Episode 31 – Living with Regret

                    Welcome to the Proverbs 910 Ministries Podcast, No Trash, Just Truth. We are your hosts and co-founders of Proverbs 910 ministries, Rose Spiller and Chris Paxson.

          Today we are continuing with our series, Real Truth about Real Stuff. We have entitled this episode, Living with Regret. When we decided to do this series, I made up a list of topics for us to do, but Rose, this topic wasn’t on the original list.

          No, it wasn’t. As sometimes happens, we make up our agenda, but the Holy Spirit has His own agenda. This was one of those times. And I admit, I was not thrilled about it at first, but then I realized this is an important topic we need to discuss.

I agree. And let’s start by making an important distinction. When Jesus is your Lord and Savior, and you go to God asking for forgiveness of a sin or sins, you are forgiven. The guilt and shame of that sin is taken away forever. However, there may still be regret.

Yes. The regret you may feel, even after you know God has forgiven you, is the sadness you have for the consequences your sin has caused. And it may not even be a sin, maybe it’s a thoughtless action. Like you said, Chris, Jesus takes away the guilt and shame, but the regret is something you have to learn to live with.

We want to make sure we make the distinction between guilt and regret, so it would probably help to give some examples.

 Well, I have 2, neither of which I am proud to share. But, here goes. When I was 14, I was lying in bed one night. I heard my dad coming up the stairs and he called my name. He said, Rose, come here. I didn’t want to get out of bed, thinking he probably wanted me to run downstairs and get something for him or something like that. So I pretended to just be asleep. He continued to his room. He wasn’t up when I left for school the next day, and when I got home, I was met by my brother in law, who told me my dad had had a massive heart attack that morning and was dead.

Wow. That must have been shocking. That’s a lot for a 14 year old to deal with.

It was, and at the time, I wasn’t a Christian, and I didn’t have any strong Christians around me, so I acted out pretty wildly. But that’s another story. I’ve always regretted that I didn’t get out of bed to see what he needed the night before he died. What if he was having chest pains or something? Years later, when I became a Christian, I did ask God for forgiveness for not honoring my father as I should have, but the regret is still there.

And I know from talking to you that that regret has been compounded recently, hasn’t it?

It has. Fast forward 40 years to just this past May. My mom is 87 and living is a really nice assisted living facility about an hour from my house. She had been in and out of the hospital with some issues, and we knew she didn’t have a lot of time left. Just about everyday in the 33 years I have been married, I called my mom every day just to check in with her. At this particular time, I was in Georgia visiting my daughter and her family. I still called everyday though. The day before we left, she was very upset and crying on the phone. She told me she needed me there. This was a Saturday and I assured her I would be there first thing Monday morning. When I got off of the phone, I felt more strongly than ever that I needed to share the complete Gospel message with my mom on Monday. We had had many talks before about salvation and faith, but I felt like I needed to sit and lay it all out.

I know how often you have prayed for your mom and have tried talking to her about Jesus. She seemed like she was more receptive over the last year.

She was, so I was pumped to really have a good talk with her. I ended up getting really sick that night. My husband and I decided just to start driving home since neither of us were sleeping anyway. Our usual 10 hour drive took over 12 because we had to keep stopping for me. While I laid in the car feeling dizzy, nauseated, and miserable, I kept thinking I should call my mom and check in with her, but I decided to try and sleep it off and I would call her when I got home. But after we got home, I felt worse than ever, and just went to bed. My son even called and said he was thinking of going to visit her, did I want to go. I told him I needed to go to bed and sleep off whatever it was I had so I could go see her first thing in the morning. I even told him it was late in the day and my siblings were probably there, so he didn’t need to run down.

Well the next morning, at 7, my sister called me and told me my mom had died during the night.

Rose, I get why you were devastated by this, but you didn’t do anything sinful where your mom was concerned.

No, but I was thoughtless and selfish. No matter how bad I felt, I knew she was in a bad place and counted on me to be her rock to lean on, and I let her down. 

I don’t think you are alone in having done something you really regret, but its too late to fix. And I know you have repented and asked God for forgiveness so your sin and actions have been forgiven and you don’t have don’t have to bear any shame and guilt for them.

But, as we said in the intro, often, our sin does leave us with regret for the consequences it caused.

Well let’s dive in and see if we can help others who are in your situation. But first, we do need to say that even though you really wanted to witness the Gospel to your mom one last time, your regret is not because you didn’t get a chance to, right?

Right. While I do consider that a failure because I didn’t do it before I left for Georgia knowing she didn’t have a lot of time left, my failure to do so did not affect her salvation, because God was completely sovereign over it. 

If anyone is listening, and you have a similar story to Rose’s. You have sinned, or maybe not technically sinned, but have done something thoughtless or selfish, and you are having trouble getting over the regret from your actions, our goal today is to help you move on from it. The first step in doing that, of course, if you haven’t already done so, is to repent and ask God for forgiveness. Acts 3:19 says, “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.”

When we belong to Jesus and sincerely turn to God with our sin, our slate is wiped clean because it’s not our slate God is looking at, it’s Jesus’! We need to let that truth really sink in. There are a lot of Christians who can’t forgive themselves for something they have done. But that’s not the same thing as we are talking about.

No it’s not. If you are a Christian and you cannot forgive yourself for something you’ve done, or you think what you’ve done is so bad, God won’t forgive you, you need to deal with this, or you won’t ever be able to have the time of refreshing that Acts promises. Voddie Baucham said something to the effect that we can look at past sins and feel regret, or we can use them to remind ourselves of God’s grace.

Many, many years ago, a Pastor said something to me that has always stuck with me. He said if you are a Christian, not forgiving yourself, or thinking God won’t forgive you is like saying what Jesus did on the cross was not enough. I need more.

That’s a great way to think about it! And I could add that if you don’t forgive yourself or think God won’t forgive you, you’re calling God a liar! 1 John 1: 7 – 10 says, “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” God said if we belong to Him, and go to Him in repentance, because of what Jesus has done, our sin is wiped away. End of story.

So we pray that if any of you are suffering with regret, and you haven’t done this yet, please do it! So Chris, what about when we have asked God for forgiveness, and we understand and accept that that sin is wiped away, but the regret is still there. What help can you offer us from Scripture?

Well, of course, if you are able to make amends for anything you have done, do it! But if, like in your case, its too late, there’s another approach we need to take, and it might seem odd to some. Let’s start by laying out a couple of key verses. Ephesians 4:26 – 27 says, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.  And James 4:7, "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God, and he will come near to you"

So you are saying the way to move on from regret is to start with Satan?!

Yes and no. Let’s start with the Ephesians passage. When Paul says give no opportunity to the devil, he is saying that when we sin – and he’s talking specifically about anger, but you can substitute any sin in there – we are giving the devil a way to mess with us. Now, Rose, of course, if someone is a Christian, Satan cannot possess them. That is not what Paul is saying. But God does allow the devil to mess with us – sometimes in really bad ways, but He also gives us the way out of this. The original Greek for “opportunity” in the Eph. Verse means a place. When we are wallowing, for lack of a better word, in regret, we are giving Satan a place to have his voice heard. And that voice will always be lies!

So while we will undoubtedly feel regret for things we have done – even when we know we have been forgiven – you are saying that staying in that place of regret and languishing in it, gives the devil an opening to mess with us and could turn to sin.

That’s exactly right. And the James verse shows us how to avoid this. "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God, and he will come near to you"

The only healthy and godly way to deal with our regret is to bring it to God. I can attest to this! I had a bad few weeks after my mom died. I was probably the most down I have ever been – and it was more than just grief. I certainly was grieving over losing my mother, but this was a heavy oppressive feeling. It was my regret, yes, but it was compounded with feelings that I was an awful daughter, an awful person, and had no business being in a ministry for women, when I can’t even get my own stuff together. 

And that’s exactly what we are talking about. Rose, by you dwelling on your failure, you gave Satan and opportunity to whisper in your ear that those thoughts were valid and that you are worthless.

You are exactly right, Chris. And the only way I snapped out of it, was by opening my Bible, and really reading and digging into Scripture, and pouring my heart out to God.

That is the exact definition of “Drawing nearer to God!” Resisting the devil does not mean walking around your house and denouncing him or ordering him to leave, as we’ve seen in movies. It means immersing ourselves in the things of God so Satan doesn’t have an opportunity or a chance to get a foothold in our lives! That’s why he flees, as James says. Yes, God, allows him to mess with us, but as we said, He also shows us the way to prevent it. God will fight our battles with Satan. He is the only one who can! We have no power against Satan except the power of Jesus. For our part, we just have to stay focused on God and not get distracted by the devil. Jesus will do the rest. 

Chris, I think you said the magic word. “Distracted.” Look, I know first hand what it’s like to wish I could go back and get a do-over! I even know what it’s like to obsess wondering what my dad and my mom were thinking about before they died. Were they disappointed in me? Were they mad at me? But in my case, there is no do-over, and there is nothing I can change. I had to get to the point where I just rested in that God was sovereign over every single aspect of both situations, and that while I may not know what His purpose was yet, it was definitely not to have me distracted and paralyzed.

That is a great point, Rose. It’s easy to get distracted and paralyzed by our regret. And that is exactly playing into Satan’s hands. He doesn’t need you cursing God, he just wants you not focusing on or serving God – in other words, distracted!. So why we should always be reading our Bibles, studying Scripture, and praying to God, it is never more important to do these things then we feel like NOT doing them because we are distracted by something else!

And to add to that, Chris, what got me out of my funk a lot faster was that I recognized what was happening and when thoughts of self-loathing would come in my mind, I would vanquish them with verses of Scripture that say the contrary.

I’m sure there will always be a part of you that regrets the way things played out with both your parents, but you aren’t staying in that place. And that’s what is most important.

So Chris, why don’t you give practical application to anyone listening who is still in a deep state of regret.

I don’t have to give it, Paul already has in Ephesians 6: 10 – 18 the passage about the Armor of God. The armor in Paul’s text comes from the Old Testamentdescribing God’s armor. And it’s armor that believers already have. The passage says, “ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. 11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. 14 Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. 16 In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; 17 and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, 18 praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints. 

This is probably a familiar passage to many, and we certainly don’t have time to unpack it all, so why don’t you give us a quick summary of how these verses help us get out of the funk of living with regret, resist the lying voice of Satan, draw closer to God, and help us move on with our life in a much healthier and godlier way.

The first 2 lines of this passage is a summary – Be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.” The first thing we notice is that we aren’t doing anything in our own strength. It is God’s strength. Christ is the warrior. It’s His armor. He is the one with all the might. In God’s holy war, He fought the battle; the people were just the mopup crew. We can only be strong in the Lord if we put His armor on – and, like I said, if you’re a believer, you already have the armor. So let’s do a quick rundown of what that armor is.

Good idea. First is the Belt of Truth. The function of a belt is to hold everything up. If we aren’t grounded in the truth of God’s Word, we could get caught with our pants down! We will be vulnerable to not only Satan’s lies, but the lies of so many other voices in our ears! My go to verse when I find my mind wandering away from God and to things it shouldn’t be thinking about is Phil. 4:8, “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Everything always has to start with the truth of God’s Word!

Exactly. Paul was telling the Ephesians back in chapter 4 to know the truth of God’s word, so they could stand and not be “tossed to and fro “by the waves and carried about by falseness and deceit. The devil is a liar and deceiver. We have to know God’s word. Next,  the text says to put on the breastplate of righteousness.  Remember, this is God’s armor, not ours, so the breastplate of righteousness is not our righteousness, but God’s. And notice what the breastplate is protecting – our hearts. Believers stand in the righteousness of Christ.  We can stay focused and move ahead confidently, knowing that even if we fail, our sins and failures are covered, and does not affect our status with God.

The shoes of the Gospel of peace. When we understand the Gospel message and what Jesus has saved us from, we gain a peace that transcends all understanding.  It’s a peace that nothing, not even regret, can shake. Shoes are what we wear when we are on the move. This is a directive that God’s people, having been equipped, by God, with the power of the life-transforming message of the Gospel, should be witnessing and doing good works for the glory of God. 

Next, is the shield of faith with which we can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one. There are several places in Scripture where God is referred to as our shield. One example is Psalm 5:12, “Surely, Lord, you bless the righteous;
  you surround them with your favor as with a shield.” The shield of faith, is God’s protection of us. While we said Satan can mess with us, none of those flaming darts will hit their mark because God is protecting us from destruction by Satan. 2 Cor. 4:8 – 9 confirm this, “ We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”

The helmet of salvation. A helmet protects our head – and more, importantly, our brain. God’s helmet of salvation is the sure hope of our salvation. This is the hope we have amid life’s worst difficulties. If you have truly made Jesus your Lord and Savior, even when we find ourselves backsliding – like wallowing in regret – we can know 100 % that our salvation is secure.

And lastly, the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God. All of this protective equipment we mentioned will keep us from being harmed, but what about when Satan or any other enemy of ours moves in close for the kill? We could never stop them in our own strength, or by using our own reasoning and arguments. It’s God’s Word that has the power to defeat enemies. As Hebrews 4:12 says, “For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart”When we have the understanding of God’s Word, given to us by the Holy Spirit as we read and study Scripture, we  can press on, no matter where we are mentally, physically, or emotionally, knowing we can stand against anything.

And Chris, Paul wraps all of this up by saying we should be praying at all times in the Spirit with all prayer and supplication. The only way I got out of the dark place I had gotten myself into, was by laying it all before God and asking Him to get me out of it. Yes, I was proactive by reading Scripture and keeping my mind from being distracted by my dark thoughts and focused on the truth of God, but ultimately, I knew that God was my refuge and strength. He was my ever present help. He who knows my inmost being and who knit me together in my mother’s womb would not leave me to suffer alone.

I think that’s a good place to end today. If you are struggling with regret of something you have done, we pray we have offered you encouragement. As we have said, Christians will suffer and they will have trials – including being sorry for something they did, that they can’t make up for. But you don’t suffer ever alone. Our prayer for you is the same as Paul’s in Romans 15:13, May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” Have a blessed day, everyone