💬Tough Conversations: How to Support Friends Through Fertility Challenges & Hard Times

In today’s episode, we’re diving into how to handle those super tough, emotional conversations like a total boss—whether it’s supporting a friend through something heavy or tackling a sensitive issue head-on.

Let’s be real: it’s not always easy. Sometimes you’re sitting there like, “What do I even say?!” But with the right mindset and tools, you can show up for the people you care about in a way that truly makes a difference.

Here’s what we’re covering:

👭 How to just listen (because sometimes that’s all they need)

👭 Why brushing off their feelings does more harm than good

👭 The art of sharing without making it about you

👭 Asking the right questions to show you care

If you’ve ever felt stuck or unsure about how to support someone—or if you’ve avoided hard conversations because they’re so uncomfortable—this episode is 100% for you.

We’re breaking down the power of compassion, the magic of really listening, and how to show up when it matters most. Trust me, these insights will change the way you approach even the trickiest convos.

As always, please don't forget to hit Subscribe! xxx

Transcript

Unknown: 0:00

Music. Welcome to the mind school, the classroom for your mind and soul, where we design our lives from the inside out. Here you will find a human first approach to life, business and relationships, to create freedom, growth and constant evolution through mindset, emotional intelligence, leadership and connection to self. I'm your host, Breanna may educator, CEO mindset and business mentor, and my mission is to teach the things we were never taught at school so that no dream is left on the pillow and no purpose left unfulfilled. Here, you can expect a lot of laughs and thought provoking conversations as we squeeze every drop of juice from this beautiful, precious, crazy thing called life. Hello. Welcome back to another episode of the mind school podcast. Thank you so much for the beautiful, beautiful feedback I received from my very, very vulnerable share last week. I feel like I was dying of a vulnerability hangover for a few days, but I appreciate all of the love and all of the messages and just such a beautiful community that I have here, and I'm going to start with a win today, and the win is that I am feeling a lot better than I was last weekend, when I had my sad Sally, my sad Sally child tantrum, little sad victim moment, and it felt really Good To be honest, and I'm feeling more myself. My win is just today. Today is a bloody good day. I am going over to Courtney's House. Courtney is the support coach and school counselor at the mind school, and I'm going to hers. I have been so impressed with my honesty and my discipline this weekend, because over the weekend, the videographer sent me an email and said all of the stuff is uploaded ready for you to look at. And I was like, oh my god, Courtney, it's taking all of my willpower not to open it. Because I always we wait and do it together. We wait and do it together. So I waited for three days to go over to her place. Today, we're doing some planning for 2025 and then we're going to watch all of the videography from the last mine school, and it just brings back all the feels. So that's my win. And then after that, I'm taking Simba on a road trip down to Albany, down to my home to see my mum. Like I said last weekend, my Nana just got put into a nursing home. So it's a tender, tender time all round for the family. And I just Yeah, feel home is where the heart is. And since Paulie boy is away, how dare he he's gone to work, how dare he go work for a couple days? I'm gonna go take Simba down on a road trip. So that's my win. And the challenge, the duality is, the challenge is just refer to last week, last week's episode, basically. That is a challenge, but one I'm feeling a little more optimistic about this week, and that is all the fertility, fun stuff. So that's the challenge. And following on from that is this week's episode, which is more speaking, this is kind of me coming from two different standpoints or perspectives here. One very much as someone who is a coach and has coached for years and years at this point, and one of the skills and one of the modules inside of the mind school is emotional intelligence, which is a skill, one that we are not learnt or taught, I should say one that we are not taught because, you know, some of us were raised by either parents who didn't have the toolkit themselves. It's not really in the curriculum at all. And so EQ emotional intelligence and the ability to have tough conversations and hold lots of emotions and know when to hold space and when to coach and and all of these different things, is something that I teach. But also I am sort of going to be giving examples, using the fertility challenge as an example of, you know, how do you support your friends through really challenging and tough times? And My example is obviously fertility, but it could be anything. It could be when a girlfriend has just gone through a breakup, or they didn't get the job they wanted, or a girlfriend has just lost somebody, and it could be to death or disease or just relationship breakdowns, all of these things that create lots of energy, lots of emotion, and can be quite challenging to navigate, and so I want to have a conversation today about how to navigate these tough conversations as either a coach or a friend or a wife or a mother. It's about how we can make sure that we are holding space in a way that helps this person to get what they. Need have their needs met and and make sure that we're looking after ourselves in the process too, and to really nurture quality relationships. I am so so, so So, so freaking passionate about this, because it is the number one indicator of well being, of our mental health, of whether or not we're going to look back on our life at the end of our life, and say it was a fulfilled life. The number one indicator is the quality of our relationships, and often especially for women. And obviously that's a generalization, but generally, women need that really deep, intimate connection. And if we don't have the tools, if we don't have the skills, that's exactly what it is. It's a skill. If we don't have the skills to have these tough conversations, sometimes we don't feel as connected in our relationships, and that's really sad, because we all want that. So today I'm going to have a conversation like I said. I'm kind of going to dance between a teacher, sort of coach, and what I've noticed from coaching hundreds of women and teaching this and certifying coaches in this, but also just what I've been experiencing recently as somebody who is navigating something really challenging and has had so many examples, good, bad and in between of sort of what's helpful to say and what's absolutely not helpful to say. And what I'll say about this is all of this is nuanced, and all of this depends. So although I'm going to say a few things about like how to or what to say, and potentially what not to say, it all depends. Every circumstance is different. Every human processes emotions different. Every human has a different set of what they're comfortable with or what feels vulnerable to them, what feels safe to them, and everyone has a different emotional capacity because of what we've been taught, etc, etc. And so all of this is like, take with a grain of salt and then use your discernment, because there will be some things here that will apply for you and your friend or the person that you're holding space for, and there'll be some things that don't apply, and it depends on the person and how how close your relationship is, and all of these things that comes down to you knowing the nuance. So the first thing I want to touch on, and I've already used this word quite interchangeably, but it's really not interchangeable. I want to touch on what is the difference between coaching and holding space. This is so fucking big, and this is something that I want everyone to understand. When helping or supporting someone through a challenging time, there is such a big difference between coaching and holding space. So let me go through how what each of them are, and when to use it as the best approach. So I'm going to use the word coaching, and I don't mean coaching just as, like, you're a coach, like I am, like you have a coaching business, and you're seeing clients. What's so interesting to me is that, and you know, like, we've had almost 50% of the people that came to the mind school this year were not coaches and did not want to be coaches, but they had the awareness that actually, I am a coach because I'm always doing this with my daughter, or I am a coach because I lead a team at work. I am a coach because I actually always want to help people get the best out of themselves, whether that's my husband, etc, etc. Coaching is really helping someone to get the best out of themselves and to take them closer to where it is that they want to go. And so when you are coaching, you are helping someone do exactly that. You are helping somebody to get to where they want to go. And with that comes a lot of problem solving, comes a lot of giving advice comes a lot of helping them to change their state and get them out of their funk and move them closer to the place that they want to go. And that's beautiful, and that's got a time and a place. But sometimes it is absolutely not the time to do that. It is not the time to put on your coach hat, to put on your problem solving hat, if somebody actually just needs you to hold space. So let's talk about what holding space is. Holding space is very different because it is so much more passive. You are not actually doing anything. You are holding a container of safety for a person to feel their emotions. That is it. You are holding a container of safety for a person to feel their emotions with no judgment, with no stepping into problem solving, with no stepping in to try to fix them, because that is not what they need. In that moment when somebody needs to feel their feelings, when somebody needs to just process a big emotion, the last thing they need is you to put your coach hat or your problem solving hat on. What that actually can do is break rapport, break a container of safety, and inadvertently or unconsciously, say to that person, I'm uncomfortable. Can you clean yourself up? Or we don't have time for that. Let's fucking move on. It's not important. It can. Invalidate them. And what it can do for a lot of people is make them close down. And so how to know when to use coaching and when to hold space? Well, if somebody is literally in it, like has just got news, or has just, you know, received a phone call, or is just processing something and it's all just hit them like a wave and they are just in the mud. That is not the time to coach. It's not the time to go. Hey, why don't have you thought of it like this? Or maybe you could be more positive. Maybe you could be more optimistic. It actually makes you want to either punch someone in the face, shut down or walk away. And I actually had this experience very recently, and bless I don't it's not the person's it's nobody's fault, but it was just a really interesting scenario where I thought, Gosh, this is exactly why I teach this inside of the mind school, because fuck, it's so unsafe. I had a really bad moment. And it was this moment where everything just got on top of me, and I broke down. I just cried and cried and cried. And it was at a retreat, and it was a stranger who pulled me aside, said, You gotta do this, you gotta do this, you gotta do this, you gotta do that. You gotta be more pop pod. And I was like, a, I don't know you. B, I don't want coaching right now, especially from a stranger. And C, I'm actually just feeling my feelings right now, and all I wanted to do in that moment was get away from that person. And although that person was really trying to help, although that person came from a really loving place, it wasn't the right time to try to move me into a different state. I know how to do that very fucking well, actually. And that was not the time or space. And so you can see how if somebody is just feeling it, all you really need to do is be there for them, provide a container of safety, like I said, for them to feel things, and sometimes all it is is that they just need to process it in an environment where they don't feel judged, where they know you're not going to go into problem solving mode, where they can just feel their feelings, and you're essentially lending an ear. So that's the first distinction. To know the difference between coaching and holding space. And if you don't know, if you don't know what your client or friend or husband or daughter or whatever, if you don't know what it is they need, just ask. Just ask one of the best questions that you can role model, especially if you're doing this with young people, is when they come to you with a problem, when they come to you with an emotional thing, when they come to you with something that they are coming to you for and and when, what I want to say as a little side tangent, when somebody comes to you with an emotional thing or a problem or an issue that is such a I see it as such a privilege, such a privilege, especially with young people I never, ever took for granted. How many teenagers came to me at recess and lunch to talk about deep, heavy things, because that tells me that I am a safe person for them, and that is really all we want. As leaders, as coaches, as parents, as people who are holding space, especially for younger people, the most important thing is that they feel safe to come to you. And so first of all, if somebody does come to you and they just want to either vent or process or find solutions, whatever it is, first of all, that is so beautiful, and that already means that you are an amazing friend, amazing mother, all those beautiful things. But if you don't actually know how to best support them. You can always ask, What support do you need right now? Like that question in itself, especially and as a coach, when you ask that question, what you do is you empower the client to consider actually, what is it that I need right now? How do I need to be how can I be soothed right now? What do I actually need? And it helps them to express their needs. So the other really great question that you can ask is, would you like advice or just an ear? Do you want to problem solve right now, or do you just want to be in it? And that, again, can just be such a big exhale for the person who is experiencing it and again, like, especially with the fertility thing, I don't know how many times I've just wanted to open up and I've just wanted to share emotion, but I shut down the second somebody goes, Oh, but don't worry, you haven't even tried IVF yet. Oh, at least this Oh, blah, blah. And you're like, oh, okay, that's fine. I will then probably shut down and not move on further with that conversation. And so I have my safe people that I can say, hey, I actually don't want to be optimistic right now. I actually don't want advice. I just want to feel my feelings. And luckily, I have beautiful, beautiful, amazing friends and family. They know this, but. But you know, if somebody jumps straight into problem solving, that can be a real sort of rapport breaker. So that's something to keep in mind too quickly, interrupting this episode to let you know that the mind score method is sold out for 2024 and we are very close to opening enrollment for 2025 this is the one stop shop certification for coaches who want to upskill so that you can create more impact, more money and more freedom. If you or your clients are getting stuck looping on old patterns, holding yourself back or just simply want to catapult to your next level. The mind school method is the place to learn how to powerfully lead yourself so that you can get the best out of your clients and all the people you love. It is six days. It is immersive, it is transformative, and it is where you will learn the best of the best coaching tools from NLP mindset, Shadow Work and emotional embodiment, so that you can be the best coach you can be, and have an overflowing heart and bank account to match your overflowing toolkit. The link for the wait list is in the show notes. Now, back to the episode. Now, when somebody is in it and wants you to hold space, there are some do's and don'ts and again, nuance, and take it with a grain of salt, because everyone is different. Your relationships are all different. People process differently, like I said, But if somebody is really in it and they just need you to hold space and they really just want a container to feel their feelings, like I said, the first thing that you want to avoid is coaching or problem solving or giving advice. So you really don't want to step straight into that you can, especially if you know, first in NLP and in what I teach at the mind school, it's called to pace and lead. And when you pace and lead, it's like you match their pace, you match their pace, and you give them what they need. For example, if somebody just needs to feel their feelings, Let's fucking do that. Let's process it. Let's feel it. Let me hold space for you to feel those feelings. And then once it's processed and it's transmuted, then I can lead into more of the coach archetype and be like, do Are you ready? Would you like to problem solve now that you've experienced or processed that. And if the answer is no, great, but sometimes all they needed was a safe space to process. And then they're like, actually, I'm ready to take action now. And so you can hold space and then coach, but just know the nuance there. So the other things that I would say to be aware of not always, like it's not a hard and fast rule. I'm not saying don't do these things, but be very conscious of anything that starts with at least a sentence, that starts with at least especially when somebody is deep in feeling their feelings and actually just processing grief or loss or heartbreak, or any of these hard, challenging times when they're in it, the last thing you want to hear is something that starts with at least, because what that is doing is sort of dismissing how they're feeling right now. So if somebody says, Oh my god, like as an example, I just got another fucking negative test. What the fuck Oh, at least you got your period, at least you're ovulating. It's like, okay, I'm just sad though, like, and so at least can be a little bit dismissive. And again, it's not even just about the words that we use, because sometimes it's the language and the energy, but that's a whole other conversation inside tangent. Sometimes you can say the quote wrong words, but when the intention and the energy is just felt, it really doesn't matter. And so before all of this, I really should have just said, If you come with an open heart and you just want to support and you're being compassionate and empathetic that is felt, so please don't feel like you can fuck this up or get this wrong. This is just a sort of rough guide to try to help these conversations move a little bit more connected. And so at least when somebody is really feeling they're the thick of it, at least can be a little bit of a like, just not helpful. The other thing that can be not helpful is to either make it all about yourself, and a lot of people do this, either to try to give optimism or to deflect because they're uncomfortable with the emotions, or they're trying to relate with you. And again, it usually comes from a really good place, but if somebody comes to you with a really big thing, a really big challenge, and you turn around and go, Oh my god, I experienced this when I blah, blah, blah, and I remember when I used to date and meet all these dickheads, and I used to be, I now all of a sudden, the person isn't even getting the opportunity to feel their feelings and all. Almost feels like now they are holding space for you, and so if you're doing it to relate, that's beautiful. And you can say things like, I totally understand. I feel you, I hear you. I've been there, and I'm just here for you. Like that can be a lot if, if the intention of the conversation is to help the person process their feelings. Help them process their feelings, as opposed to going on a tangent about yourself and then it being about them supporting you as well. And that can be difficult when somebody is really in it, and now all of a sudden they feel like, Oh, am I holding space for you? Now? Like, are you okay? Oh, and then there's and then some people are like, Oh, I feel guilty for even sharing it. It's a whole thing, and it's really fucking hard to navigate. I want to say that a million times it is hard to navigate because humans are very nuanced and very complex. And it also gets to be simple. Let's just lead with the heart and compassion. So there's that, at least, is a little bit of a just something to be aware of, as is i, the person who makes it all about themselves and dismissal. This one is probably the one that I struggle with the most, and again, it usually comes from very well intended humans who are trying to either lots of things they can't be doing, but really the dismissal is, no, you'll be right. Or, what are you upset for? It hasn't been that long, or, Oh, well, what are you worried about? You've got such a good life, all of those things. And again, it's not necessarily about what said. It's about the energy underneath it. It's about the tonality. It's about the you're being silly. That's how it feels, and that's how it can be perceived when it's got a really dismissive tonality. And so to dismiss someone's emotions is it will make you an unsafe person. Will make that person also shut down. And again, this isn't that person's fault. Oftentimes, the person who dismisses emotions isn't so great at handling even their own and that, again, is just a skill they haven't been taught. And so because they're probably very good at just missing their own emotions, they will do the same externally. Sometimes the way people respond to big emotions when you bring it to them is a really nice mirror to see how they would do it internally, too. So whenever somebody is very dismissive of emotions that often, not always, but often suggests they all they also dismiss their own emotions and probably bypass a lot of them because it's very uncomfortable for that person. So that just helps you to understand them, but also as the person holding space or coaching or supporting a friend, just know that when you say anything that's quite dismissive, and it can be hard, like I'm thinking now of the context of you know, maybe your child comes to you, or a team comes to you, and they come to you with this thing that feels huge to them, but To you, it's like, really, we're still crying about that boy that said that thing in your eight English still. And it can feel a bit like, come on, come on. Now. It can feel dismissive in relation to all the things you've got going on, or in relation to your world view and your life context. It can feel like, really, but just remembering that what someone is feeling is always true to them. What they are feeling is true to them. They can't make it up. If they're feeling it, it's their truth, and to just dismiss it is really discouraging to somebody who actually has come to you or is experiencing something that they want to move through. And then the other thing to just be aware of is completely avoiding it all together. It's like the when it's the it becomes the elephant in the room. And this happens, and I know a lot when somebody has lost, somebody, somebody has died, and they often say the hardest thing is often it's a hard thing because you don't want to be reminded all the time, but you also don't want people just to pretend it didn't happen. You don't want people to just forget their name. You don't want people to just stop talking about them all together, because that's almost as harrowing, and so it's again, nuanced and complex and contradictory. On the one hand, it's like you don't want to be reminded all the time, and you also don't want to be you don't want it to be completely avoided, and people just to not ask. And so again, it's about just having the conversation. But I think that the real thing here is just to make sure that you're at least letting it be known. Hey, you don't have to talk about it. Shay, if you don't want to, but just give me a one to 10, how you feeling? Do you want to talk about it or not? And so every situation is so different, so so different, and it's just complex. And the real takeaway for this, I think, is just to ask and just to lead with compassion some of the great COVID. Questions that I have used, and have also been used on me in the last year and a half along the fertility journey that I've really loved. And these are ones that you can write down, or you can come back to, or you can just remember some of the great questions to ask when somebody is navigating a challenging time. How is your heart feeling today. How is your heart? And that's a nice one, because it's not, how are you because we have such automatic reactions to that, hey, how you going? Yeah, good. Thanks. Like, it's so automatic and so unconscious that we're not really answering the question. So when you break that pattern by saying, Hey, how is your heart today, it actually forces someone to stop and think, and that can be a really nice way to do it. Another one that I love, actually. This was a girlfriend of mine who, bless her, cotton socks, Maddie, I love you. This is a friend of mine who also went through a really long, really shit, really challenging fertility journey. And so she's kind of one of my only friends that I feel really understands. And so she checked in with me a few weeks ago, and I thought, What a cool message. She just said, Hey, just checking in. You don't have to say anything. I know how it feels. Sometimes. Give me a one or a 10, just a one or a 10 to tell me how you're feeling. And I was like, that's so cool. Like, that's a really cool way just to check in, but also not making it like and it was like, no pressure if you don't if you don't want to, but just know that I'm thinking of you. I thought that was really beautiful. And the other question, like I said at the beginning, was, how can I support you? How would you like to be supported? And that question that I again, said at the said at the start, would you like advice or just an ear? Is there any way I can help you all of those questions. Just help to know what the person needs. And if they don't know, you can say, That's okay, I'm just here for you. And sometimes saying Not much is actually where the gold is, like the holding space. Sometimes it's not even in having the right answers or saying the right thing, it's just being there with your heart open and really listening to listen, not listening to respond, not listening to try to solve problems, not listening to share stories about yourself, not listening, just properly, actively listening because you want that person to have space, to let it out. And the other thing, and I'll add, I'll add this just from the more fertility, like from a fertility perspective, when you'll feel like, I understand if you're the friend who has a baby, or got pregnant really easy or and I have a cousin I have, this has happened a lot, actually, in the last six months, my poor cousin, she was like, I want to catch up with you, but I also need you to know, like, if it's all too fresh for you, because she was seven or eight months pregnant, if it's too fresh, if you don't want to, if you're not feeling like it's totally fine, no pressure, whenever you're ready. And and I love that she sort of said that, and it gave me the opportunity to check in with myself and be like, I actually can think of nothing better than to be around your big pregnant belly and come squeeze the hell out of baby girl when she comes. I want that, um, same with a girlfriend like she got. We started trying on the same month, and she now has, like, a almost nine month old or not quite, but yeah, so she got pregnant first try, and, you know, then there was the baby showers, and now I'm going down this week to literally go and see them and to see my little niece. But it's like, I understand how those people could probably feel pangs of guilt or like awkwardness. If you're the friend that found it really easy, you're the friend who's got the baby or hasn't had a big, long journey, it also is hard for you, and so I want to acknowledge that it's really fucking awkward, it's a bit icky, and that's fine, but I think the most beautiful thing you can do is always just ask, you know, like, don't, don't isolate the person who's struggling with fertility. Don't, you know, again, I hate to say don'ts because every relationship is so nuanced and so different, but ultimately, it's about just asking and just saying, like, Hey, I'm I'm feeling really awkward about this, and I wanted to just leave it in your court. I have a baby shower invite to give you, but I want you to know there's no pressure. Of course, I'd love you there. I want you there, but I also totally understand, and I'm just, you know, sending you love like there's, it's, again, the real takeaway here is just to lead with the heart and just to be open and honest and have the tough conversations, and they are a little bit icky and they are a little bit awkward and they are a little bit tough, but they're also the gold of relationships. They are the liquid gold that turns a relationship from average to like, Soul connected, vulnerable, heart connected, juicy, long, lasting relationships. And you know, I think when you lead with the heart, you lead with compassion, you really can't get it wrong. And as I said, it's not. Something we were taught having really tough, heart centered conversations. It really is a skill set because it is uncomfortable, and so many of us don't know how to sit with discomfort. And so my dream is that this goes into the curriculum all over Australia, and I'm working on something to actually go into schools and teach this. So in the new year. In the new year, this will be starting to go into the school system, but hopefully through this podcast, it can start in the homes, it can start with you guys. I'd love to know if this was helpful. If it was, please let me know. Share it on your stories. Tag me. It really helps to grow the pod. That is all for now, and I'll see you next week. Bye. Thank you for tuning in to the mind school podcast. It is a massive intention of mine to continue to grow this show, because the more the show grows, the better the guests get, and I know that is going to be so powerful for you listening. So if I could ask this massive favor, it would mean the world, if you could please leave a review, hit the Follow button or leave a rating on Spotify, so that we can continue to grow this show and bring you the juiciest, most thought provoking and expansive conversations through incredible guests. Thank you so much for tuning in. I'll see you next week. You