A South Asian Parent's Guide to Interracial Relationships

This episode is meant to be shared with parents who are willing to listen that might need a little pep talk to understand what their child is trying to make them understand. An imperfect attempt at explaining. 

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:08

Hi everyone, welcome back to, but what Will People Say? I'm your host, disha Mazzappa, and this is a South Asian Insuritial Relationship and Lifestyle podcast. Welcome back for another episode. Hi, everyone, welcome back to the show. Happy New Year, starting off the year strong.

Speaker 1: 0:24

This is a solo episode, but it is definitely one of the most requested episodes, I think, ever more than the how Do I Tell my Parents is an episode catered to Indian or South Asian parents to help them understand our decisions and choices and help them come around to our point of view. So if you are listening to this episode, share it with your mom or dad and if you feel like they're willing to listen, then this might be helpful. And if you are a parent tuning in, hi, welcome to. But what Will People Say? My name's Disha and I'm the host of this show, and if your child is sending you this episode, I hope you know it's coming from a place of love and that they are trying to help you understand their decision to date or marry someone outside of the Indian or South Asian culture, and that this is just an attempt to help you understand and that's it. Hopefully you can go into it and listen to it with an open mind and I'm going to try my best to explain as much as I can or at least give you some of their perspective, as a kid who went through it and is now 31 years old, so not so much a kid. So, without further ado, let's get to it. Hi, everybody, welcome, moms and dads, if you're listening, before I get into today's episode, I want to tell you guys, if you're tuning in and you've never heard the show before, about me.

Speaker 1: 2:10

I'm 31 years old, my name is Disha. I was born in Nausari, india. I'm Gujarati and then I moved here when I was little, around like four years old, and I grew up here in the United States. I live in New Jersey and my husband, who I've been married to for five years, is American. He's white, his grandparents are from Italy and Ukraine, but for all intents and purposes he's pretty much American and that's why I do this show. The show is catered to other Indian or South Asian kids who are dating outside the culture and are trying to figure it out as well as balancing their own Indian or South Asian heritage. So that's a little bit about me and why I do the show.

Speaker 1: 2:57

But if your child sent you this episode specifically, it's probably because you know that they're dating someone who isn't Indian or South Asian I use that term interchangeably and they're probably trying their best to explain it to you and are having a hard time. So I made this episode because it has been so, so highly requested, because what you have to understand is that your kids are not trying to make you upset, that your son or daughter is extending an olive branch and trying to help you see their perspective by sending you this episode and hopefully it helps a little bit. And I told my parents and let me tell you, if your kids told you they have been thinking about telling you this for so long, they've probably lost sleep over it and probably more than that Over. How do I tell my parents Do you know how often I get that question? Like 10 times a day? How do I tell my parents, how do I tell my parents that my boyfriend, my girlfriend, whoever is not Indian Right, listen, they were, they probably still are so scared of how you're going to react. And it's because they love you, because obviously what you think and you know feel matters to them. It's not because they're trying to make you upset or trying to bring shame on your family or tear apart your home or whatever you might think that they're trying to do. And again, like this is coming out of my head. But I feel like for a lot of us, we tell our parents and they don't react well, and it just makes the whole situation so much more stressful and the first thing you have to get is, like I want you to think about, like, why did you come to this country?

Speaker 1: 4:57

Like, wherever you live the UK, canada, australia, america, wherever you are when you came to that country right, you picked up everything. You were probably younger than we are and you started over and you came here because you wanted to have a better life for your family. But the thing is, if you want them to have a different or better life than you, you have to let them make different choices. Otherwise the outcomes will be the same and, yes, our culture is really good at wanting things to always be the same. But if you've lived in whatever country you're in for a while, you know that change isn't the worst thing. You've probably watched your own peers, your siblings or the people in your community grow and adapt to the culture that they're living in, and the thing you have to remember is your kids are both cultures they're Indian and they're American, their Bangladesh and their Canadian, their Punjabi and and British, like whatever culture there, their combination of both, and they're gonna make choices based on the fact that they have two cultures, not just one, and they're not trying to throw their culture away by bringing home someone who isn't the same there. This is just the world they live in and they probably didn't just pick some random person off the street.

Speaker 1: 6:28

To be quite honest, I think one thing we have to remember is I understand the like low-key, a kahengi. What will people say? What are other people gonna think if I let my son or my daughter Marry this other person? And here's the reality. It's gonna be interesting for three minutes and then everybody's gonna move on, it's gonna be fine and, if anything, it might even Open up your eyes to seeing that maybe we should worry less about what other people will say. Think about how much that one saying has Controlled every aspect of decision-making in our community and in our culture, and how often has it really worked out? Realistically, let's think about this has it worked out? Sometimes it does, but you also have to look around at people, your own agent. What didn't work out? If you want to make change, if you want things to change, you have to make different decisions.

Speaker 1: 7:28

And when your child told you about this person, they didn't just make a decision based on what other people would think. They've probably been talking to or dating this person For more than you probably know. I didn't tell my parents about my at-the-time boyfriend for over three years, and you know why. It Wasn't great, because it means they're trying to make decisions about someone in a tunnel Because they're so scared to tell you they're dating someone that they can't even come to you for advice. They can't say, hey, what do you think? Or hey, we got into an argument like I don't know how to fix this. Or you know, maybe things are going great and they want to share their joy with you, like You're.

Speaker 1: 8:15

First of all, your kids are not kids anymore, they're adults. We just have to come to terms with that. Their adults and they didn't. They want to be able to come to you and talk to you about these things and I get, our culture does not Allow for that, depending on the relationship you have with your kids. But if you want that, if you want the kind of relationship where your kids can come talk to you and be open with you and not have to keep everything a secret and I'm sure you did some of that when you were a kid too, because you couldn't tell your parents things, and you have to remember how incredibly stressful it is and unhelpful when it comes to building a bond between two people, whether it's between you and your kid or anybody else. So please keep that in mind and if the thing would trust is that, would you rather they lie to you just so you can live in ignorant bliss and act like, oh my, you know, my kid is perfect and they're doing exactly what I say all the time, when in reality they might not be telling you because it's not worth the hassle? Or would you rather be able to trust your kid and have that open discussion and leave your judgment at the door and have the conversation and be open to the things that maybe they do, like date someone not South Asian, that makes you uncomfortable but be able to have that open dialogue, and I want to think that Brown parents have come far enough to be able to have that conversation and I understand not all of them have. They're probably not even listening to this episode. So if you're still listening, congratulations. You're probably ahead of the game in terms of trying to have an open relationship with your kids. What else there's the whole like?

Speaker 1: 10:08

So what I always try to tell people on this show is the way you control people is through shame and through fear. So think of how often the what will people say? Mentality is just a way to create shame in people so you can control them. So if I shame my daughter into thinking she's a terrible person for dating someone who's white, black, hispanic, whatever, then I'll be able to control her. If that's the mindset you have, we really need to Think about that.

Speaker 1: 10:42

Okay, we just can't do that anymore because it impacts them in more ways than you can possibly imagine. It will impact them even the day they leave your house, because one day they will, one day they're going to leave with whoever they marry, or if they choose to move out and live on their own, whatever it is, one day they will leave. And do you want them to leave carrying the shame you put on them Because you wanted them to carry that, or do you want them to leave going into the world feeling good about themselves, feeling confident that they can take on life's obstacles and whatever the world throws at them, because the world is always changing. You know that. You're older than me, you know that, and if we don't learn to change the adapt, then you don't survive. That's just basic science, basically, and I understand, like my parents had an arranged marriage, my aunts and uncles all had an arranged marriage. You probably had an arranged marriage and and there's comfort in the but again, we can't create change without changing the path. And just you know I love like Indian parents. They love saying like well, we know we don't get divorced.

Speaker 1: 12:04

White people get divorced. Do you not get divorced? Or have you made it such a shameful thing to get divorced that people would rather stay in an unhealthy marriage, stay in a marriage that is, you know there's abuse, there's neglect, there's all these things that we're just hiding to put on a brave face and say everything's perfect. Nobody in our culture gets divorced. Like, look around, you don't forget, forget the kids. Look around at your peers that are your age, somewhere between the ages of like 40 and 60, probably. Like how many of them do you think? Or just putting on a face and acting like everything's perfect and not being able to have genuine and authentic Relationships because we're busy hiding the darker parts of our relationships like. That's not. You're not in survival mode anymore.

Speaker 1: 12:58

Like you came to this country. You made it. You probably own a beautiful home, you have this beautiful family and you've done so many incredible things. You move to the other side of the planet and your kids Are so proud of you for doing that. But you, you have to let them also make the choices in their life to live it.

Speaker 1: 13:18

And the one big difference is Indian people. We have arranged marriages and when you live in a Western culture like America, love is very different. Marriage is different. Nowadays, kids get married because they want to find the person they love and and go right off into the sunset with them, right, and it's different than what you had. You probably didn't have a choice in who you married, or maybe you had like two or three options and you asked them a couple questions and then in two weeks you got married right and you made it work. You tried your best. No one gave you a guidebook, no one told you how to do it, but you made it work. Right. You have this beautiful family, but your kids are going on a different route. They found someone they love, that they trust, that they think brings out the best in them. And it can be scary because it's different, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. It doesn't mean that they don't love you or that they don't want to take any of the values you've instilled in them.

Speaker 1: 14:24

Like, let's say, no Indian kid is a complete disaster. Have you met a single brown kid that hasn't made it in life? Like you guys raise kids who are hard-working and resilient and Don't give up, who are so smart I mean we win every spelling bee. Like, tell me someone who hasn't won the spelling bite or who has won the spelling bee that isn't brown. Like you guys did that. You made that happen and we are Succeeding. So like don't think you raise kids who couldn't make decisions for themselves.

Speaker 1: 14:57

Like if your kid can get into a great university or be a doctor, or maybe they're a teacher or an artist or a musician and they're still succeeding, and you have to trust that they can make decisions that aren't just like random, thoughtless choices. Like they thought about this and they were scared to tell you and they want to be able to tell you things. They want you to trust them. They don't want to throw you out of their lives. Like none of us Wake up in the morning, we're like I can't wait to never talk to my parents again, and if your child does, something has gone severely wrong and Maybe you need to look in the mirror. I'm gonna be very upfront about that, because there are. But trust me, I've been hosting this show for nearly 200 episodes and there are definitely people who can't wait to never talk to their parents again, but you're probably not one of those parents.

Speaker 1: 15:53

If your child felt comfortable enough To send you this episode in an attempt to help you understand their choices, then you probably aren't a parent who isn't at least willing to listen. And here's the thing just because they marry someone from a different culture doesn't mean it's gonna be a failure. It means it's gonna be something different. They're probably gonna have a combination of multiple cultures and If you want them to see succeed, you have to be supportive. Like if you're gonna say, oh, you're dating someone who's white and now your kids aren't gonna speak the language, well, you can say that. Or you can be a supportive grandparent. When those when your child has kids, you can be the grandparent that helps those kids learn the language or teaches them how to make Shocker with Lee or Dosa or some osa. Whatever you want to make, okay. You can be that supportive parent and that can be the route you choose.

Speaker 1: 16:48

Or you can be the parent who's just busy Trashing their kid, telling them they're a failure, making them feel bad about who they date, and Then you won't have any semblance of a relationship that is functional with your kids. Instead I you will end up having kids who will quite simply tolerate you, and some of them might even choose to stop doing that, and I don't think that's what you want. It's not what I want. It's not what your kids want, if they're sending you this because they want to preserve what they have with you and they want you to listen to them quite frankly and actually hear them. Actually hear them when they say I Trust this person, this person loves me, this guy or girl I'm bringing home has brought so much into my life that has the same values as me, and that that's why they're bringing them home.

Speaker 1: 17:42

Let's be honest most of us were not raised in households where we could just bring home a boyfriend and girlfriend and Mom and dad would be okay with that, and that's okay. Listen, that's fine, we get it. So when we build up the courage to bring this person into our lives and tell you an attempt to bring you into this part of our lives and introduce you to this person who is so important to us, it's because we're pretty positive about who that person is. And the only way you can make the decision about someone's character if they're gonna take care of your son or daughter, if they're gonna be good to you is by meeting them, by talking to them, by being open-minded and being willing to have a conversation. That isn't gonna be perfect, but as long as you keep having the conversation, you Can still make progress towards getting to know them and being more comfortable with your child's decision.

Speaker 1: 18:45

And if you have questions like, what about your kids? What about religion? What about this part of the culture that means so much to you, then ask them. Your kids want to have this Conversation. They just don't know how. But you can't start throwing at them that they're a bad person or they're ruining your life or they're, you know, destroying your reputation. Like you cannot attack them, like that's just not conducive to a conversation. But if you have real concrete questions, ask them the things you can't ask quite frankly, or like when are you getting married? That's always the first question.

Speaker 1: 19:24

I feel like a lot of Indian parents. You bring someone home. It's when are you getting married? And it's like let's start with baby steps. Like first we're getting upset, this person is an Indian and now the immediate response is get married. Like, how does that solve anything? Like just because they signed a legal piece of paper doesn't mean that Everything's perfect. And now you know we have. We don't have to tell people that our daughter is dating instead of married. Like, if marriage is such an important value In South Asian culture which it is, and we understand that then shouldn't you go about the process of vetting someone your child is bringing home with a little more Effort than just when are you getting married? Like, ask them questions, have conversation, have them over for lunch or dinner. I highly doubt your child is dating someone who doesn't want to try Indian food. People love Indian food. It's like basically mainstream now, and yeah, you might have to make it a little less spicy, it's possible, but guess what? Have them over, have lunch, have a conversation.

Speaker 1: 20:34

I promise all those fears and anxieties about this person you made up in your head. Most of them will not come to fruition. They're probably just like a normal person with, like a job. And another thing about the jobs I get it. Indian people are obsessed with raising doctors. But being a doctor will not make you happy. Okay, and I get it. It's a frivolous question for our generation to ask. Oh, we just want to be happy. And it's such a privilege to ask that question about our own lives because you guys work so hard and made so many sacrifices so we can sit here and worry about being happy. I get it, but that's just where we're at.

Speaker 1: 21:12

So, if you like, you just have to understand that like there's nothing we can change about, like the fact that we want to marry someone who makes us happy and loves us and all that. And you know what Some people in a range marriages did find that. But here's the other thing. Here's what we're not going to do. You cannot force them to do something they don't want to do. You can't force them into an arranged marriage. You can't ignore when they bring someone to you and say, hey, this is the person I love. Just because you don't like them doesn't mean you can ignore them, because, again, now you're shutting down the bridge of communication Communication to a street. You have to leave it open. Your child is trying to leave it open and you can't just make it disappear. You have to face it. We cannot brush it under the rug, we cannot ignore it. We can't just force your kid to get married to someone else just to say, oh, they married someone just like us. If you love your child, if you care about them and their well-being, why would you make a throwaway decision like that just to save face? You wouldn't. So just have the discussion, meet the boyfriend or the girlfriend and make it so that your child can succeed.

Speaker 1: 22:35

Don't make this this horrifically stressful and emotionally draining situation. It doesn't have to be A lot of times in these situations. The reason it becomes such a pain and I hate to be that person is because mom and dad aren't handling it well. Because mom and dad are mad, they're angry, they're taking it out on their child, they're yelling at them, they're calling them terrible things, telling them that they're useless or they're bringing shame on the family or that they're an embarrassment. None of us are trying to do that, because that's how we want you to feel about us and the thing is.

Speaker 1: 23:17

It's not your kid's job to tolerate it either, because if you start doing that and you keep doing it the whole, you're killing me, you're ruining my life. It's not about you, I'm sorry, it's just not about you. It's about your kid's happiness. And if you keep doing it, I promise you that bridge of communication will shut down Eventually. They will stop talking and eventually you will be cut off either from the communication point or from just having a healthy relationship. Do you want to be someone your kid just tolerates when they have to, or someone that your kids want to be around and want to bring their grandkids around to? That's what you have to ask.

Speaker 1: 23:56

The way you react to this is 100% your choice and you 100% get to decide how you want to move forward with this. You have to think about that, because if you don't and you just let this become just like this point of contention that you won't get over, it's not going to mean that your child's going to break up with that person or they're going to stop talking to them or they're going to leave it. They're just going to stop telling you about it. That's the only way this goes. It doesn't mean they just start listening to you because, at the end of the day, your kids are going to make their own choices. They're going to pick their own careers. They're hopefully going to pick the person they marry or where they live, or whatever.

Speaker 1: 24:42

You have to trust that you raise kids that can make those choices and do it without having to control every facet of their existence because they're adults now. They're not kids. They're adults, most likely in their mid to late 20s. Maybe they're in their 30s. You need to let them make their choices and you can either choose to be supportive about it or you could not Just know that they're trying their best to have this discussion with you.

Speaker 1: 25:08

And just because they're not Indian doesn't mean they're going to get divorced, doesn't mean it's not going to work out. No one can tell you what's going to happen. I can't tell you what's going to happen. Your kids can't tell you. No one can predict the future.

Speaker 1: 25:22

But at least if we go into it being supportive and open-minded, you can give it a chance of being successful and also having a better relationship with your kids, who feel like they can tell you things, because, while I think my parents' generation made a lot of sacrifices and did so much to give a better life to their kids. There are so many things that they just don't seem to want to change or adjust, and I think this is one of the biggest ones. I mean, why else does this podcast exist if there weren't thousands of kids out there who didn't have a parent to tell about their relationship? So they're seeking it from a 31-year-old girl in New Jersey. Think about it. Be the parent that your kids can talk to. It will make all the difference, and I promise it's going to be okay. And don't worry about what other people think, because you know what All the kids are doing it these days. That's the new trend. We're just going to call it a trend dating someone who's not brown. But that's all I have. I hope this was helpful. I don't want this to be too long and I hope you can understand where your kids are coming from and go into it with an open mind. Thanks, thanks so much for tuning in guys. Make sure, if you enjoyed this episode, you leave us a review on iTunes.

Speaker 1: 26:37

You can find this show on all major streaming platforms. You can find me on Instagram at Deeshamazeppa. You can shop my Etsy shop, deesha Mazeppa Designs. Find out everything you want to know about this show at Deeshamazeppacom and if you or someone you know would like to be a guest, you can email bwpspodcast at gmailcom. And I'll see you guys next time. Bye. This podcast is hosted and produced by Deesha Mazeppa. The project for the show was created by Crackswell.