{"version":"1.0.0","segments":[{"startTime":0.0,"endTime":3.6,"body":"Hello, this speaker has been"},{"startTime":0.0,"endTime":3.6,"body":"recorded at a meeting of"},{"startTime":3.6,"endTime":7.95,"body":"Addictive Eaters Anonymous. For"},{"startTime":3.6,"endTime":7.95,"body":"more information, visit our"},{"startTime":7.95,"endTime":12.48,"body":"website www.aeainfo.org"},{"startTime":12.0,"endTime":16.196,"body":"I'm Joanne I'm an addictive"},{"startTime":12.0,"endTime":16.196,"body":"eater. Yes, it's been good not"},{"startTime":16.269,"endTime":20.61,"body":"having a lot of time actually"},{"startTime":16.269,"endTime":20.61,"body":"thinking about tonight or what"},{"startTime":20.683,"endTime":24.518,"body":"to talk about, because it"},{"startTime":20.683,"endTime":24.518,"body":"doesn't give me time to get"},{"startTime":24.59,"endTime":28.931,"body":"nervous or put too much thought"},{"startTime":24.59,"endTime":28.931,"body":"into it. But I did say to my"},{"startTime":29.004,"endTime":32.983,"body":"sponsor later, like this"},{"startTime":29.004,"endTime":32.983,"body":"afternoon, that I don't really"},{"startTime":33.056,"endTime":37.325,"body":"want to share tonight. And it"},{"startTime":33.056,"endTime":37.325,"body":"was really, because I thought"},{"startTime":37.397,"endTime":41.594,"body":"that I might get upset, you"},{"startTime":37.397,"endTime":41.594,"body":"know, and I might sit here and"},{"startTime":41.666,"endTime":46.225,"body":"shed any tears. And I know this"},{"startTime":41.666,"endTime":46.225,"body":"is like recorded and hopefully,"},{"startTime":46.297,"endTime":50.35,"body":"it might be decided that"},{"startTime":46.297,"endTime":50.35,"body":"actually let's scrap it because"},{"startTime":50.422,"endTime":54.98,"body":"you've got me tonight. And it's"},{"startTime":50.422,"endTime":54.98,"body":"funny, there was a conversation"},{"startTime":55.053,"endTime":59.756,"body":"about haven't got your lippie on"},{"startTime":55.053,"endTime":59.756,"body":"tonight, because driving here, I"},{"startTime":59.828,"endTime":64.315,"body":"thought, I'm not like Lynette"},{"startTime":59.828,"endTime":64.315,"body":"and you know, have the lippie on"},{"startTime":64.387,"endTime":69.018,"body":"and get all you know fancied up,"},{"startTime":64.387,"endTime":69.018,"body":"you've got the tired looking me"},{"startTime":69.09,"endTime":73.794,"body":"tonight, that it's actually just"},{"startTime":69.09,"endTime":73.794,"body":"just me, and I'm just tired. And"},{"startTime":73.866,"endTime":78.135,"body":"you all know that about my mum"},{"startTime":73.866,"endTime":78.135,"body":"with alzheimers. And this is"},{"startTime":78.208,"endTime":82.694,"body":"when I feel like I'm gonna start"},{"startTime":78.208,"endTime":82.694,"body":"getting teary. So I have been"},{"startTime":82.766,"endTime":87.18,"body":"having some problems with my"},{"startTime":82.766,"endTime":87.18,"body":"memory. And I thought, you know,"},{"startTime":87.252,"endTime":91.377,"body":"might be just a little bit"},{"startTime":87.252,"endTime":91.377,"body":"paranoid, notes history in the"},{"startTime":91.449,"endTime":95.791,"body":"family. So I went to the doctor"},{"startTime":91.449,"endTime":95.791,"body":"and I've had some tests. And"},{"startTime":95.863,"endTime":100.349,"body":"yeah my memory is not as, for my"},{"startTime":95.863,"endTime":100.349,"body":"age, I should be a bit higher"},{"startTime":100.422,"endTime":104.98,"body":"and stuff. And I'm recalled and"},{"startTime":100.422,"endTime":104.98,"body":"go back for some more tests. So"},{"startTime":105.053,"endTime":109.249,"body":"I don't know why I'm crying. I"},{"startTime":105.053,"endTime":109.249,"body":"think it's just because I'm"},{"startTime":109.322,"endTime":113.591,"body":"tired, because I'm not really,"},{"startTime":109.322,"endTime":113.591,"body":"it's there and we experience"},{"startTime":113.663,"endTime":118.005,"body":"life when we come here and are"},{"startTime":113.663,"endTime":118.005,"body":"able to get on and in our, in"},{"startTime":118.077,"endTime":121.912,"body":"our lives. And know that"},{"startTime":118.077,"endTime":121.912,"body":"whatever happens, everything"},{"startTime":121.984,"endTime":126.326,"body":"will actually be okay, learn"},{"startTime":121.984,"endTime":126.326,"body":"about living in the now and not"},{"startTime":126.398,"endTime":131.102,"body":"thinking, you know, in a month's"},{"startTime":126.398,"endTime":131.102,"body":"time or a year's time, you know,"},{"startTime":131.174,"endTime":135.66,"body":"recalled for your memory kind of"},{"startTime":131.174,"endTime":135.66,"body":"test or CT you know, actually"},{"startTime":135.733,"endTime":140.002,"body":"right now. Right at this time I"},{"startTime":135.733,"endTime":140.002,"body":"thought about Kay and other"},{"startTime":140.074,"endTime":144.416,"body":"people that have been through"},{"startTime":140.074,"endTime":144.416,"body":"things here in the fellowship."},{"startTime":144.488,"endTime":149.046,"body":"And actually, I've only got now"},{"startTime":144.488,"endTime":149.046,"body":"right at this time. It's coming"},{"startTime":149.119,"endTime":153.677,"body":"up 25 years, that I'll be sober"},{"startTime":149.119,"endTime":153.677,"body":"next week. And for me that's 20"},{"startTime":153.75,"endTime":157.512,"body":"- 25 years of not using any"},{"startTime":153.75,"endTime":157.512,"body":"drugs, alcohol or eating"},{"startTime":157.585,"endTime":162.216,"body":"addictively with food. And it's"},{"startTime":157.585,"endTime":162.216,"body":"actually 28 years that I went up"},{"startTime":162.288,"endTime":166.268,"body":"to Queen Mary as a family"},{"startTime":162.288,"endTime":166.268,"body":"member, not knowing that food"},{"startTime":166.34,"endTime":170.826,"body":"was an addiction, not knowing"},{"startTime":166.34,"endTime":170.826,"body":"that we drank normally either. I"},{"startTime":170.899,"endTime":175.53,"body":"used drugs, alcohol and food all"},{"startTime":170.899,"endTime":175.53,"body":"together. Right from my teenage"},{"startTime":175.602,"endTime":180.305,"body":"years, right through until I had"},{"startTime":175.602,"endTime":180.305,"body":"my first baby when I was 20. And"},{"startTime":180.378,"endTime":184.575,"body":"the drinking stop, the drugs"},{"startTime":180.378,"endTime":184.575,"body":"stopped and the drinking took"},{"startTime":184.647,"endTime":189.205,"body":"off. And as a result of that I"},{"startTime":184.647,"endTime":189.205,"body":"had a prem baby, which I believe"},{"startTime":189.278,"endTime":193.475,"body":"is from poor diet. From there, I"},{"startTime":189.278,"endTime":193.475,"body":"gave up coffee, I gave up"},{"startTime":193.547,"endTime":198.033,"body":"absolutely everything. But the"},{"startTime":193.547,"endTime":198.033,"body":"madness in my head and the want"},{"startTime":198.106,"endTime":202.592,"body":"to eat. I remember before I had"},{"startTime":198.106,"endTime":202.592,"body":"my oldest son, I went in for a"},{"startTime":202.664,"endTime":207.295,"body":"checkup. And you know, I put on"},{"startTime":202.664,"endTime":207.295,"body":"weight and I was getting bloated"},{"startTime":207.367,"endTime":211.637,"body":"and I had a lot of fluid and"},{"startTime":207.367,"endTime":211.637,"body":"stuff. And they told me that I"},{"startTime":211.709,"endTime":215.689,"body":"needed to be careful with my"},{"startTime":211.709,"endTime":215.689,"body":"diet and what I ate. And I"},{"startTime":215.761,"endTime":220.464,"body":"didn't, I knew that that was not"},{"startTime":215.761,"endTime":220.464,"body":"going to happen. And I left that"},{"startTime":220.537,"endTime":224.878,"body":"hospital. And I remember going"},{"startTime":220.537,"endTime":224.878,"body":"home and just having piles of"},{"startTime":224.951,"endTime":229.075,"body":"weet-bix with milk piles of"},{"startTime":224.951,"endTime":229.075,"body":"sugar on top like I just knew"},{"startTime":229.147,"endTime":233.489,"body":"that I could not watch what I"},{"startTime":229.147,"endTime":233.489,"body":"ate no matter what anyone told"},{"startTime":233.561,"endTime":237.903,"body":"me. My eating continued you"},{"startTime":233.561,"endTime":237.903,"body":"know, through just to get worse."},{"startTime":237.975,"endTime":242.244,"body":"And along with the eating the"},{"startTime":237.975,"endTime":242.244,"body":"mental side of it was really,"},{"startTime":242.317,"endTime":246.73,"body":"really hard. I've spent a lot of"},{"startTime":242.317,"endTime":246.73,"body":"time but all my life, I knew"},{"startTime":246.803,"endTime":251.217,"body":"that something was wrong with"},{"startTime":246.803,"endTime":251.217,"body":"me. I wanted to be different. I"},{"startTime":251.289,"endTime":255.92,"body":"wanted to be like my friends. I"},{"startTime":251.289,"endTime":255.92,"body":"had lots of family, good family,"},{"startTime":255.992,"endTime":260.117,"body":"and I had lots of friends. But"},{"startTime":255.992,"endTime":260.117,"body":"it couldn't take away this"},{"startTime":260.189,"endTime":264.386,"body":"amount of loneliness that I had."},{"startTime":260.189,"endTime":264.386,"body":"And I actually never that"},{"startTime":264.458,"endTime":268.872,"body":"loneliness never went until I"},{"startTime":264.458,"endTime":268.872,"body":"came in here. And I didn't know"},{"startTime":268.945,"endTime":273.214,"body":"why I had that loneliness that"},{"startTime":268.945,"endTime":273.214,"body":"it was within me. And when I"},{"startTime":273.286,"endTime":277.555,"body":"heard was actually Leonie that"},{"startTime":273.286,"endTime":277.555,"body":"shared the first time that I"},{"startTime":277.628,"endTime":281.969,"body":"think it was the first or second"},{"startTime":277.628,"endTime":281.969,"body":"time that I came about this"},{"startTime":282.041,"endTime":286.455,"body":"being a disease of loneliness. I"},{"startTime":282.041,"endTime":286.455,"body":"just was relieved and I knew"},{"startTime":286.528,"endTime":290.58,"body":"that she knew what I was"},{"startTime":286.528,"endTime":290.58,"body":"experiencing and what I've been"},{"startTime":290.652,"endTime":295.283,"body":"through because of those words."},{"startTime":290.652,"endTime":295.283,"body":"And I had always thought that my"},{"startTime":295.355,"endTime":299.842,"body":"day would be a fantastic day, if"},{"startTime":295.355,"endTime":299.842,"body":"I didn't eat much. If I could"},{"startTime":299.914,"endTime":303.749,"body":"stay on a diet, I calorie"},{"startTime":299.914,"endTime":303.749,"body":"counted I know every single"},{"startTime":303.821,"endTime":308.09,"body":"calorie, and everything I've"},{"startTime":303.821,"endTime":308.09,"body":"tried to hold off from eating,"},{"startTime":308.163,"endTime":312.649,"body":"I'd walk my kids to school, the"},{"startTime":308.163,"endTime":312.649,"body":"whole time that I'm walking my"},{"startTime":312.721,"endTime":316.991,"body":"kids to school, I'm thinking"},{"startTime":312.721,"endTime":316.991,"body":"about the calories I've burned"},{"startTime":317.063,"endTime":321.332,"body":"off, how that I haven't eated"},{"startTime":317.063,"endTime":321.332,"body":"that would be real extra good"},{"startTime":321.404,"endTime":325.963,"body":"because I would have been burned"},{"startTime":321.404,"endTime":325.963,"body":"off all of those calories, and"},{"startTime":326.035,"endTime":330.305,"body":"try and hold off. But actually,"},{"startTime":326.035,"endTime":330.305,"body":"I couldn't. And then when I"},{"startTime":330.377,"endTime":334.357,"body":"started, every time thinking I"},{"startTime":330.377,"endTime":334.357,"body":"was going to have one of"},{"startTime":334.429,"endTime":338.843,"body":"something and I might have had"},{"startTime":334.429,"endTime":338.843,"body":"one but I kept on going in and"},{"startTime":338.915,"endTime":343.546,"body":"out of cupboard and just eating"},{"startTime":338.915,"endTime":343.546,"body":"and that went on for the rest of"},{"startTime":343.618,"endTime":348.105,"body":"the day. I just didn't stop. I"},{"startTime":343.618,"endTime":348.105,"body":"just kept on eating. And I felt"},{"startTime":348.177,"endTime":352.736,"body":"sick. I ate to the point that I"},{"startTime":348.177,"endTime":352.736,"body":"felt sick, I'd give it a little"},{"startTime":352.808,"endTime":357.005,"body":"bit of a break. And then I'd go"},{"startTime":352.808,"endTime":357.005,"body":"for it again. And just the"},{"startTime":357.077,"endTime":361.274,"body":"remorse and shame around the"},{"startTime":357.077,"endTime":361.274,"body":"eating and not knowing how to"},{"startTime":361.346,"endTime":365.977,"body":"stop not wanting to be fat, but"},{"startTime":361.346,"endTime":365.977,"body":"still not not being able to stop"},{"startTime":366.05,"endTime":370.608,"body":"doing what I was doing. And then"},{"startTime":366.05,"endTime":370.608,"body":"of course, my ex husband would"},{"startTime":370.681,"endTime":375.022,"body":"come home, kids would come home"},{"startTime":370.681,"endTime":375.022,"body":"from school, I wouldn't have"},{"startTime":375.094,"endTime":379.653,"body":"been pleasant, because I'd be in"},{"startTime":375.094,"endTime":379.653,"body":"a mood. I wouldn't be pleasant"},{"startTime":379.725,"endTime":384.212,"body":"to my ex husband when he came"},{"startTime":379.725,"endTime":384.212,"body":"in. I remember the times when he"},{"startTime":384.284,"endTime":388.336,"body":"came home from work. I was"},{"startTime":384.284,"endTime":388.336,"body":"either in a very good mood or"},{"startTime":388.408,"endTime":392.605,"body":"not, in a okay mood or very"},{"startTime":388.408,"endTime":392.605,"body":"angry. Kids had to walk around"},{"startTime":392.678,"endTime":396.874,"body":"on like they were walking on"},{"startTime":392.678,"endTime":396.874,"body":"eggshells because it was just"},{"startTime":396.947,"endTime":401.505,"body":"tense. They didn't know wether"},{"startTime":396.947,"endTime":401.505,"body":"they were going to say something"},{"startTime":401.578,"endTime":405.774,"body":"or could do something that"},{"startTime":401.578,"endTime":405.774,"body":"tipped me off. And if they did,"},{"startTime":405.847,"endTime":410.478,"body":"you know I could fly into a rage"},{"startTime":405.847,"endTime":410.478,"body":"and rages looked like, you know"},{"startTime":410.55,"endTime":415.036,"body":"I have pulled curtains off the"},{"startTime":410.55,"endTime":415.036,"body":"walls. I have smashed things, I"},{"startTime":415.109,"endTime":419.667,"body":"have taken to things with a mop."},{"startTime":415.109,"endTime":419.667,"body":"Just like I had this beautiful"},{"startTime":419.74,"endTime":423.575,"body":"vase that my godmother, my"},{"startTime":419.74,"endTime":423.575,"body":"auntie gave me for my 21st"},{"startTime":423.647,"endTime":427.771,"body":"birthday, I smashed it in a"},{"startTime":423.647,"endTime":427.771,"body":"rage. You know, and she's not"},{"startTime":427.844,"endTime":432.547,"body":"with us any longer. I had things"},{"startTime":427.844,"endTime":432.547,"body":"that I really, really loved. And"},{"startTime":432.619,"endTime":436.961,"body":"I smashed them. And then and I"},{"startTime":432.619,"endTime":436.961,"body":"never wanted to be like that."},{"startTime":437.033,"endTime":441.23,"body":"But no matter how much I tried,"},{"startTime":437.033,"endTime":441.23,"body":"I went to anger management"},{"startTime":441.302,"endTime":445.789,"body":"courses, I went to self esteem"},{"startTime":441.302,"endTime":445.789,"body":"courses, I went to a hypnotist."},{"startTime":445.861,"endTime":449.913,"body":"I went to groups. I tried"},{"startTime":445.861,"endTime":449.913,"body":"affirmations. I tried lots and"},{"startTime":449.985,"endTime":454.327,"body":"lots of things, counseling, but"},{"startTime":449.985,"endTime":454.327,"body":"nothing could take away that"},{"startTime":454.399,"endTime":458.668,"body":"anger that want to eat and the"},{"startTime":454.399,"endTime":458.668,"body":"feelings of how I felt about"},{"startTime":458.741,"endTime":463.155,"body":"myself. And then, I came here"},{"startTime":458.741,"endTime":463.155,"body":"and when I was up in Queen Mary"},{"startTime":463.227,"endTime":467.424,"body":"one girl up there talked about"},{"startTime":463.227,"endTime":467.424,"body":"this fellowship said it was"},{"startTime":467.496,"endTime":471.838,"body":"people that ate the way that I"},{"startTime":467.496,"endTime":471.838,"body":"did. Actually, no, that's not"},{"startTime":471.91,"endTime":476.541,"body":"true. Because I didn't tell her"},{"startTime":471.91,"endTime":476.541,"body":"how I ate.  She I don't know she"},{"startTime":476.613,"endTime":481.172,"body":"must, she just talked about this"},{"startTime":476.613,"endTime":481.172,"body":"fellowship. And I was pregnant"},{"startTime":481.244,"endTime":485.007,"body":"up there at the time. And I"},{"startTime":481.244,"endTime":485.007,"body":"didn't think that it was"},{"startTime":485.079,"endTime":489.566,"body":"abnormal, thinking that it would"},{"startTime":485.079,"endTime":489.566,"body":"be fantastic when I go up yet"},{"startTime":489.638,"endTime":494.124,"body":"pregnant because somebody will"},{"startTime":489.638,"endTime":494.124,"body":"manage the food and I won't put"},{"startTime":494.196,"endTime":495.21,"body":"on any weight."},{"startTime":496.65,"endTime":498.39,"body":"Of course you're meant to be"},{"startTime":496.65,"endTime":498.39,"body":"putting on weight when you're"},{"startTime":498.39,"endTime":501.51,"body":"pregnant. I felt so self"},{"startTime":498.39,"endTime":501.51,"body":"conscious that people were"},{"startTime":501.51,"endTime":504.63,"body":"looking at me everywhere I"},{"startTime":501.51,"endTime":504.63,"body":"walked, I was sneaking down to"},{"startTime":504.63,"endTime":508.29,"body":"the shop and having a newspaper"},{"startTime":504.63,"endTime":508.29,"body":"in my arm and hiding things in"},{"startTime":508.29,"endTime":510.72,"body":"that newspaper to get back to"},{"startTime":508.29,"endTime":510.72,"body":"the room so that I could eat"},{"startTime":510.72,"endTime":513.51,"body":"alone. Because I thought that"},{"startTime":510.72,"endTime":513.51,"body":"everybody was looking at me and"},{"startTime":513.51,"endTime":518.28,"body":"thinking oh my god, look how fat"},{"startTime":513.51,"endTime":518.28,"body":"she is. It was just like that."},{"startTime":518.43,"endTime":521.49,"body":"And that's an example of what it"},{"startTime":518.43,"endTime":521.49,"body":"was like every single minute the"},{"startTime":521.49,"endTime":527.67,"body":"day. So there was no freedom."},{"startTime":521.49,"endTime":527.67,"body":"And it was really sad. Because I"},{"startTime":527.67,"endTime":529.98,"body":"used to go to bed at night"},{"startTime":527.67,"endTime":529.98,"body":"crying at night thinking"},{"startTime":529.98,"endTime":531.96,"body":"tomorrow's going to be different"},{"startTime":529.98,"endTime":531.96,"body":"tomorrow, I'm going to be"},{"startTime":531.99,"endTime":535.89,"body":"different to my kids, my life is"},{"startTime":531.99,"endTime":535.89,"body":"going to be different. Things"},{"startTime":535.89,"endTime":538.02,"body":"are gonna change, I'm not going"},{"startTime":535.89,"endTime":538.02,"body":"to eat that way. I'm not going"},{"startTime":538.02,"endTime":541.26,"body":"to yell at the kids, I'm not"},{"startTime":538.02,"endTime":541.26,"body":"going to do. Pretty much I"},{"startTime":541.92,"endTime":544.83,"body":"wanted to have really good self"},{"startTime":541.92,"endTime":544.83,"body":"esteem and be like a saint -"},{"startTime":545.46,"endTime":549.9,"body":"wasn't going to happen. And when"},{"startTime":545.46,"endTime":549.9,"body":"I came here and learning about"},{"startTime":549.9,"endTime":553.17,"body":"this fellowship, I was"},{"startTime":549.9,"endTime":553.17,"body":"absolutely amazed that people"},{"startTime":553.17,"endTime":557.55,"body":"were talking about what it was"},{"startTime":553.17,"endTime":557.55,"body":"like with the eating. The"},{"startTime":557.55,"endTime":560.97,"body":"thoughts that they had, the way"},{"startTime":557.55,"endTime":560.97,"body":"they felt about themselves was"},{"startTime":561.0,"endTime":564.51,"body":"on the scales and off the scales"},{"startTime":561.0,"endTime":564.51,"body":"if those scales weighed light. I"},{"startTime":564.51,"endTime":567.96,"body":"felt better. And I thought that"},{"startTime":564.51,"endTime":567.96,"body":"was the answer. And that was the"},{"startTime":568.02,"endTime":571.26,"body":"only thing that was wrong with"},{"startTime":568.02,"endTime":571.26,"body":"me. Well, it's actually not true"},{"startTime":571.26,"endTime":575.49,"body":"either. I thought I was"},{"startTime":571.26,"endTime":575.49,"body":"seriously mental or had"},{"startTime":575.49,"endTime":579.21,"body":"schizophrenia, but if I could be"},{"startTime":575.49,"endTime":579.21,"body":"thin. Those things would come"},{"startTime":579.21,"endTime":585.15,"body":"right. And I just seen that. It"},{"startTime":579.21,"endTime":585.15,"body":"worked in people here, people"},{"startTime":585.15,"endTime":589.89,"body":"were just free. You know, they"},{"startTime":585.15,"endTime":589.89,"body":"had a smile on their face. They"},{"startTime":589.89,"endTime":594.33,"body":"weren't struggling every single"},{"startTime":589.89,"endTime":594.33,"body":"day. They weren't crying and"},{"startTime":594.33,"endTime":598.32,"body":"sad, but my first few meetings I"},{"startTime":594.33,"endTime":598.32,"body":"just remember sniffling through"},{"startTime":598.32,"endTime":603.18,"body":"the whole thing. Just crying"},{"startTime":598.32,"endTime":603.18,"body":"because one with relief, but"},{"startTime":603.39,"endTime":606.9,"body":"most of the time with sadness"},{"startTime":603.39,"endTime":606.9,"body":"because I didn't know how not to"},{"startTime":606.9,"endTime":611.58,"body":"be the way that I was. And I, I"},{"startTime":606.9,"endTime":611.58,"body":"kept on eating, but I kept"},{"startTime":611.58,"endTime":615.21,"body":"coming. And I kept on eating"},{"startTime":611.58,"endTime":615.21,"body":"because I It wasn't completely"},{"startTime":615.21,"endTime":619.17,"body":"beaten. Although I thought I was"},{"startTime":615.21,"endTime":619.17,"body":"with food, I thought I was but I"},{"startTime":619.17,"endTime":622.71,"body":"still had some buts, and still"},{"startTime":619.17,"endTime":622.71,"body":"had some more attempts. But I"},{"startTime":622.71,"endTime":626.19,"body":"kept on talking to my sponsor, I"},{"startTime":622.71,"endTime":626.19,"body":"kept on coming to meetings, and"},{"startTime":626.19,"endTime":630.78,"body":"I kept on getting down on my"},{"startTime":626.19,"endTime":630.78,"body":"knees, and praying to a God that"},{"startTime":630.78,"endTime":634.77,"body":"I believed in, but lost faith in"},{"startTime":630.78,"endTime":634.77,"body":"and thought that it was not"},{"startTime":634.77,"endTime":638.79,"body":"going to work for me, because I"},{"startTime":634.77,"endTime":638.79,"body":"had no other options, I kept on,"},{"startTime":639.45,"endTime":643.29,"body":"I kept on coming and one day,"},{"startTime":639.45,"endTime":643.29,"body":"which I didn't know it was the"},{"startTime":643.29,"endTime":647.13,"body":"last day of my eating... But I"},{"startTime":643.29,"endTime":647.13,"body":"remember standing in the"},{"startTime":647.13,"endTime":650.67,"body":"kitchen, I remember my little"},{"startTime":647.13,"endTime":650.67,"body":"kids. You know, I had four kids"},{"startTime":650.73,"endTime":657.33,"body":"little kids in the background"},{"startTime":650.73,"endTime":657.33,"body":"playing around was like I was in"},{"startTime":657.36,"endTime":660.72,"body":"a tunnel, and I could hear their"},{"startTime":657.36,"endTime":660.72,"body":"voices their muffled voices in"},{"startTime":660.72,"endTime":664.35,"body":"the back. Because I was"},{"startTime":660.72,"endTime":664.35,"body":"completely focused on this food,"},{"startTime":664.65,"endTime":668.88,"body":"because in the kitchen on the"},{"startTime":664.65,"endTime":668.88,"body":"bench. And I did not want to eat"},{"startTime":669.45,"endTime":672.27,"body":"because it flashed before me"},{"startTime":669.45,"endTime":672.27,"body":"that life was not going to"},{"startTime":672.27,"endTime":675.66,"body":"change, that it was always going"},{"startTime":672.27,"endTime":675.66,"body":"to be like this nothing was"},{"startTime":675.66,"endTime":678.81,"body":"going to change for me that I"},{"startTime":675.66,"endTime":678.81,"body":"wasn't going to be able to carry"},{"startTime":678.87,"endTime":682.08,"body":"my children that I wasn't going"},{"startTime":678.87,"endTime":682.08,"body":"to be able to get through a day"},{"startTime":682.08,"endTime":685.2,"body":"without yelling, or smacking or"},{"startTime":682.08,"endTime":685.2,"body":"doing something or feeling the"},{"startTime":685.2,"endTime":690.66,"body":"way I did. And I wanted what"},{"startTime":685.2,"endTime":690.66,"body":"people have so badly. I just"},{"startTime":690.66,"endTime":696.51,"body":"wanted it so much. And I had"},{"startTime":690.66,"endTime":696.51,"body":"that obsession to eat so much"},{"startTime":696.51,"endTime":700.62,"body":"that I was crying for the fact"},{"startTime":696.51,"endTime":700.62,"body":"of wanting it, but crying for"},{"startTime":700.62,"endTime":705.36,"body":"the fact of not wanting it. So"},{"startTime":700.62,"endTime":705.36,"body":"for the first time, and the only"},{"startTime":705.36,"endTime":713.1,"body":"time I actually never ate that"},{"startTime":705.36,"endTime":713.1,"body":"food on the bench. And I rung, I"},{"startTime":713.1,"endTime":717.24,"body":"talked to my sponsor, that was"},{"startTime":713.1,"endTime":717.24,"body":"like that obsession, that"},{"startTime":717.3,"endTime":721.95,"body":"overwhelming obsession that was"},{"startTime":717.3,"endTime":721.95,"body":"with me all the time was"},{"startTime":721.95,"endTime":726.78,"body":"completely removed. Like 25"},{"startTime":721.95,"endTime":726.78,"body":"years ago, I have not had the"},{"startTime":726.78,"endTime":731.07,"body":"obsession to eat at all from"},{"startTime":726.78,"endTime":731.07,"body":"that time. I mean that that is"},{"startTime":731.58,"endTime":736.02,"body":"really amazing that I believe my"},{"startTime":731.58,"endTime":736.02,"body":"higher power has completely"},{"startTime":736.02,"endTime":741.12,"body":"removed because I could not do"},{"startTime":736.02,"endTime":741.12,"body":"it. I absolutely could not do"},{"startTime":741.12,"endTime":749.64,"body":"it. So no matter what happens,"},{"startTime":741.12,"endTime":749.64,"body":"if I forget you will! Haha!  It"},{"startTime":749.64,"endTime":755.37,"body":"will be alright, it will okay."},{"startTime":749.64,"endTime":755.37,"body":"I'm not going to worry about it."},{"startTime":756.15,"endTime":759.18,"body":"And I layed down to have an"},{"startTime":756.15,"endTime":759.18,"body":"x-ray today because of I've got"},{"startTime":759.18,"endTime":764.01,"body":"a mucked up spine, relax,"},{"startTime":759.18,"endTime":764.01,"body":"release. That's what I did. And"},{"startTime":764.04,"endTime":766.5,"body":"you know if I wake up tonight"},{"startTime":764.04,"endTime":766.5,"body":"that's exactly every night when"},{"startTime":766.53,"endTime":771.24,"body":"I wake up, I think of you and I"},{"startTime":766.53,"endTime":771.24,"body":"think of that, you know and I"},{"startTime":771.3,"endTime":774.69,"body":"know about you know meditation"},{"startTime":771.3,"endTime":774.69,"body":"stuff, but those words those"},{"startTime":774.69,"endTime":778.86,"body":"just those simple words have"},{"startTime":774.69,"endTime":778.86,"body":"stuck to me. For me. And it"},{"startTime":778.86,"endTime":784.11,"body":"means I think about you a lot."},{"startTime":778.86,"endTime":784.11,"body":"But it's helped me so much"},{"startTime":784.23,"endTime":787.65,"body":"through so many things. Thank"},{"startTime":784.23,"endTime":787.65,"body":"you."}]}