Valentine’s Is Cheap; Your Love Doesn’t Have To Be

Tired of the Valentine’s Day script that swings between pressure and apathy? We take a deeper path, rooting marriage in the wide, long, high, and deep love described in Ephesians 3—and showing how that truth can turn a single holiday into a daily habit of generosity. Through honest stories of winter weariness and unmet expectations, we uncover how remembering God’s faithfulness shifts love from performance to overflow, and how grace breaks perfectionism’s grip so you can act with courage, even on hard days.

We walk through Romans 5 to rediscover what it means to be loved when least deserving and how that transforms the way we treat our spouse when they are least deserving too. Then we bring theology to the kitchen table: practical, specific ways to study your spouse, create meaningful time, offer reassurance, rekindle physical affection, and plan thoughtful moments that reflect their unique needs. We also lean into spiritual intimacy—simple rhythms of prayer, Scripture, and community that strengthen connection and build hope that doesn’t disappoint.

Expect a clear mindset shift: love is gift, not transaction. Anchored in Galatians 2:20 and Luke 6:38, we explore why giving often leads to deeper joy and how God equips you right now with everything needed to love generously. If you’re ready to trade the card aisle for a life of intentional care, this conversation will help you start today. Subscribe, share with a couple who needs encouragement, and leave a review with one practical step you’ll try this week—we’d love to hear what changes first.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Welcome to Bowser to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. Our mission is to help couples develop biblically healthy marriages through the application of God's word and the deeper relationship with Him. We desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

SPEAKER_00 0:24

It's February. Can you feel it? Love is in the air. Valentine's Week. How does that make you feel? Excited? Hopeful? Perhaps even a bit expectant?

SPEAKER_02 0:36

Maybe all you feel is extra pressure to perform more stupid, expensive flowers, more chocolates that she kind of doesn't even want because of some New Year's resolution. So what now? A fancy dinner? Is there any perfect card out there? No. How are you going to create a romantic surprise? Maybe you feel the opposite way. You hear the word Valentine's Day, and you can't help but roll your eyes. A marketing genius move at a money grab with every guy's failure and guilt on the line. It's an$8 Hallmark card holiday. Roses are red, violets are blue. I don't care about Valentine's Day. How about you? You think to yourself, I do not need a day that tells me to love my spouse. I can do that any day. This day is all about the money.

SPEAKER_00 1:24

I think a lot of us, no matter how we feel about Valentine's Day, can relate to this thought. I can love my spouse any day, or I love my spouse every day. So what makes this one any different? And yet, here's the question: do we love our spouses every day? I know we say we do. We may even say, I love you to them every single day, multiple times a day. That's great. We should do that. But is that all God has called us to do? And how do we love our spouse when we don't feel like it? These are awesome questions that we have too. God has called us to something, but Valentine's Day has nothing and yet everything to do with it. Today on Vows to Keep Radio, we're going to remind ourselves about God's love for us so that we'll have the drive, the want to to knock our spouse's socks off whatever day of the year it is. A lot of us don't feel like that's possible, or we might not even want to make that a goal at this stage in our relationship. But we hope by the end of this broadcast, you will want to prove that God's promise of it's more blessed to give than to receive is actually true. And we'll believe it's true because we've remembered God's love, embraced his grace, and experienced his love for ourselves. There's a trust that's built there that overflows into loving our spouse without worrying about what day of the year it is or if we have enough margin.

Why Our Love Often Aims To Receive

Ephesians 3: A Framework For God’s Love

SPEAKER_02 2:43

So let's get started with today's episode of Vows to Keep Radio, the show where you get sound biblical counsel that you can apply immediately to your marriage. We're your hosts, David and Tracy Sellers of Vows to Keep. We're biblical marriage counselors, authors, teachers, podcast hosts, and conference speakers. If you want to get back to being on fire for your spouse and for God, you're definitely in the right place. For some, the only reason we give Valentine's Day any kind of hope in our mind is with the thought that our spouse might return the favor. Wink wink, right, guys? We want assurance that they're gonna satisfy us, that they're gonna sustain us, that they're gonna fulfill us. And it's not just one day out of the year. We've been told it's more blessed to give than to receive, but honestly, we want the opposite. Is that how God loves us? He doesn't say I can love my people any day. What makes this day so special? All this love stuff, uh, it's over the top. It's just for show. They know I love them. They don't need some grand gesture every year. Thank goodness God does not love us that way. He loves us perfectly. All the time, oftentimes without us even noticing or remembering. Have you done something lately for your spouse that cost you something and they didn't even seem to notice? When I think about God's love for me, it either seems too good to be true, or something I just can't even begin to wrap my brain around. But what if we really understood it? Would I be able to see that Jesus Himself felt so strongly about loving me that he would say it's better for him to give me his love than anything else? Well, guess what? He said exactly that in Acts chapter 20, verse 35. Let's spend just a moment in Ephesians listening to Paul. He gives us this powerful reminder of God's love for us, just in case it's been a while since we really thought about this. In Ephesians chapter three, verse sixteen is where we're going to pick up. It says, I pray that from his glorious and limited resources, he will empower you with inner strength through his spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And you may have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ. Though it is too great to fully understand, then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able through his mighty power work within us to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Take a minute and let those words sink in. We need to break it down. We need to understand each verse. So listen to it again. He, the God of the universe, gives us his glorious, unlimited resources to empower our strength through his spirit. That's how much he loves us. But it doesn't stop there. Christ, Jesus Christ, who gave his life for us, makes his home in our hearts. All we have to do is trust him. And Christ comes within us. That's how much he loves us. But he actually wants a response to his love, and that's where we have to get our roots so deep into God's love that we are kept strong. How do we do that? What do we need to do? Well, we need to work to understand how wide, how long, how high, how deep his love for us is. God wants us to experience Christ's sacrificial love. Even though it's so great it's hard to fully understand. But even in our limited understanding, God empowers us to grasp, to take hold of that love. He makes his home with us, daily urging us to trust him. And as we trust his love, we have a fullness of life. We have that power that's talked about. And he will accomplish through that power infinitely more than we could ever imagine. All while bringing praise and glory to God's name. What an amazing kind of love.

Letting God’s Love Redefine Marriage

A Personal Winter Of Weariness

SPEAKER_00 7:10

No matter which opinion you hold towards Valentine's Day, whether you're planning the perfect romantic evening or rolling your eyes as you pass the card aisle and the grocery store, you can't deny its existence. Like it or not, Valentine's Day arrives every year in all of its glory with chocolates, flowers, romantic dinners, sappy cards, and lots and lots of hearts. The question is, what are you going to do with it? Let's understand God's over-the-top love for us and use it as a springboard to see that every day, not just Valentine's Day, is an opportunity to bless our spouse by showing them that same over-the-top kind of love. I need this kind of reminder as a kick in the pants to knock David's socks off, to wow him, to woo him, to make his heart say, you know what? Wow, I'm not even worthy of this. I want to love him the most, even when he deserves it the least. Not just because it pleases him, and I think it most certainly will, but because first and foremost, it honors and pleases God. And like David read, he loves us wider and longer and higher and deeper than we could ever fully understand. And he desperately wants to show that love to his people through us. The question is, will we let him? Will you and I be a conduit for his love to our spouse? I gotta be honest, putting this episode together at this particular time in my life has been a challenge. Why? It's been somewhat of a difficult season. And to put it simply, I'm the one wanting the over-the-top kind of love. I really haven't felt like giving it lately. First off, it's winter, and I really struggle in the winter, as I know a lot of you do too. The skies have been ultra cloudy this year, and they're stealing my sunshine, and all the cold and wet is limiting my time outdoors. I'm struggling also because of David's workload. A lot of the ministry responsibilities have fallen on my shoulders lately. At the same time, some other demands are beginning to increase. Add to that, some struggle in my personal life, and it is a recipe for self-pity and resentment and just plain weariness. I must confess, my attitude lately has been not very loving to say the least. It's been selfish. Around my family, I've been more like those gray winter clouds than the loving light that I myself am actually desiring. But God, there are those two words, my favorite two words when put together. But God. Do you know what he's been doing? In my selfishness, in my weariness, in these pouting moments, he has met me with love. And not just love, but gentle reminders of his profound faithfulness toward me over the years. Reminders that I must come back to time and time again if I have any hope of giving his kind of sacrificial, selfless love to my husband. I've got to remember. That's always the first step towards loving others. It doesn't seem logical, but I want you to think about it for a minute. You have to remember if we're to love our spouse, who's good, bad, and ugly, stares us in the face every day, just like ours does to them. We've got to remember the goodness and the faithfulness of our God who loves us without limit, remembering what he has done for us. Let Romans chapter five be a reminder of that today. It's the perfect illustration of remembering just how great his love is for us, how undeserving we were and are of it, and what that means for how we are to live our lives practically day by day.

Remembering Faithfulness Fuels Generosity

SPEAKER_02 10:34

Listen as I read two passages from Romans chapter five. We're going to be reading verses one through six and eight through eleven. Listen for how God loved us when we least deserved it. Therefore, since we have been made right in God's sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege, where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God's glory. We can rejoice too when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us to develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment, for we know how dearly God loves us because He's given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us as sinners. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. And since we've been made right in God's sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God's condemnation. For since our friendship with God was restored by the death of his son while we were still enemies, we will certainly be saved through the life of his son. So now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God because our Lord Jesus Christ has made us friends of God. How we are loved by God, even though we don't deserve it, so well laid out for us. In verse 2, he placed us in Christ, in a place of undeserved privilege. And that's where we stand now. That means that our sins, our mess-ups, they're no longer on us. We're washed clean by Christ's blood and forgiven by an almighty God. Continuing verse five, he loves us so dearly, and we know this because he's given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts. It's not something we have to conjure up or really force ourselves to love when we don't feel like it. That's not genuine. Another see right through it. We need only to ask God to help us love like him, and his Holy Spirit will help us do exactly that. Verse six and eight speak to the fact that we were utterly weak and helpless. We were dead in our sin and transgressions. We didn't deserve what Christ did, and yet Christ does the unthinkable. He dies for us. Why? The only answer is because he loves us, he has a plan for us, he wants to display his glory. Not only that, but verse 10 tells us we now have a friendship with God. All because Christ died when we were his enemies. Think about that. Your worst enemy, the worst human that you can imagine, imagine you dying for that person so that they could know a love unlike any other. Only God would do that. I'm not worthy. And that's the point. We're not worthy, but God, He is passionately in love with us, anyhow.

Romans 5: Loved When Least Deserving

SPEAKER_00 14:02

How does being undeservedly loved by God shape our lives and love for others? Well, verse one says we have peace with God. We are spared from his condemnation of our sin-stained lives. We are saved through Christ's life. Now we have this wonderful relationship with God, this amazing friendship, and we get to look forward with joy and confidence into sharing his glory. So even though we struggle, especially in our marriages, life brings all kinds of trials. We can rejoice. Why? Because if we remember God's love and faithfulness in the midst of those problems, God will produce endurance, which develops strength of character, which boosts our confident hope of salvation, which will never leave us disappointed. Never. So what does this have to do with loving our spouse? It's about a mindset shift. Remembering these key truths moves our thoughts from focusing on ourselves to focusing on him and what he's asking of us. And here's the thing, because he has a heart for others, so will we. Remember how Jesus tells us in Acts 20, 35, it is more blessed to give than to receive. We can love and give generously to our spouse because that's what he's done for us. We're going to explore specific ways to love our spouse generously later in this podcast. So be sure to stick around for that.

SPEAKER_02 15:21

Embrace grace. Maybe you feel the pressure. All this love your spouse's he loved you stuff. It can feel so overwhelming. What if I fail? What if I don't live up to their expectations? What if I let my spouse down? And what if some days I just simply don't feel like I have it? Let's get a few things straight. Number one, you will fail. You won't live up to expectations. You will let your spouse down. But don't worry, we cannot fall prey to perfectionism. We're going to lose every time. But guess what? God's grace covers us. This is a fact that we cannot forget. He knows we'll never be perfect this side of heaven. And so what does he do? He pours out his grace to cover our shortcomings, past, present, and future. Man, I need this reminder because I quickly start to feel overwhelmed and then fail to act for fear of falling short. Just like Tracy said, she had been struggling in her own selfishness and weariness and self-pity moments. Guess what? I have been there lately too. So what's the problem that we're really all suffering from? It's the fact that so many of us have a huge dark hole in the middle of our gospel. Have we really understood well the benefits of the work of Christ here and now? The Bible powerfully declares that Jesus didn't just die for your past or for your future, but for all of the things that you face right here, right now. In the words of Galatians 2.20, it says, I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Living in the light of the gospel right here, right now. That's what we're talking about. He is in you, he is with you, he is for you. In him, you really do have everything you need. You have not been left alone. And that's staggering. I have everything I need because I'm a child of God. I am equipped to love Tracy in all the ways God has called me to because He gives me His glorious, unlimited resources. He is working within me to accomplish infinitely more in my life, infinitely more in my spouse's life, infinitely more in my marriage than I might even ask for or think of. And when I mess up, when I fall short, I'm covered by endless grace. Talk about love. Remembering his love and embracing his grace will move us to love generously.

From Theology To Mindset Shift

SPEAKER_00 18:07

It really is a privilege to be asked by God to love our spouse generously, abundantly, like he loves us, and not just conjure something up on a made-up little holiday. God equips us to love. We don't have to stand in the proverbial hallmark aisle, rolling our eyes, looking for the perfect card to appease our spouse. We can instead get to God's work of actively and intentionally loving them, making every day like Valentine's Day. In Luke 6.38, Jesus says, give and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be poured into your lap, for with the measure you use, it'll be measured back to you. In other words, the amount you give will determine the amount you give back. Did you catch the blessing part in Luke 6.38? When you give love actively, frequently, intentionally, abundantly, God is going to pour out his blessings on you. So what does this look like, practically speaking? I want you to think about the answer to this question. And it is always helpful to write your answers down. How does your spouse need to be loved? Think about that for a minute. And if the answer doesn't come immediately, spend some time studying your spouse. What brings joy to them? What's meaningful to them? Time with close friends, maybe some space just to slow down, time carved out to enjoy a hobby they love. What can you do to foster more of that? David's done this for me, called up some of my friends and just organize a night out for all of us. He's taken the kids for a few hours, letting me know, hey, Trace, you can just have the house in the afternoon to yourself to do whatever you want. For David, I know it's really meaningful when I join him in his hobby.

Embrace Grace Over Perfectionism

SPEAKER_02 19:46

Does your spouse need more quality time with you? Man, go plan a date night. Go plan a weekend away. Just pack it with sweet little surprises. It starts with the little things. Go line up a babysitter, make reservations, do the legwork to plan this thing out. That's the level of effort and attention that's going to show that you know what they like and appreciate and you care about their desires. Maybe your spouse needs reassurance. Is their confidence shaken? Have insecurities crept in? Look for things to compliment them on. Highlight their strengths, come alongside them and their weakness and pray with them about those things.

SPEAKER_00 20:28

I like to send texts to David letting him know, hey, I'm thinking about you right now. I love you. I appreciate you. How about physical touch? Could you shock your spouse with a kiss he feels right down to his toes? Maybe just a simple arm around her waist, guys, to let her know you're glad she's with you. Does your spouse need to know that you still desire him, even though he's put on a couple pounds? Does your wife need to know you think she's the most beautiful woman in the room? How can you show your guy you love him, every inch of him, inside and out? How can you show your wife she's the only woman you desire?

SPEAKER_02 21:01

How is your spouse doing spiritually? In what areas does she need accountability? How does he need help in getting into God's word consistently? Does your husband need you to pray over him daily and intentionally and see the power that that could bring into his own life to do the same for you? How can you encourage your wife and her relationship with the one who loves her the most? And I'm talking about God here. Do you need to send them off to a quiet place for a devotional time? Do you need to initiate Bible study, prayer time, and fellowship with others? Does he need you to make margin in the schedule to get together with other brothers who encourage godliness in his life? Does she need a spiritual mentor? Look for ways to encourage your spouse in their relationship with the Lord. And finally, the second source, only second to God's word for how to love our spouse, is them. When in doubt, talk to them. Have them make a list of situations where they felt most loved by you. Have them write out when and how they have felt genuine Christ-like love from you. Ask them how you can help in the season of life that they're in. Ask them daily how you can pray for them. Ask them what you do that might make them question your love for them. Simple communications coming from a heart that holds their best interest at heart is a powerful act of love. In a sentence, know and understand them better. Seek to fulfill their wants, their needs, and their desires.

Equipped By The Gospel Right Now

SPEAKER_00 22:41

Just like God's love for us, the ways to love your spouse are endless. And just like God's love for us, our love for our spouse should be limitless, steadfast, constant, sure, true, faithful, and unconditional. Giving love to your spouse is not a transaction. Don't ever give just to get something in return from them. Don't make your actions and giving dependent on what they're doing or not doing for you. Rest today in the assurance that God is the one that will satisfy, sustain, and fulfill you, even if your spouse doesn't. And rejoice in the guarantee that you're gonna be far more blessed by God in your giving to your spouse than in your receiving. We hope this time of year serves as a powerful reminder to love freely and generously with reckless abandon. When you don't feel like loving, we pray you remember God's love for you. Start there. Remember how wide and how long and how high and how deep it goes. And we pray that you embrace that grace that He has so lavishly poured out on you. Grace that covers every mistake, every shortcoming. And we pray that you fulfill the call to love your spouse generously, to not get socks off, make your husband say, Wow, I wasn't expecting any of this. I know that in the sweet satisfaction and privilege of pleasing your spouse, you are doing something far more powerful. You are giving glory and honor to the one who is love.

SPEAKER_01 24:11

Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers, and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christ-like marriages includes providing much-needed services regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows2Keep financially, visit vows2keep.com and click on the donate link. This program is sponsored by Vows2Keep of Zainesfield, Ohio.