Raising Kids Who Don’t Leave The Church When They Leave Home PART 2 ::[Ep. 299]

Headlines say church is shrinking, but the bigger story is personal: will our kids still love Jesus when they leave our home? We tackle the myths and get specific about what actually keeps young adults rooted—starting with genuine salvation, daily Scripture habits, and real service that turns them from consumers into contributors.

We break down the difference between belief and belonging, unpack why 1 Corinthians 12 makes isolation a losing strategy, and show how Ephesians 4 equips families to grow through truth spoken in love. You’ll hear how clarifying research on church attendance and divorce reframes the narrative, why online stand-ins can’t replace embodied discipleship, and how small acts of service—yes, even running slides at eight—train courage, humility, and ownership. We make the case that local church community doesn’t just rescue marriages in crisis; it prevents crisis by surrounding couples with counsel, accountability, and friendships that align with Scripture.

If you want your son or daughter to keep meeting with God’s people, start now: ask for their testimony in writing, set Bible reading benchmarks together, and place them in roles that stretch their gifts. Model respect for volunteers, show your weaknesses, and invite accountability. Faithfulness is our call; outcomes belong to God. Listen, share this with another parent who needs a plan, then subscribe and leave a review to help more families build biblically healthy marriages and raise kids who stay rooted in Christ.

Chapters

• 0:00 Setting The Stakes With Data
• 1:11 Polls, Divorce Myths, And Reality
• 3:10 Why Kids Leave And What To Do
• 5:11 Salvation First, Then Purpose
• 8:18 Church As Christ’s Body Explained
• 11:20 From Consumers To Contributors
• 14:05 Fundraising Break And Ministry Needs
• 15:10 Milk, Meat, And Self-Feeding Faith
• 18:20 Why Local Church Beats Substitutes
• 21:10 Anti-Isolation And Ephesians 4
• 24:05 Maturity, Holiness, And Accountability

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:00

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. The mission of Vows to Keep is to help couples develop a biblically healthy marriage through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. They desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now, here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

SPEAKER_02: 0:21

We're in a two-part series on parenting, specifically talking about the church. Now, in case you've been living under a rock, the church of the United States, boy, membership has just been trending the wrong way. And big time, actually. The church needs a shot in the arm, but more importantly than that, our kids need Jesus. The data shows the need, but this is about the future generations of your family. That's why we're here today. Will you see your great grandchildren someday in heaven? How and why does the body of Christ, as this church, fit into their future? Last time, we spent some time talking about that doom and gloom data, and I'm not saying that anyone had ill intent. Pull data is hard to capture well and it's easy to be used in a misleading way. But here's the numbers from Gallup. In 1999, 70% of Americans claimed that they belonged to a church. In 2020, that number is just 47%. Now this is bad, but keep in mind, this poll was done during COVID. Did that affect it? I'm not thinking so. Now there's other misleading poll data that's discouraging couples who are not only considering church, but also marriage. There's research done by Barna a few years ago that seemed to say the rate of divorce in the church was basically the same as outside of the church.

SPEAKER_00: 1:45

According to Shanti Feldhan, who wrote a book to right the wrongs about this topic, the Barna data actually found the rate of divorce is not the same. She said when she was investigating the facts for the good news about marriage, her book, George Barna himself, confirmed that his study had been badly misunderstood. Their study was specifically considering people's statements about their belief, church attendance was never taken into account. Ask any random stranger, do you believe in God? A lot of them will say yes. Do you go to church? Well, no, but I'm doing fine. The fact is, you can be a Christian and not attend church. Does going to church make you a Christian? No. Here's the deal. The research did show that professing Christians who go to church regularly are in fact much less likely to get a divorce. Feldon partnered with the Barner Group and re-ran all the numbers to see what happened to divorce rates for people who actually went to church the week before, and the divorce rate dropped 27% compared to non-attenders.

SPEAKER_02: 2:42

There's a saying by Mark Twain that seems fitting. Facts are stubborn, but statistics are pliable. I, like others I know, left home and then shortly thereafter stopped attending church. Why does this happen? Want to encourage you to go back and listen to our last broadcast. We talked about why so many of our adult kids are going to choose to walk away from the church when they leave home. If this is one of your greatest fears as a parent, that your child would leave your house and then leave God's house as well, you're in the right place.

SPEAKER_00: 3:14

It's a big problem. That's what these stats are saying. So what do we do about this? Well, I'm glad you asked because today we're going to dwell on what God's word says is the purpose for church, and therefore what your responsibility is now in teaching this to your kids. We're glad you're here today for today's episode of Vows to Keep Radio, the show where you get sound biblical counsel you can apply immediately to your marriage, and this time to your kids. We're your hosts, David and Tracy Sellers of Vows to Keep. We are biblical marriage counselors, we're authors, teachers, radio hosts, conference speakers, and podcast hosts. If you want to get back to being on fire for your spouse and for God, let's start the conversation.

SPEAKER_02: 3:51

Read the Bible cover to cover, and what you won't find in the Bible is the encouragement to be a churchless Christian. You see, God made believers and non-believers both to be in church. Today is a lot of truth, and it's truth that you need to share with your kids. First and foremost is the truth that they need to be saved. You see, too many parents make this assumption that their kids have actually made a decision to make Jesus their Lord and Savior, only to find out that when they're 18, when they're 19, after they've left the home, that that decision never actually was made. Do you know your child is a believer? If so, this weekend help them flesh this out. Even if you're unsure, either way, ask your child to document their testimony in black and white. Put it on paper. And if they can't do that or if they're scared, you know what? It's okay. Be intentional though with what comes next. Your kids need to know that church isn't a safe place that we go just to hide from the world. It's not a place we go to hang out with people. You know what? Among other things, it's a place we go to organize our outreach into this world. Your kids need to know God's purpose for their life. This will always reduce distraction and drift. You need to know that they are saved, not just people who attend church. Because going to church, going to youth group, even knowing truth doesn't mean your child is saved. So many teens are just absorbed in this world. Do your kids know that their life is not their own? It's not about how they look or how the world views them. Help them to get to know that by inviting them to share their testimony. And you know what? You can share your own with them. What happened that led you to make a decision for Christ? What did God teach you to bring him to him? Maybe you've never made this decision yourself. Being an unbeliever right now isn't fatal, but it is not a place to stay. Whether it's you or your child, the lies of this world have real impacts on our lives. Don't buy that lie that your child is broken. The world wants to label your kids with unmovable clinical problems, and they may not have them. Without purpose, a lot of life can pass before we realize just how lost and pointless life has become. If you can't tell the story of how your son or daughter came to know the Lord, you should generally assume that evangelism is now your utmost responsibility. Now, once your child knows Christ as their savior, your job is to teach your kids their purpose through God's eyes, for his kingdom. Get real practical. And I wish we had time today to delve into this. I don't, but church will only make sense in the context of their overall life mission. It's going to be tough to help them on things that you yourself don't know, though. And so that means you've got to know God's word. God qualifies the call, he's not calling the qualified. That includes you, parent, listening to me here and now.

SPEAKER_00: 6:58

Back in the Old Testament, the temple was a place to go to atone for sin. That's really hard for us to imagine these days, but they would go there and make sacrifices for their sin. And of course, to pray and to praise, remembering what God had done. But perhaps the most important reason they went was to be in God's presence. This is before the Holy Spirit came. So this is where God would meet his people. A lot has changed since the Old Testament was written. But one thing that's not changed is that it's still just as important for Christians to be tied into a local church. You're not going to find an author in either the New Testament or the Old Testament speak well or give props to someone who claims to be a Christ follower and is going it alone, who's not connected to Christ's body. The first fact that you need to teach your kids today is that isolation is not God's plan, it's Satan's game. Your kids need to know that the Bible makes no case for the Christian life lived alone. The Bible makes it clear to us that our involvement in a local church is necessary. Listen to 1 Corinthians chapter 12. It says the human body has many parts, but the many parts make up one whole body. So it is with the body of Christ. We all have been baptized into one body by one spirit, and we all share the same spirit. Yes, the body has many different parts, not just one part. Verse 15 of 1 Corinthians 12 says, If the foot says, I'm not part of the body because I'm not a hand, that doesn't make it any less part of the body. And if the ear says, I'm not part of the body because I'm not an eye, would that make it any less part of the body? Verse 17 says, If the whole body were an eye, how would you hear? Or if your whole body were an ear, how would you smell anything? But our bodies have many parts, God tells us. And God has put each part just where he wants it. How strange a body would be if it only had one part. The eye can never say to the hand, I don't need you. The head can't say to the feet, I don't need you. Verse 22 goes on, in fact, some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary, and the parts we regard as less honorable are those we clothe with the greatest care. So God has put the body together so that extra honor and care are given to those parts that have less dignity. This makes for harmony among the members so that all the members care for each other. If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it. If one part is honored, all the parts are glad. And verse 27, all of you together are Christ's body, and each of you is a part of it.

SPEAKER_02: 9:25

Let's get real practical. Paul is making the case that each member is necessary and irreplaceable. And if you want to know how to help your kids not leave God's house when they leave your house, make sure you've taught your children that you, that they are a part of this church, not as a consumer, but as a collaborative part, functioning in their giftedness. Because sadly, we do exactly what Paul says we can't. The eye can't say, Hey, I got no need for the feet. The feet can't claim because I'm not an eye, oh, I'm really not that important. I'm not a part of the body. But you know what? We do this all the time. Every time we walk in those doors expecting only to be served, we've done that. So what I'm asking is, do your life choices show your kids that in the body of Christ, every part is necessary, that every part is respected, that you're not making fun of the poor person who's trying and failing to run the slides, or the Sunday school teacher who is simply wrung out when you go and pick up your kids. Instead, you're thinking about how could I actually jump in and help here? That is the example your kids need from you now. Let me explain a very important lesson that I learned a number of years ago when my older two kids were three and four years old. Tracy was on very strict bed rest, she was pregnant with our third child, and one day I was rung out from a long day at work. And so I asked our little kids to help me do the dishes. And strangely enough, they loved it. They were excited to show me how they could safely take plates off the table and put them in the dishwasher. Now, of course, there was risk that they would break a plate. My point is that unless I took a chance on a broken dish, I would have never known that they actually could help. That they would from that point forward help every single night. So are you helping your kids today, at whatever stage that they're at, understand their part in the church? Not by asking, like, well, would you like to do this? What sounds good to you, but by actually putting them in a position to serve. Have them try many roles, have them try things that seem out of reach. I'll give you an example. My son started running slides during worship in our church when he was about eight years old. And it wasn't perfect. He made mistakes, but he also learned that he was able to do something that was essential to that church's function. And he loved serving. It was an honor to him. But he also learned that there was no age where serving suddenly becomes mandatory. It's a choice we make from the very beginning. Like a little Timothy, we've got to encourage growth. We have to encourage not letting fear of failure or being seen by people who are more experienced than you are distract you. When there's hard work to do, say moving something heavy, my arms and legs, well, they do the work. My ears can't. But when there's counsel to be given, my ears do most of the work, listening to the heart of my friend. My arms and legs are basically along for the ride. Now, if you want your kids to be in the church five, ten, fifteen years from now, don't wait for your kids to grow up, to challenge them, to try to do different things in the church, to find their giftedness, to hone it with experience.

SPEAKER_00: 12:32

Hi, this is Tracy from Vows to Keep Radio. We're asking you to help us become fully funded so Vows to Keep has the financial resources to keep sharing hope with marriages like yours. God is growing this ministry tremendously, and the testimonies we hear confirm that God's word does not return void. Right now, we need an additional$6,500 a month. Would you consider becoming a monthly partner with us to build biblically healthy marriages? We're asking 100 families to give$50 a month and 60 families to give$25 a month. Prayerfully make your best gift at vowstokeep.com. In both 1 Corinthians 3 and Hebrews 5, we read about immature believers who wanted more quote unquote milk, even though Paul says they should have been ready for solid food. The King James translation uses the word meat. Sometimes we raise kids who expect to only be fed in church. And they leave the church because they don't get enough meat from the sermons or they don't have their needs met. And while teachers can always be improving, I don't believe we can ever depend on all of our spiritual food coming from sermons. Preachers talk to a wide audience, so you can count on milk. If you are a pastor listening, please don't be offended. We're not digging into what you do. We appreciate what you do.

SPEAKER_02: 13:48

Have you ever thought about what actually makes milk? Now we happen to live near a dairy farm and some would say, well, cows make milk, but I'm talking about the ongoing process. You see, milk comes from food and water going through the cow. It becomes milk after it's been through the cow. The cow's eaten it, it's chewed it, it's processed it, and then out comes something that you can easily drink. Meat, though, that's altogether different because it's something that we have to chew on. It requires work and participation. If you're a mature believer who isn't being fed, don't look for another church. Pick up your Bible. I don't want this to sound harsh. I don't want to sound mean, but your kids are not going to become giants of the faith by hearing better sermons. Again, don't get us wrong, Sunday sermons are great. Your kids will become committed powerhouses for God by drawing closer to Jesus through reading the Bible themselves. And then being held accountable to the choices that match that personal knowledge that they have as a result. Our kids do like we do. So teaching our children how to feed themselves by reading God's word consistently is key. And it can't start too young. You need to know that to keep your kids in church tomorrow, you need to teach them now to have a hunger for spiritual food. One that causes them to see that the church is an important part of the meal, but church might be better seen as a potlock. Or someday they might be asked to bring something for others to eat. So do your kids read the Bible daily? It might feel disingenuous to ask them to do so, but let me suggest this. Start by talking to your kids about how often they think they should be reading God's Word. Should it be ten minutes a day? Should it be three times a week? Whatever it is. Nail down a benchmark that they themselves identify and then ask them what deters you from actually doing that. If it's a lack of understanding, you know what? Meet with them every other night to answer whatever questions they have. If it's a lack of time, ask them what has become too important in their life. Let them cut something out to make room in their schedule for reading the Bible. By the time they're young adults, they will want to start serving and feeding others. It's just a byproduct of knowing God's word to the degree that you don't view yourself as a consumer. For more on this topic, I want to encourage you to go to our website. We've got a great blog post called How Understanding Your Spiritual Growth Deeply Impacts Your Marriage. You can find it at vowstokeep.com.

SPEAKER_00: 16:26

In Ephesians and Colossians, Paul talks about there being joints and ligaments to this body of Christ. We need to supplement each other so that the whole body may grow up. That is so important. And this is why all the local church quote unquote substitutes like attending online when you can go in person, they don't have the nutrients we need to grow the way that God asks us to grow. Can you do church online? Does listening to podcasts like Vows to Keep fill the need? Well, these are good things that you can do on top of attending a local church. But God's plan A for discipleship and growth is the local church. He doesn't have a plan B. Do your kids know this? And do they see it modeled by you? Church is so vital for young Christians to see, to experience. Church is vital for Christians to grow and be discipled. On the flip side, Christians, including your kids, are vital for the health of our local churches, not just as a consumer, just sort of ranking the sermons and the music, but as someone serving out their role too. And this takes us to our next point. If you want your kids to still be attending church after they leave your home, they need to be taught that it's through the gatherings of believers that we see and that we know we're not alone. And therefore we don't become discouraged. Being alone is an interesting place for the Christian to be. You've probably been there. When I'm in sin, that's when I want to be alone. I don't want others to see my weakness. Being alone is often part of the gateway that leads to my sin. And Satan loves this. In marriage, being alone is where he breaks you down. And your kids is the same thing. Will someone who is a Christian see your life up close and personal enough that they would see that you're starting to pull away? That is how we stay far from discouragement and just giving up, knowing that someone's got our back, especially in the places we need it most. So, how do we model this anti-isolation? It should first happen within the four walls of our very own house. If you or your husband or your kids, some of you are believers within your home, church can happen right there too. I'm talking about a place for differently gifted people to support each other. Go read what we just talked about a minute ago, Ephesians chapter four. It talks about how God gives apostles and prophets and evangelists and pastors and teachers to equip his people. So what are we tooling up for? Well, Ephesians 4 says for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. Why is this gonna matter in your child's life when they become an adult? Well, listen to verse 14. Then we'll no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, blown here and there by every wind of teaching, and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Verse 15 instead, speaking the truth in love, we're gonna grow up to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is Christ. Then we get this little bit of warning. Watch out, don't be like the world. The next section says, Don't live as the Gentiles do in the futility of their thinking. They're darkened in their understanding, they're separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that's in them due to the hardening of their hearts, and they've lost all sensitivity. You see, without well-grounded Christians in close community, it's so easy to have a hard heart, to lose that sensitivity to Christ. And then what happens? Well, verse 19 says, having lost all sensitivity, they've given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, and they're full of greed. Will your kid experience these things the second they leave your home and move away to college or to take that first job? You bet they will. And verse 20 goes on to hammer the point of attending church weekly. He says, That, however, is not the way of life you learned when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that's in Jesus. You were taught with regard to your former way of life to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by his deceitful desires, and to be made new in the attitude of your mind, and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Going to church is important because truth is spoken from God's word and accountability happens from people who love God and they're close enough to you, they're close enough to your kids to help us stay on course. That's building each other up so that we mature in Christ.

SPEAKER_02: 21:16

I think the main takeaway from the book, The Good News About Marriage, is this that people who actually go to church regularly not only protect their marriages from divorce, they enjoy each other much more. They have happier marriages. And it may seem like a little thing, but according to the data, it turns out that plugging into a community church is one of the most important things you can do for your marriage. Not just if you're in a difficult season, but to actually prevent yourself from getting into difficulties. So why does church matter so much? Although being saved is obviously the leading indicator, people that faithfully attend church suggest that that couple is going to prioritize God first and foremost in their life, which is vital. Turns out though, becoming part of a supportive, encouraging community of Christians in the flesh, regularly attending, sharing life together, having people to turn to for advice does informally and quickly what many outside of the church actually pay professional therapists to do over the course of many years. And since most professional counselors in the world are going to give marital advice that literally flies in the face of God's word, the relationship advice given by well-versed Christians is typically going to serve your child's future marriage better over the long haul. I want to close with this. You are asked to be faithful. Your adult kids, they're asked to do the same. Even the prodigal can be redeemed.

SPEAKER_00: 22:53

If you're wondering where to start, you can always start with prayer. Pray that your own view of church would be correct and that you would live out those convictions so that your kids can live by your example. Pray that God would give you discernment about where your child is gifted so they can be plugged in to the body of Christ. If you or your spouse or your child is isolated, pray for the humility to get into a body of believers so that people would know you well and encourage you to grow in Christ.

SPEAKER_02: 23:24

The outcome is up to God. Like marriage, no matter the outcome, our biblical responsibility is the same. Don't leave church when it gets hard. Have a marriage that shows what a covenant is. A relationship with a church that shows the same. You've got a responsibility to share the truth of Hebrews 10.25 that says, do not give up meeting together if some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another. And all the more as you see the day approaching. You've got the responsibility to not pretend to do church. Don't be fake about this. Show your weakness. Seek accountability in that church. Show the church functions within your life and the kids who learn the same.

SPEAKER_01: 24:15

Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers, and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christ-like marriages includes providing much-needed services regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities but would like to help support Vows2Keep financially, visit VowsTokeep.com and click on the donate link. This program is sponsored by Vows2Keep of Zanesfield, Ohio.