This episode features Nokie Rae, a student in Campfire’s Advanced Storytelling class. You can learn more about Nokie Rae on the Campfire website, https://cmpfr.com/events/fall-2018-advanced-storytelling/.
These episodes of The Campfire Storytelling Podcast showcase students who went through our Advanced Storytelling class. These students take a six-week class to prepare to tell a story about life and how they live it. Season 32 students told stories about false narratives.
This episode was originally performed in August 2020, produced by Jeff Allen, and recorded live via Zoom.
This episode features Nokie Rae, a student in Campfire’s Advanced Storytelling class. You can learn more about Nokie Rae on the Campfire website, https://cmpfr.com/events/fall-2018-advanced-storytelling/.
These episodes of The Campfire Storytelling Podcast showcase students who went through our Advanced Storytelling class. These students take a six-week class to prepare to tell a story about life and how they live it. Season 32 students told stories about false narratives.
This episode was originally performed in August 2020, produced by Jeff Allen, and recorded live via Zoom.
I'm Steven Harowitz, and I'll be your host for this episode of Campfire at Home, recorded here in St. Louis, Missouri. Almost every month, we gather at the Campfire to hear stories about life and how we live it from the everyday voices that live around us. Campfire at Home is how we bring that live storytelling experience to you, wherever you are. In this episode, I have something special for you, as I always try to, because we have stories to share from the capstone event of our recent Advanced Storytelling class, featuring Grace, Katie, Lizzie, and Nokie. These students signed up for the class way back at the beginning of 2020, and we held one class in April in person, and then the pandemic settled into our bones as a reality. We postponed the rest of the classes to the summer. We were thinking hopefully we could return to in person classes by then. And when it became inevitable that the pandemic would continue to wreak havoc on our daily lives, we went ahead with holding the class online. All this to say, this has been a long time coming. Over six class sessions, after a brief refresher on what we'd learned in Intro to Storytelling, this class took a deep dive into ensuring that, as public speakers, our intentions align with our impact. We also practiced learning to really listen and love our own voices. Students also practiced giving and receiving constructive peer feedback throughout the course. This process required deep reflection centered on the season theme, false narratives. The story you'll hear in this episode represents the storyteller's interpretation of the false narratives theme and how false narratives have impacted their life. This brings us to the Campfire at Home episode you are listening to right now. This episode will highlight one of our four student storytellers. You can catch the other storytellers by subscribing to Campfire at Home, wherever you get your podcasts. And now let's head to the Campfire to listen to Nokie's story on false narratives.
Nokie Rae:My best friend Amelia swears she wasn't flirting with me the night that we met. It was my first trans support group, and I was incredibly nervous because I had, I just knew that I would show up and everyone would just see right through me, right? Like I'm not trans enough. I'm not queer enough. Um, but I showed up and everyone was incredibly kind and supportive, but there was this one person in particular with dark curly hair and super cute freckles who was giving the most empathetic and intentional feedback. And, you know, right away, I just felt connected to Amelia's warmth and intelligence. After group, we all went out to this local café and I was running late. So when I walked in, I noticed that the table was already completely full, and it just brought up all those emotions all over again, right. Like,"I don't fit here. I don't belong." Um, but of course somebody looked up and smiled and said, you know,"Hey, Nokie," you know,"grab a chair, and we'll make room for you." And they did. Um, you know, but the last two hours had been incredibly exhausting, right? Like sitting in a bright room with a bunch of strangers being incredibly vulnerable. Um, so I was just sitting there quietly hoping that I didn't come off as weird, um, until I felt someone breeze by me on the left and I heard the scraping of a chair and, you know, I heard it being sat down next to me and I look over and it's Amelia. Um, she has this great way of just drawing people out and making them feel comfortable, and pretty soon I was jumping into conversations about books and board games and getting to ask questions about the trans experience, um, which was, you know, why I was there in the first place. Eventually the café closed down, and we all went outside. At this point, I am well beyond exhausted, but I felt like, you know, I just gotten this foothold into this group of, you know, courageous and beautiful women and I didn't want to give it up just yet. So I stuck around. Um, even as other people, you know, trickled out to their cars, I stuck around, uh, until it was just me and one other person. And of course that one other person was Amelia. She asked where my car was parked, and I said two or three blocks away. And she asked if I needed a ride, and I said yes. When we get, you know, to my car, instead of giving me the signal for like,"Hey, you know, we've been hanging out a while. Um, it's, uh, it's super late. You know, get the hell out of my car," uh, she started up another conversation and I can't remember exactly how long we talked, but eventually I realized that it's super late and that I, y ou k now, had completely forgotten how tired I was. And so I thanked her and I drove home. I am someone who keeps a meticulous diary, and so recently I went back to that day and, u m, among the anxiety and just the sheer joy of, of that evening, it was very clear to me that I had a thing for Amelia. And I thought, you know, with all the attention she was giving me that she was flirting with me too. But what I d idn't know about Amelia yet is that she has this magic power where if there's anyone in her orbit who's struggling, she will zero in on them and give of herself and make sure that they feel safe and welcome. But I was oblivious, right? Like I was just like super girl, y ou k now, super cute girl was flirting with me. You know, it's so fun. It's so awesome. U m, and so the next week I was really excited to go to group and I was excited to see Amelia. Um, while she was talking, she mentioned that, u m, she played music and I thought I'd be real clever, right. I'd be real slick. And so in my feedback to her, I said,"Well, you know, I also play an instrument and maybe we should, y ou k now, hang out at your house sometime and jam out." And then I realized what I'd just done. I just flirted with A melia in front of this entire room of people I'm just getting to know, but Amelia just looked at me and she smiled t hat smile where her eyes c lose almost all the way. And she said,"Yeah, we should definitely hang out." So we made plans for that weekend. U m, I ended up getting sick, so we had to reschedule, but instead of putting off our friendship, we started texting and I went back into my diary and it says that we talked from noon until 10:30 PM. And the last line in that entry said that I can't be a hundred percent certain, but this definitely feels like flirting. So we kept talking throughout the week and the day finally came. And once again, I was incredibly nervous because A melia is a real musician. She plays all these instruments. She's been in bands. She's recorded albums. And I realized all of a sudden, like I haven't played the piano in years, right. Like it's just the worst flirt I possibly c ould h ave chosen. U m, so when I show up and she's like,"Hey, you know, grab your equipment. Let's go downstairs and get set up," I was like,"Well, how about, instead of doing that thing, you know, that we've been talking about for two weeks, why don't we just stay up here and sit on the couch and get to know each other better?" U m, but she was so great about it. She got me some wine and we sat down on her couch, like any one-on-one, you know, platonic situation you hope is actually a date or might actually turn into a date. U h, I started off with the safe and broad topics. And after a w hile, I could have sworn that we were getting closer on the couch. And then we, you know, moved into the hopes and dreams part of the conversation, and we got a little bit closer on the couch. And then both of our b anter games just went through the roof, right? Like w e're cracking each other up. We're having so much fun. And we're definitely getting closer on the couch. And there is no way that Amelia can deny her flirtations that night because all of a sudden she pulled me into her arms and she kissed me deeply. And then I freaked out. There were a lot of things going on in my life in that moment. But my biggest, y ou k now, unspoken fear was I didn't know what our sex would look like. Hormone therapy affects us in big ways and small ways. And lately, you know, my body hadn't been as cooperative in the bedroom. U m, not to mention, you know, I had this, u h, you know, growing up in steeply Southern Baptist, y ou k now, architecture around sex and sexuality that was, you know, having to heal from my entire life. U m, but the biggest thing for me was I had been in heteronormative relationships my entire life and so what did I know about queer intimacy? Nothing really. And so I looked at h er and I said,"I am sorry, but I don't think I'm ready for this yet." And she was hurt, and I was so embarrassed. And you would think, right, like this would just make our friendship just way more casual, right. We'd talk after group or maybe we'd text from time to time. But that night set off this cycle of over and over again, u m, where we'd hang out as friends, um, and then maybe, you know, we might cuddle up as friends and then maybe we'd start smooching j ust a s friends, of course. U m, and then one of us would say like,"Hey, you know, we're having so much fun hanging out as friends, you know, why don't we try dating again?" But inevitably one of us would freak out. And so t he cycle continued. Um, but eventually we did make it back to Amelia's bedroom. And after the kissing and all of the heavy petting, you know, we reached that moment of no return. I froze up and I pulled away a nd I moved my body to the edge of her queen size mattress. And I put my arms under my body and I looked away from her towards the wall. And I thought,"This is it," right. This is the moment when she decides that she just can't do it anymore. But Amelia did exactly what Amelia does best. And just like that night, y ou k now, that we first met, she asked if I needed help. And I said yes. And she asked if she could touch me. And I said yes. And so she put her fingers on my back and she was soothing me and caressing me. And I turned my head towards her and I smiled. So she, y ou k now, picked up the pace and eventually, you know, I start making those intimate sounds, right, that let your partner know, like,"Hey, you're doing something real good. U h, don't stop." Right. U m, and so she started moving her hands all over my body and in these intricate patterns. U m, and y ou k now, eventually she lifted her hands f rom my body and I noticed that there was this swirling ball of energy in my chest. And I've never experienced pleasure that intense, you know, certainly not from simple touch, but definitely not, you know, something that just hung there in the body. And so, you know, I let Amelia know what was going on, a nd instantly, right, she put on her scientist's cap and was like,"We are going to figure this thing out." U m, so she starts touching my neck and I feel the energy m ove t o my stomach and she touches my arm and I feel the energy, you know, shoot up my legs. And s he's like,"What if I, y ou k now, touch your arm and your leg at the same time? And what if I s wirl on your chest, like clockwise and counterclockwise?" And then what if, and what if, a nd what if, until we just collapsed into a heap of ecstasy. And then we pulled out our phones, right? Like, and let me tell you, trying to, y ou k now, search the internet for what had just happened, u h, without already knowing exactly what this whole tantric thing's about, u h, was damn near impossible, but I felt in that moment like e verything w as g oing t o be o kay. U m, even though it would take us month after, after month trying to figure out if we were more than, y ou k now, just friends, um, I knew that there were other ways to love and it was g oing t o be this awesome adventure, getting to figure them all out. And from time to time, Amelia and I would get together and we would explore those possibilities together. Until s o one morning, you know, w e've been hanging out day and night for two weeks, u m, and Amelia sits up in bed and there's this beautiful sunlight streaming through her, her s tained glass windows and illuminating those curls that I just adore so much. And she asked me, you know,"Is this the time? Is this when we finally get together for real?" Uh, nothing has ever been so easy to say with such certainty than,"Yes, m y l ove." Later, I would write in my diary that, you know, we don't always get to choose the endings to the stories we set out to tell for ourselves. I wanted to give insight into what it was like for me to have to discover queer intimacy like all the way in my mid-thirties, and it really turned into this love letter to my best friend. And, you know, no matter who flirted first or who pulled away last, we held o nto the hope that we would find each other in the end. Thank you.
Steven Harowitz:And that's a wrap. You can make sure to hear the other episodes from our Advanced Storytelling graduates by subscribing to Campfire at Home, wherever you get your podcasts. And if you liked what you heard and you're able, please leave a review. It helps others find our podcast and it supports our students. If you were listening to tonight's episode and thought that's pretty cool, well, we'd love to have you come out to an event or take a class. You can visit cmpfr.com. That's C M P F R.com for all the details. And whether you live in St. Louis or nowhere nearby, there are ways to take classes and attend our events. Virtually you can find out more at cmpfr.com. That's C M P F R.com. As always a big thank you to the Campfire team, our podcast producer Jeff Allen, and everyone who attends these live events. Tonight's stories were recorded live on Zoom from across the country. Thanks for listening to Campfire at Home. And thanks for letting me be your host. I'm Steven Harowitz. Until next time.