No Trash, Just Truth! - Proverbs 9:10 Ministries

Episode 140 - Protecting Our Own II (Christian Husbands) - The Truth Will Set You Free Part 11

May 22, 2022
No Trash, Just Truth! - Proverbs 9:10 Ministries
Episode 140 - Protecting Our Own II (Christian Husbands) - The Truth Will Set You Free Part 11
Show Notes Transcript

In the last episode, we delved into Ephesians 5:22 - 24 where Paul directed Christian Wives to submit to their own husbands. In this episode, it's the Christian husband's turn. Paul spent 3 verses giving Christian Wives an imperative, yet he spends 11 verses giving Christian husbands an imperative. We know Christian husbands are to lead their family, but what exactly does that mean and what does that look like? This passage has been misunderstood, misused, and abused. But when you interpret this passage in light of the original audience, the rest of the letter to the Ephesians and the rest of Scripture, there is no excuse to get this wrong. Join us as we dive in!

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Episode 140 – Protecting Our Own II

Welcome Back! We hope that last week’s episode on Ephesians 5: 22 – 24 – Paul’s imperatives to Christian wives was helpful. This week, it’s the Christians husbands turn as we finish out that famous / infamous passage in Ephesians chapter 5. 

And just like we did with the wives’ section, we will sort the husband’s section out by showing why some have an issue with it, the wrong ways it’s been interpreted, and then looking at it correctly in context – within the context of the original audience, within the context of the whole chapter and within the context of the whole letter to the Ephesians, and of course, within the context of other Scripture. And again, we will also, pull in some commentary from very credible and sound Biblical theologians. 

Okay, so as we did before, let’s start by reading the passage. And we will read the entire Ephesians 5:22 – 33 passage, even though we have already covered some of it, because it is meant to be taken as a whole section. Eph. 5:22 – 33, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.  However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

Just like with Christian wives, in verses 25 – 30, Paul is speaking only to Christian husbands – not all men, not Christian women, and not Christian wives. So wives, you had your turn, now it’s time to bud out and let the husbands have their turn. Paul does finish up this section speaking to both in the last few verses though, and we will get to that. But first, let’s look at how history has contributed to the dislike and abuse of this passage. We saw some of this in the last episode when we looked at ways sinful men who have misused this passage, and other passages similar to it, as an excuse to mistreat and abuse women, so we don’t need to rehash all of that, except to say that historic and even present mistreatment and abuse of women by men who see them as little more than objects or property is very real. 

I will give one example, again from OpendoorsUSA, the same site we recounted stories from in the last episode. In many Muslim communities, at some point men have determined that darker skinned women are inferior to lighter skinned women. For women, beauty, or the community’s perceived notion of beauty, is one of the only highly valued traits in a woman. Lighter skinned women are considered more beautiful and given benefits that darker skinned women are not. And, also within those many Muslim communities, women, regardless of their skin color, are denied education, any legal right the right to own property, and are not even given any rights regarding their own children. Their children belong to the father. As their mother, they have no claim to them. He’s the one who has legal guardianship and full custodial rights.

And perhaps because of stories like these and so many others, and because of the curse after the fall, that women have had a desire to be the ones in charge instead of letting men, and more specifically their husbands, lead. And it’s gotten to the point where things have swung entirely in the other direction in many places, especially in the west. Rather than trying to correct abuse and mistreatment of women by some men, feminists and liberals have declared war on the entire male population. Men have been attacked for what has been defined as “toxic masculinity.” It is now socially acceptable to regularly shame and berate all men for things like mansplaining, misogyny, sexism, and homophobia. And the real kicker is that these terms have been given new, broader definitions from what they originally meant. 

Let’s start with toxic masculinity, a term we have all probably heard. Here is the general definition, “a set of attitudes and ways of behaving stereotypically associated with or expected of men, regarded as having a negative impact on men and on society as a whole.  The destructive messages associated with toxic masculinity can lead to men feeling entitled to engage in violence against women"

The Greenhill Recovery Center, an addiction treatment and education facility in Raleigh, NC, has even broadened that broad definition to “the need to aggressively compete and dominate others and encompasses the most problematic proclivities in men. These same male proclivities foster resistance to psychotherapy.” When you hear these definitions, your first thought is probably, yeah, that sounds really bad. And that’s intentional. But notice the ambiguous and vague language used. For example, “a set of attitudes and ways of behaving stereotypically associated with or expected of men.” We said in the last episode that, for the most part, men are wired differently than men. They are more analytical than women. They tend to see things in black and white. Would that be considered toxic?

According to that definition it would be. So acting like a man is toxic masculinity? The Greenhill Recovery Center does give some warning traits of toxic masculinity. They say toxic masculinity is unconditional physical toughness, physical aggression, fear of emotions, discrimination against people that aren't heterosexual, hyper independence, sexual aggression or violence, and displaying anti-feminist behavior Okay, so the Greenhill Center may not be saying that just because men are pragmatic, that makes them toxic, but even their “traits” are pretty vague and ambiguous. “Unconditional physical toughness.” Are all Navy Seals toxic? How about Army Rangers or Green Berets? How about soldiers in general? Don’t we want the men defending this country to be unconditionally physically tough? If we start telling our male soldiers that their toughness is making them toxic (which is exactly what the liberal commanders of the military are doing) how effective will they be if the country goes to war?

         And how about the trait of “anti-feminist behavior?” What does that even mean? Does it mean thinking women are second class citizens and property that can be abused and mistreated, or does it mean believing that there are specific roles that are intended for men only and women shouldn’t try to fill them? The point of the vague language should be obvious. The liberal left wants the definition ambiguous enough so that they can label any male they deem worthy as “toxic.” And along with the toxicity, you will hear many men accused of mansplaining, misogyny, sexism, and homophobia. Mansplaining is a fairly new made-up word that means “the explanation of something by a man, to a woman, in a manner regarded as condescending or patronizing.” More vague language! Who gets to decide if an explanation is done in a manner that condescending? I just heard this word used on a t.v. show where a male doctor was explaining a test result to a female doctor and she accused him of mansplaining. So what constitutes mansplaining? Your husband showing you how to properly treat your car so you don’t end up broken down on the side of the road? Your pastor expositing a passage of Scripture on a Sunday morning verse by verse? Your elderly father telling you the same story over and over again? The intent of the male speaker is never taken into consideration. It is only the women listener who gets to decide if his tone is patronizing or not.

         It’s the same with the other traits listed. The traditional definition of misogyny is an ingrained dislike, contempt, or prejudice against women. Sexism is discrimination, typically against women, solely based on gender. And the original definition of homophobia is a strong dislike or prejudice against gay people. Now, when looked at in their original definitions, all three of these things are sinful and morally wrong. However, the definitions have been broadened and now all three have been attributed to many men who didn’t deserve it. Instead of being taken as serious issues, they have become verbal weapons to hurl at a man or men who happen to disagree with the feminist’s point of view.

So what is society’s answer to toxic masculinity? It’s healthy masculinity of course. Healthy or positive masculinity is the idea that men can be emotionally expressive, have female friends or mentors, and express their emotions without feeling emasculated. Greenhill Recovery Center says, “To effectively undo toxic masculinity, accountability needs to be taken by those who perpetrate these negative ideas of “man power.” Open communication, availability of professional help, and therapy are all critical components for facilitating positive masculinity.

Now you might be thinking that doesn’t sound so bad. But when you look at what is considered “toxic” in today’s culture – and basically anything traditionally male is considered toxic – this should give you pause. Yes, there are absolutely abusive, misogynist, sexist men who need to get help. But saying that all males who exhibit manly behavior need therapy to “undo” their negative maleness is just putting lipstick on the pig – what they really want is to brainwash men to be more compliant and subordinate to women.

         Community.org had a great article on the attack on masculinity. Here’s an excerpt, “Even when the guidelines properly identify some of the challenges facing boys (such as the fact that they are falling behind girls academically), its authors miss an opportunity to deal with actual challenges as opposed to theoretical ones. Why is the educational system more amenable to traditionally female behavior in the classroom than to male behavior? At the elementary-school level, where most teachers are female and where the supposed pathologies of boys (e.g., difficultly sitting still and concentrating) often first emerge, such behavior is viewed as early evidence of the disease of “traditional masculinity” rather than an understandable expression of frustration with a system that doesn’t always take the needs of young boys into account. As to what is causing Johnny to squirm in his chair during social studies or bother his classmate when he’s distracted? Easy: “Constricted notions of masculinity emphasizing aggression, homophobia, and misogyny may influence boys to direct a great deal of their energy into disruptive behaviors such as bullying, homosexual taunting, and sexual harassment rather than healthy academic and extracurricular activities.”

         So the academic world is saying that what they deem toxic masculinity is ingrained in our boys. They’re born toxic. So to combat that, they are beginning the brainwashing as early as elementary school. And the brain washing is working. Our boys are more and more becoming soft, passive, followers. Here’s a quote from an article on this subject that encapsulates the sad state for our boys today. “As a boy growing up during the Sixties, my role models were men with noble qualities: bravery, moral courage and sporting prowess. My peers and I looked up to the likes of Eric Liddell, the athlete who put his enduring faith before Olympic glory. Roger Bannister, the runner who achieved the seemingly impossible by breaking the four-minute mile, was also an idol. So, too, was Douglas Bader, an ace fighter pilot in World War II who lost both his legs, yet still made several escape attempts after he was captured in occupied France. Liddell ran for God, while Bannister applied science to achieve his goal before going on to become a great doctor. Bader returned home and became a champion for the disabled. Men such as these weren’t just strong and tough. It was the way their sense of honor and academic fervor married with more obvious male attributes that made us want to be like them. Not so today, though, when many of the attributes I grew up admiring aren’t just frowned upon — they’re being held up as toxic.”

When God cursed women to have a desire for their husband – meaning they will want to be in charge, He also said that women would be dominated by them. That is what we have seen play out in history over and over. However, men have also taken another approach to women wanting to lead, and it’s just as sinful – they acquiesce. This is exactly what we saw in the garden. Genesis 3:6 tells the story, “So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate.” You may have wondered why the fall is usually pinned mostly on Adam. For example, Paul says in Romans 5:12, “Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man.” Adam was the leader and protector of Eve, and he failed. Instead of stopping her from eating the fruit, he meekly accepted it from her and ate it. We don’t know for sure if Adam told Eve God’s instructions about the Tree of the knowledge of good and evil, (we can surmise he probably did since she misquotes God’s instructions to Satan) but we know for sure that Adam knew the command. God told him directly. And yet he acquiesced and let his wife take charge. This had to be part of the shame he felt afterwards. In fact, you can feel his guilt over it when God asks if he ate the fruit from the tree and he very defensively says, “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.” 

Eve usurped Adam’s authority as the head of her, and Adam handed it to her by meekly going along and letting her. And some men have continued to sin in this way up until today. It’s why there are churches who are pastored and led by women. It’s why there are women are the heads of their families. It’s why there are men who take off rather than taking responsibility after their wife or girlfriend gets pregnant. It’s why men can walk away from their wife of many years for a younger girlfriend. It’s what keeps men from behaving like the men they were created to be. And this has gotten so much worse because now they have society telling them that the man they were created to be is toxic. They need to be more emotional, sensitive and effeminate. And the real sad irony is that while men are being feminized, women are becoming more masculine. And while some may call this progress, God says it’s a curse in Isaiah 3:12, “My people—infants are their oppressors,and women rule over them.” And, of course, we can see with our own eyes what a recipe for disaster this has been. 

This is part of the reason God spells out the roles of men and women in Scripture. He knows how He created us – He knows how we are wired and what is best for us and for society. So on that, let’s start looking at His words to Christian husbands. Paul’s directive starts out with one of Paul’s long sentences that has a lot packed into it. He says in Eph. 5:25 – 27, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,  that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,  so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” When you hear these words, is there any indication that Paul is saying husbands, your wives are your property to do with as you wish, go ahead and abuse them; or husbands, if your wife wants to take the lead, go ahead and let her? Do you hear Paul condoning either extreme?

Let’s start looking at what these verses really do mean. Paul tells Christian husbands that their obligation to love their wife. This isn’t just an emotional love (although hopefully there is this kind of love), this is an active, never-ending care and protection. Husbands are to look out for their wives’ well-being. And just as Paul directly speaking to the wives earlier in the letter, this directive to husbands would have been unprecedented. In Ephesus, it was very common for Greek men to have a wife, but their love and affection was reserved for their mistress on the side. 

The love Paul calls Christian husbands to is “agape” in the original Greek. That is the same word used for how Christ loves His people. It is sacrificial love. It is God’s kind of love. There are four different Greek words for love. There is “eros” which is a sexual love between a husband and wife. There is “storge” which is familial affection. There is “philia” which is love friendship or brotherly love. And then there is “agape,” which is sacrificial, unconditional love. Paul’s usage of agape love in the husband’s directive to love their wives is monumental. Sacrificial love means putting your wife first regardless of what it costs you. Sacrificial love of your wife means get rid of the mistress. 

Want to know what this kind of love looks like? It means husbands are to be patient with their wives and speak and act kindly towards them. It means that a husband doesn’t get jealous of his wife if she is really good at something, smarter than he is, or successful at her job. It means that he doesn’t constantly tell her how great he is or how successful he is. He isn’t arrogant to her or rude. He doesn’t get angry when he doesn’t get his own way, and he doesn’t try to manipulate her to get his own way. He doesn’t resent her for her past offenses. He isn’t silently happy when she messes up. And if she shows him that he is wrong in something, he doesn’t get defensive. He is correctable and teachable because truth is what matters most to him. Most of all, he stays with her through everything – no matter how tough the situation is. He loves her and continues to see hope and joy for their future together.

Now some of you might be shaking your head right now thinking there isn’t a husband alive that could manage to do all that. And you would be correct. You might also be thinking that we are crazy even suggesting that a husband has to do all of that. Well we aren’t the ones suggesting it. Did those things Chris read sound vaguely familiar? They should. They are right out of 1Cor 13:4 – 7. The love chapter, the passage most read at weddings. And the word for love in that passage is “agape” just like the word used in this Ephesians passage. So Paul is telling Christian husbands to show their wives sacrificial love, and in 1 Cor. 13, he details exactly what that love looks like. And wives before you stick this passage in your husbands face and say get to work, remember, two things. First, Paul’s words in Eph. 5 are only for Christian husbands. It is between them and God.

That’s right. Just like the directive to Christian wives was not meant for husbands to demand, this directive for Christian husbands is not meant for wives to demand. To quote Dr. Martin Lloyd Jones again, this time addressed to Christian wives, “If he’s not loving you this way, all you can do is be the kind of wife that would be a joy to lead and trust God with his.” And the second thing wives need to remember is that 1 Cor. Passage is how believers are to treat each other. So if you and your husband are both believers, you are obligated to treat him in this same way. 

And understand, we are talking about normal marriages in all of this. We are not talking about marriages where there is abuse of any kind. So Christian marriage in Scripture is not an isolated thing. It encompasses agape love like the 1 Cor. 13 passage. It encompasses displaying the Fruit of the Spirit – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. Which, by the way, the “love” in the Fruit of the Spirit is also agape love. So is there any husband capable of perfectly loving his wife like this? There is only one – Jesus. The only One who can love with agape love is Jesus and it’s exactly how He loves His bride, the church. The love of a Christian husband is to reflect the love Jesus has for His church as Paul affirms, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”  

And the reason husbands are to lead their wives and love them with agape love is the same reason Christ leads and loves His bride. “That he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,  so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” The goal of Christian husbands is to help their wives become everything she is meant to be in Christ. Now as we said, wives don’t need their husbands or any other man to stand in the gap between them and Jesus. They are their own person, their salvation and sanctification is their own. However, a Christian husband is to nurture his wife so that she can flourish and transform to be more like Christ by his godly leadership. Exactly what Christ does for His church.

 

 And, again, this directive was never meant to bring superiority into marriage. It was meant to bring the love and servitude of Christ into every relationship – especially into the marriage. Here is Paul Washer’s take on this. “As the head of my home, I have the right to serve everyone else in my home and go to bed more tired than anyone else in my home. It means I work harder than anyone else in my home. True authority means every decision you make, you are not in the equation - what can I do to bring God glory? What does my wife need to become everything she is meant to be in Christ?”

And I love Kevin DeYoung’s take on it, too, “In Ephesians 5, the Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives six times in eight verses. You would almost think Paul is trying to make a point! The evangelical world has twisted itself in knots about the verses just prior to Paul’s admonition to husbands in which the wife’s responsibility to submit to her husband is commanded. And yet Paul spends only three limited verses on that subject, but devotes fully nine verses to husbands loving their wives. We spend too little time thinking, teaching, and encouraging Christian husbands to love their wives.” 

We talked about last week how John Piper and Wayne Grudem originally got husbands leading their wives (or as they said then, all men leading all women) horribly wrong. We’ve seen as this attitude has caused mistreatment and abuse of women throughout history – even in the church. Thankfully, in the late 80’s, to address what this Eph. 5 passage and other passages mean, several evangelical leaders formed “The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.” They came out with The Danvers Statement in Dec. of 1987. Some of what it says is (and I’m quoting) “The Fall introduced distortions into the relationships between men and women. In the home, the husband’s loving, humble headship tends to be replaced by domination or passivity; the wife’s intelligent, willing submission tends to be replaced by usurpation or servility. 

It goes on to say that, “Redemption in Christ aims at removing the distortions introduced by the curse. In the family, husbands should forsake harsh or selfish leadership and grow in love and care for their wives; wives should forsake resistance to their husbands' authority and grow in willing, joyful submission to their husbands' leadership.” And this statement was written by a lot of very credible theologians. So, thankfully, the vast majority of those in Biblical churches rightly understand Paul’s words to Christian husbands here in Eph. 5. Okay, let’s move on to the next verses that are addressed to both husbands and wives because they are a commentary on marriage in general and how it is a reflection of Jesus and the church. Eph. 5:31 – 33 says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.  However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

Paul shows us this is exactly how God designed marriage – the two shall be one flesh. Husbands and wives should be a team. They should be on the same page, working together as one for the same goal for their family. The husband as the head of the household is responsible for the well-being of his wife and family. The wife as the support system provides her husband with what he needs to be the best version of himself to achieve their mutual goals for their family. When one wins, they both win. This kind of “being one flesh” is only possible is there is an unwavering level of trust and respect between both the husband and wife. God deems earthly marriage so important that God tells Moses in Deuteronomy 24:5, “When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be liable for any other public duty. He shall be free at home one year to be happy with his wife whom he has taken.” 

Paul says that the mystery of marriage is profound and refers to Christ and the church. It’s a picture of Christ and the church. So we can learn a lot about what marriage is meant to be by looking at Jesus and the church. Did Jesus set his love on the church because we deserved it? Is His love for the church conditional on us keeping up our end of the deal – loving Him with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength? The answer of course to all is no. What is the church’s responsibility to Jesus? Is the church commanded to obey and follow Christ as its leader? Is the church called to trust and respect the leadership and love of Christ? The answer to these questions is of course, yes.

And that’s exactly why Paul ends this section with “Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Ligonier Ministries says this, “(Christian marriage) is a call for two people to set aside their own preferences in the interest of living before the face of God in such a way that shows the world why the Christ-church bond is the most beautiful relationship in all creation. And it is a call for churches to do everything in their power to teach us how to fulfill our respective marital roles as well as to intervene when gross violations of the marriage covenant occur among us.”

And that’s a good place to end for today. If you have any questions, comments or feedback, feel free to leave it in the comment section or send us an email at proverbs910ministries@gmail.com. And if you are in an unhealthy and abusive marriage, we urge you to seek help from your church or an outside source if your church isn’t an option. God’s design for marriage has never included abuse of any kind. Thanks for joining us. Have a blessed day, everyone.