This story has been recorded at an Addictive Eaters Anonymous meeting in New Zealand, you can email us at contact@AEAnz.org 
And tonight being the first Friday of the month, we have a speaker who will share for about 15 minutes followed by normal sharing. And our speaker tonight as Louise. 
Thank you, Kate. Hi, I'm Louise. I'm an addictive eater.
As Bill Sees It, give myself a topic, I thought.
I don't know, it speaks to me about all that's on offer in this program that I didn't know when I came in. And so I'll just read it, and then I'll share a bit. So it's called A New Life. So as Bill Sees It, page eight and that's from a Grapevine of 1957.
‘Is sobriety, is sobriety all that we are to expect of a spiritual awakening? No, sobriety is only a bare beginning, it is only the first gift of the first awakening. If more gifts are to be received, our awakening has to go on. And it does go on, we find that bit by bit, we can discard the old life, the one that did not work for a new life that can and does work under any conditions, whatever.
Regardless of worldly success or failure, regardless of pain or joy, regardless of sickness, or health, or even of death itself, a new life of endless possibilities can be lived, if we are willing to continue our awakening through the practice of AA‘s 12 steps.‘
And, you know, I just think about when I came in here all I knew was that I was really, really tired of
eating the way I was eating. I'm
...tired of the misery in my head.
I had reached a point where I thought, you know, that's it, I‘m
better or mature or grow up or
blossom, you know, I'm always gonna be this very stilted, unhappy, miserable, disconnected person. And I felt very sad about that. But I accepted it I thought, ‘Oh, well, you know, that's, that's, that's it really, you know, it's all mum‘s fault, of course‘, was what I thought... If only mum had loved me more, I would have been the opposite of all of those things! But, you know, here it was and here I was in all this misery.
I had never specifically looked for solutions to my eating problem. Because I thought the bigger problems were my living problems is how I was looking, you know, I looked at counseling and
you know, ways I could sort of fix that unhappiness in myself, and I just thought that the way I ate,
you know, which, you know, there was the obvious eating which was the binging and the vomiting, which really kind of came to into itself in my teenage years and onwards but
but around that, was just the eating, I was just doing the everyday eating. That may have looked like ‘normal eating‘ to somebody else, but inside I just knew I had all this thinking around my eating and you know, going to a cafe for a coffee and a slice was you know, was just couldn't take anyone with me had to do it alone. I was all lit up with excitement. Oh my god, what was I going to have?!
Going along! Choosing!! Oh it was so painful, oh my god there was so much you know, sitting at the table, eating and drinking with my book or my magazine.
And then at the end of that... the feeling of incredible shame and
that didn't look like somebody having a huge, you know, issue with food, but on the inside,
I just was not normal. I just was not normal around my eating.
But yeah, I just thought that that was just part of this whole thing that I was just, you know, a kind of a mess in so many areas.
happened to see something about a 12 step fellowship for food,
I sort of thought ‘oh yeah, that eating thing, I suppose I can do a bit more therapy oh dear God‘, you know, I'll come along and tell you all about, you know, how mum didn't love me enough. And if she'd hugged me more, I would have been a different person. And, you know, I had it all in my head. I knew, I knew it all. And so I talked to Fran - Thank you, Fran - and refused to be 12 Stepped OMG, I was coming along on my own steam and nobody was telling me what to do!
But luckily, I was so unwell, that all of that sort of sick thinking didn't stop me once I came, from continuing to come back. Because I knew pretty quickly that what was here was something a bit special. And it wasn't people, you know, running around the hall chanting Hari Krishna. And you know, nobody was beating a drum and we weren't in flowing robes.
special. And silent. And
I don‘t know, it was
well it was recovery, I know that now, I could very clearly see it in the older members.
You know, I'd got to that point where I no longer was eaten, because I thought it was fun. You know, the eating the food had me I was eating because I was powerless. And I couldn't stop getting the food, buying the food, eating the food. And so, you know, I was very, very keen for that to sort of no longer be and so I really was open to somebody helping me and somebody, kind of ‘Please, God, take this from me, I can't do it anymore.‘ And I just think, ah, you know, thank you, God that I was in that place when I arrived.
Because yeah, I was willing, I was willing to take the direction to do what was suggested and to
But eventually, I saw, ‘this isn't me, I can't do this. I can't stop myself eating. I can't stop my hand going out to the fruit bowl when I walk past it.
I can't stop going in the bakeries. I just can't stop‘ and yet I wasn't doing it.
And when I sort of realized that I became quite fearful because I thought, oh my god, this could go at any second and how do I ensure this keeps going and oh my god, you know...
What to do? 
But of course, all I needed to do was just keep coming and I was talking to my sponsor and following direction and
you know, she was really
helping me understand
and addicts are bodily and mentally different to other people, and, you know, hearing people sharing about their thinking and their acting around the food. And I really saw yeah, that was just like me, just like me. Not always exactly like me. But, you know, I could see that, yes, there's something, there's something. There's something in this,
you know, us all being addicts.
And of course, not just addicts, but addicts with a solution. And so at first, I didn't really get what people were talking about the solution so much, and
It maybe took me months, I don't know, maybe even years, but in the meantime, I was coming, and I wasn't eating and so my life was getting better.
diagnosed with autism. And so I had like, quite a lot of challenges on the parenting front. But, you know, all throughout all of that, I was being helped
their lives and their recovery and their wellness, and, you know, I knew I knew I was in the right place, I knew it was right.
at times, easy...
And it didn't sometimes seem like it was getting better, I kind of trusted that I wasn't eating and so that was, you know, that was always something I wasn't eating. And so that was
enough. And so, gradually, gradually, over time, you know, I've been able to develop this, you know, inner,
sense of ‘ all is well ‘, and I never had that in the food, I always had the sense of nothing is okay and nothing is well. And so, this ‘ all is well ‘ has come from the fact that I am now the channel between me and my higher power is now no longer blocked with the, with the substance and I
has been able to just gradually gradually unfold, as I have taken all the right actions that are in those 12 steps that that reading talked about. And all of those things that I had to do all of the, you know, looking at my responsibility in my life, you know, my step four, and five, and I mean, you know, looking at those people that I ‘ d harmed and amends and, you know, all of that,
all of that right action, slowly, slowly settled down, that madness in you know, and God was able to start you know, coming up through the air holes and, and, you know, being part of who I am and that, you know, that
desire to live as God would have me live and be as God would have me be, you know, I find that very strong in me and, you know, I very strongly now, see others and, you know, feel
to make life you know, better for someone else to not always be thinking about myself, not always. So, you know, things have just gotten so much better. And, you know, I'm still a long way from perfect and I've seen myself this week with, you know, fear and anxiety and cowardliness and, you know, all sorts of things. I've still got all of it, but
it just feels like there ‘ s a huge, huge, huge
connection to this power greater than myself and to this amazing, amazing fellowship. And you know, these steps, you know, I get to have these steps in my life, and I...
I get just get to have this incredible life that, you know, I know I would have never had going in the direction that I was going I was just heading for, you know,
insanity or death. So, yeah, so very grateful. I'm sure I've missed out huge amounts and not said everything I wanted to say but it's just lovely to be here. Thank you very much.