If It Brings You Joy, Do It.

a few words to wrap up the year! Happy holidays and I'll see y'all in 2024 =) 

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:08

Hi everyone, welcome back to. But what Will People Say? I'm your host, disha Mazzappa, and this is a South Asian Insuricial Relationship and Lifestyle podcast. Welcome back for another episode. Hi everybody, we have made it to the last episode of 2023. Thanks for coming along for the ride. It's been a good time.

Speaker 1: 0:30

I think this episode is kind of just like a little end of year message pep talk, maybe some words of wisdom. I've just been really enjoying doing solo episodes and I was like, let me just like do a fun little holiday words of wisdom, because I know this time of year can be like the older I get, the more complicated. Sometimes it feels as an adult. But it doesn't have to be complicated and I just wanted to come here and remind you of that. So let's get to it, okay.

Speaker 1: 1:22

So first things first. You made it through another year and, as always, I'm so proud of you and you should be proud of you too. Life is messy, complicated, fun, exhausting, all of those things, and I'm sure your year had a little bit of all the chaos, but we made it. We're getting in to the end of the year and you should be proud of yourself because you've come such a long way, and I think at least for me, who is like queen of negative Nancy when she's in a bad mood it helps to make a list of like all the positive things that happened in a year, or things that you accomplished, things that brought you joy, because our brains are pretty naturally wired to focus on the negative as just like a survival thing. So like if something bad happened and like you forgot about it, then it could happen again if you don't recognize the warning signs. Unfortunately, nowadays that tends to backfire, where we just like remember every bad thing that ever happened, and so if you sort of flip that on its head and try to focus on all the positive things that happened, it will make this time of year a whole lot more fun and just be proud of yourself. I feel like brown girls are so bad at being proud of themselves and it would be so much easier if we all just stopped tying our self worth to our accomplishments or our paychecks or whatever external validation. We could show the world that we are worth something. Maybe try making a list of all the things that are positive in your life that are not related to accomplishment, which can be very difficult when you're brown, but if you try, I believe in you, I think you can do it. The other thing I wanted to say and I'm sure you've heard this a thousand times is to make sure you do a little self care and make sure you're taking care of yourself this holiday season and whatever that might be.

Speaker 1: 3:35

I think when you're a brown kid, like most of us, didn't grow up celebrating Christmas or Hanukkah or like whatever you celebrate this time of year. It was just like another day and then you got a week off from school and you just like Puts around. But like, if you want to celebrate those holidays and I think most of you who listen to this podcast and marriage someone who isn't brown like you have like full permission to go as balls Deep doing Christmas or Hanukkah or whatever, but you don't need a reason like you can just have fun. As the brown half of my relationship I am still the queen of Christmas in my half of the relationship my husband literally be like did we get everyone Christmas presents? I'm like, yeah, wrapped them, stocked them. God, I'm ready to go Because I enjoy it and if it brings you joy, fucking do it. Don't let. This is my one big thing. This was like my Mantra this year, kind of sort of, was like, don't let anyone yuck your yum. Like, if it's something that you enjoy, just fucking do it and don't be the guy who, like, puts other people down for finding joy and like the frivolity of life, because that is what makes life fun and worth living. And when you're brown and you were raised by very utilitarian minded parents, like anything that was frivolous or joyful, they, like would immediately knock down a peg and so like, if there's one thing you can Unlearn and undo a mindset around, it's that don't yuck other people's yum and don't do it to yourself. Let yourself have fun, create whatever silly holiday traditions you want to create, because it just doesn't matter at the end of the day. And even if you know you're just an adult or you're single, or maybe you married someone else who is Hindu or Muslim and and Christmas isn't such a big thing for you, then, like, make it what you want. If you want to do Holiday things, do it. If you want to cancel everything and use it as an excuse to go on vacation, do that. And even if you are someone who is part of a family that does like your standard American holiday things, you can participate in however way you want.

Speaker 1: 5:58

I'm a Pinterest bitch. I enjoy doing ridiculous things like putting up two Christmas trees in the living room and Doing all the Christmas decorating with my mother-in-law, and I literally spent yesterday Personalizing the ribbon on the gift boxes with people's names that I ironed onto the ribbon. I have zero regrets. I'm extremely happy with that decision. It looks great and it's a fun little touch. And yes, I make my husband wear Christmas pajamas. And yes, every year I buy myself a new pair of Christmas pajamas. Shout out to Target. I got a really cute Valor set of like red Valor Fancy pajamas and there are no regrets. I'm very happy with it and I enjoy it.

Speaker 1: 6:42

So do what makes you happy, do the things that bring you joy. And If you want to be someone who wholeheartedly embraces a culture you may not have been raised with, but guess what? If you grow up in America, you can claim Christmas as hard as you want, like you can literally just take it and run, like it is very much a part of American culture. You, if you were born and raised here, you are American and you can take it and give whatever meaning you want to do it. And if you want to ignore all the holiday things, be my guest. If that makes you happy, go for it.

Speaker 1: 7:20

And like one thing I've done that I think has been really helpful because I am a kid who lives in therapy, because she basically doesn't acknowledge any of her emotions well, what a surprise. But I have a card business, which is not a secret around here, and Obviously I sell Christmas cards. But it's also an excuse for me to be a card sender. And because I don't express my emotions to people's faces, especially like when people mean a lot to me, like I just will never tell them and assume they know Cards have been a nice way for me to like write down what people mean to me and how important they are to me and my life, and it's more comfortable because I'm writing it down on a card and sending it instead of like having this like deep, intense conversation with someone. And it's been a great way to connect with people. And I've only done it for the last like year or two. Like I'll send Gallantine's day cards, I send birthday cards, all of it, and it's just like a little something that has really helped me be able to like Be a little more open with the people who I'm closest with, and, speaking of people you are closest with, if you have found family, that is family this time of year.

Speaker 1: 8:40

I think the thing that makes it so stressful for some people is that, like being around family, especially because you don't choose those people, can be like a real pain in the ass, especially when you're brown and Pro tip. If you don't want to be around some people, especially like your half of the family, like for me, whenever my Antenocles or parents invite me to something and I don't want to go, my new life hack has been saying that, oh, michael doesn't want to go, or Michael can't go, and because brown people think I am my husband's property and that he owns Me and makes all of the decision-making about my life, I was like, oh, I could play that game. So instead of coming up with an excuse to not go, I just say Michael doesn't want to go, or like Michael can't do it, and it's like, well, I'm clearly incapable of getting in a car and showing up to an event on my own right, so like, guess I won't be there. It's a very Helpful little life hack I have learned to use this year repeatedly. And no one asks questions like again, my family thinks I'm my husband's property. So they're like okay, yeah, like we totally understand.

Speaker 1: 9:56

Like Michael, you know, doesn't want to be here, or like Michael's busy, so I guess you guys won't be there, and at the same time, they don't judge him for it. Like if I said I didn't want to go because I don't want to be there, they'd be like you're a shitty person, like what do you mean? We're famous, blah, blah, blah. But when it's Michael, they're okay, yeah, totally. Jammai said like no, okay, it's a great life hack. I just like totally use their own mentality against them and it makes me feel really proud of myself. But, yeah, if you have found family, whether that's friends, whether it's here in-laws, whoever it might be, just like I said in my found family episode those people count.

Speaker 1: 10:33

And If the holidays are super like negative and stressful, then change something about them. They shouldn't be and you are absolutely, 100% not obligated to be around anybody. Okay, you really aren't. Like, if you don't get along with your in-laws, you don't have to see them, or you can like decide in what capacity you want to be a part of that Part of your life, or you can just hang out with all new people. That's fine too.

Speaker 1: 11:03

I think the older I get, the more I just have like fewer and fewer fucks to give. And I think also, the older I get, the more obvious it becomes that like I Do way too much like people pleasing where I'm just like, oh, but their family, oh, but like I'm their older sister, I'm, you know, I have to be there for them, blah, blah, blah. And like for me. I have more issues with my family and like Now that I'm 31, michael and I I'm gonna be 31 Michael and I have been married now for five years and I think for a really long time. The fact that my family got on board With me marrying him and at all like my aunts and uncles getting on board and like embracing him.

Speaker 1: 11:53

I Kept using that as like, oh, but they love me, like they've done so much for me, like I, I and now I'm now obligated to like do all these things for them and it's like wait, they did like one nice thing for you, like you don't owe them a lifetime of servitude, like you, especially now, like we're at five years, like the expiration date has well passed, like you do not have to one tolerate their shit and to you know, just be treated like shit by people. Also, the older I get, the more I realize, like how obvious it is that, like Brown girls, like women in our culture are truly like not even seen as people. Like you exist entirely to serve the people around you and Like it's like, it's almost like we've been dehumanized and I think when you're younger you don't Notice it, or like life hasn't gotten that complicated where it isn't slapped in your face yet. But I will tell you, the one thing I learned this year Was, no matter how fucking nice people want to be to you, if you're a girl in South Asian culture, you just don't matter as much to people as the men do and no one gives a shit, and it is honestly fucking exhausting. So I've decided to check out. I Very much have just kind of taken a step back and I'll decide to step back into my family's life when I fucking feel like it. Right now it's pretty much bare minimum and I'm okay with that. I really, really am. But um, that's a. That's been a helpful little change of looking at things and not Feeling like because people did one nice thing for me. I owe them like my whole fucking life and my sanity, because I don't shout out to therapy and my therapist she's amazing Um, what else, what else? Oh, also, because it is the holidays. Whether you celebrate them or not, treat yourself. The sales are great.

Speaker 1: 14:08

Get yourself something you absolutely don't need. Or if somebody asks you like, oh, what do you want for Christmas, tell them, because if you're like me, if I get something I don't want, I'm gonna re-gift it. So you might as well tell them what you want. Just say it whatever it is. If it's someone that you're like, I don't really expect you to get me anything too crazy. Just, I don't know.

Speaker 1: 14:29

I throw Starbucks gift card on and honestly telling people what you want makes everyone's lives easier, because Then they also don't have to think about it. They're like oh, I'll get her something I know she'll like and also, you can stop being a people pleaser me like oh, I don't need anything, you don't have to get me anything else. Like whatever, whatever you want. Like I, I'm not picky. Yes, you are, be picky, you're allowed to be picky, it's fine. What else, what else? But, yeah, also, don't just be picky, but treat yourself.

Speaker 1: 15:01

The sales are great, go buy or something. It's cool, why not? Don't feel bad about it. That is one thing I think I've gotten Kind of better at. I don't know. I mean I still feel guilty about literally doing anything for myself, but I'm like a step above that, so like a little better. You know, I'm gonna get myself credit for that and also make your own holiday rules.

Speaker 1: 15:27

I said this before, but you can literally do whatever you want. It's fine. If you want to spend Christmas Eve getting drunk at a bar with all your friends, do that. If you want to go on vacation the whole end of the year, do that. What else? Ooh, letting go of the past. This was this is an interesting one, because I've said it a thousand times on this podcast.

Speaker 1: 15:54

But brown people will hold grudges until the end of time. They will pass their grudge onto their children and they will literally have. You ever listen to brown people? Like, if, like, maybe your parent has a problem with some other person in your community, they will not only Like judge that person, they will also talk shit about their children, like, oh, I don't like them because they did this one thing to me, so now we also don't like their kids, and their kids must also be shitty people.

Speaker 1: 16:27

And I'm like what kind of Asinine projection bullshit is that? Ignore it, just move on. If, first of all, 99% of things in my head, I'm just like is it that serious? Most of the time it's not. Most of the time it's not that serious, and if it is, then do something about it. You can decide to talk to someone and have an uncomfortable conversation. You can choose to step back and step away from a situation if you're not interested, and you can decide like I just need a pause from you, I, and maybe we'll table this for later and my table this. I mean, we're just gonna forget about it because Sometimes it's just not even worth it. You know, you're allowed to just let things go.

Speaker 1: 17:14

That is the best thing about the end of the year when people start reflecting. When I start having a mental breakdown because I'm not just reflecting on the year my birthday is January 2nd. There is no getting past the like yearly Reflection montage agenda of the internet and being reminded that I'm a year older and then feeling like I should have a mental breakdown about it. I'm gonna try not to have one this year and I have to say being 30 has been phenomenal. I highly recommend your 30s way better than your 20s. So I'm gonna try not to have a mental breakdown this year, but we'll see, we'll see. But I will say it's definitely better than my 20s.

Speaker 1: 17:58

Like anything I'm upset about in my 30s is Honestly cakewalk compared to the things that would make me upset in my 20s. Have to say, it's cuz I'm like way too confident in myself Maybe not way too, maybe appropriately confident in myself. I just like don't have time for anyone's bullshit anymore and I don't care. Like I don't even care who you are to me. Like in my life it's. We've just like reached that point of like oh Okay, like you know what it is, I think was it my therapist? Somebody said to me they were like believe who someone is the first time they show you and it's like and this is where I think I've spent a lot of time Justifying people treating me poorly With like oh, they're a family, or oh, they're whatever, or oh, they're just young, and now it's just like no, actually You're just a shitty person. So like that has been helpful. And in my head I'm always like you can fix ugly on the outside, but you can't fix ugly on the inside. So when people show you they're ugly on the inside. Accept that and Take it for what it is. Okay, and maybe that makes me judgy, but it's working in my favor, let's see. Saying no to invites we already talked about that. I have a list again. If this seems like I'm reading off of something, it's cuz I tried to take notes. Definitely say no to invites of things you don't want to go to. It's fine. Turn the world off. This is so.

Speaker 1: 19:34

One of my best life decisions Mike and I made was at the end of the year. We just like turn everything off and dip out. Like we leave and we go on like a mini staycation in one of our favorite places and Like we go to the same town, we stay at the same place. We pretty much will eat at the same places there because it's like a tiny little town and we turn everything off. We just like check out. Like no work, emails, no, whatever I mean. Like if we have to keep tabs on things, like we will, like my you know, online business never turns off, so like I Will occasionally check in to make sure like shit hasn't hit the fan, but like 99% of it, like we check out and it's a vacation that you don't have to think about because we don't have to plan anything. It's like same place, same town, same place. We stay, just do it. And having like a mindless trip like that, that is always at the end of the year Brilliant life decision.

Speaker 1: 20:34

I mean Great for our relationship, great for us, and I get. If you have like kids and actual responsibilities, that's different. But like when you're a dink like me, that a dink is double income, no kids, and that is Currently my favorite phrase to use. But also the TikTok trend is hilarious. So this is where I throw in we're dinks. We go on last-minute trips by ourselves at the end of the year because we don't need a nanny and it's a vibe. It's a good life decision.

Speaker 1: 21:05

All right, what else we got? Have fun. I'm gonna say it over and over again have fun. Do all the things you want to go all in on Christmas. Do that you don't want to celebrate Christmas. Do that, whatever it is, as long as it makes you happy. And I personally have chosen the route of enjoying the holidays because I do have fun with it and I'm crafty and I like doing puzzles and I like Christmas lights and I like being cozy and Reading too many books and being anti-social, and so I basically build my holidays around that, which has been great because that's what brings me joy. And if it brings you joy to do the opposite, do that. And, honestly, that has been my best life hack.

Speaker 1: 21:58

This year was like, if I just don't like fully embracing that, I am like a cozy indoor person, like, yes, I love being adventurous and outdoorsy in the summer, but come the Burr month October, november, december I don't want to go outside. I don't want to stay out late, I don't want to party like when you know people have FOMO. I Don't have FOMO. I have joy in missing out, don't invite me. I want to stay at home in my fuzzy socks and read my book and drink fancy tea and hang out with my dog and I have fully accepted that part of who I am as a person and I don't care if people want to call me boring. I don't care if people want to call me lame, because these are the things that I enjoy and I'm actually very happy with it. Like, reading a good book has never made me upset, but going out and being out till one in the morning with a hangover the next day, trust me that I've been regrets multiple times, but I have never regretted staying in, taking a bath and reading a book and, honestly, if I could do that every weekend, I would. It's fine, so that's been.

Speaker 1: 23:16

The best part about being 30 is just like unapologetically, like Enjoying the things I enjoy and not caring what anybody thinks about it. I think there was a tech talk sound that was like being your 30s are basically Falling back in love with the things you loved when you were a teenager, but without the shame or embarrassment. And that is exactly my life. Like I've been a dorky book obsessed, like Nerd my entire teenage life. Like I literally dressed up for the Twilight book releases and had book parties with my friends and Harry Potter was my whole personality. And like I tried so hard not to like Make that obvious. I'm sure I failed at it, but I did. And now I just like shamelessly, like don't care, I'm like, no, I'm a book person and I'm an indoor person and yeah, it's just what it is. So I highly recommend my 30s for that sole purpose alone, as you get to like fall in love with your younger self. But like, unapologetically, it's been great.

Speaker 1: 24:26

But yeah, this is kind of a rambly, ranty, borderline, directionless episode, but I Just want you to know that it's that time of year that you really should just make it what you want and do the things you want, because everyone is most of us are off of work and you should just take this time and try to Make it what you want, whether it's high-key, low-key, quiet party, whatever. Do it and be proud of yourself, because you made it through another year and life is messy, so I'm sure your year wasn't perfect, because nobody's year was perfect and ignore everyone the internet that is sitting there being like oh my god, my life is a perfect. All the time they're lying. Okay, that's all. Have a wonderful, wonderful end of the year, enjoy the holidays, do all of the things and I will see you guys in January, at the ripe old age of 31. I'm not old, but I will be 31. Okay, see you soon. Bye.

Speaker 1: 25:32

Thanks so much for tuning in guys. Make sure, if you enjoyed this episode, you leave us a review on iTunes. You can find the show on all major streaming platforms. You can find me on Instagram at Disha dot Mazeppa. You can shop my Etsy shop Disha Mazeppa designs. Find out everything you want to know about this show at Disha Mazeppacom and if you or someone you know would like to be a guest, you can email BWPS Podcast at gmailcom and I'll see you guys next time. Bye, this podcast is hosted and produced by Disha Mazeppa. Music for the show was created by Craigswell.