015 : A Legacy Life - Another Conversation with John Sardella

John Sardella is back! 

In this episode, John Sardella, author of "A Journey Without a Map" sat down with us again and is our guest for episode 13. 

In episode 13, we touched on the topic of legacy, and opened up the conversation to a vulnerable place as John shared what he wanted on his gravestone. 

Thinking about death seems to always have a dark tone, but the idea of the legacy we leave behind can be a really beautiful thing. It's a powerful and helpful stepping stone on our journey that allows you to find a deeper meaning for your time on earth, cherish the memories you've created, and reevaluate your choices. John agreed wholeheartedly. 

 Here's our chat. 

John Sardella : JohnSardella.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Let's step back a little. Take a look inside our true self. Get comfortable in the uncomfortable. And let's embrace our reality. Life is tough. So are you? Welcome to the Choose Your Attitude Podcast with Nickel Strip. Join Nick, the author of Living Someone Who's Dying. As he shares his experiences of life life. Life on the road as a traveling roadie. It is guess we'll get into real topics while encouraging you to let go of the past. Lift up the present. And fiercely build your better tomorrow. Let's get through this together. Now, here's your host, Nick Strand.

SPEAKER_00 0:44

Hey, welcome to the Choose Your Attitude Podcast, where we discuss real life stuff, learn to master the only aspects we can control in life, and use it as a tool to make today the best day of your life. Every morning we wake up with a choice to make. What attitude are you going to create your life with today? We chat with people of all walks of life, people sharing their own stories and tips of some of life's most difficult journey. There is no proper way to do this correctly besides talking about it and walking through the process, no matter how difficult it may be. So let's train the elephant in the room together, but first a word from our sponsors. Are you looking for some much-needed motivation? Maybe a new way to feel inspired. We know that life is tough, but so are you. Finding that perfect shirt you've been dreaming of is a tough journey. But we have you covered. That's why we are here with Choose Your Attitude Apparel. Wear with confidence and remind yourself you're choosing a way to success. It is a constant reminder that you can share with others. Join the Choose Your Attitude community and share an attitude of style that others will want to be a part of. So get yours now at chooseyourattitude.com. Would you like to be a sponsor on the Choose Your Attitude Podcast? Reach out to us at podcast at chooseyourattitude.com. We are back with John Sardella in this episode. John Sardella, author of A Journey Without a Map, sat down with us in episode 13. After recording, we talked for another hour and felt it was important to do another episode, but this time focused on legacy. In episode 13, we touched on this topic and it actually hit deep with John as he discussed what he wanted on his gravestone. Talking about death and how we want to be remembered after life is tough. But it's so powerful and helpful in our journey in life. Helpful to deal with life when it gets difficult, but more importantly, it helps find a deeper meaning to your time on Earth, your memories you want to create, and the legacy you truly want to leave behind. Here's our chat. Alrighty, um, I am excited. Uh John Sardello, welcome to the show again. Um it's it's a pleasure to have you on. We had a great time last time, and uh we wanted to have you on again. Um you we were we were talking about some stuff after our last recording. Um he wrote a book uh called Um The Journey Without a Map. Um and uh it's it's a beautiful story um about his wife um seven-year battle uh with cancer. Um and uh we talked about how beautiful it was and uh the parallels with Brianna and my story. And um just as a quick recap, if you can kind of uh in your words, just kind of do a quick recap of um uh a little bit of that uh from your heart.

SPEAKER_03 4:02

Sure, Nick, and I appreciate you having me on again. Uh we did connect, we had a great conversation, and I think last time we could have probably spoken for about five hours. Oh, well, this is this is our number two. That's right. Here's our number two. But uh yeah, it's a recap of just uh my experience the last 10 years of my wife battling cancer, you know, going through it as a family with my kids, and then once she passed in 2017, what life has been the next three years um and the challenges that I faced, but also the ability to connect with other people like you and uh many others throughout the country and even in the world, um, just to share my story and to see how many people can relate to the story, and unfortunately have gone through a very difficult time like we have. Uh, but that's pretty much what the book is. It's it gives the story of what who my wife was, how beautiful she was, and what a beautiful person she was, but also who was there to help and support us, the connections that we had, and also along with that, the legacy that's left behind. And what you how is she remembered today? And uh, you know, as we talk too, is uh, you know, how do will we be remembered? And what's the legacy you leave behind?

SPEAKER_00 5:15

Uh that was a that was a topic that brought some emotions out. Um and um, you know, for me too, it's um it's it's something that in these times right now, uh we've almost been forced to think on a more simpler basis, but on a more important basis. Um and and thinking of those things. Um I had an experience last yesterday walking to the gym where I saw um she was probably 10 years old on a bicycle, and I saw her um kind of have this smile when she looked at the trees and the wind blowing. And it made me kind of, you know, thinking about this topic and um this discussion, it made me just realize like how busy life is and how some of those simple things of just taking a breath and thinking of those things and how important though those feelings are, um, you know, for her to, you know, kind of have a smile with the trees blowing. Um, and and I I feel like a legacy is is is kind of a little bit of the same thing.

SPEAKER_03 6:24

Um and uh well, talking those points, Mike, talking those points, what I find is there's a lot of people who do who don't simplify their life, they try to complicate their own life, and along with complication comes so much other drama and nonsense that's unnecessary. But if you use the KISS method, you know, keep it simple, silly. It's amazing how if you focus on your priorities and the simple things in life, how you can appreciate life even that much more. What I find is there's a lot of people who don't look at the force through the trees. What they do is they keep seeing that individual tree in front of them and they keep running in into it instead of all of a sudden peeping their head around and saying, Holy cow, look at how what else is out there? As I was thinking about our conversation, I was thinking about how there's a lot of leadership books out there who say, create your mission statement. What is your mission statement? Where do you want to go? But a mission statement is great because that's when you wake up your day every day, but it's really what is the vision? What's the purpose for that day? And can you see beyond? And it's you know, the analogy of seeing the forest through the trees and not running into that singular tree. And where do you want to go with that? Now, every not everybody thinks that way. A lot of people get stuck in the moment and can't get out of the moment, but if they're able to just take that step and see beyond, it's amazing what they can accomplish as they continue to move forward in life.

SPEAKER_00 7:55

It's um it's uh it it it's it is is goal setting is is what comes to mind. Um, but I think it's a little bit even more complex or even more um simpler. And I I say complex because it's it's looking from the outside, but it's simpler because it's something by sitting and actually thinking about it. Um and when I say that, I mean what one of the things I was thinking about too in this is literally you you always hear well work the system backwards. Don't don't work from where you are, work from backwards. Um in my story with Brianna, um, our journey, one of the things we had was pillow talks. And in those talks, we talked about death. We talked about um these things. Um in addition to that, um, much like uh in your story, um, you have Margaret's journal that she left behind. Um and it's a beautiful uh rendition in in each chapter where you hear from Margaret and then you uh from her journal and then you hear from you in the present. Um Brianna kind of did the same thing for me um or for us, and and she left a journal. Um, but in these in these Pellotalks, we didn't have the big deep questions or discussions. It was actually the simpler questions. Um What's your favorite color? Um, what what at your funeral, what what song best describes you? Um if there was one thing you wanted somebody to say about you at your funeral, what is that? As I say this, I'm I'm bringing emotions to myself up.

SPEAKER_03 9:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:52

But this is where I think um that simple and complex come together. Um it's simple because these are just simple questions, but complex because they mean so much.

SPEAKER_03 10:06

Yeah, yeah, I would agree with that.

SPEAKER_00 10:08

Um and I I and I think it's less about yes, there's your dreams where you want to be in life, but there's also how you want to be perceived. And it's it's almost like a um a guess and check of of keeping yourself um in check and making sure that on a daily basis um you're striving to be a better person and reaching that that character of yourself um that you want to achieve.

SPEAKER_03 10:42

Um what I find, Nick, what I find is uh, you know, those conversations, great conversations that you have because they leave a great memory. And you know, I can relate specifically about the song, you know, uh Spirit in the Sky was Margaret's song at her funeral. She said, I want that song to be played. And when I hear that song today, I of course think about her and who she is. And it's uh the words are just so powerful and meaningful. But I also think what happens is as you keep it simple, the complexities come from navigating what you want to accomplish. And as you navigate through life and you have so many other factors that come involved, and many times the other factors are other people. Um, that's when the complexity of what you're doing comes to light. However, when you go through something as big that we've gone through with that death of somebody we loved and our partner, what happens is it just continues to give you a focus of what's important and the priorities of life. And when somebody gets into the drama of life or the nonsense of life, that's when I step back and say, Well, I don't need that. I just, you know, I'm going to go in this direction. And I just do it quietly and I just, you know, do it um inconspicuously so people don't know that I'm doing it. But I think I think also life as you grow comes with wisdom. And a lot of things that you believe in, and as you get older, you all of a sudden realize that that turns into wisdom that can help others and work with others and really help you to continue, you know, as a person to grow and to be the best person that you can be.

SPEAKER_00 12:25

I think um, and again, the emotions. Um it it exactly from that, what comes to mind is in some of my most difficult times, and and you you know this, I'm sure, with Margaret, um, when you with your best friend, uh the love of your life, you you console them, console into them for the most difficult times. And when I was always down and I had a hard time, Brianna was the first person I'd go to. And one of the main things she would always say, no matter the struggle, whether I was right or I was wrong in the struggle, she would always remind me that I'm building my character. That it's a constant process, that it's showing up and and continually um uh analyzing my situation, less of hiding it, but walking through it. Um and and I think that's part of this whole legacy thing is doing the exact same thing, but in the process of working backwards, you're you're making sure that you're moving in the right direction as opposed to you know moving in darkness. So we all have struggles, we all have difficulty, but I know for me, um, and and I I I would like to you know kind of throw it back to you after um, but one of the things I found is in the journey when it came close to death, it was actually slow and methodical and and a beautiful journey. Rather than like with my mom, um it was stressful, it was very fast. And um, a lot of that I saw because we had those discussions and we also processed and continued. So when it came to the end, there was nothing to catch up to, there was nothing to um have to change because we had been changing and working towards that together.

SPEAKER_03 14:40

I agree a hundred percent with that statement. Uh, you know, when Margaret did pass, we together grew as one, and when she was ready to go, she was she accepted that. What was difficult for us in the many conversations that we had was the sadness that was left behind. Because then what happens is then then the moment she passes, then you start thinking about all the next steps. And the next steps, you know, weighed so heavy because it wasn't just me. I had three children that were going through it. I had her family members going through it, I had friends going through it, and I was trying to really balance everybody to check on them, see how they're doing as they were checking on me. And as you go through that, though, um, you know, I don't have any regrets looking back because as she went to that final stage of life, she was ready and she was accepting of that, and as she was accepting of that, um, I was able to move forward because of that. Now, as you know, there's still sadness left behind, there's still that hole in your heart, but the hole is there, but you just manage it better as we get older, and as with time passes, you never forget. I mean, I wake up every single day. The moment I wake up, I think about you know, she's not there. But as I continue to move forward, um, I still have that hole in my heart, but I have great memories of remembering who she was without any regret, and that's important.

SPEAKER_00 16:04

I think um I think one thing as well uh in that is part of leaving this legacy, um and and it's not leaving a legacy in an egotistical mindset, it's leaving a legacy, I think, more in effect of reminding ourselves that we're only given a certain amount of time, and are we using that time wisely, not in a sense of uh, you know, are we struggling or not, but more so are we providing to society, are we providing to those around us so that way um it's something that will be remembered in a long sense, um, something that will help others. Um, and and you know, with Margaret's journal in your book uh is something that happened. Um same with me. Um one of the things that uh Brianna did um is she created a quote. Um, and I know you guys had the color yellow and uh are are kind of working on some avenues from that. Um one of the things that uh I I wanted to talk about, so I I I looked at some things here. Um and and in addition to like what song do you want to be played? Um, one of the other things is what do you want etched on your tombstone? What it what are those words? Um and it's it death is a difficult topic for many to talk about, but these talks are very extremely important because they give you something to go by. Um I have a few examples here. Um I actually have uh uh for my mom and Brianna, um I actually have little example etched here. So for my mom, um hers is heaven is for real. Um, and please move, you're blocking my view. Um you know, and it it it's beautiful because um, you know, to be honest, I haven't even thought about this yet. And as I talk about this to you, it makes me realize that you know, these are things that I need to do. Um for Brianna, hers was choose your attitude, create your life. Um, and um and I and I think so. Another one I wanted to show here too was um uh she also had uh live, laugh, love, um, because those were things that she enjoyed. Now with my mom, we had to catch up, we had to create. Um with Brianna, it was we had already had it all planned out. But what was the difference? The difference was again, um, my mom's journey was a race, and so it was a difficult journey. With Brianna, it was a beautiful journey, and so I guess what I'm getting at again is trying to show the significance of why being able to have these discussions now is not you putting a timestamp on yourself saying that you're gonna die tomorrow, but more it's accepting the fact that we're all going to die and making yourself more proactive instead of waiting. I know there's a lot of people that, you know, well, we're gonna wait for the perfect time to buy the car, we're gonna wait for that perfect time to buy the house, um, or even have kids. Um, and I think having those type of things to talk about help you kind of put in perspective where you are in society or where you are um in your life as far as you know reaching the things you want to.

SPEAKER_03 20:00

Well, what I find is that you can't force those things though, you have to let it evolve. Um, I found through my life working uh just to be a better person, like you are always working to be a better person. You know, you're looking in the mirror, you're looking at the reflection back. Is that who you want to be? And as you do that, um, it's all those other things that you do, and you just when the moment comes, you have to cease the moment. See, what happened with me was I graduated college, I became a teacher. When I student taught, that's when I knew I found the job that was right for me. Now I had my father, 32 years, who was an elementary teacher, and he was a fifth, fifth, and fourth grade teacher. Just every 10 years, he dropped down because a grade level went to the middle school, and he didn't want to go to the middle school. I knew it was a good profession because he talked so highly about it. He talked about the difference he made in the students, and he would talk about so many great things. So then, as I continue to grow and become the person that I knew I was capable of being, and going through those awkward years of high school, college, and just trying to figure out who am I, I had the ability to gain confidence through teaching and making a difference for others. And that's when I started focusing on more coaching. I focused more on reading literature that was uh, you know, leadership-based and relationship-based. And I realized that here are all these powerful coaches, you know, John Wooden and and some other coaches that are out there, you know. I love John Wooden, who was the Hall of Fame coach from UCLA, who talks about the simplicity of life. He says, just do the right thing. You know, it's as simple as making sure you put your socks on right so you don't get blisters. But it's simplicity, but also he had the ability to have faith family and friends. And those are the things that drove him. And then he also stuck to what he believed. And as he believed that, the power of His relationship with his players, and I looked at the power relationships with others, helped me to evolve. So then when it came to Margaret, I was pretty balanced in my life. I had my faith, I had my family, I had my friends, I had a great job, I was doing a lot of good things, watching everybody move forward. So when we were given the diagnosis back in 2010, I realized that was the next moment that I had to seize and I had to do the right thing. And that's when I said to Margaret, I will never leave your side. And I didn't leave her side upon her death. That was the last time I was by her side. Um, but the reality is I actually have her ashes downstairs, so she's actually by my side in the house every single day. What I did was I seized the moment, I understood the moment, and I had the responsibility of doing that. And then when those moments come, you have to try to act and do the right thing. As that all evolved, I also came to the conclusion that I knew I was going to write a book because I had my lacrosse publications from 20 years ago, but I also knew, and this is so strange because even before she died, I knew I was going to write some kind of memoir or story or a book of stories or something. It just so happened upon her death. And when I moved forward with the book, the story was about her and us and the people around us, and just moving forward through her death. But I was able to seize that opportunity, and as I seized that opportunity and I got published with this book, what it did was it healed me. I'm a different person today than I was six months ago prior to the book coming out, because I was able to write down my words that were all scrambled in my head, and I was able to share. But another part of that healing is to hear other people's stories. I had a vision of helping other people, and that's become reality. And along with that reality, it's given me the opportunity to be able to speak about it to somebody who gets it. And when you have those conversations with somebody who gets it, it's amazing how powerful those conversations are. Hence, here we are, our second podcast we're doing together because we get it together.

SPEAKER_00 24:14

I think I think one of the biggest aspects through what you just mentioned is the ability to process. Um, and when I say ability, I I I feel like the way I said it is um uh uh there's no right way to do things. But I think the important thing is the attempt to continue to try. Um because if you don't continue to try, that's when the so-called elephant in the room builds up. That's when your baggage begins to um build up to where when it does come time you've you may regret or have those issues um to catch up with. Um one of the questions I would have, and uh as I was as you've been saying that, it's something I've been trying to think to answer. Um for a person that maybe either A has uh a close family or uh a friend or person close to them, a partner, um, and they're trying to have these discussions. Um what did you find or what kind of suggestions would you give somebody um in trying to make it more welcoming? Um I know that's one thing as I as I'm asking, I'm I'm going through the process myself. And um, you know, with my mom, it was a bit of a challenge. Uh again with Brianna, it was it was super easy. It was, you know, it was it was actually more difficult for me to have the discussion than for her. Um, but I'm just trying to think of those that are listening, trying to get some insight on figuring out ways to help them um, you know, approach this unknown or this scary uh you know burden.

SPEAKER_03 26:10

I think what you have to do is you have to just physically be there and your physical presence next to the person or with the person in close proximity, you know, even if that's in their one room in the house, you're in another room, you know, like for example, uh Margaret used to say to me, um, you know, somebody would invite me to play golf, and I'd be like, you know, I'm not going to play today, you know, and she would say, Oh, you should go. And I said, No, no, I I'd rather just sit here with you. And I kind of sense at that point in time where my time was going to be limited with her. So I really um try to stay as close and with her as much as I possibly could. So that was one of the things. But also the other thing is um I waited for her to share. When she was ready to share, I could tell she would get very quiet, but then all of a sudden, you know, we'd, you know, might be in bed to have a pillow talk like you did, and then we'd have a conversation, or there was something else that would trigger the conversation, and um, you know, she would show some of her frustration, or she would show some of her sadness and whatever I could do. And I I just let her talk and I held her hand and I just worked through with her that way. Um, and then if I felt there was an opportunity to chime in and share something, what I was feeling, that's what I would do. But many times I just sat and I waited. I was physically present with the person and I waited for them to be able to share. And once they shared and once she would share, there were times that she really opened up. You know, in her journal, she would write in her journal almost every single day. And that journal writing, I think, really helped her to express what she was feeling. Um, the thing that was really difficult the last six months was the fact that, you know, she knew that she knew her demise was coming sooner than later. And as she did, um, it was really um tough for her to smile. I even allude to that in the book. And I said to her, How can I help you to smile? And you know, she felt bad about that, but that's just she was so drained physically, she had so much pain, and she just had so many things that were happening inside of her that it was very difficult because she was just physically exhausted. She was um not even capable of you know getting up and down the stairs on her own. I had to help her, you know, through getting up to the stairs and putting her to bed every night. But you know, it really was just the physical presence of being there and waiting for that person to be able to share when they're ready to share.

SPEAKER_00 28:31

I think I uh I I agree. I I think one of the big things, and and this is even outside of those moments. Um, but in society, I I feel like we're always um destined to feel like we gotta speak up. Um when it's when it's silent, um, or when we're hearing somebody, we feel like we got we we gotta fit in. We and for us to fit in, we gotta respond, we gotta share. And I think in some of these moments, um and even outside of these difficult times, um to feel uncomfortable, to be silent, and to just listen um is even more important to provide your insight, um to uh uh just like you said, be present to help them feel um that they are adequate in that feeling of uncomfortable or or you know discomfort.

SPEAKER_03 29:38

Um I I agree with that, Nick. I think um as as I evolved, what I have found is if I just sit back and listen more, it's even more powerful. And then I respond when it's necessary to respond. But listening is um one of the most important attributes that you can have because it's really listening to others, and it sometimes they just need to talk.

SPEAKER_00 30:02

I think you you even said it in the book, and I I I think I mentioned it in the book as well. It's hard, it's hard to remember. Um, but um you know what I remember going through it, and and I still do, it actually was more it felt more comfortable and uh uh meaningful to me when somebody said, you know, I really don't know what to do right now, but I'm here as opposed to saying you need help or go do this, or this is what I would do. Um because you've you've no matter the feelings you feel in those situations, those are the feelings we want to bring out and to process and understand. Um so to push outside of that is in a bit of hiding them or not being able to process them. And I think that's where this whole legacy thing comes around is learning to kind of get inside that and and find out um some of those deeper emotions and and now, especially with COVID, uh, you know, time's slowed down a lot and has allowed us to see that that when we're so busy with life that sometimes we run over it and we're not able to. So, you know, um, you know, the some things that I I go back to is um one of the first things Brian and I did when we when we met is uh we got rid of TV. Um and and so what happened was is it was we would watch movies, but it would be we would sit on the couch and we would give each other a foot rub. And sometimes that silence provoked or invited the deeper conversations. Um and um those are what actually gave us the strength, I think.

SPEAKER_03 32:10

Um while you you're talking about that the irony of Dana Farber when we would travel there and we would have her appointments, it gave me and her five hours of alone time in the car, and we would be able to have the conversations in the car with her, and it was powerful. Uh, you know, her and I would talk for five hours, or she would sleep, and you know, we'd have an opportunity to talk for a period of time. And then by the time we got to our friends John and Mary Alice's, where we stayed with them overnight. Um, then it became a different conversation because John and Mary Alice are just great friends, good people. We'd have some wine together, we sit up, we talk. John and I would end up going in a room. Margaret and her friend Mary Alice would go in a room, have conversations, and then we'd go to bed and we wake up early and we would go to the appointment. And after the appointment, we had another five hours of driving back home. So we had 10 hours of just me and her on those drives. And going to Dana Farber was kind of therapeutic for her and I to be able to work through what we were going through. Um, when we left there, I was actually more emotional leaving Dana Farber because it gave me the sense of confidence for her. And when we did get home, the good thing is the drug got approved through the FDA, and so therefore, we didn't have to worry about the clinical trial anymore. But the doctor still communicated, which was great. And so she was able to do a lot of her treatments and her doctor visits locally in Syracuse. And then what happened is we ended up going back to Dana Farber, and that time it was different. And as we went back to Dana Farber, we had the conversations, they were deeper conversations, they were more emotional conversations because the second time we went back, which was almost four years later, um became more real. We knew that you know the the cancer metastasized to our liver, and all of a sudden the conversations totally shifted, and it was more about what is going to happen next. Um, but we still had that time to be able to uh have the you know reflect, decipher information, and just try to figure some things out. So by the time we did get home and we were with the kids, our mindset was in a better place as we worked through that together. But we did have those special times together.

SPEAKER_00 34:33

I um in addition to the special times, I mean it it's you know, sometimes you're you in our busy worlds, you're not able to get those special times. Um, and and sometimes learning to communicate is difficult. Um, I think for me, one thing uh I'm a travel traveling roadie, so I travel all the time. One of the things that that gave us is um the ability to learn to communicate better. Um and this as well, I think um having those discussions um helped in communication um on many of the other things. Um because even though these things were not in a a dire need right away, um it allowed for when there was a littler things to happen for the clear communication to occur. Um and I I think that's a whole nother aspect that this also provides is by kind of working backwards, you find out where you want to go, you're able to learn to communicate with other people, to kind of feel and understand, um, but then at the same time to communicate your thoughts at the same time listen to others. Um and and I think that's a huge process. I think um uh another thing that I'm I'm I'm looking at here too, um, and and I I would kind of ask that as a question, outside of the journals, do you remember anything else that you guys may have done um that were helpful for you? Um things that come to my mind uh would be uh like a will, working on a will together. Um things that I wish I would have done with my mom would have been write down all her recipes. Um one thing that we did with my mom uh prior to her passing, um it somehow we were able to make it work, is I forced my brother and I, um and actually my mom as well, to go through the piles of pictures and scan them and label them. Um but what type of th things like that did you guys that that kind of come to mind that you guys did um that were not only therapeutic, but also helped you process and prepare mentally and even I guess in reality, uh, you know, uh if you're to think of it more in a business mindset, I guess.

SPEAKER_03 37:07

Well, that's a that question is uh the answer is twofold. One is um we try to keep our life every day as normal as possible, and we try to make sure that every day, you know, we were there for the kids uh before, you know, six months before Margaret passed. Um, we we had a uh graduation party for my daughter because she just graduated high school. And Margaret was really focused on that. Um, she wasn't teaching anymore, and she had the ability to be able to go and you know focus on that, and she looked fantastic, you know. And I look at the pictures, and she looks healthy, she looks good, she looks fantastic. Um, so we try to just keep normalcy of our life with our kids, with her family, going to visit them, and just all the people around us. So that was really what we did together to try to just keep moving forward. When you speak about the other piece of this answer, is when you speak about going through the wills, going through um just the next steps of making sure there's transfer accounts uh financially and just trying to button up everything prior to her death, those were very difficult for us. You know, I was very fortunate because I had well, you know, I talked about my close friends to you, um, where there's eight of us. Well, one of them is happens to be a lawyer, and he's a you know, my lawyer, and he was able to help us through all those, you know, when it came to the power of attorney, the wills, the um uh health proxy, you name it, all that type of stuff. Uh, do not resuscitate, all those type of things. Those weren't enjoyable conversations because the reality was there. Now we already had our will set up, you know, 15 years prior to that, but those were difficult conversations. When we had to sit down with our financial guy and we had to talk about you know what kind of money is available with possible additional treatments that she's going to have. And when we talked about the finances and with him, everything had to be turned over to me. Those weren't if those were difficult conversations. Margaret sat there, she didn't really interact much. Me and the financial person did, and you know, I had to be very delicate about that, but also we had to be pretty truthful about it too, and why we were there without actually seeing it. And and so though those were very difficult conversations, but it was upon her death, it helped help me myself to be able to move forward, and we didn't have a lot of extraneous things that were out there. The loose ends were very few that I could button up in no time at all and be able to move forward. Um, those so it really was like just keeping normalcy in our life, but then uh through those conversations and even trying to label things or leave things for people, we didn't do any of that. We didn't do that.

SPEAKER_00 40:03

Did did you find yourself um creating uh kind of an emergency plan? Um, I know that uh back home living in Washington State, um, as as a kid, we had uh Mount Rainier right there. So there was Lahar drills, we had Mount Rainier explosion possibly drills, you know, earthquake drills, and in those came uh, you know, the idea of food prep or or figuring out your communication plan when things would happen. Um and I know with Brianna, we we kind of that's one thing that I was proud of that I I was able to create. Um I didn't do it as soon as I wish I would have, but is create kind of a a team. Okay, you're gonna be the person who's gonna reach out to family, you're gonna be the person that's gonna reach out to the friends. Um, you're gonna be the person that when we get back, you're gonna help us, you're gonna think about food. So everybody's you know fed as we're you know, those days. Did did you have any of those talks or any of those type of things um to kind of help stabilize um the extreme of those events?

SPEAKER_03 41:11

Uh we did not. We did not have those kind of conversations because what happened was her last year of life I was able to, or the yeah, the last year of life, I was able to take periods of time off from work. My workplace was great. So if she was struggling through a period of time, I literally would be able to take a month of work off. And so I sat there, worked with her on it. One of the things that happened is trying to communicate to other people and give them the reality what was happening didn't really take place until a week before she died. You know, I had to have the conversations with her family, I had a conversation with friends, I had to have the conversation with the kids, you know. Margaret was included in that conversation, of course. And, you know, we we had to give them the hard facts of the reality, this is going to happen. Just you got to be prepared. We're here for you, whatever I can do, so on and so forth. Prior to that, people weren't ready for those conversations because they were still looking at hope, and they were still looking at okay, there's going to be this magic pill that's going to help and and fix everything. And that wasn't the reality, that wasn't going to happen. So, you know, really me being there physically present with her and keeping things really, really simple, Nick. I mean, to the point of, you know, we went through our day where you know, I made sure that I was there to cook her whatever food she needed, uh, put her to bed, you know, she slept a lot. Uh, you know, just whatever she needed, I was there for. And I wouldn't leave the house. I mean, I would stay in the house with her so that I was there every moment that I possibly could be to say, hey, what do we need to do? Um upon her death, you know, it was really me reaching out to people who would then, you know, started reaching out to others. And uh her family came right up, you know, immediately. Um, you know, there were friends that came right up, you know, and they know and sat with me and worked with the kids, and you know, they went back to faith family and friends, and we just relied on people to help and support us however we could. And um we also kept things, you know, very simple to the point where you know, she wrote out her funeral, but it was a simple mass and with just some details to it, but it wasn't um extravagant, and you know, that's who she was. She was a very simple person as I try to be today, and uh, and I was too. Um, we just look at what's important in life and we just try to focus on that.

SPEAKER_00 43:44

I think I uh it's it's as you say that we both kind of go through the struggle, and I think some of this conversation, like you said, is is to help others. And my my effort is also to also help others maybe. have these talks or or have these things that we went through just by you know I I the word that comes to mind is audible sense where it was just you know as it happened we live through the moment um and uh and what what I'm hoping is that with these talks that we can help people have these conversations prior to these moments um to help them build and and hopefully when when things like this happen to them um they're sharing insight to us because they've been able to get further into the um uh uh process and and understanding to make it a little bit more um I don't want to say streamlined but it's you know again when you when you come back to it and and you look at the simplicity of it you know it's what what worked best was kind of having a little bit of structure um so that way when things did get tough um you were able to react on those as opposed to uh the instinctual reaction yeah what what I what I think it is it goes back to knowing your audience yeah if you know your audience then you know how to receive information and share information um you know as you grew with your wife and as I grew with Margaret the bottom line is you know I had 30 years with her and you know between our relationship two years prior to marriage and our 27 and a half years of marriage um what happened was we we knew each other and we knew each other and how to work with each other and be able to share but it's a difficult balance because you also don't want to trigger um negative feelings you don't want to trigger resentment you don't want to trigger things that are going to set the person off because they're already dealing with so much and it's so emotional that it's so difficult.

SPEAKER_03 46:02

And you also as a person going through it want to be careful of being the person who becomes the focus and all of a sudden the focus becomes you because you can't handle it or you become so emotional. So I think for anybody out there listening it really comes down to knowing the audience or knowing that person well enough to really be able to have those conversations and go through those growth conversations.

SPEAKER_00 46:28

I also think you said something very important earlier and that was about listening more listen to the person and if you do it's amazing how helpful that is I I think um it it's a cycle and I I think some of that too is um you know preparation um and and I I think our biggest struggle with this whole thing is death is something that we're all going to do we're all going to die um it's it's one of the most common resisted facts um that I think we have but I think hopefully with these conversations it allows us to become more comfortable um and so like you said with those with those talks that it's not you know the the other things are not added to it when we're having those discussions um and and that's what I think is important and I think having those early in life um helps you all together as a to become vulnerable as you face fear to become successful as you try to reach your dreams um and it allows you to have a little bit more confidence and preparation in your your plan um as you go through life and I think that's one thing that I saw in Brianna that made her I want to say and I I think you would agree I the word that comes to mind again is success. But success I feel like is something that you you you go to achieve where Margaret Brianna my mom when you have a disease you're seen as a hero not because you wanted to overcome something but more so they live through it and made it look effortless. I saw her being so strong was because she early in the game believed in the fact that she was going to die. To most that's a negative connotation that's a scary thought but because of that it made her realize that there is sand on the top of her time capsule of of life of that hourglass and that we need to respect that more than hide that um and and I think that it it helps you then strengthen your time on every single day and being present um as opposed to being blindfolded to what's ahead.

SPEAKER_03 49:43

I know that was kind of a deep thing but yeah the the key is what I find is that you know my another one of my other close friends who happens to be a radiology oncologist I refer to him as you know law in my book um he's one of those close eight friends and he said you don't want to be a victim to the disease and you know you you control the disease that's what Brianna did she controlled the disease she said I'm not going to let this hold me back I'm not going to be a victim to the disease but I also think what people if they go with that mindset it's amazing how they can get through things. If they and I'm talking about the person who has the disease and that partner or those people around that person because as Margaret was persevering through that disease she helped give everybody else around her strength. And as I continue to move forward and work with her through that disease and knew that and knowing that we were a partnership as we were going through that it gave me strength.

SPEAKER_00 50:47

And then all of a sudden that trickles down to everybody else my kids had strength through that my friends had strength family members had strength through that and as she did pass away you know at the funeral I said it's going to be okay you're going to be sad we have loss but the thing is don't be angry move forward it's going to be okay and and that gave permission for people to be able to grieve that gave permission to say it's okay to be sad but at the same time it's okay to move forward and as people move forward it's amazing how they they're going to be able to handle things they never knew they could handle I was I was just going to say the exact same thing is as as you said uh control of the disease for those who don't have a disease or somebody close struggling in that it also gives you control of life. Yes um and and in in a control sense of allows you to control the things you can control at full acceptance as opposed to focusing your energy on something you can't control um taking your energy your productiveness away um I think I think this has been an amazing talk again um I I think you know uh uh from you know preparing and discussing about death um to help you grow uh as a human um to to even get inside um in the moment when something happens um but even more so even to help prepare uh for a legacy um so that way when something does happen um that you're you're remembered and and the actions are left in a way that you know you would want um and and um there's a whole list of things that we could go into as far as the different ideas um I'm gonna leave some in the description um with some good questions um I know that some of them we uh have done and have actually helped us um in in life for example I I see write a book um you know write a memoir uh be a mentor volunteer um uh uh be a good role model write down family recipes family traditions um you know uh donate to charity um you know all these things that I think we did almost unintentionally just because we were surviving um but things that if if you know we spent more time with now we could really uh uh add to our strength in the present um well you know what how I always like to leave a conversation especially when I'm speaking to groups and stuff is I I talk about you know what where were your names beyond the beams you know the beams are related to Dana Farber when we used to go to the old Dana Farber and we look across the street and they're building the new Dana Farber and what I found is when we went to the new Dana Farber for one of her last visits the first time um she was in a clinical trial I looked up and on the beams there were spray painted names and I said and I was wondering what's the spray painted names on these beams you know in such a beautiful building and then I opened up the doors as I walked down the stairwells and I got the answer.

SPEAKER_03 54:26

And what happened were patients in the old building were holding up their names and the steel workers would spray paint their names onto the beams and then what happened is the building was built over those beams with names thrown throughout the whole building because the building signifies hope the building is so much more than brick and mortar but how I relate that story to people and I say it now is where will your name be?

SPEAKER_01 54:53

What beams will your name be left on where have you made a difference you know as a person I know my names on a bunch of beams you know with my family with my friends with the school district that I taught in because I made difference for kids I know the coaching world I've done that and all those different areas that I've helped make a difference in somebody and what it comes down to a legacy isn't supposed to show arrogance it's supposed to be something you leave for others to be able to be motivated inspired or remember you by and I ask the audience right now really think about where your names would be and what beams would they be on and where have you made a difference it's a it's a beautiful reminder that um we are not self in this that there's a greater uh larger uh you know than just us and it's important to remember that and and something that would help uh you know remind yourself and as you build character to you know better yourself for others um well john again it's been a great talk um I hope we have another one here soon um thanks for being on um again like last time how can people find you um and and get a hold of your book and uh uh connect with you great well I appreciate the opportunity Nick it's always a pleasure to have the conversation and people can find me at johnsardella.com that's where all my information is they can get in touch with me they can order the book uh they can hear other podcasts including this one and uh they could just really find out everything they need to know about who I am and my story and my legacy well I appreciate it we'll make sure we put all that in the description um as well as I'm gonna I'm gonna list out some questions so if you're looking for ways to uh maybe process with others and um you know some some just insight of of um you know a direction to kind of uh open up topic of this um so hopefully it helps everybody um again it it it's been great um thanks thanks for listening thanks Nick I appreciate it thank you for listening to reach out to Nick and the choose your attitude community find us on social media at choose attitude create life share your attitude with the world with merch guaranteed to encourage at chooseyattitude.com be sure to share us with friends family and colleagues and file your efforts leave us an uplifting review we'd very much appreciate it check back for new episodes until next time choose your attitude create your life