When They're "The One"

How do you know when someone is "the one" , the BWWPS listeners chimed in to help answer that exact question! 

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:08

Hi everyone, welcome back to. But what Will People Say? I'm your host, yusha Mazzappa, and this is a South Asian Insuraisal, relationship and Lifestyle podcast. Welcome back for another episode. Welcome back, everybody.

Speaker 1: 0:22

This week's episode is a fun one. A bunch of you always ask, like, how do you know someone is THE one? And this is a very kind of like esoteric question. I guess I don't know if I'm using that word right, but I know in the past I've done episodes about interracial relationship, green flags. I've also done the Found Family episode, which I think can overlap a bit. But this is like a more romantic version of looking at relationships and dating and like finding this person that like leaves you with butterflies and you're like, yeah, this is the person.

Speaker 1: 0:57

And it's kind of this concept that I don't think a lot of South Asian kids are raised with, because, like, our culture is mostly arranged marriages and our parents' relationships and so many of the adult relationships in our lives have been fairly transactional and marriage was very, almost utilitarian. So I wanted to do this episode to answer that question for you guys, or at least try my best, and of course, I got some help from the listeners of this show. A very long time ago I asked you guys to tell me how you knew someone was the one. It came with lots of stories, so I tried to generalize them to make a little more sense, cohesively, in a way that would be more applicable to people listening. And also I gathered my friends You've probably heard most not most, but a good chunk of their voices here on the show when they come on to talk about dating and other things. But they are also a pretty good soundboard because they provide perspectives that are from all different types of lives and backgrounds growing up, and we've all been through many different phases in our lives, in our relationships. So I think it was just a great group to kind of gain some insight from. So shout out to my friends for being very helpful. Shout out to the listeners for sharing all of their bits of life experience, and I'm going to try my best to give you a little bit of my own insights as well.

Speaker 1: 2:27

So let's get to it, alrighty. So how do you know somebody is the one? And this concept of like a soulmate or the one that you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with is a very western idea, like I said in the intro, most of us grew up with parents who had arranged marriages. So even this idea of what love and relationship should look like can be hard to conceptualize when you live in the UK or in America or Canada and you're like, what, what do you mean? What does that mean? And you know so many people. When you ask them, how do you know someone's?

Speaker 1: 3:29

The one that would say, oh, it's just a feeling, you just know, which is also super vague and not very helpful. But I think the first thing I wanted to do was try to define what that feeling is, and what my friends and I came up with was the feeling of just knowing. Is this extremely deep seated sense of confidence in the person that you're with. You couldn't say anything. None of you listening, none of my friends could say anything that would make me question my decision to be with Michael, just nothing. That man could wake up tomorrow and decide the sky is purple even though it is clearly blue, and I would still stand by him and be like all right, sweetie, tell me more, tell me about how the sky is purple. Just, it's a very like deep sense of confidence in someone, that they are it. But there's a bit more to how that feeling arises and that's what I think we're going to try to dissect here.

Speaker 1: 4:45

And the first thing, before we even get into all of that, I want to say is that when you come from a culture of transactional relationships, it's, it's. You're not gonna find Romantic, sweep you off your feet, falling headfirst and love kind of romance. I think the first thing you have to do is determine what do you want in a relationship. What do you want it to look like? Do you want it to be just like someone who checks a bunch of boxes? Then, fine, you can go find that. But I think romantic love there has all of these tropes you see in movies and stuff. They come from a place of Not being someone who just checks a bunch of boxes. And so If that's what you want, you know you want six figures, six foot, six pack abs and you want them to drive a beamer and wear a Patagonia vest to work and like buy you a big house. Fine, you can want those things, and I think there's lots of South Asians out there who that is what they want. Like there's a very like practical, utilitarian way of looking at relationships and that's not to say you can't have both you that not saying like you can't have things you want in a relationship and not have this Romantic sense of being with the one. But I think when you're going into it, the lens with which you are looking for a relationship has to shift away from that transactional view in order for you to even give it a chance that you're gonna find someone with all the feels. And I like to think I found that and I highly recommend it.

Speaker 1: 6:37

There are definitely moments where Michael and I will sit back and we'll be at a wedding, or we'll be at you know out with people, or we'll meet new couples and you know, when we're at weddings it always almost makes us fall more in love with each other. We always sit there and come out feeling like we know exactly how those two feel. We know the kind of joy and warmth they feel in that room tonight. We know the excitement that led up to it and the joy that comes after the wedding, which I personally think is the best part. The wedding was great, but the life after the wedding, that should be the thing you are most excited for, and I think that's a big indicator of if you are with the right person, because if you are only looking forward to the wedding and you can't look past that. We should ask ourselves some questions.

Speaker 1: 7:34

And this is also hard to conceptualize, because a Relationship, the only people who know anything about our relationship, are the two people that are in it. Nobody else has any idea what that relationship looks like because You're just not in it. Everyone else only gets an external view of it and and most people are like onions. We have layers and most people you will only ever see that outer layer of the Version of themselves they want to portray to the world and you'll never really peel back those layers, unless you are very good friends with them. And even then I don't think even my best friends in the universe have gotten to that core layer that Michael has. And the same thing vice versa. Like the reason nothing anyone says about Michael will change the way I view him is because I know what the center of that onion looks like and I think when you are dating, if you can remember that, that you aren't trying to find what the outermost layer of a person looks like. You want to dig into the center of that and we'll get into that a little bit later, but remember Only the two people in a relationship know what it's like.

Speaker 1: 8:57

I have literally watched people who are miserable together Pretend to be in the world's happiest relationship and have it all all of a sudden come crashing down. And it's not all of a sudden to them, it was already already crumbling to them. But to the outside world, looking in, we thought everything was great and fine, and you have to keep that in mind that as much as we want other people's input and insight into our relationship, we are the only people in it. You and your significant other are the only people in it, and so you have to Really know who that person is so that you can gain that kind of confidence and that feeling of like the one.

Speaker 1: 9:43

And I think part of what helps this and it's not necessary, but I think because so many of us weren't raised knowing how to date, having some dating experience, helps because your past relationships Become a point of comparison, because so many people, if you are not South Asian or you had parents who, like I guess, had a love marriage, your point of comparison is often your parents, right, what kind of marriage did they have? But when you don't have that, I found that the way I knew Michael was the one was because I had past dating experiences and I had a comparison point to say yes, green flag, red flag, this is working. This is not working. And so by the time I met Michael, all the bells and whistles were going off that like, yeah, yeah, this kid is different than all these other guys I dated. This guy has something that none of the other ones had, and I kind of call it the it factor, and I'll get into that a little bit later.

Speaker 1: 10:52

But, yeah, I think the just knowing, when you aren't someone who was raised with a dating background, it helps to do some dating yourself. Go into it, have fun, low stakes. It doesn't have to be every day, it has to lead to a relationship. You can just go on a date because it's fun and if you're not having fun, maybe take a break from dating. I don't know, and the that feeling has a lot of different components, and one thing that kept coming up Was this feeling of safety At the end of the day that we always describe, that feeling of home with someone, that feeling of just like you can totally be yourself and you know you don't have to be anyone, but that with the person you're with, that you can show them the most vulnerable parts of you, the parts of you that might be scared, the parts of you that might be broken. You can show them that and you feel safe doing that because you know that you can show those pieces of you to someone and they will still love you for it and they might even help you heal from it or unpack it. So that feeling of safety came up quite a lot for pretty much everybody.

Speaker 1: 12:13

And also, I think before I even get more into this the idea of the one isn't like a train you miss. It's not like, oh, if I don't get on this train right now, I'll never find it again. I don't think it's a very literal one. I think there's multiple people out there that could be the one for you. So I don't think there's. You shouldn't like feel like just cause one relationship you thought this was, it didn't work out, that a different train won't come again, that you could get on, that this could be the person, and so just keep that in mind, because I think that's important before we like lose hope in the dating world.

Speaker 1: 12:59

And another thing please ignore everything Bollywood taught you. I have never once watched a Bollywood movie that showed even an ounce of a healthy relationship. Granted, I haven't watched one in at least 10 years, but growing up I remember watching these movies and all it ever depicted was like lust and infatuation and that's it, like there was nothing healthy about it. And there's never a Bollywood movie made about what happens after the wedding, like it's all about leading up to like the wedding and then it's over boy and girl are married, everything's perfect now, no, you know what happens to those relationships they crash and burn. They went zero to a hundred and then they plummeted down to the core of the earth. Because trust me that there's a reason.

Speaker 1: 13:49

Crash and burn is a term because when it comes to relationships, if you are just infatuated with someone, go have a one night stand, it's fine. Go have some fun, like get it out of your system and then get on with your life. Because I don't think there has ever been a situation where infatuation led to a happy like a happily ever after. That's just not how it works. So I'm sorry for all the Bollywood fans out there, but like that is the most broken concept of love I have ever seen. And that includes when I go to India and I hear people talk about what love is, and their idea of love is literally infatuation, and I'm like, no, I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. I don't think I'm wrong, but I don't think we should look to Bollywood as an example, because no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1: 14:39

Okay, so now let's get into this person, this, the one you know, our human, our lobster, as some would say. What that feels like, and part of it is that you will stand by their imperfections. They aren't just perfect to you because of all the things that are right about them. They're perfect exactly the way they are Imperfections and all, and that you are also that person to them. You know that, like you can be exactly who you are, even when they're not always the most likable to other people, because brown people, it's all about what other people will say, and we're obsessed with that like outer layer of our onion as a person. Right, if a person is an onion, we are obsessed with the outside layer and that's why you see so many unhappy marriages, especially the arranged marriages, where, like you, only have to show someone the outside layer of you for like a week or two and then you're married, and then, as this person unpacks the other layers, they'd start seeing things that they didn't get time to see and dig through.

Speaker 1: 15:44

And now suddenly you feel like you don't know who you married because, like if you only give someone three seconds to make a decision about someone and you come from a culture that is hell bent on the external impression they give to the world, like look at my car, look at my salary, look at my outfit, look at my jewelry Like they're just trying to cover up what's behind it. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your imperfections, but I would prefer to be with someone who I know they're imperfections and I love them anyway, and I would want the same thing reciprocated to me. So I think that's where, if you can be with someone, even when they're imperfect, it's it makes everything more validated because you love them for who they are, completely and not just parts of them. You should be able to love someone as a whole. What I call the factor is what lies behind that front onion layer. I'm sorry if you guys don't like this analogy of an onion, but it's all I got.

Speaker 1: 16:49

But once you peel back that front layer of like the way they look and their height and their whatever, now it's like okay, who are, who is this person? And these are the things that you can't wear on your sleeve, but very often, if you observe enough, you will see it in their actions and for me, that it factor has always been someone who is hardworking, someone who is compassionate and considerate, someone who is willing to help you reach your full potential, who is confident in who they are. Those things you only see in their actions, and it'll be the smallest things. Right, it's how do they treat wait staff at a restaurant? Or how do they just treat other people? How do they interact with the world? What is their view of someone who is unlike them, someone who is different from them?

Speaker 1: 17:51

And I will say like for my husband, he is probably one of the most considerate people I've ever met and he makes me look like a selfish asshole most of the time, like he is the guy that would help anyone who needed it. Or when my friends visit, and if we're driving somewhere and they're following our car, he will purposely slow down to make sure that they're behind us and that we don't lose them on the road. He was the kid in school where he would always sit on the bus next to a kid who maybe didn't have a friend to sit with. He was that kind of guy, you know, even when I met him and he showed up in this beaten up old Chevy that he bought from his grandpa for a dollar, like no frills with this kid. But immediately you can tell how hardworking he was, even though at the time didn't really have most of his life together, and very much played the long game. You know, you can play long game with someone when they have this it factor that they are someone who isn't just going to like let life happen. I guess I don't know how to describe it. But you know, the kid I met and the man I married are still the same person, but like on a whole other level. If that makes sense. I don't know.

Speaker 1: 19:23

This is a very like gushy episode for me, but I think if you focus on the actions of the person you're dating and you can start looking behind that external layer to see what kind of person are they on the inside, that is a huge impact on figuring out if they're the one, because there's a lot. What I always say is you can fix ugly on the outside, you can't fix ugly on the inside. So if you can find someone who is just a ray of light and warmth on the inside, who you know is trustworthy and honest and caring and compassionate, I mean that is worth so much more than any of the external layers, because those things you can always just make up. We can be whoever we want to be to the world and project whatever image we want to project. But when the doors are closed and you've got a ring on your finger and you have to see that person exactly who they are when nobody's watching, that's what you want to look out for. Who is this person when nobody is watching? Are they the guy who will pull over on the side of the road and help someone who clearly needs help? That person worth a lot. So that's what I call the impactor. I don't know. Let me know if you guys agree with that, or is it just me who knows what else?

Speaker 1: 20:59

There's a sense of growth with this person. A lot of people were like this person makes me a better version of myself, and everyone has said this phrase and it's 100% cliche and it's 100% true. This person should see you as someone Like they want. You want them to see the best version of you in the sense that like, or they see the best in you. That's what I mean. Like, michael sees so much more potential in me as a person than I see in myself, and so because of that, he is someone who has helped me become a better version of myself, and vice versa. Like the person you're with should help you grow and just be better, because we can always be better. Humans are flawed, and that's great, and we can always do a little bit better, because there's always room for growth. Nobody's perfect and that's okay too. So a little bit of everything in that.

Speaker 1: 22:03

And the other thing is would you choose that person every time, even when things are hard? Going back to that deep sense of knowing someone is the one, that confidence. If you would choose that person every time, no matter what that feeling is, what the one is Like when things are hard, when things are shitty, when life is complicated, would you still choose that person? Yes, then you're in the right territory. If no, maybe we ask a few questions. You know, look in the mirror, maybe I don't know Something's wrong. But if you would choose that person every single time, then yeah, I've always kind of said in my head, and this is gonna sound so gushy, but like I could have 100 years to love Michael and I would ask for 100 more, even if that makes me selfish. I would choose him in every life, and so I'm grateful to have found that person and I hope you find that person too, that you could say that about them.

Speaker 1: 23:12

What else? He falls first. Okay, so this one this is like one of those things that like is never set out loud unless you are in like a group of women where this is gonna stay within these four walls. It's like almost a secret. But the whole he falls first is kind of like one of those little secrets where, like usually when you're with the one, the guy falls first. I'm gonna just say it, I'm gonna put it out there. It has been true for Everyone. I know that is married and for me I'm not saying we don't love our husbands, we do. I love my husband pieces, but he definitely fell first and even now, like literally, his mom will be like that man worships the ground you walk on and that's from his mom. It's a secret and I feel weird even saying it out loud because I feel like Some people are not gonna grasp it when I say it, but it's true, how you argue big indicator If you don't know how to argue, learn how to argue.

Speaker 1: 24:27

But even when you're arguing with the person, you're never arguing about the problem. You're like you're fighting for the two of you. You're not fighting for to be right about something, you're fighting for your relationship and it's not about winning or losing, it's about you two winning together. If you don't know how to argue, I can't tell you how important it is to argue and, speaking of Arguing, there probably shouldn't be a ton of it. I'm gonna be quite honest. I don't buy it when people are like, oh yeah, we argue all the time. I'm like really interesting, um, and I get it. People listening are gonna be like you're just so young and naive and you don't have kids yet, and Fine, let me be young and I even love.

Speaker 1: 25:14

I would not give up this feeling Just to, like, prove someone else right. I guess I don't know, but there's a, there's an ease that comes with being with the right person. Yes, there are things that are complicated, like how are you gonna tell your parents and what are other people gonna say, and how are we gonna Blend our cultures and our religion, and that's fine. But even then, even those things aren't enough to stop you and Even those things are never gonna come between the two of you. Like other people might make it a problem for you, right like your parents are gonna make this difficult for you or Salvation community or whatever, but those things are never really a problem for the two of you.

Speaker 1: 26:02

There is an ease, there is an excitement about planning a life together. There is always a future talk, I think even from the beginning, like little things like your significant other will buy concert tickets for six months away and you've only been dating for a few months. Like they're thinking about a future with you and there's an excitement to that. And there's an ease in knowing that this person has made you a priority and that ease should continue, like it's been eight years. This month, december 22nd, will be five years of being married and that ease has never gone away.

Speaker 1: 26:45

We rarely we bicker, but the arguing is not very often and our relationship feels easy. Even when we're making decisions about life. We're almost always on the same page and we agree on most things. So that ease and excitement for sharing a life together and sharing everything in life together, I Think should definitely be there and I hope it stays. I'm assuming it will stay forever.

Speaker 1: 27:14

Maybe the old cranky people will tell me I'm wrong, but I think that's one thing our generation has done right is we have taken the time to really find the right person and not get married for the sake of being married. But then again, I don't know. I see South Asian people doing that all the time. So, but I like to think our listener group is a little bit different, especially when you're like in the interracial relationship space, like your idea of Relationships is just so different than the ones that other people might have. I make no friends trashing other relationships on this show. I'm sorry. Okay, just don't take it personally, guys. I'm just trying to help my people here.

Speaker 1: 27:58

What else? Ooh, physical attraction, other things that brown kids didn't grow up learning about or understanding, because I don't think I've ever seen my parents like even kiss. So what the fuck? In terms of physical relationships, there's just so much that goes unspoken in our culture and is hard to understand, and I don't think you I Don't necessarily mean physical attraction in that like you are having mind-blowing sex seven times a day, every single day of the week. Like no, I mean yes, there's like the honeymoon phase where, like you two are obsessed with each other, but like generally, like you should be physically attracted to this person. Like it's been eight years and I still literally look at my husband and think about jumping his bones. It's just what it is and you should always be like Into them, right. Like you should be attracted to the person you're dating. I know some people will try to be like, oh, like women don't necessarily like need to have that. I'm like, no, you do. Stop ignoring it. Okay, you should be attracted to your partner.

Speaker 1: 29:09

It is very simple and the thing is like, even as you get older, I think the one thing I've noticed is like I Don't think I've ever stopped looking at my husband any differently than when I met him. Like we look at our pictures of when we first started dating and we have both like evidently aged right, it's been eight years and even then, like I don't even notice, like you know, the crow's feet along his eyes, or like you know, his skin starting to look older, or me, you know, gaining weight over the years. Like I don't think either of us even notice it. I think we're both just busy seeing, like the 21 and 25 year old that met and that sounds really gushy too, and I hope we still are like that when we're 80. Because, yeah, I'm sorry if this has turned into that Disha's obsessed with her husband episode. I hope everyone listening is obsessed with their partner too. I hope you can hear this and be Like, yeah, I feel like that too about my husband or my wife or my partner or whatever. I hope you do, because that is literally what this episode is. It's about that kind of romantic Binding, your soulmate kind of love. I hope you guys find that.

Speaker 1: 30:27

And the last thing and this came up for many, many people were like the signs, like that the universe and the stars aligned for you to be together, and these will be in like the most minor ways or in big grand scheme of life ways, but there is always that little sense of like the universe wanted this to happen, that this was meant to be, and so many of you sent in like super specific stories about Things that happen and the way that just this couldn't be coincidence, right. It was like sweet synodipity that you ended up with this person, and it can be about the date you guys met. It can be Numbers that are always popping up. For you guys, or the time of the year. For me, it was like we matched on tinder and we only matched because Michael was driving home from North Carolina and he drove through the town I lived in, and so that was probably when we matched.

Speaker 1: 31:34

And you know, as our relationship progressed like we kept getting forced into proximity of each other, like my parents legit first of all had no idea Michael was my boyfriend and literally bought a house 3.2 miles away from his house. I mean, if that's not the stars aligning, I don't know what is. And there are just so many moments like that where, even when life was busy, even when things were complicated or what he was a secret, like the world was still forcing us together, the world was still making time for us to see each other. And this is where things get really kind of Woo-woo. But I think, since we're already in that realm, thinking of someone as the one and our soulmate, there has to be a little bit of magic in there, right. There's got to be a little sparkle that, just like you know the universe out there just sprinkle a little fairy dust on you too, and we're like this needs to work out. You too meant to be. It's got to happen. We're gonna shift the earth to make it happen.

Speaker 1: 32:39

So many of you send in stories like that and I can't help but let the hopeless romantic in me believe that when you're with that person, when you're with the one, that the stars will align and you will end up together, no matter what. And that's me being a hopeless romantic. That's all I got for you guys today. I hope this was helpful. If anything, I hope this was a fun episode and made you want to go fall in love with somebody, because it is absolutely worth it. I'll see you guys next time, bye. Thanks so much for tuning in guys. Make sure, if you enjoyed this episode, you leave us a review on itunes. You can find this show on all major streaming platforms. You can find me on instagram at dishamazeppa. You can shop my etsy shop, disha mazeppa designs. Find out everything you want to know about this show at disha mazeppacom. And if you or someone you know would like to be a guest, you can email bwps podcast at gmailcom. And I'll see you guys next time. Bye, bye.