed my check and went to get well before work. Never made it to work. I spent that entire paycheck trying to get the ease and comfort that comes at once with the first drink, and that ease and comfort never came. Never came. I would call him, he'd come, I'd do it. I never got the ease and comfort. No, there was an old hospital back in the 70s called Chick Shadow Hospital, and uh I remember the commercial. I was like 10, you guys, so I had no reason to remember the Chick Shadow Hospital commercial. Sick Chick Shadow Hospital was an aversion therapy hospital where you could sit at a bar and drink as much as you want, and they like shocked you or made you sick, or you could smoke as many cigarettes as you want and they'd shock you. And you know, they were trying to do this aversion therapy thing, and I can remember the dude in the chick shadow hospital looking dead in the camera and saying, Alcohol just wasn't working for me anymore. And uh, and that's what happened for me was I didn't get the ease and comfort that always came at once from that first drink. And I had spent literally my entire paycheck. I never went back to pick up my daughter, I never showed up at work. I was hating me and wanting to die and not getting that relief that came at once. And I had been in that van all day. I'm covered with sweat, makeup running down my face. I'm not getting the ease and comfort. And I have an out-of-body experience, and I'm seeing me for exactly who I am. And I beg that God, I beg that God that we uh what's up there, like the alcoholic prayer. I don't want to live this way anymore. And what I end up doing is like in my in and outs of the program, I had picked up a you know, sponsor, one of those sponsors that you never really call and never do their suggestions, you know what I mean? You see at the meetings. I picked a cool punk rock chick, of course. And uh that cool punk rock chick just happened to work at Redgate Detox in Long Beach. And so I went and I knocked on the door at Red Gate Detox and I begged them to let me in. They sent Jennifer the door and I just begged her to let me in. And um they said, we don't have a bed available, but if you call us every day, we might be able to get you in. So then I called the him, the one who had put me on my parents' couch, because I stay with guys who don't tell my parents I tried to kill myself and throw me on the couch because I think so highly of myself, you know. And uh I called him and his dad, and uh I did what I always did when I was swearing off forever. I, you know, I wrapped all my stuff up and threw it in a trash can and had plenty of times and gone back and dug stuff out of trash cans when I was swearing off forever. But I threw my kit in the trash can and uh the boyfriend and the dad came because I was kind of uh a mess, and he drove my parents' van back to my parents, and his dad followed us, and I sat on the couch with my parents. And I did one of the things that I think kept me started on my journey was for the first time I I was completely honest. Like, I can't explain why I keep doing it, I've been doing it all the time. You know, I uh all that jewelry that's missing. Here's the pawn slips, the guns that's missing. I did that, you know what I mean? I like told the truth for the first time ever. And at that point, my parents were like fed up and were like, you know, we'll let you stay here for a few days. Um, but if you don't go into that place, then we're done with you and you're not gonna see your daughter anymore. My sister-in-law dropped my daughter off at the house for the visitation, and I can tell you that after that, I was loaded out of my mind. It's like all of the all of the drugs finally worked, but it wasn't an ease and comfort, it was uh, I couldn't even keep my eyes open. And um I remember my daughter, that's Courtney's my oldest daughter. My daughter, I remember her coming in every once in a while in the haze that I was experiencing in that moment. She had a wig on and chocolate all over her face. Can I have some more candy, mom? You know, and uh the next day was September 29th, 1996. It was my dad's butt birthday, and um I was on the couch, and I've heard another alcoholic say this. So I'm not taking credit for this, but I woke up shitting, shaking, baking, dying on that couch. Um, sick because I was strung out, and um I can't tell you what kept me on that couch that day, other than a god that's much bigger than me. And I stayed on that couch sick. My parents went out for their uh for my dad's birthday, and I had a set of keys to the car. I'd spent my whole paycheck the day before, and I don't know if they still do this kind of thing to today, but when you spend a bunch of money with them back in those days, they gave you a freebie to get you off and running again the next day, and he owed me my freebie, and I had the kit where I could have gone and dug it out of the trash can like I always did. And um, I stayed on the couch that day and I called Medgate and they said we don't have a bed. And I stayed on that couch sick and did not go and get loaded. So my sobriety date, September 29th, 1996, just happens to be my dad's birthday, you know, and I get to honor my dad every year that I stay sober. Um next day, September 30th, I got into Redgate and I started doing the stuff that you guys told me. And I did the second thing at Redgate that I think has kept me sober to this day, too, which is uh there was a guy named Pastor Wally in a wheelchair, and Pastor Wally came rolling in my room when I was laying on that bed in that detox center and said, Do you want to pray? And I was so desperate. I said, Yeah. And I got down on my knees next to Pastor Wally, and I begged God to help me stay sober because I didn't want to live that way anymore. I didn't want to be that moth that abandoned my kids. I didn't want to lie, I didn't want to steal from my parents. You know, I didn't want to be that person anymore, and I didn't know why I couldn't stop. And uh I just did what they said, and I started doing that colonopin shuffle for the seven days, and at the end of seven days, they suggested I go into a 30-day program, and I was indignant. I have a job. I hadn't been back to that job since I never showed up this, you know, that few days earlier, a week earlier, whatever it was. I didn't know if I still had the job. You know, I have a daughter who I barely ever saw, and when I did, I was loaded, you know, as a crappy parent, but I uh I agreed to go to that 90-day program, so I became willing to do stuff, you know. I I got honest and I became a little bit more willing. And um, I couldn't go over to the recovery side at Redgate because Jennifer worked there and it would have been a conflict of interest. But uh what I did do is agreed to go to the Flossie Lewis Center in Long Beach, and uh the Flossie Lewis Center is an amazing women's recovery home, and I am so grateful for the experience that I got to have there. And I I got so much, they didn't even have a bed available when they sent me there, so I slept on somebody's couch up in the up in the sober living because I was desperate not to drink and use again, and uh I started doing whatever they said, and I can tell you honestly that I cried like my first 90 days in treatment doing those, doing all that writing and sharing with the girls who I'd been and what I'd done and all the shame and guilt and embarrassment. I just cried and cried and cried. I was so broken, but but I was just opening up and you know, doing whatever they said to do. And one of the things that they suggested is that keep praying part, you know what I mean? The keep praying, and uh I had a roommate, she was really tough, she was a tough girl, and uh, she'd get down on her knees every night in the room and pray. And I just I wasn't willing to do that. I mean, I did it with Pastor Lolly, but I was not willing to get down and pray every night. But I was at a at a meeting, and a really cool punk rock dude said, you know what I do is I wake up in the morning and I say please, and at night I say thanks, and I'm like, okay, okay, if if that cool punk rock dude can do that, I'm not gonna get down on the knees like she's doing, but I'm willing to say please and thanks, you know? And um, so I literally would pray like this, you guys. This is how I started creating my higher power was I'd be like, dude, I don't even believe that you're really out there or that you helped me out, but will you help me out today? And at night I'd be like, thanks, man. Like, literally, that's how I started my praying to God, you know, like, dude, I don't believe in you, but if you're out there, help me out, help me stay sober today. Thanks, man. Like over and over and over. I did that every day. And we did have to learn the the third step prayer and the seventh step prayer because we had to uh pray before we got our meals. So um I would do the third step prayer and the seventh step prayer um to get our meals, and then they suggested that I get a sponsor. So I did that. I got a sponsor and I started doing the steps with my sponsor, um, you know, doing that writing and stuff like that. And I can tell you that it was so absolutely freeing. That four-step, like writing, and I wrote a book for my four step, you guys. I wrote like a book. I had so much shame and guilt, and just oh, so I just literally, you know what I mean? Like I barfed all over her for that fifth step. And I was shocked because that amazing sponsor of mine, and the sponsor that I ended up picking, you guys, we were at the Big Ten meeting, and she was like a stewardess when she. You know, the bathrooms are down the hall and to the right. She was she looked like a storedist to me. And she like worked for a big corporation and dressed in business suits. I mean, she was not the cool punk rock sponsor. I can tell you that she was cool and perfect and exactly what I needed. And they would say, hey, they had to pick a sponsor that had what you wanted. Well, she was like married and had a house and had kids and a job. And I'm like, that's what I want. And um, oh my god, thank God she was in my life. Her name was Lori because I love her so much because she set me on the path. I can tell you guys that I still hear her voice in my head sometimes 24 years later, you know. And uh, she's not my sponsor today, but it was so good to be able to tell her. And she would top some of my stuff, like, you know, tell me some of the things that she did, like share some of her stuff. And I'm like, you did that drinking? Oh my god, I was on hair with, you know what I mean? And uh I did my steps with her and I just started following around. And I can tell you guys, I didn't I didn't know that I was an alcoholic when I got here. You know, I I was an Anda, you know what I mean? An alcoholic and a. I don't know if it's because I thought being an Anda was cool or lit, but I'm so grateful that Lori took me to the triangle group and that a member from the triangle group gently walked me outside after I did the I'm an Andre, you know, and walked me outside and explained to me the singleness of purpose of Alcoholics Anonymous. That, you know, there may be some people out there who don't have a story like mine that they've only just drinked. And when they hear my detailed graphic, you know, story, they might be like, oh, I'm not like you guys, you know, and um talk to me about the singleness of purpose. And he didn't do it in the manner like, we don't have addicts in here, you know, he did it in a gentle, kind manner and explained that stuff to me. And um, I'm really grateful for that. And I'm grateful to Lori for helping me start on my path. And um during that period of time, too, at that server living, there was amazing women who would come in. There's a Kate and Nika were in a recovery home down the street, and they would come to our meetings, dragging their kids and show us how it was done. And uh, you know, no matter what, rain, you know, come share their experience, strength, and hope with their kids in tow. And they showed me, they showed me how to be a mom. I didn't know how to be a mom. And I started getting visitation with that little girl, and oh my god, I'd be cleaning one side of the room and she'd tear up the other side. That little girl was pissed, and she had every right to be pissed at me because I had been a horrible mom, you know. And Nika and Kate showed me how to love, how to be a mom, how to let them have their experience and just love them and hang on to them. And uh, Flossie Lewis gave me great foundation. Uh at Christmas time at Flossie, my parents came, you know. So I'm I'm in Flossie Lewis, my parents come, they do a Christmas celebration every year, and uh my dad says, while we're there, like the director's running around, and my dad says, she really reminds me of Flossie. And I'm like, what? What? And my wait, you knew Flossie Lewis? And my dad's like, sure, Heather. Your grandfather had 42 years of sobriety when he passed away. I had no idea. I had no idea that all of those magazines by his toilet were grapevines. I had no idea that the pictures of the two pastors up on the wall at his house were Bob and Bill Wilson. I had no idea that that prayer up on his wall was the 12th, you know, was the serenity prayer. I had no idea. I just thought my grandpa was religious, you know. And uh at Flossie Lewis, they still have Flossie Lewis's uh phone book in the little hutch, whatever old hutch is there. Uh we flipped through it, and my grandparents' name is in Flossie Lewis's phone book, and it was like a moment of, oh my god, I'm right where I'm supposed to be. You know, I heard in Alcoholics Anonymous that coincidences are God's way of anonymous, remaining anonymous, and uh, and that's what I started doing, and that's another thing that continued to grow my faith in higher power is the moments that I'd have a coincidence, I'd just start saying, Thanks, God. Thanks, God. And um, I can tell you guys today that because of this program, like I have this amazing higher power. That sponsor of mine, Lori, she had me fire the God that was sending this dirty little girl to hell. And she had me write out everything that I would want in a higher power. What would the higher power be? Like, you know, and uh I had a dad that loved me a lot. He made mistakes, you know, but he and my mom worked through those mistakes and they forgave each other. And I wrote down like kind of like my dad, the man that my dad was. I mean, he he stayed with a wife that became a total quadriplegic, you know, and uh cared for her up until he died. And um, you know, my God's a loving man. Well, I don't even know if it's a man, I shouldn't say it's a man. My god, though, loves, loves and cares. And uh, you know, my dad made mistakes, but he was forgiven and he forgives. And uh yeah, and so I got to literally be like, dude, you're fired when that nasty God came into my mind. And uh I got an amazing hiring power today. Um, what also happened in that deal is I started following around Nika and Kate, and um and I started doing what they said, and what ended up happening, people kept saying you need to get custody of that daughter back. And I was uh I was afraid, you know, I didn't think that I deserved her back, I didn't think I was worthy, I didn't think that I could be the mom that she deserved. And what ended up happening is my first husband relapsed and uh DCS GCFS got involved. I know the person today that called GCFS, and we're really good friends. And um my daughter literally got handed back to me at that point. I had gotten an amazing job of being able to give back to people who were like me and um and DCFS calls, and I was able to say, like, here's who I am, I got a year sober, and this is what I've done, and I didn't have to lie, I didn't have to hide. They came over to my house and they they uh said she can't go back to her dad's or we're gonna have to open a case, and uh, and I cut my daughter handed to me. And again, she was pissed, but because of Alcoholics Anonymous and women like Nika and Kate showing me how to parent, and because of Alatine, I gotta give a huge shout out to Alatine because my daughter was very active in Alatine. We got to rebuild the relationship, and uh and uh that man um unfortunately was never able to put together a ton of sobriety. We ended up getting divorced um uh after I had three years of sobriety. We ended up getting divorced finally, and he was never able to stay sober, unfortunately. And we walked through a lot of pain of of him doing his best to be the dad that she deserved, but unfortunately, because of drugs and alcohol, he wasn't able to do that, you know. And um, I woke one night to my daughter banging on the window, yelling, mom, mom, my dad, my dad, I think my dad's dead. And he had overdosed at the sober living he arrived at that morning. And again, you guys, I don't know why I'm the one who gets to talk to you because I tried to take my life, you know. And he was trying to get sober and he's the one who died. You know, they wouldn't let me identify his body because we were divorced. You know, 19-year-olds shouldn't have to identify their dad's body. So that's not how this should be, you know. But because of Alcoholics Anonymous and allatine and you know, doing what she needed to do to heal. Two hours after identifying his body when we're still waiting for the corner at that sober living, she looks over at me and goes, Well, at least I don't have to worry about him and my stepdad fighting over who's gonna walk me down the aisle. Because she knew my current husband had been the dad because of being sober, that he would be the one paying for the wedding. You know what I mean? So, you know, and that's just one more experience. This is a deadly disease. This is a deadly disease, and uh also in this deal, I uh I met my current him in the program. No, he I can tell you honestly that when I met him, he did not, he's not my type at all. He was not punk rock, he does not have a bunch of tattoos, he's never been in a band, he golfs, he's from Ohio. There's nothing wrong with people from Ohio, please forgive me for that. But you know what I mean? Just totally different. I'm raised in very liberal Long Beach. He's from Ohio. Um, he is a great guy though, but uh, you know, he listens to country music, he's just uh uh different than who I thought I was, let's put it that way. And um I met him at Alcoholics Anonymous, and he asked me on a date, and I said, Well, I'm busy for the next two weeks because I don't know how to date moderation either when I'm sober and single. Um, I had to hit bottoms in a bunch of areas, including uh sex, dating, and uh spending money and anger. I had to hit bottoms in all of those areas in sobriety. But he asked me on a date and I said, I'm book solid for the next two weeks. And he's all that's okay. I'm going to the Hawaii convention. We'll get together when I get back. And he got back and then didn't ask me on the date, the nerve of that guy, which totally intrigued me. And I finally was like, hey, what's up with this going on the date? And we went on our first date, and the beautiful thing was I did not, I did not have to be anybody other than who I was. I pretty much was like, here's who I am. How do you like me now? You know what I mean? And uh, and he asked me on a second date, which was crazy because I'm a nut, you know, and uh second date, he met my entire family. It was on Thanksgiving of 1999. He asked me on a date with my entire family, and met my entire family and took me on that second date to the movies, and on that second date, I knew I was gonna marry him. I knew. Don't ask me how I knew, but I knew I was gonna marry him. And uh, I came home and told my dad, I'm gonna marry that guy. And my dad's like, oh Jesus Christ, are you out of your F and Mine? You know what I mean? And um that was November of 99, and Y2K, New Year's of 2000, at a AA, at an AA dance, my husband got down on the floor on one knee and asked me to marry him six weeks later. Asked me to marry him. The whole room came to a stop, it felt like, and he asked me to marry him. He tells everybody that he only asked because the world was coming to an end anyway, and he had nothing left to lose. Um, and I can tell you guys that uh I have completely fallen in love with that man, and it's not been easy. But thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous, and uh, and we had some amazing people in our area that had a couples meeting that showed us how to do this, showed us how to be married, how to work the traditions and the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous in a in a relationship. You know what I mean? And I'm so very grateful for that. And out of that deal, I got his son. His son, unfortunately, doesn't um have a relationship with his biological mom because she's one of us and she's never been able to stay sober. He was taken from his biological mom at birth and was raised by my mother-in-law, and um when my husband and I got together, I started pulling that kid under my wing, and he had his own struggles with drugs and alcohol. But we got to be present parents for that. We got to become the parents that like I came in a purple-haired punk rock junkie and um turned into like a minivan driving soccer mom selling Girl Scout cookies, you know, and being the Girl Scout nuts manager and the team mom on the softball team and cheer cheer coach, and my husband was like the football coach, you know what I mean? Like we turned into like pretty square, actually. But I have so much fun. I have so much fun. And then the two of us also got to have this beautiful, beautiful little baby girl who um who got to be ours, you know, his, mine, and ours. And um, and this is a good deal, you know. And our son and our, you know, all of them had their own experiences with drugs and alcohol. And we just do this deal one moment at a time. We parent one moment at a time, we stay sober one moment at a time. I can tell you I have the best life. I don't know what the magic is that's keeping me sober. What I do know is that I don't, I don't stop doing any of it because I don't know which part of it keeps me sober. So I still wake up every morning and do the third step prayer and the seventh step prayer. I make my bed, you know, in the morning. I still have a home group, I still have a sponsor, I still have sponsees, I read the big book with my sponsees, I still have at least one commitment in Alcoholics Anonymous. I've been in GSR, I've been in HI, you know, coffee commitments. I did get fired from a coffee commitment though, because alcoholics apparently like coffee in the coffee every time. Hot water is not acceptable. God, give me a break. You know, in a season. But um, you know, and I have a life literally beyond my wildest dreams now. I travel, I have not had to stick anything in a body cavity to travel in 24 years. That is a beautiful thing. You know, I haven't woke up derp sick in a really long time. And uh my newest uh obsession is I have got a Harley Davidson. I've grown some huevos in in the last few years. I don't know if it's menopause or lut, but I've um I uh I've become a lot more bold. And the best gift of all is the relationships we have, our kids with our kids, and not only our kids now, we're being blessed with grandkids, and they are just like I fall in love with my husband over and over watching him with our grandkids. It's just the best experience ever. We have a little grandson named Levi from our son, and we have a little granddaughter named Violet from my daughter, my oldest daughter, who is again with my ex, my ex's nephew, um, because Long Beach is a little incestuous. And then they are pregnant with our other grandson and our she's pregnant and due on my oldest grandson's second birthday, which is super cool. So, you know, life is really, really good, and I owe it all to Alcoholics Anonymous and to an amazing higher power and to this deal. So if you're new, I hope you got something from my share. I if you didn't, I apologize. If I was too graphic and I offended you, I apologize as well. But I hope that you find in rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous a light that's out there.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:30

For more information, read the first 164 pages of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous or visit keepcoming back.net.