How To Save Your Marriage Alone (With God’s Power) Part 1 :: [Ep 300]

What do you do when your spouse has lost it? We open with the brutal honesty of a spouse who done and the courage required to keep standing. From there, we reframe the core purpose of marriage—holiness over happiness—and unpack what that looks like when wounds are fresh. Drawing on 1 John 4 and 1 Corinthians 13, we explore why love is evidence of knowing God, not a prize for good behavior. Then we get practical: how to use your words to build rather than gossip, how undivided attention beats shared screens, and how gifts, acts of service, and physical touch become pipelines for grace. You’ll hear why “conduit, not source” changes everything, including how you measure progress and protect your heart from burnout.

We don’t avoid the hard turns. Affairs, hard hearts, and cultural pressure to “cut and run” get a clear-eyed treatment, including Jesus’ teaching on divorce and the costly path of forgiveness. We talk safety, boundaries, and the sobering reality that change can be slow—even while God is at work. Through story and Scripture, we make space for grief and then chart a path forward: read the Word until it reads you, practice the fruit of the Spirit when emotions spike, seek wise counsel even if you go alone, and become a living testimony that points to a God who chased us first.

If you’re flying through fog and feeling alone, this conversation offers hope with handles. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs strength for the next step, and leave a review to help more couples find a way back to wholeness.

Chapters

• 0:00 Man Down: Rally To Rescue
• 2:24 Taking Thoughts Captive And Emotions In Check
• 5:20 God’s Purpose: Holiness Over Happiness
• 9:30 Love As A Conduit, Not The Source
• 13:45 Instruments Not Feelings: Guiding Truth
• 18:10 What 1 Corinthians 13 Requires
• 22:35 When Love Isn’t Returned Yet

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:03

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. The mission of Vows to Keep is to help couples develop a biblically healthy marriage through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. They desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now, here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

SPEAKER_02: 0:25

Hey, we are David and Tracy Sellers, and we have made Vows to Keep. We are continuing the discussion today on a series titled How to Save Your Marriage Alone. And we're going to start today's broadcast by talking about the term man down.

SPEAKER_01: 0:41

Now, man down is a phrase that refers back to the military where a soldier in your group has been shot and they are lying on the ground. And when soldiers hear that phrase over the radio, they know that it is time to rally to rescue. In battle, we do not leave the fallen behind. And this series is for a special group of listeners. They're dealing with a marriage where there is a man down. There's a war going on within and now for your marriage. The battle is raging and your spouse is down. They've lost the ability to fight. They don't even believe your marriage can be saved. They've given up. There's no hope. They're in need of rescue. They are dealing with mission impossible. Everyone around them is telling them, it's not possible, that there is no hope. But you, you are committed to your marriage. You're committed to being godly. Even when people ask you, Well, what are you going to do about this? How will you change? You know that success means you will have to save your marriage with only God's help. Today we're talking to the group of people that have prayed that they would find a third choice, that they wouldn't lean into divorce, that they wouldn't stay in status quo, but instead they would work for a marriage that would be restored into something better than it ever was before. So with all this in mind, we reached to answer the question: how do you save your marriage by yourself? Well, it's with an amazing God. And what we talked about in our first show was the first step in a series of successive biblical concepts that you need to apply in your marriage. So last week we talked about how to take your thoughts captive and how to prepare for your reactions. And it's all about becoming biblically wise, soaking in God's word and taking captive the thoughts and rejecting the thoughts that are not true, that allow you to have a reaction that still shows Christ's love even in the face of hurt and pain and agony. The second point we talked about last week was how to overcome the static of your emotions and even the emotions of your friends, people that might ridicule you for the choice that you're making to stay biblical and to stay God's, to stay committed to your marriage, even when your spouse has committed great atrocities against you. So our focus for today is going to be to understand the purpose of your marriage. And I'm not talking about your purpose, I'm talking about God's purpose, and then finally how to love like a conduit and stop believing that you are a source of that love.

SPEAKER_02: 3:22

Recently, David and I watched a film produced by Billy Graham Ministries titled Flying Blind. If you've got a chance to watch it, I encourage you to do that. You can find it online. It depicts three or four families that are in this airplane, and the airplane is the life that they're living. They're living by only what they can see, really by only what they can feel. And that's how many of us are in our marriages. As long as this marriage is giving me what I want, you know what? I'm doing pretty good. I'm just flying along. My feelings are how I judge my direction and how I steer my plane. My emotional highs and lows, those equate to the tone and the pitch of my marital flight. In the cockpit of a plane, there are gauges that tell us what our altitude is, what our speed and our pitch are. These are actual factual readings. They're not a guesstimate based upon our emotions. Too many of us think we're sailing along, we're riding high, but really we're in a fog. We're confused, we're lost, and there's danger ahead. Some of us are the spouse in the marriage who's blissfully ignorant, we're in denial that the other person has been pushing down on the controls very subtly, but for a long time, and we've got no clue that there's a crash about to happen. Some couples have a spouse who knows the plane is in trouble, but they really don't know that it's actually them that can help to save it. Instead, they put on their parachute and they're getting ready to jump out of that airplane. There are surely storms in marriage. There's gonna be some bumps in this flight, but undisciplined feelings cause plane crashes. God's word and the fruit of the Holy Spirit is like looking at the instruments in the cockpit for a pilot. They help us gauge how to react. God's word is our instrument panel. Read it daily, read it hourly if you need to. When our emotions are all over the place, that can equal panic. And in our panic, we can do really dumb things, really ungodly things. It's a knee-jerk reaction to how we're being treated. Now I'm not asking you to ignore your feelings. I'm asking you to put them in check with the Word of God. The fruit of the Spirit is found in Galatians 5 22, and it says, The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Stabilize your emotional roller coaster today by becoming a person bearing fruit.

SPEAKER_01: 5:54

So how does this relate to God's purpose for marriage? Well, if my purpose for marriage is my happiness, God's purpose for marriage is holiness. God is love and we are his. God actually uses marriage to shape us to be more like him. In 1 John 4, picking up in verse 7, it says, Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us that God sent his only son to the world so that we might live through him. In this is love. Not that we have loved God, but that he loved us and has sent his son to be the atonement for our sins. So here we are, we're sanctified to love. We don't start out loving the unlovable with ease. And unfortunately, we have to be careful to not declare ourselves incapable because it doesn't come easy. You know what? Sanctification is a process. In fact, it's a long process. Love is very practical, it's very life-altering. Too many marriages operate on the principle that love demanded will result in love delivered. If you don't give me mine, rest assured, you're gonna go high and dry. But that's not God's way. God actually says love given without regard for reciprocation will result in love gotten. Let me read you 1 Corinthians chapter 13. It says, If I have faith it can move mountains, but I do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to the hardship that I may boast, but I do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind, it doesn't envy, it doesn't boast, it's not proud, it does not dishonor others. It does not dishonor others, it's not self-seeking, it's not eagle it's not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, it always trusts, it always hopes, it always perseveres. Verse 8 continues, love never fails, and jumping to verse 13 it says, And now these things, three things remain faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love. So how does love given without regard for reciprocation result in love received? You see, love given to a person when they deserve it the least, shouldn't come from you. I suppose that it can, but I'm asking you to not let it, and I'm gonna help you to know when that's happening. It is at that time the love of our Heavenly Father can be poured right through you into your spouse's life. Galatians 5 22, as Tracy read, the fruit of the Spirit is love. So how do you know whether you are really giving someone the fruit of the Holy Spirit or whether you're giving something from a limited source such as yourself? Here's the question I've learned to ask myself. When I give and I feel more empty afterwards than when I started, I've got to question whose love that was. God will supply the love that you're rejecting, demeaning, hurtful spouse needs if you're just willing to be the plumbing to get it there. And then to a watching world, guess what's gonna happen? They will all ask, not only how, but why.

SPEAKER_02: 9:28

So, how does this relate to God's purpose for your marriage? Marriage is designed to tell a dying world the truth about a God that loves them. And now you've got testimony time. Never lose sight of the purpose of your marriage relationship. If God would reach me in my sinful, dreadful state, if he would give me his love and life, and I'm called to look like him, why would I do anything less? This, my friends, is living out genuine faith. You may not ever change your spouse, but would you be willing to hold out to them a gift? A gift of love just like Christ offered his free gift of salvation to you? Will you come under the authority of God and his word, treating your spouse like God asks you to treat them? Will you repent of your previous actions towards them, your previous reactions, and see that grace and mercy aren't to be taken lightly, but they are to be received and then re-gifted.

SPEAKER_01: 10:31

This is where the rubber meets the road for the world that's watching. When they see a love undeserved that is dedicated, that is free and always available. Boy, they can't help but wonder who is that Jesus? Love given to your spouse without regard for reciprocation will result in fruit. It's going to result in love gotten from the Holy Spirit.

SPEAKER_00: 10:55

Vows to Keep offers the support of biblical counselors to couples wishing to strengthen their marriage. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christ-like marriages includes providing much-needed services regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. Today we ask you to consider financially helping a broken marriage to get whole again. Your gift could change lives. Give your gift to sponsor another couple's journey to a biblically healthy marriage by clicking the donate link at vows2keep.com.

SPEAKER_02: 11:29

So, how does this all work out in our daily lives? How do we get practical about this? Our fourth point and how to save your marriage alone is to love like you're a conduit and stop believing that you're a source of that love. That love that needs to flow to your spouse comes from your Heavenly Father. God's word tells us in Proverbs 18 that our tongue has the power of life and death. So we're going to be challenged with our spouse to express love by using words that build up. Things like, don't you look so incredible in that outfit, honey? Wow. Or you can always make me laugh. Little things that make a big impact. Possibly the deepest human need is the need to feel appreciated. Does your spouse get words of affirmation from you that meet that need, even when they don't deserve it? Equally as important, we can use our mouth to tear down. And many times when we're in a tough marriage situation, it's all about gossiping, sharing things about our spouse, especially their sins, with any ears that are willing to listen. These words tear down our spouse and they lock others against them. If your spouse is going to overcome their sin, you must give your husband or your wife the long-term runway to do that. It may take longer than you think, but you're headed toward a great goal.

SPEAKER_01: 12:55

Next, in being someone who is the plumbing of the love and not the source of love, you need to be someone who's willing to give your undivided attention. I don't mean sitting down on the couch and watching TV together. When you spend time that way, whether it's Netflix or HBO, that device, that TV has got your attention, not your spouse. What I'm talking about is TV off, looking at each other, talking, devices put away, undivided attention. For Tracy and I, we find that walking and talking is a really great way to do that. Time is a precious commodity. And if your spouse's primary love language is quality time, she simply wants you to be with her, spending that time.

SPEAKER_02: 13:38

Maybe your spouse's love language is more in the gifts category. Would they be touched by your generosity, especially when they know they have not earned it? A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, look, he was thinking about me, or she remembered what I liked. To give a meaningful gift, you have to spend time thinking about that person. And that gift is a symbol of your thought. It doesn't matter if it costs a lot of money or not. What's important is that you thought of him, you thought of her. Some of us are most touched by someone doing things for us. Consider actions that would mean something to your spouse, like cooking a meal for them, setting the table, emptying the dishwasher, vacuuming, changing the baby's diaper, picking up that prescription when they didn't even ask, keeping the car in operating condition, those are all acts of service that could show love to a spouse.

SPEAKER_01: 14:28

There are such tremendous benefits in meeting the emotional needs of your spouse. If your spouse's love language is acts of service, then truly actions are speaking louder than your words. We have long known through numerous research projects in the area of child development that babies who are held that are stroked and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact. Physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love. Physical touch is also a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, sexual intercourse, all of these things are ways of communicating emotional love to your spouse. For some individuals, physical touch is their primary love language. Without it, they don't feel loved. With it, their emotional tank is filled, and they feel secure in the love of their spouse.

SPEAKER_02: 15:23

You might be saying, okay, David and Tracy, these are great ideas, but you know what? I am not a gift giver. That does not come naturally to me at all, or I really don't feel like holding hands with someone that I am totally hacked off with. It doesn't come naturally for me. Well, congratulations! You've just made the first discovery in becoming a Christ-like lover. Now that you've made that discovery, get on with the business of learning God's love for your spouse. It requires thought. It requires planning. It requires getting out of your comfort zone. It requires a sacrifice of your time and your effort and your energy. But if you do this with the right heart motivation, they are such expressions of love to your spouse. In fact, they're God's expressions of love to them. But if you do it with a negative attitude, you do it with a put-out tone, you're throwing the blessing away. Don't expect something done for someone else with grumbling to be appreciated. In fact, it might even be rejected. Every single person listening to us right now desires to feel the kind of love that we just got done talking about. We want someone to know our love language and to give us the kind of love we feel like we need. But here's the thing in marriage, sometimes we get to this stuck place that someone has to lead out with that love. Somebody's got to start the ball rolling. And sometimes it's gonna be you for months on end, pouring into that other person really without much feedback or reward.

SPEAKER_01: 16:52

Now I want to warn you about something that is critical that you understand when you're in an embattled marriage, you could be loving someone just as God is asking you to, possibly for months, and doing so with a God-only kind of love to find that your situation is actually worse than you originally realized. Now, if you listen to our first broadcast in this series, you know about Jack and Diane. Now, Diane had replaced the accomplishments and the admiration that once came from her marriage with the kind of significance that now came from her job. She was married figuratively to her job. And it pains me to say this, but very often when one spouse is checked out of the marriage, there's already someone else who's got their attention, and that was the case for Diane. There was another man at work who made every effort to pour admiration and appreciation into Diane's life. She noticed it, and it wasn't long things materialized farther. Sin is a horrible, horrible thing, and your spouse is a sinner. So what I'm warning you about is that you need to be prepared for the absolute worst. You may potentially receive this kind of news. This is where leaving your marriage for dead is perhaps its most tempting. Many of us would agree that this is the worst offense that could happen in a marriage, but now is the time to consider what God's word says you should do. Something that's very interesting though is that in today's world, staying in a marriage where your spouse has been unfaithful is going to come with judgment for you. As if you're the weak person, as if you're the person who thinks so lowly of themselves. Knowing the truth is so vital, knowing that there's nothing you could do to seek out the kind of love that you would receive beyond what you already have through your Heavenly Father, that the status that you have as his daughter or his son fully completes who you are and who you need to be. Now the question is, will you be that conduit of love? Listen to this discussion between Christ and the Pharisees in Matthew 19. After Jesus refers to God's original purpose for marriage, which is the point we just got done talking about, he was asked, Why then did Moses command to give her a certificate of divorce and send her away? Jesus then answers, Because of the hardness of your heart, Moses permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it has not been this way. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality and marries another woman, commits adultery. So this verse points out something that's very important. We are actually free to leave, but that is not plan A. You, as the person who's been cheated on, will actually hear over and over again, it's time to leave. Kick them out. You deserve happiness. You've got to be prepared. You've got to be the person looking at the gauges in the airplane. If I can go back to the analogy we spoke of earlier, who's paying attention to what is absolute truth. You've got to know God's word so well that you know how to fly that plane and even deal with your co-pilot who's flying in blindness. So many people who have cheated on their spouse in their marriage, they've been the one who's been pushing the stick down to crash the plane. It's not because they want to replace their spouse most of the time. They want to change the course of their lives. They're unhappy with who they are. They're unhappy with how their life looks to them. Oftentimes they still love their spouse deeply. The path of life does not look like they want it to. They're swerving and pulling and yanking on the stick of that airplane, following their emotions of what they think could make them happy. And this, believe it or not, is a source of most affairs. And there's some comfort that comes in realizing that that affair probably has a lot less to do with you than you may realize. It's wrong, it's not right. I'm not trying to justify what they're doing, but understand this. You may play a critical role in the God-honoring change that they need in their life. This is what's so pivotal about being prepared to hear this kind of news, because it's at this time that many people finally make the decision of divorce. Let me tell you something. It's easy to pick marriage when everything is all smiles. When Tracy and I were standing at the altar, we had such love in our eyes. I knew I was getting what I wanted. But Jesus, he picked love when he went to the cross. When the weight of your sins and my sins were laid all over him. That is a totally different kind of love. And this is what requires you to not be the source of the love, but to be the conduit. Now is the time to study God's word about forgiveness. And this is the deep, tough kind of forgiveness. The kind that as a Christian I only understand because I know how much I've been forgiven. The story of Jesus Christ suggests that it's because of undeserved grace that we can actually live an eternal life. Jesus takes our offense as his own. He paves the way for us to understand that we may have to hold out our forgiveness even when it's not accepted. How long did your sin seem manageable in your mind until you finally gave yourself to Christ? Was it the first time you heard of Jesus' love and grace? For most of us, repentance was not our first reaction to hearing this story. So you too need to be prepared for the fact that you may need to deal with the continuation of an affair. Your spouse might still be married to their job. Your husband may stay wrapped up in the sin of pornography. They may continue their selfish sin. Know how you will react. Know that this will be only done through the fruit of the Holy Spirit. But rest also that these fruits are not a one-time gift. That it's in undeserved grace that we can actually live an eternal life. Jesus takes our offense and carries it as his own.

SPEAKER_02: 22:50

In conclusion, here on Vows to Keep Radio, God is asking you to prepare to be perfectly godly. If you want blessing in your marriage, you want blessing in your life, your only option is to become the husband or wife that God has commanded you to be in Scripture, and He will help you to do that with His power. Apply Scripture to every daily activity, every daily thought, every daily emotion that you have. When you read Scripture, when you follow it, you will enjoy God's favor because that's what faithful, obedient servants do.

SPEAKER_01: 23:24

The question, however, we all want to know is what's going to change my spouse? Well, we know that God's word has that power. And you might say, but what if they don't agree to seek counsel through someplace like Vows to Keep? What if they don't choose to follow God's word? In that case, they must see you living by God's truth day in and day out.

SPEAKER_02: 23:46

Our pursuit of God and God's word is powerful because look at how Jesus pursued us. I'm reminded of Ephesians 5.29. It says, after all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and they care for their body just as Christ does the church. You see, Christ didn't run from us the sinner. He came to earth to rescue us. If you're going to love your wife like Christ loved you, run after her, not away from her.

SPEAKER_00: 24:16

Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers, and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christ-like marriages includes providing much-needed services regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows2Keep financially, visit VowsToKeep.com and click on the donate link. This program is sponsored by Vows2Keep of Zanesfield, Ohio.