291 - Being Seen and Building a Home in Yourself

What are some of the costs of being seen, and in a world that often distracts us from our true selves? 

How do we ground into and nurture ourselves and our authenticity?

Join me for a conversation exploring the intricate relationship between visibility, self-connection, and how we grow in ways that feel sustainable. 

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The music for this episode is Threads by The Light Meeting.
Produced by: Grey Tanner

Transcript

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (00:01.044)
Hello my loves. It has been a minute. I've had a little bit of a pause in the podcast and I am back. And today I want to talk about the cost of being seen. It feels like the appropriate thing to just jump right back into. And I want to start with a story. If you've been here for a second, you know that Yoga Strong is about the practice of paying attention, which of course means that it shows up in our everyday lives of...

How are we showing up today and in all the little moments and what comes up and how can we be really present with that?

And how does that weave together a tapestry of life that we're proud of, that we can reflect on, that we can grow with and from all of the things, right? Okay, so a story about some attention from yesterday. I have been renting a studio in Portland for just over two months and I am there teaching

classes, public classes, anybody can attend them. And I'm teaching Tuesday nights and some Wednesday mornings. So you can jump on my calendar. I'll put the link here in the show notes. So you're like, my gosh, you're in Portland and you're teaching classes. And I'm like, yes, I am. people are like, wait, so how long have you been in Portland? I was like, well, 15 years. Y'all have been living here.

for a long time, over 15 years, I have lived here. I just live right outside the city of Portland, but I'm here, I've so been here. I am going to be staying here. This is where I feel super called to be, and I love it. And I love how I'm growing, and I've been renting the studio space. And I have some lovely vision for the studio space, but currently I am, I'm not the,

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (01:58.028)
the overall renter of the studio. It's like a lease and it's the Paws Meditation Studio. And I'm just gonna put this out here. A podcast that if you are in the Portland area and you're looking for a place to rent space, hit me up. Let me talk to you about this space because it is real damn beautiful. And I was there last night and I was teaching a class and I...

I haven't been teaching public classes for almost a year and a half I stopped. And last year was a big year with some travel and with my mom's death and the beginning of this year with my relationship navigation of a breakup and new relationship. And it's been a lot emotionally and nervous system and all the things. And so to land here this fall and be like, now it's time. It feels so good and so right.

and I have chosen not to be part of a studio.

And I think because I know the love people who listen here, or a yoga teacher, or you really love yoga, and maybe you're not a teacher yet, but you want to be, and maybe you're just a human being who wants to pay attention. Okay, so I could work at a studio. I could do that. And a part of the reason that I am choosing not to be part of a studio is because I...

really feel like if I'm to be part of a studio, I to, I want to invest in the team and be there to show up to sub and to know that I'm going to need people to sub my classes and how do I show up and sub other people's classes and what time do I have to give that community to help that community to grow. Now, not all yoga teachers are maybe going to approach a studio this way. And of course I could just be like, I'm going to bare bones it. I'm going to go in this studio is going to give me an opportunity to teach and I'm just going to teach and then get out of there.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (04:00.366)
and not try to show up to other classes. I'm not there to support like the other teachers or the staff as a community. How am I showing up with students? Because practicing next to students can be a lovely experience as well and really strengthen the community to be like, we're here doing this together next to people who are not teachers. That feels important. And I could decide to do that.

And at this current moment, that's not what space I have in my life is to show up in that way or to really help build a community in another studio. Now, the pro of doing that is that I don't have to worry about advertising my classes very much. Like there's already a built-in studio and membership and...

and flow that students already have that studio already has. So that would also be nice. And depending on where I'm at or where you're at, that might feel really good. But I'm like, you know what? I really want to rent space and people just have to sign up for class with me. Now, the pro to that is that I can set my own schedule. I get paid directly. I don't get paid through the studio. if the, what's the drop in rate for your class?

apply that to then a drop in rate or even slightly cheaper than drop in rate. Like you really get to play with the pricing of that. And then you get that money as takeaway as a yoga teacher. like, okay, so that's a pro. Another pros I get to choose be like, okay, where do I want to rent? What does that look like? And the space is gorgeous that I'm renting from it. It feels like home. And so there's that. Now the con is like, I have to do all the leg work. I have to get people there.

I have to be like, okay, community, like you're invited and it's going to be constant conversation and me talking about it. So these are different pros. And I'm going to, I don't even like say con, right? Like, yeah, there's like different cons to it, but like they're different pros. So why do you want to choose one or why do you want to choose the other? There are going be different kinds of work and different kinds of attention you have to give.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (06:11.116)
So I've been renting the studio for just over two months and I know that it also is slow to grow something. A lot of teachers will talk to me, teachers and creatives will be like, I wanna build something online. How do I do that? And I'm like, well, one, we gotta sign up for some longevity here because we have to sit in this and build trust as we build community and as we show up and show our face and our voice and be human with each other. It's gonna take a second.

And so I know that about building this space that it also takes a minute. And it was there last night and I taught a class and there was 20 people there and it was so magic. And there's a lot of teachers because of the work that I do that are also attracted to my classes. And I, the room was probably at least half teachers. And that is really beautiful to me because I know the space.

and time it takes to come to another person's class. And also it's beautiful because to be gifted, not having to think about the things and also getting to play is not always something that you get as a teacher. And so it means a lot that a teacher will make space for themselves and the honor of them showing up and letting me hold that space for them to play. That is...

that's deeply important to me. And so much of the ethos of flow school is that tapping into your play body, to your embodiment means that you have to be in your play and have to be connected to self. And so being able to give that to other teachers is really important to me. So I'm there and there's 20 people in class. That's the most people that have ever attended this class since I have started the studio like two and a half months ago. And afterwards, everybody hung out and chatted and

Like we're there for such a long time and sitting in circles and drinking tea and it was so perfect. Like truly. And I'm like this every week. Like just let's do this every week.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (08:21.144)
So how does this tie in with the cost of being seen? You know, right? I was thinking about this last night. I was thinking about the day and I was thinking about how I was a little bit nervous while going into yesterday and people feel surprised sometimes to hear about my own nervousness and my own having to be with my own nervous system. And one of the things that helps me is getting grounded and

Quite literally, I was in the studio before anybody and I was laying on the floor and rolling around on the floor, like using the floor truly as a prop where I'm on my belly, I'm on my back and my sides and I'm letting my movement be really juicy and that feels really good and feels really grounding and

that's helpful put me in my body and as well as reminding myself that it's just a yoga class and it's not that big of a deal and we're really serious about creativity but we don't take ourselves very seriously right and that in the grand scheme of life you know a 90 minute yoga class once a week is not a lot and also it can be a great pivoter

to something bigger for yourself. So it's a little bit of both, but it's deeply co-created. It's like, it needs me, but it's not about me.

So I was thinking about that and about how I have to be in my own breath and in my own space and in my own body before I can lead. I have to drop into that. So the cost of being seen, if you are walking into class, you're like, oh my gosh, I have the jitters. We can talk about this for teaching a class in person. We can talk about this being in line. We can talk about being the, know, if you're showing up online in relationships.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (10:26.158)
in your own self-expression and creativity. Like there's a lot of paths we can take here. So if we're gonna go for the in-person route, you have to get yourself grounded. And if you're a teacher, you know this, right? And I've definitely had my times. I know I've had a podcast here about this where I showed up as two, I was like, oh my gosh, what can I, like, what am I, who am I to be doing this? How do I help these people? And I put myself in the bathroom stall and closed the door and I stood there. I said, Bonnie, all you have to do is help these people move and breathe.

and That's literally it. You can do that. And reminding yourself that's all you have to do. So that's one. Put yourself on the floor and exhale and be in your body. Send energy down to your feet as you stand and talk slower. Those things help. Also what helps is that I use the animal spirit card deck.

And I go around the room and I hand out an animal card to every person who comes to class. And I do that very strategically as well to remember people's names. And I say their name before they choose a card. And so I do that. It helps me connect with every person. It puts me in my body and we're there together as humans. So what it takes to be seen as the teacher in the front of the room.

is to remember that you are human and you are with them, that it needs you, but it is so much bigger than you. And then to please laugh at yourself. You know, I talked to some brand new yoga teachers last night and they were talking about how it's feeling to stand up in front of the room and I was saying, yeah, you know, they don't really say in yoga teacher training that

you're stepping into a public speaking job, but you are. And that's the important part of being seen. Your voice is heard. You're seen at the front of the room as the speaker and as the guide and as the one who's the example. And people are literally following what your body is doing, as Simon says, you know, but then being able to personalize it and then you have to teach them how to personalize it. Like it's so many different things. And

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (12:49.226)
So all of this last night and then after class and I was just thinking about.

how these people showed up to the room and so many of them had never moved with me, had never moved with me in person, maybe they have online, but they haven't been in the room when I have been the teacher at the front of the room, like the majority of the class was that last night. And first of all, the gift of trust for that as a teacher, I cannot give what I love to give.

as a teacher without students to be there. So I get to practice my teaching when students come to practice and

It was this reminder though of how seen I am. And it was this interesting takeaway where I was reminded because of a room full of people that I really do not know and who showed up because they know me. Not all of them knew me. Some of them were invited and they didn't know me before. But a of people who have followed me on social media

whatnot heard about me so then they came and showing up with them it was this reminder too of my visibility and of people seeing me and how there are moments for me that I feel really perceived and all of a sudden have a wash of recognition about how much I share or how much I have shared.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (14:30.038)
how visible I am online, how seen I am in community and where that can be a place of, my gosh, people can see me, right? And what that feels like and how that can feel overwhelming in some ways, but that I have to reel it back into myself and be like, hold myself, like hand to heart, hand to belly and be like, I'm here, I'm here.

And if I'm moving with integrity and honesty and I'm trying to remove the mask of performance as much as possible, I am safe and I am home in myself. Like that's the important things. But I was reminded of that last night and it makes me...

remember how important it is to be intentional with what we're sharing and how our impact is felt and

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (15:40.702)
how my deep desire is to show up as an expander in a lot of different ways.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (15:53.91)
and

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (15:57.666)
how that really requires me continually holding a hand to my own heart.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (16:08.13)
There's this piece of being seen that requires your deep connection to yourself, to your nervous system, right? To not freaking out, having a panic attack while you're trying to teach class, walking out in the middle of class. You you're holding the room. You're embodied in the flow. You know what you're going to teach. You're able to look people in the eyes and really see them and not be afraid of seeing them.

or not be afraid of them seeing you and correction, you can be afraid, but you do it anyway, right? To be brave enough to step into that space and be curious as you walk. Like this is what we're doing. This is what we're doing. And it doesn't mean you have to be quote unquote good. It just means you're doing the damn thing and the only way to get better at anything is to do it again and again and again and again and we're gonna be bad at it and.

I've been bad at it and I'll continue to be bad at quote unquote bad at different things and I will continue to get better quote unquote at things as I continue to do them. And if you are interested in leading in any way and sharing your gifts in any way, there is a part of you that will be seen. Maybe you wanna step in and be a yoga teacher. Maybe you're yoga teacher curious.

And you're like, well, maybe, maybe I want to do that. And you step in, but then you decide to step back out. There are other ways you're going to be creative and share your creativity and your voice in the world. I don't care if you're a yoga teacher or you're not, you are going to be seen in the world. And what is the cost of being seen and how do we hold ourselves and how do we build a home in ourselves in order to make that sustainable and juicy and wonderful and help us turn ourselves on in a world that

It can be really good about turning us off. And how do we stay rooted in our own feet and be where our feet are. Right. So I know also the journey of wanting to shrink and wanting to be unperceived. And I will go back to this summer, right? Zoom back like three months ago. I remember sitting on the stairs of my house and, having this deep recognition that I did not want to be perceived.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (18:29.59)
is like, whoa, I am like passing through a portal right now. I don't want to be perceived. And also the way that I feel so visible in my sharing, but also I'm responsible, both responsible and in control of how much I am sharing online. And here in this podcast, right, I've taken a month-ish off and now I'm coming back. I'm like, okay, here's where we step back in. so, you know, there's...

space for me to play with that where I'm like, okay, where can I really hold being seen and perceived and where do I need a second so I can breathe? Because what I'm really not interested in is performing. And there's a difference of when you walk into a room, if I'm going to say, like it can be a virtual live room, it can be an in-person class, right? There's a difference when you walk into the room and you're like, okay, I...

got to put on a face and a performance and do a thing right here, right? There's a difference when it is, if you're holding something that you're trying to process, but you're not trying to like give it to your students. I think that's really important because we're gonna be expanders. There's this professionalism that I feel is important to hold.

about how we use our stories and our voice and the containers that we build for other people to land in and find themselves. That feels like holy ground for me and that there's a responsibility that comes with holding those containers. And that does not mean I have to step in and perform, but it does mean that I have to have.

an energetic awareness of myself and what I can share with integrity that actually helps others expand and doesn't shrink the room and doesn't shrink the people in the room. And so that doesn't mean I have to come and air everything that I am currently holding or going through or navigating in my own life but it also doesn't mean that I have to be somebody that I'm not even though I don't share every part of me right.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (20:46.196)
in any moment where there's never a moment ever in our whole lives where we can share every single part of ourselves. So you can still be real you without airing everything and it can be professional and it can still be full of permission and play and presence. It can be both.

So we're not there to perform and also we know we're holding the room and there is a way that we can use our voice that helps captivate people to pay attention and to be present in themselves. And so I know what it is when you don't want to be perceived or when you're passing through things and how do I show up? And I think back to, it was about three years ago and I...

gosh, I got slammed with some really intense low back pain. And I've talked about it here before and my left SI, my low back was having a whole moment. And after I was in that for a little bit, I was talking to my good friend, Rocky Heron, and I was sharing about where I was with my body and with my pain. And he's like, do you feel like you're out of integrity? And I think in our

world of can I be seen and can I be seen as a real human and how can I show up and others feel like there's a way that they can land with me not just like me speaking at them but that we're doing a thing together and I think part of that is really our honesty and as I listen to Rocky talk about you know integrity

and thinking about that word and my upbringing in the Mormon church and the word integrity, the way it was thrown around and like this new relationship I have with it. So if you're coming from high demand religion where there's different words and phrases, you have to reckon with those words, even to use the word holy to me, like there's a reckoning and a redefinition of that for me that has felt really beautiful. And so to be integral.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (22:59.18)
to really be walking honestly.

and to be telling the truth, guiding from a place of embodiment, of non-proving, and non-performance, and thinking about how I was trying to help people move, but I was in this immense pain, but back pain is kind of a nuanced thing and it wasn't a specific injury and it really was so emotional and relational related, as well as stress related for me, and how that

is not my current existence but our honesty of where we are but also to stand in ourselves still. Right? And so that was an interesting call in for me in that moment of and again I don't have to like I was in a lot of pain and also it was this gift of a time and if you're a mover you might know this. Right? You are

seen so often as a mover and as a teacher of movement. You're seen as a mover. You have this identity as this teacher of this thing and your body looks a certain way and your body moves a certain way and you're seen. So much of where I'm at is because I shared my body moving and I was seen. My body was seen. And you know during my back pain it was also this

experience for me where I got to sit with myself and say, okay, what is my identity and what is my value and who I am is bigger than what my body can do or what it looks like, what it's capable of. And my gift, one of the gifts that I have in the world is like other gifts I have in the world are not related to how my body moves and that still holds deep value for me. So

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (24:54.936)
The cost of being seen is also to look at the ways that you're being seen and your identity and to divorce yourself from what you do as who you are and your gifts to the world. And while your body might be art, your body is more than that and you are more than that. And that doesn't mean other people have to like, that doesn't mean they have to understand. And you can, you can create art in so many amazing ways.

And some of that can be the being the weirdest one in the room as a leader. It can be like literally creating other art that has nothing to do with yoga, right? It can be the way that you sing and you bring that, the way that you greet people. It can be the things you make with your hands, literally everything, right? Like everything you know, you know.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (25:50.604)
So to me.

I think that when I, when I realize that I am not performing and I'm in a non-performance mode, I am at a place where I'm allow myself to be silly while also being serious. And it makes me think about my, let's see what grade, eighth grade, eighth grade teacher. She was a science teacher, Miss Mike. Shout out to Miss Mike, whatever the world she is. You know, I never.

Like, you know those teachers that are hella hard, that are really strict, but somehow also the most fun and the teachers you feel like you learn the most from? Those teachers? It's that. How they know how to hold a boundary. They're gonna tell you exactly where they want you to go and how they want you to do it, but they're gonna give you really specific extras or optionals.

And then they're probably gonna be the teacher that helps you blow shit up, right? Do weird things, but also you better show up and be on your A game. Otherwise you're gonna be kicked out of class. And it's this toggle between the two of a fierce power of holding space and holding center, holding the room center while also creating the container for flow and for play. And that to me,

is where you're out of performance and into integral embodiment. Like you're in integrity, like you're in your honesty, your truth, a non-proving, you are standing in and doing what you're saying you're doing. You're holding yourself accountable in that way and you're able to also be in a place of permission and play.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (27:47.51)
and that you feel connected to what you are giving and who you are giving to. And so I think the cost of being seen is one, you have to learn how to regulate your own nervous system and you have to learn how to hold yourself in your own home. That doesn't mean somebody else is your home. That doesn't mean your kids are your home. That doesn't mean your religion is your home, your partner, your lover, your mother, your sister, your brother, your grandpa, your grandma, your house.

your dog, you. You are your own home. And that is the cost, I think, for all of us everywhere. But the cost of being seen is you have to build your own home in yourself because then if you want to show up in a space, you got to know how to hold yourself and only share what you know you can hold in as it comes back because anytime you share, then there's a door open for somebody to share back. And I deeply believe.

in my experience of being seen, especially in social media, that the energy I put out will loop back to me. So how I say things and how I share things, I do so very intentionally because it could be easy to take a snarky mode, right? We can be snarky, we can be mean, we can point fingers in different ways. But I know that if I were ever to share something like that,

It would come back to me like tenfold in that same energy. That is not what I want for my life. That's also not what I want for the lives of people who make the space to pay attention to me online. So what I give, I know I will also receive. And I live by that. I have thought that from day one, I've been on Instagram, social media, building like I have over a hundred, a hundred and 1000 followers, which sometimes like, especially after last night, I'm like, my gosh, that's a lot of people.

And most of the time I just keep it out of my brain and because I don't want it to paralyze me to like step into like whatever weird creative baby that wants to be birthed or whatever needs to be initiated into the world or whatever collective I want to build or whatever restructure of flow school that needs to happen in actual to really in actuality to really serve teachers in a way that I feel like would be so transformative. And if I get stuck in performing in a way then performance

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (30:15.211)
isn't.

Like it doesn't give permission. I mean, if we're looking at being in theater and being on a stage and actually performing as an art, yes. And is there an art to sitting here on podcast and using my voice and not trying to rush really fast, but letting myself have pauses and the pacing and the tone of voice. Yes, there's an art to that. And there's an art to writing and there's an art to things.

And in that way, we can say that performance is an art, yes. I think I'm talking about things that are bigger than that. And if I am gonna continue to give myself permission to play, there also has to be this divorcing of my worth with anybody who might be able to see me. And...

I am reading Elizabeth Gilbert's new book, All the Way to the River, and I love her book, Big Magic. I would so highly recommend it on creativity. And I appreciate how she talks about in Big Magic actually, how she speaks to writing her books and had she stopped at Eat, Pray, Love and what wouldn't have happened in what she published. And she's published so many different types of books and she kind of talks about in that book,

What like some of other authors who wrote something that got legs that really took off that the whole world knew about and then they got scared and they didn't write anymore and what of their voice Didn't happen because then all of sudden they felt like this pressure to perform and What would it be to set down this idea to perform? as teachers and as leaders and to actually show up together to actually create together

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (32:11.326)
and to give each other the permission to be the weirdest, to be the most interesting versions of ourselves, the biggest, boldest, bravest versions of ourselves that only can be born when we all say like, I want that from you as much as I want that from me. Because I think we deeply crave the sense of belonging and the sense of creativity, the sense of worth in our lives. And our worth is not just in what we

what our bodies can do. It's like who we are. And the more that we give ourselves permission, the more that it gives each other permission. And I think it frees us.

And if anything, I hope that anybody who ever comes to any class I ever give, whether it's a workshop or retreat, in-person class, coming to flow school, listening to this podcast right now, like my hope is that there's some way that perhaps I give myself permission that helps you give yourself permission. And I especially know that I have felt freed.

I have felt freed when I show up and let myself be seen as I am, as I am right now. And now I know that I will change. I know that as a teacher I have changed and I will continue to change and that me telling the truth doesn't mean that I have to say everything. It means I'm doing it responsibly. It means that I know that it has impact. It means that I know that the ripples that come from me,

are affecting other people even if I never know about it. It's the same for all of us. The way that I see people and I might smile at what they are doing or at their interaction and the way that I'm smiling and then all of a sudden I pass somebody else and they see my remnant smile and then they smile, right? There's a really small little ripple just in that moment that's kind of quirky and beautiful. And I love that. And I think...

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (34:17.23)
You know, as I reflect on last night and these people showing up in the room who I had not met before and truly I can have the reaction to say like, my gosh, so many people can see me, that's scary and freeze and go into a cave. And maybe sometimes that's important, right? But also I can take it and say, wow, what a gift. How can I show up?

and serve? How can I show up and be with them? How can I honor their desire to build community and themselves and build their own homes? What do I have to learn from them?

and let it be a moment that propels me forward.

not phrases me, but propels me. And how we have to get out our own way in order to do that, right? And I think the cost of being seen requires your truth.

I'm gonna zoom us back here for a story about dating way before I was married. So I would have been like, gosh, 21, 20. I would have been 20 and 42. So this was 22 years ago. So when I was 20, I was not married. I was in my sophomore year, my second year of college. And...

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (35:48.362)
The person I got married to started coming and hanging out at my apartment and had been coming over for a couple weeks. prior to that, a couple months prior to that, I had really liked this other dude and I was hanging out and we were holding hands. We never kissed, but I was into him. And then suddenly he just wasn't there. And I felt like we were spending a bit of time together, but we weren't talking about what we were doing. We were just kind of like there.

and kind of sitting close and I was there, but then all of sudden he really backed off, but he never said anything and I never said anything. And after that, I was like, this is dumb. This is dumb. Why don't we just say what we mean or what we don't mean and not play the game of trying to guess or trying to hide or trying to like drop hints. Let's just actually use our words and say the thing. And I think this now, right? What do you mean?

What do you mean? And what's underneath that? And it becomes deeply introspective. Okay. So fast forward, this dude is coming around my apartment and he's been hanging out for like two weeks and I totally get the vibes that he's there to really hang out with me, but I wasn't interested. And I had decided a couple months prior when this other dude had like dropped off, it's like, you know what? Whenever another opportunity comes around, I'm just going to say the thing. So then.

This guy's there, that's right before Christmas. And I messaged him, was like, hey, can we go for a walk? So he said yes, and we went for a walk. And I gave him what he called later the poop sandwich. So here's a sandwich, looks all great. There's some bread, you know what bread is. It's like, hey, you're pretty great. And then the poop part where you're like, and I'm not interested. And then another piece of bread being like,

but you're cool, so thanks for hanging out. So poop sandwich is what he called that, which is hilarious and appropriate. And I was not unkind, but I was honest. And that was the person I ended up marrying. That's a different story. That's a different story for sure. But I spoke that to him and I was not interested.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (38:17.998)
And I just said it and he decided that it would be a lose either way, a lose to walk away. Cause that was interesting. And I actually told the truth and that was intriguing. And it's a lose if he stayed because I wasn't interested. So he kept hanging out and I was like, I told him the truth. So I was in, I was not trying to woo anybody. I was in my pajamas. I was just hanging with my roommates. was, I was just my regular, regular self.

Truly. And, you know, I give that not as like, I'm not interested in going into the whole story of that relationship, but the honesty and the way it felt in my body, to be really honest, was so, it's so relieving, you know? To be really honest and it's like a, I can't remember where it is. Somebody said this somewhere, like it's a terrible eight seconds or seven seconds, right? When you're gonna step in and you're gonna tell the truth about something,

that feels deeply important to you, your gut and your heart is like, it's gonna be seven or eight seconds, something like that of like intensity that is gonna feel really uncomfortable. And then it feels better. And then you just face it exactly as it comes. And the relief it actually is to live an honest life where you're telling the truth and figuring out what the hell tells the truth even means in a day to day.

I think this is part of the cost of being seen that you get to look at and say, am I telling the truth not only to these other people that might be in front of me, whether it's in person or online, but to myself. And that doesn't mean the whole truth every moment, every day, every time you open your mouth, because that's impossible and not always appropriate. Right? So we are going to be responsible in how we share, because we know what we share comes back to us. So I think

part of figuring out how to hold yourself and being seen no matter what level it is you're being seen at. Whether you're a teacher of kindergartners like a five year olds, right? Or if you are online with five million followers, right? The cost like you're gonna be seen and how do we hold that? How do we build the grit and grace in ourselves in order to hold that? I think it is all about

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (40:45.332)
building your home and yourself as a self-practice. To me that means I have to have quiet time. I have to my own brain time where my vision can actually move and where I can think about things and think through things that I can move without people watching me that I can dance. I love to dance in my kitchen. I love to dance in front of my mirrors. I love mirror work that's hold their conversation. I love lifting and feeling strong.

walking and meditation, those are important to me. Those bring me home to my own self, intimate community. You're going have those small group of people that they can hold you in all of your versions. They can cheer for you. They can call you out. Like that's going to be an intimate small community where you get touch, get affirmation, you get challenge. That's beautiful and important. You got to create with your hands. Me, I love painting circles.

I love painting circles. love gifting them. I give them to everybody who comes to flow school. It's a thing. I love being held with massage. Go get your body held, get it rubbed, get it all the things and writing. These are things. their sensuality and looking for the sensual, the erotic, the things that make you feel alive. I'm not talking about sex, although that's con that's a part two sexuality and, and having awesome sex.

Like that's like a whole thing, whether you're in self pleasure land or you're in partner land, like there's a whole rabbit hole conversation there. But sensuality and sensual living as an erotic practice, eroticism as like what turns you on in life? How can you be lit up? Because we know that when we show up to rooms and are moved ourselves, that means we're embodied. Like when you feel moved and you feel like I'm like in this and turned on by what I'm doing, that's embodiment. That is eroticism.

And it's deeply attractive to see people doing the things that they love and doing them well. Like where you can tell, like you can tell when somebody feels confident in what they're giving and they have lived it. They speak at a different pace. They can hold nuance in a big way.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (43:08.462)
They are not intimidated by other people's points of view. They are willing to have the hard conversations. It's willing to have the hard conversations with yourself and with others. That's part of building the home in yourself where if everybody leaves you because guess what? It makes me teary. I totally had a moment where I cried the other day and I thought, wow, everybody's going to leave me. And gosh, four years from now, all of my kids will be gone. Nobody will be living at home.

My youngest will be in his first year of college. And that is so short of a time, less than four years. So three and a half years, we'll call it. That's so little time. And my kids really ground me and there's certain presence and pattern of dropping in with them that's totally gonna switch and I'm gonna be born as a new person. So like, I think...

There's a lot of different things here.

There's a lot of different things. the way that you see me, if you were to pick up social media right now, and if the way that you see me today is not the way that I have always been, I have not been comfortable to share as I share now, that is something I have grown into. It takes time. It takes building of trust, not just with other people, but building a trust in your own home that you're building in yourself because everybody's going to leave. And I had this moment.

where I was crying about this. I was just like, my gosh, I have to cry about this. My kids are gonna leave. My family's gonna leave in some way or the other. Everyone's gonna die and it's gonna be me alone. And I'm gonna die. And you know, there's like a odd part of relief and like, you know what? And we like keep on going in some way, I don't know, the energy of us. And also this like aloneness.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (45:01.07)
that we truly all always live with. Nobody else can ever be in our head. And my kids will leave and lovers or partners or friends or family, and it'll be me. And how do I feel in this home that I am building within myself?

And do I like it here? And how can I grow it? And how can I be both content and curious and brave?

and give myself permission to be even weirder and even bolder and to look for beauty and all the things. sometimes it really might come to that point where you're like, I gotta set this down. I can't be seen for a second. Go in your creativity cave. Go in your cave of transformation. But then don't forget to come back out. And even if it scares you to do the thing, it also, it's probably the thing that's gonna free you.

And I think about when I started the Sexy Sunday Poetry Prompt, which was in December of 2019. That was a minute ago. And I did it for about four years. Every Sunday, I shared a poetry prompt, a Sexy Sunday Poetry Prompt, and I wrote a sexy poem and I shared it. And I was terrified to share it, to share more sexy poems, even though I'd been sharing some, until I had this moment where I was like, you know what? I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna invite everybody else to do it. And I did that.

and it freed me. It opened up something in me that I couldn't have opened up without stepping into the space that felt a little bit scary. And the way that others responded and the way that it freed them and helped them find themselves too in their own expression, how many people would respond and share their poems over those years, like, it was so magic. It was so magic.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (47:01.622)
I want to read as we close here. I want to read the poem from Mary Oliver called Wild Geese. You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile, the world goes on.

Meanwhile, the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile, the wild geese high in the clean blue air are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting, over and over announcing your place in the family of things.

You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (48:24.078)
Mm.

you get to create this life.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (48:33.494)
You get to define what curiosity and bravery are. You get to decide what you're paying attention to and realize what you're paying attention to. You're giving your love to and vice versa. I love the song, Awake My Soul by Mumford and Sons. Go listen to that.

You get to be wherever you are, both permission to be real and professional. You get to play and be serious about it. This is it. This is it loves. This is our life. Just live today. Live today so damn well. So damn well. From the home that I am building.

and myself to hold myself and knowing that I am seen and that I'm in the journey of what it means to be seen and how to see myself because I got to see myself first y'all. The mirror work is really important if you are interested just I don't know I don't even have a place to point you right now that's like part of my my brain I have a creative baby of like how to help you hold yourself to be seen even more impactfully because you

have gifts to give the world. You have gifts to share with the world and there are ways that you sharing them will change the direction of lives and help people expand in ways that are unimaginably beautiful.

Truly. I truly believe that.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (50:16.758)
and you have to be able to be seen in order to do that.

Mm.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (50:27.298)
I'm sending you big love from my heart home to your heart home.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (50:36.16)
and I'll be back here again soon.