The Fangirl Business: A Supernatural Podcast

43: Radio Company's "Watching Over Me" & Some Squee

February 01, 2022 The Fangirl Business Season 1 Episode 43
The Fangirl Business: A Supernatural Podcast
43: Radio Company's "Watching Over Me" & Some Squee
Show Notes Transcript

Content Warning: This episode contains audio from Castiel's confession scene.

In what is a very 2022 moment, Chrisha and Catherine present to you a podcast they recorded in 2021--whilst also announcing an official hiatus after having not released any content for the past nine months. Yes, this pandemic sure has been a ride!

Join them for some Destiel squee and pain while they examine Radio Company's "Watching Over Me." They go on a deep dive about why they see this music as a song written from Dean's perspective after Cas' death, textually comparing the lyrics to moments from Season 15. 

Supernatural audio clip credits: The CW 
Music clip credits: Radio Company, "Watching Over Me"; Amy Grant, "Angels Watching Over Me"

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Radio Company’s “Watching Over Me” & Some Squee

Disclaimer: The information presented in this podcast is intended to be for entertainment and educational purposes only. It should never be used in place of advice given by a mental health or medical professional, or as a substitute for mental health treatment. If you're struggling with a mental health issue, please seek professional help.

Intro Instrumental Rock Music: “Play the Game” by VooDoo Blooze

Intro music segues into an excerpt of “Watching Over Me” by Radio Company: “Lay it on / Now that I can see / Couldn’t barely talk / Without the will to breathe / Didn’t hear the strength within your words / And what they mean / You were watchin’ over me”

Chrisha: Hello, and welcome to this episode of The Fangirl Business. 

Catherine: I'm Catherine. 

Chrisha: And I'm Chrisha. And it has been a while. But we are here with kind of a strange episode, but an episode.

*Catherine giggles*

Catherine: It's a good one we promise.

Chrisha: Yeah, I mean it– that– it's very 2022 energy, which is like, I dunno, here's some stuff. Um…

Catherine: You're welcome. *laughs*

Chrisha: Yeah, like we have made content. Ish.

Catherine: Yay! And in the very 2022 ish-ness of it all, it's 2021 content that you're getting in 2022.

Chrisha: That is correct. Yes. So we are here to bring you an episode that we recorded actually in – I think it was – May 2021?

Catherine: Probably.

Chrisha: That yeah, we recorded. And then, uh, life sort of happened.

Catherine: *philosophically* What is time? 

Chrisha: I don’t– It doesn't exist anymore, right? I mean–

Catherine: No.

Chrisha: –It's all just sort of hand waved at this point. But you know, we were like, we should release that one. That's a good one. We should put that one out there. So here we are bringing you, I don't know, how many –what’s math? – like nine month old content?

Catherine: There we go. Yes, I can't do math.

Chrisha: *dryly* It’s timely. What changes in this fandom anyway, let's be honest.

*Catherine laughing*

Catherine: I know, I was listening to it last night. And it was like so much of the stuff is just the same. Same.

Chrisha: The bulk of the episode today is going to be talking about our interpretation of the song “Watching Over Me” from Radio Company Volume Two, because of course, we saw some Destiel in there. And so using our analytical brains, we decided we wanted to dig into it and see the Destiel of it all. But as we so often do, we set up that episode with a check in with each other of you know, how are you feeling? How are you doing from a fandom perspective? And absolutely hilarious listening to it back nine months later, because it was about the same? 

Catherine: Yep!

Chrisha: Like we're gonna do an updated one and cut the old one. But we really probably could have just snuck in the old one, and it would have been fine. 

Catherine: That’s true.

Chrisha: *echoing her earlier question* What is time?

Catherine: What is time? Time is meaningless. It's all just a big blur. I mean, really. So we did want to also formally announce that we are going to be taking a hiatus before we record new content, because life is a dumpster fire–

Chrisha: Little bit.

Cathiner: –for everyone right now, including us, but we wanted to give you a little something that will hopefully make you smile and make you squee and maybe make you scream into the void that is life at this point as well. But in a fun way, right?

Chrisha: Yeah. In a squee– squee way

Catherine: “In a squee way”? Yeah. But there was also pain I feel like for both of us, but then we were also like *fervently* but we love this pain. So you know, I think it was still fun.

Chrisha: Yeah, I mean, that's very I– that’s Destiel and Supernatural in the nutshell, I feel like.

Catherine: It's true. 

Chrisha: If you don't love pain, this is not the place for you. 

Catherine: That's very true. 

Chrisha: So the last episode that we've put out of the podcast was the finale episodes that we did the deep dive on, which was early last year. So it's been–

Catherine: Like a year.

Chrisha: –almost a year since we've put stuff out. So I love that we're announcing a hiatus after we've basically been on hiatus for a year. But you know, like, again - time. We had really good intentions for like a year. Y'all know what I'm talking about, like, you know how it is, now we're just admitting defeat and waving the white flag. So because those last episodes that we did officially are so heavy, I feel like we haven't really, officially on the podcast had time to process since then, how we've been feeling, how we've been doing with fandom related things in the way that we typically would have done. 

Catherine: Oh God, yeah. 

Chrisha: So obviously, we scream on Twitter regularly. But how are you feeling about things now? About– how far out are we from the finale now? A year and a half? Is that what we would say? Little over a year.

Catherine: A little over a year, because it ended in November of 2020. Dear Lord, what is time? I guess, I mean, there have been highs and lows with which is just the way of fandom. I've had a lot of strong feelings at different points about I can't manage this, or I can't manage that. So I've really locked down my timeline, what I see and who can see me, in order to make things manageable, because something I think that we talked about last time was the squee police. And I think that's still very relevant, that there's a lot of fandom policing of happy squee times where people kind of come in and are like *superior voice* Well Actually, or *grouchy voice* how dare you squee. So there's been a lot of that going on so I've really locked down my timeline and also I was targeted a few times by people when I was nervous or anxious about things. And people who I didn't know found that and decided it would be great to make fun of me. So there's been some not fun times. But I think one of the things that's been really positive has been that the fanfic community is thriving, the fan art, there are now a bajillion podcasts out there that are talking about bi!Dean and Destiel–

Chrisha: *satisfied* Yeees, I love it.

Cathiner: –which is awesome. Yes. So the fan content side of things is just thriving. And that's really nice to see over a year out from the finale. People are just as passionate about the show, passionate about the characters, passionate about Destiel as they ever were. And I love that because I think there was a lot of real anxiety about whether the fandom would survive post show. And it is and it's not just surviving, it's thriving. So I've been really encouraged by that. And how about you?

Chrisha: I think I'm in a similar headspace. I think depending on the day, I can be very tired.

Catherine: *laughs* Yes, that's a good description.

Chrisha: The fandom wank continues to be exhausting. I'm not quite sure why in the year 2022 when everything is as difficult as it is, people use their energy to tear down other people's joy when it's not hurting anyone. I don't understand that. I'm sure there's reason for it, but it's just not how I choose to spend my time, certainly. So I find that to be disheartening, especially just in context of the bigger picture of the world right now. That tends to be– Yeah, just just hard. So I haven't always been able to be in the fandom spaces as much as I could. They're not the safe haven that they used to be. And that's a bummer. Truly. 

Catherine: Yeah. 

Chrisha: But there is also times that are absolutely wonderful. And those absolutely remain. You know, we're recording this on January 25th, 2022 and yesterday was Dean's birthday. And what an explosion of love for that guy.

Catherine: Mm. So many people made pie.

Chrisha: It’s incredible. Like can you imagine there– there are very few real people that get that kind of outpouring of birthday love, let alone a fictional character whose show ended more than a year ago. Watching everyone dressing up and making art and writing fic and baking pies and cakes and just everything… It was just so beautiful and Jensen posted and– *sighs happily* It was just lovely. 

Catherine: There was like poetry and stuff, too, I mean, like every possible way that people could do creative stuff to say thank you to Dean Winchester for existing. They did it and it was wonderful.

Chrisha: Regardless of what may have happened on the television program Supernatural, Dean Winchester is alive and thriving, as was evidenced by yesterday. 

Catherine: Absolutely. 

Chrisha: So I guess to sum up, I don't have the space to be as involved as I once was because the balance of happy squee with exhaustion fandom drama is not as skewed towards happy as it once was. So to be a bit more purposeful in my time because energy is low. And when I say low, I mean there's like *pauses thoughtfully* none. *laughs*

Catherine: I feel like it’s in negative numbers.

Chrisha: So really need my hobby to be at least a little bit replenishing. But I do love this community, I really do. Which is good because we're all stuck here. I mean, can we get out? I don't know. 

Catherine: No. 

Chrisha: If we wanted to I– um…

Catherine: There is no way out. *laughs maniacally* 

Chrisha: Hotel Supernatural. *chuckling*

Catherine: I mean, just look at all the people who like, thought they got out and then got sucked back in.

*both laughing*

Chrisha: Ah, we laugh.

Catherine: Yeah, we do. But it's accurate. Okay, so I guess that's probably about it from us before we transition you into what we recorded previously. But as always, we love you a whole bunch and thanks for listening. And here we go. 

Excerpt of “Watching Over Me” by Radio Company plays: “You can hear the call / When trouble's on the way / Who said the beast was gone? / He was only just away / Tryin' to find the peace and always knowin' / I was never really free / You were watchin' over me”

Chrisha: Today we are back.

Catherine: So today we get to squee.

Chrisha:  Yes, please. Thank you.

Catherine: Yes! I was saying on Twitter the other day, I was like I don't even remember the last time that I just squeed because there was some fun stuff happening, which we'll get into. But it was just sheer squee and I was like *squealing* this is amazing! This is what this feels like? Is this dopamine in my brain? I'm not sure. I forget how that feels. 

Chrisha: Yes. It feels like the way that things have gone in Destiel fandom since I've been around and– and heavy into that corner of things is that every time we are given something to squee about it is immediately then kind of squashed or devalued or invalidated and– and so it's like we have this squee and then there's backlash. And it's like *angry voice* how dare you squee! And it’s… 

Catherine: It’s the squee police.

Chrisha: It's– really feels that way sometimes. Yeah. And so I guess this week when we had some squee and of course there was backlash and it hit particularly hard for me for whatever reason, I was like *deflated tone* oh. Oh, this is– this is a pattern. I see. And I'm getting more and more messed up by it every time and then I just got, like, mad. I was like *sternly* No, no, dammit. We are gonna have fun! 

Catherine: *encouragingly* Yes!

Chrisha: Yeah, we're gonna record about it. And we're gonna enjoy it, dammit. *laughs*

Catherine: So we're creating squee space in this episode.

Chrisha: Yeah. Yeah, I like that. Squee space. So Radio Company Volume Two dropped this week. Finally. We've all been living in anticipation for a great long while. And it's amazing, honestly. So Radio Company is Jensen Ackles and Steve Carlson. And from Volume One, “Sounds of Someday” was in– was in Supernatural in season 15.

Catherine: Yeah, it was in episode four, “Atomic Monsters”. 

Chrisha: Yep. And then of course, you know, fandom does its thing and has overlaid the music in other scenes as well, even though it wasn't officially there. But yeah, so their second album released this week, and there's one song in particular that a lot of Destiel fans, like you and I, read the lyrics for and, um, squeed to the mountaintops because boy, it has some– some Destiel vibes to it, for sure.

Catherine: What I love about this fandom is that the album dropped on Friday. It dropped officially at like 12:01am–

Chrisha: Local time, wherever you were.

Cathiner: –local time, but because the rest of the world is ahead of us, and it was a global release, people were listening throughout the fandom in other parts of the world. And so here in North America, before we heard the song, we got the lyrics. And so the entire Destiel fandom went nuts over just the lyrics without having heard the song. *laughs*

Chrisha: *chuckles* That’s very on brand for us.

Catherine: Yes, it really is. Well, how would you characterize it? It's very, like, mellow and kind of folksy and, like, a bit of rock. But like soft, but not soft rock. I'm terrible at these things. I'm terrible at describing it. Um…

Chrisha: I mean, it's a rock song. It's just a mellow rock song.

Catherine: Yeah, yeah. And the entire album, I haven't heard all the– all the way through. But what I've heard so far, I've really enjoyed and you've heard the entire album, you've had a chance to listen, and you enjoyed it just *slyly* just a little bit?

Chrisha: Just, you know, just a bit. And by a bit I mean, like, my nine year old and I are just like screaming in the car like *hyper voice* Oh my God, was that a trumpet? It’s amazing!

*Catherine laughing* 

Chrisha: Yeah. Yeah, we liked it a bit.

Catherine: “Watching Over Me” is sung exclusively by Jensen, I think with maybe some backing harmonization from Steve. *laughs* As soon as the lyrics dropped, we started screaming in all caps to each other in DMs.

Chrisha: Yes. Like screaming in all caps while, like, analyzing lyrics–

Catherine: Yes.

Chrisha: –paralleling them to Supernatural language. Because–

Catherine: Yes!

Chrisha: –we are just the nerdiest fan girls. Like, sometimes I just sort of think about the conversations we have, but like outside of them, and I'm just like, yeah, we're nerds.

*Catherine giggling*

Catherine: So I want to preface before we get into our fan girl nerd analysis that this is our interpretation. So if you have a different read on this, this is not invalidating your read on it in any way. This is just the way that we're seeing it. And it's our squee that we wanted to share with you in case you want to squee along with us.

Chrisha: Yeah, I've ranted about this on Twitter, certainly just because this was where the squee police came in, because there were a lot of us that really saw Destiel in this song. And because it seems like – and we'll get into the specifics – but it seems like it's written from Dean's perspective post-18. Do I think that Jensen sat down and wrote a song like that? I have no idea. I have no idea. So this isn't ascribing intent. But it's a work of art that hit me in a certain way. And that's what art is supposed to do. So like “Angel with a Shotgun”, right–

Catherine: *interjecting with the name of the band* The Cab.

Chrisha: –I have no idea if they've ever seen Supernatural or if they– no clue. That song is about Castiel. Like that song is about Castiel, Angel of the Lord–

Catherine: It sure is!

Chrisha: –for me, full stop. I– I understand intellectually that it could be about something else, I suppose. I don't see how, because it just seems, like, directly written about Cas. But I don't know. I'm not gonna ascribe intent. But songs can hit in such a way. And so this song, whether it was written and performed by Jensen or some other person in the world wouldn't matter in terms of interpretation. Like if I heard these lyrics anywhere, I would think holy crap, that sounds like– that sounds like Dean

Catherine: Mmhmm. Talkin’ about Cas.

Chrisha: –you know what I mean? So, you know, I– and– and that's okay, you know, because that's what art is supposed to do, is it’s supposed to invoke things in us, and it's supposed to be experienced through the lens of our own feelings and our own thoughts and the way that we see the world. That's why we have art. It's not supposed to be a literal interpretation of what the writer was feeling at the time. That can be cool. I enjoy hearing where certain songs came from and what– what they were feeling. But we can still have our own.

Catherine: Yeah, and I think the other layer to that is that often writers will write things without meaning to write things in a certain way. But things will come out anyway, right?

Chrisha: *dryly* Like Supernatural?

*both laugh*

Catherine: Yes. I'm just speaking as somebody who years and years ago, I wrote a novel. If I wrote it now I would do it completely differently. And I just shared it with friends and family. But a lot of people, after they read it, came back to me with all of these insights about the story that I went, Oh yeah, I totally was doing a thing! I was, like, not consciously aware of doing it, but it still ended up there on the page because I am who I am. And so, you know, sometimes things come out that we don't necessarily intend as artists, but it's still there in the art that we produce, whether it's conscious or subconsciously, it's coming out of us onto the page or into the song or– or onto the canvas or whatever it is. So I think there's that level of things. And also, you know, the other part of it is we're all products of society and culture. So it wouldn't surprise me, if somebody who's acted on the set of Supernatural for 15 years shares, culturally with the fandom, things that resonate, and that comes out on the page. There are a lot of different layers to this. And so, like, while we don't want to ascribe an intent because Jensen hasn't come out and said, “I wrote this as Dean talking about Cas”, I think that there's a shared culture. And so it makes sense that certain things resonate, and I think it's fun. I think that basically, when it comes down to it, I find– I just find analysis fun. 

Chrisha: It is fun. 

Catherine: I like picking things apart and seeing how they work. And I like seeing what resonates. *squee voice* So I'm really excited to do this, Chrishaaa!

Chrisha: I know! Well, and that's why I really wanted to just be really clear about the idea that we can, you know, we can analyze and see what resonates for us and, whatever it is, whether it's a show or a song or– or a painting, it's okay for any one to get what they get from stuff. And so I feel like that needs saying sometimes. And I needed to hear it, too, because, like, I got really housed by the squee police on this one. And I was just like, oh, ugh and then was like, wait a damn minute.

*both laugh*

Catherine: Yes, so free our inner squee. And– and feel empowered to go and look at things and see how they work and see what resonates with you. I mean, that's– that's literally all we're doing. And we're not doing it from a place of, you know, like, *serious voice* authority, we have the final answer. We're doing it from a place of fun and enthusiasm and, you know, taking our different experiences and kind of just running with it. So you are empowered to do that as well. And you should feel empowered to do that as well. So shall we– shall we? 

Chrisha: And on that note, the song is called “Watching over Me”. So I want to share– I want to share a funny story with you, because I don't know that you know this about me. I was thinking about it, because the first thing that came up for me when I saw the title “Watching over Me” is I was actually raised pretty religious. And I was not allowed to listen to anything but religious music when I was a kid. 

Catherine: Interesting. 

Chrisha: So there's no pop music for me until I started sneaking it a bit later. But I was a goody goody so I didn't do that for a great many years. So I listened to a lot of Amy Grant when I was a kid. 

Catherine: *excitedly* Me, too!

Chrisha: She was a Christian singer. And she has – I looked it up – oh my god, that album is from, like, 1984 and there's a song called–

*both speaking at the same time* “Angels Watching over Me”. [The correct title is actually “Angels”]

Catherine: *freaking out* Oh my gosh, I know this song, Chrisha! 

Chrisha: I know, I was like I gotta tell Catherine this, she’s going to crack up.

*both laughing*

Catherine: This is why it was, like, pinging something in my brain!

Chrisha: Yes! Yes! *pauses* So. Anyway, yes.

Catherine: Oh my gosh, our shared– I can– I’m hearing the tune now in my head.

Excerpt of “Angels” sung by Amy Grant plays: “If you're asking what's protecting me then you're gonna hear me say: / Got His angels watching over me, every move I make / Angels watching over me! / Angels watching over me, every step I take / Angels watching over me”

Catherine: Wow, bringin’ it back.

Chrisha: Like way back, we are old. Yeah. So yeah, it's– it's– “Watching over Me” certainly invokes angels. I think that's a standard thing, that's not a Supernatural thing. That's a standard thing. 

Catherine: Oh, yes. Yeah. Within the lore of Supernatural this is an idea that's introduced really, really, really early on. Season two, there's an episode called “Houses of the Holy”, it's their first encounter with what they think at some stage might not be either a ghost or a demon. But at one point, Sam is convinced that it's an angel. And there's this really fascinating interaction between Sam and Dean, and I remembered it really vividly from that episode, because I think it was really foundational for me in terms of relating with Sam more strongly/ Because he has faith. And I hadn't really realized the– like, they talked about it a little bit in the first episode with a reaper. But that was all really about saving Dean, and desperation. And this was more about having hope that there was something more. And Dean is, like, vehemently opposed to that perspective. And Sam is kind of, like, wounded by that and taken aback. And as a viewer, I was, too. I was like, oh, Dean's like– Dean's– is Dean an atheist, like, what's going on here? And it ended up being this really personal reason, which was that his mom had faith. And she believed in angels, and she believed that angels were watching over them. And that was the last thing that she would say to him every night when she was tucking him into bed. And then she died. And nothing protected her. So can you imagine at four years old– and in that speech he says the very last thing that she ever said to him was “angels are watching over you”. And then he wakes up and the house is on fire. And his dad is screaming at him and shoving a baby in his arms and telling him to run. *shaky sigh* So the contrast between this kind of, like, hopeful, peaceful thing and the– the trauma that followed it, forever shaped who he was and what he believed in.

Excerpt from Supernatural Season 2, Episode 13 “Houses of the Holy” plays: 

Sam: You know what, Dean, I don’t understand! Why can’t you even consider the possibility?

Dean: What, that this is an angel?

Sam: Yes! Maybe we’re hunting an angel here and we should stop. Maybe this is God’s will.

Dean: Ok. Alright. You know what, I get it, you’ve got faith. That’s– hey, good for you, I’m sure it makes things easier. I’ll tell you who else had faith like that: Mom. She used to tell me when she tucked me in that angels were watching over us. In fact, that was the last thing she ever said to me. 

Sam: You never told me that.

Dean: Well, what’s to tell?  She was wrong. There was nothing protecting her. There's no higher power, there's no God. I mean, there's just chaos, and violence, and random unpredictable evil that comes out of nowhere and rips you to shreds. You want me to believe in this stuff? I'm going to need to see some hard proof. You got any? 

Catherine: He couldn't have faith. Because nothing protected his mom from the demon. And if angels were real, why didn't they save her? So it's this very, very, very powerful scene that's deeply fundamental to Dean's character and who he is and his outlook on the world. And it's all contained within that one phrase, you know, “angels are watching over you”. And– and so to me, part of the reason that this resonated with Supernatural was because– because of the title and because of this phrase, like, you are watching over me, and then we kind of got into thinking through – right Chrisha? – all of the different times that it’s used over the course of Supernatural. And it is used quite a lot. 

Chrisha: Yeah. 

Catherine: So the next time it comes up is in the episode where they go back in time for the second time. This is in the middle of the angels trying to convince Dean to say yes to Michael. This time when they go back in time, Mary is pregnant with Dean. And at the very end of the episode, they're in the nursery. They're getting ready for Dean's arrival, and she has this angel figurine. John is there with her. It's really interesting because we see this glimpse of him being, like, really sweet and really tender. So he's kind of touching her belly and has his arm around her. 

Excerpt from Supernatural Season 5, Episode 13 “The Song Remains the Same” plays: 

John: Where do you even get it? 

Mary: Garage sale. 25 cents. 

John: *teasingly* Well, I'm glad to hear that anyway. 

Mary: Hey!

John: I mean, you really don't think it's just a little cheesy?

Mary: I think it's sweet. I can't even put my finger on why I like it. I just… like it. 

John: Well, then I love it. 

*John walks out of the room and Mary feels the baby kick*

Mary: Quite a kick there. Troublemaker already. It's okay, baby, it’s all okay. Angels are watching over you.

Catherine: And that's the end of the episode. So the phrase is tied very closely to Mary. It's also tied very closely to angels. And the angel that we have in the story is Cas. But kind of through the end of season 14 and into 15 there's this huge rift between Dean and Cas because of Mary. 

Chrisha: Yeah. 

Catherine: Dean blames Cas for her death, because he knew something was wrong with Jack but he didn't say something. Instead, he went off to try to find a fix for what was wrong with Jack. Dean blames Cas for not warning them and therefore for putting Mary in danger. He actually says at one point “you're dead to me” in season 14, when it all kind of hits the fan. But in that same episode, they show a flashback between Cas and Mary, and they've gone on a hunt together, which I thought was fascinating.

Chrisha: Yeah.

Catherine: You know, they're– all of the stuff that we don't see on screen, all of the things that fanfic people fill in the gaps and have all of the different adventures, I always get excited when we get to see those glimpses on screen of things that we might not have thought would have happened. But apparently at one stage, Cas and Mary went on a hunt together soon after she returned. Because she's still not sure how she feels about angels being real, and she's, like, a little nervous about him healing her and she’s like, it's not that bad, don't worry about it. But they get into the car and Cas is saying–

Excerpt from Supernatural Season 14, Episode 18 “Absence” plays:  

Cas: I know you know this, Mary, but Sam and Dean, they're glad to have you back. Whatever you still have to deal with and however long it takes, you should know they're happy. Finally they don't have to be so... So alone.

Catherine: And she turns and she looks at him and kind of catches his eye and she's– she says–

Excerpt from Supernatural Season 14, Episode 18 “Absence” plays:  

Mary: Castiel. They were never alone.

Catherine: And… my interpretation of that moment was she was saying they had you. 

Chrisha: Yeah. 

Catherine: And it– it to me, it really brought back in that phrasing of “angels are watching over you” because Cas was there and he was keeping an eye on them. And he was helping out where he could. And so it was this real acknowledgement of the role that Cas played in their lives when she couldn't be there. And I know he wasn't looking after them from, you know, the moment she died until all the way through, but he did come in 11 years ago, so he's been there for a significant chunk of their lives. It was just this really meaningful moment. And then when we get into the Cas love confession scene in (episode) 18… he talks about how he saw Dean. And all of this time he was watching him and seeing him and seeing him for who he really was.

Excerpt from Supernatural Season 15, Episode 18 “Despair” plays: 

Cas: Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. You raised your little brother for love, you've fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are. You're the most caring man on earth, you are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know.

Catherine: It goes from angels are watching you and protecting you, to angels are watching you and you are actually saving and changing the angel. And so it takes this– this phrase and this concept that's been running through the whole show and inverts it in this really powerful way, and shows how, in the end, it's humanity that saves us. So that's my, like, blip just about the title. 

Chrisha: Yeah.

Catherine: Watching over me. And so– so I love that there's this whole thing about Mary tied in and how it goes from Dean’s point of view, like, about how the world works, to Cas, to the rift between Cas and Dean, to then it being about the love between Cas and Dean. All just within one little phrase. Okay. It’s over to you now.

Chrisha: I mean, I think just to point out the title of the song is “Watching over Me”; that invokes angels. It is sung by Jensen Ackles, who just got done 15 years with a show that heavily involves angels. There was a lot of, I don't know, pushback I guess, on the idea that, like, why did people jump to Supernatural? Well, because it’s a song that invokes angels, that's why. So you know, just like an Occam's razor, just like throwing that out there. But yeah, so in terms of the lyrics, you know, as I was going through and reading them, you know, like I said earlier, it seemed to me like a song from the perspective of Dean after Cas' love confession, which we didn't get to see Dean's response (to), and so being able to see that in this song was a lot. Whether it's intended or not, it was still, it was like a punch in the… somethin’. I don't know, it was just very like, oh my gosh. So to kind of get into the lyrics. So it starts out saying “lay it on / now that I can see / couldn't bear to talk / without the will to breathe”– 

Excerpt of “Watching Over Me” by Radio Company plays: “Lay it on / Now that I can see / Couldn't barely talk / Without the will to breathe”

Chrisha: Part of the reason that we didn't get a response from Dean is because everything happened so fast in the dungeon. 

Catherine: Right. Right. 

Chrisha: And so Dean was trying, I think, very hard to process what Cas was telling him–

Catherine: Yeah.

Chrisha: –but it was just too much and he– he blue-screened, right? Like that's– that's the joke is his brain just like– like he was hearing it. And it was like the data was coming in but could not compute and he had exactly point five seconds to respond. Couldn't get there, shockingly, in that point five seconds, and that's why we didn't get a response from him, because there just wasn't time, he didn't have time to process it. And so just this beginning “couldn't bear to talk / without the will to breathe” for me, certainly invoked those images of Dean with that like oh face where he's like, oh, you know, trying to process. They call it the fanfic oh face, the, like, oh, he loves me moment that is in every Destiel fanfiction that exists. And, yeah, so it just– it definitely brought that up for me and then “didn't hear the strength within your words / and what they mean / you were watching over me”–

Excerpt of “Watching Over Me” by Radio Company plays: “Didn't hear the strength within your words / And what they mean / You were watchin' over me”

Chrisha: And this one got me a lot because it sort of goes along with what you were saying, you know, as Cas is talking about Dean and what he has done for love, Cas talks about all of those things that Dean has done over the years. The secret things, the things that he didn't tell anybody about, the things that he protected Sam from that– that he just took on himself. And you know, we talked about daddy's blunt instrument, like how that's so– it's such specific wording that Dean has used within his own head. You know, I mean, Cas really tapped into this really, really intimate layer of Dean's experiences and the things that he has done, and loved him for it. He saw the real Dean and he loved him for it. And so “didn't hear the strength within your words / and what they mean”, Cas all season had been trying to tell Dean, they were real, you know, the– that their relationship was real, that their feelings were real. And also just that Cas had been looking out for him. Cas had been watching over him just the whole time. You know, the whole time.

Catherine: Yes.

Chrisha: *pained* Just ugh

Catherine: I know. And I mean, even the first line “lay it on”... “Lay it on me” is so something that Dean would say, and I'm sure has many, many times. The way that I see it is that this is a reflective piece that's written after Dean has had some time to process. And now he's sort of saying, now I can see because you've– you've told me everything. I can see, I can see that you loved me. I can see what you were trying to say. In the breakup scene in episode 3, “The Rupture” of this– this past season (season 15), one of the things that Cas says is that he kept trying to talk to Dean–

Excerpt from Supernatural Season 15, Episode 3 “The Rupture” plays: 

Cas: [...] I've tried to talk to you, over and over, and you just don't want to hear it. You don't care. [...] Well, I don't think there's anything left to say.

Catherine: He kept trying to talk with him. And Dean didn't want to listen, but this is almost like a response. And him saying it's not that I couldn't listen, it's that I couldn't bear to talk

Chrisha: Yeah. 

Catherine: So he was holding it all in. And we know he was holding it all in, because we have his confession scene in “The Trap”. And it just comes bursting out of him, all of these emotions and these feelings and these things that he's been wanting to say but he couldn't say. Because that's what Dean does, he holds it in. And so it was too much for him to be able to talk when Cas was wanting to talk to him. So to me the language starting from the beginning, it's a very Dean thing to say.

Excerpt of “Watching Over Me” by Radio Company plays: “Couldn't barely talk”

Catherine: It feels like such a reference to these different moments where there's specific language going on within the episodes. 

Chrisha: Yeah.

Catherine: Then we get to line four. And we have “without the will to breathe”. And that brought me back to episode 4, which was “Atomic Monsters”, and there's this scene between Dean and Sam in the car–

Excerpt from Supernatural Season 15, Episode 4 “Atomic Monsters” plays: 

Dean: Now that Chuck's gone, we're finally on our own. We are finally free to move on, you know?

Sam: I– I  don't know if I can move on. You know, I can't forget any of them. Dean, I still think about Jessica. I can't just let that go. 

Dean: No, man, that’s not what I'm talking about. 

Sam: I know, I know, I know. I'm sorry. I know. But what I'm saying is that I don't feel free. What we've done, what we've lost, right now, that is what I'm feeling, and sometimes it’s– sometimes it's like I can't even breathe.

Catherine: Sam bringing up Jessica, the love of his life at that point, because at that point Eileen is not back and he never really had a chance to start things with Eileen. And so it's the scene that– that intimately connects love, like the love of your life and the loss of that love without being able to breathe. So to me, the fact that I'm thinking about all of these scenes that have happened in the past season, and then we come to this line, and the big elephant in the room has been Dean didn't respond. Dean never responded. If we're thinking about this as a response to just him not talking about Cas in the last couple of episodes, this is saying, I miss you so much that I can't breathe. It's not like other songs don't use similar metaphors, but I just find it very, very interesting that within the first four lines, you're getting all of these things that are so Dean-centric and season 15-centric, in terms of language and imagery and scenes, it’s just like, ah! Chrisha!

Chrisha: Yeah. Well, and the other thing as you were talking about that the idea of “couldn't bear to talk / without the will to breathe”. Dean sat on the floor, ignoring phone calls from Sam when the world was ending, literally, but he couldn't bear to talk.

Excerpt from Supernatural Season 15, Episode 18 “Despair” plays: 

*Dean’s phone vibrating loudly with a call from Sam*

*The phone clatters as Dean drops it, the tone of the vibration changing as it lands on the concrete floor*

*Heavy breathing and choked sobbing*

Catherine: Oh my gosh, yes

Chrisha: Talk about the will to breathe.

Catherine: Yeah, he couldn't even pick up the phone. And he always answered Sam.

Chrisha: Because he just liked the idea of trying to save the world at that point. He just didn't have the will to do it. And we've never seen that Dean before. And so you know, again, Dean had his whole understanding of his relationship with Cas, I think, completely kind of revolutionized in Cas’ declaration–

Catherine: Heck yes.

Chrisha: –you know, that– that Cas had been so protective of him all of these years. He had been watching over him for all of these years and was so fiercely protective of Dean, because he saw Dean. Cas loved Dean because Dean was so worthy of being loved, you know? So yeah. “Didn't hear the strength within your words / and what they mean / you were watching over me”.

Catherine: I mean, you think about that and then you think about just a moment like “we are”. Right?

Excerpt of “Watching Over Me” by Radio Company plays: “Didn't hear the strength within your words / And what they mean”

Excerpt from Supernatural Season 15, Episode 2 “Raising Hell” plays: 

Cas: You asked, “What about all of this is real?” We are.

Catherine: Now, you can hear that as Dean, as we're real, God doesn't control us. Or you can hear that as a Destiel fan and go, we're real, our love is real

Chrisha: Yep. 

Catherine: And freak out, right? And so it's– it's that moment of recognition and kind of retroactively going back through every conversation to look at the words that were said. And– and here's what I think is beautiful and poetic about that. “Didn't hear the strength within your words”. When you understand what someone was actually saying, words become more powerful, right? And so the idea of there being a power within those words that you didn't see or recognize before, “the strength within your words / and what they mean”. So this– this recognition of what Cas was trying to say to him all of these times and all of these different conversations, and I think “we are” is a perfect example of that.

Chrisha: But yeah, I mean, we talked about how we've known, right, that Cas was in love with Dean forever. But when Cas said it, you know, when he, like, used his words and finally, like, said it out loud, it still revolutionized everything for all of us. We had to go back and, like, rewatch these– all these different scenes to be like, Oh, it's so much more powerful now. It's so much more real now. I feel like Dean probably spent some time doing that, like, replaying conversations that he had had with Cas.

Catherine: Yes. And the refrain, that echo that keeps coming up at the end of all of the verses is “you were watching over me”. And– and to me, that's another way of saying you saw me.

Chrisha: Yeah.

Catherine: You saw me. You saw who I really was. And we've been talking all season about how Cas knows Dean. And just the ease with which he talked about who Dean was. So one of those moments that comes to mind is the scene with Jack and Cas in the kitchen, where Jack is asking–

Excerpt from Supernatural Season 15, Episode 13 “Destiny’s Child” plays: 

Jack: Will he ever forgive me?

Cas: You know, Dean, he feels things more acutely than any human I've ever known. So it's possible he could work through this. One day, he may explode, let it all out, breathe deeply, and move on

Catherine: Cas goes very easily through Dean’s entire process of how he processes things. And part of that is like he feels more deeply than any human I've ever known. He has just this awareness, and– and we learn in that final love confession scene that it's because he's been paying attention. And sure, I think part of it was he rebuilt Dean so he has access. I’ve thought about stuff like this, like, does he– does he have access to his memories? 

Chrisha: Right, I’ve wondered that.

Catherine: Yeah. Or like, did he see when he was trying to retrieve Dean from Michael, you know, that daddy's blunt instrument moment? Like, I don't know. But somewhere along the line, he picked up on those things. And he doesn't say it, right?

Chrisha: Mmhmm. Because he knows that Dean would feel self conscious about it.

Catherine: Exactly. So he protects Dean from himself–

Chrisha: –and watches over him. Mmhmm.

Catherine: He knows. He's aware, he sees him, and I think that was such a pivotal part of that final speech that ties in so nicely with that phrase “you were watching over me”. Shall we move on to verse two? 

Chrisha: Yeah, so verse two is where my brain broke because *stumbling a bit* it– it's hard for me– not– this one just feels very literal, you know? So it says “you can hear the call / when trouble’s on the way / who said the beast was gone / he was only just away”–

Excerpt of “Watching Over Me” by Radio Company plays: “You can hear the call / When trouble's on the way / Who said the beast was gone? / He was only just away”

Chrisha: So in (episode) 19, Dean gets a phone call from Lucifer. Lucifer is often referred to as “the beast” in Judeo-Christian circles, and Lucifer in 19 pretended to be Cas to get Dean to let him in the bunker, and Lucifer has – within the course of Supernatural – always presented to people as their dead lovers to get them to do things for him.

Catherine: Yeah, to give him access to their– usually it's to them as a vessel. But in this case, it was to give access to the bunker. So it was– it was a playing on a theme, right?

Excerpt from Supernatural Season 5, Episode 1 “Sympathy for the Devil” plays: 

Lucifer (as Sarah): [...] Nick…. You're dreaming, Nick. But it doesn't mean this isn't real. 

Nick: Sarah?

Lucifer: I'm not your wife, Nick. I'm an angel. 

Nick: An angel?

Lucifer: My name is Lucifer. 


Lucifer: I'm here because you're special Nick. There's very, very few people like you.

Nick: Is that so? 

Lucifer: You're a vessel. A very powerful vessel. 


Lucifer: Don't be afraid. This is your choice. You need to invite me in. 


Lucifer: I can give you justice. Peace.

Nick: How do I know you're telling the truth? 

Lucifer: Because, contrary to popular belief, I don't lie. I don't need to. What I need… is you. Nick, I need you to say yes.

Nick: Then yes.

Excerpt from Supernatural Season 5, Episode 3 “Free to Be You and Me” plays: 

Lucifer (as Jessica): Sam. Sam… Hey, baby. I missed you.

Sam: Jessica. I’m dreaming.

Lucifer: Or you're not. What's the difference? I’m here. 

Sam: I miss you so much.

Lucifer: I know. I miss you, too.

*later in the same episode*

Lucifer (changing from Jessica into himself): That’s right. You know who I am.

Sam: Lucifer…

Excerpt from Supernatural Season 12, Episode 2 “Mamma Mia” plays: 

Lucifer (as Jen): Vince. Vince.

Vince: No. Jen.

Lucifer: Yes, Vince.

Vince: How? Why?

Lucifer: I needed to say I'm sorry. 


Vince: All I want is you.

Lucifer: And that can happen, Vince.

Vince: What can happen?

Lucifer: You and me, together.

Vince: Are you a ghost?

Lucifer: No. I’m an angel.

Vince: Those are real?

Lucifer: Real and very powerful, Vince. I can take away your pain. Bring you peace. You only have to do one easy thing.

Vince: What?

Lucifer: Will you invite me in?

Vince: Yes.

Catherine: But to me just even that moment was affirmation of Destiel in a roundabout way.

Chrisha: Absolutely. Well it was for Dean's feelings, you know?

Catherine: Exactly.

Excerpt from Supernatural Season 15, Episode 19 “Inherit the Earth” plays: 

*phone ringing*

Dean: What? *answers* Cas?

Lucifer (as Cas): Dean, I’m here. I’m… hurt. Can you let me in?

*Dean runs to the Bunker door to let him in*

Chrisha: And also the phrase “he was only just away” indicating that Lucifer was just away. That is language that Chuck consistently used through season 15 when he would fingersnap people. He would consistently say, Oh, they're not dead, they're just away. So again, very specific language.

Excerpt from Supernatural Season 15, Episode 4 “Atomic Monsters” plays: 

Becky: The kids…

Chuck: Oh, don't worry, they’re not dead. They’re just… away.

Catherine: And it just seems so, like, literal, right? 

Chrisha: Literal. 

Catherine: *listing things off* “You can hear the call”. We get the call from Cas. “Trouble’s on the way / who said the beast was gone?” Suddenly Lucifer is there. “He was only just away”. He was not in the Empty anymore, he's back on Earth. Um, so like… *pained noise* it’s so… okay. Okay, let's keep going.

Chrisha: Well, and then the next lines are “trying to find peace and always knowing / I was never really free”. 

Excerpt of “Watching Over Me” by Radio Company plays: “Tryin' to find the peace and always knowin' / I was never really free”

Chrisha: That’s Dean’s story arc in season 15–

Catherine: *emphatically* Yes, it friggin’ is!

Chrisha: –full stop. Like that's it summed up.

*exclamations of agreement from Catherine*

Chrisha: For sure. And what we find out in episode 17, like (season) 15 (episode) 17 is that the one person that had free will in all of this was Cas–

Excerpt from Supernatural Season 15, Episode 17 “Unity” plays: 

Chuck: You know what every other version of you did after "gripping him tight and raising him from Perdition?" They did what they were told. But not you. Not the "one off the line with a crack in his chassis." 

Chrisha: Cas is the wildcard. It's his interference that has brought it all tumbling down for Chuck, and so “trying to find peace and always knowing / I was never really free / you were watching over me”, to me is Dean recognizing his internal struggle with freedom and never really feeling free, but also this acknowledgement after the fact that Cas, who did have free will, was always watching over him.

Catherine: And Cas was the linchpin on why they got through so much stuff. It was Cas’ acts of free will. We were saying it this season, he changed everything. 

Chrisha: Yeah. 

Catherine: Over and over again.

Chrisha: Yeah, that “we're making it up as we go” line of Cas’ from season – what, five? Four? – really early on – I think five – and just how pivotal that was. And so, yeah, I feel like this verse recognizing the phone call and then recognizing that Cas has always been protecting him even from God himself. When– when Dean wasn't free, Cas was and Cas protected Dean. I just find (it) incredibly powerful and so romantic, I just can't stand it. Oh my god.

*Catherine groaning sympathetically in the background, laughs*

Catherine: *pained* “You asked me what was real”. “We are.” Yeah, I mean, I was going through and I– we keep getting the images of rats in a maze or hamsters on a wheel from– from Dean. And it gets to the end and he's so desperate to take out Chuck that he's inadvertently following the script. 

Chrisha: Yeah. 

Catherine: And that's the scene where we find out. I mean, according to Chuck, Cas was always broken, but broken is free. 

Chrisha: Mmhmm. It is.

Catherine: I just– Yeah. *whimpers* 

Chrisha: Yeah. It’s… Yep. Yeah, that whole verse is definitely–

Catherine: So on the nose!

Chrisha: –when I started– started hearing some, like, ringing in my ears, you know?

*both laugh*

Catherine: Oh my gosh. I just… I’m dead.

Chrisha: Yeah. Mmhmm.

Catherine: Okay. I also wanted to say when he was at his most despairing about his freedom, was when he was most isolated from Cas. So like after Cas leaves, that's when we have the whole how do we fight God speech from Dean and his voice breaks. You know, and that's when we have the I need my brother speech from Sam because Dean is so checked out at that stage. And so when he's at his lowest point is when he's least connected with Cas, you know, and when he's most questioning his freedom, it's when he's the least connected with Cas. The closer they are, the more sure he is of himself. It seems to be this, like, reciprocal thing that happens and there's that link with Cas’ free will, so I just find it– I find it fascinating. Okay, next– next part, which is sort of like a– I would say like a bridge?

Chrisha: Well, I think, you know, what you were just talking about there is where the song goes, at least from my perspective, because it says “with the will to look away / when I was falling down / crawling in the dirt”–

Excerpt of “Watching Over Me” by Radio Company plays: “With the will to look away / When I was falling down / Crawling in the dirt” 

Chrisha: –that to me brings up “The Rupture”, the breakup, because Cas had the will to look away. And that is important language when we're talking about Dean and Cas because they do so much communicating with their eyes and in that conversation, Cas said–

*Catherine gasps*

Excerpt from Supernatural Season 15, Episode 3 “The Rupture” plays: 

Cas: Now you can barely look at me.

Chrisha: That was such a powerful piece of that scene.

Catherine: And then Cas walks away and doesn't look on his way out the door. Ohhhhhh…

Chrisha: He had the will to look away.

Excerpt from Supernatural Season 15, Episode 3 “The Rupture” plays: 

Cas: I think it's time for me to move on.

Chrisha: When Dean was a mess, you know, Dean was “falling down / crawling in the dirt”, you know, so that is metaphorical. But then in Purgatory, it's literal. He isn't perhaps “crawling in the dirt” but he kneels down.

Catherine: *gobsmacked* Ohhh, but then he isn't looking away because then he heard his prayer. *brightening* It's interesting that you take it that way because I took it, like, a totally different way. I was taking it as, like, I don't see the dirt on you. When I'm looking at you– like I– I look past the dirt, I'm not– I'm looking away from the dirt, I'm looking at you kind of deal? And to me that resonated with you see yourself as daddy's blunt little instrument, you see yourself as– as full of anger and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I see this man full of love. So I took it in a totally different way and I kind of like yours better.

Chrisha: Well, you know, the other thing that it brought up for me, I don't know that it directly applies, but even just the idea of Dean crawling in the dirt brings up him crawling out of his grave after Cas brought him back. 

*Catherine gasps*

Catherine: Yesssss…


You know, so even that language brings up a very specific visual.

Catherine: It does…

Excerpt from Supernatural Season 4, Episode 1 “Lazarus Rising” plays: 

*sounds of Dean gasping awake in the coffin, lighter flicking on*

Dean: *hoarsely* Help! *coughing* Help!

*sounds of earth cascading down on him as he breaks through to the surface*

*Dean gasping desperately*

Catherine: And like that whole, like, because he was fallen, he was in hell, he was torturing people, and Cas– that's not– I mean, “Dean Winchester is saved”. 

Chrisha: Yeah.

Catherine: It wasn't Dean Winchester is a torturer, why the hell did you send me after him

*both laugh*

Chrisha: No.

Catherine: It was “Dean Winchester is saved”. Oh, I'm so emotional.

Chrisha: *sympathetically* I know. But I guess for me, so if I am reading this through the lens of the breakup: so “with the will to look away / when I was falling down / crawling in the dirt / is it fair enough to say / that I needed you through the crazy pain / of living here with all this hurt”–

Excerpt of “Watching Over Me” by Radio Company plays: “Is it fair enough to say / That I needed you through the crazy pain / Of livin' here with all this hurt”

Chrisha: –that, for me, brought up what you were talking about when Dean was at his lowest, when he and Cas were separated. And I can imagine that on retrospect, looking back after (episode) 18, after the confession that– that Dean might look back and be like, Wow, yeah, I really was a mess at that point, and I really needed you, you know, because I was just living with all of this pain and all of this hurt.

Catherine: *pained noises* I really like your take a lot. Even though it’s–

Chrisha: I'm hurtin’ myself!

Catherine: I know! It hurts so good, Chrisha! 

*both laughing*

Catherine: And then we get into the– then we get into the “and what I feel” part, please read those lyrics because oh my gosh…

Chrisha: *sighs* “–and what I feel / All I touch and how I steal / The fantasy was far too real / Oh, so I let it slip away”

Excerpt of “Watching Over Me” by Radio Company plays: “–and what I feel / All I touch and how I steal / The fantasy was far too real / Oh, I let it slip away”

Chrisha: Ouch. 

*muffled pained noises from Catherine*

Chrisha: All of that… just hurts. It's all just pain.

Catherine: I mean, going back to that scene with Cas’ love confession. Cas sees how he feels about himself. That moment that's invoked where it says daddy's blunt little instrument, way back in season– I think three, his doppelganger says to him, I know you look in the mirror and you hate what you see. And that's how Dean felt about himself. And he's talked about how, like, everything he touches goes bad. And he's, you know, he's seen himself as only a hustler. He's seen himself as somebody who only– he just steals, you know what I mean? So it's just– Ugh. UGH.

Chrisha: Well, I mean, he literally steals. Like that's why he went to Sonny's because he stole food for Sam. Yeah, he's described himself as poison. He's talked a lot about the things that he's had to steal, like he stole Christmas presents for Sam. He's stolen all kinds of things for Sam. And so for– for Cas to acknowledge all of that, you know, what Dean feels, everything he touches, how he parented Sam, how I steal–

Excerpt from Supernatural Season 15, Episode 18 “Despair” plays: 

Cas: Everything you have ever done [...] you have done for love. You raised your little brother for love. You fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are.

Chrisha: *pained* Yeah. That hurts. Because those are all very specific things that Cas brought up in that speech. He touched on all that stuff.

Catherine: Mmhmm. *barely getting words out through the squee, voice gone up an octave* I love the next two lines. “The fantasy was far too real.”

Chrisha: “So I let it slip away.” So, like, blaming himself because, hello, Dean Winchester.

Catherine: *near tears* But like, Chrisha, it means that he let himself dream–

Chrisha: *sadly* Yeah.

Cathiner: *emotional* –of Cas

Chrisha: *quietly* Yeah. “I always knew I could be a good dancer”–

Catherine: *muffled screaming* Oh, frick! Chrishaaa!

*Chrisha groans*

Catherine: Oh, no! *horrified realization dawning* Oh, nooo! Oh, no. Lamp… why lamp?!

Excerpt from Supernatural Season 15, Episode 10 “The Heroes’ Journey” plays: 

*Brief excerpt from Cole Porter’s song “Let’s Misbehave” plays with tap dancing sounds*


Dean (watching Garth and Bess dance): You know, I always thought I could be a good dancer if I wanted to be.

Catherine: *despairingly* Oh shoot… 

Chrisha: *grimly* Yep. Mmhmm. Just– just pain at this point.

*Catherine laughs wetly* 

Catherine: But yes. He danced with the lamp shade and it was silver and it was sturdy… 

Chrisha: *chuckling* And had a halo…

Catherine: And had a halo! And he tap danced. Shoot…

Chrisha: On top of the world.

*both sigh*

Catherine: The fantasy was far too real. Oh. Oh…

Chrisha: “So I let it slip away.” And you know that's how he felt, is that he let Cas slip away.

Catherine: Oh shoot.

Chrisha: Because that's how he always feels.

Catherine: Oh shoot, self-blame.

Chrisha: Yep. That's kind of his– his automatic go-to.

Catherine: But I mean, Cas is like I know that I can't have– I can never have what I want– I'm not even getting that line right, but like, he did– what… *whimpering* I’m, like, not even overreacting here. It’s just–

Chrisha: A lot? It’s a lot.

Catherine: OW. *composes herself* Ok, breathe.

Chrisha: Okay. And so the song ends with going back and saying and re-echoing “didn't hear the strength within your words / and what they mean / you were watching over me”, which you and I felt is, again, Dean going back over their entire relationship and seeing it from a different perspective. And just seeing everything completely differently. So the fact that that is echoed again at the end… *sighs grimly*

Catherine: Uh-huh. *laughing* Why did we do this to ourselves?

Chrisha: *helplessly* I don’t know! Started out as squee and now we're in pain which is basically being a Supernatural fan. Dammit. We hurt ourselves.

Catherine: Whyyyyyy???

*both laughing in despair*

Chrisha: But, like, this song, this freakin’ song. This is why I'm like, it wouldn't matter if Jensen sang it. Or if it was, you know, just some random band on the street. This is a DeanCas song.

Catherine: It really, really, really, really, really, really is. You know, like, I know that authorial intent is, like, we can't know it. And unless Jensen comes out and says it, and even if he does, you know, come out and say some sort of, like, meaning for the song, like, things can be interpreted how they're going to be interpreted. But for me, when we were talking about this, I was brought back to that moment at a convention where Jensen talked about how even when the show's over, like Dean Winchester was going to be right here. And he, like, tapped his hand over his heart?

Chrisha: Yeah. 

Catherine: And I think for me, that's where– where this came down to, because I know that meant a lot to a lot of people but it's an easy thing to say, right? I mean, like, you can hold a character in your heart that you've played and– and not understand all of the ways that he resonated with people, right? 

Chrisha: Yeah. 

Catherine: And so I was like, Well, that's nice, but his version of Dean could be straight

Chrisha: Yeah. 

Catherine: And after listening to the song I got really emotional because for the first time, I felt like he really does have my Dean. *her voice trembles with emotion* Frick, I’m going to cry. Like I just teared up. I didn't mean to do this. Um. And so like, I don't know what's in his heart. But to me, it was the first time it felt like, okay, he's got him, he's– he's got the Dean that I love. And that's the power of music. That's the power of art. And in the end, it doesn't really matter, I don't think, what version of Dean Jensen holds on to, but– because his art helped me to feel seen and heard and understood in a way that I hadn't before and helped me to feel like – or to imagine – that he sat down and thought about what Dean wanted to say. It's brought me healing that I’ve really needed.

Chrisha: Yeah, it's a powerful thing. It's why so many people can watch a show like Supernatural and get so many different things from it. But all of those things, even if they're contradictory, even if what I get is something completely opposite to what somebody else gets, at the end of the day, if we're both getting healing from it, that's the power of fiction. That's the power of art and it's a beautiful thing. Yeah, no, we have no idea what Jensen was thinking when he wrote this, but it speaks to us in a way that is lovely, and beautiful, and painful but in the best way. And brings squee and excitement and just– I will always get warm fuzzies listening to this song. It'll be on the Destiel playlist, that's– that's where it'll be. And that makes me very happy. So…

Catherine: Me, too. And I think that's where, I mean, I think it's just squee in that we can see connections, and you and I just get excited about connections.

Chrisha: We do. If you haven't– like if you're just tuning in, that's, um, sort of foundational around here for us, yeah. *chuckles* 

Catherine: It is. I think, also, we never got to hear Dean's thoughts, and so in my mind, in my imagination, doing a textual analysis of this art I now have Dean's response. This is a beautiful gift from Jensen to the fandom. And if people interpret in different ways, that's beautiful. That's fine. I mean, I feel like all of his music is a gift to the fandom.

Chrisha: It really is, though.

Catherine: Yeah. But this in particular, in my mind, in the way that I see it is– is a response in a way that perhaps could have been the only way that he could have responded. And… and I'm just really grateful for it. *ruefully* And, um, apparently, there was a lot more emotion there than I even realized, that I process through talking.

Chrisha: Yeah, it's kind of strange for me, because I'm not– I always wanted to be that cool person that was, like, super into music and super into all music because, like, all the people that I think are cool are totally like that. But I'm not. I'm, like, super picky and there's just very little– I’m that– I’m that, like, old person that has their music and then that's it. And it's, like, I rarely add anything to. So, you know, when I went to my first Supernatural con, I'm like, oh, Louden Swain is going to be here and everybody loves them, and I'm sure that's wonderful for everybody but, like, ugh. And I actually, like, fell in love with their music and thought it was amazing, which was absolutely shocking to me. I was not expecting that at all since I'm such an old fogey. But, you know, Jensen's music, Jensen and Steve has really, I mean, “Watching Over Me” is amazing from a– from a DeanCas perspective, but some of their other songs have been really, really meaningful to me personally. You know, “Quarter To” and “Let It Be” [correct title is “Let Me Be”] I feel like have themes of insecurity and putting your voice out there even when you're second guessing yourself and– and the work that goes into that, which just speaks to me just really foundationally, and so I think that their music is just really powerful. Like it just– they're just really good at this. It just really touches some– at least for me, some just really deep emotional places that, it's not just Destiel, it's– it's lots of things. So yeah. They're really good at this whole music thing. I hope they keep doing it for a very long time because it's– it's really incredible. *sighs contentedly*

Catherine: Same. Same. So, um, what would we call this: catharsis? I don't even know.

Chrisha: Sure! Um, well, I mean there was squee, and there was tears, and there was some, like, ranting in the middle so I don't know, like, it's just Tuesday for us really.

*both laugh*

Chrisha: We can go with catharsis, yeah.

Final excerpt of “Watching Over Me” by Radio Company plays: “Didn't hear the strength within your words / And what they mean / You were watchin' over me”

Catherine: So that's it from us for now. You can stay up to date with the latest on our Twitter and Instagram pages which are @TheFangirlBiz, that's B-I-Zee or B-I-Zed. We hope that you enjoyed this little bit of new content before we go on official hiatus. And we will be back. Until then, carry on wayward friends. We love you. Bye.

Chrisha: Bye.

Outro Instrumental Rock Music: “Watching Over Me” by Radio Company


Chrisha: Um, I feel like you're– you and I are– 

Catherine: Here come the sirens… Sorry. 

Chrisha: Oh sure, you know. *faint sounds of sirens in the background* Well, I can’t hear them if that helps. 

Catherine: Oh, ok. 

Chrisha: Oh, no, there they are.

Catherine: It, like, takes a minute for them to really rev up..

Chrisha: We've been recording for 6 minutes. Like how would they– It's unbelievable… The specificity of time.

Catherine: I know, right? Okay, I think we're good to go again.

Outro Instrumental Rock Music: “Play the Game” by VooDoo Blooze