{"version":"1.0.0","segments":[{"startTime":0.36,"endTime":3.84,"body":"Hi, this speaker has been"},{"startTime":0.36,"endTime":3.84,"body":"recorded at a meeting of"},{"startTime":3.84,"endTime":7.56,"body":"Addictive Eaters Anonymous. For"},{"startTime":3.84,"endTime":7.56,"body":"more information, visit our"},{"startTime":7.56,"endTime":11.88,"body":"website www.aeainfo.org"},{"startTime":11.0,"endTime":21.08,"body":"Thank you, I'm Esther I'm an"},{"startTime":11.0,"endTime":21.08,"body":"addictive eater. Yes, it's"},{"startTime":21.08,"endTime":31.52,"body":"really nice to know who I am"},{"startTime":21.08,"endTime":31.52,"body":"today and what I am. And, you"},{"startTime":31.52,"endTime":37.61,"body":"know, just yeah, just to feel"},{"startTime":31.52,"endTime":37.61,"body":"like, I've got Somewhere I"},{"startTime":37.61,"endTime":39.56,"body":"Belong, you know, and that's"},{"startTime":37.61,"endTime":39.56,"body":"here."},{"startTime":39.0,"endTime":46.8,"body":"Yeah, I guess, for me that that"},{"startTime":39.0,"endTime":46.8,"body":"feeling I was different around"},{"startTime":46.8,"endTime":53.58,"body":"food started pretty early. And I"},{"startTime":46.8,"endTime":53.58,"body":"can definitely remember at about"},{"startTime":53.58,"endTime":57.84,"body":"seven. And, you know, it was"},{"startTime":53.58,"endTime":57.84,"body":"just getting this little thing"},{"startTime":57.84,"endTime":61.62,"body":"inside me that I was like an"},{"startTime":57.84,"endTime":61.62,"body":"itch I couldn't scratch, you"},{"startTime":61.62,"endTime":64.83,"body":"know, until I ate something and"},{"startTime":61.62,"endTime":64.83,"body":"it would, it was just the"},{"startTime":64.83,"endTime":67.8,"body":"thought would come in. And when"},{"startTime":64.83,"endTime":67.8,"body":"it wouldn't leave me alone until"},{"startTime":67.8,"endTime":72.42,"body":"I helped myself to whatever it"},{"startTime":67.8,"endTime":72.42,"body":"was I'd been thinking about. And"},{"startTime":73.56,"endTime":75.93,"body":"then, you know, it was always"},{"startTime":73.56,"endTime":75.93,"body":"only going to be one but it"},{"startTime":75.93,"endTime":81.33,"body":"never was. And so I would often"},{"startTime":75.93,"endTime":81.33,"body":"get caught, you know, and asked,"},{"startTime":82.08,"endTime":86.88,"body":"'Did you eat this?' You know, I"},{"startTime":82.08,"endTime":86.88,"body":"always said no. And, you know,"},{"startTime":86.88,"endTime":92.73,"body":"even when I knew that my mother"},{"startTime":86.88,"endTime":92.73,"body":"knew that it was me but, you"},{"startTime":92.73,"endTime":97.53,"body":"know, couldn't be honest. So. So"},{"startTime":92.73,"endTime":97.53,"body":"yeah, so dishonesty for me was a"},{"startTime":97.53,"endTime":101.97,"body":"very big thing. And my mom"},{"startTime":97.53,"endTime":101.97,"body":"actually gave me I can't"},{"startTime":101.97,"endTime":105.54,"body":"remember how old I was maybe"},{"startTime":101.97,"endTime":105.54,"body":"about 10. Or around that age, a"},{"startTime":105.54,"endTime":108.93,"body":"little figurine. And it was"},{"startTime":105.54,"endTime":108.93,"body":"Pinocchio. You know, because"},{"startTime":108.93,"endTime":112.8,"body":"that's, that was my reputation"},{"startTime":108.93,"endTime":112.8,"body":"in the family (laughter). You"},{"startTime":112.8,"endTime":117.42,"body":"know, so. And yeah, that was all"},{"startTime":112.8,"endTime":117.42,"body":"I couldn't be honest because I"},{"startTime":117.42,"endTime":120.72,"body":"was terrified of, you know, what"},{"startTime":117.42,"endTime":120.72,"body":"she'd say, and my mom... The"},{"startTime":120.72,"endTime":123.93,"body":"funny thing was that if you were"},{"startTime":120.72,"endTime":123.93,"body":"honest, you didn't get in"},{"startTime":123.93,"endTime":129.93,"body":"trouble. But I couldn't,"},{"startTime":123.93,"endTime":129.93,"body":"couldn't do it. So yeah, that"},{"startTime":129.93,"endTime":134.22,"body":"just that fear, dishonesty, and"},{"startTime":129.93,"endTime":134.22,"body":"the eating, just, you know, was"},{"startTime":134.22,"endTime":144.81,"body":"a pattern in my life, all the"},{"startTime":134.22,"endTime":144.81,"body":"way through. And I, for you"},{"startTime":144.81,"endTime":148.11,"body":"know, during my childhood, I"},{"startTime":144.81,"endTime":148.11,"body":"never I don't think I ever"},{"startTime":148.11,"endTime":153.45,"body":"thought once about my weight, or"},{"startTime":148.11,"endTime":153.45,"body":"my size, or anything, but when I"},{"startTime":153.45,"endTime":157.23,"body":"was about 15, I saw a photo of"},{"startTime":153.45,"endTime":157.23,"body":"myself and I was shocked at what"},{"startTime":157.23,"endTime":163.95,"body":"I looked like. Because I had put"},{"startTime":157.23,"endTime":163.95,"body":"on weight by then, and had no"},{"startTime":163.95,"endTime":168.87,"body":"idea until I saw this photo. And"},{"startTime":163.95,"endTime":168.87,"body":"then, you know, I started to"},{"startTime":170.25,"endTime":175.62,"body":"just try in little ways to find"},{"startTime":170.25,"endTime":175.62,"body":"ways to not eat so much and you"},{"startTime":175.62,"endTime":178.95,"body":"know, in the beginning, it was"},{"startTime":175.62,"endTime":178.95,"body":"pretty harmless, you know it"},{"startTime":178.95,"endTime":181.89,"body":"might be I'd come home from"},{"startTime":178.95,"endTime":181.89,"body":"netball practice, and I wouldn't"},{"startTime":181.89,"endTime":185.04,"body":"be very hungry, so wouldn't have"},{"startTime":181.89,"endTime":185.04,"body":"a full dinner or something like"},{"startTime":185.04,"endTime":191.22,"body":"that. But, you know, just"},{"startTime":185.04,"endTime":191.22,"body":"quickly, you know, that just"},{"startTime":191.22,"endTime":195.03,"body":"started a whole 'nother trick, I"},{"startTime":191.22,"endTime":195.03,"body":"found that it was much easier"},{"startTime":195.03,"endTime":199.65,"body":"for me not to start eating than"},{"startTime":195.03,"endTime":199.65,"body":"it was to start eating and then"},{"startTime":199.65,"endTime":205.29,"body":"stop. Or actually, I couldn't do"},{"startTime":199.65,"endTime":205.29,"body":"that, you know, so. So that that"},{"startTime":205.29,"endTime":209.52,"body":"was the only way I knew how to"},{"startTime":205.29,"endTime":209.52,"body":"control my eating. And that just"},{"startTime":209.52,"endTime":213.6,"body":"became the extremes became more"},{"startTime":209.52,"endTime":213.6,"body":"extreme, you know, so the"},{"startTime":213.6,"endTime":216.48,"body":"not-eating became more extreme"},{"startTime":213.6,"endTime":216.48,"body":"and the eating became more"},{"startTime":216.48,"endTime":227.16,"body":"extreme. And then when I finally"},{"startTime":216.48,"endTime":227.16,"body":"did kind of realize there was"},{"startTime":227.16,"endTime":232.86,"body":"something really wrong. I was"},{"startTime":227.16,"endTime":232.86,"body":"just this one day and my mind"},{"startTime":232.86,"endTime":237.09,"body":"was going over and over and over"},{"startTime":232.86,"endTime":237.09,"body":"and over again about you know,"},{"startTime":237.09,"endTime":239.97,"body":"what can I eat? How can I lose"},{"startTime":237.09,"endTime":239.97,"body":"weight? And that was just like"},{"startTime":239.97,"endTime":244.38,"body":"the this huge battle going on in"},{"startTime":239.97,"endTime":244.38,"body":"my mind. And that's when I first"},{"startTime":244.38,"endTime":249.99,"body":"picked up the phone and and"},{"startTime":244.38,"endTime":249.99,"body":"tried to get help. And yeah when"},{"startTime":249.99,"endTime":253.32,"body":"I got to the meeting in"},{"startTime":249.99,"endTime":253.32,"body":"Wellington where I'm from there"},{"startTime":253.32,"endTime":258.12,"body":"were only a few people there so"},{"startTime":253.32,"endTime":258.12,"body":"it's you know, hasn't it's the"},{"startTime":258.12,"endTime":262.02,"body":"same now, but the people that"},{"startTime":258.12,"endTime":262.02,"body":"were there had a message that I"},{"startTime":262.83,"endTime":266.52,"body":"could, I don't know that I don't"},{"startTime":262.83,"endTime":266.52,"body":"didn't know what the message"},{"startTime":266.52,"endTime":270.75,"body":"really was, but I could feel"},{"startTime":266.52,"endTime":270.75,"body":"that they they weren't doing"},{"startTime":270.75,"endTime":273.6,"body":"what I was doing anymore, and"},{"startTime":270.75,"endTime":273.6,"body":"they talked about it and I"},{"startTime":273.6,"endTime":280.95,"body":"believed them. And I didn't ever"},{"startTime":273.6,"endTime":280.95,"body":"consider leaving those meetings,"},{"startTime":280.95,"endTime":285.9,"body":"I kept going but but I"},{"startTime":280.95,"endTime":285.9,"body":"absolutely could not be honest,"},{"startTime":286.53,"endTime":294.51,"body":"and particularly about the"},{"startTime":286.53,"endTime":294.51,"body":"exercise that I still felt I"},{"startTime":294.51,"endTime":300.93,"body":"needed to do. So that was that"},{"startTime":294.51,"endTime":300.93,"body":"actually was seven years of"},{"startTime":301.5,"endTime":305.88,"body":"coming to meetings, you know,"},{"startTime":301.5,"endTime":305.88,"body":"trying to do the things I"},{"startTime":305.88,"endTime":311.07,"body":"thought I saw other people doing"},{"startTime":305.88,"endTime":311.07,"body":"here. And in the meantime,"},{"startTime":311.37,"endTime":316.38,"body":"having a secret life really just"},{"startTime":311.37,"endTime":316.38,"body":"of, you know, going up as many"},{"startTime":316.38,"endTime":321.18,"body":"stairs as I could and having to"},{"startTime":316.38,"endTime":321.18,"body":"walk to work every day. And if I"},{"startTime":321.18,"endTime":325.74,"body":"didn't, you know I was actually"},{"startTime":321.18,"endTime":325.74,"body":"sick. And I couldn't go, or you"},{"startTime":325.74,"endTime":330.51,"body":"know, if I, for whatever reason,"},{"startTime":325.74,"endTime":330.51,"body":"I would feel very anxious. And"},{"startTime":331.14,"endTime":338.25,"body":"you and I never talked about it"},{"startTime":331.14,"endTime":338.25,"body":"with my sponsor. And after yeah,"},{"startTime":338.25,"endTime":342.36,"body":"after that, seven years,"},{"startTime":338.25,"endTime":342.36,"body":"everything kind of fell apart."},{"startTime":343.86,"endTime":346.71,"body":"In I just think that was me"},{"startTime":343.86,"endTime":346.71,"body":"hitting my rock bottom,"},{"startTime":346.74,"endTime":349.92,"body":"physically, mentally,"},{"startTime":346.74,"endTime":349.92,"body":"spiritually, emotionally, I"},{"startTime":349.92,"endTime":356.07,"body":"think those are all the, all the"},{"startTime":349.92,"endTime":356.07,"body":"aspects of it. I was very"},{"startTime":356.07,"endTime":360.54,"body":"puzzled. And then one day,"},{"startTime":356.07,"endTime":360.54,"body":"someone who had been in recovery"},{"startTime":360.54,"endTime":363.63,"body":"for many years, came to"},{"startTime":360.54,"endTime":363.63,"body":"Wellington and shared her story."},{"startTime":364.14,"endTime":366.21,"body":"And I woke up in the middle of"},{"startTime":364.14,"endTime":366.21,"body":"the night, and I thought, I"},{"startTime":366.21,"endTime":370.8,"body":"haven't got what she's got. And"},{"startTime":366.21,"endTime":370.8,"body":"I thought it's the exercise, you"},{"startTime":370.8,"endTime":373.11,"body":"know, and it's the first time"},{"startTime":370.8,"endTime":373.11,"body":"I'd actually been honest with"},{"startTime":373.11,"endTime":377.64,"body":"myself, the next day, I spoke to"},{"startTime":373.11,"endTime":377.64,"body":"someone in the fellowship about"},{"startTime":377.64,"endTime":386.46,"body":"it, and and was honest with"},{"startTime":377.64,"endTime":386.46,"body":"them, and then, you know, I"},{"startTime":386.46,"endTime":389.85,"body":"still couldn't stop. And that"},{"startTime":386.46,"endTime":389.85,"body":"was the scariest thing, you"},{"startTime":389.85,"endTime":393.36,"body":"know, I would, it would be like"},{"startTime":389.85,"endTime":393.36,"body":"the person beating their head on"},{"startTime":393.36,"endTime":398.85,"body":"the bar, you know, I just find"},{"startTime":393.36,"endTime":398.85,"body":"myself doing it. And yeah I"},{"startTime":398.85,"endTime":401.61,"body":"didn't, I didn't know what to"},{"startTime":398.85,"endTime":401.61,"body":"do. And just this one day, I"},{"startTime":401.61,"endTime":404.55,"body":"just got down on my knees. And I"},{"startTime":401.61,"endTime":404.55,"body":"don't know where it came from,"},{"startTime":404.55,"endTime":410.91,"body":"but I just asked for one day"},{"startTime":404.55,"endTime":410.91,"body":"sober off everything. And I"},{"startTime":410.91,"endTime":415.47,"body":"knew, I just knew I couldn't do"},{"startTime":410.91,"endTime":415.47,"body":"it. I just didn't, I didn't"},{"startTime":415.47,"endTime":418.5,"body":"really know what I was asking. I"},{"startTime":415.47,"endTime":418.5,"body":"just thought, you know, I can't"},{"startTime":418.5,"endTime":423.42,"body":"do this. And that was when"},{"startTime":418.5,"endTime":423.42,"body":"things changed, you know, began"},{"startTime":423.42,"endTime":428.97,"body":"to change. In that, one day at a"},{"startTime":423.42,"endTime":428.97,"body":"time, I was able to not pick up"},{"startTime":428.97,"endTime":436.8,"body":"the first one but I still wanted"},{"startTime":428.97,"endTime":436.8,"body":"to. So it was hard. It was hard."},{"startTime":437.28,"endTime":440.64,"body":"I don't know how long that went"},{"startTime":437.28,"endTime":440.64,"body":"on for but it was for a couple"},{"startTime":440.64,"endTime":447.96,"body":"of years. That was very painful."},{"startTime":440.64,"endTime":447.96,"body":"And you know, and just, yeah, I"},{"startTime":447.96,"endTime":454.53,"body":"was full of fear. But. Something"},{"startTime":447.96,"endTime":454.53,"body":"had changed. And I was able to,"},{"startTime":454.71,"endTime":459.15,"body":"you know, you know, follow this"},{"startTime":454.71,"endTime":459.15,"body":"program in a way I never had"},{"startTime":459.15,"endTime":465.48,"body":"been able to before. Yeah, and"},{"startTime":459.15,"endTime":465.48,"body":"and just, it's funny, because"},{"startTime":465.48,"endTime":468.24,"body":"when I go back to Wellington, to"},{"startTime":465.48,"endTime":468.24,"body":"actually at the end of the"},{"startTime":468.24,"endTime":471.9,"body":"month, I'm starting a new job."},{"startTime":468.24,"endTime":471.9,"body":"And the job was with someone"},{"startTime":471.9,"endTime":475.59,"body":"that I used to work for. So I'll"},{"startTime":471.9,"endTime":475.59,"body":"be working for this man, who I,"},{"startTime":475.62,"endTime":480.81,"body":"worked for years ago, and at"},{"startTime":475.62,"endTime":480.81,"body":"that time, when I started"},{"startTime":480.81,"endTime":485.13,"body":"working for him, I was I had"},{"startTime":480.81,"endTime":485.13,"body":"been kept on at that workplace,"},{"startTime":485.13,"endTime":488.31,"body":"basically out of kindness,"},{"startTime":485.13,"endTime":488.31,"body":"because that was when things"},{"startTime":488.31,"endTime":492.18,"body":"were so bad. I wasn't actually"},{"startTime":488.31,"endTime":492.18,"body":"there very often, to be honest."},{"startTime":492.96,"endTime":496.11,"body":"You know, I wasn't there very"},{"startTime":492.96,"endTime":496.11,"body":"often before he started in that"},{"startTime":496.11,"endTime":503.52,"body":"job. And I had a very lovely"},{"startTime":496.11,"endTime":503.52,"body":"manager, who, you know, just was"},{"startTime":503.52,"endTime":510.99,"body":"so kind to me. And then she left"},{"startTime":503.52,"endTime":510.99,"body":"and this new man started. And I"},{"startTime":510.99,"endTime":517.83,"body":"walked into his office the first"},{"startTime":510.99,"endTime":517.83,"body":"time I met him, and he, you"},{"startTime":517.83,"endTime":521.52,"body":"know, and no one tells you this,"},{"startTime":517.83,"endTime":521.52,"body":"but he's he was born blind. So"},{"startTime":521.52,"endTime":524.22,"body":"you know, here's my manager who"},{"startTime":521.52,"endTime":524.22,"body":"was blind, but no one mentioned"},{"startTime":524.22,"endTime":529.62,"body":"it before he started, of course."},{"startTime":524.22,"endTime":529.62,"body":"And I just, I remember, in our"},{"startTime":529.62,"endTime":533.13,"body":"very first conversation, I said,"},{"startTime":529.62,"endTime":533.13,"body":"'I'm an alcoholic and an"},{"startTime":533.13,"endTime":538.95,"body":"addictive eater, and I'm just,"},{"startTime":533.13,"endTime":538.95,"body":"I've just got sober' and, you"},{"startTime":538.95,"endTime":542.61,"body":"know, so I, you know, he must"},{"startTime":538.95,"endTime":542.61,"body":"have thought, 'Oh, my goodness!"},{"startTime":542.61,"endTime":549.57,"body":"What have I got here.' And, and"},{"startTime":542.61,"endTime":549.57,"body":"the funny thing was, is he could"},{"startTime":549.63,"endTime":553.53,"body":"hear, he could tell immediately"},{"startTime":549.63,"endTime":553.53,"body":"if someone was not telling the"},{"startTime":553.53,"endTime":558.06,"body":"truth. And I was so fearful, I"},{"startTime":553.53,"endTime":558.06,"body":"was lying to him all the time. I"},{"startTime":558.06,"endTime":562.14,"body":"couldn't help myself. I can't"},{"startTime":558.06,"endTime":562.14,"body":"remember the lies. But, you"},{"startTime":562.14,"endTime":565.5,"body":"know, they were just they"},{"startTime":562.14,"endTime":565.5,"body":"weren't... They were just silly"},{"startTime":565.5,"endTime":567.87,"body":"things, but I couldn't tell him"},{"startTime":565.5,"endTime":567.87,"body":"the truth. And there was this"},{"startTime":567.87,"endTime":571.62,"body":"one day where he asked me"},{"startTime":567.87,"endTime":571.62,"body":"something directly. I really"},{"startTime":571.62,"endTime":577.44,"body":"wanted to lie. And I told the"},{"startTime":571.62,"endTime":577.44,"body":"truth. And that was a turning"},{"startTime":577.44,"endTime":579.48,"body":"point, I think in our"},{"startTime":577.44,"endTime":579.48,"body":"relationship, and we actually"},{"startTime":579.48,"endTime":583.44,"body":"had a very, very good"},{"startTime":579.48,"endTime":583.44,"body":"relationship, although when he"},{"startTime":583.44,"endTime":587.13,"body":"left and he said, he gave a"},{"startTime":583.44,"endTime":587.13,"body":"speech and he said, 'I think"},{"startTime":587.13,"endTime":590.85,"body":"Esther was scared of me when I"},{"startTime":587.13,"endTime":590.85,"body":"started here.' And I didn't get"},{"startTime":590.88,"endTime":596.01,"body":"I didn't say, 'Well, yes I was.'"},{"startTime":590.88,"endTime":596.01,"body":"But anyway, I'm not scared of"},{"startTime":596.01,"endTime":599.88,"body":"him now. And, you know,"},{"startTime":596.01,"endTime":599.88,"body":"obviously he's given me a job."},{"startTime":599.88,"endTime":602.88,"body":"Which is lovely, and I'm really"},{"startTime":599.88,"endTime":602.88,"body":"looking forward to working with"},{"startTime":602.88,"endTime":606.21,"body":"him again. And it just makes me"},{"startTime":602.88,"endTime":606.21,"body":"think how much things have"},{"startTime":606.21,"endTime":612.78,"body":"changed. You know that I'm not"},{"startTime":606.21,"endTime":612.78,"body":"scared. I'm not scared in the"},{"startTime":612.78,"endTime":618.66,"body":"same way I was, you know, like,"},{"startTime":612.78,"endTime":618.66,"body":"I'm not I haven't become"},{"startTime":618.66,"endTime":623.88,"body":"superhuman or anything like that"},{"startTime":618.66,"endTime":623.88,"body":"it's just for whatever reason"},{"startTime":623.91,"endTime":626.91,"body":"the, you know, when it sees I"},{"startTime":623.91,"endTime":626.91,"body":"think it's one of the promises"},{"startTime":626.91,"endTime":632.58,"body":"says, um, fear of people and of"},{"startTime":626.91,"endTime":632.58,"body":"financial insecurity will leave"},{"startTime":632.58,"endTime":636.63,"body":"us. And I used to hear that and"},{"startTime":632.58,"endTime":636.63,"body":"think, 'Well, that is NEVER"},{"startTime":636.78,"endTime":637.95,"body":"going to happen.'"},{"startTime":639.61,"endTime":644.77,"body":"And I can't say it has 100% but"},{"startTime":639.61,"endTime":644.77,"body":"it has much more than I ever"},{"startTime":644.77,"endTime":653.98,"body":"thought would be possible. So"},{"startTime":644.77,"endTime":653.98,"body":"yeah, I'm very ...yeah, and just"},{"startTime":653.98,"endTime":658.51,"body":"the last thing I'll say is that"},{"startTime":653.98,"endTime":658.51,"body":"because, you know, that, for me"},{"startTime":658.51,"endTime":664.9,"body":"the honesty to be able to be"},{"startTime":658.51,"endTime":664.9,"body":"honest, I have to be, you know,"},{"startTime":664.9,"endTime":670.57,"body":"have to avoid fear at all costs,"},{"startTime":664.9,"endTime":670.57,"body":"because that's when I start, you"},{"startTime":670.57,"endTime":677.68,"body":"know, lying, is when I'm scared"},{"startTime":670.57,"endTime":677.68,"body":"so, say that I'm just really"},{"startTime":678.34,"endTime":681.22,"body":"looking forward to listening to"},{"startTime":678.34,"endTime":681.22,"body":"others. So thank you."}]}