[00:00:00] This speaker has been recorded at a meeting of Addictive Eaters Anonymous. For more information, visit our website, www.aeainfo.org.

Hi, I'm Clare and I'm an Addictive Eater. I'm gonna read a paragraph from one of the stories at the back of the book called Dr. Bob's Nightmare, and Dr. Bob has had trouble getting sober. He has a few meetings or conversations with Bill W who's newly sober. And this is what Dr. Bob says about Bill W. 

“What did the man Bill W do or say that was different from what others had done or said? It must be remembered that I had read a great deal and talked to everyone who knew or thought they knew anything about the subject of alcoholism. [00:01:00] But this was a man who had experienced many years of frightful drinking, who had almost all the drunkard experiences known to man. Who had been cured by the very means I had been trying to employ, that is to say the spiritual approach. He gave me information about the subject of alcoholism, which was undoubtedly helpful. Of far more importance was the fact that he was the first living human with whom I had ever talked, who knew what he was talking about in regard to alcoholism from actual experience. In other words, he talked my language. He knew all the answers and certainly not because he had picked them up in his reading”.

 So, I'm going to try and focus my sharing on carrying the message, but I might get a little bit distracted, so hopefully not. I was [00:02:00] 29 years old when I came to my first 12 step fellowship and my life up until that point was focused on trying to control my food, manage my weight and party really hard, like that was my life. And so I came to Alcoholic Anonymous, first of all, because it was very obvious to everyone that I was completely out of control with the alcohol and the drugs. And in that fellowship I learned about the illness of alcoholism, I learned that I had a mind that always told me it was okay to drink or drug, and a body that always told me I needed it. And I learned that the solution to that was a dependence upon God and surrendering to the 12 steps as a way of life. And I tried to do that except I really struggled [00:03:00] because when I stopped drinking and taking drugs, the food was completely out of control. I desperately wanted to stop binging, and I just couldn't. I would graze all day long, and then I would binge every single night, and I would sit on my couch with a massive bundle of food in front of me, stuffing my face, crying my eyes out, swearing that I was gonna stop and I wasn't gonna do it again.

And I just, I couldn't. So I knew a little bit about the illness and I knew a little bit about the solution and I still couldn't stop doing what I was doing. And I had a, sponsor in AA, and I can't remember the words she used, but she alluded to the fact that I was maybe a worse case alcoholic because she couldn't relate to what I was doing with food.

She understood about addiction, but she was [00:04:00] just baffled by me and what I was doing with food and painkillers and caffeine and shopping and, she said many times, I don't know how to help you. You're worse than anyone else. And so I felt really doomed and completely despairing by that and thought I was never going to get well.

I really believed that I was just gonna die in addiction. That I was going to eat myself to death. And through the other fellowship, I was given a phone number for a woman who I didn't know anything about her other than her first name and the country that she lived in, and that she was a member of a food fellowship.

This fellowship, although we hadn't quite formed as addictive eaters anonymous at that point, and I was very skeptical about calling her because I'd been around other people who were in 12 step [00:05:00] fellowships and they weren't able to help me, and I just thought, this is gonna be another woman who's not gonna be able to help me with the food.

What is the point? So I think it took maybe three or four weeks to call her, and I remember my first phone call with her. I had just come out of the supermarket. It had been a very unpleasant experience. I called her, crying my eyes out saying I need somebody to help me, and my conversation with her was like, no conversation I'd ever had with anyone before. She spoke to me about the disease of addiction.

She helped me to realize that it was one disease that manifested in many different substances. I was really relieved to hear that because up until that point I thought I had multiple different diseases and that I was gonna have to go to an abundance of 12 step fellowships for my whole life. And she explained to me that she was a member of a fellowship, [00:06:00] and the sobriety statement was freedom from food and all mind altering substances and she spoke about behaviors as well.

And that was a huge relief for me to discover that, that it was just one disease. And that there was just one solution, which was God and the steps. And she also spoke to me about the absolute need to get outta self and to be helping other people. And that was mind blowing to me because I'd spent my whole entire life obsessing about myself and not caring about anyone else.

So when she spoke about, trying to be helpful to other people. I didn't like it too much, but I knew I had absolutely nowhere else to go. I knew that this was like the last rung on the ladder for me. So even although I was really frightened at the thought of stopping all the [00:07:00] substances and behaviors all in one go, there was this overwhelming relief that finally I'd spoken to somebody who got me, who didn't think that I was worse than any other addict who was able to just help me to understand the illness that I suffered from and to talk to me about the solution. And so she agreed to help me, and what I remember her saying to me in almost every conversation I had with her when I was calling her was, it's all a lie. And I didn't understand why she was saying that to me when I would call her and share about my many problems.

She would say, it's all a lie, Claire, don't listen to it. It's all a lie. And over time, I came to realize what she was talking about, 'cause she also helped me to understand that there's a voice that's centered in my mind that is out to get me. It's not my friend. And I did not know that, I was 35 by the time I came to this [00:08:00] fellowship, and I had never heard that before.

I did not know that there was a voice that was always speaking in my head because I always listened to it. I never knew it. It was just mind blowing when she explained that to me, and she really helped me to stop listening to the voice, to stop having conversations with myself, to be able to take a step back and observe the thinking and to not take it seriously to just not believe it.

And to try and really focus on just being in the moment, focusing on my breath, feeling my feet against the floor, my bottom against the chair, whatever it was. And that was like, that was life changing for me, really life changing. And I wish I could sit here and say, I'm excellent at never listening to the voice, and I don't get caught in the conversations.[00:09:00] 

And I wish that was true, but it's just not. I'll quite often speak to sober members and I need to be reminded. You're just listening to the conversation. Stop paying attention to it, focus on your breath, and I just seem to need to hear that over and over again. I stuck around and found it quite difficult to surrender to the 12 steps as a way of life 'cause I just wanted to be able to do everything my own way. So it was a painful experience for me to learn how to follow direction. But a really significant turning point for me came when lockdown came, 'cause up until that point, I was in other 12 step fellowship meetings every day.

And in one AEA meeting a week. And in that AEA meeting, there was only three of us. I was one of them. And there wasn't any [00:10:00] long-term sobriety. We were all pretty new and we were just doing the best we could. So when lockdown came, AEA just blossomed online and there was an abundance of online meetings to go to.

And I got to see all you guys for the first time, 'cause I'd been speaking to many of you for a number of years and I didn't have a clue what you looked like. And I was aware when I was coming along to the meetings that there was a quality of sobriety on those meetings that I hadn't experienced before.

You turned up on time for the meeting. You sat still, you weren't fidgeting the whole time, you were dressed, even at the early morning meetings, you were up, you looked like you were showered, you were dressed, you looked like you were listening during the meeting. When I listened to you sharing, you were really talking about recovery.

You were really focusing on the [00:11:00] solution of trusting God, what that looked like in your life, exactly how you were forgetting about self, how you were helping other people. And I remember at the time feeling a bit intimidated because I was listening to you thinking, I have not got what they have. And I wasn't quite sure why not.

Because I'd been around a while. I was glad to be in AEA, I was doing everything that was suggested. I was loving life, but I just knew there was something that was missing with me. So I prayed and I said to God, I don't know what these people have that I don't have, but whatever it is, I want it. And I prayed that many times, and so I don't know if that prayer has been answered or not, but it's a pretty good prayer. So I just keep praying it. And when I was back home in Inverness, before all the online meetings came, I used to have conversations with God, and I'd say to him, [00:12:00] why have you not sent me to New Zealand to get sober? Because that's where all the sober members are. But that's where the majority of the sober members are.

That's where the majority of the face-to-face meetings were at the time. I often said, what's going on, God, why are you not sending me there? And it was only last week when I was in Wellington and I was spending time with sober members that it dawned on me what a selfish prayer that had been because it was all about me and what I thought I needed and what I thought I wanted for recovery.

And it really struck me that God places me in the positions where I can be of most usefulness to him. And so he doesn't need me in New Zealand 'cause he has all you guys. I mean there's I don't know, 25 of you maybe. I don't know if that's a guess. And so you are doing a great job of carrying the message and doing PI work and helping the newcomer.

So I'm not needed [00:13:00] here and I just had this real fresh awareness of God's really using me back home in Inverness, in Scotland. 'cause there's only three of us. And so that's where I get to be of most use to him. I've loved being here. I've absolutely loved being in New Zealand. It has been such a special treat for me to meet you guys in person, to have face-to-face conversations, to come to meetings.

But I'm really looking forward to going home because we've got some PI stuff happening. When I go home, there's a radio interview lined up where a few of our members will share our experience of what it was like in addiction and what it's like now. And we get to suggest questions that the presenter will ask us that we get to answer so we can share with the public what we want them to know about AEA.

And that's really exciting, really looking forward to that. [00:14:00] And there's some other PI stuff happening as well. So it's just a good reminder that it's not all about me. It's about how I can be helpful to other people and just trusting God with that, that he'll place me where he wants me to be in order to be of maximum usefulness to him.

So thanks for letting me share. I'll leave it there.