{"version":"1.0.0","segments":[{"startTime":3.12,"endTime":6.6,"body":"Hello, this speaker has been"},{"startTime":3.12,"endTime":6.6,"body":"recorded at a meeting of"},{"startTime":6.6,"endTime":10.98,"body":"Addictive Eaters Anonymous. For"},{"startTime":6.6,"endTime":10.98,"body":"more information, visit our"},{"startTime":10.98,"endTime":15.63,"body":"website www.aeainfo.org."},{"startTime":19.68,"endTime":24.78,"body":"My name is Cara, I'm an"},{"startTime":19.68,"endTime":24.78,"body":"addictive eater. And as the"},{"startTime":24.78,"endTime":28.92,"body":"preamble was happening, I could"},{"startTime":24.78,"endTime":28.92,"body":"just feel tightness in my"},{"startTime":28.92,"endTime":35.7,"body":"throat, and the heat rise to my"},{"startTime":28.92,"endTime":35.7,"body":"face. And all it is, is just"},{"startTime":35.73,"endTime":42.51,"body":"fear, just fear. But, you know,"},{"startTime":35.73,"endTime":42.51,"body":"there's, there's nothing to be"},{"startTime":42.51,"endTime":46.65,"body":"fearful of, really, cuz all I"},{"startTime":42.51,"endTime":46.65,"body":"need to do is share my"},{"startTime":46.65,"endTime":54.0,"body":"experience. And, you know, with,"},{"startTime":46.65,"endTime":54.0,"body":"I‘m with people who understand."},{"startTime":56.1,"endTime":61.98,"body":"And it's okay to feel fear. I"},{"startTime":56.1,"endTime":61.98,"body":"don't need to, I don't need to"},{"startTime":61.98,"endTime":71.85,"body":"lie about how I am today. And,"},{"startTime":61.98,"endTime":71.85,"body":"yeah, what was it like? What was"},{"startTime":71.85,"endTime":76.32,"body":"life like, for me, in the"},{"startTime":71.85,"endTime":76.32,"body":"eating? I loved food so much"},{"startTime":76.77,"endTime":80.07,"body":"when I was a kid, as a teenager."},{"startTime":81.57,"endTime":88.14,"body":"And yeah, I was talking to a"},{"startTime":81.57,"endTime":88.14,"body":"member a couple of weeks ago"},{"startTime":88.14,"endTime":94.56,"body":"about just how much like pride I"},{"startTime":88.14,"endTime":94.56,"body":"had around my cooking. So I was"},{"startTime":94.56,"endTime":96.48,"body":"a good cook. And"},{"startTime":96.0,"endTime":100.17,"body":"and we were just saying, about"},{"startTime":96.0,"endTime":100.17,"body":"people with food, you know, just"},{"startTime":100.236,"endTime":104.076,"body":"have people around, and it was"},{"startTime":100.236,"endTime":104.076,"body":"all life was just all about"},{"startTime":104.142,"endTime":108.446,"body":"food, it was all about food. And"},{"startTime":104.142,"endTime":108.446,"body":"I had no idea. Really, that that"},{"startTime":108.512,"endTime":112.616,"body":"wasn't normal, ‘cos, you know,"},{"startTime":108.512,"endTime":112.616,"body":"my whole, like, family, we're a"},{"startTime":112.682,"endTime":116.456,"body":"foodie family. And just for"},{"startTime":112.682,"endTime":116.456,"body":"years, that was that was just"},{"startTime":116.522,"endTime":120.627,"body":"normal. The eating for me kind"},{"startTime":116.522,"endTime":120.627,"body":"of changed forms. And it wasn't"},{"startTime":120.693,"endTime":124.731,"body":"until I started realizing that"},{"startTime":120.693,"endTime":124.731,"body":"alcohol and other recreational"},{"startTime":124.798,"endTime":128.703,"body":"drugs, were really giving me a"},{"startTime":124.798,"endTime":128.703,"body":"problem that I stopped doing"},{"startTime":128.77,"endTime":132.676,"body":"those and stopped using those"},{"startTime":128.77,"endTime":132.676,"body":"that I was just left with the"},{"startTime":132.742,"endTime":136.979,"body":"food. And, you know, that's when"},{"startTime":132.742,"endTime":136.979,"body":"eating became something, it was"},{"startTime":137.045,"endTime":140.686,"body":"more obvious, you know, it was"},{"startTime":137.045,"endTime":140.686,"body":"more obvious that it was"},{"startTime":140.752,"endTime":144.658,"body":"something that was becoming a"},{"startTime":140.752,"endTime":144.658,"body":"problem, because, you know, I"},{"startTime":144.724,"endTime":148.895,"body":"always had a way of always had a"},{"startTime":144.724,"endTime":148.895,"body":"way of not gaining weight. And"},{"startTime":148.961,"endTime":153.132,"body":"then I couldn't do that anyone."},{"startTime":148.961,"endTime":153.132,"body":"And I remember, laterally in my"},{"startTime":153.198,"endTime":156.773,"body":"eating of just being in the"},{"startTime":153.198,"endTime":156.773,"body":"supermarket, and wandering"},{"startTime":156.839,"endTime":160.878,"body":"around, and like, it could take"},{"startTime":156.839,"endTime":160.878,"body":"me so long to wander around a"},{"startTime":160.944,"endTime":164.982,"body":"supermarket because I wouldn't"},{"startTime":160.944,"endTime":164.982,"body":"know what to eat, I would just"},{"startTime":165.049,"endTime":168.756,"body":"end up, I remember buying"},{"startTime":165.049,"endTime":168.756,"body":"biscuits as well, it was jaffa"},{"startTime":168.822,"endTime":172.927,"body":"cakes, I don't even really like"},{"startTime":168.822,"endTime":172.927,"body":"Jaffa Cake. But in the end, it"},{"startTime":172.993,"endTime":177.097,"body":"was just like, I‘ll have those,"},{"startTime":172.993,"endTime":177.097,"body":"I'll just have those. And just"},{"startTime":177.164,"endTime":181.334,"body":"knowing I knew in the end of my"},{"startTime":177.164,"endTime":181.334,"body":"eating that I was just going to"},{"startTime":181.401,"endTime":185.439,"body":"go to the supermarket and and"},{"startTime":181.401,"endTime":185.439,"body":"ended up buying a binge, like I"},{"startTime":185.505,"endTime":189.345,"body":"had kind of accepted that."},{"startTime":185.505,"endTime":189.345,"body":"Because nothing I was doing was"},{"startTime":189.411,"endTime":193.648,"body":"working anymore. I couldn't turn"},{"startTime":189.411,"endTime":193.648,"body":"up for work. I couldn't turn up"},{"startTime":193.714,"endTime":197.686,"body":"to social occasions with my"},{"startTime":193.714,"endTime":197.686,"body":"friends. My life was just me, in"},{"startTime":197.753,"endTime":201.857,"body":"my friends old house with the"},{"startTime":197.753,"endTime":201.857,"body":"curtains closed, eating chippies"},{"startTime":201.923,"endTime":206.16,"body":"and going to the supermarket to"},{"startTime":201.923,"endTime":206.16,"body":"pick up food. Even though I said"},{"startTime":206.226,"endTime":210.199,"body":"to myself, often in the morning"},{"startTime":206.226,"endTime":210.199,"body":"that you know, I wouldn't do"},{"startTime":210.265,"endTime":214.171,"body":"that. Life just got so lonely,"},{"startTime":210.265,"endTime":214.171,"body":"so lonely. And I just had no"},{"startTime":214.237,"endTime":217.746,"body":"idea that that like those"},{"startTime":214.237,"endTime":217.746,"body":"feelings on the inside were"},{"startTime":217.812,"endTime":221.652,"body":"linked at all to what was"},{"startTime":217.812,"endTime":221.652,"body":"happening with food, or what was"},{"startTime":221.718,"endTime":225.69,"body":"happening in my relationships"},{"startTime":221.718,"endTime":225.69,"body":"with people. Just no idea. I'm"},{"startTime":225.756,"endTime":229.132,"body":"just so grateful that it got"},{"startTime":225.756,"endTime":229.132,"body":"that bad. Yeah, really"},{"startTime":229.199,"endTime":233.303,"body":"gratefully it got that bad. And"},{"startTime":229.199,"endTime":233.303,"body":"because of that weight started"},{"startTime":233.369,"endTime":237.408,"body":"to go on, it was no longer a"},{"startTime":233.369,"endTime":237.408,"body":"secret. That's the big thing for"},{"startTime":237.474,"endTime":241.578,"body":"me. And because I was just in"},{"startTime":237.474,"endTime":241.578,"body":"denial about it, and when it was"},{"startTime":241.645,"endTime":245.749,"body":"no longer secret, it was like"},{"startTime":241.645,"endTime":245.749,"body":"the cat was out of the bag. And,"},{"startTime":245.815,"endTime":249.92,"body":"you know, I remember my family"},{"startTime":245.815,"endTime":249.92,"body":"saying to me, I should get more"},{"startTime":249.986,"endTime":253.694,"body":"help. And I was getting, I"},{"startTime":249.986,"endTime":253.694,"body":"remember I had a therapist to"},{"startTime":253.76,"endTime":257.997,"body":"who I said in my head that like"},{"startTime":253.76,"endTime":257.997,"body":"I would tell her about the food."},{"startTime":258.063,"endTime":262.101,"body":"That was the reason for getting"},{"startTime":258.063,"endTime":262.101,"body":"her and that she was going to"},{"startTime":262.167,"endTime":266.471,"body":"help me. I remember we must have"},{"startTime":262.167,"endTime":266.471,"body":"been doing therapy for like five"},{"startTime":266.537,"endTime":270.509,"body":"or six months together and no"},{"startTime":266.537,"endTime":270.509,"body":"mention of the food. You know,"},{"startTime":270.575,"endTime":274.018,"body":"I'll talk to you about"},{"startTime":270.575,"endTime":274.018,"body":"everything else. I'll talk to"},{"startTime":274.084,"endTime":277.857,"body":"you about my relationship with"},{"startTime":274.084,"endTime":277.857,"body":"my mom and how she used to"},{"startTime":277.924,"endTime":282.161,"body":"blame, and my relationship with"},{"startTime":277.924,"endTime":282.161,"body":"my sister and how awful it is to"},{"startTime":282.227,"endTime":286.199,"body":"live at home with them. But"},{"startTime":282.227,"endTime":286.199,"body":"nothing, nothing about the food."},{"startTime":286.265,"endTime":290.105,"body":"Yeah, that was just a secret."},{"startTime":286.265,"endTime":290.105,"body":"And yeh just yeah, it got to"},{"startTime":290.171,"endTime":294.011,"body":"that breaking point. And I came"},{"startTime":290.171,"endTime":294.011,"body":"across AEA, and I remember"},{"startTime":294.077,"endTime":298.049,"body":"reading for the first time, you"},{"startTime":294.077,"endTime":298.049,"body":"know, sobriety and Addictive"},{"startTime":298.115,"endTime":301.889,"body":"Eaters Anonymous is from all"},{"startTime":298.115,"endTime":301.889,"body":"mind altering substances and"},{"startTime":301.955,"endTime":305.795,"body":"food and all mind altering"},{"startTime":301.955,"endTime":305.795,"body":"substances and I thought, okay,"},{"startTime":305.861,"endTime":309.833,"body":"and read a little bit more and"},{"startTime":305.861,"endTime":309.833,"body":"y‘know reading that addiction"},{"startTime":309.899,"endTime":313.54,"body":"can swap from one thing to"},{"startTime":309.899,"endTime":313.54,"body":"another. I thought you know,"},{"startTime":313.607,"endTime":317.513,"body":"that's that's me I could just"},{"startTime":313.607,"endTime":317.513,"body":"see. And well see it clearly,"},{"startTime":317.579,"endTime":321.551,"body":"the first glimpse of being able"},{"startTime":317.579,"endTime":321.551,"body":"to see that I just went from"},{"startTime":321.617,"endTime":325.854,"body":"using one thing to another, just"},{"startTime":321.617,"endTime":325.854,"body":"to just to feel okay, or not to"},{"startTime":325.92,"endTime":329.892,"body":"feel anything, just to not feel"},{"startTime":325.92,"endTime":329.892,"body":"anything, because I couldn't"},{"startTime":329.959,"endTime":333.732,"body":"live with myself. If it wasn't"},{"startTime":329.959,"endTime":333.732,"body":"the food, it would just be"},{"startTime":333.798,"endTime":337.837,"body":"anything to knock myself out"},{"startTime":333.798,"endTime":337.837,"body":"before going to bed at night. So"},{"startTime":337.903,"endTime":341.941,"body":"I could pass out before going to"},{"startTime":337.903,"endTime":341.941,"body":"sleep. I didn't know that my"},{"startTime":342.007,"endTime":346.112,"body":"thinking was the problem. And"},{"startTime":342.007,"endTime":346.112,"body":"just coming here, just learnt so"},{"startTime":346.178,"endTime":350.217,"body":"much continue to learn so much."},{"startTime":346.178,"endTime":350.217,"body":"I'm just, I'm just an addict."},{"startTime":350.283,"endTime":354.122,"body":"That's all I am. It's really"},{"startTime":350.283,"endTime":354.122,"body":"simple. And I got to have the"},{"startTime":354.189,"endTime":358.359,"body":"opportunity this week to speak"},{"startTime":354.189,"endTime":358.359,"body":"to speak to someone on the phone"},{"startTime":358.426,"endTime":362.265,"body":"about the fellowship, and they"},{"startTime":358.426,"endTime":362.265,"body":"asked me, like, how did you"},{"startTime":362.332,"endTime":366.039,"body":"accept that you were an"},{"startTime":362.332,"endTime":366.039,"body":"addictive eater? And I was like,"},{"startTime":366.105,"endTime":369.945,"body":"how did I accept?... I just kept"},{"startTime":366.105,"endTime":369.945,"body":"eating, you know, came to"},{"startTime":370.011,"endTime":374.182,"body":"meetings here. And I heard that"},{"startTime":370.011,"endTime":374.182,"body":"other people had done what I've"},{"startTime":374.248,"endTime":378.154,"body":"done with food and they weren't"},{"startTime":374.248,"endTime":378.154,"body":"doing it anymore. But I was"},{"startTime":378.22,"endTime":382.258,"body":"still eating. And even when I"},{"startTime":378.22,"endTime":382.258,"body":"knew that what the problem was,"},{"startTime":382.325,"endTime":386.164,"body":"I couldn't, I couldn't stop it."},{"startTime":382.325,"endTime":386.164,"body":"And just more eating, just"},{"startTime":386.231,"endTime":389.806,"body":"caused me more pain. And that"},{"startTime":386.231,"endTime":389.806,"body":"was enough to start that"},{"startTime":389.872,"endTime":394.043,"body":"acceptance kind of process, just"},{"startTime":389.872,"endTime":394.043,"body":"more pain and more eating. And"},{"startTime":394.109,"endTime":398.213,"body":"then coming here and just doing"},{"startTime":394.109,"endTime":398.213,"body":"what was suggested. And things"},{"startTime":398.279,"endTime":402.384,"body":"slowly started to change. And"},{"startTime":398.279,"endTime":402.384,"body":"then y‘know suggested to come to"},{"startTime":402.45,"endTime":406.158,"body":"meetings, start phoning long"},{"startTime":402.45,"endTime":406.158,"body":"term sober members and some"},{"startTime":406.224,"endTime":409.931,"body":"prayers, meditation, reading of"},{"startTime":406.224,"endTime":409.931,"body":"the books, and getting a"},{"startTime":409.997,"endTime":414.234,"body":"sponsor. And I just didn't know"},{"startTime":409.997,"endTime":414.234,"body":"what any of that actually meant,"},{"startTime":414.3,"endTime":418.339,"body":"really. But I was just so full"},{"startTime":414.3,"endTime":418.339,"body":"of fear, to continue the way I"},{"startTime":418.405,"endTime":422.377,"body":"was living in life. Because I"},{"startTime":418.405,"endTime":422.377,"body":"was just petrified I was going"},{"startTime":422.443,"endTime":426.283,"body":"to lose, petrified I was going"},{"startTime":422.443,"endTime":426.283,"body":"to lose my boyfriend at the"},{"startTime":426.349,"endTime":430.454,"body":"time. I thought he was the, the"},{"startTime":426.349,"endTime":430.454,"body":"only really good thing left in"},{"startTime":430.52,"endTime":434.823,"body":"my life because he wouldn't love"},{"startTime":430.52,"endTime":434.823,"body":"me anymore, because I would just"},{"startTime":434.889,"endTime":438.597,"body":"get too fat. So I'm just..."},{"startTime":434.889,"endTime":438.597,"body":"Yeah, yeah, fear, more fear."},{"startTime":438.663,"endTime":442.767,"body":"Yeah, but I learn here to take"},{"startTime":438.663,"endTime":442.767,"body":"the action. And that was all it"},{"startTime":442.834,"endTime":446.673,"body":"was in the beginning was just"},{"startTime":442.834,"endTime":446.673,"body":"those still is just take the"},{"startTime":446.74,"endTime":450.579,"body":"action of picking up the phone"},{"startTime":446.74,"endTime":450.579,"body":"and doing the next thing, I"},{"startTime":450.646,"endTime":454.949,"body":"don't need to understand it all."},{"startTime":450.646,"endTime":454.949,"body":"I don't need to work it all out,"},{"startTime":455.015,"endTime":458.788,"body":"I just need to do the next"},{"startTime":455.015,"endTime":458.788,"body":"thing. And through doing that,"},{"startTime":458.855,"endTime":462.761,"body":"you know, today, yeah today is"},{"startTime":458.855,"endTime":462.761,"body":"really different. I was just"},{"startTime":462.827,"endTime":466.733,"body":"driving to work this morning."},{"startTime":462.827,"endTime":466.733,"body":"And every person I drove past"},{"startTime":466.799,"endTime":470.44,"body":"seemed to be smoking a"},{"startTime":466.799,"endTime":470.44,"body":"cigarette. I just smile thinking"},{"startTime":470.506,"endTime":474.478,"body":"I'm driving to work and not"},{"startTime":470.506,"endTime":474.478,"body":"smoking a cigarette. And food is"},{"startTime":474.545,"endTime":478.583,"body":"not a problem for me. And no"},{"startTime":474.545,"endTime":478.583,"body":"other substance is a problem for"},{"startTime":478.649,"endTime":482.687,"body":"me today because of being here,"},{"startTime":478.649,"endTime":482.687,"body":"which in itself is a complete"},{"startTime":482.754,"endTime":486.924,"body":"miracle. I didn't think that was"},{"startTime":482.754,"endTime":486.924,"body":"possible. And I remember after"},{"startTime":486.991,"endTime":491.029,"body":"having a sponsor for some time"},{"startTime":486.991,"endTime":491.029,"body":"and following the suggestions,"},{"startTime":491.095,"endTime":494.935,"body":"and I just started on a food"},{"startTime":491.095,"endTime":494.935,"body":"plan. And a colleague we were"},{"startTime":495.001,"endTime":499.106,"body":"going for a walk and a colleague"},{"startTime":495.001,"endTime":499.106,"body":"said to me, can I kind of put"},{"startTime":499.172,"endTime":502.813,"body":"your biscuits in my in your"},{"startTime":499.172,"endTime":502.813,"body":"rucksack? And I said, Yeah,"},{"startTime":502.879,"endTime":506.918,"body":"sure. And I completely forgot"},{"startTime":502.879,"endTime":506.918,"body":"about them. And like I had food"},{"startTime":506.984,"endTime":510.823,"body":"on me that I'd completely"},{"startTime":506.984,"endTime":510.823,"body":"forgotten about. And I was like,"},{"startTime":510.89,"endTime":515.06,"body":"WOW! This is what it means not"},{"startTime":510.89,"endTime":515.06,"body":"to be obsessed about food. And I"},{"startTime":515.127,"endTime":518.834,"body":"just had no idea that was"},{"startTime":515.127,"endTime":518.834,"body":"possible. But I find that it's"},{"startTime":518.9,"endTime":522.409,"body":"possible here. And for me"},{"startTime":518.9,"endTime":522.409,"body":"anyway. And yeah, just just"},{"startTime":522.475,"endTime":526.249,"body":"being able to have have a"},{"startTime":522.475,"endTime":526.249,"body":"relationship with my mom and my"},{"startTime":526.315,"endTime":530.353,"body":"dad today. And my sister and"},{"startTime":526.315,"endTime":530.353,"body":"someone said last week, like the"},{"startTime":530.419,"endTime":534.127,"body":"healing of relationships, and"},{"startTime":530.419,"endTime":534.127,"body":"that's what I'm getting to"},{"startTime":534.193,"endTime":538.364,"body":"getting to experience from being"},{"startTime":534.193,"endTime":538.364,"body":"here. You know, I'm sitting in"},{"startTime":538.43,"endTime":542.27,"body":"my flat this evening, and I"},{"startTime":538.43,"endTime":542.27,"body":"never thought it'd be possible"},{"startTime":542.336,"endTime":546.374,"body":"to live alone and not pick up"},{"startTime":542.336,"endTime":546.374,"body":"the food and not be in the food"},{"startTime":546.44,"endTime":550.28,"body":"all the time. And it is I just"},{"startTime":546.44,"endTime":550.28,"body":"get help with life here now"},{"startTime":550.346,"endTime":554.385,"body":"because I have come to learn"},{"startTime":550.346,"endTime":554.385,"body":"from being here that the problem"},{"startTime":554.451,"endTime":558.224,"body":"wasn't the food, you know, it"},{"startTime":554.451,"endTime":558.224,"body":"was that that irritable and"},{"startTime":558.291,"endTime":562.594,"body":"discontent feeling inside that I"},{"startTime":558.291,"endTime":562.594,"body":"tried to solve with all of these"},{"startTime":562.66,"endTime":566.632,"body":"outside things, when actually"},{"startTime":562.66,"endTime":566.632,"body":"the answer for me is you know,"},{"startTime":566.698,"endTime":571.001,"body":"is being in this fellowship, and"},{"startTime":566.698,"endTime":571.001,"body":"everything that comes with that."},{"startTime":571.068,"endTime":575.305,"body":"And being able to have fun with"},{"startTime":571.068,"endTime":575.305,"body":"people and to laugh and learning"},{"startTime":575.371,"endTime":579.211,"body":"to laugh at myself and y‘know"},{"startTime":575.371,"endTime":579.211,"body":"just being told here as well"},{"startTime":579.277,"endTime":583.447,"body":"just to get out of self and help"},{"startTime":579.277,"endTime":583.447,"body":"somebody else. And I just love"},{"startTime":583.514,"endTime":587.353,"body":"hearing people's experiences"},{"startTime":583.514,"endTime":587.353,"body":"about what that is, you know,"},{"startTime":587.42,"endTime":591.326,"body":"and it's just just suggested"},{"startTime":587.42,"endTime":591.326,"body":"recently of, you know, if I am"},{"startTime":591.392,"endTime":595.165,"body":"attending somewhere and sitting"},{"startTime":591.392,"endTime":595.165,"body":"on a chair, like hmm just"},{"startTime":595.231,"endTime":599.005,"body":"thinking about how comfy the"},{"startTime":595.231,"endTime":599.005,"body":"chair is, hmmm I wonder what"},{"startTime":599.071,"endTime":602.845,"body":"this chair feels like and just"},{"startTime":599.071,"endTime":602.845,"body":"come before, coming on the"},{"startTime":602.911,"endTime":606.949,"body":"meeting I was like ‘oh my big"},{"startTime":602.911,"endTime":606.949,"body":"toes are rather tingly‘... just"},{"startTime":607.015,"endTime":611.252,"body":"anything for me to stop thinking"},{"startTime":607.015,"endTime":611.252,"body":"about me. I'm the problem. Like"},{"startTime":611.319,"endTime":615.556,"body":"who knew? But yeah, just full of"},{"startTime":611.319,"endTime":615.556,"body":"love to be here today and yeah,"},{"startTime":615.622,"endTime":619.528,"body":"I'll just keep doing what I'm"},{"startTime":615.622,"endTime":619.528,"body":"doing and try my best just to"},{"startTime":619.594,"endTime":624.03,"body":"keep it in the day. Yeah, thank"},{"startTime":619.594,"endTime":624.03,"body":"you Anna. I'm gonna leave it there."}]}