Episode 34 –Forgive and Forget – Not so fast
Welcome to the Proverbs 910 ministries podcast, No Trash, Just Truth. We are your hosts and co-founders of Proverbs 910 ministries, Rose Spiller
And Chris Paxson. We are continuing in our series, Real Truth about Real Stuff. Today, we are going to look at forgiveness. It seems like a pretty simple topic - Christians are told to forgive- but it’s a lot more complex than we may think. Do we always have to forgive? Is someone saying I’m sorry enough for us to forgive them? After we have forgiven someone, are we to move on forgetting the hurt or damage they have done to us? And is reconciliation always the goal?
Those are good questions, and they deserve good answers. Chris, since Christians are to model Jesus in all that we do, the place to start is to look at how God forgives us. And the pat answer here may be that He forgives us unconditionally, but when we delve into Scripture, that’s not exactly true.
You’re right, so let’s look at what Scripture does say.
Let’s start with 1 John 1:9 which says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
First and foremost, the forgiveness we receive from God is undeserved – in fact all forgiveness is undeserved. When you do something wrong, you deserve to pay for it – being let off the hook, or forgiven, is completely undeserved. So forgiveness, no matter if its God bestowing it on us, or us bestowing it on someone else, is always undeserved, but its not unconditional. Even with God, forgiveness is conditioned upon us accepting Jesus as our Lord and Savior, asking God to forgive our sins, and then repenting of those sins.
When we ask God for forgiveness, and repent of our sin, in other words strive to turn away from the sin and turn towards God, He is faithful to forgive us. That doesn’t mean we won’t commit that very sin again, but as we are growing in our faith, we should see change in ourselves. We should not be the same person we were before we were saved. But, Chris what about sin we don’t even realize we have committed and therefore, have not asked forgiveness for?
When we become believers and have faith in Jesus’ payment for our sins, and ask God for forgiveness of our sins, He forgives us. He forgives all our sins, past, present and future. But as a Christian goes through their life, they should be constantly asking forgiveness when they are convicted of their sin. Acts 3:19 says, “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.” Once we are a believer, the penalty for sin is removed, our relationship with God is restored, and that never changes. We can’t lose our salvation. And, the power of sin is broken, but we still sin and that still affects our relationship with God in some ways. Not in a saved/not saved way, but it affects it
Let me see if I can give an example. When our kids were growing up, we had rules. They knew what we expected them to do and not to do. When one of them broke the rules, say they they didn’t lose their status as our son or daughter and we still loved them just as much, but there was tension between us because they had disobeyed. And so, to “clean up” (for lack of a better word) the relationship, they asked for forgiveness, and of course, we granted it (although there were still consequences.
Your relationship with them had never changed, and your love for them had never changed, but them asking forgiveness Made the relationship feel good again, and their conscience was free. In other words, their slate was clean, even though positionally their family status, and to relate it to God and us, our saved status, the slate was never dirty.
Exactly, Chris, when we are saved, the Holy Spirit convicts us of our sin, He teaches us to mortify our sin and despise it! The more we grow, the more we will want to fall on our knees before God and confess our sins, knowing what paying for those sins cost Jesus. We will want to turn away from our sin, and we should feel compelled pay forward the grace we have received to others.
And applying that paying forward to others to forgiveness, Jesus’ offers us words in His Sermon on the Mount found in Matthew, chapters 5 – 7, Jesus teaches us how to pray by using the Lord’s Prayer as a model. Most of us probably know the prayer by heart. It says, forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. A little after this, Jesus goes on to say, “if [we] do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will [our] Father forgive [our] trespasses” Do you think Jesus is saying the way in which we forgive others will be the way in which God forgives us?
If it did mean that, it should make every one of us cringe and worry! Thankfully, that’s not what it means, but the two are definitely connected. God does not use how we forgive others as the standard on how He forgives us, but we are to use how He forgives us as a model of how we are to forgive others, and whether we do or not, could be a good indication if we are actually saved.
Unforgiveness is a sin. And like every other sin, cuts us off from God. When we are saved by Jesus, our sin is forgiven, even our sin of unforgiveness.
So nowhere in the schematics of that does how we forgive others determine how God forgives us. So what does Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors mean?
Well, the point of, “forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors,” is not to scare us that God will use our own nature as His gauge to forgive, or not forgive us, it is a reminder to us of the absolute grace we have received from God, through Jesus, and that we should want to strive to show that same grace to others. It would be hypocrisy for us to gladly accept the grace of forgiveness for our sins given to us freely by God, through Jesus, only to turn around and refuse to forgive someone else.
That’s the whole point of the parable of the unforgiving servant found in Matthew chapter 18. A rich ruler (who is a picture of God) forgives a massive debt of one of His servants (that would be us). But then the servant goes and refuses to forgive a miniscule debt another man owes him, and even has the man thrown in prison! The ruler says to the man he initially forgave, “You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt. Should you not have had mercy on your fellow servant as I had mercy on you? He is then thrown in prison until he can pay all his debt back.
Jesus finishes this parable by saying, “So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from the heart.”
First, through this parable, Jesus shows us the attitude we should have when going before God. We are to confess our sins (our debts) to God, knowing we do not deserve His mercy. We should despise and repent of our sin, throwing ourselves at the Feet of God asking forgiveness.
Then, He says that if we fail to pay forward the incredible grace we have received from God through Jesus – meaning that God has cancelled the debt we owe Him for our sin – if we fail to pay that forward to our fellow man, we are not really saved. And what happens when someone is not saved? Instead of having their debt to God paid in full by Jesus, they have to pay the debt they owe God back themselves – in other words, when they stand before God, they will have to stand on their own record.
And we all know what will happen then. Instead of receiving the forgiveness of their sins, because they have been given the righteousness of Christ, they receive the judgement and wrath of God, the Almighty Father. Luke 7:47 affirms this when Jesus says, “Those who have been forgiven little, love little.” Christians need to recognize the magnitude of what they have been forgiven from through Jesus.
I love Ligoneer Minitries’ take on this. They say, “It is arrogant indeed to withhold our forgiveness from those who ask for it sincerely. Since our infinitely holy Creator forgives the repentant, how can we who are unclean apart from God’s mercy in Christ dare to refuse others our pardon? Simply put, if we do not forgive, we are setting a higher bar than God does. We are exalting ourselves as better than other sinners in the Lord’s eyes, revealing that we have likely not understood the grace of God at all.”
John Calvin has a great quote on this, too. He says, “Those who refuse to forget the injuries which have been done to them, devote themselves willingly and deliberately to destruction, and knowingly prevent God from forgiving them.”
In contrast to all that, a saved person who truly understands that before their hearts were regenerated by the Holy Spirit, that they were enemies of God and fully deserving to spend eternity in hell is much more likely to love much and forgive much! They will not be so quick to withhold forgiveness from others. They will pay forward the grace and compassion they have received from God. We all sin, We can get angry or jealous, or even refuse to forgive someone. but there is a difference between sinning and living in a sinful lifestyle.
If even after we profess to be a Christian, we are living in a sinful lifestyle by having an unforgiving spirit, meaning we hardly ever forgive people or remain bitter about wrongs done to us, we need to seriously examine our hearts. It is a process to be sure, but if we are being sanctified by the Holy Spirit, we should be able to look back 10 years ago, 5 years ago, 1 year ago and see that we are growing and becoming more like Jesus (Keep in mind it may be teeny tiny baby steps, but there should be progress!) As Galatians 5:24 – 25 says, “Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.”
And one last note on forgiveness. For those of us who are truly saved, withholding forgiveness from someone who is asking us for it, could be toxic to your relationship with God. Hebrews 12:15 says, “See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” spring up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.” So while, as we said, while “forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors, does not mean that God uses how we forgive others as the gauge on how He forgives us, the two are definitely connected!
Before we move on, let’s finish up by clarifying something I’m reminded me of. We are to forgive much. How much are we to forgive? Is there ever a period of when enough is enough, and you don’t need to forgive someone anymore?
Jesus is pretty blunt about this. In Matthew 18:22, Jesus is answering Peter’s question about must he forgive his brothers who sin against him 7 times. This was what was taught in the synogogues in the OT, and Peter wanted clarification if the old way still stood. Jesus probably shocked Peter when He said, “I tell you, not 7 times, but 77 times.”
Chris, since the number 7 in Scripture means complete and absolute, Jesus is not really saying, Okay, forgive them 77 times then that’s it. He’s saying forgive your brother or sister as many times as they come to you repenting and asking for forgiveness
Correct
So, to sum up the basics on forgiveness we’ve been talking about, First, someone who never has a forgiving heart needs to examine himself because it’s likely that person isn’t saved. Second, because a Christian realizes the unpayable amount of debt he’s been forgiven of by God, his or her default on the topic should be to forgive. How many times? So many times we couldn’t even count them.
Now that we’ve said all that, let’s move on to some practicalities of forgiveness: Do we have to forgive and forget? Do I treat major and minor sins differently? Do I always have to forgive, in every circumstance? And we’ll move on to reconciliation in the next episode.
Since God tells us we are to repent of our sin, and His forgiveness of us is our model, there’s an aspect of repentance that we should have when we sin against others, and should expect when they sin against us. What I mean is, in addressing one of the questions we asked in the beginning, Do we have to forgive someone when they have not asked us for forgiveness?
That’s a great point! Jesus reiterates this Luke 17:3 -4. He says, “If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you, saying, “I repent,” you shall forgive him. Just as someone who is chronically unforgiving probably isn’t saved, someone who never confesses and repents of the wrong they have done to someone else, probably isn’t saved either.
And, Chris, to clarify this. While sin is sin as far as God is concerned, when it comes to us being sinned against, there are major and minor offenses. For example, we may snap at our spouse because we are having a bad day. And usually, an “I’m sorry” is fine in this case. No need for major repentance.
But someone abusing us, physically or emotionally, is a major offense and the offender should be repentant before we give them forgiveness.
I agree. Minor offenses should be overlooked and put away even if the offender hasn’t repented. But when an offense is too serious to overlook, and the offender is not repentant, forgiveness may be a 2-stage process. Just like when Jesus died on the cross and asked the Father to forgive them for they know not what they do, they weren’t forgiven at that point. But at Pentecost, the Father answers that prayers when 3,000 people realized they crucified the Son of God and repented of their sin. Then, forgiveness was complete and they were fully reconciled with God. That’s the pattern we should follow when there has been a major offense perpetrated against us.
The first stage requires us having an attitude of forgiveness. We go to God and tell Him we are willing to forgive that person once they are repentant of what they have done to us. And we should pray that they would repent. This may sound shocking to some, but understand there is a redemptive goal to this. Just as there is a redemptive goal in our repentance before God. Luke 15:7, say“I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent”.
This is what Church Discipline is all about. In Church Discipline, a person who is living in a sinful state, such as committing adultery, is excommunicated from the church. The idea is that the church prays for them to recognize and acknowledge their sin, and repent of it, and come back into the fold, reconciled t their church family, and made part of it again. That’s the second stage. Repentance leading to forgiveness.
We’ve given a lot to think about as far as forgiveness. So let’s move on now to forgetting? Chris, is the adage, “forgive and forget” the way to go?
Well, just to clarify, nowhere in the Bible is the phrase, “forgive and forget” found. And, of course, it is impossible to truly forget sins that have been committed against us. Hebrews 8:12 says, “(God) will remember our sins no more.” God is all-knowing, it’s not like He actually forgets our sin, He just chooses to no longer count them against us. Instead, He chooses to see Jesus’ record – as never having sinned. So in that sense, God does forgive and forget. The operative word here is God “chooses.” Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. It’s a choice to obey God and trust Him, rather than being about the other person. Cause if it was just about the other person, there’s no way we would choose to forgive them in most cases!
So following God’s lead, once we forgive someone, we should no longer hold the sin they perpetrated on us against them. We are, in essence, relinquishing our right to hold their offense against them. But just as God doesn’t actually forget our sins, we shouldn’t necessarily forget sins that have been committed against us. At least when it comes to protecting ourselves. If someone has abused you, and has come to you repentant and asking for forgiveness, you should forgive them, but that doesn’t mean you should put yourself in harms way with this person again.
And even on a smaller scale, if someone betrays your confidence and asks you for forgiveness; you should certainly forgive them, but that doesn’t mean you should run and tell them anymore secrets. People can be truly sorry for something they have done. And, when they are, we are to follow the example of 1Cor 13:5 which says, “Love keeps no record of wrongs.” But that doesn’t mean that they won’t hurt us again.
That’s right. Since we are all broken sinners, we can be truly sorry for something one day, and then turn around and commit that same sin another day. The only way a person’s heart can be genuinely changed is by the Holy Spirit, and until you are confident that the person who has hurt you has truly changed, it is wise to be cautious in your future encounters with them.
And once you have seen genuine change, then you can slowly begin to trust them again. And if, and when that occurs, we may truly be able to forget an offense that was done to us.
So let’s answer the last question. Is reconciliation always the goal when forgiving someone?
Well there is a definite difference between reconciliation between believers and reconciliation between non-believers. Let’s start with reconciliation between believers. Romans 12:18 says, “ If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” And 2 Cor 5:19 says, “In Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation” The message of the Gospel is reconciliation. Jesus has reconciled us to God.
I’ll add to that that we are told to preach that Gospel message – which is a message of reconciliation! Once we are saved, our old self dies, and our new self is born. That new self is no longer an enemy of God, but is accepted as part of the family of God. We have been thoroughly and completely reconciled to God – just as it was always meant to be before Adam and Eve sinned.
So how does that translate to our earthly relationships within the church?
We need to be living the Gospel message out in our churches. And one way we live it out is by wanting to, if at all possible, be reconciled with those who have sinned against us. And this can be hard to do! Here’s what C.S. Lewis says about it, “Jesus told people that their sins were forgiven, and never waited to consult all the other people whom their sins had undoubtedly injured. He unhesitatingly behaved as if He was the party chiefly concerned, the person chiefly offended in all offences” God is the one “chiefly offended” in all conflict. Yet it is so difficult for mere mortals to forget their own hurt and anger and to remember that the sin causing them so much suffering, is ultimately against their heavenly Father.”
Reconciliation is not easy. There can be so many things that hinder it. – things that go beyond just the initial offense. There can be pride, anger, false assumptions, and many other emotions. The only way reconciliation is possible is if both parties are willing to put those feelings aside. We said earlier that forgiveness involves relinquishing your right to hold an offense against someone. This is not only crucial to reconciliation it must go even farther. Prov. 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is his glory to overlook an offense”
And 1 Peter 4:8 says, “love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins” So the only way reconciliation is possible between believers is for the one who has been offended to overlook and cover up the sin of the offender. But, Rose, this doesn’t mean we are to just blindly forgive, forget, and be reconciled. If we don’t deal with the offense, then we will never be truly reconciled.
That is very true. Matthew 18:15 – 17 gives us the blueprint of how to begin the process of reconciliation with another believer. It says, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”
Jesus is saying that when we have been wronged by a brother or sister in Christ, we are to first go to them, and them only, to try and work things out by speaking the truth in love to them . This is the stage where hopefully, the person sees they have sinned against you and asks for forgiveness, you forgive them, and then, although you won’t put yourself in harm’s way of this person again until you see that they have genuinely changed, you figure out how to move forward at peace with each other.
But, if the offender isn’t willing to do all that, you move it up the chain of command in the church. And then, if even after the church gets involved, the person refuses to accept responsibility for their actions, all the rules for treating them as a brother or sister in Christ are out the window, and you are to treat them as you would a non-believer.
Like we talked about in church discipline. So why is reconciliation so important, especially within the church? Unity in the church is important. Jesus prays for unity of the church in His high priestly prayer in John 17. Verses 20 – 22 say, “I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world my believe that you have sent me. The glory you have given me I have given to them that they may be one even as we are one I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me.
It’s impossible to have the kind of unity Jesus prays for if we have unreconciled conflicts within our congregations. The church is the Bride of Christ, and the world is watching. We don’t want the watching world to see the Bride of Christ divided as conflict undermines our relationships within. Unreconciled hurts cause bitterness and resentment which will dull the church’s ability to bask in the goodness of God.
And like we said, moving towards reconciliation doesn’t mean that you forget what someone has done to you, and that you put yourself in harm’s way again. Moving towards reconciliation means that you find a way to put the hurt aside, forgive the sin, and move on in peace with each other. Sometimes, people just won’t like each other, and full-fledged reconciliation isn’t possible. When that happens, we need to fall back on Luke 6:27, which says, “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you.” When you reach a point where complete reconciliation is not going to happen, you need to at least agree that you will put the situation behind you, love the person who has wronged you (in the sense that you will look out for their interests and do them no harm)
Chris, some may be saying, “This is a huge ask! You don’t know what this person has done to me.” And that’s true. We don’t know the wrongs people have suffered at the hands of someone else – even someone within the church. And we are in no way making light of anything someone has endured. But the reason we need to take the road you laid out is because of Romans 5:10, which says, “While we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son.”
Rose, again, we are going to defer to Ligoneer Ministries, who give an excellent commentary on this. They say, “Reconciliation can be a painful process. God understands this. It took the life of His Son to reconcile sinful man to Himself. He has not called His people to sacrifice their children in order to appease an earthly enemy. He has called us to sacrifice our pride in order to model His message of reconciliation to others. He has called us to live peaceably with all men. When that fails, He calls us to love unselfishly, from a heart that has been reconciled to God. He calls us to remember that we are new creations, with new affections and new behavior, and that we were first loved when we were enemies.”
Wow! We certainly can’t argue with that! So, Chris, let’s finish up with what does Scripture say about reconciliation when the person who has offended us is not a believer. Must Christians always reconcile with a non-Christian?
Well, we should start by saying, yes, if at all possible. As we quoted earlier, Paul tells us in Romans 12:18 says, “ If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” So if the person who has hurt you comes to you, regretting what they have done, and asking your forgiveness, you should forgive them. And, as we said, that doesn’t mean you forget what they have done and put yourself back in harm’s way. And if reconciliation is not possible, we should still fall back on “love our enemies.”
If, though, the person who has hurt you shows no remorse, nor do they ask your forgiveness, then we can fall back on Peter’s words in 1Peter 2:12, Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation.” We have no idea who the Holy Spirit may be regenerating at any given moment.
That is true! That is why our behavior, as believers, needs to be above reproach with everyone we come in contact with. We need to be a light in the world. Without even knowing it, we may be witnessing to someone who is in the process of being brought to Christ by the Holy Spirit.
Well, that is where we need to end today. We hope we have given you some things to meditate on. And if you have listened to our 2 previous episodes, you know we are talking about the Biblical meditation, not the eastern religious meditation!
And if you want a supplement to help you to meditate on Scripture, our book and companion Study Guide, No Half Truths Allowed – Understanding the Complete Gospel Message is now available on Amazon and all major book outlets!
Thanks everyone! Have a blessed day!