Christmas Special, Part 2: Nichi & Snori [crime, fantasy]

The second half of the story of elven detectives Nichi & Snori Jingle-Jarr has arrived! But first, Clarence discusses his book, No Honor Among Thieves, and the planned sequel, while Shaun gives some updates on where to find his latest rap album, Verse 30: Long Story Short. See links below! And our Writers discuss the wonderful narration and sounds of Previously Delicious!

Become a subscriber today @ the official 8Sparks Patreon!
https://www.patreon.com/8SparksMedia

https://www.clarencecarterauthor.com/

Check out streamer and audiobook narrator Previously Delicious on his YouTube channel @:
https://www.youtube.com/user/HumorlessComedy

Purchase No Honor Among Thieves and Latchkey Kids by Clarence Carter on Amazon @:
https://www.amazon.com/Honor-Among-Thieves-Clarence-Carter/dp/1671794001/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1H99AELX8027A&keywords=clarence+carter+no+honor+among+thieves&qid=1579300035&sprefix=Clarence+Carter+No+Honor+Among%2Caps%2C322&sr=8-1

Find all Critic the Rapper albums on his Linktree page @
https://linktr.ee/critictherapper

Transcript

christmas-special-part-2-nichi-snori-crime-fantasy

 U1 

 0:00 

 3s It was a podcast. 3s It is the coolest podcast. 4s He called it the writer's block. 5s There was a podcast. 3s Some might say. 2s Podcast time. 2s Spark. 2s Okay. And we are back. Yeah, with the Writer's Block podcast. Officially, that's the full name now. And now I feel like I'm spiking. We just spent like five minutes. Just five minutes. We do five minutes prep. Yeah, but clearly it's not paying off. Oh, now I'm way too low. I don't know what's going on over here. Anyway. Season two. We still haven't gotten our shit together. Um, this is also the halfway point, sort of between the other episode. We're a little confusing here, but, um, we're doing like a New Year slash Christmas wrap up for Nikki. You already know that if you're tuning in, you're already a fan, blah, blah, blah, but, uh, a lot of stuff has happened, and there I go, spiking again. I'll let you take over because I'm 1s fucking shit up here. 

 U2 

 1:17 

 Uh, okay. Um, we'll we'll talk about some of the stuff that's happened because we haven't seen each other in three weeks. Or so. Maybe about that. 

 U1 

 1:27 

 No, it's been longer because we recorded the Christmas episode 

 U2 

 1:30 

 around Thanksgiving. Yeah. And you 

 U1 

 1:31 

 haven't you haven't been here since. 

 U2 

 1:33 

 Okay. So a little longer. We keep in touch. Yeah, but we have a long ongoing monologue that's been going on for, like, six months straight now or something. And actually, as of today, we have been friends for two years on Facebook. That's that's true. 

 U1 

 1:48 

 So. Yeah. 

 U2 

 1:50 

 Um, celebrating that. Yeah. We're we're celebrating over here. We're whooping it up. Uh, so your album came out boom. 

 U1 

 1:59 

 Yes. So verse 30, the album that I was going on about every episode last season or a couple anyway, is now finally available on Bandcamp. You can go to Critic the Rapper Bandcamp. Com and my older albums have been revised in that I had to remove a couple of tracks that have not aged very well. Um, but it was luckily only like two. But you you can now find my previous three albums, including verse 30 Long Story Short on Bandcamp. Uh, it's uploaded on the Critic Facebook page as a full album. Um, uh, there's got to be a word for that. It's like a they you put the full album up and you can just hit the video and and play it all the way through. Yeah, 

 U2 

 2:45 

 that's that's what I did. Which 

 U1 

 2:46 

 is what I've been doing with, uh, eight Spark Stories series. And if you've been following the Writer's Block page, we now have video versions of the abridged stories, minus the 

 U2 

 2:56 

 conversations. How are they doing? 

 U1 

 2:58 

 Um, not great, but I wanted to have them there for the people who are following. Because I know that, uh, we know you exist. Some of you writers, blockbusters, fans, um, and and we, we enjoy the conversations, but maybe some people want to just, like, revisit and jump back into the stories. Um, and this has allowed me to do the cinemagraph thing, which no one seems to know what that word is, but it's basically a looping. It's a GIF, basically. 

 U2 

 3:26 

 Um, it's a picture that moves. Yeah, an animated looping picture that seems like it's just infinitely there. So I took all of Keith Talbot's artwork from season one, and I tried to do using the Pixel Loop app, and I tried to give it a little pizazz while you're listening to the story. And so, uh, by the time this airs, the Nietzsche episode, Nietzsche and, um, Snorri jingle Da episodes will be up as well. And hopefully we'll be launched into season two, which we have some plans for. Obviously it's improvised, so we we haven't thought too far ahead, but we are pretty excited. So yeah. Album also available on YouTube on The Critic, The Rapper page and Cinemagraph eight Spark Stories. Uh, which is the. The sister podcast because you're going to have a story dramatized there, and you're also going to be doing some voices there, as well as shout out to Jean Paul Wood of Previously Delicious. How do you know him? 

 U1 

 4:26 

 Um, so I met him through a YouTube group page when I was doing VR adventures. Um, I actually he might be. Maybe not, but I thought he was the admin of that page. Oh, okay. So we became friends, and then he does pretty funny voices. Yeah. Um, and he just started a YouTube. He normally he does game streaming, but he just started a YouTube series where he's going to be playing older games mixed with, like, funny dialogue. Um, and he's just going to be it's kind of like, almost like a history lesson in retro gaming, which I really, I think is really cool. Instead of just like Fortnite and all the newer games that all, all the kids are 

 U2 

 5:06 

 playing these kids these 

 U1 

 5:08 

 days, although I'm sure he'll play that too. Um, but yeah, you can check out Previously Delicious on YouTube and he's actually, as of tonight, episode two of eight Spark Stories on the facebook.com slash eight sparks media page. Um will have aired with the Cinemagraph stuff. It's called Attic Addict, not the attic. And, um, it the first story was Red giant. And you've read that one? Yeah. Um, and they're not connected, but they do have subtle references for specifically to the, the seed device, which you will see if you go and listen after you listen to this podcast anyway, blah blah, blah. Bigger news. Your book is finally out. 

 U2 

 5:52 

 Yes, finally. All right. After all this, talk about it. Tell us about 

 U1 

 5:56 

 it. Tell us about the sequels. Tell us everything. Everybody drop your links. Do what you got to do, and I'll just sit back and, 

 U2 

 6:02 

 um. Okay, so the book, as you. If you've come this far, you already know it's called No Honor Among Thieves. It was never intended to be a long novel, although I did want it to be longer than it was. But I couldn't afford to edit a longer novel. So it. It's only like 127 pages or something like that. Like that. And I intend that the other two in the series will be about the same length. Yeah. I don't want to go super long because it wouldn't make any sense now to do one short one and then one bigger one, and then the it wouldn't make any sense. I 

 U1 

 6:35 

 mean, that's what um, JK Rowling did with Harry Potter. 

 U2 

 6:38 

 Yeah, they did seem to get a little stretched at the end, didn't they? Yeah. 

 U1 

 6:41 

 Um, well, she I guess when you describe it like that, I guess it's probably because she was making more money and she just could afford to. 

 U2 

 6:50 

 Right. Well, I don't know, because she had a publishing deal so she didn't have to pay for an editor where I'm where I'm self-published. I have to pay for the editors time. And believe me when I tell you it is not cheap. 

 U1 

 7:01 

 So. So that was that. A majority of the editing process was cutting out stuff so that you could afford it or. 

 U2 

 7:08 

 No, um, I did away with the last part. I think you remember that there was a, uh, an epilogue that I got rid of entirely. I cut really? Yeah. I cut the whole epilogue 

 U1 

 7:20 

 out. Okay. So it's a good thing I haven't reviewed the book yet, because I would have done it based on that. 

 U2 

 7:25 

 I had to cut the entire epilogue out, and I did trim some of it, but that's. 

 U1 

 7:33 

 That means that you cut out, um, a majority of of the character. The detective character. Right. She's in the story, right? Yes. But she really starts to come into her own in the 

 U2 

 7:44 

 epilogue. In the epilogue, in the 

 U1 

 7:46 

 epilogue, in book two. Now, 

 U2 

 7:47 

 the epilogue does not exist at all. So essentially you'll go from her being mentioned once or twice from Fred O'Donnell, one of the side characters, to her having her own book. But I hope to like build up to it in the prologue or something, because Fred and her are friends, and it mentions that in the first book. Yeah, he says he has a oh yeah, yeah, 

 U1 

 8:09 

 a cop friend. I feel like that's a pretty crucial plot point. 

 U2 

 8:13 

 Yes. So she is the entirety of the second book. It's all from her point of view, and it's has very little to do with the first book. So the first book is about Jack Thompson, the bank robber, and his team, Fredo Donnelly and MC Iverson. Um. And I don't want to talk too much about it because you guys need to go and buy it, of course. But, um, so the second book, where 

 U1 

 8:37 

 where can we buy this or are you getting to 

 U2 

 8:39 

 that? Uh, Amazon.com. You can buy it. Uh, no honor among thieves. You gotta look 

 U1 

 8:43 

 up Clarence Carter and no honor among thieves. When I look up. No, no honor among thieves. There are a couple other books that pop 

 U2 

 8:49 

 up. Uh, if you just look up No Honor Among Thieves, I think I'm number three. Number two or number three, I can't remember. And 

 U1 

 8:55 

 then you also still have latchkey kids up there, which I have started reading. 

 U2 

 8:58 

 Oh, cool. Yeah. Um, it's somebody, a friend of mine just read that and in its entirety recently 

 U1 

 9:05 

 as well. I think I saw that when I was snooping on your author page, someone said, well, you were like, hey, no honor, go buy it. And someone was like, I started reading Latchkey Kids. Yeah, but I assume it's because they read No Honor and then went back to latchkey 

 U2 

 9:20 

 kids. Yeah, yeah, I think that's the the 

 U1 

 9:22 

 plan. Basically what I did, um, but which is we mentioned this in one of the, uh, in the first season, I said, you know, you keep pumping these stories out, eventually something's going to click with somebody, and those people are going to want to go back and revisit your catalog because they're going to have a different perspective on it. 

 U2 

 9:40 

 Yeah. So but, uh, I got rid of a bunch of the old stuff from Amazon because it was very rough, because it was 

 U1 

 9:47 

 very those are still on Wattpad though, right? A lot of them are pets. Yeah. Um, where were we? I got I got way sidetracked. Oh, the sequel, um, the sequel will be called Siren Song. I have three drafts of it already written. That's the chinelo. 

 U2 

 10:04 

 It's on Chinelo. Uh, a rough draft of it is on on Chinelo right now. You can pay a membership fee of like $5 or something, and you can read the entire thing. How does that 

 U1 

 10:13 

 work for payment, by the way? What do you mean for you? 

 U2 

 10:16 

 I, I don't know what you're. Do you 

 U1 

 10:18 

 get paid as 

 U2 

 10:19 

 well? Yes. Uh, you get paid for however many reads or followers you 

 U1 

 10:24 

 get. Okay. 

 U2 

 10:26 

 And I think, uh, I broke Siren Song down into like 12 different segments or something like that. Okay. Because I think that one's done in chapters as opposed to No honor, which was done in parts. Yeah. 

 U1 

 10:39 

 So you serialised it? Yes. In the we'll get to it. But the story that we're working on together in the same way. 

 U2 

 10:47 

 Yes. Um, so I had like, I don't know, five followers or something on Canelo and it carried through for four months, I'll say. And I ended up making like 15 bucks, not a lot of money, but and I haven't collected it yet. It's still just sitting there 

 U1 

 11:06 

 sitting in your. How does that work? Is it 

 U2 

 11:09 

 like I would have to send them, uh, like an email and say, hey, I'm ready to collect my money or click a button or something, and then they'll send me this form and I fill it out for tax purposes, I guess, and then I'll collect it and they'll just wire 

 U1 

 11:22 

 it up so there's no way to connect it to your PayPal. 

 U2 

 11:24 

 Uh, there might be. I haven't dug that much into it. That's 

 U1 

 11:27 

 the easiest way that in my experience, that that's like how I pay everybody. Yeah, 

 U2 

 11:32 

 there probably is. I just haven't done it. I just looked at the account and it was like, oh, there's $15 and whatever, $0.36 or something stupid there. And I just haven't collected. You could 

 U1 

 11:41 

 continue to not collect it and just have like a writer, a savings account. And just for the earlier parts of your career, really just start to see in perspective how much you're making. And I expect that to go up because you're still pumping out books and so and you're still passionate about it. And so 

 U2 

 11:58 

 yeah, that's what matters. I'm still cranking. Um. 

 U1 

 12:02 

 Okay. I don't want to give away too much of the second book, but I do want to talk about it. I wanted to talk about it for a long time. Um, in the second book, 1s the detective, Maxine Snyder, she lives in the same town. It all happens in the same universe. They all exist in the same time frame. She is friends with Fred, and she knows that he's doing something shady. But to what extent? She's really not sure. Mhm. 

 U2 

 12:30 

 She has her own set of problems. And one of the things that is happening is she has a stalker. There's a guy who falls in love with her. I'm not going to really say how, but he falls in love with her and his motive to get her to come out of her house, to come out of work, to whatever is setting fires. He sets fires, and he knows that she's going to respond to them because it's her case. It's her. All these arsons are her case. So every time he sets a fire, she shows up and it's like a 

 U1 

 12:57 

 reward. This sounds good. 

 U2 

 12:59 

 And it gets really fucking dark. I like that really fast. That, actually Siren Song is a good title for just what you described. Ooh, 

 U1 

 13:08 

 that sounds good. So 

 U2 

 13:10 

 in one of the rewrites I'm going to have to do soon, I'm going to add a little bit more of that connection between her and Fred, because I want it to build up to the third, because it's so poignant to the third book. Yeah, in the third book, something happens, something bad happens to one of the major characters from the first book. And I don't want to spoil too much of it, but huh, one of our main characters is going to need help from this detective. So did 

 U1 

 13:38 

 you have the third book in mind, the entire series 

 U2 

 13:42 

 or. No, I didn't think of the third book until two weeks ago 

 U1 

 13:46 

 because I always think of like trilogies in terms of fantasy, because I have my Black Candle book, the first story of which is in On evenings with Jeff from Israel. Um, the battle once more. I have the end figured out for a three book trilogy. The only reason I chose three is because of the Lord of the is because of the Lord of the rings trilogy. Right? Um. 1s So it's interesting to me that you you're progressing through these crime fiction novels and you don't have it planned out. Well, you do now, but you didn't initially know. And what people don't understand about me as a writer is everybody thinks that I write really fast, and maybe I do, but a lot of the stuff that you're you're coming across right now, I've been sitting on for a long time. Yeah. Like, for instance, a little closer, uh, 

 U2 

 14:34 

 Siren Song was actually finished before No Honor was. 

 U1 

 14:39 

 I remember you mentioning that 

 U2 

 14:41 

 Siren Song was up and available. Well, the three drafts of it, I have to go Over It again was up and available on cello like four months before I finished No Honor. And I still have to go in and and fix some parts because I have to build up tension to book three, which I had never intended. Originally, I wasn't going to make them a series, I was just going to do one book and then another book of a character in the same world. Yeah. And then as I stood on the first book and I thought about it and I was like, well, I can bring this all back. I can bring this all back full circle. So why not just do them all together 

 U1 

 15:13 

 so real quick? I just wanted to mention our sponsors today. Um, Sinaran, we're from Serums United. Yeah, they're offering Zenon sleeping pills. If you're having a hard time getting to bed at night. Um, yeah. Pick those up at your nearest pharmacy and or online, whatever. You can order them online or through your through your seed devices. 

 U2 

 15:38 

 Oh, yeah. So I'm excited about this. The next book is coming fast. 

 U1 

 15:44 

 Um, February. 

 U2 

 15:46 

 Yeah. February release. Um. I'm so thankful for Lou Berger. He's my editor. The guy is a fucking badass. I read his book. His book, Lou lit. I think it's called. I think it's pronounced Lou. 

 U1 

 15:58 

 Yeah. I wasn't sure how to pronounce it myself. 

 U2 

 16:01 

 Yeah, I read it and I was like, I don't know. But anyway, great book. And he's 

 U1 

 16:06 

 a great editor. Also on Amazon, right? 

 U2 

 16:07 

 Yeah. You can buy that on Amazon. Lou Bridgers fucking 

 U1 

 16:10 

 fantastic. Bridgers edit. Um, 2s Stevenson's Stephen Stevenson's Salvage title book because I don't know. Casey was talking about 

 U2 

 16:19 

 Lou. I think it's they all know each other, so probably. Oh, and while we're talking about your stories, did you want to mention, uh, the hand? Oh, yeah. Sure. 

 U1 

 16:30 

 Is this the official announcement? 

 U2 

 16:32 

 I've got no secrets. But before we do the hand, um, shadows and keyholes. It'll be February. I don't know the exact day I'm shooting for mid. 

 U1 

 16:43 

 So you're dropping the anthology of short stories, which is what that is. Yeah. Um, in the same month as the book, the sequel to No Honor. No, no, no, I don't expect a sequel to be done for another. Oh, 

 U2 

 16:57 

 I thought the 6 to 8 February. 

 U1 

 16:58 

 I'm getting all my facts mixed up. 

 U2 

 17:00 

 No, I don't expect Siren Song to be done for a while. 

 U1 

 17:03 

 My one job as a podcaster is to listen and talk. Um, 

 U2 

 17:07 

 but that is my next project. After I finish Shadows and Keyholes, I'm gonna pick up Siren Song and I'm gonna finish it. 

 U1 

 17:14 

 Well and the hand in the hand. So the story is that, um, we started talking about the collaboration on the hand, which is your old, older story that you sent me. You said I could do whatever I wanted with it. So I was like, oh, why don't we just send this back and forth and revise it? And and I made it. I don't know if we've decided on how it's going to end, but I have a different idea for the ending because I like most of it. 

 U2 

 17:37 

 Um, I don't even remember how it ended in the first place, to be honest with you, but it's 

 U1 

 17:41 

 looking like a three part serialized series, and we're going to try to get that on, if not chinelo some other website. And that'll be the first official in print collaboration between us or between me and anyone, not including my 

 U2 

 17:56 

 illustrators. Right. Um, 2s I didn't want to start off something new because I've already got too much going on as it is. 

 U1 

 18:05 

 Yeah, I know how that is. 

 U2 

 18:06 

 So I have this and I've talked about this on the podcast many times. I have this trove of unfinished or unpublished work. I'm just sitting on this mountain of stories, and I was like, why would I start something new when I could hand off a good story? Yeah, it has, you know, a good spine. You can build on it. You can? 

 U1 

 18:25 

 Well, how old are these stories? They 

 U2 

 18:27 

 vary. Some of them are three, four years old and some of them are two months, three months. Because that's 

 U1 

 18:32 

 what I've been doing is going back. I got to literally right behind me a bag of writings from like 2005, I think is the earliest that I have, and I'm rereading them and revising them based on what I know now, technically, and just from being alive. I 

 U2 

 18:49 

 think the hand is like two years old. I think I've been sitting on it for that long. 

 U1 

 18:52 

 Nice. So I'm excited to get that out if I, yeah, get off my ass and finish the other two. 

 U2 

 19:00 

 You don't even have to finish the other two. You can put up the first one now and then. It'll bite. You can buy yourself. Well, that's going to be like pressure. Yeah, I know pressure works for me, but I need I need to like line it up and be sure that sparks stories is finished. I mean that's going to be like 5 or 6 episodes maybe. So when I get that out of the way. And then I'm also working on a children's book, which Keith is doing the illustrations for. I assume he's on board. He just sent me his first draft of the character, who is a koala, and I really liked it, and he keeps saying that I think he's a little nervous doing like, cute stuff. Cute animals and stuff, but it looks really good. So he's he's I feel like he could do whatever he wanted to when it comes to art and sculpting and stuff. So. All right. We've we've gone on and I guess we're going to jump into the story and finish this Christmas slash New Year's story. Happy New Year's everyone. By the way. We are now in 2020. All right then when we're done blabbing. Warning. The following story contains profanity and graphic scenes of elven violence not normally associated with the North Pole. Any similarities between these characters and actual elven detectives is a coincidence. Viewer discretion is advised. I mean, listener Jiminy Jolly James was working his normal shift, though notably more hours because it was closer to Christmas and Christmas. Business always seemed to pick up, especially around Candy Cane Lane. When Nietzsche and Snorri Jingle Jaa knocked on his shop door. What is it? He yelled, we need to ask you some questions, Nietzsche grumbled under his raspy voice. Yeah. Oh. 2s I'm having trouble keeping up with voices here. Uh, Snorri said, looking up to his boss, who was was a foot taller than him. Yeah, well, you don't know anything, Nietzsche said as he flicked one of his cigars off that he had just finished. Jiminy Jolly James opened the shop door and let Nietzsche and Snorri jingle jar in the room smelled of Christmas. Nietzsche thought. Ah, he grumbled, what's the matter, Jiminy Jelly? James asked. Oh, nothing. Snorri, of course, was oblivious to everything that was happening and and thought the smell of the shop was wonderful. Oh, it smelled so great, Snorri said, nearly collapsing, falling backwards with his arms outspread, imagining all of the wonderful things that Christmas could bring, remembering old videos of Jiminy Crickets, Disney's from the old human world. And he spun around so that he nearly fell into a rack of coats, and Nietzsche couldn't help but notice that some moths flew out as he fell in, which really affirmed his belief that every, every jolly thing in this damn town was really just a front. We have some we have some pictures that we need to show you, and we think that you might be involved somehow. Nietzsche said, well, I don't know if I know anything about that, sir. 

 U1 

 22:18 

 I'm just, uh, here sewing and and stitching my coats and, you know, 

 U2 

 22:23 

 don't play any games with me. A douche Nietzsche said, I don't got time for your nonsense. Nietzsche shows the picture of the red suit and the once joyous, happy Jiminy gets really quiet. I think you know something about this, he says, and then pushes the picture 

 U1 

 22:40 

 closer as a dog in the background barks aggressively. Pushing the picture into his face. An elven dog. Tell me everything you know about this suit. Well, I made it about two weeks ago. It's, uh. It's it's made to match the the one of the man in the red. And why would you do that? And whose suit would it be? Ah, ah. 

 U2 

 23:03 

 Given he begins to shake. He gets terrified, and it looks as if he's going to wet himself and maybe faint. Well, are you gonna tell me or what? 

 U1 

 23:11 

 All right, I'll tell you. All right. 

 U2 

 23:13 

 Just. Just promise. Leave me alone. I need it for Danny. Nine toes. The room got really quiet. So you mean to tell me that you made a suit to look like the men in red for Danny? Nine toes? 

 U1 

 23:25 

 Why? Well, 

 U2 

 23:26 

 I, uh, I don't know why. He just. He paid me a lot of money, and I did it. All right, that sounds logical. That's enough. Douche. 

 U1 

 23:36 

 Paragraph. Chapter break. Meanwhile, in the outskirts. Danny. Nine toes was busy. Narwhal pulling another young elven who he assumed was fucking with his business. If we're being honest. No, no, no, I swear I didn't do anything. I'm just a young lad, and I just don't have anything to do with anything. Any anyhow. Ah, true. Likely story, my friend Danny nine toes said. Now, Danny, nine toes like to tap his foot. And everybody who knew Danny, nine toes knew that he had a missing toe on his right foot. A missing big thumb toe on his right foot. Because Danny nine toes used to be a candy cane addict. And one day, his fate was that he had to have a toe cut off because he was a diabetic elven mobster. And so hence Danny nine Toes got his name. Likely story. My friend Danny. Nine toes said to the dangling elf. This was just business as usual, of course. Who is fucking with our other racketeering business? I swear it wasn't me. I like to gamble every once in a while, but but I, I haven't lost one so I Danny nine toes gave the flick of his thumb. He just gave a thumbs up. That was the signal to his elven, uh, lackeys. And they let go of the rope and the young elven lad fell into the pool. Only this time a narwhal leapt out of the icy water. Just as the elf was about to hit the surface and pierce the elf through one ear and in and out, through his head and out the other ear with his long narwhal horn. Danny nine toes giggled a little bit, but he kept it to himself because he didn't want his henchman to see him or hear him giggling like a little girl. Well, someone's been fucking with our racketeering business and we'll hang and. Ah, while all the elves in town. If we have to. All right, boss, the henchmen said, is they waddled over like penguins because they were actually penguins and not elves. He had penguin henchmen who were half elf. Well, let's just go on to the next narwhal pool, I guess, and figure out who's fucking with our racketeering business. Danny. Nine toes giggled again under his breath with his hand over his mouth. Yeah. 

 U2 

 26:07 

 All right. Somebody had been ripping off the reindeer races. Somebody had been juicing the reindeer, and it was not good business. Danny. Nine toes had done a lot of crooked things in his life. But like his father before him, he knew to keep the races clean. He wanted everybody a fair chance. Because although he was a rough exterior man interior, he wanted people to the opportunity to win money fair and square. Well, boys, we got to figure out what's going on here. Somebody's doing some greasy shit and we've got to figure out what it is. And the elf penguin assistants all go down to the track, and everybody begins asking questions and pushing some of the trainers for some answers. It turns out that two of the reindeer tested positive for enhancing drugs. What have you got to say for yourselves, Danny? Nine toes screams at the trainers. Uh, well, uh, 1s what had happened was we really needed the money, boss. And, uh, Danny nine toes grabs one of them by the collar and he yanks them closer and he says, that's enough. You tell me where you got the drugs from. Uh, well, boss, um, there's a lot of money betting on our our our reindeer. Uh, uh, Randolph is one of our best. Randolph is your best only because he's on drugs. And Danny, nine toes, orders his elven penguin guards to smash the knees of the of the reindeer. And they pummel the reindeer until it's nearly dead and it can't walk anymore. Well, he's not your best anymore, now, is he? Tell me where the drugs came from. Uh, well, look, there's, uh, somebody who's been providing us with. Who is it? Nietzsche. One of the other partners says that's when it clicked. Everything made sense. Nietzsche was the the source of all of his problems. And those two were going to have to go head to head at some point. This is fucking reindeer shit, he said as he. 3s As he walked back and forth and he storms back and forth. I'm gonna get you Nietzsche, he says in a deep, guttural voice. 

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 28:18 

 Shit, shit, shit. Nietzsche said as he stormed out of the horse racing stable place. Where are you going? You piece of shit! Huh? Who said that, you douche? As Nietzsche turned around, a big fist swung and hit him square in the jaw. Oh. Nietzsche said as he flew backwards and he slid over a patch of ice. And he crashed his head into a nearby trashcan as the trash spilled out over him, including a banana peel and half eaten candy canes. And for some reason, uh, Nietzsche noted, candy corn. The fuck is that shit doing up here? Candy corn had been banned. Even the cane addicts did not like candy corn. But that's another story. 

 U2 

 29:07 

 I'm gonna get you your douche, Nietzsche says as he gets off the ground and he takes some of the trash and he throws it into 99, toes his face, and it blinds him for a second with all the sand and all the grit and all the dust. Danny nine toes, holds a hand up to block his eyes and wipe the gunk from his face, and Nietzsche punches him in the balls and he falls over. And Nietzsche has the upper hand, so he starts swinging as fast and as hard as he can, hitting Danny Elven nine toes in the face and in the head, and Danny's screaming for his life. Ah, you're not gonna take me down, you son of a bitch! This is my town, Nietzsche said as he kicked. Uh, Danny continuously, and Snorri came running up behind him to stop him. 

 U1 

 29:52 

 But as Snorri was running, he slipped on the patch of ice that they had not moved from, and a banana peel from the trashcan. And he went flying and he slid right into Nietzsche's legs. Ah, fuck, Nietzsche said as he flew backwards again into the trash can, which a nearby elf janitor had just picked up and finished cleaning. Ah, come on, I quit, the janitor elf said as he walked off, slipping on the ice himself. You stupid little douche, Nietzsche said standing up once more, struggling to his feet, slipping, sliding side to side on the ice. He stood to his feet and wiped off the trash, and he looked down at story and he said, you're fired. You're not getting paid for any of this work, you stupid little elf. Oh, but, sir, what about my what about my. I don't give a shit about your family. A stupid little elf. Christmas is over. Hey, Christmas, stop! Nietzsche said as he stormed off and Danny Elven was still standing there, bewildered and didn't know if he should chase Nietzsche or go after Snorri. Hey, you have my money, you stupid little detective elf! Nietzsche stopped suddenly and clenched his fist. Nobody calls me stupid, he said as he slid around on the ice very elegantly because it was slippery, so he just decided to slide along majestically, like elves do, even when they're grumpy. I 

 U2 

 31:13 

 don't have any money, Nietzsche says. I don't have anything. But I tell you what, if you tell me you did it, if you tell me who killed that man in town square, I'll find some money. I know some people seem to think about this for a while. Admitting to murder or admitting to knowing who murdered was a dangerous game to play. And he knew he knew the answer. But whether he was ready to admit it or not, he couldn't decide. Snorri was confused and wasn't sure if. He was supposed to leave or stay, so he just looked from one of them to the other curiously and tried to balance himself on the slippery ice. Uh, I don't know what to do, guys, I don't know. What do I do? Shut up, you douche, Nietzsche said. Tell me, Danny. Who was it? Was it you? No, it wasn't me. But I know who it was. You give me the money. $10,000, and I'll tell you who did it. 

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 32:08 

 And I'll throw in a lump of sugar while I'm at it. 

 U2 

 32:11 

 Nietzsche took a big breath, and he thought about where the money was going to come from. $10,000. And he knew. He knew instantly he was going to rob his 

 U1 

 32:19 

 dealer. So they slid away on the ice, knowing that their lives were on the threshold of being snuffed out. Snorri was especially sad because Snorri was not used to all of this. Even having worked for Nietzsche for so long, this was some pretty dark shit, and he thought to himself about how he might not be able to feed his family because Nietzsche hadn't taken back what he said about not paying him. And so he actually wondered why he was going along in the first place. But Nietzsche was his friend and his only friend at that. And so they marched back to the office, and Nietzsche started digging around in a little closet off to the side. Ah, fuck. I know it's here somewhere. I know it's here. And then he found a little box, a little golden box. He pressed a button on the top and the box unfolded. And in the middle of the box was a piece of paper with a phone number. It was his drug dealer's phone number. He kept it in special places. Geraldo was his name Mo? 2s He called it. And 

 U2 

 33:21 

 I need to meet up. I need to get a fix, he said to the dealer. I need some now. I'm going through withdrawals. Get down here. Uh. Snorri was shaking his head like, oh, God, I don't want to do this. I don't want to be involved in this. Why are you even following me? I want to see it through, boss, I want to. I want to make sure that you're okay. And I want to know who murdered the man in Town Square. After considering all of this information for a little while, Nietzsche realized that Snorri wasn't so bad. He could be kind of a douche at times, but he's his douche, and he decided to unfired Snorri for the moment after firing him several times before. Ah, yeah, I'm so bad. Get over here, you little shit! And then the two embraced in a giant hug and they waited for Geraldo. Geraldo pulled up on a snowmobile, a wild cat, and he climbed off and he had a bag of sugar cane, which was not what Nietzsche preferred. He preferred candy cane dust or just plain sugar. What are you doing with this stuff? Nietzsche said. You expect me to buy that? And then he remembered his whole point of being there was to rob the guy. Give me all your money, you douche, he said as he pulled his elven gun from his sock. And he pointed it at the drug dealer. Oh no, don't. Don't shoot, don't shoot. I'll give you all my money, I swear. And he began to unload all of his money and all of his drugs onto the ground, and Nietzsche realized really fast that it was more than enough. 

 U1 

 34:42 

 But as. Nietzsche knelt down to pick up the money. There was a clicking sound from behind him. He looked up at Geraldo, who was still shaking, trembling with his hands out. And then he turned his head slowly, for it was late at night. In all of the l've pimps and hookers had gone to bed, sleeping soft and soundly, all cozy in their beds, some of them with each other. And he turned around, and the first thing he caught a glimpse of was a small shadow from the light of a candy cane lamp post. We followed the trail of the shadow, and sure enough, Snorri stood there, trembling with a pistol in his hand, pointed directly at the back of Nietzsche's head. Ah! What? What are you doing? Snoring, my boy? I've had enough, boss. You've been mean to me. You've called me the D word, and you're a no good drug addict. I've been. I told my wife and my 20 children that you would get better, that you were a good man. But now I'm beginning to think that you aren't a good man. You can leave. Geraldo. Geraldo, still trembling, quickly grabbed the handlebars of his wild cat snowmobile and sped off, some of the money fluttering behind him. Ah, no, Nietzsche said, reaching for the bills like the desperate punk that he was. Get back down on the ground! Say, say I'm a boy. We can. We could talk this out. No, no, I don't think we can. I'm going to need that money. I've got a family to buy presents for and and turkeys to buy. Maybe I can come over and have some turkeys with you, huh? It'll be like old times. And then Snorri remembered why he ever thought that Nietzsche was a good person in the first place. Because when they first met, Nietzsche wasn't so bad. He wasn't even doing the cane. And he even came over for dinner one time and was very polite. But over the years, Nietzsche had gotten worse for being a detective from the decaying state of the North Pole and the fat man in Red's Rules and the elven slave shops. But then he remembered who Nietzsche had become with 

 U2 

 36:38 

 the barrel of the pistol held against Nietzsche's head. Snorri leaned in and said, do you want to know who killed that man in Times Square? Do you? Yeah, I want to know. You're not gonna kill me, you douche, I did it! I killed the man in Times Square in the town square. I killed him, and I tried to frame Danny nine toes. And I tried to frame the fat man in red, but I failed. Coincidentally, Danny Nine Toes was dressing up as Santa for a charity thing. That's why he was in that shop. That's why he was buying that outfit. And I took advantage of that information. I had a Santa suit from one of my many, many Christmases where I dressed up as Santa for my children, which 

 U1 

 37:13 

 I filled with. He's gonna fill it with something. He's so small it doesn't make sense. I 

 U2 

 37:18 

 stood on stilts and I filled my pocket with rocks and pillows. I filled the front of my pants with pillows and. And that's how I did it, I killed him. You don't want to know why I killed him. Nietzsche, do 

 U1 

 37:28 

 you? He said as he stuffed the money into his pockets. 

 U2 

 37:32 

 It was for the money. All along I've been in debt because you don't pay me, you douche, he said back to Nietzsche, savoring the moment when he could call his boss a douche for the first time. Ever. 

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 37:43 

 Oh, my. He said I've never used the D word. 

 U2 

 37:47 

 I wanted you to know, boss. I wanted you to know before I killed you. Nietzsche was shivering because he knew his fate was there. He felt the barrel pressed against the back of his head, and he looked up and he saw Danny, nine toes coming, walking across the horizon 

 U1 

 38:01 

 with his henchman, his latchkey slouches, 

 U2 

 38:04 

 with his lackeys, with his two lackeys. I think they're here to save me. I think they're gonna. They're gonna stop him. Nietzsche thought as he watched as they approached. 

 U1 

 38:12 

 Where's my money, you stupid little detective elf? Uh, Nietzsche thought he just, for some reason, could not stand being called a stupid detective. He was anything but. He may be a washed up cocaine addict, but he was still Nietzsche, the detective elf. And suddenly visions of why he got into the business in the first place came to mind. He used to want to be a hero. He used to want to clean up the dirty streets of the North Pole. But it seemed like the more he tried, the worse it actually got. Oh, what have we here? I didn't I didn't think you had the guts in you to pull a gun on your boss, little elf. Snorri looked up and sniffed because it was cold and his nose was running his little elven nose. Yeah, well, I got fed up with this shit, he said, trying to force a curse out. Nietzsche couldn't help but notice that story was having some sort of little transformation. He had never heard his little partner swear so much, and he started to feel a little guilty. Responsible, like he had maybe rubbed off on Snorri the wrong way all these years. As Danny Elven toes approached with his two henchmen, Snorri quickly turned around with his gun and pointed it at him. Don't step any closer. Hey man, I'm on your side. I just want my money. Yeah, well, we all need money, don't we? Say take it easy, kid, one of the henchmen said as they stepped forward. He reached out and then Snorri took his free hand and wiped it away. And then Snorri shot all of them. Okay. Holy shit. Whew. That felt good, Snorri said, and he had a little evil grin on his face, but he forced it down. Everybody had a little evil inside them, but he reminded himself that he was doing this for good reasons. He needed to feed his family. He collected the money and he buried the bodies. And he went home and he kissed his wife. He said, honey, I don't think we're going to be having any problems anytime soon. And then he went to the strip club, 2s now giving me handsome singles 

 U2 

 40:01 

 over here as he unfolds the money out of his pocket for his wife. Fast 

 U1 

 40:05 

 forward New Year's Eve. Snorri was standing with his 20 children in the North Pole elven Times Square, where he had murdered that other body. He murdered a body long, long ago, and he was looking at his wife, and he was looking up at the ball that was about to drop the elven ball, and he just couldn't help but be grateful for the way life was going to go in the 2020s. Things were going to change, he thought. And then he smiled. And as the countdown began, ten, 

 U2 

 40:33 

 nine. Eight. He looked around. Seven. And suddenly 1s he saw some red in the distance. It was the fat man two. And he 

 U1 

 40:43 

 was pointing a gun. One. 9s Writer's block. 3s Cool kids. Remember to subscribe. 2s And tune in next week. 2s For the next episode. 2s Writer's block. 2s The coolest podcast of all time. Time. Time. Time.