"How does love change us?" featuring Chris Santillan

This episode features Chris Santillan, one of Campfire’s Fellows. Chris provides his answer to the Season 14 question, "How does love change us?" A Fellow’s Campfire can best be described as TED without the data, The Moth but interactive, and a sermon but without the religion. You can learn more about Chris Santillan on the Campfire website, https://cmpfr.com/events/chris-santillan/.

The Campfire Fellows go through rigorous training and coaching provided by Campfire Faculty so they can share their wisdom through story for you. Our Fellows are the people next to you at stoplights or walking by on the street. These Fellows apply or are nominated by people like you, who know interesting and introspective people with some wisdom to share. The Fellows go through a unique process with our team to discover a wealth of wisdom inside themselves and then are trained on how to share the origin stories of their wisdom. 

This episode was originally performed in July 2024, produced by Jeff Allen, and recorded live at Work & Leisure.

Please be advised, some adult language is used during this episode.

Transcript

Steven Harowitz (0:12)

Hello Internet. I'm Steven Harowitz and I will be your host for this episode of the Campfire Storytelling Podcast, recorded here in St. Louis, Missouri. This podcast shares stories about life and how we live it, as told at our live storytelling events. In this episode, we hear from our Season 14 Fellow Chris Santillian. 

Something to know about this episode is that the stories we hear from our Campfire Fellows can be pretty different from some of our other storytellers. Our Fellows program is interactive, it’s long form storytelling. And that’s pretty different than other storytelling podcasts, that the story’s maybe are a bit shorter. These episodes are a deep dive into somebody’s life and are really best listened to when you want to sink into a story. So let’s head to the Campfire to listen to Chris’ story as he answers the season question: “How does love change us?”

Chris Santillan (1:18)

Oh, this is going to be fun. First up, I want to thank all of you for taking the time out of your busy lives and schedules just to come here and share space with me for this moment. You know, and I really appreciate that you all dedicated a section of time just so that we can get together because it's very few and far between that we really get these moments nowadays.

And I just want to reflect on this moment and how significant it is. So if you'll indulge me, I'd like to take us through a little exercise. And it's an exercise in two parts. And what's going to happen as I'm going to explain the first part of the exercise, we'll do it and then I'll explain the second part of the exercise. And we'll do that. Does everybody understand? 

Chris Santillan (2:02)

Okay, great. So, now for the first part of this exercise, I want you to think about all those commitments, those obligations, those Google calendar appointments, your laundry, grocery list. I want us to close our eyes and think about those things as they come up to the surface. All those things that… all those commitments that we have on the outside these walls. I want us to think about them, just briefly touch them, and release them. And we're going to do that for about 20 seconds. So, everybody ready? Let's go. 

Chris Santillan (3:03)

Thank you so much for that. Now, for the second part of this exercise, I want us to look around this space and notice all the little details, the materials this room's made out of, the floor under your feet, what your seats feel like. I want us also to notice each other. How we came to this space, how we present ourselves. Maybe we dressed up in our finest get up. Maybe we just threw on our comfy clothes and just walked in. But for most of us, we came as we want to be seen. So for 30 seconds, I want us just to take a moment, take a beat, and notice. Everybody ready? And go.

Chris Santillan (4:16)

Now, the reason why I went through this exercise with y'all is because oftentimes we have to put our attention and focus when we're talking about really significant subjects. Which brings us to our season question. How does love change us?

Chris Santillan (4:35)

Now, as Steven said, when Jude and I, my season partner, we were eagerly anticipating what the question was going to be and both of us are self-proclaimed hopeless romantics. So when the question was finally revealed, “How does love change us?” We were like, “Yes, God damn!” It's like yes, we might. Gosh, we started celebrating. We started hugging each other, high fiving. I'm like, my gosh, this is so great. This is incredible. This is perfect. And then we looked at each other a split second later. Oh shit. How does love change us? That's like the biggest question in all of existence. How does that change us? I mean, it sounds like one of those questions that needs to be boomed through a P.A. system by like James Earl Jones or Morgan Freeman, some voice of God.

Chris Santillan (5:24) 

How does love change us? Like, how does love change us? How do I have any authority whatsoever to talk about love and how it changes us? I'm just some dude in front of a microphone right now. I have no idea how to even begin to explain how love changes us. All I know is how love changed me. I don't know about love, but I know what I know about love.

Chris Santillan (5:54)

And so that little switch kind of opened the doors for me to understand that oftentimes when we're faced with big questions, they require small answers. When we have these big subjects, oftentimes it's the little things, the trivial things, the random things that are often overlooked that more often than not actually have the key to it all. So, for example, as a random, random little thing. I remember when I was nine years old and I went on a family trip to Expo ‘86 in Vancouver, Canada. Now, it was like the World's Fair back in ‘86 and you know, it was cool. It had like, they built a monorail. They had a roller coaster. They had freakin’ robots. I mean, it was awesome.

Chris Santillan (6:55)

And so while we're walking through the fair, some guy comes up to me, puts something in my hand and leaves. And I open my hand and I look and I see a snow globe of Hawaii. At the Vancouver Expo in Canada. So I don't know what to think of it. I don't know. I don't know who the guy was. I don't even know he worked for the Expo. All I know is that guy gave me a thing and it was just some I guess it was a random act of kindness. I don't know. Is anything happened to anybody else in the crowd like that, or am I the weird one? Don't. Stop, don't answer that. Let's do something instead. 

Chris Santillan (7:41)

Now in your packets you'll find a pen and a piece of paper. I want you guys to go ahead and take out that pen and paper now. So, okay. What I want us to do is on that piece of paper, I want us all, when I say go, jot down some random act of kindness that you have ever received from a stranger, somebody you don't know.

Chris Santillan (8:10)

Now, to be clear, it doesn't have to be some random guy giving you a souvenir. It can be, I mean, it could be that if you had it, but it could be like somebody helping you with your groceries, giving you a friendly smile across the street. Anything from a random stranger that you've ever received. So we're going to take about, we're going to take about a minute and a half. And if you're willing and able, just jot something down now. 

Chris Santillan (8:57)

And okay. Thank you for doing that. And the reason why I had us go through this little activity is that I want us to look at the note that we wrote. That random act of kindness. And I want us to reflect and consider whether or not that random act of kindness was just some, some general social obligation, a courtesy gesture of politeness, or was it an act of love?

Chris Santillan (9:27)

So by a show of hands who thinks what they wrote down is an act of love? Okay, some people do, some people don't. Which is fine. You know what I wrote on my little paper, it wasn’t the snowglobe dude. It was “guy I didn’t know offered me ice cream in the cold on my front porch”.

Chris Santillan (9:54)

Now, if I was in your shoes right now and somebody asked me that question about this thing, I wouldn't have raised my hand. I would have sat on my hand because, no, I didn't think that this was this capital L love, full of care and affection type of act. I thought it was just somebody filling an obligation. That somebody, that guy I didn't know, was my father. Brilliante Santillan. 

Chris Santillan (10:35)

This was back in Thanksgiving in 1982, and we were living in Saint Louis in the suburbs and it was one of the few years where it actually snowed in Saint Louis. And as a typical American family, we celebrated by having Thanksgiving dinner. As a typical Filipino family, that meant inviting 11teen aunties and uncles, titos, titas, all sorts of cousins for a feast with like pancit, lechon, igado. It's like Filipino food. Just Google it. Thank me later. 

Chris Santillan (11:13)

But yeah, we were all crammed in, they were all crammed into this little house, you know, laughing and cooking, celebrating, gossiping, sharing all this warmth and love and affection with each other. And me, seven year old me, was sitting on the front steps in the cold, isolated in my own little snowy bubble, feeling like the saddest, loneliest, most sullen boy in the world.

Chris Santillan (11:51)

I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life in that bubble. When all of a sudden the front door opens up, my dad comes out. He steps on the front porch, looks at me and says, “Let's get some ice cream”. Now on the face of it, it seems like, okay, father and son, go out to the ice cream store to share a sweet treat.

Chris Santillan (12:19)

I mean, it sounds like something that you would find in like a heartwarming moment in a Super Bowl commercial. Yeah, that has to be an act of love, right? Well, it wasn’t an act of love for me because when I was sitting there on that front step cold and miserable, just feeling like the loneliest boy in the world, hoping for one ounce of the warmth that was radiating out of the house from behind me to be literally offered cold comfort.

Chris Santillan (13:00)

That didn't seem like love for me. It seemed like my dad wanted to go to Baskin-Robbins for Jamocha Almond Fudge, his favorite ice cream, and I just happened to be there when he opened the door to go to his car. It wasn't love for me. It was an obligation because it wasn't an act of love because I thought at the time my father wasn't loving.

Chris Santillan (13:28)

Now I know that there's a little bit of explanation. So let me tell you a little bit about what I did know about my father.

Chris Santillan (13:39)

Now, there's two things: what I heard about my father and what I knew about my father. What I heard about my father: My father immigrated from the Philippines to New York to be a doctor back in the ‘70’s. Now, at relatively the same time, my mother, Beatrice, hi mom, she also moved to the States to become a nurse and they went on a date.

Chris Santillan (14:14)

A blind date. And on that blind date they're sitting on the couch. My dad turns to my mom and says, “I'm going to marry you. Will you marry me?” Wow, the stones on that guy. I mean, my gosh, he was a man. All right, that's the love that I'm talking about. That's the capital L, like heart on your sleeve, stars in your eyes type of love that I envision. I mean, that's like, dude. Yeah, that's the stuff they write books about. I mean, Nicholas Sparks would have made like The Notebook 2: Electric Boogaloo about the dude. Right? But you know, that's what I heard about him. But I didn't know anything like that. What I didn't know about my father

Chris Santillan (15:08)

What I did know about my father starts when I was five years old. And I turned the big five and I was finally able to take a big boy bath. A shower! And so I was hyped. I was growing up. And so, you know, I'm thinking to myself, Hey, I'm a grown up now. I'm going to go where the grown ups go to take a bath: my parents bathroom.

Chris Santillan (15:32)

So I grabbed the biggest towel I could find. I grab the shampoo, grab soap, and I run on into the bathroom where my dad's in the mirror shaving. Jump into the shower. I'm sitting there, lathering myself up, and I'm just excited, you know, soap is like, in my eyes 3 different times. But I didn't care because I'm doing it Jack. I'm just like going. I'm rinsing myself off. I jump out of the shower and I'm drying myself off. And I’m drying off my feet, I'm drying off my body, I'm drying up my face, I'm drying up my hair and the towel is so big I can't see anything. But I finally find the edge and I look out, my face just beaming, just looking at my dad.

Chris Santillan (16:08)

Like hey look at me. I did it. And I guess I expected like a chuckle or like, that's my boy or anything that you would expect from, like, sitcom dads, right? Like Danny Tanner from Full House or Carl Winslow from Family Matters or whoever the dad is on, like Growing Pains, whatever. But what I expected wasn't what I got. What I got was disappointment.

Chris Santillan (16:41)

Shame. Disgust. And I'm looking like you did. I didn't know what was going on. There was a question in my eyes, and I guess my dad had some sort of telepathy because he said the question that I was asking. He looks at me and says, “What's wrong with you? Why do you do that? Why do you dry off your feet before your face?”

Chris Santillan (17:14)

I don't know the answer to that question. I didn't know what was wrong with me, but apparently something was wrong with me because here's my father, the man I idolized, the man that I wanted to be like. I showered in his shower just now, said something was wrong with me. So without saying another word my dad turns back to the mirror and I slink out of the bathroom.

Chris Santillan (17:46)

A couple of years later, I joined the Cub Scouts, you know, because growing up in the suburbs of Saint Louis and in this white neighborhood, as a brown kid, I wanted to fit in. And that's what the white kids did. So I joined the Cub Scouts. I wanted a sense of belonging. That's what they did so that's what I'm going to do.

Chris Santillan (18:08)

And in the Cub Scouts, they have what's called the Cub Scout manual. It's a little booklet, a little pamphlet, where you have all these different activities that you can do, like knot tying or map reading all these different things. And you can earn merit badges by completing these activities. So I'm flying through these things, right? I'm checking things off, checking things off, earning little merit badges.

Chris Santillan (18:31)

This is great. Yeah, I'm a Cub Scout, right? And I'm flying through these things, and then I turn the page and the next activity is go swimming with your father. Now, from previous experience around water, just showering, there was no way in hell I was going to ask him to go swimming. Heck, I didn't even know if he knew how to swim.

Chris Santillan (18:56)

So I didn't ask. More than that, I quit the scouts. I quit that sense of belonging. And at that moment I quit my father. I quit talking to him. Not that he even really noticed. I quit calling him Dad. I called him Father because dads are supposed to do stuff with their kids. Dads are supposed to be more loving to their sons.

Chris Santillan (19:30)

Now, don't get me wrong, he was a good father. He was a great father. He kept a roof over our head. He kept food in the fridge. He made it possible for us to go to good schools. But everything that I was desperately seeking for in a dad, all the love and the affection and the guidance, I couldn't find it in him.

Chris Santillan (19:56)

I couldn't identify with him. I couldn't relate to him. So at that point, I don't even know if I really wanted to, so I quit trying. And so when I was a seven year old back on that step and my father offers me ice cream, no, I didn't consider it an act of love. It was just somebody fulfilling an obligation.

Chris Santillan (20:22)

It was just some random coincidence that I happened to be there because I didn't belong there. Fortunately, when you're a kid and you feel like you don't belong and you feel like you're not loved, as you grow up, it's easy to find other kids who feel exactly the same way. And I'm not talking about outcasts. It's more like feeling like a visitor in your own hometown.

Chris Santillan (20:56)

And so we…. Well, I found them and they found me. And we became this group of not belongs, this pack of misfit kids. And when you're a misfit kid, you do misfit things. We were sneaking out of the house, smoking, stealing liquor out of our parents liquor cabinet. Sorry, Mom. And we were just, like, TP’ing people's houses that we didn't like.

Chris Santillan (21:25)

We TP’ed the houses of people we did like, you know, and we went skateboarding through the mall. And then we booked it, like when the security guards were chasing after us. We did all this together. We did everything together. When we were lonely, we held each other. When things got bad at home, we were there for each other and we were going through traumas and crises we supported each other. 

Chris Santillan (21:54)

We fought for each other. We fought with each other. And we did this all together. You know, we bonded sometimes in not the most healthy of ways, but it didn't matter because we were there for each other. This is what I was looking for. This was that sense of belonging, the sense of love that capital L love, that, you know, was like etched in granite and written in the stars.

Chris Santillan (22:24)

This was because it was big and was bold and it was damaged and it was beautiful. And most importantly, it was ours. Our own little world. Our own perfect little bubble. Now, kind of like a snow globe. A perfectly captured moment where we loved each other. And we thought it was going to last forever. Now, by a show of hands, if you're willing and able, how many people have that perfect moment in their mind. That moment of true love, where it could be romantic, platonic, familial, but that moment in time that you wish could have lasted forever.

Chris Santillan (23:16)

Okay, now, for those of us that raised your hands, I mean, if you could speak to some of the emotions that are captured in that moment. Just yell them out, anybody. Joy, yes. Connection, exactly. Peace, yes. Those are the exact things that I found in this group, in this bubble. And like I said, these are the big feelings, the big emotions.

Chris Santillan (23:50)

And I thought it was like all the BFFs and true love forever. And everything is like Ride or Die, and we're just going to be there for the rest of our lives. This was going to last for forever, but nothing truly lasts forever. Time changes, time happens. And looking back as an adult, it's easy to understand that change happens with the passage of time.

Chris Santillan (24:27)

But as a teenager, I didn't want it to change because it was heartbreaking. It felt like my whole world was falling apart and this bubble was my life. These people were my life and everything was starting to crumble. It was too big to fail. I didn't, I couldn't have it failed because my whole life was going to end with that.

Chris Santillan (24:57)

So I thought, in order to save a big thing, you had to do a big thing. Drastic times call for drastic measures after all. So I did a big thing. I did a drastic thing. I did a horrible thing. And I ended up, I ended up shattering that snow globe and my life and all the consequences that went with it went spilling out and over the lives of way too many people.

Chris Santillan (25:42)

As a result, ironically, I did find forever. I found forever standing in front of a judge who said that I was going to spend the rest of my life in prison. So I went to another bubble. But this wasn't a beautiful round bubble. It was a bubble of concrete and steel, all angles and sharp edges. And inside there was nothing beautiful about it.

Chris Santillan (26:21)

It was cold, it was lonely, it was sad. Which actually kind of reminded me of that front step and the similarity in my mind kind of convinced me maybe that's the way it was supposed to be all along. Maybe my father was right. Maybe something was wrong with me. Maybe love is something that other people deserve. So love changed me by its absence.

Chris Santillan (27:03)

But as I told you before, time happens. And so as time passed at Potosi Correctional Center, I tried to find stuff that I was good at. And one of the first things that I found was being an adult education tutor in the Education Department. I was assigned to assist a teacher by the name of Miss Marie Casey.

Chris Santillan (27:32)

Now, if you're going to open up Wikipedia right now and type in “what does a typical teacher from the 1800s / 1900s look like?” Ms. Casey would pop up. And that was her. I mean, she looked like granny from Looney Tunes, you know, with the big gingham skirts and the blousy top, long sleeves, hair all done in a bun, tiny glasses.

Chris Santillan (27:53)

That was her. I mean, no knock on her. She was a great teacher. I mean, she was always very diligent, thoughtful in her lesson plans. She always had all this cool stuff just, you know, plastered on the bulletin boards, educational materials and whatnot. And she always brought in these old university textbooks if anybody wanted to learn more. 

Chris Santillan (28:18)

But she was very formal. Some people would call cold, some less nice people would call frigid. I mean, she wouldn't even call you by your first name. It was always “Good morning, Mr. Santillan. How are you doing, Mr. Smith? Please turn in your quiz, Mr. Tatro.” And she was very polite. I mean, don't get me wrong, but it was almost robotically so. You know, I guess the only thing that maybe was slightly out of character is that once a week, every Monday morning, she would write this corny ass joke on the chalkboard.

Chris Santillan (29:00)

And one of these jokes that I remember, and it's always sticking in my mind, is “what did the mother of buffalo say to the baby buffalo when he went off to school?” Anybody have a guess? Say it. “Bi-son.” Told you, corny. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, that was the only thing. I mean, she was cold, but I enjoyed working for her.

Chris Santillan (29:33)

You know, they said she was cold and she was distant and unaffectionate. But at that point I was used to people being cold and distant and unaffectionate towards me. I mean, my father was. And so I helped her out, read the books that she brought in and went about my days. When one day Miss Casey, she comes up to me at the end of class. And she says, “Mr. Santillan, I have to tell you something. Today is going to be my last day. I'm going to leave Mr. Santillan. I have to leave. Mr. Santillan.” That's the way she talked. “But before I go, I want to give you something. But you must promise me, Mr. Santillan, not to open it until after I leave.”

Chris Santillan (30:32)

Okay, Miss Casey, not weird at all, but that's cool. You know, so she goes about packing up all her things, like literally in a cardboard box, like you see in the movies. Gets up with her things, and as she's going to the door, she hands me something and leaves without saying another word. It was an envelope.

Chris Santillan (31:01)

And so I go back to my room and I sit down and I open up the envelope and inside the envelope is a note. It’s this note. And uh, I'm going to need a little help here. So Jude, if you'd be so kind to read this note, I’d really appreciate it. 

Chris Santillan (31:31)

“To the most intelligent man I have ever known, now that I gave you a sense of humor. So many times, you reminded me of my own son. So many similar actions and looks. But you are not. I would too, too much enjoy hugging you goodbye. I can never replace the best. I fill with jealousy thinking someone else will use you now. Who will answer all of my questions now? Will I even have questions?” And she signed it “bi-son”. 

Chris Santillan (32:22)

Thanks Jude. Now I remember reading this to myself and as I read that last line the only thing I remember is the note slipping in my fingers and gently fluttering to the floor. My mind broke. My heart broke wide open. And why? Because here's this person, Miss Casey, who I didn't think Miss Casey equals a loving person.

Chris Santillan (32:55)

She was loving me the whole time in the only way she knew how in that environment. Maybe she was loving me in the only way she knew how. And it wasn't in, it wasn’t with big things or dramatic things. It was corny jokes. It was books that she brought in that as it turns out, only I was reading. They were university textbooks.

Chris Santillan (33:24)

We were a basic adult education program. We were teaching grammar and like pre-algebra. But I didn't notice it at the time. I didn't notice that she was being loving to me in all these little ways. My world was full of love and I didn't see it because it wasn't big, it wasn't bold. It was small, it was trivial, it was almost insignificant.

Chris Santillan (34:05)

And as I thought of that, I immediately flashed back to that front step. Thinking about my father and that ice cream and thinking that this small, this seemingly trivial random act was the only way my father knew how to love me. He loved me by sharing a piece of himself, his favorite ice cream with me. He didn't know any other way, and I didn't get it.

Chris Santillan (34:49)

I didn't get it at the time because it wasn't big and it wasn't dramatic. It was small, it was seemingly insignificant. Something often overlooked. But as I said earlier tonight, many times, it's the small, random things that we overlook that offer the key to it all. For me, it gave me the key to identify with my father. It gave me the key to find my dad.

Chris Santillan (35:31)

It gave me the key to see my dad in me. I do random shit to help, you know, to show people that I care. I mean, I gave this random candy bar, a chick-o-stick, to somebody. Somebody I didn't know. Years later, I call her my sister. I randomly gave two rocks to two separate people. Today, those two people are the most important people in my life.

Chris Santillan (36:13)

It's often the little things, the misunderstood things, the mistaken things for just politeness or courtesy that might mean nothing. Kind of like those notes with those random acts of kindness that you, that you wrote down, that we all wrote down tonight. They could be nothing, but they could also mean the world. They can expand the bubble of our lives and fill it like a snow globe with love and beauty.

Chris Santillan (37:02)

If only we take a moment. We take a beat and notice it all. Now, for those of us who are willing and able, I want us to take these little notes, these random acts of kindness that could be nothing, but also could mean everything, and I want you to help me make this snow globe of ours even more beautiful.

Chris Santillan (37:47)

So if you're willing and able there are Campfire staff positioned here and here. And if you can give your notes to them, you can go up and give it to them, and they'll help you attach these notes to a snowflake, which you can then attach to some of the clothespins around the room and make this snow globe even better.

Chris Santillan (38:13)

And if you're willing, but not able to simply raise your note in the air and somebody will take it and take care of it for you. You can go ahead and do that now. 

Chris Santillan (38;40)

Okay, it looks like we're ready. Thank you guys for that. This has made it beautiful. This has made it been more beautiful. I mean I love this snow globe, but my snow globe had Hawaii in it. So bam, there you go. That's better, that's beautiful, man. This is… thank you for doing that kindness for me. And when I think about how does love change us? How has love changed me?

Chris Santillan (39:19)

Love has changed me in how I see love. How I perceive connection. Because that's what love is, trying to connect with another person in all the little ways. And so as we close this evening, I want to try to connect with y'all by offering you a little thing. Over at the bar, you'll find a selection of little ice creams.

Chris Santillan (39:54)

Now, there's a variety of flavors there, including my personal favorite flavor. Anybody want to guess what that flavor is? Say it. It was my dad's favorite, Jamocha Almond Fudge. So, feel free to share and partake and do all that. But before we do, I want to ask you guys, what is the first thing that you do when you get a snow globe?

Chris Santillan (40:26)

You shake it up! So what I want us all to do is to give this snow globe one final shake. There's balloons coming out over here. So help me out to give this snowball that we've created one final shake. All right, all right, all right. Settle down. Settle down. No, it's great. It's great.

Chris Santillan (40:57)

Thank you for doing that. That's been amazing. And matter of fact, this night’s been amazing. And I want to thank you all for coming out. This has meant the world to me and you guys just being here mean the world to me. And I want to tell you how much you mean to me in the words of my father, my dad. “Let's get some ice cream.” Thank you very much. 

Steven Harowitz (41:34)

That is a wrap. Make sure you’re notified when our next episodes hit the airwaves by subscribing to the Campfire Storytelling Podcast wherever you get your podcasts. And, if you liked what you heard, please leave a review. It helps others find our podcast and it really does support the storytellers. Hey, we’d love to have you come out to an event or take a class. Visit cmpfr.com. 

Steven Harowitz (42:02)

Our live events and these episodes are all ad and sponsor free. We can only do that because of the folks who take our public classes and the organizational clients we get to work with. If you or an organization you work with are interested in learning storytelling, please reach out. Visit cmpfr.com for all the details. As always, a huge thank you to the Campfire team, everybody who attends our live events, and of course our storytellers. Thank you for listening to the Campfire Storytelling Podcast. I’ve been your host, Steven Harowitz. Until next time.