Ep 174 Uncertainty is scary, here's how to help kids through it!

In this solo episode, I share one of our family's favorite mindfulness tools: The Green Zone. This simple tool can be used at home, at school, for homework, and during new experiences. Anytime our kids are uncomfortable, understanding the green zone can can help. In this quick show I share a story about my daughter's soccer team and how the green zone helped us through a moment of change and uncertainty.

The green zone is a research-based concept from the work of Dr. Dan Siegel. To learn more about the green zone, check out the book, The Yes Brain.

Lindsay Miller is a distinguished kids mindfulness coach, mindfulness educator and  host of The Stress Nanny Podcast. She is known for her suitcase tricks  and playful laugh. When she's not cheering on her daughter or rollerblading on local trails with her husband, you can find her using  her 20+ years of child development study and mindfulness certification to dream up new ways to get kids excited about deep breathing. Having been featured on numerous podcasts, platforms and publications, Lindsay’s words of wisdom are high impact and leave a lasting impression wherever she goes. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:21

Welcome to the Stress Nanny podcast. I'm your host, Lindsay Miller, and I'm delighted that you're here today. Sometimes on the podcast, I interview experts, and sometimes I share tools. Today is going to be a day where I tell a story and share tools. So my daughter's soccer team is experiencing a bit of change right now. And every time it's tryout season, we're used to that feeling. There's the uncertainty of who's going to try out for other teams, who's going to stay with the team. There's the uncertainty of who's going to show up and how like the actual tryout will go. But this past year, all of her team decided to stay, and there was no upheaval at all. Everybody decided to stay. We're all really content. We love the team. We love the families, the environment. It's all been just a really great experience for our kids. And there are obviously challenges and moments when there are things that, you know, we need to talk to or communicate about. But for the most part, it's an experience that we all value. And so we choose it, you know, again and again. So this is the first year that she's ever uh had the exact same team, like for a second year. And so it was unique, and we were all thinking it was so great, you know, that everybody would still be there. Because as you know, when you sit on the sidelines with folks, you love it and you get to know them, and you just you really can uh really appreciate and love the the families that you get to be around with different activities for kids, right? So, anyway, due to a variety of circumstances, our team is experiencing a change in clubs. So it turns out our team is gonna shift as a unit to a different club. But inherent with this is some uncertainty, both with this season and with what will happen next year at tryouts. This other club has several teams that play at the Premier One level. And so there's potential for like guest playing and opportunities to play, you know, in higher level competitions. And so there's a chance our girls could be selected for higher level teams or, you know, invited to play in different activities. So that is bringing some uncertainty. And like again, next year when they try out, there could be just some shuffling that's going on, which for a group that has chosen to stick together feels a little uncomfortable. But along with this, there are also some really great opportunities for the girls in terms of growth and in terms of, you know, continuing the work they've been doing with our current coach. And so it seems like a great fit in a lot of ways, except for the uncertainty. So after a team meeting where we discussed, you know, the opportunities, kind of the pathway forward, you know, we were all able to talk about our questions and kind of get get some idea on what it would look like. Um, we, you know, wrapped up the meeting and then at home had a different conversation about like what my daughter thought, you know, kind of her reaction and her take. And so she expressed her enthusiasm for the opportunities for higher levels of play, you know, more competitive environments. She was really excited about that part. But as we were talking about the potential for tryouts and the potential for kind of a shakeup on her team in the future, she was feeling uncertainty. She was feeling like just not sure what to expect and some hesitation and nervousness about change in general, just because this has been a great experience for her. And so we had a conversation about the green zone. That's something I've mentioned on the podcast before, but I'm gonna review it today in the context of this conversation because I think this story is a good illustration of how the green zone works and what kind of potential it has for helping kids in moments of uncertainty. So the green zone is the place where you have the comfort level and ability to tolerate the emotions that you're feeling. So you have the tools that you need, you have the resilience that you need to manage whatever feelings are coming up. Ideally, as we grow up, you know, kids they widen their green zone. So the green zone gets wider and wider as they grow and are able to tolerate different emotions, different experiences, and really access a level of resilience that's important for emotionally intelligent adults to possess. So the way that they do that though is by noticing when they're out of their green zone. And they do that by defining the moment, right? So on either side of the green zone, there's a blue zone on one side and a red zone on the other side. The blue zone is where we shut down and we kind of just get quiet and go inward. Uh, we disengage, we uh don't feel a drive or desire to work through it, and we just kind of stall out. And that's the blue zone. And in the red zone, we get really frustrated, we get angry, we might lash out, say some mean things, we might have nervousness that is like turning into fidgeting or just an inability to kind of manage what's being felt. So it could be crying, overwhelm. Um, a lot of times the red zone is very visual. You see it, you know someone's in the red zone based on their demeanor and their words. The blue zone can be a little tricky because it's usually more quiet. And so you have to discern is this person just kind of like taking a minute to process, or is this actually like a moment when they've shut down? And you can ask questions to kids like, are you, you know, like, are you with me? Are you still are you able to manage this? Are you can you articulate or verbalize? Can you talk through what you're experiencing right now? And when um they can do that, that helps us determine if they're in their green zone or not. If they're not even able to identify emotion, a lot of times that means they're in their blue zone. So we all have moments where it's the green zone, the blue zone, the red zone. We all go through those different moments, but as we focus on expanding our green zone, we're in a position where more and more of our moments are um comfortable. You know, like we can manage different things that come up and our tolerance for discomfort increases. Now I want to say a little caveat here because if there's a moment where someone is treating you unkindly, or there's a moment when, yeah, you're you're being hurt in some way, that is not a moment to expand your green zone. That is a moment to ask for help. So we don't just like say, I'm gonna figure out how to work with this. We say this isn't right, I'm asking for help. So in those moments, our anger is telling us something and giving us a message and we need to listen. But if it's an everyday moment like this, then we start to notice. So I'm just gonna tell you the conversation that we had at our house after the meeting, now that I've explained the green zone. So we were talking about whether or not this was a green zone moment. So my exact phrasing was, do you think this is a green zone moment? Because this is a tool we've used before and we reference pretty frequently. Um, and my daughter was like, Well, maybe. And I was like, Well, in these types of situations, historically, how have you managed? Like when you've been in a situation where there's uncertainty, what have you generally experienced? And she thought about it for a minute. She's like, I usually am okay after a little bit. Yeah, that's usually how it goes. So knowing that, like, how can we approach this moment? And she was like, Well, I feel like I am gonna be a it's gonna be a little uncomfortable at first, like it's gonna be a little scary, and I'm gonna be a little nervous, and then I'm gonna figure it out. And I agreed because that's often the pattern. And that's that's what how we want it to go with the green zone, right? Like we want kids to find the green zone expanding and and to just know they can always access tools to help them do that. So that was my next question to her was do you feel like you have the tools you need to expand your green zone to tolerate this moment, like this uncertainty about your team right now? Do you have what you need to sit in that discomfort or do you need other tools? And um, she thought about it and she felt like she had what she needed in order to stay connected to her team, um, in order to really like value and invest in the relationship she has with her team, to feel that sense of solidity and connection with them, and then to um work hard to make you know the the potential opportunities a reality. Um, and then one of the things we can say if someone is not in their green zone, so if it's very clear that in this moment um the green zone is has not expanded to include the situation that we're in, then we say something like, What would it look like if you could comp comfortably manage this moment? Like, how do you want to feel in this moment? And usually if they're feeling nervous, they want to feel confident, or if they're feeling sad, they'd like to feel at the very least, like neutral or you know, pleasant or happy. And so one of the questions you can follow up with is what do you need in order to access that emotion this moment? Like if you're feeling nervous, what do you need in order to feel confident? If you're feeling uncertain, what do you need to feel a little bit more steady? And a lot of times when kids are first practicing this, they don't know. And that's normal for kids or adults. If they haven't done the work of self-awareness, they're not going to know what they need. But conversations like these are an invitation to create awareness and to build an understanding of what tools are supportive in uncomfortable moments. So as we as we figure out what tools help us tolerate uncertainty, we can then use those tools in other moments of uncertainty. So because my daughter has had a number of moments where she's been working to tolerate uncertainty and make that experience in her green zone, she had some ideas, right, on how she could manage. Um, for her, a lot of it has to do with focus. So she was saying she wanted to focus on the opportunities and focus on how she could work hard and improve. This is also something that um is a great tool in most situations, is the idea of identifying what's in our control and what's not in our control. So, what is in her control is how hard she works and her attitude. What's not in her control is other people's actions and some of the circumstances of the broader situation. So she could spend a lot of energy spinning her wheels in what's not in her control. But she's gonna be much more efficient and effective with her energy if she zeroes in on what is in her control. And so in this moment, she did spend a little bit of time like thinking through the circumstance to kind of process it, but she didn't dwell there. Like she didn't get hung up there, and she really beautifully moved through um the the what wasn't in her control to the part that was in her control. And so I loved seeing that as her parent. Um, because one of the things that we recognize when we've been in this green zone expansion moment enough is that often that discomfort is signaling significant growth. Um, one of the phrases that someone used that I loved uh to describe this is the amount of resistance you feel is directly proportionate to the amount of power you stand to gain on the other side. I'm gonna say that again. The amount of resistance you feel towards something is directly proportionate to the amount of power you have to gain on the other side. So for her, her nervousness was a signal that this was a cool opportunity and there was a lot of potential behind it. And so when we can take nervousness as a signal that opportunity is around the corner, we treat it differently than if we take nervousness as a sign that something's wrong with us or we don't know what we're doing or we can't do it. Um and so I loved that uh she could see what she stood to gain in the situation. Like if she were to tolerate the discomfort, what would be the potential opportunity for her? What would be the growth she could access? And in that way, she was able to again shift her focus into a space where she wanted to do the work of tolerating discomfort because it was worth it, right? It it meant that there would be something for her, either in personal growth, in personal opportunity, opportunities for her team, you know, that would come from her efforts. And so as we talked it through, I loved the way that she was able to move through kind of her thoughts and then curate a focus that was supportive. Um, if if you have not used this tool before, there may be, you know, some time when you're having to talk through that in a little more specificity. So you'd say something like, you know, do you want to widen your grain zone in this moment? Is this a moment where you want to tolerate discomfort? Is it worth it to you? What would you stand to gain? Like what would be the benefits if you were to sit in this discomfort for a little bit before it turned into something else? And again, sometimes it takes kids a minute to sift through that and figure out what would be the benefits. Sometimes it takes days. So maybe a conversation that you have once and then you circle back a couple days later and say, like, did you think any more about that? Can you think of any benefits of widening your green zone? Um, this conversation obviously applies to sports, but it also applies to schoolwork. It applies to really any endeavor where kids are trying to stretch and grow because it's so natural for the nervous system and the brain to prefer homeostasis. Like we naturally prefer what we know because it's more efficient that way, right? Like our brain doesn't have to expend energy solving new problems or sorting things out. Our nervous system doesn't have to go on alert in new situations. So, from an if uh uh an efficiency standpoint, our brain and body prefer things to stay the same. But when we're invited to moments of change, this green zone tool can be a way to help us both acknowledge and honor the experience that we're having while also creating a productive path forward in terms of managing our emotions such that we can access the growth that we have the potential to achieve by tolerating those tricky emotions. So I would love to hear if you use the green zone and how it goes. Again, this is a tool in our family that we just have as part of like our family dialogue. So now that that tool is something we practice and know, simple questions like is this a green zone moment go pretty far. And I don't have to lecture, I don't have to be um explaining it. I can just ask a simple question and then she can apply it, which for kids is often it's just a lot easier to use a tool that you can just make a quick reference to that has, you know, significant ramifications. And then if, you know, kids say, like, no, this isn't my green zone, or I'm way out of my green zone, like, yeah, that's so normal. It makes sense. You'd be out of your green zone. This is a really tricky situation. There's a lot of discomfort here. What can we do to support you as you expand your green zone in this moment? What do you need? What support can we access that would help you expand your green zone? So again, quick conversations, quick questions that allow kids to, you know, develop the self-awareness they need, but also to access a tool they can use for their whole lives when it comes to trying new things. Thanks again for tuning in. I appreciate you being here. If you liked the show and you're not already subscribed to the podcast, please feel free to follow along and share this one with a friend. I always appreciate reviews, also. So thank you to those of you leaving reviews. It means a lot. I will see you next week with another episode. And until then, take care of the microphone.