{"version":"1.0.0","segments":[{"startTime":0.0,"endTime":3.6,"body":"Hello, this speaker has been"},{"startTime":0.0,"endTime":3.6,"body":"recorded at a meeting of"},{"startTime":3.6,"endTime":7.98,"body":"Addictive Eaters Anonymous. For"},{"startTime":3.6,"endTime":7.98,"body":"more information, visit our"},{"startTime":7.98,"endTime":12.45,"body":"website www.aeainfo.org"},{"startTime":14.91,"endTime":17.1,"body":"I'm Jill and I'm an addictive"},{"startTime":14.91,"endTime":17.1,"body":"eater."},{"startTime":14.91,"endTime":19.095,"body":"Just thinking today, I"},{"startTime":14.91,"endTime":19.095,"body":"absolutely know it's a privilege"},{"startTime":19.172,"endTime":23.814,"body":"to speak, it's a privilege to be"},{"startTime":19.172,"endTime":23.814,"body":"a member of this fellowship."},{"startTime":23.89,"endTime":28.381,"body":"It's a privilege to be alive,"},{"startTime":23.89,"endTime":28.381,"body":"it's a privilege to be asked."},{"startTime":28.457,"endTime":33.404,"body":"And, you know, hopefully when we"},{"startTime":28.457,"endTime":33.404,"body":"share our stories that will help"},{"startTime":33.48,"endTime":37.97,"body":"someone else. But it hasn't"},{"startTime":33.48,"endTime":37.97,"body":"stopped me being really nervous"},{"startTime":38.046,"endTime":42.613,"body":"all week. I actually woke up in"},{"startTime":38.046,"endTime":42.613,"body":"the middle of the night last"},{"startTime":42.689,"endTime":47.484,"body":"night, and I was doing my talk"},{"startTime":42.689,"endTime":47.484,"body":"at the meeting. And having spent"},{"startTime":47.56,"endTime":52.126,"body":"a whole week just being anxious"},{"startTime":47.56,"endTime":52.126,"body":"I was so disappointed when I"},{"startTime":52.202,"endTime":57.149,"body":"woke up and realized I'd have to"},{"startTime":52.202,"endTime":57.149,"body":"do it all over again, wasn't the"},{"startTime":57.226,"endTime":61.716,"body":"real thing. And I thought that"},{"startTime":57.226,"endTime":61.716,"body":"is self centeredness of this"},{"startTime":61.792,"endTime":66.282,"body":"disease. You know, and I know"},{"startTime":61.792,"endTime":66.282,"body":"that that will get better one"},{"startTime":66.359,"endTime":70.621,"body":"day. But it is... It is an"},{"startTime":66.359,"endTime":70.621,"body":"absolute pleasure to be here."},{"startTime":70.697,"endTime":74.959,"body":"And you know, you always hope"},{"startTime":70.697,"endTime":74.959,"body":"that your story might help"},{"startTime":75.035,"endTime":79.906,"body":"someone else. So I was thinking"},{"startTime":75.035,"endTime":79.906,"body":"this week about our meeting last"},{"startTime":79.982,"endTime":84.624,"body":"Monday. And people were talking"},{"startTime":79.982,"endTime":84.624,"body":"about gratitude, and somebody"},{"startTime":84.701,"endTime":88.81,"body":"was sharing about how they"},{"startTime":84.701,"endTime":88.81,"body":"didn't think they were ever"},{"startTime":88.887,"endTime":93.149,"body":"grateful when they were eating"},{"startTime":88.887,"endTime":93.149,"body":"before they came into the"},{"startTime":93.225,"endTime":97.715,"body":"program. And I was trying to"},{"startTime":93.225,"endTime":97.715,"body":"think about whether I ever was"},{"startTime":97.791,"endTime":102.662,"body":"grateful, because I was a pretty"},{"startTime":97.791,"endTime":102.662,"body":"sour person. And I thought, you"},{"startTime":102.738,"endTime":107.457,"body":"know, and I find this, there's a"},{"startTime":102.738,"endTime":107.457,"body":"lot of things about me that I"},{"startTime":107.533,"endTime":112.48,"body":"think are really weird. And this"},{"startTime":107.533,"endTime":112.48,"body":"is one I thought the one thing I"},{"startTime":112.556,"endTime":117.427,"body":"was always grateful for was that"},{"startTime":112.556,"endTime":117.427,"body":"when I get out of this hellhole"},{"startTime":117.503,"endTime":122.298,"body":"of my life, right now, life is"},{"startTime":117.503,"endTime":122.298,"body":"going to be better next time. So"},{"startTime":122.374,"endTime":127.169,"body":"you know, when I was at school,"},{"startTime":122.374,"endTime":127.169,"body":"life was going to be wonderful."},{"startTime":127.245,"endTime":132.116,"body":"When I left home, when I left my"},{"startTime":127.245,"endTime":132.116,"body":"parents, when I went leave this"},{"startTime":132.192,"endTime":136.53,"body":"terrible town I was living in,"},{"startTime":132.192,"endTime":136.53,"body":"and I left home and things"},{"startTime":136.606,"endTime":140.944,"body":"didn't get any better. And I"},{"startTime":136.606,"endTime":140.944,"body":"knew that it was going to be"},{"startTime":141.021,"endTime":145.739,"body":"wonderful when I went overseas."},{"startTime":141.021,"endTime":145.739,"body":"So you know, I toddled off, as"},{"startTime":145.815,"endTime":150.23,"body":"you do, to the other side of the"},{"startTime":145.815,"endTime":150.23,"body":"world, and life never got"},{"startTime":150.306,"endTime":155.101,"body":"better. And I think, you know,"},{"startTime":150.306,"endTime":155.101,"body":"what a sad way to live, thinking"},{"startTime":155.177,"endTime":159.971,"body":"about how life is always going"},{"startTime":155.177,"endTime":159.971,"body":"to be better somewhere else. And"},{"startTime":160.048,"endTime":164.538,"body":"I don't live like that today."},{"startTime":160.048,"endTime":164.538,"body":"And I feel very grateful and,"},{"startTime":164.614,"endTime":169.333,"body":"you know, I was just thinking"},{"startTime":164.614,"endTime":169.333,"body":"about the whole thing of altered"},{"startTime":169.409,"endTime":173.899,"body":"attitudes and how my attitudes"},{"startTime":169.409,"endTime":173.899,"body":"have changed. And, you know,"},{"startTime":173.975,"endTime":178.694,"body":"I've often shared that when I"},{"startTime":173.975,"endTime":178.694,"body":"first came to this program, that"},{"startTime":178.77,"endTime":183.413,"body":"was, you know, and I saw the"},{"startTime":178.77,"endTime":183.413,"body":"steps, and I knew I needed to be"},{"startTime":183.489,"endTime":188.208,"body":"here. But there wasn't anything"},{"startTime":183.489,"endTime":188.208,"body":"in this program that I thought"},{"startTime":188.284,"endTime":193.078,"body":"was a good idea. You know, I'd"},{"startTime":188.284,"endTime":193.078,"body":"be, I was a long term atheist, I"},{"startTime":193.155,"endTime":197.873,"body":"certainly didn't want a God in"},{"startTime":193.155,"endTime":197.873,"body":"my life, I was horrified when I"},{"startTime":197.949,"endTime":202.288,"body":"saw the word God, absolutely"},{"startTime":197.949,"endTime":202.288,"body":"horrified by it. You know, I"},{"startTime":202.364,"endTime":207.082,"body":"certainly didn't want to hand my"},{"startTime":202.364,"endTime":207.082,"body":"life over to to God or anyone"},{"startTime":207.158,"endTime":211.877,"body":"else. I didn't want to take my"},{"startTime":207.158,"endTime":211.877,"body":"inventory because the world had"},{"startTime":211.953,"endTime":216.824,"body":"dealt me a bad deal all my life."},{"startTime":211.953,"endTime":216.824,"body":"And it was always all everybody"},{"startTime":216.9,"endTime":221.086,"body":"else's fault. You know, I"},{"startTime":216.9,"endTime":221.086,"body":"certainly didn't want to make"},{"startTime":221.162,"endTime":225.957,"body":"amends to people. And probably"},{"startTime":221.162,"endTime":225.957,"body":"above all, I didn't want to help"},{"startTime":226.033,"endTime":230.752,"body":"anyone else ever. I thought that"},{"startTime":226.033,"endTime":230.752,"body":"was what we people who didn't"},{"startTime":230.828,"endTime":235.547,"body":"have a life did, they ran around"},{"startTime":230.828,"endTime":235.547,"body":"helping other people. And you"},{"startTime":235.623,"endTime":240.113,"body":"know, that's another thing. I"},{"startTime":235.623,"endTime":240.113,"body":"look back on those attitudes."},{"startTime":240.189,"endTime":244.68,"body":"And I just think that was a"},{"startTime":240.189,"endTime":244.68,"body":"really sad way to live. And you"},{"startTime":244.756,"endTime":249.17,"body":"know, I lived like that for"},{"startTime":244.756,"endTime":249.17,"body":"years and years and years. And"},{"startTime":249.246,"endTime":253.052,"body":"I'm always grateful for one"},{"startTime":249.246,"endTime":253.052,"body":"thing above every one,"},{"startTime":253.128,"endTime":257.922,"body":"everything else is that I didn't"},{"startTime":253.128,"endTime":257.922,"body":"have a better idea. I knew the"},{"startTime":257.999,"endTime":262.185,"body":"answer was here. And certainly"},{"startTime":257.999,"endTime":262.185,"body":"when I first came to the"},{"startTime":262.261,"endTime":266.979,"body":"program, it was in AA and I was"},{"startTime":262.261,"endTime":266.979,"body":"in a state of desperation. But"},{"startTime":267.055,"endTime":271.622,"body":"when I came to AEA, I wanted"},{"startTime":267.055,"endTime":271.622,"body":"what you have what you had, but"},{"startTime":271.698,"endTime":276.341,"body":"I wasn't desperate. And I knew I"},{"startTime":271.698,"endTime":276.341,"body":"wasn't desperate. My sponsor"},{"startTime":276.417,"endTime":280.983,"body":"often used to talk about how"},{"startTime":276.417,"endTime":280.983,"body":"this programe is for people who"},{"startTime":281.059,"endTime":285.169,"body":"are desperate. And I knew I"},{"startTime":281.059,"endTime":285.169,"body":"wasn't but I didn't have a"},{"startTime":285.245,"endTime":289.812,"body":"better idea. Somehow. I knew"},{"startTime":285.245,"endTime":289.812,"body":"that the answer was here. And I"},{"startTime":289.888,"endTime":294.607,"body":"feel so grateful today that I"},{"startTime":289.888,"endTime":294.607,"body":"kept coming and it took me a lot"},{"startTime":294.683,"endTime":299.097,"body":"of years in this program to"},{"startTime":294.683,"endTime":299.097,"body":"surrender with relation to the"},{"startTime":299.173,"endTime":303.435,"body":"food. I don't know, if I've"},{"startTime":299.173,"endTime":303.435,"body":"surrendered every everything"},{"startTime":303.511,"endTime":307.393,"body":"else, you know, I'd like to"},{"startTime":303.511,"endTime":307.393,"body":"think I have completely"},{"startTime":307.469,"endTime":312.035,"body":"surrendered my will. But I think"},{"startTime":307.469,"endTime":312.035,"body":"that is not the case. But I"},{"startTime":312.111,"endTime":316.373,"body":"always after I came into this"},{"startTime":312.111,"endTime":316.373,"body":"program, I always had this"},{"startTime":316.45,"endTime":321.092,"body":"little idea in the back of my"},{"startTime":316.45,"endTime":321.092,"body":"mind that my case was different"},{"startTime":321.168,"endTime":325.963,"body":"in that I could do things that"},{"startTime":321.168,"endTime":325.963,"body":"other people couldn't do. And it"},{"startTime":326.039,"endTime":330.91,"body":"took me a lot of years of eating"},{"startTime":326.039,"endTime":330.91,"body":"on this program and lying about"},{"startTime":330.986,"endTime":335.324,"body":"it. Until I did get to that"},{"startTime":330.986,"endTime":335.324,"body":"point where I didn't have any"},{"startTime":335.4,"endTime":339.967,"body":"answers anymore. I was just"},{"startTime":335.4,"endTime":339.967,"body":"completely emotionally bankrupt,"},{"startTime":340.043,"endTime":344.61,"body":"I suppose I didn't, I don't I"},{"startTime":340.043,"endTime":344.61,"body":"don't think I saw it like that"},{"startTime":344.686,"endTime":349.328,"body":"at the time. But I certainly"},{"startTime":344.686,"endTime":349.328,"body":"knew that I just had no answers."},{"startTime":349.404,"endTime":353.666,"body":"I just couldn't do it anymore"},{"startTime":349.404,"endTime":353.666,"body":"spent years lying, hiding,"},{"startTime":353.743,"endTime":358.081,"body":"getting afraid of being sprung,"},{"startTime":353.743,"endTime":358.081,"body":"always looking around the"},{"startTime":358.157,"endTime":362.495,"body":"supermarket in case somebody saw"},{"startTime":358.157,"endTime":362.495,"body":"me buying something that"},{"startTime":362.571,"endTime":367.138,"body":"wouldn't be on my foodplan, but"},{"startTime":362.571,"endTime":367.138,"body":"above all, I always reserved"},{"startTime":367.214,"endTime":371.628,"body":"that right to make my own"},{"startTime":367.214,"endTime":371.628,"body":"decisions at the end of the day,"},{"startTime":371.704,"endTime":376.499,"body":"and, for a lot of that time, I"},{"startTime":371.704,"endTime":376.499,"body":"think I was probably eating on a"},{"startTime":376.575,"endTime":380.913,"body":"food plan for a lot of that"},{"startTime":376.575,"endTime":380.913,"body":"time. But, to me, I was never"},{"startTime":380.989,"endTime":385.556,"body":"off the food. Even if I was"},{"startTime":380.989,"endTime":385.556,"body":"eating on a food plan for years,"},{"startTime":385.632,"endTime":389.742,"body":"I was never off the food,"},{"startTime":385.632,"endTime":389.742,"body":"because I always reserve the"},{"startTime":389.818,"endTime":394.536,"body":"right to do what I wanted to do."},{"startTime":389.818,"endTime":394.536,"body":"And that's what I was like my"},{"startTime":394.613,"endTime":399.255,"body":"entire life as a kid! So the"},{"startTime":394.613,"endTime":399.255,"body":"family rules didn't apply to me,"},{"startTime":399.331,"endTime":403.517,"body":"certainly the drinking laws"},{"startTime":399.331,"endTime":403.517,"body":"didn't apply to me, nothing"},{"startTime":403.593,"endTime":408.084,"body":"applied to me, you know, I was"},{"startTime":403.593,"endTime":408.084,"body":"always different, I could do"},{"startTime":408.16,"endTime":412.498,"body":"what I wanted. And it was"},{"startTime":408.16,"endTime":412.498,"body":"actually a relief. I don't know"},{"startTime":412.574,"endTime":416.76,"body":"if it was a relief. But"},{"startTime":412.574,"endTime":416.76,"body":"certainly, it felt like the end"},{"startTime":416.836,"endTime":421.174,"body":"of a battle. To get to that"},{"startTime":416.836,"endTime":421.174,"body":"point of thinking, I can't do"},{"startTime":421.25,"endTime":425.817,"body":"this anymore. After years of"},{"startTime":421.25,"endTime":425.817,"body":"fighting the food, just to give"},{"startTime":425.893,"endTime":430.155,"body":"up, I just couldn't do it"},{"startTime":425.893,"endTime":430.155,"body":"anymore. And that was when the"},{"startTime":430.231,"endTime":434.798,"body":"the desire to eat was taken"},{"startTime":430.231,"endTime":434.798,"body":"away. I never thought that would"},{"startTime":434.874,"endTime":439.44,"body":"happen. And I didn't know what"},{"startTime":434.874,"endTime":439.44,"body":"was going to happen. When I'd"},{"startTime":439.516,"endTime":444.007,"body":"finally told somebody about what"},{"startTime":439.516,"endTime":444.007,"body":"I was doing with food, and"},{"startTime":444.083,"endTime":448.497,"body":"probably up till that point, I"},{"startTime":444.083,"endTime":448.497,"body":"was always bargaining I was"},{"startTime":448.573,"endTime":453.216,"body":"forever bargaining with God. In"},{"startTime":448.573,"endTime":453.216,"body":"my head, I was a real Wheeler"},{"startTime":453.292,"endTime":457.934,"body":"Dealer. And all I was wheeling"},{"startTime":453.292,"endTime":457.934,"body":"and dealing about was, if I do"},{"startTime":458.011,"endTime":462.881,"body":"this, will you give me that. And"},{"startTime":458.011,"endTime":462.881,"body":"it's probably the first time in"},{"startTime":462.958,"endTime":467.752,"body":"my life, that there was none of"},{"startTime":462.958,"endTime":467.752,"body":"that I just didn't know what to"},{"startTime":467.828,"endTime":472.471,"body":"do. And I wasn't scheming about"},{"startTime":467.828,"endTime":472.471,"body":"what I was gonna do next. And"},{"startTime":472.547,"endTime":477.342,"body":"that desire to eat, it was taken"},{"startTime":472.547,"endTime":477.342,"body":"away. And it's never come back"},{"startTime":477.418,"endTime":481.756,"body":"since and if I ever had doubts"},{"startTime":477.418,"endTime":481.756,"body":"about a God obout a higher"},{"startTime":481.832,"endTime":486.551,"body":"power, the fact that I could go"},{"startTime":481.832,"endTime":486.551,"body":"from years and years and years"},{"startTime":486.627,"endTime":491.498,"body":"of having that obsession to eat,"},{"startTime":486.627,"endTime":491.498,"body":"of having that reservation that"},{"startTime":491.574,"endTime":496.065,"body":"in my case was different that I"},{"startTime":491.574,"endTime":496.065,"body":"could do for a want, when I"},{"startTime":496.141,"endTime":500.935,"body":"wanted to that sort of thinking"},{"startTime":496.141,"endTime":500.935,"body":"just being taken away, if I had"},{"startTime":501.012,"endTime":505.502,"body":"any doubts about whether there"},{"startTime":501.012,"endTime":505.502,"body":"was a higher power, the fact"},{"startTime":505.578,"endTime":509.84,"body":"that I could go from one"},{"startTime":505.578,"endTime":509.84,"body":"attitude to the other one, more"},{"startTime":509.916,"endTime":513.874,"body":"or less, probably in a split"},{"startTime":509.916,"endTime":513.874,"body":"second, I was gonna say"},{"startTime":513.95,"endTime":517.755,"body":"overnight but it just"},{"startTime":513.95,"endTime":517.755,"body":"disappeared. And that was an"},{"startTime":517.831,"endTime":522.17,"body":"absolute miracle to me, and"},{"startTime":517.831,"endTime":522.17,"body":"that, that continues to be an"},{"startTime":522.246,"endTime":527.041,"body":"absolute miracle to me. And so"},{"startTime":522.246,"endTime":527.041,"body":"many of my attitudes have had to"},{"startTime":527.117,"endTime":531.759,"body":"change. There was a lot wrong"},{"startTime":527.117,"endTime":531.759,"body":"with me more than the food. And"},{"startTime":531.835,"endTime":536.173,"body":"I always knew there was a lot"},{"startTime":531.835,"endTime":536.173,"body":"wrong with me more than the"},{"startTime":536.25,"endTime":540.74,"body":"food. I didn't know that there"},{"startTime":536.25,"endTime":540.74,"body":"was a connection between the"},{"startTime":540.816,"endTime":545.306,"body":"food and everything else that"},{"startTime":540.816,"endTime":545.306,"body":"was wrong with me. But I knew"},{"startTime":545.383,"endTime":550.101,"body":"that there was something very"},{"startTime":545.383,"endTime":550.101,"body":"wrong with me. And all the stuff"},{"startTime":550.177,"endTime":554.363,"body":"that was wrong with me has,"},{"startTime":550.177,"endTime":554.363,"body":"since I think it's all been"},{"startTime":554.439,"endTime":559.082,"body":"fixed, it hasn't all been fixed."},{"startTime":554.439,"endTime":559.082,"body":"All the stuff that was wrong"},{"startTime":559.158,"endTime":563.801,"body":"with me that miserable person"},{"startTime":559.158,"endTime":563.801,"body":"that I was who was just full of"},{"startTime":563.877,"endTime":568.215,"body":"resentment and jealousy,"},{"startTime":563.877,"endTime":568.215,"body":"occasionally shame and guilt but"},{"startTime":568.291,"endTime":572.325,"body":"more blame blame for other"},{"startTime":568.291,"endTime":572.325,"body":"people. All those all that"},{"startTime":572.401,"endTime":577.12,"body":"negative way that I lived has"},{"startTime":572.401,"endTime":577.12,"body":"changed. And I was just thinking"},{"startTime":577.196,"endTime":581.306,"body":"about how it says in the"},{"startTime":577.196,"endTime":581.306,"body":"promises, we will intuitively"},{"startTime":581.382,"endTime":585.796,"body":"know how to handle situations"},{"startTime":581.382,"endTime":585.796,"body":"that used to baffle us. That"},{"startTime":585.872,"endTime":590.439,"body":"wasn't the one I was thinking"},{"startTime":585.872,"endTime":590.439,"body":"of, that was one of the others"},{"startTime":590.515,"endTime":593.94,"body":"but we will intuitively know"},{"startTime":590.515,"endTime":593.94,"body":"yeah, yeah, that"},{"startTime":593.0,"endTime":600.65,"body":"and other ones are the promises"},{"startTime":593.0,"endTime":600.65,"body":"too. They just happen with time."},{"startTime":600.74,"endTime":604.37,"body":"When I first came into the"},{"startTime":600.74,"endTime":604.37,"body":"program, I remember I used to"},{"startTime":604.37,"endTime":608.48,"body":"think about how I'm going to"},{"startTime":604.37,"endTime":608.48,"body":"work on a particular defect"},{"startTime":608.48,"endTime":612.5,"body":"today. And I can remember older"},{"startTime":608.48,"endTime":612.5,"body":"members laughing and saying,"},{"startTime":612.5,"endTime":615.44,"body":"well go for it, but you'll"},{"startTime":612.5,"endTime":615.44,"body":"probably find that God's got his"},{"startTime":615.44,"endTime":620.21,"body":"own ideas on that score. And it"},{"startTime":615.44,"endTime":620.21,"body":"was very much how it was, I"},{"startTime":620.21,"endTime":624.5,"body":"discovered that I, I was so"},{"startTime":620.21,"endTime":624.5,"body":"earnest, I don't think there was"},{"startTime":624.5,"endTime":629.42,"body":"anything wrong with that sort of"},{"startTime":624.5,"endTime":629.42,"body":"earnestness in deciding what I"},{"startTime":629.42,"endTime":632.9,"body":"was going to do today to work on"},{"startTime":629.42,"endTime":632.9,"body":"the defects. There's nothing"},{"startTime":632.9,"endTime":636.2,"body":"wrong with it, I think the"},{"startTime":632.9,"endTime":636.2,"body":"attitudes were fine. But it's"},{"startTime":636.2,"endTime":641.78,"body":"not how my life turned out. I"},{"startTime":636.2,"endTime":641.78,"body":"sort of found that with time, I"},{"startTime":641.78,"endTime":645.41,"body":"have discovered what lots of"},{"startTime":641.78,"endTime":645.41,"body":"people have been saying to me"},{"startTime":645.41,"endTime":649.4,"body":"for years that all I actually"},{"startTime":645.41,"endTime":649.4,"body":"have to do is do the next thing"},{"startTime":649.4,"endTime":654.38,"body":"in front of me today. And"},{"startTime":649.4,"endTime":654.38,"body":"however, it works out is God's"},{"startTime":654.38,"endTime":659.9,"body":"will. And that was too easy for"},{"startTime":654.38,"endTime":659.9,"body":"me for a long time, I think I've"},{"startTime":659.9,"endTime":664.67,"body":"just... I probably wanted to"},{"startTime":659.9,"endTime":664.67,"body":"suffer, I wanted to show how"},{"startTime":664.73,"endTime":669.77,"body":"earnestly I was working. And"},{"startTime":664.73,"endTime":669.77,"body":"those sorts of things have just"},{"startTime":669.77,"endTime":675.05,"body":"become so much more relaxed,"},{"startTime":669.77,"endTime":675.05,"body":"everything about life has become"},{"startTime":675.05,"endTime":679.43,"body":"so much more relaxed. I love"},{"startTime":675.05,"endTime":679.43,"body":"just getting up in the morning."},{"startTime":680.12,"endTime":684.68,"body":"And getting on with it, whatever"},{"startTime":680.12,"endTime":684.68,"body":"the day has, you know, my life"},{"startTime":684.68,"endTime":688.82,"body":"is full of all sorts of"},{"startTime":684.68,"endTime":688.82,"body":"activities, some of them useful"},{"startTime":688.82,"endTime":694.49,"body":"for others. Some of them just"},{"startTime":688.82,"endTime":694.49,"body":"routine activities, but I'm not"},{"startTime":694.55,"endTime":698.3,"body":"the big book says we've ceased"},{"startTime":694.55,"endTime":698.3,"body":"fighting anyone or anything. And"},{"startTime":698.3,"endTime":701.48,"body":"I was always fighting"},{"startTime":698.3,"endTime":701.48,"body":"everything. Right from when I"},{"startTime":701.48,"endTime":704.66,"body":"was a little kid, I was fighting"},{"startTime":701.48,"endTime":704.66,"body":"the food, I was fighting the"},{"startTime":704.66,"endTime":708.8,"body":"family I was fighting the kids"},{"startTime":704.66,"endTime":708.8,"body":"at the school. And when I came"},{"startTime":708.8,"endTime":713.39,"body":"in here, I think I was still"},{"startTime":708.8,"endTime":713.39,"body":"sort of gripped by that need to"},{"startTime":713.39,"endTime":718.19,"body":"fight everything. And just"},{"startTime":713.39,"endTime":718.19,"body":"gradually with time so many of"},{"startTime":718.19,"endTime":723.38,"body":"my well, all my attitudes have"},{"startTime":718.19,"endTime":723.38,"body":"changed. All my attitudes have"},{"startTime":723.38,"endTime":726.53,"body":"changed just through being here"},{"startTime":723.38,"endTime":726.53,"body":"through trying to work this"},{"startTime":726.53,"endTime":732.29,"body":"program. Through listening to"},{"startTime":726.53,"endTime":732.29,"body":"you people, every meeting, I"},{"startTime":732.29,"endTime":739.22,"body":"come to something I know seeps"},{"startTime":732.29,"endTime":739.22,"body":"into my head. And that will come"},{"startTime":739.22,"endTime":742.97,"body":"up later, you know, we often"},{"startTime":739.22,"endTime":742.97,"body":"share about the thing of taking"},{"startTime":742.97,"endTime":746.75,"body":"the trolley back to the"},{"startTime":742.97,"endTime":746.75,"body":"supermarket or just saying hello"},{"startTime":746.75,"endTime":751.46,"body":"to somebody the simple the"},{"startTime":746.75,"endTime":751.46,"body":"simple courtesies of life of"},{"startTime":751.73,"endTime":757.64,"body":"just getting on with the other"},{"startTime":751.73,"endTime":757.64,"body":"people. And I had no idea how to"},{"startTime":757.64,"endTime":763.13,"body":"do that. And I've learned so"},{"startTime":757.64,"endTime":763.13,"body":"much just through sitting in"},{"startTime":763.13,"endTime":768.89,"body":"meetings, and hearing other"},{"startTime":763.13,"endTime":768.89,"body":"people share on a daily basis,"},{"startTime":769.37,"endTime":773.93,"body":"how their lives have changed how"},{"startTime":769.37,"endTime":773.93,"body":"they live their lives today. I"},{"startTime":773.93,"endTime":778.55,"body":"thought life was about deep"},{"startTime":773.93,"endTime":778.55,"body":"philosophical questions. It's"},{"startTime":778.55,"endTime":783.08,"body":"about just being a decent human"},{"startTime":778.55,"endTime":783.08,"body":"being on a day to day basis. And"},{"startTime":783.5,"endTime":787.46,"body":"I love being able to do that"},{"startTime":783.5,"endTime":787.46,"body":"most of the time. Occasionally I"},{"startTime":788.24,"endTime":792.11,"body":"have a blip. But no, it's just"},{"startTime":788.24,"endTime":792.11,"body":"being an ordinary human being. I"},{"startTime":792.14,"endTime":795.35,"body":"always used to feel as though I"},{"startTime":792.14,"endTime":795.35,"body":"stuck out, I always felt"},{"startTime":795.35,"endTime":800.51,"body":"different. I always felt as"},{"startTime":795.35,"endTime":800.51,"body":"though I didn't belong. And I"},{"startTime":800.51,"endTime":803.96,"body":"don't know if I particularly"},{"startTime":800.51,"endTime":803.96,"body":"feel as though I belong anywhere"},{"startTime":804.77,"endTime":807.59,"body":"terribly much now. But I"},{"startTime":804.77,"endTime":807.59,"body":"certainly don't feel this I"},{"startTime":807.62,"endTime":812.39,"body":"don't belong. I don't feel as"},{"startTime":807.62,"endTime":812.39,"body":"though I'm not part of. And none"},{"startTime":812.39,"endTime":815.87,"body":"of these things are what I came"},{"startTime":812.39,"endTime":815.87,"body":"here for, you know, I came here"},{"startTime":816.02,"endTime":819.95,"body":"initially because I wanted to be"},{"startTime":816.02,"endTime":819.95,"body":"thin. And I came here later on"},{"startTime":819.98,"endTime":826.37,"body":"because I couldn't stand the"},{"startTime":819.98,"endTime":826.37,"body":"obsession. And I had no idea of"},{"startTime":826.91,"endTime":830.33,"body":"the peace of mind that was"},{"startTime":826.91,"endTime":830.33,"body":"available in life, I'd never had"},{"startTime":830.33,"endTime":833.81,"body":"peace of mind. And I remember"},{"startTime":830.33,"endTime":833.81,"body":"the first meeting, I came to"},{"startTime":833.81,"endTime":836.57,"body":"this group. And the biggest"},{"startTime":833.81,"endTime":836.57,"body":"thing I remember from that"},{"startTime":836.57,"endTime":841.58,"body":"meeting was how people seemed"},{"startTime":836.57,"endTime":841.58,"body":"peaceful, they just seemed calm,"},{"startTime":841.61,"endTime":846.62,"body":"and I was just this agitated"},{"startTime":841.61,"endTime":846.62,"body":"mess the whole time. And so my"},{"startTime":846.62,"endTime":850.34,"body":"life has changed in many, many"},{"startTime":846.62,"endTime":850.34,"body":"ways. I learned that it's got"},{"startTime":850.34,"endTime":856.1,"body":"very little to do with the food"},{"startTime":850.34,"endTime":856.1,"body":"and a lot to do with just"},{"startTime":856.1,"endTime":858.86,"body":"learning to be a decent human"},{"startTime":856.1,"endTime":858.86,"body":"being through trying to work"},{"startTime":858.86,"endTime":863.0,"body":"these steps and through God"},{"startTime":858.86,"endTime":863.0,"body":"doing for me what I could not do"},{"startTime":863.0,"endTime":868.07,"body":"for myself, so I'm very - it's"},{"startTime":863.0,"endTime":868.07,"body":"about time I think! - so I'm"},{"startTime":868.07,"endTime":871.73,"body":"really, really grateful to be"},{"startTime":868.07,"endTime":871.73,"body":"here and to be part of this"},{"startTime":871.73,"endTime":875.06,"body":"fellowship and to have the"},{"startTime":871.73,"endTime":875.06,"body":"opportunity to listen to"},{"startTime":875.06,"endTime":876.41,"body":"everyone else's wisdom."}]}