I'm PREGNANT: After 2 Years of TTC, It Finally Happened. Let's process this together.

Hiiiiiiii,

This is the episode.

The one I’ve played out in my head a thousand times… but honestly, there were days I wasn’t sure it would ever exist.

For two years, I’ve been on a fertility rollercoaster that’s chewed me up, spat me out, patched me together and then thrown me back on for another round. 

I’ve sat in waiting rooms with my heart in my throat. I’ve done injections at 6 am with shaking hands. I’ve cried in carparks. I’ve Googled at 2 am until my eyes stung.

And now… I finally get to tell you what happened after our first IVF transfer.

And our second.

Tune in as my beautiful friend, Heidi Anderson, asks me all the juicy questions:

• The traumatic experience that put me off IVF for good
• My rock-bottom moment and why I "gave up" 
• The (drugged-up, high AF) second transfer, and the crazy dreams and messages I started receiving
• The moment Paul and I found out… sitting by a campfire, off-grid, holding our breath.
• My reaction, Paul's reaction, friends' and family's reactions
• My first trimester experience (wtf, am I actually typng this?!) 
• My gender prediction...and so much more.

Honestly, this is my favourite episode yet.

Whether you’ve been here from the start of my journey or you’ve only just joined The Mind School family, this one’s for you, because you’ve been holding hope for me in ways you might not even realise.

🎧 Listen now to The Mind School Podcast and be part of the moment I’ll remember for the rest of my life.

 [Click here to listen]

With all my love,

 B x

P.S. I talk about the exact playlist my friends made for me for my embryo transfer and why one song will always make me cry now.

As always, please don't forget to hit Subscribe! xxx

Transcript

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So we have just spent the last episode together talking about your journey to becoming a parent. You did tell me that you had some news, and for those who don't know, you did start IVF, even though you weren't 100% sold on IVF, you did a lot of work on your own mindset, you know, leader of the mind school, and then you've ended up going through IVF, and we're at your very first transfer. What happened here? Oh, so by the time we came around to the first transfer, Paul and I, myself, particularly, I was like a kid counting down till Christmas. I was like, I had done enough work by this point that I was just excited. I was like, You know what? I've made peace with the fact that this is potentially an IVF pregnancy. I've made peace with however my pregnancy might go, and I'd done so much belief work that I was like, I've had a hard enough journey. IVF is working for me. IVF is going to work first time, first round. That's what I told myself. And the IVF clinic the whole time had been like, Breanna, this is unicorn results. They also they grade your embryos based on quality. And they had rang me and the embryologist said to me, this is insane. We have all triple A grade, whatever. I didn't know what any of this means. Triple A, triple A, like, big Energizer. They were, like, your embryos all, like, almost all of them were incredible quality. And so they we did all the blood work. You do more blood work. You do the ultrasounds. You go in every few days, and you're just getting ready, like, when you're giving me the date, when you're giving me the transfer date. I I literally could not wait. So it was a huge turnaround from like, Oh fuck. IVF, I hate this clinic. I don't want to be here, to like, let's go. And I loved the team, and I loved my I just had, I felt like I was in the right place. So we got the first transfer date, and we had this whole plan, like, because they told us, this is the way they do it, is they go highest quality first. And so we knew this is, like, one of the highest grade embryos. It's going to be incredible. We're going to go and buy our very first ever. Because we've never, I've never bought any baby things. I don't think I've ever wanted to get that attached, I suppose. So Paul and I were like, right, we're going to go together. He's taking the day off. We're going to make a whole beautiful day out of it. We're going to get the transfer put in, we're going to go buy our first baby item, and then we're going to go out for lunch and have this like beautiful day together. And I was convinced this was the one I hadn't told my family, which was actually the hardest part. I was trying so hard to keep it a secret, because for years I've been fantasizing about how I'm going to tell my mum and dad, and so I wanted that element of surprise, and that was so hard. I talked to mum every day. She knows me so well, so I had to actually stop talking to her so much, because I knew I'd give it away. I can't lie. I can't lie, she'll know something's up. Yeah. So I was kind of like, I don't want to talk and dad. I don't want to talk to my brother. I hadn't told anyone, but I did say to my friends, I need you especially I'm not telling my mum. This is really hard. So I went. It was a secret. Mum was like, morning, sweetie, how you going? I was like, Oh, this is so hard not to delete. And so we've gone. I was so excited. We walked in and they went, the embryologist walks out and went, you're not going to believe this. Your embryo is already hatching. And I remember that moment before that inserted. Before that you're like, they're like, it's just expanding at rapid knots, like they said, We've got to show you a chicken. That's exactly what I said. I was like, like, a chicken, and it was Easter, like, we just had Easter weekend, and I'm like, Oh, it's my little easter egg. And they said we're gonna put it up on the screen so you can see this. This baby is, like, already hatching. It's gone into the next phase. And I was like, this baby is sticking. Like, I know this is the one. And I was so excited. I didn't think anything of the embryo transfer itself. I didn't know it was I just thought it was a two minute, like, turkey baster job, and then we go and have lunch. That's what I thought. I was like, let's get it done. Let's go. Yeah. Anyway, we're in their pools, like watching on the screen. They're like, are you ready? We're gonna start the transfer. And I'm like, oh my god, I'm about to make my baby. You can see it. You're watching it on a screen, and they're getting ready, and it starts taking a little bit too long. And I was like, I started feeling really uncomfortable. Like, you know when you go for a pap smear and it's like, that uncomfortable feeling where it's like, oh, you're on my service. Yeah, you haven't got it, yeah, yeah, enjoyable, yeah. And it's going on for quite a while, quite a while. And then I'm getting a bit like, Ow. And then the doctor stopped, and she just looked at me and she's like, I'm so sorry. Have you had any procedures or surgery before on your cervix? And my heart dropped, and I was like, Yeah, I've had quite a few, actually. And she's like, you're so. VIX is closed, we can't get through I was like, Is this still happening? Is it okay? She's like, we're just going to have to get some different utensils. We're going to have to get some different instruments. We'll find a way this could we'll try and then, like, out of nowhere, I won't get too graphic, because it's actually so bad, but out of nowhere, it was just like this pain that I can't even describe, instant shock. I started to almost black out, like I just had to be elsewhere mentally. The pain just shook me to my core, and I was just crying, and they're like, it's okay, we're in, we're in, like, it's it's okay. But I was in shock. I was crying, I was shaking. They did the transfer, and they sort of left me to get myself, like dressed and all of that. There's blood everywhere, and I just fell into a heap. I just walked into the toilet and burst into tears. This was meant to be. It's just like all the grief hit me in that moment. I was like, This is not what I wanted. This is not how you're meant to get pregnant. This is not what I wanted. And so much medical trauma around that case, yeah, I was like, my poor body, like, it just felt so unnatural. And again, that goes against my whole like, this is not natural. So I brought everything up, and the whole drive home, I just cried, and I said to Paul, like, i How is this gonna work? Like, I'm in shock. I was still shaking. Anyway, we went and bought the first baby item that was really nice. What did you buy? We bought, like, a little swaddle. It was this, I don't even know what color thing it was, actually had little lions on it, so, like, timber, which is our dog. So Paul was like, Oh, look, it's this. Paul actually chose it, which I love. What size did you get? I don't know, newborn, maybe. Is that a thing? The five zeros, the triple zeros, we've got, like, just something, just something, okay, it's done, and then the psycho starts like, that's when every day, you're like, can I test yet? Can I test yet? Can I test yet? Am I because you're going, I'm pregnant. I must be pregnant. I'm pregnant, until proven otherwise. And you're going, I think I remember saying, Oh, you. I think you told me once you felt implantation pain. Oh yeah, I felt it, yeah. And I remember you saying that to me. So I was like, hyper vigilant to every little tweak, every little thing. I was like, not going to go to the gym and push myself. I was like, No, I'm resting. And then I felt a few little twinges, and I remember your voice in my head, and I'm like, implantation, plantation pain. This is how Memphis came. And I was like, it's worked. And then I had to keep myself really busy for that five days, because is it only five days that you have to wait? Like, five days was like early, and I knew, but I couldn't wait. I just couldn't wait. Five days is like the soonest that you could possibly show up positive. And I remember I finished my client calls in the morning, and it was day five, and I just couldn't hack it. And I couldn't not pee on a stick, basically. So I'm like, I've got it actually on video, and it's so shit to watch, because you can see, like, I'm so nervous, I'm literally pacing, I'm shaking. I'm like, This is it? This is the moment, like it was already hatching. It's a Grade A embryo. Interestingly enough, I was like, it's this is a boy. I had this strong sense that this is a boy. The second they put the transfer, like, did the transfer anyway? I saw negative and like, yeah, it was it was bad. I just crumbled, and I went for a walk, and I couldn't call Mum, I couldn't call Dad, because I was like, what could still be positive, and I want it to be a surprise, and I think deep down, I just knew, like, but then your brain starts doing tricks. You're like, well, maybe there's just not enough HCG yet, or maybe you need to do a morning test and it'll be pregnant tomorrow. I went back home, I took another test. I took tests all afternoon. It was just negative, like, not even the faintest line. And I just sobbed. And, yeah, I remember reaching out to two of my best mates, and I was just like, I already don't think I can do this again. Like I was so scared of another transfer because of how traumatizing and painful it was. Yeah, is that why they think maybe it could have been so that was another piece. I was like, Wait, is this why I haven't fallen pregnant? If my cervix is closed, then, yeah, well, like, what is going it? Could that be it? And one doctor said yes, another doctor said No, trying to get all the answers. Yeah. Again, I'm like, maybe this is it. Maybe this is the answer, like, the whole thing. And then I tested again. My best friend came and stayed with me one night, had a sleepover so that I could do a test with her on day 10, which would be the final result. So she woke up, got up, came into my bathroom, we did the test together, and it was negative. And we just went down to the beach together. And I just, I just cried. And I cried, and I rang mum, and I was like, I was bawling by the time mum answered the phone. And she's like, what's happened? What's happened? Her heart just, Mum, it didn't work. And she's like, what didn't work? And I was like, I've already done it. Like, oh, I've already done it, Mum, it didn't work. And she I could feel her heart like shatter, and she's been doing this for two years with me, and every month, yeah, it's like, you're on the roller coaster together. Every month, she's like, maybe sweetie, but she doesn't want me to get excited and the whole thing. So I've rung mum and dad crying to them. Dad's researching, or it could still be too early, you don't know. Like, he's being positive and wanting to fix, yeah, help his daughter. He's going, I've read that. It's you need to wait till 12 days. It could still work. And I, oh, maybe. So then I'm sort of holding on to a bit of hope. Did the blood test? It was Mother's Day? Oh, fuck it. So all the posts online it was Mother's Day when I thought that I would have been pregnant. And then the clinic rang me and said, I so sorry. This was it didn't work. And I was just like, like, and do they give you context or anything, or is it just that's just all they say? They just say, No. And then, and then they come back in on Monday. Let's go through the process. Go through let's start the injections again. Let's do the blood tests again every single every two days, I'm driving up to leaderville. It's 45 minutes from my house. I'm like, let's Yeah, and then between the first and the second transfer, they reviewed all my Bloods, the hormones, all of that. And again, this was my second rock bottom. They had changed my medication. So I've gone into the pharmacy to get ready for the next round. I've said to Paul, I don't think I've got many left in me. Like, I think I'm done. And this was after one said, Paul, I think I'm done. I'll do one, maybe two more. But if it's that painful and that traumatizing again, like I just maybe, maybe I'm just not gonna and I started entertaining that. And then I was like, this, we'll do this one. We'll see if the if I have the same experience, I've gone to the pharmacy to get everything ready. The pharmacist actually pulled me aside and went, Hey, Breanna, have they warned you? And I was like, what? He goes, You are on, like, Hero dose of everything, three injections a day, three suppositories a day. It's she's like, this is a very Max dose. And I've walked out of the pharmacy two grand later with literally, two Kohl's bags of medication. I got to my car and I just sobbed, and I just cried and cried and cried. I drove to my best friend's house, and I cried and I cried and I was like, I don't think I can do this. I just don't know if I've got it in me. And we just Paul, and I said, we'll do one, and then we might take a break, go travel, I don't know, just not do it anymore. And I think it was something internally that changed, like in the first transfer, I was Googling everything and tightening everything that I did and controlling everything, and that heartbreak of like it didn't work. By the time I got to the second one, I actually felt like the energy was like, I give up. I just give up. And that, to me, was almost an energy of surrender. I was like, I I don't it felt like I don't care. Like, whatever I'm done, I've done everything I can. I'm literally putting everything I can into myself. Every day the injections, there's a whole like host of things that come with the injections, emotionally, mentally, physically, start changing. You're in pain, like, there's a whole thing. And I was like, I'm going to do, I'm going to throw everything at it, but I'm fucking done. So yeah, we went in for the second transfer. The doctor had given me valium because she said, I can't promise if this is going to happen again, yeah, but I can make it more comfortable for you. So I was, I'll take it. I'm taking the Valium. I went and did hypnotherapy, kinesiology, like I just did everything I could to relax, because I still believe being in that stress response for the first one is not the energy of conception. So I did that. I took my Valium. I went in, I went I walked in chilled. I was like, How you going? Brenna, I'm good. I had my playlist. One of the things I will say to anyone that does a embryo transfer or is in the IVF thing, I messaged every one of my everyone who knew what I was about to do that day, all of my besties. I said, I want you to just contribute one song that will add to the energy of the room. Oh how beautiful it was. This transfer list makes me cry every time I listen to it, because every friend put in a song, and I went in with my headphones and I said, I'm not being rude, but I'm like, not in this room. Yeah, I'm not here. And so I put my I was pretty high actually. I was like, This is good. I'm gonna have a great day. And I was listening to the music, and the music that came on was just beautiful. The song that came on just as they did the transfer was, feels like home. Oh my feels like home to me. I love that song. I was playing little the way here, really, yes, that's wild. So that song came on just as Paul said, it's a core memory, because my doctor put her hand on my and I'll never forget these tiny, little, micro moments. It was my doctor actually doing the transfer, which just felt so nice. I love it like home. Yeah, she felt homey. And she'd been my doctor for this whole journey. She was incredible, and I was so happy that it was her. So I've walked in, she's there. I've put my music on. She's rubbed my leg as a like, this is about to happen, and apparently, as Paul tells it, I was a bit spaced out. But she said, you're just going to see a little shooting star. And 123, there it is. And Paul saw this shooting star, like, go up into my uterus, I suppose. And he said that that was just a core memory. And then they give you a printout of your little embryo sitting there in your uterus, and wow, go home, and it was so different. I was so relaxed. I was in the energy of like, whatever, if it doesn't work, I'm taking a break. I've done everything I can. And Paul was like, I'm putting you in a car, and we're going camping, ideally, where there's no reception and you can't be crazy on chat GPT, and you can't buy pregnancy tests by pregnancy tests. And we're just going to go do us. We're going camping. We're going to go, like, do the things that we love, sit by the fire. Most nights I had a wine. Most nights I just was like, whatever I'm done. And when it came to seven days past transfer, we were camping in this in this gorgeous little place, actually, which has now become our favorite place. We're camping, and we wake up and it's seven days post transfer, and he's like, it's time to test and I was like, I can't do it. I'm not doing it. And he's like, Babe, you can do it. It's okay. And then he starts pacing. And I was like, Oh no, before he was pacing. And I was like, he was I could see Paul was so nervous, so nervous, and I didn't realize how much he'd been holding until this day. Yeah, but um, he said, we woke up, he grabs a pregnancy test, and he's like, go find a bush. Because we're camping, there's nothing around. It was like, off grid. It's like, go find a bush. And so I knew I had to do the test because Mum and Dad were actually coming up the next day to stay with us, and I wanted to tell them either way. So he's gone, go pee on a bush. I'm going to light the fire. He's getting the fire ready. I'm going to find a bush to pee on, and then I've walked back, put it down on the little table in between us, and he's put the timer on his phone. And we're just sitting there looking at the fire, and I was like, I can't turn it over. I can't turn it over. And then the timer went off, and, yeah, I turned it over, and it instantly just said, it was a digital one, and it said pregnant. And like, that moment, oh, please just drop something in the background. That moment was, it was, that was a mic drop moment. I covered you goosebumps, yeah, and it said pregnant. It just, and I'd never, ever, ever done a digital one, but I've always dreamt of seeing the word, but I just happened to grab one, and it was a digital one, so I've flipped it over, and this moment will forever be tattooed in my brain because I've flipped it. And I just remember thinking the air was taken out of me. Like I actually just went and Paul within that moment, just it was like two years of holding everything, he just sobbed, and I was like in his arms with I don't know how it happened, but I was on him, on his deck chair. He's crying into his hands. And he said there was a moment where he was like, Is this bitch doing a prank? But he also knew I would, but yeah. And then he yeah, we're just holding each other. And I was like, oh my god, I'm pregnant. Like, I'm actually pregnant. And he Yeah, Simba is jumping up because there's all the commotion. And he Paul was crying, and then I was crying, and we still had that playlist on playing our song, and yeah, and that was, this is your pregnancy announcement. This is my pregnancy announcement. And that was 11 weeks ago, yeah, oh, every time you say, I get goosebumps. And obviously we just dropped stuff here in the studio because of the excitement levels just so high, so crazy. So obviously, everything's going well. Now everything's going well. I made I'm 11 weeks today. By the time this episode comes out, I'll be like, I don't know, 1516, weeks. Yeah. And how does it feel to say it out loud now, like, because obviously. You've told friends and family, and then now you've decided that, you know, this is the way that you want to share it to your biggest cheerleaders. Yeah, you know your people who have been there through every step of the way. Like you are pregnant. It's weird. It still doesn't even feel like especially, I'd say the first trimester. It's the weirdest thing. Like, I didn't, I want, I did. I kept taking pregnancy tests to confirm. Because I was like, Yeah, my and I haven't actually been that sick. Like, I've been one of the lucky ones, yeah, and I always said I'm going to be the lucky one, because I've had enough. I'm going to have a great pregnancy. But I haven't really felt sick. I've been, you know, just checking like, am I, am I? Am I? And then we went for the first heartbeat scan, and, like, instantly we just saw this little heartbeat. And it was so cool to be like, it's actually happened. I think a little person got anything in there, a little shooting star. Yeah, that was the shooting star. And it's so funny because I tried to tell mum that this is actually a bitch move. I shouldn't have done this. I was trying to steer mum off course because I really wanted to surprise her. I told her mum, it didn't work. What? When you were at the camping weekend, she had already asked she's like so she couldn't wait. And I said, No, Mom, no, no good, but I'm okay. I'll see you tomorrow. And she didn't believe me. She was like, No, I know that it has and she's very tapped in my mom. She was like, I never believed you for a second, because I knew, because this little girl kept coming to me every night at 2am oh my god, stop it. Every night at 2am mom was saying, I've had this little girl come and she's like, you're pregnant, and I think it's a girl. Oh, my God. Okay, so money's on the table for a girl. Money's on the table. I'm feeling you're feeling weird. Paul's feeling girl. Mom's feeling girl. Everyone, even my besties, who always said you're going to be a boy. Mum, yeah, they're like, nah, this is for some reason they've the energy, energy maybe. So, yeah, the last few weeks, I think it's only probably been the last three weeks where I've fully let myself get excited, like, Okay, we've made it to 10 weeks. We've made it to 11 weeks. We've seen the heartbeat. They've tested all these things, and everything's tracking well. And now we get to, like, enjoy telling people that it's, I guess my thing that I, you know, kind of want to talk about, was when you and Paul found out on your own, like, and he felt like that it was a prank. Is that what it feels like every day? Like, do you know what I mean? Like, that's why you keep taking the because it's like, for so long, my No, this has not been possible. So, like, is this a gotcha moment? Yeah, it feels just surreal. Yeah, the way that there's it just feels surreal. Like, am, I am I really, can I check again? Yeah? And I think maybe a lot of women experience this with the first because you don't really, especially if you don't have six, you don't have symptoms. Yeah, am I? And then I did start having symptoms, but then they went away, and then I freaked out that they went away like, Oh no, my symptoms have disappeared, and it's just a real and because I'm on, I'm still on two injections every single day. You don't know whether some of the symptoms are from the injections or from the pregnancy. It's a whole thing, but um, yeah, and Aha, the moment that Paul so when we were camping, yeah, we had like, our 10 minutes there, sitting there, just crying, not believing it. And then Paul went to the van, and he came back with this like package, and he'd put together like a mum package for me. And I was like, like these. There's been so many moments throughout the last 11 weeks where a I got to see the male perspective that I didn't understand. Like I really saw how much Paul had held in that moment that he and the moment that he found out, I saw how much it had weighed on him, but he never showed it. And then, since then, I've just had so many moments where I'm like, fuck, I've got the best I chose the best baby daddy, like when he came with this package and he had these, like, this shirt that was like for breastfeeding, with zips, and it had this like motherhood emblem on it, and he bought me a block of chocolate that said mom, and he had this like hamper that he was waiting to give me, and he'd been collecting things, and how incredibly fucking awesome and special, and what a the dad he's gonna be. That's what's getting me so excited. We've been having so many chats about like, how we want to be, and who we want to be, and what we want for our child, and just all this stuff. And I said to Paul, it was his birthday last week, and I wrote in the card like I already knew that I'd picked a good one, but I've fallen more in love with him in the last seven. Seven weeks than I even thought I could. And I can't even imagine what happens once, the once you see the person you love holding your baby. Like, I actually can't imagine what that's like. Oh my gosh. And like, everyone's gonna tell you, like, you just wait. You just wait. So now I'm like, sitting on the edge I think, like, you just wait to see that it's and, like, I think I said this to you, when you have the baby, it's gonna be like, Oh, you get it now, like, it's this, you just, it's the wildest, the wildest journey you'll ever go on in the most beautiful, crazy, chaotic way, yeah, but like, you just will have and like you said, You'll see him and it will just, like, you'll just experience all these emotions that you thought you'd had before, but like, times 100 that's what I can't wait for. And I have always said, like, I don't think I'm very maternal, and that's been whether it's a story or a bit of a truth. Like, I've never been goo goo gaga over kids. Yeah, babies. I just Yeah. I'm not a baby person. I love kids, but I was a high school teacher. I like kids that give banter. I love, like, a certain age, yeah, and so I've always said, like, I don't think I'm that maternal, but I can't wait to see this Paul goes to me, I bet you're going to be just like your mom, who's the most maternal mother on the planet. And I can't wait to see these sides of myself that maybe I didn't think exist yet. Yeah, and I think you said to me before we started to, you know, talk about how we were going to share this with everyone. You have particularly gone about giving everyone the news in really awesome, creative ways, which I think would be really cool to share on the podcast, because we'll be able to, like, roll the tape and add some, you know, some of these moments in. So you'd obviously been thinking about this for a long time, of how you would tell people, and did that keep you in this positive kind of happy space? Yeah, yeah. I surprises. Must just be my love language. Like, and I had one friend say to me, like, is this baby for you, or is this baby for your fat? Like, because I was getting so excited about telling mom and dad, telling my brother, telling my besties, I thought at one stage that I was going to surprise Paul, but when it came down, I'm so glad we did that moment together, yes, but yeah, mum and dad came the next morning, because we live five hours away. The next morning, they walked in my door, and I was wearing a cap that said mum and Paul was wearing a cap that said, Dad, stop. And we had Simba in this like big bro bandanna. And they walked in, and they didn't notice my cat. They didn't notice the cat, but they saw me smiling. And dad just took one look at me, and he was like, I knew it. And he kissed my belly. Oh, I've been waiting for so long to do this. And he kissed my belly. And Mum just started bawling. And she's like, I knew it. I knew you were so that was just the best. And I think Mum, to be fair, they haven't fully let themselves get too excited until the last few weeks. Yeah, I mean, I shared a bump photo yesterday, and they were like, oh my god, it's real. Like, you've got a bump. Yeah? I said to you just before, like, is this normal? This is pretty early, just showing a bump. But yeah, those there's been so many moments. I had two of my best mates. I really wanted to see them in person, but I knew I wasn't going to be able to one of them. Steph, our mate, yeah, she was flying somewhere. I think she was flying to Bali, like, oh, I need a funny stop going everywhere. So I put Paul ran up. Paul drove up at five in the morning, did this letter drop to my two best mates? Like, actually hand delivered, literally, hand delivered into their mailbox, this little card. And on the front it said, Only the best of friends. And then, as they, like, opened it, it said, get to be aunties. And I'd written this little like thing, and they recorded themselves opening it. So Steph and, like, two of my best mates, Steph and milker, I've got these videos, which I'll share later, of them going only the best of friends, and then they open it, and you just see this, like, they both just started bowling, and that made me ball. And like, I think I was getting to feel my emotions through seeing other people. Yeah, when you see the emotion in your friends and your family. It helped me to access it, because it still felt so unbelievable, because you don't want to get your hopes up, I guess, and celebrate too much, because it's like, is that what you go through? Yeah, I would say so. It's like, Hey, how you celebrate for me? Kind of, yeah, kind of, and I think on some level, on some level, I've always found it kind of difficult to access my emotions, because I am so, I guess, logical and like, yeah, it's great. It is what it is like. It's just my being, I suppose. And so to access my emotions was. Because I had to, like, drop in, like, I'd have to go listen to the playlists and sit in silence and like, it's not something I don't necessarily get emotional easily. So watching it in my friends was, like, just so helpful to bring it out in me. Yeah, and yeah, I've had that experience telling clients, like, it's just been magical, seeing how much people have held the last two years with you that and you don't even realize, like, energetically, yeah, yeah. And just the hope. I think that's, I think the biggest thing around someone on a fertility journey, isn't it like you don't realize how much hope there is for you from everyone, everyone and mothers in particular, I think I said to you before we hit record, like, I feel like every mother I've told has this knowing that it's like they're in on a secret that I don't really get. Yeah, because they've got this excitement and this joy that I'm like, God, what do you know that I don't know? Like, it must be good, because moms, people who already know the love of a child, they seem to have this response that, to me, is like, you've taken something I haven't. I want that like me that hard. Yeah? So it's been really cool. It's just been, it's been very cool, very connecting, for like, our family and for me and Paul. Paul and I are finally getting excited together. We're starting to plan, like the birth, and we're gonna, you know, find our doula and choose out, like all of that. Now it's like, we're researching. We're getting excited. We've started clearing the nursery. It's it's actually happening now. Oh, mate, I am so unbelievably happy for you, and excited and scared, like all of the things like, Do you know what I mean? But that's, that's life, isn't it? Like you're going to get the full, you know, Ray of being a parent. And it is. It's the, I think the best thing to wait to describe it is it's chaotic and magical all in one, yeah, you know, like, and you get to now go on this journey. There's literally, there's been one day where we both got to bed and we had our, both of us on at the same day. We're like, what have we done? But we actually both said, are you? I'm freaking out a bit. Are you? And he goes, I'm so glad you said that. I'm peaking. He was like, I don't know, have we done the right thing? And we're like, well, we've rolled the dice. Yeah, this is how it felt to us. I hope we like parenthood. We'll roll the dice, and I hope we like it. But now it's like, Well, you got all the tools, mate, all the tools you run the mind school. There is going to be days where you fucking hate it and everyone you know, and there's going to be days where it's like, this is the best time of my life. And so, yeah, it's, it's a wild experience, but I'm so grateful that you're you've shared it, and I'm so eternally honored that I get to be here with you to share the news. And yeah, is there anything else that you want to share in part two, is there any thank yous like, are we going to do a thank you to all like, what you know is there? Because I think a lot of people have been with you on this, like, we feel like your family, you know you have shared, although you haven't shared all the time, and all the details, I think this is a big moment for everyone. So is there anyone you want to thank, or anything else you want to add? I do want to thank everyone. And I didn't realize how much strangers even were holding this with me, and how much people kept me in their thoughts. And I really had no idea, and I've been so overwhelmed by kindness, especially when you know, people would send things to my door without their name, just to be like, I don't know. I've received things from people I don't even know who they are. Oh, and it's like, I just want you to know that I'm still thinking of you, you know, and I will never, ever forget that, and who's shown up, and I'm just so I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful that I've got this platform. I'm so grateful for the community. I'm so grateful for listeners, I'm so grateful for my clients, I'm so grateful for friends. I'm so grateful for people like you. You've been huge. You've been part of this for the last few years, even when we were working together professionally. It's been there this whole time, and I'm so grateful for the humans that are around me. Mate like I said, I just know that you've given so much to everyone else by sharing your story. And you know, when we first started recording the first episode, it was, you know, so people don't feel alone like and so what you're able to do today by sharing your journey, the highs and the lows, is so incredibly special. Thanks hides. Thank you so much for doing this. I don't think it would have been the same story if I tried to do it myself. Oh no, you mate. I don't think you needed me. You're so fantastic. He's so good. What you do. But I guess to wrap it up, you're thinking, girl, yeah, well, obviously I'm gonna go a boy, just to be different and for like, a new little buddy for me. Yes. So when is the baby going to be due? Oh, so fun fact, for two years I've been saying this fucking stubborn little baby. I've called it the stubborn little baby. It's due on my birthday. Oh, when's that? Feb 22nd Oh, so I'm literally getting a little mini me. It's why I think it's a girl. It's probably a stubborn little headstrong thing. But yeah, I'm due February. I'm due on my birthday. I guess we'll see. I have been told I'm high risk already. They're asking that I and that's a whole I'll probably do an episode on this, like I'm already feeling that sense of identity loss. Yes, it's like, you can't exercise. They've told and this is a huge part of you know, they want me to slow down on exercise. They want potential bed rest. Towards the end, they've got to check and see if I need to be stitched up to hold it in, like, there's all of this extra stuff about being high risk that I have to now navigate, yeah, which also brings up a little bit of anger because I didn't want that surgery. So there's still things that I'm like navigating, which I'll do another episode on later, but we need pregnancy diaries. There needs to be, like, a separate segment for where it's just, like little pregnancy updates, and for those who want to listen to it and choose to that's a great idea. Yeah, I think there needs to be two episodes a week, one for the mind school and then one for, like, the mind school, pregnancy journey. So true, because it's, it's a mind it's a minefield, man, already, I'm like, wow, I get it. There's a lot that your identity and who you want to be and what's your legacy. Yeah, there's so much. And I already love the depth that it's taking me. Yeah, yeah. And, as they will all say, every single You just wait. You just wait. By the end of it, you'll be like, shut the fuck up, yeah, just wait till they're two. Wait till they're 30. Yeah, just everything. Yeah, just wait. Just like but, you know, enjoy, enjoy the journey as much as you can. Yeah, and I know that it will be really hard to switch off and not try and take control, I guess. One final question, how many pregnancy tests you reckon you took? Oh, I reckon I've taken at least 20 in the last couple months. Gee, yeah. And I've got them all lined up in my in my bathroom at home. You kept them all. I've kept them. I've kept them to show, like, negative, negative, negative, negative, and then when I got positive, I think I've done probably about 10 positives just to confirm and just to see it again, like, to have my moment. It didn't get old. There was like two weeks there where I kept doing it, just so I could have my little moment of, like, two years every month. Yes, it's all negative, negative, negative. So I've, yeah, I've laughed up the positives mate, we need a PREGNANCY DIARY. Yeah, that's what we will Well, I love you. Congratulations. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you for tuning in to the mind school podcast. It is a massive intention of mine to continue to grow this show, because the more the show grows, the better the guests get, and I know that is going to be so powerful for you listening. So if I could ask this massive favor, it would mean the world if you could please leave a review, hit the Follow button or leave a rating on Spotify, so that we can continue to grow this show and bring you the juiciest, most thought provoking and expansive conversations through incredible guests. Thank you so much for tuning in. I'll see you next week. You.