[00:00:00] This speaker has been recorded at a meeting of Addictive Eaters Anonymous. For more information, visit our website, www.aainfo.org.

Hi, I'm Gillian i'm an addictive eater. Thanks for asking me to share and it's really good to be here. So the addict in me is frightened to share 'cause I'm scared that I won't come out with the right things. I'm really glad to be here and I'm glad to be asked to share. So share about what it was like, what we do and what it's like now. So like growing up, I didn't realize this till a lot later on in having thinking, I've recovered from alcoholism because I'd stopped drinking and I wasn't using drugs and I was no longer smoking cigarettes. So I thought I was really clean and wholesome [00:01:00] and I was quite self-righteous thinking, look at all the things I've given up.

It took many years after putting the drink down to realize I wasn't sober. And it also took many years to realize that actually food was my first addiction before I discovered any other substances. Probably 'cause food is the first thing I could get my hands on as a child. I did grow up, um, there was addiction in my family.

There were many times I did feel frightened in the household and frightened when I was going to school. I don't think that made me an addict. I think just because I was a very frightened person and didn't feel secure in my home. And it didn't feel safe. I turned to f ood to comfort me and to make me feel better.

But [00:02:00] I've also learned through being in this fellowship and doing the 12 steps, that also the things that happened to me growing up, actually, it's not the things that happen to me, it's my perception of what happens to me that causes me to suffer. So people are maybe got short tempers and not being very nice, or maybe not show me the affection that like I want or think I need.

I would take that very personally and think no one loves me. I'm worthless, I'm useless, blah, blah, blah. When actually through doing the steps, I was able to see that my parents really loved me, and if they acted out on any defects of character, then it was because of their own suffering and it was not personal to me.

 And through to this 12 step program, my relationship is [00:03:00] like so much better with my parents now. I made amends to them for my behavior and they said some really nice things to me, but actually, even if they didn't say anything to me, I'd come to the point where I wanted to get well and I wanted to make amends for my own behavior that it wouldn't have mattered if they didn't say anything particularly nice to me because I got to the place where I could see things for what they were.

 Through coming to AEA and putting the food down, I also was able to see a lot more of my destructive behavior, and this was even without a drink in my system. So that's what I learned, it's like I don't have to have a drink and be inebriated off alcohol to make a mess of my life, to make really bad decisions with my life.

Or to behave destructively. And I used to think that [00:04:00] bad behavior was only like if you like, showed real anger and shouted at people and said really mean things, that was destructive behavior. But I learned in recovery that I have other patterns of destructive behavior. So I wouldn't shout at someone.

I'd just cry and go and hide in my room and hope that someone would follow me. It was like, that victim mentality of I'm so nice and why is everyone so mean to me? And it just like wanting everyone to come around me and make me feel okay. And for me, I've realized that's just as destructive as shouting at someone.

So before I came to AEA lots of people already know this, but I'd been unemployed for three years. I went through a marriage and divorce in recovery. This was just not drinking. And I thought to [00:05:00] myself. If I'm gonna get back into any kind of society, I'll just do what I love.

So I went to drama school for the year and just did a master's in professional acting, but I was like miserable the whole time because I still had this disease. I was still eating addictively. I spent all my time comparing myself to other people on the course. I was just jealous of people if they were good at acting or if they had nice figures.

And then if we did anything like for industry professionals, it was just like, you all your thinking is pick me, I hope someone picks me. So it was just like what I thought would make me really happy. I thought, i'll do what I love and then I'll be happy. I probably didn't realize it at the time, but just doing what I love doesn't make me happy if I'm not sober and well.

And I thought I went to another food fellowship, [00:06:00] I don't know why. So I kept going in and out of wondering if I'm a food addict because I'm so obsessive, my addiction would just swap. So one minute I'd be obsessed with men, and then I'd be back obsessed with food, and then I'd be drinking coffee addictively.

It was just changing all the time. And my form of eating would change all the time. So at times it was overeating, and then other times it was really restricting, counting calories and like just trying to eat as little calories as possible. So I couldn't really see the food that clearly, but my life was like a real mess, like mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

I was just like in a really bad place. And I was like doing step, 10 inventories every day in another fellowship and just every night sending my inventory to a sponsor and she's saying well, why are you still doing this? Nothing was [00:07:00] changing. I was just writing the same things down every night and nothing was changing.

And then somehow I went online and I typed in something to do with think I was looking for the nutritionist or something. I don't know what I was looking for, but I found this fellowship. And I wouldn't say by accident because I feel like this fellowship found me, like my higher power, I sincerely believe from the bottom of my heart, led me to this fellowship because it's a small fellowship.

I'd never heard of it before. Somehow, so whoever's sorting out the web stuff, thank you very much. Because I found it and I wasn't in here long, like I just knew, especially the statements at the beginning. We believe in freedom from all mind and mood altering substances. That's been my experiences that I've just taken loads of substances, swapping from one thing to another.[00:08:00] 

And to me it doesn't actually really matter what the substance is, it's the same malady and I'll just use anything to fix that. And I just knew this was the right place. And since coming here, it's been just over three years. So I've got sober, got myself a sponsor, stopped eating addictively, but i've retrained in a profession that I wasn't planning on retraining in. And it's like it's a miracle that I've managed to stick it out. Like I've just finished my, today was my last day in a job because I've just covered maternity for the year, and there's been times during this time, when I've been like phoning my sponsor saying, I can't do this job anymore, it's too hard.

And luckily through my sponsor and other people in this fellowship, I've been given the grace to just keep getting back up [00:09:00] every day and just going back into work no matter what my head says. And uh, I was just being sharing with a member. Like things have changed something happened with a student in school, and I won't go into it, but I just reported it and I didn't come home crying.

Like when I first started here, I was like going into this workplace in a school and I'd be coming home crying thinking, "Why do all the kids hate me? No one likes me" because I'm still an addict. I'd make it all about me. And the fact that something happened and I just dealt with it and then I haven't taken it home as in this is so personal, it's about me.

That in itself is a real miracle. I got a big bunch of flowers today. I got really thanked for how much I've put in, I spoke to the head teacher down the corridor, which is even a miracle in itself 'cause I probably feel intimidated to speak to a head [00:10:00] teacher. Just had a conversation thanking him and he was like, thank you for going above and beyond.

That's not me going above and beyond like if I worked anywhere, say my time to finish work was three o'clock. I'd be literally out that door on the dot at three o'clock and thinking, I'm not being paid anymore for this, and I just get out as quick as I could. But the fact that I'm getting up early, going to work and staying after work to get things done and sometimes I'm moan about it and go into self pity.

Like the fact that I've done that and I feel like I have made a difference. And just like little nice surprises in the job where just where I'm not expecting it, where someone will be like, tell me they're going to miss me and I didn't expect that particular person's gonna tell me they're gonna miss me.

Do you know, just things like that. That's all [00:11:00] down to AEA. And I did pray this morning because I know I'm self-seeking and I want a load of attention because it's my last day. I was like, please God, help me not to seek attention. Help me to make it about the students on their last day of half term. Help me to see if I can show other people that I appreciate them in the job, not make it all about. 'Cause typically I want like a big.

And I'll finish on this now, I'm still a bit self-seeking because the kids in my class, I'm their form teacher. They'd given me a card from everyone saying thank you. But later on I found out that the kids gave a thank you card to another teacher who's leaving.

And I was like, a bit upset and jealous thinking and I thought I was really special. But you know what I have gained so much from just being in this fellowship. I've learned to be [00:12:00] responsible, face up to things that scare me. If I make a mistake, I've learned to have a conversation with someone in the fellowship first and then if I need to go and be honest, even if I'm scared of being honest, I just keep doing it.

And what I found is every time I worry about being honest with something that I've done wrong and then I just go and do it and admit it, it's like making amends at step nine. It's never been nowhere, like what my head has said, and I've always felt freedom when I do the right thing and I only get the courage to do the right thing because of my higher power.

But I feel like with the people in this fellowship, I'm able to trust in a higher power because often I can forget that I can trust a higher power. So I need my higher power in human beings to remind me that all is well. I literally [00:13:00] owe my life to this program. So thank you all for those of you that have been such a massive part of it.

I'll leave it there.