"Do we choose responsibility?" featuring Rafaella Fiallo

This episode features Rafaella Fiallo, one of Campfire’s Fellows. Rafafella Fiallo as he provides his answer to the Season 20 question, “Do We Choose Responsibility?”.  A Fellow’s Campfire can best be described as TED without the data, The Moth but interactive, and a sermon but without the religion. You can learn more about Rafaella Fiallo on the Campfire website, https://cmpfr.com/events/rafaella-fiallo/.

The Campfire Fellows go through rigorous training and coaching provided by Campfire Faculty so they can share their wisdom through story for you. Our Fellows are the people next to you at stoplights or walking by on the street. These Fellows apply or are nominated by people like you, who know interesting and introspective people with some wisdom to share. The Fellows go through a unique process with our team to discover a wealth of wisdom inside themselves and then are trained on how to share the origin stories of their wisdom. 

This episode was originally performed in October 2018, produced by Andrew Warshauer, and recorded live at The Stage at KDHX.

Transcript

Steven Harowitz:   0:06
Hello, Internet. I'm Steven Harowitz, the Director of Campfire, and you are listening to Campfire at Home. That's our way of bringing the live experience to you, whether that be listening and reflecting by yourself or experiencing it with friends. Each Campfire invites listeners into discussions about life and how we live it. Before we get too deep into Campfire at Home, I want to share a few opportunities for you to get involved beyond our live show. We offer classes and workshops on public speaking, story construction, and group facilitation to answer the big questions in your life or your work. If you or your organization are interested, you can visit cmpfr.com. That's c m p f r dot com. Each Campfire Season poses a life question that is explored by our Campfire Fellows together with our audience. Let's go to The Stage at KDHX to listen to Rafaella's  answer to the Season question, do we choose responsibility?

Rafaella Fiallo:   1:03
What's up, St. Louis? I've always wanted to do that. In my head, I'm like a comedian, so you always have to say hello to the place that you are. Thank you so much. So as you know, my name is Rafaella. Oh, and before we get started, I just wanted to ask a few questions to see who's in the room. If this, if you were at the Campfire in September, make some noise. Raise your hand. Okay. Thank you for coming back. If you received an introduction email from me, make some noise. Raise your hand. Same people. Okay, again, thank you so much for coming. And if you are one of my homies, make some noise. Yes. Thank you so much for deciding that on this Wednesday evening you wanted to be here. So if you got the letter, one thing that I did talk about was how challenging this process has been for me, because vulnerability. A lot of times I've found myself to be the person that people reach out to to confide in. And I usually create those spaces for people to tell their story. And this time it's all about me. And it was very terrifying because I'm a private person. I'm a secret person. And, yes, those two things are different. And so to get out of my comfort zone was just like I've been trying to use jokes. I've been trying to talk about other people, and Steven's like, no, this is all about you, so take it and own it. So that's what I'm gonna do today. Join me on the ride. And so one thing is, you know, on the other hand, I was trying to think about like, why am I like that? And it's kind of hard to really pinpoint, but in real life I am a clinical social worker and a therapist, so I tried to, like, push on that. But in really, in reality, it's it's really about the experiences that I had over time, where I just didn't want to tell people about what I experienced, what I saw. And I thought it would be safer and better if I kept that to myself. And on the flip side, I also really love art. And I really thought that storytelling would be something to push me all the way outside of my comfort zone and also use that possibly as a tool with other clients. So, as Steven already said, this Season's Campfire question is do we choose responsibility? And as soon as we were toying with this question, I already knew my answer. It was no, we don't choose responsibility, but we do choose to accept  responsibility. And so as I was rolling around with this, I decided to reach out to some of my friends and family and ask them for examples of when I was responsible for something, when I failed at responsibility, or when I tried to be responsible and it didn't go and I tried to, like, get help from somebody. And can you believe that they had a really hard time coming up with examples of me being irresponsible? And I'm just like, I know me and I know the person that I was, but clearly, going back to the secrets and the privacy, I was really good with getting away with things, but I did come up with a few examples. So one thing was, my grandmother told me that when I was about seven, my uncle was supposed to be babysitting me. So after a couple of weeks, I approach my grandma and I'm like, "You know what, Grandma? You should just pay me because only thing that he does is sleep all day," and she's just, like, pissed, right, because I'm seven and anything could happen. But she told me at the same time she knew I was well behaved. I didn't get into a lot of trouble, so she wasn't that concerned. But she definitely had a talk with my uncle and I did not get paid for that. The so that's an example of when I was responsible. Another one was from my mom, she told me, and this is, you may be able to relate to this. I stole some chicle or some gum from the store and I thought I got away with it. Actually, I don't even really think I did anything wrong. I was just like, "Gum. Mine. Taking it." And so we were walking back home and I'm just chewing and she's like, "What did you get that from?" I was like, "The store." So she took me back to the store. I had to return the gum, and I had to apologize. That's a short story of me being irresponsible. And this one is kind of funny. Kind of. Not really. I think my aunt just kind of threw something out there because I asked the question. So I wanted to wear these really tight pants and I didn't want to wear them because they were tight. I wanted to wear them because I really like I really like the color, was like off demin color, and she was like, the whole day,  she was just like, "Those pants look really tight. Are they too tight? You need take them off. You need to change your pants," and I'm like, "No, they're fine. I got this, girl. Like relax." So I get to school and a couple hours passed and my stomach is killing me, right? I don't, I'm not putting it together right. So I go to the bathroom cause I'm thinking I gotta go to the bathroom. That wasn't it. And so I end up going to the nurse. And what happens when you go to the nurse's office? They call your parents, So I'm sitting in the office and the nurse is on the phone, and I just I can hear her through the phone, "Put her on the phone." So I'm like, "Hello." She said, "Didn't I tell you those pants were too tight?" and I was like, "My stomach hurt." She's like "If you don't unbutton those pants and take your sweater and tie around your waist," and I was like, "Oh." So I did that. Literally 30 minutes later, I was completely fine. But I was still nervous about what's gonna happen when I got home. Um, so, yes, she didn't really do anything. But she just brings it up to this day. "Remember that time you were those tight ass pants?" And I was like, "Yes, I do." I'm grown now. We can't keep talking about this. But it was really interesting to me, though. Like, literally, those were the examples that people gave me. I even reached out to my college friends, and they couldn't think of anything. I remember college. I remember all the partying. I remember all the papers that I didn't do. And I'm like, "You couldn't think of any juicy things so I could share with the audience?" So I'm perfect. And so I started to think to myself, what was my first memory of being responsible for something? So I'm gonna take you back to 1995, Queens Village, New York. We were outside in the front yard. It was me and my two younger brothers. My middle brother was sitting on the stoop. He had a bag of chips. He had like a toy action figure, something like that. And he was just chilling, enjoying himself. My younger brother, he, and every time I think about him as a kid, I always picture him with this purple Batman shirt on and just diapers, cause pants, why, why do we need them? And so you know, he was at the front of like where the gate is that goes out to the sidewalk. And so he was just entertaining himself. He's like, putting his hand through the gate, putting his head in, and he's just having a good time. And I'm just standing back watching and really noticing how much is going on because it's street sweeping day, so there's huge trucks up and down the block, men in uniforms all over the place, sweeping and picking up garbage. It's so loud, but in our little yard, it's really, really calm until I hear this high pitch scream out of nowhere. So I turn around, and my little brother's head is stuck in the gate. I'm like, "What the hell happened?" I'm pretty sure I didn't say that, but what the hell just happened? Everything was just fine a minute ago. So I run over to my brother and I'm panicking and I'm grabbing him by his torso, and I'm pulling by his shoulders and he's not budging. And then I just stopped because I'm like, "Yo, what if his head pops off right?" Because in my seven-year-old head, that can happen. And so now I'm like, "Oh My God." I know I mentioned being really secretive and private, but I don't think I can get away with this one. So I'm just sitting there and my brother, he's just crying and crying and I'm feeling so bad. And then all of a sudden, this big brawly guy, brawly means like Vin Diesel. He comes by, and he has on one of the uniforms. So he's working on the street, and he's like, "There, there now, fella. I'll get you out." He he didn't say that. We're from New York, and so he literally bends down and he, like, takes the bars, and my brother's head just pops right out. My brother runs over to me, and he's grabbed me on my waist, and I'm inspecting his head to make sure it's okay, because we're getting ready to go in the house after this. And I thank the man, and I look over my baby, my other brother. I don't know if he was just like, "That, it doesn't involve me," or if he was just so involved in his chips and everything he was, like, completely unfazed, which I was like, "Perfect. You can't tell on me." So we decide that we're going in the house and nobody's allowed to tell Mommy, so if she ever hears this, she'll know that she almost lost her last son, but we made it. We survived. And so, you know, I'm wondering, since I'm up here doing this thing with vulnerability, if any of you have ever experienced a situation where you were responsible for something and it didn't go quite as planned? I want you to think about that right now.  

Rafaella Fiallo:   10:04
All right? Thank you so much for participating. Are there any people who would like to share their experience with the entire group? We have a mic that will come to you as well. Or not if you don't want to share. Okay? Yes.

Audience Member:   10:26
When I was four years old, my grandmother came from Greece to live with us for a few months. It was just my grandma and I at home and, uh, in the apartment building complex, there was another Greek family. So Grandma was like, "Hey, let's go see if the other Greek family's home." As we're walking out the door, my grandma turns to me and she puts her finger in my face and she's like, "Don't look the door." I was like, "Yeah, I got it." So we go to the other Greek family's house and we see if they're home, and they're not home. So we make our way back. Uh, my grandma was super old, even back then. And she's walking up the stairs, and we get to our door, and she reaches for the door. It's locked. She looks at me like, "What did I just tell you? Not to lock the door. Like I'm four years old. Don't put that responsibility on me. So we had to wait for my mom to get off work. I think we waited for, like, two hours. Grandma had to keep me entertained the whole time.

Rafaella Fiallo:   11:27
Thank you. Thank you so much. Yes. Clap. Okay. Yes.  

Audience Member:   11:40
Okay, um, I thought about a time when I was in college. It was my junior year, undergraduate years, and I had taken a position in the student government. I was the club coordinator. I was incredibly important at the time. And, um and I had really enjoyed the responsibility and being more involved in all these things. And then over Spring Break my junior year, my my grandmother died, and it was just so difficult. I really I started having trouble getting to class. And even though I'd been planning on being more involved in student government, on continuing this responsibility, it was something that I had been involved in all three years up to that point, um, I realized that I needed to stop, that I had taken on too much responsibility on the morning when I, and I've never done this in my life aside from this time, I overslept the interview for the position I was supposed to take on my senior year. I woke up to a phone call from the student government president, calling me and saying, "Hey, did you forget your interview time? We're here waiting for you," and I I threw on clothes and I ran out the door. I stumbled into the room, probably half coherent, and I knew that I hadn't gotten it before I got there. I knew I hadn't gotten it after I left the interview, but it took, it took that moment for me to realize that that even though I had taken on this responsibility and I made this commitment and I did my best for the rest of the year to try and see it through, that I just needed to stop that, that it had been too much after what had happened.

Rafaella Fiallo:   13:24
Thank you so much for sharing that, and thank you all for just joining me and making me feel a lot more comfortable knowing that I'm not the only one who messes up sometimes and making this process a little bit more more easy. So why are we talking about messing up responsibility? A lot of times when we talk about responsibility we're mentioning someone who's a go-getter, someone who is good at solving problems, is going to step up to the challenge. But another part of the definition, when it comes to responsibility, is the aspect of being accountable. So who are we gonna point our fingers to to say you messed something up? And when you really think of it that way, no wonder some people don't want that responsibility. There's so many things just in the day-to day-life where sometimes we tell people that they're expected to do something regardless, they regardless if they want to or not. But they ultimately have that choice to say maybe, yes, or no. But I want to get back to my answer. So a lot of this has been me talking about when I have been responsible for something, when other people have perceived me to be responsible. But truly the way that I got to my answer was because I was on the other side of responsibility. So I want to talk about that story. This is a vulnerable part. I want you to go with me on this ride? So it was my junior year of college and things were going fine. And when we say fine, we mean bleh, right. Um, I had four jobs. I was working at American Eagle overnight stock, and because of my responsibility, I was moved to sales. Um, thank you. Um, I was an RA in the dorm, which was fun but busy, because they're always knocking on your door for things. I was also a assistant to a director of a program or something like that. It was a work study thing, so, you know, just kind of show up and do whatever you're told. And my other job was working with the department of New Student Orientation. So I was doing all these things because money and tuition, and, um so one day I really started feeling overwhelmed, and it was during winter break. I was reading this book. It's called A Million Little Pieces by James Frey. Anyone ever heard of it? Okay, so you know all right, so this book has all of the details that make a really decent story. There's dysfunction. There's violence. There's drugs and rehabilitation. It's all of this stuff. And apparently it was a memoir, but then turned out, that was a lie. Um, and so, while I'm reading this book, though, I'm being so heavily triggered, and I'm having a really hard time with pushing my own memories of trauma out of my head. But I finished the book. Maybe I'm a glutton for pain, I don't know. And then, so I returned back to campus, and I try to get back to business as normal, but I'm not really there. And it wasn't until one night when I was at a lobby with some other RAs, we're just chilling, and I was literally just sitting there, completely zoned out. Everything was just happening around me. People were talking. People were walking. But you know how in the movie, when they have that scene and that person just standing there and everything is just blurry and rushing around around them. That's how I felt, and literally I felt tears building up from my feet up to my thigh, felt it in my gut. I felt it in my chest, and it was trying to come out in my throat and I was like, "Hell, no, I'm in front of all these people. I can't cry." I'm just sitting there trying to suppress it, and finally I just walk up and get out. I hear my friends calling my name and I'm like, "No, I can't turn back now. It's too late." As soon as I crossed the threshold of the door, tears are running down my cheeks. I literally have to go from this building all the way across the campus to my building, and I'm trying to make it. People are seeing me and they're like, "Hey, Rafaella," and I'm like, "Man, fuck you." I'm not trying to talk. I can't have anyone see me like this. After what seems like forever, I'm sure it's probably like a 10 minute walk, felt like forever, I got to my room and I just bawled my eyes out. I had all these missed calls from friends, and then I hear knock on the door. So I'm thinking one of these damn residents needs something. I don't know. So you know, when you get to the end, the crying, you like what? Doing those things. So I'm like trying to get myself together,  wipe my eyes. Can't really do anything. Literally, I've been crying for like 15 minutes, but I get it together. I opened the door, and it's actually one of my friends from the other lobby, and when I opened the door, their mouth just opened, like, I don't want to do it, because it's like weird, but their jaw dropped, and they scan my room. And when they did that, I scanned my room too, and it was a complete mess. I had clothes all over the place. I had, like, food in containers. And this is important because that is not like me. Anyone who knows me knows I'm crazy crazily neat. I don't actually remember anything that happened for the rest of the night, but a couple of days later, I did go to counseling. And so I don't remember if I made an appointment, if I just walked my ass in there. But I got to the counseling office, saw an open door sat down, and the counselor was like, "What's going on?" So I told her, I said, "You know what? I'm having a lot of memories that I'm having trouble processing. I'm used to pushing them out. But for some reason, I'm not able to do that. And I'm actually getting ready to go to Costa Rica for summer and fall, and I need to get this shit under control, cause I can't be out of the country all fucked up, right?" So I tell her everything that I experienced. She reaches over her desk, passes a piece of paper. So now I'm looking at it and she says, "You know, you sound really, really stressed and nervous about going to Costa Rica. So if you just go to some of these campus events, it'll take your mind off things." And so I slide  the paper back to her. You know what I do? Get up. And I walked my ass out of the same way I came in, and at this point, I'm feeling really disappointed. I wasn't really mad because this really private, secretive person just sat there and told this stranger all of my dirty laundry and she told me that I was nervous about going to Costa Rica, and I'm sure I was, but that wasn't it. And so I decided, you know what, someone needs to know about this. So I found out who ran the program, and I found their office, and I remember thinking, "This office is really dark for how many windows there are." It was like everything was deep dark wood, the table, the desk, even the wood paneling and the bookcase. And he said, "What's going on? How can I help you?" So I didn't go into full detail, but I did say what I told the counselor, why, and I was really disappointed in the service that I got because I'm just that type of person, and he says, "You know, I'm sorry that happened to you, but I really don't think you should tell people that you were assaulted because that makes you look weak and people may take advantage of you." So I felt like he was telling me that I was damaged and that people could tell. And that's kind of like the message we get a lot of times when you do talk about assault and being a survivor of trauma. But then I got pissed. So I went from disappointed to being really, really pissed, and I wanted to talk. I had already told my story. Walked my ass out of there and I'm just thinking, "Where do I go? Who who can I talk to? Who can help me?" So I was a psych major. I decided to go to the Psych building because those are people that can help. So I'm walking to the other side of campus again. But I'm determined this time, and I don't really know where it came from, but I just felt like I needed to get this off. I needed to find somebody who actually cared. So I get to the Psych building. Shit's dark. I'm like, "Why is it dark? "And I'm walking in the office and, like going office by office, lights off, lights off, lights off, and I'm like, "What is going on?" So I finally see an office with the lights on. I knock on the glass. It's my stats professor, So I go up to him and say, "Hey, can I talk?" And he's like, "Sure, come on in." And I sit down in the same chair I just sat in like, three days ago because I was missing some assignments. Um, and I sit there and I'll tell him everything. I was trying to keep my tears back until I wasn't. He didn't make me feel awkward about it, and he listened to me, and he made that space for me, and I was so grateful because, you know, I felt like I did what I was supposed to do to get help. I went to the person whose job is to hold that space for me and help me figure out things. I went to the person whose responsibility and job it was to make sure that the program was working like it was supposed to. And then I went to my stats professor who's not mental health, and instead of giving me a hotline or pawning me off to someone else, they stood up to that responsibility. They stood up and accepted that challenge and let me be in their space, and that's what I needed at that time. And even now I think about it. It makes me really want to cry, makes me really want to cry, because it could have gone so many other ways, and I didn't end up going to counseling for a long time. But I started to self-heal. I started to see what that process was like for myself, and I took art as my form of therapy. I used to write poetry. I used to listen to a lot of music. I used to dance. I even got to the point where I was performing my poetry, and the more that I talked about it, the more that I wrote about it, the more that I would meet other people who had similar similar experiences, so we know about the stats, right? But it's so different when you can actually replace those numbers with the face and a name. It's really shocking. And that's when I said, "You know, it's part of my responsibility to start having these conversations." And so, as an RA, I started talking to my residents about sexual assault and trauma, started providing healing programs and doing things like that. It got better. So I just want to take a pause, cause I know that can be really heavy for a lot of people. So thank you so much for sitting with my story. And because I am a clinician, I do want to allow you all the space and the time to get some of that out if you have anything building up in you. So if you want to walk around, stretch, we're gonna play some music so that you can get the feelings out.  

Rafaella Fiallo:   24:33
Um, and also I want to thank you for letting me take that moment because I needed it, probably more than anyone else. It's still a really, really soft spot for me to talk about that. So going back to what I said earlier, um, about really, really looking back at what was going on at that time, so some people may say I had like too many things going on. I had too many responsibilities, but even now I needed those things, right. So I needed I needed those jobs because I had tuition. Um, I needed those extracurriculars because resume and you want to be well-rounded and all that stuff and everything was just stacked up. But where was my mental health or my emotional well being? It was all the way down here. It was so far down, it wasn't even on the list. So it wasn't until I decided that I need to just restructure everything and re-prioritize that I knew I wasn't gonna get better. And my long term vision was like, I need to have some good coping skills and strategies together because again, like I was not not going to Costa Rica. That was gonna happen. So I had to make sure that I could take care of myself and that I was aware of the best tools that would get the job done. A lot of times, you know, we it takes something traumatic like that to really realize that we need to readjust a little bit. So since we're here now, tonight, I'd like all of us to kind of take that moment to talk about, not talk about, but to think about self-care. What does that look like to you? What does that feel like for you? Self-care is the movement now, right? I hear it everywhere. But also remember that self-care, it doesn't have to be going to the spa and spending all this money. Self-care could be making sure that you eat three times a day. Self-care, it could be making sure you take your meds. Self-care could be sleeping when you're actually tired, and it also could be getting your nails done and going shopping and all those things. But we have to prioritize to make sure that we are going to be well. So what are those things that promote our wellness? What you do already that works in terms of self-care, emotional well-being, promoting your own wellness. Or it could be something that you've been wanting to start and haven't yet. Just jot down some things.  

Rafaella Fiallo:   27:09
So when it comes to self-care and making sure that we are okay, we have to be very intentional about it. If we just leave it by happenstance, more than likely, it's not gonna happen. So if you have a cell phone, I want you to pull it out. I want you to pick one of the items that you wrote down and either set an alarm or set a reminder to do it. It could be for tonight if you need it. Tomorrow. But let's try to do pick something that you could do, um, by the end of the week. So I talked very briefly about the things that worked for me. I talked about poetry, dancing, reading. It's like the same way that that book tore my life up in so many little pieces is the same way that I kind of put it back together again. And I really thought about what I'm getting ready to do next, for a really long time, because, like, I used to write poetry. I'm gonna read some poetry to them, and I started reading the peotry that I wrote back then, and it was really, really sad, and I said, "You know what? I'm in a different vibe, wavelength, now. I don't want to do that to y'all." So I decided to, um, bring one of my favorite books. It's called One Self Love, and, um, read two very short pieces. They're like two to three stances. The first one is for anyone who feels like they're story's too vulnerable to share. "Acknowledging your fears is not the same as giving them life. You look at your fear straight in its face, and tell it that it's recognized, but it does not have a hold on you. It will never consume you." Sure. The next one is about healing. "Have you ever observed how your body heals? The transformation that occurs? Your microscopic cells know exactly what to do, and within a few days, maybe weeks, no one would know that your skin was once broken. Your body closes itself up. A new layer covers where flesh once was exposed. It is a beautiful process to bear witness to, and the same thing occurs with our spirit. Although we may not see it, the spirit heals and grow stronger, replacing what was before being filled in with the light. More and more, our spirit doesn't have to stay broken." Thank you for coming to my Campfire. I wanted to say Ted Talk, but, whatever.

Steven Harowitz:   30:06
And that's a wrap. I'd like to thank Rafaella for answering this Season's question, do we choose responsibility? If you want to, you can see the answers to this Season's question as written by audience members from each Campfire. Visit our Facebook page at facebook.com/campfirestl. A big thank you to the Campfire team, our photographers and videographers, and a special thanks to KDHX Community Media for being our partners on this journey. We're so honored to host Campfire live in the Stage at KDHX and for letting us record in KDHX Studios in St. Louis. If you want to learn more about Campfire and the work we do, visit cmpfr.com. That's c m p f r dot com, and if you liked what you heard, please leave a review on iTunes or wherever you find your podcasts. It really helps out. Until next time.