"How do you know when you've outgrown a container?" featuring Samantha Lander

This episode features Samantha Lander, one of Campfire’s Fellows. Samantha provides her answer to the Season 16 question, "What does the body know?" A Fellow’s Campfire can best be described as TED without the data, The Moth but interactive, and a sermon but without the religion. You can learn more about Samantha Lander on the Campfire website, https://cmpfr.com/events/samantha-lander/.

The Campfire Fellows go through rigorous training and coaching provided by Campfire Faculty so they can share their wisdom through story for you. Our Fellows are the people next to you at stoplights or walking by on the street. These Fellows apply or are nominated by people like you, who know interesting and introspective people with some wisdom to share. The Fellows go through a unique process with our team to discover a wealth of wisdom inside themselves and then are trained on how to share the origin stories of their wisdom. 

This episode was originally performed in May 2025, produced by Jeff Allen, and recorded live at Work & Leisure.

Please be advised, some adult language is used during this episode and there are adult themes.

Transcript

Steven Harowitz (0:13):

Hello Internet. I'm Steven Harowitz and I will be your host for this episode of the Campfire Storytelling Podcast, recorded here in St. Louis, Missouri. This podcast shares stories about life and how we live it, as told at our live storytelling events. And the stories you get to listen to are from our Campfire Fellows and they do long form, interactive storytelling all focused around a season question that our audience gets to vote on. That season question is basically the prompt. It is the inspiration for what stories the Fellows go out and discover. So they actually get into this storytelling program without a story in mind, but in it for the discovery. So that’s what makes this podcast and these episodes so fun. 

And while you’re listening, I have an ask. Our Fellows are trying to answer the season question through their stories. And so as you’re listening, and maybe when you get to the episode’s end ask yourself, “What would my answer be to this question?” It’s a nice moment for reflection, it’s a nice moment to take a breath. So join us, just like our audiences do at our live events. They actually get to answer the season question. We want the same for you. 

Okay, that’s enough chit chat. Let’s get down to the thing that you’re here to do. Let’s head to the Campfire to listen to Samantha’s stories as she answers the season question: “How do you know when you’ve outgrown a container?"

Samantha Lander (1:48):

Hi, guys. First, I want to thank you guys all for coming tonight. With everything that's going on, I really appreciate it. I know there's the tornado and there's a lot of stress in the community, so I appreciate that you guys have come together and hopefully you feel a little better leaving. Alright. 

Samantha Lander (2:06):

August 27th, 2005. I'm walking out of my apartment. The one I'm currently living in out in LA. The sun is shining. Strolling out to go look at a new apartment. A loft downtown. I'm super excited. I'm going to kind of upgrade. And I'm walking out and to the left of me there's a guy sitting at the patio furniture, and I get this pit in my stomach. And I'm like, something's not right.

Samantha Lander (2:37):

But I kind of ignore it and I keep strolling out. My car's parked on the side of just the loading dock. And I see another car with this girl with, like, super dyed hair. And all I can think of was like, Punky Brewster if you're trying to picture her. But it just didn't feel right. Like she didn't fit in.

Samantha Lander (2:54):

And I couldn't figure it out. But I got that feeling again in my gut. But I didn't listen. So, I'm opening my car door, and I feel these two big hands grab my shoulders. They turn me around and they throw me on the grass. “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say. La la la la la.”

Samantha Lander (3:19):

And I'm thinking in my head, “They have got this all wrong. This is totally a mistake. No no no no no.” And then I'm thinking, “oh, this is definitely not a mistake. This is definitely happening. And I probably deserve every single bit of it.” So I hear over the radio. We have an aggressive dog. We're going to have to do what we need to do.

Samantha Lander (3:46):

And that's when I spoke my first words. I said, “please, please, please let me go get my dog. Whatever you do, just let me get my dog.” Oh, I forgot my pictures. There's my dog. That's Lexie. So they let me get my dog. I go upstairs, they keep me handcuffed. I get down on my knees and I shimmy my way to my dog.

Samantha Lander (4:11):

And I clip the leash on her neck. My neighbor takes her. They take me, real dramatic L.A. style, you know? Put me right out on the patio in front of everyone in the apartment building. And then they put a big hoodie on me, and then they throw the hood over my head. Remember, it's August in LA. Like, seriously?

Samantha Lander (4:32):

So I sit there waiting. My head is spinning for about 2 to 3 hours.

Samantha Lander (4:42):

So there was probably about four trucks of SWAT ready people coming in. So many guns. You would have thought the president was in my apartment.

Samantha Lander (4:55):

And it was me. It wasn't a mistake. So they're searching my apartment. I'm sitting outside in the front in a hoodie. And a guy finally comes out, starts talking to me. “Well, you look like a pretty good girl. Like, you know, we all make mistakes.” I'm thinking. Yeah. And I just looked at him. I said, it's crazy. Two weeks ago, I made a decision to quit selling drugs.

Samantha Lander (5:20):

And here I was.

Samantha Lander (5:24):

He's like, well, we all make mistakes. I'm like, I know I went to University of Michigan. Like, I'm smarter than this. I don't know what's happened. And I didn't know what had happened at this point. It was very confusing for me. The container that I had created out in LA was very like, I didn't really know where my place was.

Samantha Lander (5:49):

So they take me, they finish, they finish doing my apartment, they take me down to Beverly Hills, right? I only go to Beverly Hills, where I get checked in, not checked in, but booked. And [laugher] sorry. And I go in and I go into this cell. Let me tell you about this container, you guys. It was the darkest cement I have ever seen.

Samantha Lander (6:15):

Like LA style. Like it must have been really expensive cement because I've never seen anything like it. Super, super dark, rounded walls, a silver slab and a silver toilet. And a little window. Right? I'm thinking, like, I'm going to go with Lisa. I'm going to get like a bunch of bars and I can talk to the person next to me, like you see in the TV.

Samantha Lander (6:37):

No, it was not like that. That door shut. And they told me I had a $500,000 bail.

Samantha Lander (6:47):

That's a $50,000 bond to get out. So I'm stubborn, if you guys don't know me. So I'm definitely not going to call my parents. There's no way that I'm going to call my parents, right? I did everything that I… I deserved every bit of being there. And I was accepting that this was going to be my new container and my new normal.

Samantha Lander (7:13):

This is how it was going to be. I couldn't call a friend. My friends don't have that money. If I had any that were still talking to me, like real friends. So I sat there, you know, I thought about what my life is going to be like. All the mistakes I had made. I didn't really feel like I had a lot of regret then, because I actually felt a little bit of relief because it was. I thought maybe it was over because my life was so bad at that point.

Samantha Lander (7:45):

So, I was a little worried about detoxing and things like that. Like that was coming into my mind and I woke up in the morning and they had buzzed through the buzzer and they said, “do you mind talking to us?” And I said, “no, I'll have a conversation.”

Samantha Lander (8:07):

Like they came in and they asked me a couple questions and I really didn't have the answers. I got very lucky. My drug dealer had been busted a couple weeks prior, so I didn't have to snitch. I didn't have to do any of that stuff. I got lucky. I don't know what I would have done in that situation.

Samantha Lander (8:25):

So they shut the door. And I waited about another hour and I hear over the buzzer. “Alright, we're going to let you out. But we need you know, we are going to have to sign some papers that you're going to show up for court.” So they let me out with the agreement that I'm going to show up for court.

Samantha Lander (8:45):

Otherwise they're going to put a warrant out for my arrest. I said, okay, so I get out and I have no car, I have no keys, I have no money, I have nothing. So I'm out in Beverly Hills, hitchhiking my way home to my apartment that had just been raided. I'm walking up the stairs and there's these two guys at the top of the stairs when I get there. 

Samantha Lander (9:07):

Big burly guys, one in a white polo with kind of this, like, little symbol on it, looked kind of like a government symbol. And inside of it was the Missouri state, you know, outline of the state. And I'm like, what is going on? Like, I thought maybe it was like the Beverly Hills guys. Maybe they left something.

Samantha Lander (9:29):

So I go up there and they tell me that they're from the Missouri Federal Postal investigation. So they took me to that patio table that I had that gut feeling earlier that day, and they told me that they had my best friend. She told them everything. And that I was potentially looking at a case, a federal case, for mailing drugs across state lines.

Samantha Lander (9:54):

But the the crazy part is that someone was out there looking out for me, and, and I got a phone call from her about a year prior, and I got that gut feeling, but I actually listened to it this time. She started asking me some kind of uncomfortable questions that a drug dealer would not want to be asked on a phone.

Samantha Lander (10:15):

And I hung up and I didn't talk to her for a year. So here I am. I'm looking at a federal case and a state case, and I'm sitting in my apartment. So I'm going to have you guys do me a little favor. I'm going to have all of you guys close your eyes. Alright, so this one, we're going to keep it a little less vulnerable.

Samantha Lander (10:46):

But you're all going to close your eyes. And on the count of three I'm going to have you give me one clap, not 50 claps. Stephen likes to clap a lot so I have to clarify that. And we are going to do one big clap on the count of three. If you know someone in your life, a family member, a teacher, a loved one, a partner, a daughter, a son has been impacted by someone who is addicted to drugs or alcohol or addiction.

Samantha Lander (11:18):

Alright. [random claps] Wait, what you got, you got to wait ‘til I say three. But that's eager, see we all know someone. All right. One. Close your eyes. Two. Three.

Audience (11:32):

[loud clap in unison]

Samantha Lander (11:35):

Pretty powerful. Did you guys hear that? I heard it, and I saw it.

Samantha Lander (11:46):

Alright, let me take you back to little Samantha. I actually went to University of Michigan, which is funny. So, if you ask my parents about me or my aunt or my uncle, they'll say, “oh, you always wanted to keep up with the big kids. Always trying to keep up, always trying to keep up.” I also won the Saint Louis Post-Dispatch Science Fair competition, first place.

Samantha Lander (12:18):

I was a national synchronized swimmer and a national rower.

Samantha Lander (12:27):

I come from... Oh, yeah. And then I was in prison. Right? Perfect. Go, Webster. So I… my parents…It was a great, great upbringing. Very loving. My mom was a teacher and an artist, but she stayed at home with the kids. My dad's a doctor, and it was great. I got to try everything. All the experiences, the summer camps, the sports, you name it.

Samantha Lander (12:55):

My mom, when I think, when I remember, when I.. When I think about like, when I was going to have a kid, I would think about, I'm going to do all the things that she did. I'm going to put papier maché all over my kid's face and have us walk around and do all these art projects she had. She did it all.

Samantha Lander (13:16):

But I'm going to fast forward a little now. Middle school. Okay. How many of you guys just got that weird pat in your stomach when you said middle school, like, or high school or where you're, like uh huh? It was hard. It was hard. That was a container I did not want to be in. It did not feel right.I had a million friends and none at all.

Samantha Lander (13:42):

Nothing felt right. I tried drinking my way through it, doing drugs, hanging out with the skateboarders, hanging out with the athletes, you name it. But I never fit in. It never felt right. I always wondered what people were saying about me. What was wrong with me? Why don't they like me? It was hard. But I had this one token friend, Teddy.

Samantha Lander (14:06):

He is that friend that you can call day or night, right? Ten years later, 20 years later, did not matter. So here's an example of Teddy. I had my first, like, super heartbreak in college, where, you know, your heart is just literally like ripped out of you and like, you feel like someone has stomped on it and all you could do is wait.

Samantha Lander (14:32):

You got to wait to go through it. You're crying, like all the ugly cries. It's just rough. So I called Teddy, and Teddy said, “well, will you just come visit me? It's going to be great. I got you.” Right, because that's what your real friends do. So I got on a plane and I went to go visit Teddy right.

Samantha Lander (14:55):

I get off this plane, and I was in the container that I was going to move in, and I was going to live it, and I was going there. It was it. And I had even, like, a really even exited the airport. Right? Sunny California. Oh my gosh, you guys, the people there were beautiful. Like, you guys are beautiful.

Samantha Lander (15:18):

You guys are absolutely beautiful. But that was like some next level shit okay. I mean, I don't know, I don't know what's going on there, but I was in heaven. I was going to move there. I loved everyone, I love the sun. I am a sun girl, man. I just need like ten minutes to fix my mood instantly.

Samantha Lander (15:39):

So I got to hang out with Teddy. Showed me all over L.A. Show me where the celebrities lived. And then I got to meet Teddy's friends. So Teddy had recently come out of the closet. So he was gay. And it was my first exposure to gay men. You guys, this container, they liked me, right? They liked everything about me.

Samantha Lander (16:05):

They weren't trying to sleep with me. They were my friend to be actually my friend. That kind of made sense. They were awesome. I felt like I fit in for the first time. They wanted to hang out with me. Like I never had any of those racing thoughts that I had in middle school. This container, was it you guys?

Samantha Lander (16:27):

Oh, I loved it. And that's where I was going to go after college. So with that lifestyle, you know, they introduced me to like the after hour clubs, too. So that was my first exposure to like deejays and house music and electronic music. I actually ended up buying two turntables and becoming a DJ. Later in LA. That's for another story.

Samantha Lander (16:55):

And I, I found my perfect cocktail of what worked for me, right? I tried, and when I say cocktail, it's not drinking like I tried the drinking thing, but I found my perfect cocktail of drugs that were fun. I felt in control, and it worked. So I thought. One of them being meth. So here I was out in LA, and I tried meth for the first time, and I felt even more normal.

Samantha Lander (17:32):

Right? I got these great friends and now I'm like, my head isn't doing all that monkey mind. And everything got leveled out. I could study, I would go back to Michigan and get A's on papers. I was highly functioning, which makes absolutely no sense. Right? It's rational to an addict, but it leveled me out just where I needed to be.

Samantha Lander (17:56):

Now, I know I was self-medicating for ADHD, but I also found other drugs that I loved and this kind of went on. But for me, it was like I had I, I hustle, I work hard, I'm an entrepreneur. I had a lot of jobs when I was in Michigan, so when I was out there, I didn't want to use my hard earned money on drugs.

Samantha Lander (18:18):

Right? Because that doesn't make sense at all. I am going to sell drugs to pay for my use. Right? And that's the rationale that I had. The moral compass was slowly shifting. How am I going to do this? So that's what I did. And I made money and then I made more money. Right? I would bring it back to college, sell drugs and then go back out to LA. So you can put the pieces together.

Samantha Lander (18:58):

Now I'm back at my apartment. I just got out of Beverly Hills. I just talk to the feds, and I go in my apartment. I'm paranoid. I'm at what you would think would be a bottom right there. Right? And I knew when I would get sick and tired of being sick and tired, I would do something about it.

Samantha Lander (19:21):

So I thought my house was bugged. I was so paranoid. They left drugs all over my apartment after they did a SWAT, right? I mean, so many things. And the craziest thing is, when I was working on my campfires, I look back as I spent seven months in that environment. Seven months I held on. Living in that paranoia of freaking out, trying to get sober.

Samantha Lander (19:56):

And then one day, I'm sitting there and I'm looking at my dog, and I ask Lexie, “should I go to rehab?” Right? I kind of learned a little bit about it. At this point, I still did not identify as an addict at all. Right? After all of this stuff has happened, I still did not identify as having a problem.

Samantha Lander (20:24):

I had legal problems, but I wasn't an addict. An addict is someone who's homeless, who lives out of a car and is shooting up heroin. Right? That's what I thought.

Samantha Lander (20:36):

So Lexie comes and she puts her head on my lap. That was my answer. I pick up the phone and I call my parents, and I tell them that I found this rehab in Malibu, and you kayak and you get massages all day, and I'm only going for 28 days. And that's how that was going to roll, right?

Samantha Lander (21:00):

So, trying to control things like an addict does and they said okay, you know, they were very, very supportive, always. They supported me through everything. And they called back. I said I said it's $50,000 down. But it only cost $7,000 to go to the rehab. Like that's where I was at at this end of the seven months. I get it makes no sense.

Samantha Lander (21:28):

And I remember they call him back and be like, yeah, that doesn't make any sense. But and there's, I remember my dad, you know, and “there's not a 12 step program, Samantha. You are not going.” And I was like, okay, that didn't work. And so you need to find one that has a 12 step program. And I said, okay, fine, I'm only going 28 days and it has to have a pool.

Samantha Lander (21:50):

Right. And I went to this amazing rehab. I did not get in the pool once. So, I went to rehab. Day one, April 19th, 2006. I have not used any of the drugs, my favorite drugs since then, but that's the day I checked myself into rehab. Oh, okay, guys, you want to talk about this container? If I could bottle it up and sell it, I would be a billionaire.

Samantha Lander (22:21):

They call it a pink cloud in AA or NA or when you get sober. This bad boy was magenta and I was on it for a long time. It was amazing. Rehab. It was my people, right? I had the gay men. They were my people. And now I have addicts, people like me. I finally realized there was a there was a name.

Samantha Lander (22:44):

There was a reason why I struggle. There was a reason why I made these poor choices is because it's a disease. I'm an addict. I could not help it. And there's other people like that. But this container, God, you laugh, that belly laugh like you do in, summer camp, I met the most amazing people. And I started to find myself again.

Samantha Lander (23:10):

I remember laughing for the first time, it felt like in seven years. Like I did not laugh, but man, did I laugh in rehab, I learned about AA, I learned about NA, I learned about myself. I started working out again and my moral compass slowly started to shift, and I started to realize what I had done with my life.

Samantha Lander (23:37):

Midway through rehab, my dad came to visit and we went and we packed up my apartment. I went to my Beverly Hills court date, and I got sentenced eight months. L.A. County.

Samantha Lander (23:56):

There was a little bit of time, you know, we packed up the apartment. I was still in rehab. I was probably day 27, I don't know. And I was talking to a friend of mine who recently went to treatment and I said, “yeah, I don't know where I'm going to stay. My dad are trying to talk, talking about where we're going to where what am I going to do?

Samantha Lander (24:13):

Like, I have to wait like I have no apartment. He's like, you can stay with my mom. And I'm like, who is going to let a girl who is looking at a federal case, just got out of rehab, was a drug dealer, stay at their house in Playa del Rey, right? Like this mansion in Playa del Rey on beach. This beautiful house. It's not a mansion, but it's beautiful. 

Samantha Lander (24:36):

And he's like, no, no, no, no, no. Trust me. So, I stayed with Jan. This is Jan on the left. That's when I'm with the gay boys. See how pretty they are? Little model. Jan was a container that I needed. Oh my gosh. She was like the liaison for my family, for me, she is like a warm cup of tea.

Samantha Lander (25:07):

She's from London. She's got the accent and she would tell me story after story of her love affairs and her trips to Greece. And I was like, I want that. I want her life. I want to do all of that, and I'm done with what I was doing. I was so happy to be sober and learn about these experiences that I could potentially get to go do.

Samantha Lander (25:32):

Maybe, I mean, but I was living through her and she was teaching me about life again. So again, I was layering another container into my life. There's a new one. We have rehab. This is where I start talking about Tupperware. Just, it's kind of stuff. I say container and then it turns to Tupperware. So this is where they get stackable.

Samantha Lander (25:54):

So now I'm stacking my Tupperware. So I got rehab, I got Jan, but Jan was just what I needed. She taught me sudoku. I was like an old lady. Like old sober lady. So, she dropped me off at prison and I went in. I'll never forget that day. I went in and the guard threw me into this little holding cell, and she said, “if you're going to cry, you need to cry now.”

Samantha Lander (26:18):

She took my ponytail holder because it had metal in it. She gave me a rubber one and she said, it's going to be bad when you go into that holding cell before you go. And it was. LA was not anything I would ever wish on my worst enemy, but I did it and I was sober, man. You could’ve put me anywhere.

Samantha Lander (26:39):

That's kind of where I was. I was in a good container because I was in a bad place when I was using. So Jan picked me up at like 10 p.m. when they let me out. After I did my time, they just, like, randomly let us out. Let me out. And so I had some time before my probation transferred.

Samantha Lander (27:01):

And then I moved home. I made a new, a new house I'm renting a new city in the Orthodox Jewish neighborhood. It's great. And my cable was getting installed and the guy was ranting about my gumball machine and telling me I'm really fancy because I have a gumball machine, and I get a phone call and I pick up the phone, and it's the lawyer that we retained for my federal case, potential federal case.

Samantha Lander (27:29):

And he said, do you have a minute? I said, yeah. He said, “well, you've been federally indicted and you're looking at 22 to life.”

Samantha Lander (27:45):

I told the cable guy to go.

Samantha Lander (27:50):

I hung up the phone and all I know is I wanted a container and I wanted to feel safe. I didn't know what to do. I got in the shower, turned the shower on, and I laid in that bathtub for I don't know how many hours. Just snot, tears. I just did my time. I just I just did the right thing. Why is this happening? Right? A little bit of victim. My parents showed up.

Samantha Lander (28:23):

They hugged me and they said, we're going to be okay. We're going to do this. We're going to figure it out. We did. We did it. My parents are strong as hell. I put them through a lot. So, I do my federal time. So… let me tell you about federal prison.

Samantha Lander (28:56):

This is like we got to laugh a little bit. Okay. Guys, like these outfits. Like, we would do our hair and take pictures. This is my roommate. But here I am, all done up. I got a little gangster in prison, for sure, but, man, you know what? I needed it again. Like I said, I'm stubborn.

Samantha Lander (29:16):

That one more swat over my head probably saved my life.

Samantha Lander (29:25):

I took that time to take care of me. I learned how to live again. I reset my moral compass. I learned how to drive a genie boom, a back home, a road grinder. It's perfect when you're on a date and you say that, let me tell you. So I ran the garden, I got grounded, I got really into gardening.

Samantha Lander (29:52):

I was going to get out and be a farmer. That was my plan. I just drove tractors all day. It was a federal prison camp. And then there was a max security prison. So there was a garden that fed everybody. I did a drug treatment program and I did it well. I love personal growth. I love working on myself.

Samantha Lander (30:11):

And I lost that when I was using. I was the first federal inmate to go tell my story to a group of high school kids. They shackled me up. It was really dramatic, and I was like, you guys really got to do this. And like, yeah, let's just do it. It's good. We're going to save these kids’ lives. And I'm like, all right. It's pretty laid back in federal prison.

Samantha Lander (30:32):

So I did, and that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to get out and I was going to use my story and I was going to save these kids’ lives. That was a plan. But man, I got out and life hit. I got a job.

Samantha Lander (30:49):

I was really successful. It went really, really well. I got a house, I met a guy. So we got about 13 years of just doing really well. Got married. Then it was time to have a kid, right? That was the next thing. So life’s starting to kind of hit right. I'm accountable in a relationship. I'm trying to have a baby.

Samantha Lander (31:17):

And I am going through infertility treatments. And I believe that that's when my addiction started to spin out, because you feel like you're not in control. And it's the obsessive compulsive thinking started, like you're broken trying to have a baby. There's stress in the relationship. It was hard. Things started to get hard, and I stopped going to meetings.

Samantha Lander (31:42):

Like the brain, it just starts turning. We call it cunning and baffling. I was ready, but I was trying to have a baby, so I definitely wasn't going to use them. So I got pregnant and I had my baby boy Jax. I'm the first to admit it took a minute to realize that I am not that maternal. I like to work and I like to make money.

Samantha Lander (32:07):

I like to have a business, and that's where I thrive. And then the rest sort of falls into place. Being a mom is hard. It's really hard for me. I'm not like my mom where we can do all the arts and crafts, she’ll drop my son off and be like, we did all these things. Little towers of glue sticks and stuff, and I'm just like, oh my God, it's just hard.

Samantha Lander (32:29):

And I'll admit it. I wasn't working. My relationship was really struggling with my husband. And I was sitting in a breastfeeding class. You know, my days are spent just like sticking attachments to myself, trying to produce milk. That's what my days had become. Before I was like, working and working hard. And I'm sitting in this breastfeeding class and this woman looks over and said, girl, all you got to do is have a glass of wine.

Samantha Lander (32:56):

I said, okay, and I was like, right, perfect. I got the green light. You tell an addict to have a glass of wine. And I'm like, that wasn't what I used before. It's fine, I did drugs, right? And I remember I kind of mentioned it to my parents and they were like, well, you know, go, okay, go for it, right?

Samantha Lander (33:17):

Had I said, like, if I need, you know, the breastfeeding lady told me to use meth and take Molly. It probably wouldn't have been okay, right? But alcohol's different. We all know what's different. The mommy wine culture is I have what my personal training clients drink this wine and talk about their wine, and it was so glorified.

Samantha Lander (33:40):

It sounded so great. And that was a solution to this hard mom shit, right? We need to have a drink at the end of the day. That's the solution. So I did it and I was okay for a while and then it got bad.

Samantha Lander (33:59):

Every day, 4:00pm, a bottle of gin. And I would probably finish that every single day. I would count it down. I could not stop. Every day I would wake up and just promise myself I am not going to do it another day. I'm not. I can do it. I can make it one day. If I can get three days, I'll be good.

Samantha Lander (34:19):

All I need is three days, all I need and that it was all I needed. Someone to scoop me up and let me stay at their house for a week. Right? And then I just. I need inpatient, I need outpatient. I was telling people this, I was, I felt like to me, I was like screaming it to people that I need help.

Samantha Lander (34:37):

I was not I was going to meetings. I was doing all the things that I did before. It was not working. Alcohol was a beast, for me at least. I could not stop.

Samantha Lander (34:53):

So I was getting a little more time. I think I had 26 days maybe or so, and this is when I started praying for other things besides staying sober. And one was a guy, right? We call him Mike the Tupperware. Boom. I prayed for a guy that was six four, covered in tattoos, had a kid, was sober. Right.

Samantha Lander (35:20):

Look like the L.A. boys. I was at a kid's birthday party and he showed up two days later. There was Mike, this guy. Right? Oh, he was so loving and so kind and so warm. Like, I don't know, I just felt, it felt different. Maybe a little love bomb, addict style. But whatever it was, it's not about Mike.

Samantha Lander (35:49):

I tried to stay sober. I told him about one relapse. He let it slide. He knew I was trying. I was trying everything. I would dig holes in my backyard to not use. I would do anything to pass the time. It was insane. There were post-its all over my mirrors, all over my everything. And then I lied about some relapses.

Samantha Lander (36:13):

I'm going to be honest here. And then I told him about another one. Mike was gone.

Samantha Lander (36:24):

So that little Tupperware went bye bye. But that was a gift from God. Because that's what I needed to get sober. Because that's what it took. I lost a human being for the first time in my life due to my addiction. My parents have never left me. My brother, my aunt, my uncle, anyone. Nobody has left. But Mike did.

Samantha Lander (36:51):

And that hit me. That hit me hard that I was choosing drugs and alcohol, or alcohol over, you know, this guy that was so great that I thought I loved or whatever. It doesn't matter. He got me sober, whatever it was. The Tupperware. So, here I was sober and here I am today.

Samantha Lander (37:19):

So, how do you know when you've outgrown your container? That's the question that I'm here to answer today. So, today, my container is a Pyrex dish. PBA free super amazing. Like the most expensive one that only goes in the toaster oven because I do not use a microwave. All the healthy shit. 

Samantha Lander (37:46):

But that container today can shatter because it's glass. If I don't take care of one thing. And always remember the container that will never leave me. And that's my addiction. If I do not take care of that container, it will shatter. But I have the tools and I work them. It can always happen. I had 13 years sober and I relapsed, but for me, when I've outgrown my container is I feel smothered. I feel trapped, I feel like I need out.

Samantha Lander (38:26):

As you've seen, I've had lots of containers. Some good and some bad. Some of them I think that it's not necessarily I need out because it's been a bad thing. It's just growth. I think you need out of a container when you're ready to grow, it doesn't mean you failed because you're leaving an old container and you guys know you still got some of those containers sitting in the bottom of your Tupperware drawer that have been melted by your washing machine.

Samantha Lander (38:54):

And like, our dishwasher and like they're missing lids that you just, like, won't get rid of. It's kind of like your past, right? Like there's some reason why you won't get rid of these like, broke down Tupperwares. I want to do an art project with that one for my kid. Even ten years later, it's still like sitting there.

Samantha Lander (39:16):

So it doesn't mean you failed. We have lots of containers, but what I would say is that you need to listen to your gut, right? Listen to your inner voice, because it's going to tell you when it's time to move into a new container.

Samantha Lander (39:34):

And you deserve that. Like, mine's pretty toxic free these days. Like, some of them trickle in sometimes. So my gift to you. Oh, wait. One more thing. I'm going to ask you that question that I asked you earlier. And now that we all know each other, you guys know me and you heard all my shit. I've been pretty vulnerable. Hopefully enough for you to be able to feel okay keeping your eyes open this time. 

Samantha Lander (40:02):

So I'm going to have all of you guys stand up if you have been directly impacted by someone who has struggled with drugs or alcohol so you can go ahead and stand up now.

Samantha Lander (40:19):

You two know me.

Samantha Lander (40:28):

It's pretty powerful. You guys look around. Pretty much everyone in this room.

Samantha Lander (40:37):

I mean, it's a serious disease. It's no joke.

Samantha Lander (40:45):

I know that if I drink again, I will die. And that's what I tell myself. Whether I do or not. That's what I tell myself. Because that shit will kill you. So my gift to you guys… Disclaimer Amazon is very, very bad at putting descriptions on things. So this was supposed to be a 70 piece Tupperware for everyone, but they count the lids… So one per family.

Samantha Lander (41:17):

If you guys want a Tupperware and you didn’t get one just let me know and we'll get you one. But what I want you to do is just take the Tupperware, you're going to take one home, and you're just going to put something in it that's going to help you grow. You guys can sit down. Sorry. You guys are good listeners.

Samantha Lander (41:33):

My bad. And I really do appreciate you guys standing up and being vulnerable for that. It means a lot to me and everyone else in this room. So you're going to put something in this container right? That's going to push you to be better. It's going to push you to grow. It's going to help you feel uncomfortable in a good way, right?

Samantha Lander (41:54):

Some little reminder. It could just be this thing because you've been here and I just told you to push yourself, whatever it is, and then you're going to put it somewhere where you're going to see it every day as a reminder. Alright. And I don't care if you put something in it, then stack it with pens. It doesn't matter to me, but sorry, only 30 of you get one. 

Samantha Lander (42:16):

So if you don't want one, don't take it. They are plastic. Sorry about that, too. Just don't eat or warm your food. But that is it. So, I appreciate you guys coming out and listening to my story, and I hope you have a wonderful night.

Steven Harowitz (42:41):

Hey, that is a wrap. Make sure you’re notified when our next episodes hit the airwaves by subscribing to the Campfire Storytelling Podcast wherever you get your podcasts. And, if you liked what you heard, please leave a review. It helps other people find us and that supports our storytellers and that’s pretty neat. We’d love to have you come out to an event or even to take a class. Visit cmpfr.com for all the details. 

Steven Harowitz (43:11):

A neat little factoid that I get to share is that our live events and all of these episodes are all ad and sponsor free. We can only do that because of the folks who take the classes and the organizational clients, you know those nonprofits, universities, foundations, that we get to work with. So if you or an organization you work with or for are interested in learning about storytelling and how it can be a positive impact on their team and their work, please tell them to reach out. They can also visit cmpfr.com for all the details. 

Steven Harowitz (43:45):

I can’t end an episode without saying a huge thank you to the Campfire team, to everyone who attends the live events, and most importantly to our storytellers. Thank you for listening to the Campfire Storytelling Podcast. I’ve been your host, Steven Harowitz. Until next time.