Money and Self Worth

Overspending to overcompensate or not investing in ourselves because we feel like we’re not worth it? Siddhi joins me to answer this submission from the BWWPS Anon Box. 

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:08

Hi everyone, welcome back to, but what Will People Say? I'm your host, disha Mazzappa, and this is a South Asian Insuritial Relationship and Lifestyle podcast. Welcome back for another episode. Hi everybody, welcome back to the show.

Speaker 1: 0:21

So this week's episode is another one from the Anonymous Submission Box. As always, it's down in the show notes. If you want to submit anything, I will try to get through them and answer as many as I can. This week's episode is about kind of what will people say? But from a standpoint of spending your money in order to like keep up appearances and make people or your family think that you've made it. This was submitted a little while ago, so let's get to it. Okay, so this person submitted. They said how to avoid spending too much just to prove to your parents that you've quote unquote made it, while you're really just seeking their approval or just love with a little sad face. Yeah, it's rough, dude, it's hard out there. I did ask the people, the listeners of the show, to provide some feedback, and I also brought my friend, sid the on, so we'll try to give you some answers. And this person is in their 30s. Alrighty, welcome back, sid. Hi, so what do you think?

Speaker 2: 1:40

So I'm trying to figure out. Like you know how Indian people are very stingy, so why does this person have to.

Speaker 1: 1:49

That was my initial thought. I'm like my parents wish I didn't spend any money ever. They would rather I live like as frugally as possible. But I guess there is that demographic of South Asians too that are very like externally, like not motivated, but like it's very much keeping up appearances.

Speaker 2: 2:11

Or do you think it's like not your parents, but like society right? Like how much money you make. Like so and so's uncles and sister will find out. Or like how big the house you buy or the car you drive, Like your parents don't want you to spend the money, but they want you to have it?

Speaker 1: 2:31

Right, you know. Yeah, like you know, I feel like there's the stereotype of like. When I think of someone who cares about these things, I think of like the brown fuck boys out there. It's like you drive a beamer, you own a lot of hair gel, you probably live in the city and you have five roommates, but you live in like a $6,000 a month like apartment. So that's how it's like. You have the appearance of like this, like crazy life in the city, you've got this like fancy car, but it's like you have six roommates.

Speaker 2: 3:00

Yeah, exactly, you don't have an apartment, you have a brothel. We never, we never, what is this? But we never hear about the other six, right, yeah? Or the other five. You have a penthouse suite.

Speaker 1: 3:10

Yeah, you have penthouse suite that has a million people in it. But I think, yeah, there's a but. There is like that aspirational thing. It's hard because with social media, there's the pressure of like living this certain type of lifestyle. And then within South Asian culture, of course, it's like, oh well, this person has a nicer car, like you said, or a nicer house. But the way I see it is with South Asians, it's like well, they're going to judge you, no matter what. You could literally own Buckingham Palace, and they'll be like, oh, but like, that woman died in it, so why did you buy it?

Speaker 2: 3:50

Like they'll find something you know. Yeah, or it's not big enough, right Like. Or why don't you have two?

Speaker 1: 3:55

Right, well, like I have the castle in Scotland.

Speaker 2: 3:58

So it's better You've got one. So-and-so's daughter has two.

Speaker 1: 4:04

Therefore, yeah, and the thing is like they will find like the dumbest way to one up you or judge you for it. It's like when you go to a wedding and the aunties that are talking shit in the back like, oh, her dress isn't that nice, or like, oh, my daughter in law's dress was nicer, or our decorations were more expensive, and it's just like bro who?

Speaker 2: 4:21

gives a shit, but it's like happens at the time when they're like devouring the food that you're paying for and you're like, yeah, and complaining, yeah, exactly. They're like this food sucks and they're like what Doesn't? Because you're on third plate, auntie, does it look like that?

Speaker 1: 4:36

Yeah, for real, no, but in seriousness, I think the big point here is that you know, you are aware that the person who wrote this was aware that they might just be seeking their parents approval or their love. And it's just hard because we do like our parents. It's conditional love, I would say that yeah. But as I've gotten older, what's made it easier is like it's never going to be enough, but that's so freeing, exactly.

Speaker 2: 5:04

Because you're like then all that matters is whether you think it's enough, which also is difficult as being I don't know if you feel the same way as a brown girl. You're like is this enough? Is this enough? I'm happy, but is this really enough?

Speaker 1: 5:18

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, and I think that's where that feeling of not being enough is. That's so real, live with it every day. My self-worth is working on it, even, like it comes through in my relationship and stuff. Or like constantly asking Michael like do you still love me? Like it's like do you think I'm a good wife? And he's like yeah, I'm like, but like what do I do that makes me a good wife? And he's like you're just yourself. And I was like wow, that's all. That's all it takes right.

Speaker 2: 5:49

Right, because then you're just like oh, do you still love me after? Like a fighter? He's like. He's like we fought about which pack of seltzer to buy. Yeah, like you're really gonna ask that now.

Speaker 1: 6:01

This isn't the hill I die on. Yeah, no, but it's real. Like I think it's so hard when our culture raises us to have such little self-worth and then it starts to come out in these bizarre ways and like tendencies of like oh Well, now I have to buy the Louis Vuitton bag and the BMW and the, the really nice house with the big Driveway, and yeah, and even then, even when you have those things, you won't be happy because you won't feel like it's enough.

Speaker 2: 6:32

Yeah, definitely, because then it's just like gets bigger and bigger and bigger and once you accomplish and that's what's what's like destination happiness, right, it's like I'll be happy when, I'll be happy if and you get there and you realize maybe you're not you know, cuz it never had to do with any of those places or things. Yeah, and I think that this person unfortunately probably struggles with like their parents and and they're like constant comparison to other things in life or what it should be, you know, and your 30s as hard too, is because that's when you're like trying to figure out how to, what to do with your money. You're right, you're trying to figure out like how much to save, how much a budget, what you really want to buy, what you really want in life.

Speaker 1: 7:11

Yeah, and then if you really spend the money, you'll you'll hear the other side of oh well, why did you spend all that money?

Speaker 1: 7:17

You shouldn't have yeah, so you're gonna lose either way. So let's separate our self-worth from the money we spend, that's, and we can spend it on therapy, I guess, to unpack it. But no, but like, seriously, it'll always be something like you could literally I've said this before like brown girls could like have a PhD, be a NASA astronaut, solve world hunger, and their parents will be like but you're not married, so who cares?

Speaker 2: 7:43

no hundred percent, you know. Or they look down there like, unfortunately and I'm unfortunately nothing, she's a rocket scientist. I wish I was right. I Probably would dump my boyfriend if I got to be a rocket scientist. Sometimes, yeah, you know, just once in a while every now and then you're like.

Speaker 1: 8:07

Well, apparently Mars is where all the rich people are going now. So if we're gonna try to impress our parents with everything, maybe it's tickets to Mars. But we did ask the pod squad all of you guys who listen to the show For some advice. My favorite one for this question. Someone just wrote tell everyone you're broke. Great response. I like that. Some of you guys have the same like sass level as I do. Like that. Need sure to just like make a joke out of it. Like I say, we're all just funny enough to be comedians, but not institutionalized. Okay. Someone wrote channel towards understanding why you need approval, plus how they're like your parents. Upbringing might affect their parenting and that's the generational trauma. So much of that, because it's true, I think the older I get, the more it's like, oh like, being able to see why the things happen to you that your parents did to you Because of what happened to them and the culture they grew up in yeah.

Speaker 1: 9:19

Which probably makes my guilt worse, because then I feel bad for my parents. But then I have to constantly. My therapist is like yeah, but that doesn't justify what they did to you. Like you're sitting here in therapy trying to like make sure you don't Fuck up your kids because of your own trauma and shit, and your parents just didn't and it's like obviously they are in survival mode, but that still doesn't justify like Exactly, and that's the thing.

Speaker 2: 9:44

You feel bad both ways. You feel bad for them, but you also feel bad for what Happened as a result of what they felt to you.

Speaker 1: 9:54

Yeah, so buy a Gucci bag Shop or, like me, just buy a ton of art supplies and you're like that'll fill the void. That'll do it.

Speaker 2: 10:10

Right, like I'm, spending that money this way makes you happy, then you have to do it, you know, like spending on your art inside of the bag, right? Cuz if you're trying to prove something to someone, you're always gonna be proving it, and what's the point?

Speaker 1: 10:23

That's true you know I would rather have new art supplies than a Gucci bag.

Speaker 2: 10:26

It's probably just as expensive yeah.

Speaker 1: 10:30

Yeah, I mean, I have professional grade, like watercolors and stuff there. They're not cheap, but they are cheaper than a Gucci bag. Very few things that I buy are that expensive because I feel bad about spending money. That's also why this. That's also why this is hard for me to answer because, like, I feel bad about buying myself coffee without a good reason for it.

Speaker 2: 10:47

So Girl doesn't spend money. The reason is like oh, I'm thirsty.

Speaker 1: 10:53

Exactly because.

Speaker 2: 10:54

I felt like it.

Speaker 1: 10:56

Meanwhile my husband walks into places and just like figures out what he can buy, yeah like we'll go to a fucking gas station. He'll walk out with a cup of coffee. I'm like it's, this is a gas station.

Speaker 2: 11:06

Yeah, I wouldn't bring over a bathroom break.

Speaker 1: 11:07

And I'm like, why is Mike A full course meal and has snacks like thank you, yeah, you like whole like walk in, go to the bathroom, like, yeah, I just like picked up some snacks and a coffee. I'm like, but why we have snacks? He's like I don't know. I saw it and I wanted it.

Speaker 2: 11:22

Isn't the ones he wanted.

Speaker 1: 11:25

What else do people say? Find out what your financial goals are to help you understand how you want to spend your money. Financial goals are important. I can't say I have them. I don't pretend to be a perfect person. I do not have financial goals other than like don't be broken, end up on the street. Exactly the goal is these days in this fucking economy is survival make more than you spend right.

Speaker 1: 11:51

Yeah, like don't spend more yeah and I feel like our, our general rule has just been like being able to live off one salary, so like, even though we both work and have incomes, like Knowing that we're not relying.

Speaker 1: 12:07

Yeah, exactly, oh which is getting harder and harder these days, I gotta say but yeah, I think it's. It's hard to be financially literate. It's also incredibly boring. Like I follow that girls that invest account oh, me too, but I have all they. All they talk about is like you have to invest in this portfolio and this thingy and I'm like I just like don't care, like I know I should and I do have a 401k, that's what I was gonna say.

Speaker 2: 12:36

I think about my. My 401k is my Roman Empire Cuz I don't know how much money's in it sometimes. And then I gotta wake up and I'm like, is that's good now? I guess I know.

Speaker 1: 12:46

I know I sit here telling like women to be financially independent, Meanwhile like I Literally just make my husband do it all.

Speaker 2: 12:54

And then and then they look it in there like that's it and I'm like damn, I thought that was good.

Speaker 1: 13:01

Yeah, but like, obviously, like you kind of almost have to picture, like, what do you want your life to look like, because then you can kind of financially plan for that at least to some extent. Like, do you want to spend your money on travel? Do you want to spend it on having a family and kids? Do you whatever that future looks like Outside of what your family told you your future should look like like? If your family is a family that cares a lot about, like what other people think, are they Building that life with the big house and the nice cars and the Whatever? Is that their vision for you, or is it the vision you have for yourself, because those can be very different. Like, maybe you don't want that, you know.

Speaker 2: 13:50

Yeah, exactly like if you don't want the white picket fence and the red door, you know, and like, yeah, okay, that's okay, like you can spend Probably just as much money, you know, and a mortgage or the nice vacation a month, and that's enough, and that's nice and that's fun. You know, it might not be what your parents want, but you know what.

Speaker 1: 14:06

It's like I just want a commune.

Speaker 2: 14:10

With all your friends are connected.

Speaker 1: 14:11

Yes, I just want to buy like a hundred acres and All of our friends we like build our houses on it, so we have some space, but then, like we all live, there are neighbors, and Then we have a dog park. That's what I want to spend my money on Not that I have the money for it, but see, those are my financial goals. So ask yourself, what are your financial goals in terms of what you want your future to look like? And make choices like that and, I think, just accepting that, like our parents, approval and love is not only conditional but basically impossible to get, which, like Sid said, is hard, super freeing, because it's like oh, I'm never gonna make you happy. Well then, I guess I'll just focus on making me happy, because at least I'll win that way.

Speaker 2: 14:55

Exactly, and you also have to think about right, you're in your 30s Like you're gonna do. You really want to live your life the whole way like this, you know, just chasing something for someone else when you don't even care.

Speaker 1: 15:06

Yeah, and things won't make you happy, as cliche as it sounds. Besides, maybe like a jet ski. I feel like a jet ski might make me yeah, they say money can't buy happiness.

Speaker 2: 15:16

But there is a number.

Speaker 1: 15:17

Yeah, I think there's a number where, like financial stability, really buy exactly but Like spending every penny you make just to like prove something to other people is never gonna make you happy and you're always gonna be chasing an unachievable goal. So having your own financial goals Will make that a lot easier. Other people that things they said. They said learn to set your own boundaries around money. What's important to you, think about goals for your own future. So that goes back to the same thing just Having boundaries of what you are willing to spend, and the easiest way to do that is a budget.

Speaker 1: 15:59

Right yeah have a budget and work within that and live within that and don't be ashamed about Maybe not being able to afford the nicest thing right now. I think we live in a world of instant gratification and so people forget that, like Most of us, like did not growing up, did not grow up like going out to eat every night or going out to eat every weekend, even yeah, that's what I was gonna say.

Speaker 2: 16:24

I was, and.

Speaker 1: 16:25

I feel like now like millennials. I see my friends and even like my husband and I. Sometimes I'm like every weekend we go out to dinner at least once and I'm like I Growing up never did. It was a special occasion and even then, like going out on a special occasion was like going to TJ Fridays.

Speaker 2: 16:43

Yeah, and that was like the most magical thing. Yeah, I'm going out to eat like, like Chuck E cheese.

Speaker 1: 16:49

Yeah, that was the jam. It's so weird as an adult to go to Chuck E cheese now. It's so sad. Have you been to one? No, I was so there's one in this town and I like I don't know if I went. I don't know why I went, or maybe it was someone's birthday, like a kid's birthday, and I was like this is the most depressing shit I've ever seen, kid. I'm like this is like Disneyland yeah, magical.

Speaker 2: 17:10

Yeah, it was the most magical event, right, and that's why sometimes, even now, when we go out to eat, like on a random Thursday, like not like having dinner plans, but just being like out, and it's like, oh, do you want to go for dinner somewhere? And I'm like, oh, are we allowed? And I tell myself we have food at home, and my boyfriend's like, yeah, but you know, we're adults, like we can eat that food later. And I'm like, fair, oh, okay. And I'm like still like trying to rationalize it, and I'm like, okay, I think we can do this.

Speaker 1: 17:37

Yeah, for real, I'll still feel bad about it. Yeah, no, literally this week on Thursday I went out to. But yeah, and sometimes I give our moms so much credit where they would work Monday through Friday and cook every night and I'm like I work till seven and I work in my town, so it's not like I have a commute, but you, I get out of work at seven some days I'm like I'm just gonna get some Chipotle, I'm not even gonna try. Yeah, and half the food I eat is definitely like microwave friendly, as much as I love to cook. Yeah, and I meal prep, like I meal prep so I can stick it in the microwave.

Speaker 2: 18:11

Yeah, exactly to make it easier.

Speaker 1: 18:13

Yeah, like I'm not, I'm not. I think about my mom going to work and coming home every night and making like Chakratli Darbat, like all of it.

Speaker 2: 18:22

Every night, Every night, yeah, and I'm like you can't do it for a whole week. I'm like what? But then you have kids like us who are like, oh, I ate it yesterday and now and now, when I have more friends like, oh, um, do you want to eat this? And I'm like I ate this yesterday, Like, or he doesn't want to eat the same thing, and I'm like you want me to make you something.

Speaker 1: 18:42

What do you?

Speaker 2: 18:43

mean there's the freezer, yeah why don't you do that? So I don't know he makes himself look like that yeah right, and that's the other thing right.

Speaker 1: 18:54

We have the benefit of partners who are willing to cook and clean and do stuff. Like you know, michael will text me and he'll be like, oh, do you want to like? We need to start anything for dinner and I'm like our moms didn't really have that.

Speaker 2: 19:08

Yeah, and that was also the thing. Right, they have to do everything from scratch, and they didn't have that at all. And then they had kids too, and I can't even imagine that, you know, and now I'm like, well, I'm, maybe this is the product of their American dream, I don't know. Yeah, I guess.

Speaker 1: 19:25

Yeah, I don't know we're really feeling off topic here, but I feel like that's really it. We just have to separate ourselves from the feeling of spending money to impress other people and creating your own financial goals and painting a picture of your future, of what you want it to look like, and just fuck what everybody else thinks, which is easier said than done in our culture. But hopefully this podcast helps you not give a shit.

Speaker 2: 19:53

Or to realize you're not alone in that. You know, yeah, we're all in it, we get it girl.

Speaker 1: 19:57

So, yeah, hope this was helpful and if you guys want to submit anything in our anonymous submission box, make sure you do that and I will try to get to it, thanks, bye. Thanks so much for tuning in, guys. Make sure if you enjoyed this episode, you leave us a review on iTunes. You can find the show on all major streaming platforms. You can find me on Instagram at Disha dot Mazeppa. You can shop my Etsy shop, disha Mazeppa Designs. Find out everything you want to know about this show at Disha Mazeppa dot com, and if you or someone you know would like to be a guest, you can email bwpspodcast at gmailcom. And I'll see you guys next time. Bye, this podcast is hosted and produced by Disha Mazeppa. Music, for the show was created by Crackswell.