"How do you find a way forward?" featuring David Carnahan

This episode features David Carnahan, one of Campfire’s Fellows. David provides his answer to the Season 17 question, "How do you find a way forward?" A Fellow’s Campfire can best be described as TED without the data, The Moth but interactive, and a sermon but without the religion. You can learn more about David Carnahan on the Campfire website, https://cmpfr.com/events/david-carnahan/.

The Campfire Fellows go through rigorous training and coaching provided by Campfire Faculty so they can share their wisdom through story for you. Our Fellows are the people next to you at stoplights or walking by on the street. These Fellows apply or are nominated by people like you, who know interesting and introspective people with some wisdom to share. The Fellows go through a unique process with our team to discover a wealth of wisdom inside themselves and then are trained on how to share the origin stories of their wisdom. 

This episode was originally performed in August 2025, produced by Jeff Allen, and recorded live at Work & Leisure.

Please note: This episode includes adult language and discusses adult themes, including suicide

Transcript

0:00

Hello, internet. I'm Steven Harowitz, and I will be your host for this episode of the Campfire Storytelling Podcast recorded here in St Louis, Missouri. This podcast shares stories about life and how we live it as told at our live storytelling events. Now in this episode, we're going to hear from our season 17 fellow David Carnahan. Something to know about these episodes is that the stories that you're going to hear from the fellows can be pretty different from any other storytelling podcast you might listen to, mainly because our Fellows Program teaches an interactive long form style, so they're talking for 45 minutes, and they're doing some engagement with the audience. Now that's different than most of those podcasts. You might get snippets of stories. Both are great. Just wanting you to know this one's a little bit different. Now, there's one other thing I did want to mention about this episode specifically before we begin a quick note about accessibility, David's story includes an experience that changed the way he speaks and the sound of his voice. Something that we worked out with David was that at his event, we provided live transcription, which would help the audience take in all the parts of his wonderful story. So I just thought it would be helpful to remind you that all campfire episodes, including this one, have a full transcript that you can use to follow along. If that would be helpful, I just mentioned that there's a moment that changed David's voice, and that moment does include a suicide attempt, and it feels important to name that before you listen to this episode. That way, if you need to, you can skip this episode or just skip that part of the story. Okay, that's all for me, which means we get to head to the campfire to listen to David's stories as he answers the season question, how do you find a way forward? 

2:00

[Audience applause]

Alright, well. Good evening everyone.

First I just want to say thank you so much for choosing to spend your evening with me as we talk about how do you find a way forward. And as Steven already mentioned there’s a difference to the way I look and the way I sound. I am also totally blind. And so moving forward for me is different now than it had been before. But I have certain tools that I use to help, and so I would like to demonstrate one of those for you.

It’s an app called Be My Eyes. And so what this will do, I’ll snap a picture here towards the center so if you prefer not to have your picture taken now would be the time to move. But then the app will describe the picture so I get an idea of what I’m seeing and I’ll let you guys hear that also.

[David uses app]

Alright, are you ready? So it’ll analyze for just a second.

“Indoor seating area with people sitting on foldable chairs and benches. The floor has blue tape outlining to rectangular areas one on the left and one the right. The right outline contains a symbol indicating a space reserved for individuals with disabilities. There are several people visible casually dressed and some are wearing nametags. The setting looks informal, possibly a community event or workshop. The floor is concrete and the lighting is bright. The background includes a counter or bar area with stools and a white chair.”

Alright.

[audience claps]

Alright, and so, now I have an idea of who I’m speaking with we’ll get started.

And so as I was trying to figure out how to, you know, go after this question, “How do you find a way forward?” I was thinking where do you start. And so it occurred to me that sometimes knowing how to move forward, sometimes it’s best to look and see where you’ve been. And so what better place to start than at the beginning.

And I’m getting older so before my 5th birthday I had already lost my mom to illness, I had lost a stepmom to divorce and then my dad took my sister and I to our grandparents’ house and then he left. And so my little 5 year old self, I desperately wanted to fit in.

And so I’m getting ready to start school and I thought “I know, I’ll earn my grandpa’s love.” See he was quite fond of telling me that I’d never amount to anything, I’d never be good enough, and I’d end up just like my dad.

But I thought I’ll go to school, I’ll study hard, I’ll get great grades and then he’ll love me. And so I showed him my report card first grade and it wasn’t good enough. 2nd grade I improved. 3rd grade I improved more. Not good enough. 4th grade though, I had a report card with straight A’s.

And I brought my report card home and I quietly walked into the kitchen where my grandfather was sitting and handed him my report card. And I remember this moment so distinctly how he obviously glanced over to me only long enough to grab my report card, take a look and toss it on to the table and said “Ha, I knew you could do it. But why can’t you do this every time. Go get busy studying because this is what I expect from now on.”

And so at this point I had also already learned from my grandfather that men don’t feel emotions. You know, unless you’re angry.

And so I just kind of lowered my head, quietly turned around and walked out of the kitchen. And in the few steps it took me to cross the kitchen and leave, I had already heard all those things that my grandfather had been telling me and I almost kind of started to believe him. And decided that it wasn’t gonna work. I’m not gonna be good enough so why bother?

And so, at this point I want to pause for a minute and I want to ask you guys, take maybe 30 seconds or so, and think, has there been a time in your life when you’d taken some feedback or some advice and held on to it far too long before you realized that it was unwise?

[Caroline] If you’d like to raise your hands to answer that question, hands to answer that question, anyone who’s ever felt… say the question again I’m sorry.

[David] So if there’s ever been a point where you took some advice or some counsel from someone and held onto for too long before you realized that it was unwise.

[Caroline] Right, can you raise your hands for those that agree with that?

[David] And so if this is something that rings true for you, could you stand or raise your hand.

[Caroline] I’d say about 25%.

[David] Ok, so you’re not alone.

But so it was at this point the foundation had been set. I had learned from my grandfather and from my parents that you can’t trust people even family because people are going to hurt you or leave you, or both.

And so I thought I’d move forward through school I decided that I’ll keep to myself, I’ll not do the effort necessary to excel at anything so I won’t draw attention, but I wasn’t willing to just give up completely and then just fail and then draw attention for that. So, I thought I’ll just keep to myself. Nobody will notice me and I’ll just get through it.

But even at that time, I still knew I wasn’t ok being alone. I wasn’t meant to be alone, I wasn’t made to be alone. And so I did have one or two friends that I would let get close and they weren’t counselors or coaches or anything like that but they were close enough that I knew I wasn’t alone.

And it was my sophomore year of high school one of those friends became my first girlfriend. Through a lot of encouragement of mutual acquaintances of ours. And so April and I dated through the rest of my high school. And she was one year behind me and so continued dating until she graduated, and that meant I had to go to two proms. But, you know, we got through it.

She graduated in ‘99 and we continued dating over the summer and then in August of that year she joined the Air Force. We had grown up in Decatur, IL and basic traing for the Air Force is in Lackland down in Texas. So we did our best to communicate while she was in training.

And then in December of ‘99 she was given leave to come back home for Christmas. And so I drove from Decatur down to Lackland, picked her up, brought her back home. We got home late that next night with the snow coming down and on the ground, I knelt down and asked her to marry me. She said yes.

So guys this is for you, you’ll really appreciate this. I married April in April of the year 2000. It was perfect! All I had to remember was the specific day and even if I forgot that you just celebrate the month.

So April was stationed at Scott Air Force Base right over here in Belleville and we moved down and lived in an apartment for a year. Then we bought a house. And then we’d been married about three and a half years and the most wonderful thing happened, we had our first daughter. Little Alysa.

And I remember it like it was yesterday. In the labor and delivery room, it was a short labor, apparently doesn’t happen but there was the moment when the nurse came over to hand me this new baby girl for the very first time and I never held an infant before and of course I never held one of mine so the nurse was trying to hand her to me and I didn’t get it quite the first time, the nurse started to get a little impatient and said “take her” and I was nervous.

She was kind of like, the entire room disappeared. There was no noise. The only thing I was aware of was this sweet little precious baby girl. I was absolutely terrified. I wanted to scream and run away, and then at the same time I was already so in love with this little girl I never wanted to let her go.

I distinctly remember looking into her little face, thinking about the kind of dad that I wanted to be, and feeling completely unequipped and not capable. And then just that fast the moment was gone, the nurse came back over to take Alysa to her mom and the world came rushing back into with all its distractions.

And that was kind of a key moment that I look back on the difference between being present and in the moment and actually paying attention and not the way I normally was distant, disengaged, and ya know, not paying attention.

And another key thing about the same time, I had joined the fire department. I had gone through the fire academy. At the time it was the Belleville Area College, BAC. It’s SWIC now. And so mind you I still had this mindset that I’m not good enough, I’d never amount to anything and I’m gonna end up just like my dad.

But I aced the fire academy and then when I was at the fire house I started to notice that I wasn’t distracted. I was present, and I was confident. I knew what needed to be done, or when told what to do I made sure I knew how to do it and do it well. And that just didn’t fit with the story I kept telling myself in my head.

When I would do things well I would dismiss it or set it aside or make some excuse for it and the times where I did not do things so well, so that was absolute confirmation.

And so I continued moving forward, of course you know, I’m starting to become aware of this difference between the man that I should be and could be, and the man that I often was. But I was still either unable or unwilling to actually make these changes.

And so, I think now would be… let’s do it this. Imagine driving through a beautiful mountain scene. Maybe in the fall with all the beautiful colors and driving by lakes and ponds and just wonderful, beautiful scenery. And then you’re in the car. You’re only looking at what’s directly in front. You’re paying no attention to the people that are in the car. You’re paying hardly any attention to the beautiful scenery that you’re driving past and you’re also not paying any attention to the warning lights lit up all over the dash.

And so as you continue on this way… so, starting in about 2006 is when I really started noticing this. April and I had begun to grow more distant and 2007 we had our second daughter Ahlana, you know, because she was the one to fix everything. That’s a terrible thing to do to a child. In 2010, April of 2010, we were divorced. And then each of us remarried way too quickly. And then in the end of June, beginning of July 2012 I was facing another divorce. And this was the moment that any thought of a way forward was out the window. There was no way forward.

You know, I didn’t amount to anything. I was not good enough. I was going to end up just like my dad. And so the only option that I could come up with was to end my life.

And so I drove to the first evangelical church in Manchester. And pulled out a rifle. And I shot myself.

So, and it was very soon after this that a whole series of events started to take place that I had absolutely nothing to do with.

One of those things that happened was there was a police officer that found me not a moment too soon… wait, not a moment too late. And it was his quick action and his interaction to get me the help that I needed. The reason why I’m standing here today.

So, this police officer until very recently I had not known who that was. We had never met. It turned out that we have a mutual friend. And he introduced us. He told this police officer about Campfire tonight and I got to meet that officer just a few minutes ago.

And so at this point, Officer, if you could stand up I would like all of us to give you a round of applause in honor of your service.

[Audience applause]

And so and a heartful public thank you. Your action saved my life. And set off a series of events that… I could do a whole Campfire on its own. So this was July 7 of 2012.

My next memory is sometime in early 2013. During part of that time I was in a medically induced coma and I guess there were some other times when I was awake but I have no memory. But the first memory I have is waking up and not realizing where I was and you know, why is it so dark.

And so I’ll tell you that I have no vision at all. So no light perception. I am so thankful I’m not afraid of the dark. But you know, so I wake up and think why is it so dark. Why do I have an IV? Why am in a hospital?

There was a nurse that was there and so I spoke with her shortly and she told me what she knew about what had happened. And then the next thing I remember is waking up again and this time there was a man coughing. And of course I was thinking it was a nurse or something. I dont remember exactly what he was saying I remember thinking that’s not a nurse and so I sort of raised up and turned toward to look at him.

And he stopped and said “Are you awake?” And so my response to him was “who are you and why are you here?” And the next thing I know he’s shaking my hand and he said “my name is JT Olsen and I’m your new best friend”.

You see, I would find out later that July the 8th of 2012 JT had been informed what had happened to me by my former sister in law. And it turns out that afternoon he’d started coming to the hospital and sitting and talking to me. And then it was only a day or two after that that the hospital sent me to a nursing home to live and because of HIPPA they couldn’t tell JT where they had sent me. And so not be deterred he pulled out the phone book and starts calling nursing homes until he finds me.

It takes him about a week and then sure enough he comes walking in the room and recognizes me right away. But then it was only again a day, maybe two after that before that first nursing home decided I was too much to take care of and they sent me back to the hospital. About an hour later I was back on an ambulance going to a new nursing home.

And so again, HIPPA. JT had to pull out the phonebook but it was this time it took him about two weeks.

And it was during this time that I hit the lowest… now mind you I had already hit one low and, you know, you see the results of that. But this was a level beyond and it was very very late at night or very very early and I was sitting up in bed and I’m going down the inventory.

I’m totally blind and I’ll never see again. At the time I had a feeding tube in my stomach. I wasn’t allowed anything by mouth and so I was told I’d never eat or drink again. And I’m living in a nursing home from here out.

Mind you I had already thought before there was no way forward, but how can you move forward from this? And so I thought I guess I’ll just sit here and wait to die.

And so I need to just flashback here for a minute. We’ll go back to when I had moved in with my grandparents. And I had not yet mentioned my grandmother but of many things she did, one thing that she did was every Sunday morning, every Sunday night, and every Wednesday night her, my sister, and I were at church. So I had a real firm grasp on religion. And I also had a real firm grasp on how far short I fell from that standard.

But it was in this moment I’m guessing I’m still waiting to die that it struck me. I said, “No. I believe in God.” And I said out loud, “God, where are you?”

And then in that midst of that turmoil I heard that quiet stillness and I felt just turn around. And of course looking back it’s like how ridiculous is that? What am I going to see if I turn around? But then again, the quiet and this time I heard “I believe in God”. I just cried out to God from the depths of my despair. And I swear I heard an answer. Why would I not at least turn around?

And so I don’t necessarily know if it was… If I needed to, but I literally turned around. And this is a figure of speech… that was when the lights turned on. I met Jesus that night. And made him my Lord and Savior. I gave him everything that I had which at the time wasn’t much. But it was enough.

And then the next thing that I remember is the nurse gave me my covers back after she gave me my medicine. So she… you know I don’t remember laying back down. I don’t remember going in to the covers tight around me like a cocoon. Nice and snuggled. I would say since then I have discovered the joys of a weighted blanket. So I don’t have to do that. But anyway, apparently I had done… I don’t remember doing any of that.

She had a bit of trouble getting the covers and it just so happens it was one of the nicer nurses at this new nursing home. And she’s talking and chit chatting and mind you, as difficult as I can be to understand now then it was terrible. But she’s talking to me and I was doing my best to respond and she stops and says, “Huh, you know you must have slept well last night you seem to be in an awfully good mood this morning.”

And I just remember laying back there on my pillow thinking wow, nothing in my circumstance is any different but now everything was different. All those things that my grandfather had been telling me, I didn’t hear those. I knew that I was loved and not because I was useful or doing wonderful things. I knew that I had value, I knew that I mattered. That I was here for a reason. I survived for a reason.

And then it was again maybe a day or two and JT comes walking in again. He had found me. And so one thing to know about JT is that he was incessantly encouraging. And there was, there was no down days when he was around because he he made sure that you know things were great.

And it was in large part due to his encouragement that I started learning how to speak better, working with a speech therapist. I’m still working on it. And then you know I learned to start walking around again. And I started learning how to eat. I am eating good now, that wasn’t supposed to happen.

So, you’ll see there’s some pictures of JT there and of course I have to mention Herman, that’s JT’s dog. Love Herman. He was a lap dog. So, the other wonderful thing that JT has done that still sticks with me today is he introduced me to his parents, Bill and Trudie. His older brother Paul and they have invited me into their family.

I refer to Bill and Trudie if you look around you’ll see them here this evening. But they’re my unofficial adopted parents. And Paul and Anna would be my unofficial adopted brother and sister in law. Or maybe I adopted them, let’s put it that way. And there’s another picture of a group of us. I want to say this was Easter but maybe of those people here this evening it just warms my heart.

So and as I look back there may have been many different JT’s among my life but the thing that made the difference at this point was that I was willing and able to listen to him. To accept the encouragement, to accept the affirmation and not just shut it off. Whenever I did start to hear my grandfather’s voice again, well there was JT drowning him out. Or Bill or Trudie or Paul. There have been so so many people. Again, I could do a whole other Campfire. I can’t name them all.

And so looking at how I found a way forward, or how I ended up here tonight is knowing that I don’t have to be enough all on my own. How to find a way forward, it inquires the obvious that you’re searching and what better way to search than to invite people to search with you.

So it’s a matter of seeking out wise counsel. And accepting advice. And then the discernment to take what’s good and run with it.

And so Caroline would you come up to help me? We’re going to do another interaction here. And so, pardon? It’s all good.

Alright, so when you guys came in you received a packet and in that packet there’s a card titled “words to live by”. And then there’s also an ink pen.

Alright, so the thought here is what we’re going to do. You’ll start writing in just a second but we’re going to take about 30 seconds or so and think about maybe a piece of wisdom, maybe it’s a scripture, or a quote, or some advice that you’ve received. Something that has been meaningful that you would like to be reminded of often. So take about 30 seconds.Ok, so if you’d be willing I wonder can we get maybe a couple of volunteers to share what they thought of?

[Caroline] I’m gonna come down.

[Sandy] Hi David it’s Sandy.

[David] Hey.

[Sandy] I just put it’s ok to change your path and pivot.

[David] Love it.

Can we get maybe one more?

[Jan] Hi David, I’m Jan. When we were kids and we went to a park or we went somewhere my dad always had us clean up trash, even the trash that wasn’t ours. And his motto was “leave it nicer than you found it.”

[David] I love that. Those are both awesome awesome quotes.

[Caroline] Got one more over here.

[David] Okay, perfect.

[Paul] Hey David, it’s Paul. You know me well.

[David] Yes sir. That’s my big brother.

[Paul] So, just thank you for sharing about my brother JT. And the thing that I learned from him is take the time to love somebody and do it now.

[David] That is amazing to see. There’s one thing that I have not mentioned. JT passed away a few years ago. And the fact that the Olsen family has stuck with me even though JT’s gone is amazing. So…

[Caroline] Trudie would like to speak as well

[David] Okay, perfect.

[Trudie] The thing that I always try to remember is that God’s faithfulness is perfect. I must trust that always.

[David] Always, always.

And so I have a quote that as far as I can tell and AI confirmed it, I came up with this one by myself. So and we’ll have it on the screen here but “if you choose to not do something because you’re afraid you may fail, you are choosing not to succeed.”

So, with these examples that we have or something that you’ve come up with on your own the idea now is you’re going to write that message on the words to live by cards and then when you take these home you’ll place it some place you’ll see it often. Maybe next to your computer monitor or on the mirror. Some place where you’ll often see it so you’ll always be reminded.

[Caroline] Do you need me?

[David] We’ll be done here in just a minute.

[Audience laughter]

[Caroline] Okay, I’ll stay.

[David] The help these days…

[Audience laughter]

[David] So, I’ll give you some time to write and then just if I were to do, and actually I may do this but on the phone if you do a voice over you can set alarms and in the alarm you’re able to type in so you set the alarm for a time you’re normally awake in the morning. Typically when you’re awake and conscious in the morning and set it to repeat every day.

And so when that alarm triggers the voice over the phone will read that message. And so you’ll have that message spoken to you every morning. So, that’s how I would do it.

So I’ll give you guys some time to write and then I have one more thing for you that Caroline’s going to help me with and then I’ll be done.

[Caroline] I almost dropped your poem.

[David] Alright, so as a little extra… I’ll start by saying I am not a poet. I have however written one and I wrote this poem when I was a junior in high school. And somehow I’ve never forgotten it. But I was reminded of this poem that seemed like it fits quite well with my journey and topic tonight. And I’m going to have Caroline read that for you guys. Then we’ll be done.

[Caroline] I gotta put my reading glasses on.

To Try by David Carnahan

I’ve had many dreams I want to come true

Though they didn’t really matter until it came to you

You always fell to ruin because no one would believe

That I could even do it, if only in my dreams

Then you came along and told me that I could

You told me that to try would send my spirit high

And even if I failed you’d still stand by my side

Because you came along, I found my will to try

[David] That’s my attempt at poetry. So and with that, I will say thank you to everyone for bearing with me and have a great night.

[Audience applause]

44:47

That is a wrap. Make sure you are notified when our next episodes hit the airwaves by subscribing to this podcast, the campfire storytelling podcast, wherever you get your podcasts, and if you liked what you heard, please leave a review. It helps others find the podcast, and it also is a nice way to support our storytellers. We'd love to have you out at one of our events, or to maybe learn with us in a class or workshop. If either of those things sound good to you, visit campfire.com. That's cmpfr.com for all of the details. Our live events and these episodes are all ad and sponsor free. Hooray for that, and we can only do that because of the folks who take those classes or those workshops, and the nonprofits and universities and organizational clients that we get to work with, if you or an organization you work with or for, could maybe be interested in learning storytelling or how to better tell their story or public speaking in general, reach out. You can find all of our contact information@campfire.com and again, that is cmpfr.com for all the details. As always, a huge thank you to the campfire team. Everyone who attends our live events and, of course, our storytellers. Thanks for listening to the campfire storytelling podcast. I have been your host, Steven Harowitz, until next time