vol 58. Sobriety Date 2/3/2021 (Lynne)

Lynne shares her Experience, Strength and Hope with her story of food, alcohol and cocaine addiction. Lynne holds nothing back in sharing her honest journey to a life of freedom . . . again.

Lynne grew up in a dysfunctional home with an alcoholic father, rage-alcoholic mother and a ton of Catholic schoolgirl guilt. An extremely emotional child with outbursts and meltdowns, her father would lock her in the car to contain it. Lynne eventually learned to hide her emotions and to escape them with food—Bulimia was her first addiction.

Since Lynne can remember, she strived to be connected to something bigger than her, even wanting to be a nun for a moment. And it was in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous that she found that connection she was seeking. After drifting away from the program, Lynne went out for 14 years. Thinking she was finally grown up enough to drink again, she had a few sips of wine, and found herself immediately in the bathroom calling her dealer.

Today, in a fresh new sobriety, Lynne vocalizes her struggles and seeks help before the pain gets unbearable. Today, Lynne picks up the phone instead of a drink.

Quotes
"I always gravitated towards something outside myself to make myself feel better.”

“Whenever I couldn’t deal with my emotions, I was stuffing them down (with food) and then purging them out.”

“I have to defend my sobriety with everything I have.”

“I race to that homegroup for relief, I need to go get my fix and that fix is Alcoholics Anonymous . . . nobody understands me like you guys do.”

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SPEAKER_00 0:11

Everyone that comes on the show, including myself, member, and recovery in the room of AA. Please take what works for you and leave it right.

SPEAKER_01 0:25

Good morning. My name is Lynn and I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date is February 3rd, 2021. And uh this is my story. So I grew up uh in Los Angeles. I grew up in a family that was very dysfunctional. Uh I also grew up with a father that was an alcoholic and a mother that was a rageholic. Still is a rageholic, I guess, because my father passed away. And um I mean, what's unique about that uh is that I felt like the dysfunction was normal growing up. Um I rationalize it a lot because I'm a lot of my needs were met, but my emotional needs were not met. And I remember from a very early age having really bad temper tantrums. Uh and I always thought it's because, you know, I don't know, my dad or my mom, they weren't doing what I wanted or they wouldn't let me do what I wanted. And I just was not able to accept that at all. I mean, looking back on it now, uh, that's how I view it. Because there were countless times where my dad would lock me in the car um to let me basically scream it out till I was exhausted from the screaming and uh just gave up and maybe took a nap, I think. And my dad came to me at a very early age, um, probably when I was about eight years old. And there were only a few times that I remember uh my dad's alcoholism growing up, and one of them uh I had been attacked by his dog in our backyard, and I just remember the dog was on top of me and attacking me and scratching my face and biting my head. And my dad was a uh he was a doctor, he was a very prominent surgeon, and he was inside the house, and I remember my older sister dragging me inside and him just kind of like swaying back and forth with this big roll of gauze and just wrapping my head up, and then sent me home to my mom. And I remember being in my mom taking me to the emergency room and um the big needle that had to go in my head, but that's about it. And then there was another instance where I remember I wanted to fly a kite with him, and he wouldn't come out of the hotel room um when we were in Hawaii somewhere, and that story is pretty important because when he got sober, he came to me and he told me uh, I guess he would he was doing was making an amend to me and told me that he would never not do something with me because I can't remember if he said he's drinking or not. He may very well have. But that kind of started my uh uh introduction to Alcoholics Anonymous, I guess, at a very early age. Um, I remember him taking me to a church and kind of like shuttling me off to a room with a bunch of other kids in a room, and they were talking about I just didn't understand it. I didn't know why I was there. My dad was very closed off and he didn't really talk about spirituality much, but I just knew that he was acting different and he just would send me to this room with other kids that would talk about their problems. But I never shared my problems, I was very private because I was also told at a very age, you know, not to show emotion and to keep everything bottled up inside and to be strong and not feel sorry for yourself. And some point when I was an adolescent, my dad, when we were going, we were having a talk about something and he would constantly try to analyze me. He said that he told me I was an alcoholic, basically. He said, Lynn, you're an alcoholic. Uh but if you never pick up a drink, you'll never die from it. So that was my introduction to uh, I guess, alcoholics anonymous. I also had a lot of trauma growing up. Um, I was attacked by my father's dog. I was also bitten by a lion at a very early age and almost lost my leg. And I just remember, you know, throughout every traumatic experience that nobody was really there for me. Uh, and I was alone. So it forced me to not, I think, trust people. And I was also molested when I was younger. Um, my mom ran a business out of her home, and she had men around constantly working for her that weren't vetted, and one in particular that lived in our guest house. And I share that because it is part of my story, and I think it's it's one of the reasons that I had to get to a place to get sober. I had after being constantly molested by somebody that lived in her guest house, uh, I had blocked out almost a year of my life. I don't remember it. Um so there was a lot of trauma growing up, and I always gravitated towards something outside myself to make myself feel better. I I went to a Catholic school, and there was a lot of guilt that would came along with that, of course. And at the same time, I always gravitated towards something to help me. I was reaching out for something to make me feel better. And at some point it was God in Catholicism. At some point, I wanted to be a nun. It was so black and white for me. And uh I did journal a lot when I was younger. It always made me feel better. And for some reason, my journaling would always be conversations with God when I would write and when I couldn't fix what was going on in my head, trying to make sense of it. And my I felt like my my dad used to call it my computer. I I felt like it ran rampant quite a bit as an adolescent. So I carried on and I was uh I was definitely an overachiever. I come from a family uh of overachievers, a lot of pressure to be the best, you know, get straight A's, excel, etc. I was always told by my parents that I was the smartest one, but I was also the most rebellious. And I uh I uh I had a hard time with friends for sure at an early age because of the dysfunction of my family, because of my trauma. Uh I tended to take it out on in social situations, and uh I just I just didn't get along very well with others. So as I got to be a teenager, and I'm gonna share this as part of my story because the alcoholism runs very, very deep in me. Uh it it can you know permeate pretty much every bit of my being if I let it. And um I found that food at first was you know kind of an escape for me. I definitely had a sweet tooth growing up. And then as I became more uncomfortable in my skin as I went through puberty, uh, you know, I kind of gravitated towards food more and more for comfort. But I was never I was never overweight as a kid. I was very athletic. I played soccer and volleyball. And my stepmom had made a comment to me at a very early age. Uh I had started a new school with nobody that I know is going to really hardcore college prep school, and this was only in seventh grade. And so I was at the doctor's office, and you know, I say this because I don't know, you know, there's the littlest things that could send me off and send me down a path based on my perception and based on what others think of me. And my stepmom had made a comment that, you know, I had a pot belly and I needed to get rid of it or something. And I was very vulnerable because I was had my shirt off and I was about to get a hundred shots on my back for being allergy tested. And I just thought, well, maybe that's what's wrong with me. Maybe that's why kids don't like me because I have a pot belly, you know, so let's get rid of that and see if that and see if it changes. And I did that. I basically, although I mean, looking back on it now, I didn't know what that was, but it basically, you know, became somewhat anorectic, limiting my food, only eating spinach at lunch at school, um, portion control at dinner time. And next thing you knew, I grew six inches before my freshman year. And then it's like all of a sudden all the boys, you know, started giving me attention, and you know, and I got that validation, that outside validation that I've been looking for. And I was like, okay, well, that worked, you know, that worked. Maybe it was that, maybe it was the outside fix that I needed to do. So then that that turned into that was a problem though, because I always liked food, remember? So I didn't really know what what bulimia was, and it's definitely obviously part of my story. Um, but I know that my sister would eat ice cream, and there were tubs of ice cream empty containers underneath her bed. And I actually heard her throwing up one time, and she kind of just looked at me and she just said, Oh, well, then it doesn't count or something. And so that became my addiction all throughout high school. And whenever I was, you know, whenever I couldn't deal with my emotions or I couldn't sit with my feelings, I was stuffing them down and then I was purging them out. And that lasted um well into my 20s. And I was introduced to drugs around the same time. My uh my older sister, she always kind of wanted me on her level. And she uh came back from Berkeley and she introduced me to uh we went to a Grateful Dead show, took my first Grateful Dead show, and I absolutely fell in love with it. I was like, wow, this is the family that I've been looking for, this is the message I've been looking for, love and you know, um unity and music and you know, just the history behind them. And I just fell in love with Grateful Dead. And along came with, you know, along with that came a love for marijuana and mushrooms and you know, things to enhance my experience. I I also remember sitting when I was probably about eight or nine years old and watching the Doors movie when it came out, and that whole drug life that I never had been exposed to. I, you know, I'm like a very hardcore college text school. And um, I remember seeing that life and just going, wow, that just seems so elusive. I want to live in that movie. I mean, just that kind of recklessness and free, like it seemed like freedom to me. The freedom seemed like, you know, that was the the drugs in that movie seemed like the freedom. And then, you know, The Grateful Dead brought that on too. So I tried marijuana for the first time, and I never really got into drugs that heavy in high school. My eating disorder always pervaded everything. Um, but I definitely used it as a catalyst to, you know, escape my body, escape what I was feeling, feel connected with something. Um, anything to not feel what I felt inside. A lot of times there's there's kind of a consistent memory of walking down the hallway at school and feeling like there was kind of something on my back, like people were watching me. Um, because I just felt so uncomfortable, so completely uncomfortable. And, you know, we fast forward to about 19 or 20 years old when I got introduced to cocaine for the first time. And that kind of, you know, the first time I I did it, my sister had come to visit me. And again, you know, she introduced me to something I had never done before and kind of tricked me into smoking marijuana with cocaine and wearing briefs. Oh, I forgot about that. Yeah, I did a lot of geographics. Uh I I had dropped out of high school because I just mentally couldn't deal with, you know, um just all the stuff in my head, and I just couldn't get any relief. And I definitely couldn't focus on my studies. And I wanted to be this free person and I wanted to experience other things, and I couldn't stand that college pet school anymore, so I transferred to public school, and then I basically dropped out. And when I was 17 years old, um, I wasn't even living with my parents, I was fighting so much with them that uh my mom put a ticket on the door to go to Israel for a month and I didn't come home for a year and a half. And that kind of curbed some of my drug use. She was right, she wanted to get me away from even if it was marijuana, or she thought that the marijuana and the and the mushrooms and what I was doing was interfering with my school, and she had no idea with my eating disorder that it was so out of control. So I did a lot of geographics. Um, but anyhow, my sister came to visit me and and um tricked me into doing cocaine, and I hated it for the first time. And then when I got back to LA, um the Grateful Dead was over, and then I found clubs, and then I found going out to clubs and dancing and doing drugs and clubs, and you know, there was that whole identity of that other world that I was looking for and seeking to be happy in because I was just so uncomfortable in the regular world I was consumed with. And I think after the second or third time that I found cocaine, I was like, wow, this is it. Like this is what this is what makes me feel better, this is what gives me confidence. I just loved, I mean, God, I gotta say this. I just loved the feeling of having a drink and then having that first line. There was nothing like it, you know. And I would constantly, you know, 20 years later, I was constantly looking for that same high, you know, that first same high of that really good feeling that that kind of like first time gave me of that combination, that that little bit of tiptiness from alcohol and do a line to straighten myself out because I never like to feel out of control, but I never wanted to get too high either. So my use, you know, was was pretty consistent, and it got to a point where I was I was ending up in in pretty bad situations. Um and I was I was thinking to myself, you know, what got me sober the first time? Because I got sober in 2003 for the first time, and I I put together uh about two and a half years, had a relapse, and then went back to AA and put together about another two and a half years. But the first time I got sober, I think it was from the demoralization of being raped. And um I was in a situation where I was using drugs and you know, around people that were in that mentality, and you know, I was constantly seeking attention from men, and I got myself in a situation with my boss where I was raped, and it wasn't it wasn't a violent rape or anything like that, but it was just enough to make me feel like completely empty inside, and coming from such a you know Catholic upbringing, um, there was a lot of guilt associated with that. And I remember the first time I got sober, it was definitely a spiritual experience. I had been on a three-day vendor with some friends, and he was a DJ and he was playing a song, and it was called the funny thing about that song, it was called it was by Moodswig, and it was called Spiritual High. And I remember being, you know, half asleep, passed out in a room, and that song just floated into me, and it was like it almost felt like the hand of God grabbed me and just said, You can't live like this anymore. Like there's another life for you. And it came to me through a song. Um, but I remember getting up and my friends looking at me like I was crazy, and I was like, This I didn't done. And they're like, What are you what are you talking about? I'm like, I can't do this anymore, I'm going to get sober. And they were like, What? And I did. I that's literally what I did. I that was just enough of a profound spiritual experience for me that maybe I was opening to listening, you know, maybe I was opening to having a contact with God at that moment. But I I checked myself and and I and around the the raping, I I checked myself into a rehab and I stayed. And it the the only issue with that is that I, even though I stopped using the drugs and alcohol, I couldn't, the eating disorder just wouldn't go away. And I remember, you know, I hear a lot in the rooms that people when they come into AA, you know, it's always okay, listen for the similarities, listen for the similarities. And I had a lot of similarities, but I also had a lot of shame. And I felt like I couldn't share that part of my story because of what you would think of me. You would think that I was dirty, you would think that I was disgusting. How could I throw up my food? You know, how could I, you know, that drugs were cool, alcohol was cool, but you know, geez, that's disgusting. And it definitely kept me self-separate from the fellowship. I mean, the difference for me now in the fellowship is that, you know, I love going to get coffee and I love going to, you know, eat with people or, you know, do that kind of thing. And and I couldn't do that before because I was scared to death of food. And I tried going to OA, but I just, I just, I don't know if I was willing, but it was just, it was too much for me. And I didn't think that God could handle it. I didn't, I thought that God could handle my drugs and alcohol, but I couldn't ask for help for that because it wasn't gonna work. I didn't believe that it was gonna work. And when I went out and I had a relapse, um, you know, the first time I I got sober, I was really involved in the program, and I I I shared this about relationships because, you know, there's there's direction, the only requirement of the desire to stop drinking. But for me, it was always so black and white about giving my attention um to something else when I was working on myself, and I ended up in a relationship, and I I was guilty about being in a relationship because I felt like I was cheating on God. Goes back to that nun thing, I think. Um, but it just made me uncomfortable that relationship because I just didn't think it was a white picket fence relationship, but I still wanted that companionship. And um I I ended up, you know, kind of straying away from the fellowship. And also, I have to share this. My sponsor was kept telling me not to be in that relationship, and she was really, she just probably wasn't the right fit for me. And so, you know, if you have a sponsor and maybe they're not the right fit for you, that's okay. Maybe they're the right sponsor for that time, but you know, it doesn't mean that you that you can't find somebody else that's gonna, you know, share the message with you or that you can really trust to to share your story with because that there was that little divide with us. I don't think I was completely honest with her. And this everything about this program is about honesty, um, for me at least, and that's what they say, right? The how. So um I ended up having a relapse, and in that relapse, I ended up getting pregnant, and um I drove around with pregnancy tests in my car for about my trunk for about three weeks, and then I took the pregnancy test and realized I was sober, and I told my ex to go, this is a horrible thing to say, but being honest, told him to go get a bottle of wine. I was I had found out I was three weeks along, and I had two glasses of wine and one cigarette, and that was it. And I didn't drink and I didn't even use artificial sweetener my entire pregnancy and I didn't smoke. And I thought that God, like if you just get me out of this one, if you just, if you just if you just give me a normal child, I promise I won't do anything like that to my body again. So I think that um the guilt really scared me um about that and it was enough to keep me sober because I wanted more than anything if I was gonna bring something in the world that it was not gonna be damaged from something that I had done. Which is pretty ironic because now my daughter's 16 and uh I did a lot of damage to her. So this time around, um, I went out for 14 years. I had my daughter, and in about two and a half years, you know, I got away from the fellowship. I was sober, but I wasn't sober for the right reasons, right? We hadn't we hadn't gotten down to me being unwill, me being willing to accept that I was a true alcoholic because the focus now was on, well, okay, now I have a kid, now I've been able to stay clean. Everything is going into raising her, being a good mom, working, single mom. My ex was out there and I put him through countless rehabs, you know, while I was pregnant with her. It was just, you know, awful, and I couldn't take that anymore. You know, he wasn't in the picture. And um, everything got really good in my life. You know, I gotta say, this program, wow. Um, when my daughter was about six months old, I got a promotional work and I had to move, and I'm petrified of moving boxes. I I can't even put my hands on a box because they give me the chills. Um, probably from the trauma from going back and forth between my mom and my dad's house at an early age. But anyway, um, the women in in the AA, I did not pack a single box when my daughter was six months old in that move. I mean, I just shared in the meeting how I was petrified to move and I I couldn't do it. I didn't know how I was gonna do it. I I I didn't know how to even start packing a box. And I mean, one by one, And I just had women showing up at my door and they packed my entire house and moved me. Mind you, I didn't really have a good idea of where things were when I got there, but I figured it out. And that's what the fellowship does. You know, if you share something that you're struggling with or you share something that you're going through, people show up. And I do, I do that today. I show up for people that are struggling to play it back. So things got really good. My life got great. And I always thought that if I had that white pick event, if I had a great career, if I, you know, if I had a family, if I had good friends, if I was physically fit, you know, if um all those boxes were checked, that I would be able to drink. I'd be able to have a glass of champagne at my wedding. I'd be able to go to a work function and and feel normal to celebrate, you know, a milestone at my job, and and that would be okay. And that's exactly what happened. Uh I was celebrating with my boss and some friends, you know, of my achievements and our achievements as a team, et cetera. And they he ordered a really nice bottle of wine. And I just thought I was grown up enough. I'm like, I'm grown up now. I've got a kid that I've taken care of by myself. You know, I'm self-supporting. Um, my life is really good. You know, a lot of the boxes were checked, and I'm like, I should be okay to drink. And I I sipped that wine, and within 20 minutes, I was. I mean, I don't even know if it was 20 minutes. I think I went to the bathroom after that first sip or two, and I called my friend who was a dealer and asked him where he was because I needed loaf. So that's how fast I got back to where I was from the elusive thinking that I was grown up and I could drink normally, to after one sip, running to the bathroom and calling my friend who happened to be in the same city not too far away from me. And after dinner, I was just, I remember just being so on edge, just biting, you know, like my meals, just like, oh my gosh, when am I going to be able to get out of here to go get my drug? I couldn't come fast enough. So that then became my story for quite some time, you know. Um being a mom, being that mom, being that mom who was chopping up lines, being that mom who was drinking and driving, being that mom who was letting her kid, you know, being stuck in a house and not taking her to the park because she didn't want to go outside and see the sunlight because she'd been doing blow all night long. Being that mom who would get in the car and drive to a dealer with my daughter in the car because I needed my drug. And that didn't stop for 14 years. So I had the the by the grace of God when I got pregnant with my daughter, the desire to binge and purge was lifted from me. Um I that was my bargaining chip with God actually. To I said, you know, I I'm not gonna at least do this. I I thought I was not gonna use the drugs and alcohol anymore, but but at the very least, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna kill myself with food anymore because I need to make sure that that baby is getting enough nutrients to to be okay, even if I did use drugs the first part of my pregnancy. So that was lifted for me. But it definitely made the alcohol and the drugs um put them in full swing. And you know, my life got really good. I got married. I was a highly functioning addict and alcoholic. Um, my first husband, we we did blow together the first night we met, and he said this is not gonna be part of our part of our relationship, and so I'm not gonna do that. And I said, Well, don't you tell me what to do? I'm like, Don't you tell me that you know I can't do what I want to do, don't interfere with my drug use. You want the picture perfect wife and the trophy wife, don't you tell me that I can't do drugs? And that was the agreement, and he did it. He said, Okay, but I don't want you buying it. Well, I did that all the time, and um, I don't want you having me in the house, and I did that all the time. I just hit it really well. So um I we moved to Seattle, you know. Like I said, I was highly functioning. I it did it took a back seat in Seattle because I didn't know any drug dealers up there. I I started, I started working, you know, uh physically on myself for an autoimmune disorder, autoimmune disease that I had. Life got really good. Um uh, you know, I had all the boxes checked. I mean, just everything. And I was just miserable inside my marriage. It was not a happy marriage, it was a marriage marriage that I thought that I needed to arrive. And it was a loveless marriage in the end. And then when it, you know, when I realized that I had just done another geographic and I placed another person in my life, you know, that wasn't person for me, I started getting drugs shipped to me. So I've been on a drunk, I've been on a long uh drunk and drug along. But the bottom line is um that marriage fell apart. I was almost, I I don't know if there was a day. There was probably a couple days here and there if we would go on vacation that I wasn't using, but I never went anywhere without drugs. Uh when we would go on vacation, if it was in the US, I would get them shipped to me so that they would be. I I never wanted to show up anywhere and not have my drugs. I couldn't imagine it. I I couldn't fathom having to go somewhere without something if I needed it. And I needed it all the time. Um when I moved back to Los Angeles from Seattle, it got even worse. And it it got to a point where I was brokering deals and basically getting free cocaine and ending up with a big hole in my nose. And putting myself in more situations where I was getting raped. Um I think I got raped about three times, and each time that happened, I just kept feeling, you know, worse and worse about myself. So um during COVID, the alcohol uh just became rampant, you know, not having to go to work because I was furloughed, it was okay to have a drink first thing in the morning. And I just couldn't believe when I looked in, when I looked in the mirror, you know, after COVID had been in full swing after about six months, who I was. Uh I didn't look the same. I couldn't, I couldn't physically function without alcohol. I was shaking so bad. And then the funny thing is I would tell my friends, you know, whenever we go somewhere, you better just have a shot for me. Like they knew that wherever we went or anytime I showed up somewhere, I needed a shot and a half. Like, and I always measured it because I was measuring my alcohol. I didn't want to get out of control. But I was shaking so badly I couldn't function. I needed to drink every freaking hour. And I mean, I was only, you know, in my 40s. Uh my dad died of alcoholism at 76. And I always thought that at least I would have another 30 years of being able to drink uh before I got to that point. Um, we're coming up on Father's Day, and my dad relapsed obviously because he died of alcoholism. Uh, and he drank for about the last 20 years of his life, and we we spent a uh a week in the ICU with him, and he was on dialysis, and he was an alcoholic, and he needed his alcohol so bad that I smuggled him a bottle of vodka to the hospital on his birthday week before he died, and that was becoming me. I couldn't believe it. So there were a lot of bad things that happened leading up to my using. I felt like there was a train that was coming down a track. This was a vision I kind of had before I went to treatment, and that train was like and it had this bright light that was coming for me. And I always felt like it was death for some reason. Um, right before I decided to go to treatment. I just I just felt like everything was gonna fall apart. You know, I had bought a house, I was gonna lose, I was gonna lose my job because I was lying and not showing up for work. Um, my relationship, my poor boyfriend, I put him in jail because I had a nosebleed from cocaine. And the cop showed up because my friend called the fire department and about it. And, you know, they took him to jail because they thought he had beaten me and he had it. Um and that wasn't enough to get me sober. Uh I was, you know, I was kicking him out of my house constantly. The police were coming. I mean, it was just something was gonna happen. I was getting in bad situations on the freeway with my daughter, you know, car engines burning up and having to cross the freeway in the middle of the night um because of my decision making. Just all the decisions were so, so bad. And I still thought that it was normal. I was just like, this stuff is just happening to me. And I knew that my life would be different if I stopped drinking and using, but I just didn't see that there was an alternative. I didn't know how I was gonna stop. There was just nothing that could stop me. I just needed it. There was no way I could function. And I didn't even know that I needed to go to treatment. But something happened when I went to visit my boyfriend, and I thought his alcoholism in full swing. And um uh I slept with his best friend that was working for him at the time when I was intoxicated and something had gone down with us. And uh the guy took advantage of me for sure, but it just made me feel so sick about myself because this definitely was a man that I love and continue to love. Um, and uh I think it was just too much for me. And that wouldn't have happened had I not been high. It wouldn't have happened had I not been drunk, even though maybe I didn't perpetrate it. It definitely was my fault. It was my decision making, and that was enough to make me so feel so crappy about myself, like I was just the worst person on the planet. Um, that I just decided that I couldn't live like this anymore. My life was never gonna go anywhere. I was not, I was not gonna achieve anything than looking for that drink or looking for that drug and never feeling okay. I mean, I tried so many different combinations. Geez, I would go out to a party and I'd be like, I would see other people like enjoying their drinks, and that just wasn't me. I was like, okay, I need to have the drink this way, that way, it needs to be perfectly. Everything had to be perfect in my drug and my alcohol use. I would try to manipulate it to a point where I would find the perfect combination to make me feel okay, and it never made me feel okay. So uh now uh everything makes me feel okay. Um I uh I had a spiritual experience not too long ago, actually. I I I ended up having to go to treatment and my detox was so bad I thought I was gonna die. I mean, I I was hallucinating, I was shaking, I thought I had to take you to the hospital. I couldn't believe I had gotten that far. Um and I needed that 30 days, you know. I uh some people can come in here and just go to meetings. That was not my story. I I had I I needed intervention. I needed to be in a place where I had to completely detach from everything that I knew and just get, you know, down to to kind of like the nitty-gritty and re-establish some kind of relationship with God and find where God was and finding where I had been. Um and uh I went to treatment and I remember when I was in treatment, you know, I'm always I I am a bit of an overachiever. So when I do something, I I either either do it, it's either like all the way or no or none of the way, right? And so I remember, you know, the Zoom thing. I I've been working on Zoom a lot for work, like because I work remotely and I work from home. And I just remember thinking what a gift it was that AA had Zoom because now the thing that took me out the first time when I moved and I relocated um uh in my sobriety, and then I ended up drinking with my boss, was that I left my fellowship and I didn't re-establish a new one because that was too scary for me to do it all over again, right? With people that I didn't know. And so this time on Zoom, I was, you know, about 10 days after I was sober, I was getting on Zoom and looking at all the people in those little, you know, Hollywood, like Hollywood Squares, and like, oh my gosh, I need to find a sponsor. I need to find a sponsor, I gotta get a sponsor. I can't, I I find that in my sobriety, if I write something down, I'm really adamant about doing a gratitude list in the morning. And if I write something down in the morning, I do like a daily devotional where I talk to God about what he wants me to be for the day and how I can be of service. And if I'm struggling with something, you know, what what should my next indicated step be? And then please place it in front of me. It's kind of my daily conversation with God in the morning after my, you know, like prayer and meditation, etc. And I find that the answers come. And they may not be the answers that I want, but they're definitely the answers that I need at the time. And, you know, that morning I put on paper that I I wrote it down, I put on paper that I wanted, I needed to find a sponsor that day. And then I shared it in my group. And then sure enough, you know, I'm sitting there in that Zoom meeting and I didn't even, the woman didn't even share. I was just like, it was just like doo-doo doo doo-doo doo, and it just landed on her. I was like, that's gonna be my sponsor. Like God literally just pointed my finger in that direction. And like I said, she didn't even share, I didn't even say a word. I just saw her face. And so I experienced a lot of those god shots, and I experienced those when I'm open and I'm willing to listen, and when I do my prayer and meditation, and when I write, and then when I I I um vocalize it, you know, I share it with another alcoholic or I share it with somebody. Um, and I have to say that that it tends to happen, and that's kind of the magic of this program. Um, I found a sponsor and she's amazing. She's uh she's a godful sponsor. She always brings it back to God. She's totally quirky and and kind of strange like me. And I get to be really honest with her, and I'll never forget the first time I was going through my uh when I was going through my, I think it was my first or second step and and and reading to her my writing. Um, and then you know, something came up, a resentment came up that I couldn't hold. And because I've done the steps before, you know, I I can obviously do like a you know little quick thought check inventory. And so I did that with her. And she was, you know, after I had written down what I what I had written, and then she's like, okay, are you being honest? And she goes, and she was trying to pull it out of me. And I looked at what I was written, and I was like, what I put on paper I thought was pretty honest. But when I opened up my heart and was completely vulnerable, I found that there was a different message about what that I was self-seeking, you know. Um, if I really got honest, the reason that resentment came up was because I was self-seeking. And that's pretty much the thread in everything my in everything in my life when I'm not happy or when I'm not satisfied or when I'm not able to maintain my serenity. It's because I have some self-seeking motive that is not aligned with God's will for me and God's plan for me. And it's so it causes me to get disgruntled, it causes me to get uneasy, um, and it causes me to get uncomfortable in my own skin. And then something happens, and then then I'm like, yep, there it is. There's that's why that resentment happened. So I I've had some some Godshot experience I want, and I do want to share another one because it was it was pretty profound. Um, you know, I I still had the even when I got here, you know, I still had these thoughts, well, if you know, once once I just don't do cocaine anymore, I should be able maybe to have a drink, right? And we know where that gets us because I did that experiment. And so I'm sitting in a meeting and um my morning meeting, and I have a home group and I love my home group and I do it, you know, I I race to that home group for relief. It's like I need to go get my fix. And that fix is Alcoholics Anonymous. That fixes my 7 a.m. meeting. Um, and you know, I love that actually. But I was sitting in the meeting and I was thinking to myself, God, I've got that mushroom bar in my in my back fridge. Maybe I'll just be able to do mushrooms. You know, they talk about microdosing and all this stuff, and maybe that would be a good idea. Um, you know, that might be fun sometime. Let's see if I could just do that. So I'm just gonna hold on to that chocolate bar that's in my uh in my refrigerator, my garage. And all of a sudden, you know, I'm sitting there thinking about it, and this girl comes up to me in the meeting and she's like, Oh, hi. And she, you know, I was a newcomer and she I started chatting with me, and she's like, Yeah, I just came back after eight years, and she was sharing with me. And I'm like, Well, I said her, well, what took you out? She's like, mushroom. And I was like, of course it's I was like, Thank God. Okay, all right, I got the message. Thank you very much. I got the memo, I'll get rid of it. And she goes, Yeah, I thought that mushrooms might be a good idea next thing you know. I had a needle in my arm. And here I am. And I'm like, okay, well, let's check that box up. Can't do mushrooms again. All right, okay, get rid of that. And that happens to me a lot. Um, and then you know, whenever I'm willing actually to listen for the message, uh, it always comes. Um, and if I'm in if I'm in enough pain to where I know that I can't fix it myself, I have to get in a lot of pain to be a lot of spiritual and and anguish, you know, to just to try to try to not control a situation, to try to not manipulate a situation or people, places, and things that aren't serving me at the time and drive me crazy. Um I had another, you know, God-shot experience where you know I'm in a relationship with somebody who I think we should be saying speak for. Um he begs a different, that's okay for right now. I I do love him anyway. And um uh, you know, there was just that another night where I, you know, the another night where it was I couldn't control his drinking, he was, you know, drunk, passed out somewhere, God just doing what, whatever, and I'm you know, trying to say, but if only it was this way or that way, if I could do this or do that, and I just was exhausted. It's just enough already. I can't take it anymore, I can't, I can't do it anymore. God, please, please remove, remove this defect of character. And I just prayed, and I prayed with all the earnestness at my command to just to remove it from me and so that I could get some freaking relief, so I could just be with God, right? And know that that was just gonna be enough for me. And no matter what, it was gonna be enough, anything in my life, that that just having God and being aligned with God was gonna be enough to fill me up. And I literally, it was that same floating feeling where I just felt like a blanket was um rested on my shoulders and enveloped me with just this feeling of love, like a big hug. And it and there was a voice that said, You're gonna be okay no matter what, you're gonna be okay. And I find when I get uncomfortable enough and I'm really willing to turn it over and surrender, that that's the relief I get. And uh I like to keep that going, you know. I I I definitely feel the best. Like that that's the way that I maintain my sobriety. I have to be uncomfortable and willing enough to turn things over that I may not want to, so that I can have that serenity, so that I can go out and be of service, so that I can have, you know, a happy, joyous, and free life, life from, you know, walking in the sunlight of the spirit. And I I definitely feel that sunlight of the spirit, not just in me when I'm aligned with God, but I I feel it in other people, and you know, just being honest and sharing things with them at a meeting with Alcoholics Anonymous, and and nobody understands me like you guys do. You know, I I can I can tell you the worst things about myself, and it's okay, because chances are you've been through that too, and you're gonna share something with me that's gonna get me through another day and keep my seat in this program and you know, keep aligning myself with the spiritual way of living, because I have conceded to my you know innermost self that uh I am thoroughly convinced that I'm an alcoholic. There's there's never gonna be enough alcohol for me. There's never gonna be enough fixes for me to feel better when I'm not aligned with God and when I'm not helping another alcoholic, you know, I can I can still do what I need to do for me on a daily basis, but if I'm not carrying the message, you know, faith without works, like they say, is dead. I mean, if I'm not carrying the message and reaching out to help that one other person who may in turn help one other person, then in my opinion, I don't deserve a seat in this program. And this program has saved my life. I mean, in a very short amount of time. You know, I my my outlook and my attitude has definitely changed. I'm embarking on a uh in a business venture with my mother, and it was everything that I hated about my mother's business when I was younger. I felt like it took away from us. I I felt like I just hated it. It was, it was, and it's a very successful business. And I had the gift of, you know, two months in my sobriety, her saying to me, she looked at me and she saw that I was working on myself and that I was sober now, and I really meant it. Like, are you ready? And I was like, huh? And I was scared at first, and I have to say, I mean, it's been the biggest gift because my attitude and my outlook has changed. I mean, now I know why my mom is the way she is. I mean, she and and I'm actually having fun with it because I'm viewing it in a totally different way. And and that that's nothing's changed about the business. Everything's changed in me and my my relationship have changed. I mean, I've I've helped another one of my best friends, she got she got sober. She followed me into the program because she saw how it was changing me in a short amount of time, and she had been sober before. We never talked about that when we were drinking and using together, and lo and behold, you know, a month after me, I'm putting her in detox. And even, you know, where relationships may have been toxic for me, they're now maybe not as toxic, um, or they're healing. And that has nothing to do with the dynamic of the relationship, except that, you know, I'm changing because of this program. And um I know that I have to defend my sobriety with everything I have. I know that I have to go to meetings, I know that I have to work my steps, even when I bocket it or I'm tired. I know I gotta get right with God in the morning, and I know I gotta be honest and keep my side of the street clean, because that's when I feel most comfortable. And that is what I was looking for all my life. So uh with that, I think that I think I've shared enough. Um, but for the newcomers out there, just take a seat and just uh if you're not willing, just pray for willingness because if you pray hard enough and you need it, it's gonna come. Thank you for letting me share.

SPEAKER_00 43:58

Thank you, Lynn. I appreciate it. Your honesty, that was quite a bit to get off your chest. And I you know, listening to you thinking, okay, let's think. So February is your new sobriety date, and this looks like it's your third round. And when you're talking about how you have to get really uncomfortable before you ask for help, like I promise that the amount of discomfort that comes before you ask for help will get less and less. So you won't wait until you're in so much pain before you, you know, I am finding that.

SPEAKER_01 44:36

Yeah, I am finding that. You're right. No, and and that is that is growth, progress. Absolutely. I I share that with my sponsor actually. I'm like, wow, look at me with my big girl panties on. I did it this way already instead of waiting that long until I was like, ah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:50

Yeah. Cause I didn't remember I didn't realize that until you were sharing. I'm like, wow, yeah, I used to have to I used to have to feel the burn before I would say, okay, I need help. And that makes me think of your, you know, the eating disorder. And I've had a run of people, um, mostly or only ladies on Keep Coming Back that are sharing, some still struggling in sobriety with their it's usually bulimia. Um, but I'm sure anorex, I'm sure there's some crossover there. Just control eating, right? So I just want to tell you, I I don't know, it broke my heart when you were talking about how people would judge you and think that's disgusting, or I'm not sure what words you used exactly, but I would never think that about bulimia or or any other eating disorder, right? Like so if you shared in the rooms, I would I would see you as brave and strong. And I don't know how and I know you said that it was removed for you with your pregnancy and whatnot, but I don't know how difficult that struggle would be, but I imagine it's you have to eat. But then you have a I I just like it, I just I cannot imagine the struggle that that that you went through or that others go through. And I really appreciate you sharing.

SPEAKER_01 46:17

Yeah, I mean it's the it's I think it's the same. It's like you're afraid of food, but you have to do it. And it's the same thing with alcohol and drugs. You're you're almost afraid of alcohol and drugs, but you have to do it. You know, I mean it's it's it's the same. Um, but I my heart goes out to, you know, anybody that struggles with that still, because I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, and I see my daughter um kind of going down that path, and it's really difficult to watch. And there's nothing I can do really to help her except be honest with her. And I I will share with you that my relationship with my daughter now, um, she wants to come and visit me and she wants to see me and and I am honest with her about those things, and I think that it it gives her a good place to come and and you know, I can be that mom where I don't have to be a shame I don't have to feel ashamed for what I've been through because chances are she's gonna be going through it too. She's you know, she's got a lot of genes in her from both sides like that. So hopefully I can be, you know, hopefully I can be an example for her.

SPEAKER_00 47:18

I think that's the best thing that we can do. I know my mother tried to warn me over and over. There's nothing anybody could have said or done to me to make me stop the path I was on. However, they could have given me an example of how it could be if if I did something different. I didn't know that there was any other life but using and drinking and escaping. I didn't know and I would have best been taught by seeing it happen, and that's like the whole living amends that you're doing now. So um you talked about feeling this need to connect with something when you were talking about escaping. You just kind of said it in one quick sentence, but I caught it because I relate to it so much. So you'd want to escape or feel different, but then you also threw in this to feel connected with something. And for me, my higher power, and you talked about going to your meetings, and this is your like your fix and your high. And do you find that with your higher power? Do you find that connection is giving you because I was like all the love songs I used to listen to, thinking of, and like you talk about white picket fins, and I wanted the husband and the white picket fins and all of that. And every love song to some future man that I was gonna meet is almost like a love song to my higher power now, like that connection, that deep connection I wanted, I thought I can find in a man, but really it was just about me and the universe connecting.

SPEAKER_01 48:52

I feel um, I feel God in a lot of different ways. You know, my my God is the universe, the spirit, nature, you know, the ocean. Um, it's it's the energy that flows between human beings. I mean, I feel when I've been in out a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and there's a hundred people on the beach, and we go around and we all identify as an alcoholic if everybody says states their truth. I feel God. I feel I feel a thread of God being woven and I feel part of. And I think God a lot for me is feeling a part of, just like you said, like a part of the universe. So I definitely get that that connection. When I meditate, I can I can get pretty high up meditating um and kind of out of my body. Uh and and I think I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I think it is if you're if you're seeking it um from God rather than from, you know, obviously drugs or alcohol or other things. Um, I don't know if that answers your question at all, but I definitely like I could feel it through music, you know, when when everybody identifies with the same song, you know. I don't know. I I think God to me is a lot is a lot of energy, you know. Um it's not necessarily like a but but when I write, when I write and I journal and I do my devotion, it's always to God. I always call the thing God, but God has a lot takes on a lot of different forms with me. And then in the end, God is everything.

SPEAKER_00 50:23

For more information, read the first 164 pages of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous or visit keepcoming back.net