How to Help Kids (Especially Teen Girls) Break the Self-Sabotage Cycle

Welcome back to Into The Mind School!  This week, Breanna is answering a listen question:

"How do we talk about this with kids? Specifically, my daughters are making themselves small, ike many teens do to fly under the radar, but I don’t want this to become a lifelong pattern. Any tips?"

 What if we could help your daughters break free from these patterns early? In this episode, we explore how self-sabotage starts, why pre-teen & teen girls are especially vulnerable, and the steps you can take to empower them with confidence and resilience.

What’s Inside?

✨ Why self-sabotage hits girls so hard

✨ The hidden ways it shows up (that we don’t always notice)

✨ How to help teens build self-trust and confidence

✨ Real-life strategies to shift their mindset from “I can’t” to “Watch me.”

🎧 Listen now & tag a friend who needs this!

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Transcript

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Music. Welcome to the mind school, the classroom for your mind and soul, where we design our lives from the inside out. Here you will find a human first approach to life, business and relationships, to create freedom, growth and constant evolution through mindset, emotional intelligence, leadership and connection to self. I'm your host, Breanna may educator, CEO mindset and business mentor, and my mission is to teach the things we were never taught at school so that no dream is left on the pillow and no purpose left unfulfilled. Here, you can expect a lot of laughs and thought provoking conversations as we squeeze every drop of juice from this beautiful, precious, crazy thing called life. Hello. Welcome back to the mind school podcast. Oh my goodness, life update before I kick off, that gives you an indicator of of where I'm at this morning. I I had such a big week. Last week, I was teaching the mind school method certification here in Perth, and I finished that on Friday. It was the most incredible, beautiful, oh, transformative, life changing week for not only the coaches and the students who were there, but for me as the teacher and the facilitator. I was so lucky last week that there were a few moments where there were odd numbers and so the students who came to practice NLP and shadow work and all of these incredible tools for coaches got to practice their techniques on me, and I had so many of my own realizations and breakthrough moments and cool shifts and changes that I'm still processing and executing what those changes mean. And it's just, it's incredible, and it was such a cool reminder of how fucking powerful these techniques and tools are. And so I'm so proud of the graduates who are going out into the world, and some of them have already got clients from, you know, putting this, putting themselves out there on social media. And I'm just so so proud and proud of the students, also proud of myself. Like every graduation, I walk away and I'm like, bloody hell, this is such a powerful certification. And yeah, I'm still recovering my battery, my social battery and my mental capacity, but I really, I'm really excited to have this conversation today and to dive into today's episode, because last week, I dove all into self sabotage, and I dove into why it happens, how to spot it, and, most importantly, how to break free from it. And after the episode, which got some really incredible feedback, I actually had an amazing question come through from a listener, and I just thought, you know what? And I replied to beautiful Claire, and I said, Hey, I'm just going to record a follow up episode, so tune in. I've got so much to say about it. And this amazing listener said, how do we talk about this with kids? So how do we talk about self sabotage with kids? Specifically, my daughters are making themselves small, like many teenagers do to fly under the radar, but I don't want this to become a lifelong pattern. Any tips, and I obviously absolutely adore this question, because I started my business after being a high school teacher for a long time and working in well being and pastoral care within schools, running well being programs and confidence programs, and then I built my business, actually, as a mindset coach for teenage girls. So I love this question, and I have so many tools and tips and tricks. And I thought, I'll just do a whole episode. I know so many listeners are mothers at any age. This is a really important conversation, because self sabotage doesn't start in adulthood. It starts as a pattern that we learn and that are formed very early, often in childhood or adolescence. And like I said last week, our sabotage patterns are a survival technique. They're a survival technique that take us away from pain and keep us safe. And if you really think about being a teenager or a pre teen, safety is about belonging. How do you belong when you are going to school, it's by having a group of friends. It's by making sure you don't stand out too much, because then you could become vulnerable to bullying, to teasing, to the teachers making an example of you, or to a teacher drawing attention to you, and so as kids move into pre teen and teenage years, developmentally, the brain becomes hyper focused on fitting in. And evolutionarily, we're all wired to belong. We're all wired to depend on being accepted. Group. But when kids are moving into this developmental stage of life, the socialization era, the socialization period, that is when the brain is hyper fixated on just making sure they fit in. And so for the context of this question, where the pattern that's starting to be formed is to fly under the radar. What we need to think about is flying under the radar is really about making sure that they don't stand out so common ways that you'll see this play out is that you'll see your your child holding back opinions or downplaying achievements so that they don't seem too much or make anyone else jealous, they'll apologize for things that don't really need an apology. Sorry, Miss, can I ask a question? And it's like, of course you can. You don't need to say sorry. You know little, little tiny things like that, not raising their hand in class when they actually already they know the answer and they want to contribute, avoiding leadership roles when they're absolutely capable. And I saw this a lot, you know, they don't want to be that one, to put themselves forward, even though all the teachers wanted them to. They were very capable. They were such a good candidate, it was like, no, no. I don't want the attention. I don't want to be bullied. I don't want to make the other person jealous, who also wants it. I don't want to step on toes, anything like that, shrinking their body language, crossing their arms, looking down, avoiding eye contact. If a child learns early on that any of these patterns makes them more accepted, this belief then follows them into adulthood. So it's really important that we actually do deal with this now, because if you learn that this pattern, if the unconscious belief is to play small, makes me more likable, this belief will only gain momentum into adulthood, and that can be the woman who doesn't want to put their hand up in a meeting, the woman who doesn't want to speak when other people that They don't know are around who won't say yes to a leadership role at work or can't take up space in career or relationships or anything like that. So it is really important that we interrupt this pattern so that it doesn't become a learnt behavior as we move into adulthood. So how do you actually talk about this with kids. It's often that when you see a kid, you know, holding back, playing small, shrinking down the it's easy to say things like, you need to be more confident. You need to you need to just, you know, believe in yourself. You need to blah, blah. And that kind of language is really especially at that age, it sounds naggy. Essentially, it's another adult telling them what to do. And so what I think is more helpful is to open dialog and have conversations. So if this is your daughter, instead of you need to be more confident. You need to believe in yourself. You need to back yourself. It's what's stopping you from fully showing up, what's stopping you from the leadership role, what's stopping you from putting your hand up in class, and one of the most powerful things you can do, and this is from an emotional intelligence perspective, which is actually one of the key indicators of how fulfilled and successful children will be In adulthood, is emotional intelligence, and a huge part of emotional intelligence is helping them to articulate and label emotions. And so you can actually do things by helping them name what they're feeling. And so you can approach the conversation with a lot of curiosity. And that's the first point is, rather than you need to be more confident. You need this. It's like, what? What's stopping you? And it's just genuine curiosity and helping them with their emotions. And to name the emotion, is it nerves? Is it anticipation? Is it a little bit of shame that you're feeling for wanting it? Is it apprehension? Is it fear of a particular person? And then, of course, fears will come up. It's really important that we normalize fear. It's so it's become this really unhealthy pattern in society to cotton wool kids from ever feeling normal feelings of fear, of nerves. And so instead of going, Oh, don't feel scared. You shouldn't feel scared. It's like, normalize it, help them, help them to understand why they might feel afraid. You know, you can say things like sometimes our brain tells us that this thing is risky because it wants to say small so that we don't stand out too much. But you know what? That's a really clever survival trick, and it's not actually true. And share with them how you sometimes feel afraid, and what's currently giving you a little bit of fear at the moment, and how sometimes our thoughts and our feelings aren't always facts, and so just normalize the fear and then help them to see their own patterns. So you can ask reflective questions that actually get them to notice when they're holding back. So you can ask questions again, it's really about questions, as opposed to lectures or problem solving for them, it's opening up conversations so you can understand what's going on and what the actual issue is underneath the behavior. And so questions that you could ask is, when do you notice yourself wanting to say something but stopping yourself. You know, when do you notice that? What? And what's the worry behind it? What do you think might happen if you spoke up? And this is where you can maybe see, and you might even get to see that it's not actually a huge deal. It's only in one particular class, and that gives you a lot more information as the parent, oh, okay, it's only with this particular classroom. It's only where this particular student is. It's only with this particular teacher that they haven't, perhaps, got a rapport built yet. And you can ask, what's the worst case scenario and what's the best case scenario? So it's all about them bringing their own thought process to this and having a conversation. And then I would also really encourage conversation and dialog around how they get to choose when they feel scared, when they feel fear, when they feel that they want to pull back or go under the radar or anything like that, they have a powerful choice to make, and it's very much about fear is normal. It's so normal to want to fit in. It's so normal to not want to stand out. It's so normal to want to belong. There is nothing wrong with feeling nerves. There's nothing wrong with this. This is normal, but anytime you feel fear, you have a powerful choice that you get to make, and it's your choice to make. And giving that empowered choice back to the kid is so powerful, and asking them questions like, Who do you think you might inspire by having courage in this situation? Who do you think might actually be inspired by you taking up space? And all of this can sort of help just to shift their own perception of things. The other thing that I find really important because at this age, kids don't necessarily have the ability, or the practice, of looking forward and seeing how every present choice leads to a different future somewhere down the line. And so it because this is something that's not fully formed yet, if you can actually help a child, especially around this age, to build different pathways that would be more likely from each choice they get to actually see the consequences of their empowered choice and decide which pathway looks more exciting to them. So how this would actually go down is that you go, how do you think your life will be impacted? What path would you build for yourself if you said yes to this leadership role, if you put your hand up more in class? How could this change your reality when you go into next year and the year after that? What would What do you think your life would look like with you, taking up space with you, saying yes, with you, putting your hand up. Where does that where does that path lead you? And they can go. They can actually, if they're open to it, start to build out the consequences of taking up space and what that might look like. And alternatively, what do you think your path looks like if you become someone who always shrinks down, who never speaks up, who always says no, where do you think that path leads? What do you like or not like when you see that path and helping them to actually build the skill of seeing how every choice leads to a different reality down in the future can be really, really powerful, because it's not something yet that their brain has. They don't have the if you think about it, they don't have the concept of time and consequence very ingrained in their mind. So you asking the questions that help them build different pathways based on the choice they get to choose is just a really good skill for them to have at this age. And then there's a few other practical strategies to help them take up space. And the one that is actually, it's hilarious, but particularly with pre teens, I think it's actually just so powerful to teach them about power posture. And this is fun, especially pre teen, especially in you know, before they go to high school, explaining how our body language affects our confidence. So you can encourage them to practice standing taller, encourage them to make eye contact and use open body language, especially when they don't feel confident yet. So just explaining to them that your brain listens to your body and sometimes, if you act like you belong in the room, if you act like you're confident. Eventually you believe it too. So just explaining to them that if, even if you don't feel confident yet, even if you don't feel like you can take up space, even if you feel like you want to go small and and fly under the radar, practice faking it till you make it. Practice the power pose. There's so many crazy studies. About how the power pose actually changes our chemistry and our physiology. And if we can teach this is, again, it's a skill, body language and confidence is a skill, and it's in our physiology, funnily enough, not funnily enough. But I just read a study, and it's absolutely wild, the importance of body language. There was a study where they interviewed a whole bunch of people in a prison who had gone to prison for, I think it was sexual abuse or murder. It was one of the two, potentially both. I forget the details, but the outcome of this study was that in a lineup of people, each of the convicted criminals chose the same person that would be their target, that would be their victim, and it was all about who looked more like they would be an easy target, purely by the way they moved, purely from their eye contact, purely from their body language. There are some people who have an energy of confidence that subliminally says, Don't fuck with me, and those people are less likely to be targeted by criminals. So if you think about how freaking important This skill is to teach kids, it's about acting like you're confident, walking with confidence, looking like you have confidence, through eye contact, body language, all of these things, this is such a powerful tool, and the younger they are at, you know, you explaining this is, you know, practice it in the mirror, power pose, Superwoman pose, hands on hips, big, strong, big, strong body language. It's a skill, not just for overcoming this playing small pattern, but also for life and for making sure that they're protected in those scenarios where people are actually looking for a target, bullies included. So explaining that how important and powerful your energy and your body language is is such an important skill. The other thing is that you can have a go first rule. So most kids at that age will wait for someone else to speak up first. So the challenge is a go first game. It's like, how many times in a day can you be the person to go first? How many times can you be the person to go first to answer a question in class, to be the first introduce yourself in a group, to be the first to volunteer or raise a hand. And you can just make this a game where, you know, they get in the car after school, and you're like, How many times did you win the go first challenge. So go first as opposed for waiting for someone else and making that something that you praise, praise not because they did it. Praise because it's courageous. Praise, because it's brave praise because you're proud of how much bravery they displayed in the going first and again, you embodying that. You preaching this and teaching this is always going to be more powerful if you actually do it first as the parent. The other thing is asking questions around. What would a confident person do if you were the most confident person of yourself, what would you do differently if you were the most confident version of yourself, what would you do in that particular instance where you get nervous? If you were the most confident version of yourself. How would you walk into the classroom if you were the most confident version of yourself and getting them and you can sit down and write it together. You can have this conversation in the car. You can have this conversation after school, and it's just the question of, what would the most confident person do in this particular scenario? That's a really cool conversation to have. And then the last thing that I want to add, and this is probably the most important part, is to mirror their strengths back to them. But I don't mean mirror back their strengths from the perspective of but you do so well, you're so smart, you're so amazing. Can you get into the habit as the parent and as the confidence builder, of praising them for their internal character traits, praising them for their effort, praising them for their attitude, as opposed to their outcomes. Because what happens is, if you're in the habit of praising a child for their outcomes, you know, well done, you got an A well done. You did the thing. It's telling them that the outcome is the important part. But if they get into the habit of only praising themselves for outcomes, that can breed a real perfectionistic attitude and self worth that is based purely on external factors, like grades, like titles, like exam results, and that is fickle, because what if you have a bad day and you get a bad mark, then your self worth, your identity, your self esteem, is all hanging on this external thing which is only going to perpetuate lower self worth on things that can be taken away. So we always want to mirror strengths through the through the lens of character traits, attitudes and effort. So rather than you're so smart, you did so well, you're amazing, you're so clever. It's like, I love how committed you are to your study. I love how persistent you are and how disciplined you are and how much focus. You have or I notice how you helped your friend in class today. And I'm so proud of that leadership. I'm so proud of your kindness. I'm so proud of whatever it is. It's about the internal effort and the character trait. Rather than you're smart, you got an A well done. You got student counselor well done. You got head girl, or whatever it is, it's like, no, no. You were courageous, you were brave, you were hard working. These are traits that is something they can build, their self esteem on, which can never be taken away from them. And that is so important so kids don't need to just be told they're capable. And this is so big kids don't need to be told they're capable. They need to see themselves as capable. And the more you can draw out their capabilities, like from an internal process, not an outcome, the more they're going to see themselves in that way. And that's how you build their confidence. That's how you make sure that there's someone who can withstand all of the fears that come with being this age, if they believe they're capable, if they believe they're strong, if they believe they've got their own back, if they believe they're resilient, they're going to be more likely to put their hand up. They're going to be more likely to take up space, because they can handle any discomfort that might come their way. They can handle a little bit of a snide comment, they can handle all the things that may happen because they see themselves as strong. They see themselves as capable. So my huge number one, big takeaway from all of this and from anything to do with building confidence in kids, building self esteem in kids, making sure they don't develop patterns where they turn themselves down, shrink themselves down is always prioritizing giving kids multiple opportunities to build the belief that they can handle it they can do hard things. So it's actually not about protecting them from hard things or from protecting them from feeling discomfort. It's about giving them multiple opportunities to fail safely, to fail and get back up to fail and say, That's not actually a failure. It's part of success. If kids have the belief that to make mistakes is part of the learning process, to make mistakes is part of getting better. To make mistakes is part of being incredible at something, they're going to build a growth mindset, and they're going to be okay with discomfort. And so anytime anyone asks me about building confidence, building self esteem in young ones, it's about giving them opportunities to safely fail and praising them for the internal character trait that kept showing up, the bravery, the courage, the resilience, internal things can't be taken away. Grades. Can the amount of friends you have, can the leadership role, whether you get head girl or not, that's outside of their control, but everything else that's inside of their control. Those are the things we want to really bolster and build their confidence around, and so we need to remember that self sabotage, or our patterns of self sabotage that we play out as adults. They started very, very, very young, because at some point we learned that this particular sabotage pattern, or this pattern of playing small, keeps me safe. But if we can interrupt that with kids and teenagers and pre teens at a young age, with the idea and the belief that it is safe to be seen, it is safe to take up space and use your voice, we can actually help break that cycle before it even begins. So I hope that helped. And if you have any listener questions when you're listening to this podcast, please DM them to me, and I'll just record something like this. I am getting a lot of questions about how to do a lot of this mindset work with kids, and I love to answer it, so let me know if that was helpful. As I said last week, I do have a guide around self sabotage prompts and an action plan to work through patterns for yourself. And of course, the more you do this work yourself, the more you just become embodied to teach your kids to do the same, because they're not really paying attention to what you say, but they are watching what you do, how you lead, how you act, how you overcome sabotage, how you take up space. And so the ultimate work to do is to do the work on yourself so that you can be the role model of taking up space of being a powerful woman that takes up space of A being a powerful woman who goes first and so you doing the work is the most important work you can do for your girls in this case, and I really hope that helped. So let me know if it did help. Send me a DM. Share this. It would mean the world if you can put this on your stories and tag me. I really love to see it, and I will be back here next week. Bye. Thank you for tuning in to the mind school podcast. It is a massive intention of mine to continue to grow this show, because the more the show grows, the better the guests get. And I know that is going to be so powerful for you listening so. If I could ask this massive favor, it would mean the world if you could please leave a review, hit the Follow button, or leave a rating on Spotify, so that we can continue to grow this show and bring you the juiciest, most thought provoking and expansive conversations through incredible guests. Thank you so much for tuning in. I'll see you next week. You.