Legalism Promises Approval But Only Grace Delivers Freedom p1

The fight is rarely just about the dishes, the tone, or the timing. Sometimes the real conflict is invisible: a relentless pressure to prove you’re “good enough” for God, and then quietly demanding that same standard inside your marriage. David and Tracy open up about a season when they argued more in one month than they had in years, and how that red flag exposed something deeper than communication skills. The culprit was legalism and performance, and the damage showed up as fear, defensiveness, and a constant sense of being analyzed and judged. 

We walk through what legalism actually is, why it can feel so normal, and why it even feels good at first. We talk about the performance treadmill, the subtle ways we try to “cancel out” sin with better behavior, and how unrealistic expectations can take over a home. Along the way, we connect the dots between outward rule-keeping and inward heart motives, and we explain why legalism can masquerade as obedience while replacing the gospel. 

The turning point is grace. We unpack justification, what it means to be declared righteous before God through faith, and why trying to earn approval after the cross is not only exhausting but spiritually dangerous. If you’ve grown up in rule-heavy environments, struggle with perfectionism, or love a spouse who seems trapped under self-made laws, this conversation is a practical step toward freedom and real heart change. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs relief, and leave a review so more marriages can find hope.

Transcript

Welcome And Ministry Mission

SPEAKER_01 0:03

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. The mission of Vows to Keep is to help couples develop a biblically healthy marriage through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. They desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now, here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

SPEAKER_00 0:25

We are David and Tracy Sellers, and we have made vows to keep, but let me tell you, it's not always been easy. In fact, I want to start out this broadcast today by saying what I'm about to share with you is extremely personal. I'm deeply invested in today's topic, and let me tell you, it's not always in a good way. It's affected my thinking, it's affected my personal life, and recently my marriage. This topic doesn't leave my friendships alone, and sometimes I do just about anything to escape its grasp.

Why Legalism Feels So Personal

SPEAKER_00 0:55

We're gonna be talking today about legalism and performance.

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If you have some perfectionistic tendencies, or if you've attended legalistic churches, maybe you grew up in a house full of rules that was devoid of grace, I invite you to listen with intent. This broadcast is for those of us who know what Christ has accomplished on the cross for us, have a hard time not trying to earn his love. Today is also for those of you that have a spouse who needs to be set free from his or her self-imposed laws.

SPEAKER_00 1:25

David, you and I have had lots of discussions about legalism, and I've really always known that this is a struggle for me. I knew that what I believed God felt about me had significant bearing in my life, but I don't think I really saw the evidence of it until recently. I don't ever think I really saw the fruit that legalism was producing in my life, and when I saw it, it was a hot mess. Now, we've enjoyed lots of years of marriage. In fact, we just celebrated our 17th anniversary. Now, mind you, this is to no credit of ours.

SPEAKER_02 1:59

No, it's not. The Holy Spirit has helped us to take God's word and in moment-by-moment choices live it out. We've got a long way to go, but we are definitely, Tracy, enjoying the journey.

SPEAKER_00 2:10

Definitely.

Marriage Conflict And The Performance Treadmill

SPEAKER_00 2:11

So this past summer, when we found ourselves arguing and fighting more in the span of a month than we had our entire married life, okay, red flag, something is going on. There's something undiscovered here that needs to be brought to the light. Now, to help you to understand where we were at, I'm gonna tell you what it all boiled down to misunderstanding.

SPEAKER_02 2:31

And the more we misunderstood each other, the worse it got. Neither of us was believing the best about the other person. Motives were being put on trial, and in the end, Tracy felt analyzed and judged, and so did I.

SPEAKER_00 2:43

And not just at the end of these argumentative conversations, we're talking like most of the time. Now I'm the kind of person who does have those perfectionistic tendencies, and I think those kinds of people, like me, also seek approval. And I especially want to be approved by my best friend, my husband. I care very much what David thinks. So as we would go round and round the same topic of misunderstanding each other, I would try harder and harder to please him. And without realizing it, I jumped onto what we call the performance treadmill. And as all treadmills go, if you've ever been to the gym, I ran fast, but I didn't get anywhere. I thought that David was inspecting my every word and my every behavior, and I responded to that thinking that he was saying, okay, Tracy, jump, and I was saying, How hi, dear. Obviously, that's not what he was saying, but that's what I was interpreting. But I didn't realize the extent of my performance level until David had to go away on a business trip. Here's what happened. When he left, the house was quiet, and for the first time in a while, I found myself relaxing. I didn't actually know how tightly I was wound. I didn't know that the level of my performance had gotten to where it was until he wasn't there. I realized I felt like I was walking on eggshells whenever I was with him. I didn't even know it. It was an eye-opener, and God used that circumstance to turn the light bulb on for me. He illuminated my spiritual darkness and lots of untruths that I was believing that I thought were true. God showed me that I was the one in the wrong. He turned all my upside downness right side up again when he began to teach me that all my efforts to prove to David that I was worth it and that was good enough were so much deeper than my marriage. Here's what God showed me, and here's what I hope he shows you today. He showed me I was projecting my viewpoints about what I thought God thought about me onto my husband. See, I was believing that God wasn't satisfied with me. I believed that God thought I could do better, that God would be more pleased with me if I would only step up my game. I was believing that God was just standing there tapping his foot, waiting for me to get my act together. Now I've struggled with this since I was a girl, and sometimes I've conquered it only to have it creep in silently again without my noticing. But this time, I bought into the lies like never before, and they had a huge effect on my marriage. I took what I was believing about God and projected it onto my husband. To put it plainly, I was being extremely legalistic in my mindset not only with God, but with David. In this two-part series on legalism and obedience and grace, we're gonna talk first about what legalism is and then the fruit that it produces. So hopefully you can recognize this in your own life because I don't think many of us escape this topic, and then we can, in a godly way, weed it out of our lives. And trust me, as we talk about legalism here today, the teacher, me, is the biggest learner in the room. Here's what

How To Spot Legalism In Life

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we're gonna talk about. Number one, legalism is a doctrine. Two, legalism feels good. Number three, legalism is a gospel replacement. The next one, legalism enables me to feel justified even when my heart isn't right with God. Legalism is sin, number five. And the last one today, legalism is not obedience.

SPEAKER_02 6:09

Have you ever found yourself thinking, God would be so much happier with me if I could just get a grip on this particular issue in my life? Have you ever found yourself giving yourself a pat on the back for a service that you performed for someone else? Have you ever found yourself trying to pay recompense for a sin that you committed? Have you ever found yourself trying to put on a mask so that people don't really know what's happening on the inside? Have you ever found yourself placing expectations on yourself and others that were totally unreasonable? This, my friends, is what we call legalism. Pastor Stephen Cole helps us to understand this impactful topic when he says that legalism is an attempt to gain favor with God or to impress our fellow man by doing certain things, or maybe avoiding other things, without regard to the condition of our hearts before God. Legalism is poison to our hearts. It gives roots to lies that grow into harmful weeds of doubt and sin that affect every area of our lives, especially our marriages. The word legalism doesn't appear in the Bible, but the root word is law, and of course we know that is in there. That's the Greek word of gnomos. We're talking about a works-based religion. It is widespread within our churches and homes, and we need to understand it. We need to work to weed it out of our lives. It's worth discerning today if you are susceptible to this, or if your spouse is.

SPEAKER_00 7:35

David, I totally agree with you, but as I listen to you talk, I know you so well. I know that legalism and performance is not something that you struggle with. But for those of us like me, who this is an issue for, it's not just an issue. This is an overshadowing umbrella that can take over our lives. It affects every single thing in our day. It affects our thoughts, it affects our words, it affects our actions, it affects our relationships. And I am hungry to do something about it. In fact, I am ready to ask God today to help me to understand this better. I am so ready for change in this area. I'm hungry for God's truth. How about you? So, Lord, we pray today that you would, as we go through your word today, just open our eyes to your truth, to shed the light on things that need to go, to free us from lies that we are believing, and to step onto your path and not a path that we ourselves have created. And pray this in Jesus' name.

Legalism As Doctrine Versus Grace

SPEAKER_00 8:38

So, number one today, as we get started on defining legalism and shedding that light, is legalism is a doctrine. Now, a doctrine is just something that's taught from a source of authority. We're gonna talk about a couple different doctrines here during this series, and one of them is also the doctrine of grace. Paul warns Timothy in 1 Timothy 4 16 to watch your life closely, Timothy. Watch your doctrine closely, persevere in them because if you do, you're gonna save both yourself and your hearers. I think that is such an important passage because if you are living in legalism, it is going to affect those around you. If we are not adhering to God's word and truly understanding the meaning of the gospel, it's gonna bleed into how we raise our children and our grandchildren and how we interact with our coworkers and especially with our spouses. Now, Paul is talking with Timothy here in 1 Timothy 4, and that verse comes from a passage that's warning against false teachers. And I think that's very appropriate to what we're talking about because I grew up in a couple different churches that promoted legalism. It was taught straight from the pulpit as truth. Now, I believed what my pastors were saying at face value. I never really took the time to compare it with God's word for myself. You might not believe this, but it's true. It wasn't until I was in my 20s that I heard a sermon on grace for the first time. Or maybe that was just the first time that God's Holy Spirit got through to me about grace. It really opened my eyes, but it has been a progress and a journey ever since to keep grasping the truth of grace. And I hope that by the end of this series on legalism and obedience and grace, we're gonna have the truth from God's word that we need to make a decision on which one we're gonna believe, legalism or grace, which one of those doctrines we're gonna choose to live by. I think it is true that you could call legalism a religion all on its own. Legalism is not only a part of false teaching in Christianity, it's also a part of many other religions around the world. The belief that if I act the right way on the outside, I'm going to get what I want. Legalism is this outward performance rather than inward change. The doctrine of legalism rests on this foundation: the belief that the right performance will equal the right acceptance and approval.

SPEAKER_02 11:13

Legalism entices us to add requirements for salvation beyond Christ's work on the cross, rather than just believing that the cross was enough. In black and white, we would say, I'd never do that, David. But reality shows that most of us actually do just that at one time or another. In fact, it can become so ingrained in us that it feels normal. Why

Why Legalism Feels Good

SPEAKER_02 11:36

is that? Because, as Tracy pointed out, point number two is that legalism can actually feel good. Performance can buy our pride exactly what it wants. It can even make us look really good to everyone who's watching. It lets us stay in the comfort zone and bypass real lasting heart change for some quick fix that's just on the outside. Well, of course, in today's world that is so tempting. And when something feels good, we tend to go back to it again and again. This is dangerous because why would we look for a solution if we don't even see that we need help?

SPEAKER_00 12:13

David, it can also be that we completely recognize that we need help, but we just don't want to go there. It's easier to put a fresh coat of paint on the burning house. Let me give you a quick example. Let's say I had a not so great day with the three kids that we have, our lovely children who I love so much, but in this certain moment, it just hasn't been the best day. Haven't really been able to take a moment from myself. They're coming at me from every direction, not with ill intent, but you know the kind of day I'm talking about. I do. Okay, my responses throughout the day have increasingly got worse and worse and worse, and now I'm starting to lose my temper and starting to sin and my parenting. Now there's a couple different ways that this could go, right? I could sit down with the kids, I could talk to them about what's been happening, I could ask for their forgiveness, I could parent in a godly way, I could freak out and throw a temper tantrum, I could walk out of the room and just leave the situation completely alone. But maybe in my legalism, I think to myself, if I can just start over from right here and do the right thing the rest of the day, then all that other yucky stuff will be canceled out. Have you ever had those thoughts before? This can also be where my legalistic expectations come into play. Perhaps the kids and I didn't have such a great day together because I had such high expectations of them that weren't even biblical that they never even had a hope of reaching them in the first place. And of course that's going to be frustrating to me because I've set down the law for them to follow, not God's law, but my law. And when I set up my law as the household expectation, there's no room for Christ. He doesn't even come into the picture. Or maybe it's my own expectations of myself. I've set them so high as a parent that I could never reach them. And again, frustration sets in and I start to respond in an ungodly way. In all my cover-up, I can forget that I need help from God. I need the gospel. Or I can know I need help and I just don't want to mess with it

When Works Replace The Gospel

SPEAKER_00 14:18

right now. And that's how legalism can quickly become a gospel replacement. So let me ask you this: how did you come to Christ? How did he change your life? Did you clean up your act and present yourself worthy before him? Probably not.

SPEAKER_02 14:34

Yeah, I hope you came by the precious blood of Christ, who paid for every sin you'll ever commit. According to Romans 10, verse 9, when you confessed with your mouth Jesus is Lord, you believed in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you were saved. You were saved by grace. Titus 3, Romans 3, Romans 5, Galatians 3, just to name a few, repeat the theme that we've been justified before God.

SPEAKER_00 15:01

That's right. We come to Jesus by his blood, we receive salvation, and we also receive this thing called justification. So what does that mean? And why does it even matter? When we come to faith in Christ, we are justified, and that means that we're declared righteous before God. And it's in that moment and in that moment alone that we're made right with God. Now, I want you to tune in here because this might seem like just the ABCs of the gospel, and you know what it is. But the fact is that we fall away from this every single day so quickly, so easily, thinking that we need to do something else. We need to add to the gospel or we need to make our own gospel to be made right with God. See, when we are justified before God, it's a singular moment that seals us for all eternity. Get this your worst moment was the moment before your best moment. When you realized your sinfulness and its affecting separation from your Creator, you were just about ready to enter into something more glorious than you could ever imagine.

SPEAKER_02 16:07

God took your filthy, sinful rags and he gave you a robe of righteousness. This garment of salvation, though, it doesn't come cheap. Second Corinthians 5 and verse 21 says, For our sake he made him to be sin, who knew no sin. Picture this, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. When you come to God, you're ready to believe this. You've accepted it as truth, and you've just got the best deal there ever was. Your sin no longer keeps you from this relationship, it no longer keeps you from an eternity with your maker and savior.

SPEAKER_00 16:46

Yes, we begin our Christian walk, David, but we fall right back into the pit of believing that in order to stay justified, we've actually got to do something. We've got to perform. And that's where legalism comes into play. We trip into the pit that Satan sets out for us. We say, you know what, God, I'm I'm good. Yep, I've got it from here. I'll either earn my way back to you after I sin time and time again, or you know what, I'm just gonna try to perform good enough to stay under your umbrella of grace. And this brings us to point number four. Legalism enables me to feel justified even when my heart isn't right with God. Legalism enables me to feel justified by all the good works that I'm performing for God. And that's why it's such a big issue that cannot be ignored.

SPEAKER_02 17:36

Catch what Tracy's saying. This is so important because legalism is actually negating the cross. It's saying, God, I don't need your grace so close. You can actually back off. We've heard it time and time again. We're saved by grace, sure, that Jesus paid the full price for our sins on the cross. Ephesians 2, verses 8 and 9 is where it says, For it is by grace you've been saved through faith. This is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God, not by works, so that no one can boast. But you know what happens? Somewhere along the line, we stop believing that the gift is enough. We no longer recognize our need for a savior. Instead, we actually become our own savior. We create a new gospel for ourselves.

Pride Heart Motives And Real Obedience

SPEAKER_00 18:21

And that's the yikes moment, because that's when legalism becomes sin. It's the sin of not trusting that Christ's cross was enough. And it's the sin of pride because it exalts human ability to be our own savior, and legalism dispels God's grace. So let's take a look at those things just a little bit more closely before we move on here. The sin of not trusting that God's grace is enough to cover all of my sin becomes the sin of pride very quickly. I forget the cross, I forget that I've been justified before God, I forget that nothing can change my standing with Him, and I begin thinking that I'd better perform for Him to stay justified. Now the sin of legalism for me became something that showed up daily in my marriage. If I could rewind the clock, I don't remember the exact moment, but somewhere I began to believe the lie that I was no longer justified before God. And David, that's where our conflict began to be really amplified. When I began hunting through my performance for your approval and God's approval, rather than just trusting and understanding the power of grace, desperation and even anger began to set in. And then that showed up in our conversations. I didn't find David's approval during that time through my performance because that's not how God designed it. I didn't find God's approval that way either. God was saying, Tracy, I already approve of you. David was saying, Tracy, my love for you comes from God and it's limitless. You are already loved and cared for and needed and wanted, but I wasn't believing any of those things. I was living in anxiety to be given acceptance. I was so desperate for that. It was acceptance I already had, but I didn't recognize I had it. And when we live in this limbo of unbelief, either with our spouse or with God, there is a separation that takes place. I keep David at arm's length because why would I want him close if I don't believe he accepts me? I keep God at arm's length. I don't come to him in prayer like I should. I don't have a relationship with him like I should because I think he is upset with me. He's just not quite satisfied with me. I haven't done quite enough to earn his approval, so I say, okay, God, I'm gonna keep you over here while I stay over here, and I'll come to you when I'm ready. This does something really scary. It exalts our human ability and it doesn't leave any room for grace. Grace can't even be in the same room. Grace and a workspace religion don't dwell well together. One or the other of them has to go. And when we don't have room for grace, the only thing we have left at the end of the day is our works.

SPEAKER_02 21:11

And and maybe you're the listener saying, you know, this isn't me, but this is the realm that so many of our spouses find themselves that we can often be shaking our heads in desperation, like, what's going on? I don't understand why they're behaving the way they are. I don't understand why they're saying that they're sorry for things that I'm not even offended by. They're trusting in their works instead of trusting in Christ.

SPEAKER_00 21:34

And David, let me tell you, as someone who struggles with legalism, this is where it can get really tricky for me because our works look like a response to the gospel rather than a replacement for it. Let me say that again. Our works, our good works, even as they follow God's word, they can look like a response to the gospel rather than a replacement for it. They look like obedience to God's word. Number six, let me tell you, I'm learning this now. Legalism is not obedience. Let me say that again. Legalism is not obedience. Although performance, doing the right thing with the wrong motives, can look an awful lot like a strong desire for obedience. I think that's what the Pharisees struggled with. That's why Jesus kept confronting them over and over. They were saying, Look how awesome I am. I am following every letter of the law. And Jesus says, it's not about your performance. This is about your heart.

SPEAKER_01 22:33

Like what you heard today on Vows to Keep Radio. Listen to more life-changing broadcasts at vows2keep.com.

Wrap Up Next Week And Ways To Help

SPEAKER_00 22:41

As we conclude today here on Vows to Keep Radio, this brings us back to what we started with, David and I, and the struggles that we had a few months ago. Those were a perfect image of legalism. My actions to perform weren't an outpouring of love to David. I did everything I was doing out of a fear of being found insufficient and therefore rejected. In legalism, I wasn't worried about God's desires. I wasn't worried about David's desires. I was just wanting to justify myself as someone who was going through the motions for what I thought should please God or what I thought should please David.

SPEAKER_02 23:14

And as I watched with confusion about what Tracy was doing, my frustration turned to anger as I watched what little grace I was giving her be pushed away. Pretty soon my anger was what she was seeing, not God's unending grace coming through me. Not the leadership, not the headship that protects. Instead, I made the mistake of unknowingly perpetuating the problem by backing off in the name of peacemaking. So many of us men do just that with our wives. We value peace. We think that doing that is actually giving grace. We become peacemakers, though, at the expense of helping to affect real lasting heart change in our spouse. It's a lie that we're going to spend some time talking about in our next broadcast.

SPEAKER_00 23:57

So join us next week in part two of Legalism, Obedience, and Grace as we continue to talk about the doctrine of legalism and the doctrine of God's amazing grace.

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Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers, and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christ-like marriages includes providing much-needed services regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows2Keep financially, visit VowsTokeep.com and click on the donate link. This program is sponsored by Vows to Keep of Zanesfield, Ohio.