Podcast Episode 020: Step Out of the Darkness and Into the Light with Kevin Berthia

Episode Trigger Warning: Suicide.

If you or someone you know needs direct help, please reach out to: 

National Suicide Prevention Hotline
800-273-8255 (TALK)
SuicidePreventionLifeLine.org

---------------------------------------

In 2005, Kevin Berthia was challenged to his core mentally, physically and emotionally.

His entire life buckled into one moment, and thought there was no other choice but to head to the Golden Gate Bridge...and jump. He was desperately looking for someone to ask him what he was doing, someone to listen, acknowledge, anything. Kevin made it all the way to the bridge, walked to the middle, climbed over the railing and just as he made the decision to release, he heard a voice that saved his life. It was Kevin Briggs, a police officer.

Briggs listened to Berthia for 90 minutes. Unwinding and unloading his entire life to the first person who gave him a real moment to speak and share, for the first time in a long time.

Those 90 minutes of shared time and perspective saved Kevin Berthia's life, and changed it for the better. Literally. 

Here's our chat. 

 

Video Resources:
Kevin Berthia Ted Talk
Kevin Berthia - GoalCast Video

Choose Your Attitude Podcast - YouTube Channel
YouTube Link of this Episode

Kevin Berthia
@_grateful
Kevin Berthia Foundation
https://kevinberthiafoundation.org

This podcast is made possible by the support of viewers like you! If you are feeling generous, and love what you are hearing, we encourage you to share, comment, like us. And if you feel encouraged, support us at https://www.patreon.com/ChooseYourAttitudePodcast 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to the Choose Your Attitude Podcast. My name is Nicholas Strand. I am your host, and as always, we are broadcasting on all the audio podcast channels as well as YouTube. You can go find us at podcast.com or the YouTube channel at youtube.chooseyourattitude.com. Please, if you like what you're watching, please make sure you subscribe to us, like us, share us, and as always, please review and share your comments. We love to read them and we love to hear what you guys are saying. I am so excited for today's podcast. Today's episode we have Kevin Berthea. Kevin Berthea, I found on an inspirational video I was watching. It was of a man who was about ready to jump off the Golden Great Bridge. And you would think that that would be a little heavy, which it was. But what's very inspiring about this message is that it shares a lot about the value of listening to others. About listening. Not filling in with help or anything, that the true help is silence. Listening to what people have to say. At the same time, the other thing about understanding and giving somebody true worth is understanding their perspective. That sometimes when someone is challenged with something, that we don't see the full story. We don't see what's triggering them. That their whole life has led them to this. And so it's very important that we learn how to be able to listen, how to be able to understand perspective. And at the same time, what's beautiful about this message too is about learning about acceptance. Acceptance for ourselves. Not ripping ourselves apart when something happens, but embracing it and understanding it and always keeping it on surface so we can better ourselves. And I am just super excited to talk to him because he's taken a whole past and has turned it into such a positive, uplifting future. And uh his message is just extremely strong. Um so strong that we literally talked for an hour and a half. Um, and so I hope you listen and uh are just as inspired as I am and and many others. Um, I do want to say, because we talk about suicide, if you or somebody you know is experiencing that to get help, there is help to handle the situation, and that's by contacting the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. That number is 1-800-273-8255. Again, that number is 800-273-8255, or there is a website, and that's suicidepreventionlifeline.org. They do have chat available, so you can go get help there as well. So that way, if you're unsure about the situation, there's guidance there to be able to help you get that. Since we are gonna be talking about that through there. But lead no more, let's get to everything. But first, we gotta start with our sponsorship. This podcast was brought to you by viewers like you and the continuous support of our sponsors. This episode is brought to you by the Choose Your Attitude brand, a premium encouragement brand. Choose your attitude is community that champions the idea that attitude is a choice within everyone's grasp. A brand isn't good without a logo, and boy, does choose your attitude have a meaning. Turn it on its side, it's an hourglass for time, two hearts for community, and the one on the left is your past, while the one on the right is your future, lifting up your past. And of course, the butterfly effect. Although we can't control the trials and tribulations we go through, we can control how we approach them with the power of choice of our attitude. Choose your attitude is a premium encouragement brand that offers men's and women's apparel and accessories, lots of selections, continually dropping all kinds of different selections for my podcast listeners. 20% off if you go shop. Here's a discount code that's podcast20. Use podcast20, get 20% off your order. That is at shopnow at chooseyourattitude.com. Again, shopnow at chooseyourattitude.com. If you would like to be a sponsor on the Choose Your Attitude Podcast, please email us at podcast at chooseyourattitude.com. Again, that's podcast at chooseyourattitude.com. Okay, let's get into this episode. Let's start that intro.

SPEAKER_00 4:47

Let's step back a little. Take a look inside our true self. Get comfortable in the uncomfortable, and let's embrace our reality. Life is tough, but so are you. Welcome to the Choose Your Attitude Podcast with Nicholas Strand. Join Nick, author of Loving Someone Who's Dying, as he shares his experiences of life lost to life on the road as a traveling roadie. He and his guests will get into real topics while encouraging you to let go of the past, lift up the present, and fiercely build your better tomorrow. Let's get through this together. Now, here's your host, Nick Strand.

SPEAKER_01 5:28

Alright, welcome to the Choose Your Attitude Podcast. Again, my name is Nicholas Strand. I am super excited to have Kevin Berthea on. Kevin, thank you for being on the show today.

SPEAKER_03 5:38

Absolutely, man. Thanks for having me, man. Grateful for the opportunity.

SPEAKER_01 5:42

You know, I'm I'm super excited to have you on. Your story is very inspiring, um, heavy at that, but at the same time very inspiring and motivating. And um I've I was telling friends I was super excited uh to have you on. It felt weird to have you on uh or excited for for that, as as I'm sure you can understand, we'll go deeper into the conversation. But I I want people to hear your side and I want to hear it through your voice. Um, you know, if you could tell everybody a little bit about yourself and and the story, because it's it's impactful.

SPEAKER_03 6:19

Yeah, no problem. Um my root, like I always try to explain to anybody I come in contact that here's my story. My root, we all have a root um that that that derives where our pain pain comes from. And my root is adoption. Um, you know, growing up being being having to understand that I was adopted. My mom told me early in life um that I was adopted. She never wanted to keep anything from me. But in that, it was hard for me to accept the notion of the idea of somebody looked at me and felt like I wasn't good enough. Um, that was tough, especially growing up in a from being born and raised in Oakland, California. You grow up in a predominantly African-American community, and you know your family and friends, um, they look alike. They look similar. You know, the mom looks like the son, the son looks like the dad. I mean, everybody looks alike and just know that um, you know, my family was the same color as me, but but we didn't look alike. You know, I didn't look like my mom, I didn't look like my dad, I didn't look like my two older sisters. Um it's something that I struggle with even to this day. Um, just the identity, just the questions of why. And it was it was a struggle. But in in growing up, it was hard for me um to stay structured and stay balanced because I did have my family. I had a very loving family. And from the ages of five to thirteen, that that life, my life was pretty, pretty simple. I mean, I only really struggled at night. During the day, I had a pretty structured schedule. Um, you know, I went to school during the day, woke up, you know, went to school. After school, I had basketball practice. After basketball practice, I had baseball practice. After baseball practice, I had a night basketball practice, and I had games Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and I had church all day, Sunday. Um, we went on family trips. Um we was very family oriented. Um we sat at the table and they did dinner, you know, we we discussed things, and that that's just how my life was. So I had that balance. I had my grandfather, um, you know, who was my mom's father, and you know, he kept me balanced. That was that was my that was the man that I looked at as as the you know, my connection to my faith and and humanity and God and all these different things. So I had the balance. Um, everything pretty much changed at the age of 13. Um, this is about 1995, I'm entering, going from junior high. I'm going from elementary to junior high. So I always tell people, you have to watch as your kids transition from different schools in different situations. Elementary to junior high is a big shift. We never pay attention to what kids have to go through during that time. Um, I shifted from an elementary, which was in the hills where where I lived, um, where we can run around, play tag. Um, you know, it was, you know, never a sense of violence or anything like that structured. Um, teachers really cared to a junior high where it was the toughest junior high in Oakland, California at the time. Um, you know, watching kids get beat up and on the first day of school and you know, stomped out and things that you never even seen or experienced in your life. Now you're having to experience on top of my parents decided to separate and will later on go in divorce in that same year. So my whole life changed. I went from living in the hills in a balanced life to now, you know, being being I was the youngest and the only boy I wanted to go with my dad. And nobody else, you know, my two older sisters wanted to stay with my mom. And having to deal with the pressures of of them telling me, you know, if you go stay with dad, you're not gonna eat every night. Because my dad was, you know, he wasn't really structured. He didn't really have a structure, and he depended on that structure of my mom. And so living with my going to live with my dad and changing environments, this is where everything pretty much changed for me. And this is where I started I really identifying the things that I struggled with on at night by myself. This now they were presented in my face because it was like a trigger. It was like I didn't have that structure. My dad went from being my my my soccer, my first soccer coach to, you know, you know, an absencee parent. I mean, it was just that it was that was that's how it really was. He struggled, everybody struggled with the divorce in their own different ways, but nobody checked on the young, you know, the youngest, which was me, um, the baby, you know, in a sense, and and the one who was the only one that was adopted. Um when I when my parents divorced was the first time I I felt like I was adopted. Like every day, it was like it was like I I'm adopted. It was just like, yeah, I struggled at night, but no, when my parents divorced, I knew I felt alone in this world. Um, I felt like, you know, and it was a big struggle for me. Um age 14 was my first suicide attempt. Um my uncle left, um, you know, uh just struggled during that time frame. My uncle left uh family van in the in the garage, and you know, something in my head said, go find the keys one day. I was struggling with a lot of different things. I found the keys and I was taking it. I took that van, but I knew exactly where I wanted to drive. I wanted to drive up um, you know, in the hills where I used to live and go drive off the embankment because I remember driving down from when I always used to be with my dad. And I got up there and I drove up and I was that was just that was gonna be it. I was gonna drive over the embankment. I'm a young first-time driver. I didn't really see the guardrail that, you know, protects cars from going up, you know, you don't really pay attention to these things. You think you can just drive off, like you see it on the movies, and I hit the guardrail and it just snapped me out of whatever I was in and then kind of shook me up, and I didn't know what to do. You know, I panicked, so I just drove the car back home and I told my mom, you know, I gotta, you know, in punishment for joyride. Nobody knew that was a suicide attempt. And I kept that, you know. People didn't find out that was a suicide attempt till I started speaking about um, you know, and three years after I started speaking, I came out and said that was my first attempt, you know, because I didn't identify it. I wasn't ready to accept that that was my first attempt. Um, you know, two years later I met my biological mom at the age of 16. So my life is just constantly I'm adding on things without processing things. I'm adding on things, and I'm in a horrible place at this point. Um, you know, once you once you trigger uh an attempt, now you're battling so many other different things now. And you're in being that young, I didn't have the capabilities of processing everything. So I thought that bringing my biological mom into my life and meeting her, she was gonna be the key to this fill this void on the inside of me that was been hurting for so many years. Uh meeting her was just it just triggered everything even 10 times worse because it confirmed everything that I told myself. I mean, when I met my mom, she was um, you know, she wasn't in a position to be a mom. Uh, and I needed her to be a mom because I was hurting from everything else that I was exposed to, you know, because of I felt because of you. Like you gave me up to a family, this is where I'm at. Now I expected her to come in and just fix everything, and that wasn't the case. She was on her own, dealing with her own different things, and psychologically she had a lot going on, and she couldn't process or need to be, she couldn't be anything I needed her to be. And at that time, I hated her for that. I'm old enough now to look back and process certain things and understand certain things, but at the time, I needed her to be a mom, and she couldn't be, and that crushed me even more. Um, a couple about a year later, I met my biological father, and I expected him to come in because my relationship with my adoptive five has had you know was was you know completely gone because my doc my adoptive dad was a compulsive gambler. So our relationship was was messed up because it was it always had to involve gambling. It had to involve if I wanted to spend time with him, it had to be on his terms gambling, horse racing, something that involves gambling. It never was one-on-one doing anything no more ever since a divorce that was over with. So I was expecting my other dad, my biological dad, being I come from him. And when I met my biological dad, this is the first person I actually identify and said, okay, I finally look like somebody. So I expected this relationship to be a certain way. And we, you know, we we immediately clicked, and I felt like a little boy who hasn't seen his dad in so long. And I met him, you know, I'm 16 and a half, you know, I'm 17, I'm almost a man when I meet this man. And but it was like I couldn't shake the kid like feelings of how I felt. Um, he was in my life as quick as he came in, he was out of it. And um on my birthday, September 23rd, 2003, literally, he um got arrested for robbing a bank. And, you know, he's been incarcerated ever since. So it's it's it's a multitude of things. Um, you know, in that time frame, I go, I, you know, kind of go through junior high, get through junior high, go through high school. I I'm I'm just all over the place. I never had any goals or aspirations of living because I never expected to be an adult. So I didn't make plans when you when I was a kid and had things I wanted to be when I grew up and you know, all those different things. Because I didn't, you know, I I don't know what I thought was gonna happen to me, but I was praying every single day to die. So I knew eventually, you know, you know, God would answer my prayer one day I would and I wouldn't get up. So I never made preparations of plans. So I just got through the motions of got through the days, and you know, I I gained popularity um just just off lies, off being off being an angry person. When in junior high, back in the day when I was going to junior high, it was about talking about people. You know, that that's what built built your street credibility for some reason. It's just ironic, man. But it's the honestly, it's just how you can talk about something. Who can if you can do it one, two, three, four, five. If I if I can talk about you, you know, say ten things about you before you can say one thing about me, I won that battle. And now everybody thinks that I'm tough. And it just it was it was good for me because I was in such a hurtful place that I was always quick to boom boom boom because it kept people off me. Because I never wanted anybody to really ask me if I really was okay or really just see how vulnerable or really crushed I was on the inside. I mean, because I was all over the place. I was hurting, I was, I was, you know, crying every single night, and I knew that I if I ever lost a battle, that the people would see the real me, and that's what I was always afraid of. So I knew early in life how to build up a coup how to build up this front man that no matter how I was dealing with anything on the inside, nobody ever saw it. They will always see Jovial Kev, the had it together part, the life of a party, and that's all people knew me as. So I gained popularity on a on a fixed, on a person that doesn't even exist. It was just, it was some, it was a person that I I I poured into because it was easier being this way because I never wanted to identify with being hurtful, with being with being sad, with being, you know, any of these things. And it just it carried on through high school. I got out of high school and it was just like, now what do I do? I can't play all these different sports. You know, I wasn't playing sports, even though I was good enough to probably go to the NBA one day. Not to toot my horn, I was good enough to play Major League Baseball. I played five different sports. I mean, I could have, I was an athlete, but I knew that being great kept people from from looking at you a certain way. So my thing was I'm not being trying to be great to accomplish anything. I'm trying to be great so I can build up this image so nobody ever questions who I am. So it's a completely different, it's completely different for me. You know, you're trying to go to the NFL, I'm just trying to keep myself from you know here so that I can I can figure out how long I gotta go. It's just like, you know, tomorrow I may not be here. So I was just waiting on that day, like, you know, it's just I knew I wasn't gonna be here. I mean, I'm telling you, like, it's just so to graduate high school, you know, it was just like, oh man, I didn't know what I was gonna do. You know, I, you know, so I got lucky enough, I I got um, it was a coach that was that scouted me, a soccer coach, and he offered me uh, you know, to come to the city college of San Francisco. So I went out to City College of San Francisco, um, you know, and it was just a different spin for me because I'd never been to San Francisco. People that's from Oakland, you know, we kind of stay on in Oakland, you know, we kind of stay excited in our community, and that's just it, you know. So I've only been into the city a couple times. So I just looked at it as an opportunity to see something different, you know. I got out there, got into a couple, you know, classes and got on my own, and I kind of saw myself thriving by myself. I still hadn't hadn't handled any issue in my life. I hadn't processed any of these things. I never looked at it as I had a mental health condition, depression. I never knew any of those things. Never heard those things, never, never, so none of those things were in question. I just was, you know, dealing with a couple things and I was just moving on. So I got out to CityCow San Francisco, got on a soccer team, you know, and at that time that soccer team was ranked in a nation. Like we were top 10 in the nation in 2000. So, you know, this is, you know, I'm at an elite level and I'm not even, I'm not, I'm just it's it's it's all, you know, it's not even I'm not even putting it into it. It's just I need to be here because it keeps me mentally, you know, above water. That and that's all it was about. So the worst thing I could have done in that situation when I got out to city is I started thriving, everything flew out good. I met a girl. And, you know, from that I formed a relationship. And the worst thing, that's why I say, young people, you gotta get your life together before you get in a relationship with somebody else who doesn't have their life together. Because that is like uh it's just it's catastrophe. That's that's the Titanic in everybody's life, and we don't see it. Like I was never in a situation, look at all the things I have going on. Did I sound like I was prepared to be in a relationship? I mean, absolutely not, but here I am young, that's what you do. You know, you get in a relationship, and we just fall. We just, we just we clashed, so many different things happened, trying to merge two different individuals from two different backgrounds, and it just in these arguments, things start triggering in me. And it's just I could see myself getting worse and worse and worse, and I'm not even identifying this. And then I remember, you know, I was we were together about a year or two, a year, about a year and a half, and it was just arguing, arguing, arguing, you know. It was just, I don't even know what we are back then, looking back, no mortgage, no kids. Like, what do we have? What what was the problem? But it's just that's just what it is when you have two people that just have two, she had her own issues, I have my own issues, and we reach each other's triggers. And it just on one particular day, I remember being in my mom's house, and and you know, we had just got, you know, I had convinced my mom to have her come over, you know, because my mom at the time was like, you know, you're not married, you're not bringing any new women over, all these different things. I was staying with my mom, I was going through different things, and she had came over and we got into these big arguments. At the time, it's just my older sister at the house. And something clicked that day, and I couldn't, I couldn't control myself. It was just like I was so overwhelmed from dealing with my biological mom, dealing with my biological dad, dealing with my adoptive dad, dealing with my dealing with my mom, dealing with all these different emotions, dealing with her, dealing with trying to figure out my own life, dealing with my own feelings of how I feel about being adopted. It was just so many things, and it just on that particular day on the way out, I just was storming out the house. And as I'm walking out, the biggest knife in the house just happened to be on the table. I don't know. I picked it up and I ran out, and my sister never seen me like this because she only knows me as Jovial. She seen me cry a couple times, but never to this magnitude. She didn't know what to do. So she called the Oakland Police Department. They come out, um, they find me on my stairs, you know, you know, which is which is on the side lead on the side of my house. And I got this knife to my neck. And for some reason, for me, I'm in control, man. And and I don't, it may not be a control what people understand, but for the first time in my life, I dictate what's gonna happen in the next couple seconds. And I needed that. I've never been in control of situations. Everything in my life has been taken from me. Everything in my life that no matter how much I loved it, has been taken from me, has been has been able to been saying no this way, and and and I control what was going on. And it was like a powerful moment. It's like a I felt like like like the most powerful man on the planet as I held that knife to my neck and I couldn't let it go. And you know, you go on for about 15, 20 minutes, you know, with the local authorities, and you know, they got tired of me not taking his knife to them, so they tased it. So, and I always tell people no lie, never be you never want to be tased in your life. That is the worst feeling, you know. I still have the mark on my chest. And I dropped that knife. And the next thing I came to, like when I really came to in my brain, I was, you know, had one arm handcuffed, you know, to a to a hospital bed. And I'm trying to figure out where I was at. I was literally at, you know, a psychiatric hospital. I didn't even know these things, these places existed. All I keep hearing is hard as loud noise, people yelling. And, you know, for me, two days ago, I just left a party where one of my friends' birthday, he put my face on his flyer just so everybody would come. Like that, you know, so for two days ago, I was just a life of the party. How am I in this situation where I'm at now? It doesn't make any sense. And I'm like, I it won't click in my brain because I didn't, you know, I never knew these places existed. Like, I don't know where I'm at. I just know I'm not in jail. I know it's people yelling, and it's just, you know, in my brain, I'm thinking, these people is crazy. Not knowing where I'm at, not knowing what I'm dealing with, not knowing that the things that I'm identifying that these people are struggling with. Kevin, you're struggling with the same things. You just are are are struggling have your different coping mechanisms how you're dealing with, but you're at the same place for a reason. But I didn't identify that at 19 when I was there. Because in that time frame, I never heard any of these things that when these doctors were coming in and nurses were telling me, and they're telling me about 5150, the number, you know, and and and we got a hold on you, and you can't go anywhere, and and and depression and suicide attempt. I'm 19 years old. I've never heard these words in my life. I've been to every assembly. I, you know, growing up in junior high, high school, they never talked about suicide attempt. They never talked about mental health. I never so at 19 is the first time you want to tell me that I have something that now I believe I'm the only person in the world has it because I've never heard of it. I already feel alone because I'm adopted. I already feel I'm going through so many different things. So, you know, I'm just like, well, whatever I need to do to get out of this hospital, that's what I'm gonna do. And that's what I did, you know, just to get out. I went home, I denied everything happened. Um, my mom was struggling, my adoptive mom was struggling, you know, because I, you know, because of the whole life incident. I told her, mom, I just had a bad day. Like, nobody, everybody relaxed, but she couldn't deal with it. I went to end up going to outpatient at Kaiser for her. Um, in that outpatient, they put me in a group therapy. I don't know how they thought I was comfortable. They never asked me, have you ever talked about your problems before? They thought I was gonna be comfortable never talking about my problems, and then slamming me into a group therapy where everybody's talking about their problems, not knowing that I'm probably one of the most empathetic people on the planet, and all these people's problems are triggering all these different things in me. I'm hearing all these different things, these hurtful stories, and it's just I can't handle it, man. And then they put me in these one-on-one sessions with a with a therapist who never really connected with me, told me that I should be over being adopted. How can I be over something, sir, that I've never I've never dealt with, you know, so I went away from that. Over the next time frame, I'll go through six different therapists who prescribe me six different medications, and I'm done with therapy. I went like I went from having the one suicide attempt at 14, the second suicide attempt at, you know, you know, they say it's a that that's an attempt at 19. Just in in a in a like an 11-month time frame, I I I'm up to, you know, I do a seven different attempts in that seven-month time frame. In that in that in that, you know, 11-month time frame because you know, for it's I'm overwhelmed. I'm dealing with so many different things. I can't get, I can't, I can't figure it out. And I just want to die. Like, like I just I don't want to be here. Like I'm trying to figure it out. I I looked up, you know, thing how to cut myself. I'm I'm looking up or how much alcohol I need to drink to to to to you know get get alcohol poisoning, you know, uh food poison, anything that I can, you know, uh, you know, pills, all these different different things that I'm doing, you know. Uh um uh I got into a uh I fake like I got into a uh fell asleep at the wheel, got into a massive car accident, and I was trying to die. So I crashed into the cars, totaled out six different cars, you know, like and and nobody knew that was an attempt. I walked away from that event from that from that crash, and nobody knew that that was an attempt. They thought that I fell asleep at the wheel because I said I fell asleep because I didn't want to deal with that. But I was trying to die. I took my seatbelt off and literally like smacked into, you know, at 65 miles an hour, smacked into some parked cars because I was trying to die and live from that and walked away from the scene and never went to the hospital for that. Like that's the type of miracle I like like had that the type of things that have happened to me that's even before the bridge. This is before the bridge. People look at the bridge and they they they they they don't realize my life, like it took a lot. That's what led me to the bridge. It's not like I didn't get up one day and just and just oh, I'm gonna drive myself to the Golden Gate Bridge. No, I was tired. You know, you add you add, you know, my my you know, after after dealing with another failed relationship, I get into another relationship and we end up having a baby after all this. And and I'm never prepared for fatherhood, man. Nobody tells you, you know, you need to prepare for how the emotions that come with being a father. Then she was premature. Another weight of emotion because I blame myself for everything. Like that's just who I am. Being adopted, when things go wrong in my life, it's my fault. Like I'm the reason. I'm the reason my parents got divorced. I'm the reason this happened. I'm the reason that that this relationship didn't work. I'm the reason this this it's me. It's all falls on me. So when this baby comes early, I'm the reason she came early. Like, you know, I'm the reason she's struggling in a glass incubator with all these tubes on her, like, you know, fighting for her life and having to go through these hernia surgeries. I'm that reason. And that was one of the hardest struggles for me, even to this day, that it's something I'm still trying to find a way to heal from. And she's 17 years old. It's it's those type of things because I haven't processed, because I haven't dealt with them, because I'm learning to deal with them, these are things that led me to the go-to-air bridge. Not not just getting up one day and thinking that it would be cool to get the attention. It was me trying to find a foolproof plan that was gonna work on March 11, 2005, because I was done, you know, after losing my job, after finding out I might have to pay a quarter of a million dollar hospital bill for my daughter being in bed in the you know, in in the hospital being premature. You know, I didn't know that insurance covers this much. I'm young, man. I called around, they told me I had to play this much. I'd be I'd be in, I had to please play 66% of it, or or I'm still doing the numbers, like I can't come up. There's no way. Like, I just lost my job. Like, you know, it was so many different things going on with me. And on March 11, 2005, when I woke up, I was like, all right, this is this this is it. I gotta come up with a foolproof plan. I didn't even know where the Golden Gate Bridge was. I didn't even know it was iconic for suicide attempts. That day I thought I was the first person that was gonna that that for some reason I thought it was I was gonna be the first person that was going to this bridge and jumping off of it. That's the truth. Like, I and that's why my story, I can I can't understand it some days for myself because most people already have an epiphany about the bridge. They Googled it, they they wrote it down, it they had a dream about it, they talk about it. I've I've talked to the thousands of people that have even either encountered somebody that's went or have gone themselves, and nobody just says it just on the day they thought about the bridge. No, I didn't even know this place existed. So we didn't have like I didn't have like a you know the on my phone where I can look it up. You know, I had to old-fashioned ask for directions to this place. Did I know, you know, that it was that it was a place that it that that thousands of people before me have gone? No, absolutely not. I knew nothing about it. Why did I pick the Golden Gate Bridge? I had no idea. I don't know. I still don't know. You know, I still have no idea. You know, you know, you have to take that up with the man upstairs. That has nothing to do with me, you know? And that's the that's where I picked that day. That's where I was on my way to. When I was at banking on when I asked for directions, you know, they would look at me and feel like I would already should know where the Golden Gate Bridge was and asked me why I was going. Because I was already ready to talk. So much of me was already ready to talk about why I wanted to go. I was I was just flooded with just, I was ready. I was I was I was ready in that moment to just talk. But when I asked the toeseker, she didn't even give me the opportunity, she didn't even ask, she didn't even look at me. She just gave me directions to put me on my way, and I knew she knew I got on my way. So then I got out there and I got lost trying to find, you know, the bridge. All I'm trying to do, I now I feel like a clean failure because all I'm trying to do is get to the bridge and jump off of it. I can't even find it. So it's just, you know, it's just ironic. It's just, man, I'm going through all these different things, and it's just finally I find it. Takes me an hour to find it. I get out there, and it's just a magically a park right in front. And if anybody knows Golden Gate Bridge is never a park where I parked right in front on the North Tower. But magically that day it was a park right there. It was a park. Like it was destined for me. And I got out, you know, the car, I left the keys initially, I grabbed my prepaid phone and I got out there and I now really wasn't so much looking for a reason to talk. I wasn't, I wasn't, I didn't want to talk anymore. When I got out there on the bridge, it was done. I didn't want to talk. I was more so looking for a reason not to jump. And I walked for about 15 minutes and I couldn't, I couldn't find a reason and made a, you know, one phone call which didn't didn't really, you know, go the way I wanted to go. And I looked over the railing. I remember looking over the railing. And when I looked over the railing, I saw the water. I saw nothing that was gonna deter me. I saw nothing that was gonna stop me. But when I looked over that water for the first time in my life, I saw peace. Like, you know, I saw my peace. I saw, I saw, Kevin, you don't have to wake up being a lie anymore. Like, you can just, you don't, you you you you don't have to wake up wanting to die. You don't have to be a burden, you know, you don't you don't have to be all these different things. You don't have to wake up hating yourself, you don't have to wake up battling yourself, like you don't have to wake up feeling like a failure, you don't have to wake up feeling like why does she give you what like all these different things. I looked in that water and I saw I saw my peace. And I stood a couple steps back, put my phone down, and I started going towards the railing. And I remember jumping over, getting getting I remember literally being in the air, and that's when I heard a voice. And it wasn't like a voice of, hey, what are you doing? Because I wouldn't have stopped for a hey, what are you doing type of voice? It was a more of a, hey, what's going on? Like, like, like they cared, and it was enough to distract me. I'm, you know, honest. You know, it was enough to distract me. And I literally, I'm an athletic guy. You know, I was I've been dunking the basketball since I was in the ninth grade. Like, you know, that's just who I am. Like, you know, and I'm only, I stand only five, eight, five, nine. That's just who I am. Like, I've always been athletic. I literally jumped over the railing. I'm airborne in the railing, and I jump and I grabbed the railing with my left arm because my left arm is, you know, long. Like I have a six foot five man's reach with my left arm. That's just how it is. And I grabbed the railing and I turn myself around on this core, but now I'm I'm frustrated and angry because I didn't come here to be, you know, I'm first of all, I'm afraid of heights, and I'm I'm I hate being cold. This is San Francisco in March. I'm 220 feet in the air and it's 40 something degrees. So now I put myself in the worst possible position I can ever possibly put myself in in life. And this voice is still trying to get my attention, and I'm yelling at him. Like literally yelling at him. I'm not holding on, you know. I'm telling him, stay back. You come a little closer, I'm nudging back and I'm out. Like that. This is literally what I'm telling him. Stay back, or else, like I'm yelling at him because I am furiated at myself. Because I was supposed to be in that water. I wasn't supposed to be on this ledge. So now I'm I'm just we go back and forth for about 15 minutes, literally, and I'm yelling, you know, and finally something on the inside of me just said, Why do you care? Just like that. Like, cause he it's just like he wasn't going away. It wasn't like he was like making me feel like I was stupid, like I was already making myself feel like I knew where I was, I know the situation I was in. Like I knew I was standing on a ledge. I knew I had traffic at a standstill. I knew I had a helicopter. I knew I felt all these things. I felt how stupid I looked. And he never made me feel like that. It was just like, you know, his voice was just, it was just like, it was like, it was so penetrating, it was so calm. It was just like, all right, man, why do you care? Like, and it was just enough, and he got closer, and I just started talking, man. Like, I just started talking. And I started at the age of five, and I woke myself, I worked myself all the way up to the age of where I was at, 22. I he learned about 17 years, and he never interrupted me. And literally, I don't know how I stayed on that ledge, I don't know how I stayed in that position I was in. But somehow, some kind of way, for 96 minutes, I stayed in that position. Like, man, like I've been back to the bridge, man, since that day, and I don't know how this is even mathematically possible, even for myself. Like, you know, but he just literally listened. I talked about everything, everything I wanted to tell my adoptive dad, everything I wanted to tell my adoptive dad, mom, my biological mom, my biological dad, everything I want to tell every single coach, teacher, family member, cousin, preacher, teacher, everybody that was ever connected to me that I ever just wanted to just tell how I really felt. I just spilled my whole heart to it to a stranger. I kept my head down the whole time. I never knew he was a cop. I never knew he was white. I never knew anything about him because my head stayed down because I was petrified. I was I was I was so afraid of the situation I was in. So I just I just kept my eyes closed and I just spilled my heart. I never knew anything about this man. Never. Never this conversation. If I knew he was white and a cop, the conversation would have been different. I'm a black man from Oakland, California. My idea of law enforcement at the time is horrible because of my encounters that I faced. So because I kept my eyes closed, I never knew exactly who I was speaking to. For all my old notion, he was a stranger that happened to walk by and cared enough. I never knew he was a first responder. Never in my mildest imaginations. But after I got everything out, I realized, you know, he made me realize that I needed to be there for my daughter. Um it was a different emotion when I talked about her. And and she made me realize that her birthday was coming up. Her first birthday was April 6th. I went to the bridge March 11th. It's like, Kevin, you gotta be here for her first birthday. And just hearing that, because he listened, he was able to identify, like just hearing that part, just like, man, her first birthday is just like, you know, after getting all that stuff out, all those weights out from all that things that I wanted to say, I was able to just, you know, put my hands up, and I couldn't, I couldn't even lift myself up. And I just remember, you know, I remember them lifting me up, and I remember them, you know, putting my t-shirt over my face because, you know, I didn't, you know, it was people taking pictures and things like that. And then the next thing I knew, I was at San Francisco General. And the next thing after that, I was taken to, you know, a medical center, you know, in in Fremont. And I stayed there for about 16 days, and I had to just get back in the fame of eating and sleeping again because, you know, months before that, I stopped eating and sleeping. I was preparing to die. Like, I prepared my body to die. I I was I I stopped eating and stopped sleeping. I stopped doing everything that was important to me. I stopped being around my family, I stopped being around my daughter. Like, you know, and I was, you know, that's just where I was at. So I had to get back into the framework. I I literally got out of that hospital, got home, my mom showed me that um that a picture of me, that photo was front page in the San Francisco Chronicle March 12th, Saturday newspaper. Now I've played sports my whole life. We all want to be front page one day. Not like this. Like, not like this, man. Like this was it was, I didn't believe it. Because now, even though that picture was from the back and the picture on the inside and the article covered up my face. Anybody that knew me knew that that was me. And I couldn't, my cover was blown. I didn't know who I was gonna go back to because I spent seconds, years, minutes, I spent my whole life pouring into a into an individual, making everybody make it look like he had it all together. And all I kept saying is to myself is who goes to the bridge? Who jumps off the bridge, Kevin? I never could get over that. And I never could accept it, so I didn't. I didn't go to therapy after I went to the bridge. You would think somebody needs to go to outpatient, they need to be on medication. I didn't. I lied about it for eight years. In that eight years, I had probably another 10 attempts. You know, my grandfather died. My closest link of God, of what I the idea of humanity, the idea of everything died in 2007, two years after I went to the bridge. Like that was the turning point of of all everything for me. Because I didn't have anybody left in my life anymore. You know? Tough, man. Tough. And I just, you know, I tried my hardest to just work things out. I try I've been trying on my own for so long, and that's the problem. I've been trying to do it on my own. 2013 came around. Uh I went through my own divorce in 2011. That crushed me. You know, going through a divorce is, you know, that's probably the hardest thing people have to understand you have to go through. To be adopted, to watch your parents divorce, and then to go through your own divorce. Like, people don't get, like, my life has been the bridge. Like, you know, and I've I've tried to always just rise above and rise above, but I've never, until I accepted who I was, I never was gonna rise above it. 2013 came around and I was up to 22 failed suicide attempts, man. My New Year's resolution for 2013. I knew I wasn't gonna be alive no more. I was in a bad relation. I was in, you know, with with the mother of my kids, you know, lying about who I was still to the world. Lying that I'm struggling and I've been in this dark place for so many years that I can't even, I I don't even know, I don't know what light is at this point. And that's why I understand the dark place so well because I lived there for so long. And 2013 came around, and um, I just is like, let me just stay alive for my for my mom's birthday. My mom's birthday is February 15th, and I just said, let me be alive, let me just be around for her birthday. And I took her, you know, we took one out and I and I took her. She didn't even know I was saying goodbye, man. You know. Um, that's when she got a letter from the Americas Foundation for Suicide Prevention. And they in that letter, officer, she wrote a letter to Officer Briggs eight, you know, eight years ago in 2005, thanking him for saving my life. And he held on to that letter. And they have a lifesaver's um, you know, dinner every year in New York, you know, fancy little dinner or whatever, and you know, people come together and they honor somebody for being a lifesaver. Well, in 2013, Briggs was up, and he, you know, they I guess they were looking for somebody to interview or, you know, present though his award. And, you know, it's hard to find somebody he saved, or, you know, so they were looking for a penny. He thought about my mom because he had that letter.

SPEAKER_02 41:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 41:26

Hard to imagine he held on to that letter for that many years, but he did. And I don't know who this man is. I I've only dealt with this picture twice. My mom showed me when I got out the hospital, and then my ex used it against me in court in a custody battle. And that's the only time I ever dealt with that picture. So I still didn't know that this man was a cop. I knew nothing about him. Still didn't know anything, and still didn't accept that it was me that went to the bridge. So um, you know, he got he they reached out to my mom. My mom, you know, she can't fly. She's had, you know, had, you know, had had had a stroke, they've been dealing with different things. So she kind of convinced me, everybody that knows me knows I don't ask any questions. When somebody asks wants me to do something, I just do it. That's just me. Like, I don't, I don't, I I just that's been me my whole life. Like, like, I don't you asked me to do this podcast. I didn't ask any questions. I because I just want, let's just do it. Like, you know, that's just me. So she just was like, you know, let you know, she kind of convinced me to go to New York. She didn't really say what it's about. She just kind of, I mean, you know, and I was in a situation, I didn't really, you know, how you know, why am I turning down New York? I've never been there before. You know, she made it out to be like a radio station thing or whatever. I don't know. She just told me whatever. I didn't, it didn't take much. It was New York, a free trip. Like, okay, get on a, I get on a flight, you know, I get out there, and you know, um, and I'm with the mother of my kids at the time, you know, go figure, you know, one of my biggest triggers, you know, and she's there with me, and you know, it was for the first time, you know. I remember it was it was a message waiting for me, and I remember it was from the radio station. And I'm thinking, hey, I gotta tell them, like, okay, I'm not my mom. This is what happened, she had me come. But they say, you know, they get on the phone and they're super, they're so excited to talk to me. I've never had anybody this excited to talk to me in my life, and I don't even know why. They're like, hey man, we're so excited to talk to you, and they have all this energy, and they was like, we want to talk about your eight-year reunion with your first responder. And I'm like, what? What are you talking about? And I was like, you know, uh, let me call you right back. Let me change a couple things, let me call you right back. I called my mom, she said, yeah, you're there. I call my mom, she said, yeah, you're there, you're gonna meet um the man in the photo, your your first responder. I'm like, mom, like a little more information would have been clean. I'm in New York now. What can I do? So I gotta call the radio station back that called him back, and they literally asked me about everything that happened, like we're talking like now, they asked me about what led. To me, led up to March 11, 2005. They had no idea that this is the first time that I'm talking about it in my life. Like it's the first time. And it's like no dead airplay. Like our dead airtime. Whatever they said, they were so excited. They were like, man, you didn't have no dead airtime. It was just, you just flowed. And it was just like, I didn't know that I was preparing me because I knew I was, I now I knew that I was there. Now I knew I kind of got anxiety because I knew I was meeting the guy, you know? And it was like, you know, it was like I knew he kind of saved my life. So I didn't know what kind of guy he was. If he was gonna be wanting me to be like, you know, I don't know, bow at him. I don't know, man. I just don't know my people are, man. You know, just you just never know. But I met him at the Columbus Circle and I remember getting over there, and I remember as soon as I met him, as soon as I got around him and I shook his hand, I knew exactly who I knew, I knew how and why he saved me. I knew it had to be him. He's the only, he's probably the only person in the world that could have, could have, could have done what he did. And I and I and I it's just him. We have a connection. And I and that's just what it is. It was just like two high school buddies that haven't seen each other a long time. This is the first time I'm meeting this man for the first time in eight years. He saw me at my my my worst moment. That was our that was how we met. Now this is our now he's seeing me, you know, and I'm like, he has no idea that psychologically, I've already, I'm still contemplating dying. Like, up until this point. And here I am shaking his hand, and it just completely changed, it took me back to that day, like, wow, you really helped me that day, and it really made me think about certain things. I had no idea what was to come next. So we get into the to the to the to the venue, and it's this nice venues all decked out, everybody got all these nice suits and ties, and uh, it's you know, it's important people in here, doctors, lawyers, a lot of important individuals in here. And and you know, he Briggs gets on stage and a Yahoo doctor meeting and gets up, and it's this big old jumbo screen. And I remember I'm looking at the crowd, I'm faced this way, and the crowd goes like that, they gas. So, of course, I'm like, I don't know what they're looking at. So I turned around and look at it. It's me. It's the photo of me on the bridge. Third time I see it, right? Third time I see it, third time a charm. As immediately as I looked at it, I accepted that it was me in the photo on the inside. On the inside, I said that's me. I got up on that stage and I talked openly for the first time about everything in front of a crowd, you know, 300, 400 people, man. I never talked about anything serious in my life in front of people. And here I am talking about my story in front of this crowd, and I remember when I came down, I just I felt different. And I remember it was kind of a line starting to form, and when there's a it was a lady in line, it was a it was she was in line at my table, and and I remember she she stood there and I could tell she was crying, and that just it had me kind of you know crying on the inside. Oh man, come on, lady. I don't this is the first time, this is the first mother. I didn't even know that this is this was about to happen. She's the first mother. This is the first time I opened up in my life and was vulnerable. This is the first mother I've I've I've talked to probably thousands mothers who lost a son. But this is the first one, had no idea. She said, look at me, because I couldn't look at her because she was just, I knew I was just sad, like it was just so much for me. But she said, look at me. She said, Um, my son Jacob lost his battle five years ago. She said, I haven't slept in five years, but tonight I'm gonna sleep because now I can better understand what Jacob was going through. Thank you for telling your story, you just helped me. And when she said that, two things happened. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel alone, but two, I knew that it was so much bigger than me. It was. And I knew I had to make a change. That was New York Kevin. I already said that was New York Kevin. New York Kevin was the Kevin I always wanted to be. He was compassionate, he was caring, he was vulnerable. He didn't, he didn't mind crying, he didn't mind showing emotion because he knew that's what tapped him into humanity. It wasn't, he he wasn't, he wasn't trying to be tough. He wasn't trying to be something that he wasn't trying to be. And these people loved me for that person, and I got back to California and I didn't have to make a decision. I said, okay, Kevin, who do you want to be? Because these people respected you for being who you always wanted to be, who your grandfather would have been proud of. Now you gotta make a decision. And and I made a decision. It took me a while, but I knew I had to make some changes. I was still in that relationship, I was still around friends that I shouldn't have been around, I still was in an environment, I still was around so many different things, and that's why I tell people if you want to change things in your life, you gotta you gotta really, really make some sacrifices. And on May 21st, 2013, which is coming up, that my anniversary of that day is coming up. May 21st, 2013 was the first day I woke up and I didn't want to die. And I told myself, whatever I did, I'm never gonna stop this feeling. I woke up and I heard the song Grateful, and something changed about me. And I never, I wanted, I wanted to give back to I wanted to, I wanted to show the world who I really was. I wanted to give back to humanity. Like I wanted the people to know that I care about you. I don't care what you look like, I don't care, I don't care what you're going through, I don't care what you've done, I care about you. Like, man, I care about you so much. There's somebody out there that's struggling, man, and I just I need them to know that I care, man. And that's just all my messages being um I've been able to travel around this country, man, and and be blessed, man. I've been I've been to uh you know 36 different states, man. I've been out the country, I've been to South Korea, I've been to Alaska, and it's just telling my story, man. I don't go I don't I don't get on that stage and show people statistics and and and and I just tell them my story and then and I and because I know that when I get off that stage, I'm there for somebody who needs to talk to me. And I I just I I I travel around and I'm on Facebook groups and I and I just travel and I try to do as much as I can for humanity. I try I lied so many years for who I am, and I just think about how many people I lost in that time frame, and I just gotta give back. I gotta give everything I can, and that's just where I'm at now. Um sorry, man, that's my story, man. I apologize. I went on great day.

SPEAKER_01 50:39

It's beautiful. Um, you know, I I you first one where you actually got me tearing up um uh on the podcast. Sorry about that, man. No, don't be sorry. It's real, and you know, you you make a huge point that I've you know I I I've seen as well. Um, and that's that's being real to your emotion, that's being real to your heart, that's um, you know, sharing that, you know. Some of the notes I wrote down was, you know, the idea that, you know, especially with men, you know, we're challenged to uh you know hide that that pain. Um and and it's it's tough. Um the story was uh great.

SPEAKER_03 51:19

You know, it's like I just you know it's different, man. It's different now because I don't get the opportunity like I want to share it because of the pandemic. So the emotion, I mean it's different when I was boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I'm able to like, okay, but now it's just like, oh man, and I see where people are at, and it just it makes my heart, it makes my heart a certain way now because I know that it's so many people out there whose whose lives have changed, including mine. Like I, you know, I don't get the opportunity to go speak and and be to the masses, you know. I I just was coming up on, you know, being able to talk to 5,000 people at a time and things like that. Like, you know, where I can really get make an imprint and just feel like I'm making an imprint. Now it's just like the one or two or the three or the four or the five, those I don't take it for granted, but it's like to you want to be making a bigger impact when you know you have you have it in you, you you have the tools. I've never met a person that was in a dark place that I haven't been able to show them their light. Not a light, I haven't been able to show them their light. See, it's a difference. We all have the light. Like, like, like you can't, like it's in it's embedded in us. It doesn't change, it doesn't stop, it doesn't, it it it it it it and to be honest, we die with it. No matter how we die, we die with that light. Like, and that light is to light the world. Like, we are the light of the world, like it's it's in us, and I teach and I challenge anybody, like, you know, that's why like I'm I don't want to be big for Kevin Berthea. I want to be big for Kevin Berthea's message. Like, you know, I don't want a million followers because I want I want people to think I'm so cool. I want a million followers because I want a million people to know that they're they're valuable. I want a million people that don't think they're valuable, a million people that are in a dark place to know how valuable they are, and that that dark place is preparing them for the light that they there are that they're about to face. Like that's just that's just who I am. But you know, you give me the opportunity, and you know, I'm gonna take it, you know, and I'm I'm grateful for you because you make this work. I was still skeptical. I was like, I don't want to tell no one, but you made it work, man. So I appreciate you, man.

SPEAKER_01 53:27

For sure. I would you say, and and I think you kind of did, you know, that struggle all the way up until you actually you you you found the light within you to be able to share and not be afraid to share it. Do you feel like that was the transition for you that actually you know brought it up? Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 53:51

Absolutely. I share my dark. We that's what that see, we all have you have to share your dark. We keep our dark inside. Why? What is it, what is it gonna do? Like, like, like, we sh sharing my dark gives me my light.

SPEAKER_01 54:05

I call it embrace your reality.

SPEAKER_03 54:07

You have to. Whatever you've done, I don't care what you've done, I don't care. I it it don't it don't matter because if you were in the if you were in the right mind, you wouldn't have done it. See, you're so hard on yourself. We get so critical of people not realizing if they were in their right mind, none of us would be. We all got a little because we all have done something a little different or something that we could be questioned because we all have that moment where we step out and be like, man, okay, all right. But some of us can't be pulled back, some of us go too far, some of us, so why can't you judge somebody who who who you've done the same things, but they wouldn't able to pull this from the same road? Like, that's not fair. Like, I'm very critical of that. Like, I'm I'm I'm I walk by I drive by homeless people, I walk and I and I know I've made worse mistakes than them. Yeah, that's what keeps me humble.

SPEAKER_01 55:00

Understanding perspective of the story before one judges. Yeah, um, I I've used the idea too of it's it's not the what, it's the why. So, you know that's my ministry, man.

SPEAKER_03 55:12

You don't understand you just tapped into my ministry, man. I I I've already launched the why ministry, man. Because we don't we don't we don't concentrate on the why. We don't man goes crazy, kills 19 people. It's the what we focus on, but we don't focus on the why. We don't dissect the the six months leading up to that, and we don't we miss it. Every everything we see in humanity, everything we see is a mental health crisis, but we don't look at it as that. Because if they were in a right mental mind, they wouldn't do that. But we won't look at it like that. We're critical and we do the we do the what, we do we don't do the why, we do the oh no, don't this and that, we go over and look every single thing instead of looking at every single situation is a mental health issue. We won't. And until we get there, that's when we get the real change.

SPEAKER_01 56:09

I think in addition to that, uh even to the fact of when we do get to that, of making sure we don't blame them for being there, it's you know, it it for instance, like your past is not your fault. Your past is part of what you had to go through, and it was a struggle that you uh you uh had to get through, and that's not fair to put that on you to judge you for that, but to understand that light that you have and and you know, as you said be more thankful as as a society and not suppress some of these what we see as hardship, uh but really embrace them and celebrate them for you know the reality that they're in and and they're facing.

SPEAKER_03 56:57

I just I it's different, you know, for me, because I understand accountability, yeah, but a lot of people don't understand that people are have no idea what they're up against. People don't understand how real this dark place is. People don't really understand the the how the world is designed and how things h like how how how it's happened and and and you know depression, suicide has touched every place in the world.

SPEAKER_01 57:25

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 57:26

Name something else that has. Like that's what people we don't, we we won't get, we won't, we won't tear away and really, really look at it for what it is. We won't. We go around it because we don't want to talk about it, because it scares us, because we don't understand it, because it's easier, because it doesn't affect us, knowing that it does. We're affected. Everybody's affected by depression because everybody, everybody in the world is dealing with something. We all mask it differently.

SPEAKER_01 57:53

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 57:53

And I keep saying I keep saying everybody in the world is struggling with something. It doesn't matter how much money you have. We've seen the richest, you know, the two richest men in the world both getting divorced.

SPEAKER_02 58:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 58:07

So I I I you know I beg, I keep telling people, you know, it's that's just how the reality of life is. You have to realize that that everybody has a great way of masking what they're dealing with. You know, Instagram is not really a reality of what really of what people are really, really dealing with. You can be anybody you want to be, but who are you really? Who are you when you take the mask off? You know, who are you when you take the uniform off? Who are you when you're not, you know, behind closed doors when you're by yourself? That's who you are.

SPEAKER_01 58:39

The the wall that people put up to hide that is usually what is the creation of conflict when you're able to actually sit there and embrace that light, you're able to present yourself as the true you, and so there's really no, you know it it it's clear you're you're able to share that, and I think that's important.

SPEAKER_03 59:02

I've lied too long, I've lied for so many years about who I am that people don't even know who I am. And I can't, I can't that that's hurt me because it's like you you think that I am this way and I'm not even that way. Like, like, like, like, there's no, it's people that that would think if they had really asked me questions, they would have no idea. And you'd be like, no, that's I know, I know Kev, I know, and don't even understand. Like, like, Kev has no, I don't have no, nothing in this world moves me. Like, like the greatest place in the world for me is just in the presence of God. Like, I've always felt that way. And part of my depression has been that. Once I felt that presence when I got when I was so heavily in the church, and then when my parents divorced and I got away from the church, I got away from the presence. And my life trying to get back on case with that, that has been a roller coaster episode in itself. So it's just so many different things. Now I have to like, you know when you build so many habits, when you when you create a certain person, that certain person has bad habits. And we we try to be something that we are, and we we we we start doing all these different things that are not us, and then that creates its own depression. Yep, it's like it's more, it's so easier being accepting who you are and accepting exactly what you're gonna go through and process it right then and there. If I'm if right when I deal with my emotions right then and there, I tell and I tell people right then I'm gonna cry right now and I'm fine with it. Yep. I'm not about to wait until later because I don't want to have people see me. No, man. I'm I'm upset right now. I'm processing why I'm upset, but I'm upset right now. Please, I'm mad right now. Like I'm pro I'm dealing with my emotion right when it happened, man. I'm not waiting until later and trying to because something else is gonna happen, and then I'm gonna forget, and then something else is gonna happen, and I'm gonna forget, and then you know what's gonna happen. I'm gonna carry Monday's issues into Tuesday, and Tuesday's got his own issues, and then I'm still gonna get over Tuesday's issues, dealing with halfway Monday's issues, and here come Wednesday. Wednesday got a whole nother set of issues, then I'm trying to still get over Monday. I haven't even got caught up with Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday, and Saturday got their own issues. Imagine doing that for 50 years of your life. And we wonder why people are the way they are. They haven't realized that their baggage is just caught up with them. Come on, let's just be real. You gotta learn how to process however people made you feel. If that person up you made you upset, just deal with it. Stop making yourself believe, oh, I shouldn't be tripping. No, you tripping. So just trip and just process tripping. Like, okay, I'm tripping, but really, why am I tripping? Let me let me look at that and say, okay, like a lot of stuff has to do with my route. Like, when my wife does things, I have to look at it and compare it to my route. Like, am I really tripping off her not calling, or am I really focused more on my route that I have abandonment issues? You see what I'm saying? It's a big difference that I can focus on, oh, she missed one call, or I can focus on Kevin. You need to really get this abandonment issues together so you don't really feel vulnerable when she doesn't call. Because that's your wife, she knows she loves you. You see what I'm saying? But we don't process that way, man.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:21

Alright, man. No, you're no, I love it. It's I I mean, you're you've got me speechless because it it's it's so true. Um, these are a lot of the things that you know I I haven't had uh the extreme, you know, suicidal thoughts. Um I have this last year was a struggle, nothing compared to you know what you've gone through.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:44

Uh yeah, but see, no, no, no. Look, don't minimize you.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:49

I tell people that all the time.

unknown 1:02:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:52

Like because your cause I don't know your life.

unknown 1:02:54

Right.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:55

See what I'm saying? Don't, don't, it ain't no compared. You you got your own, and I no, no, no, yo, yo, your your significant pain is valuable, brother.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:07

I don't mean to cut you off. I just have to tell you that. Like, I like nah, man. I want to listen. Go ahead, I'm listening.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:13

You're right. Um you know, you've uh there's so much where I could go with all these because it it's so strong. I feel like we we're gonna need to do like three or four of these episodes because it's it's it it's strong. Uh well I mean, let's let's keep going. Um, you know, what uh uh uh two things. Like one thing you kind of stirred me on is is my very first podcast and in in reception to what we just talked about, um, was a friend of mine who lost her leg on a rock climbing accident, and I asked her how does it feel to be held up as a hero, and she said exactly like you were saying is that uh uh just because you see my leg gone doesn't doesn't mean that somebody else isn't going through something just as extreme. Financially, uh you know, a relationship, uh a death in the family, and that that's something that we need to look at. And you know, that that kind of leads me to a question to even ask you, um you know up until uh that event that this became public, that it became, you know, uh an event, you know, how do you feel in in that sense, you know, almost asking the same question of when people see that they see that as a hero, but the person before that, for example, the lady at the um that you asked, she didn't see that. How how do you feel in that sense? Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_03 1:04:43

That's a good question, yeah. Lenar, listen, listen. This is how I live my life. I have the understanding that Kevin Barcia made a decision to go to the bridge and jump. By grace, I was saved. Because my decision was made. I didn't I didn't get to the bridge and get to the and get talked in the car. I didn't I jumped, brother. Like I I jumped. I made looked in the water, made a decision on everything on the inside of me that I'm about to die, like not try to die. We're dying. So my decision that was my decision. So when I looked at that picture and I people look at it, it's not about being a hero. It's about you have to understand that just like in my situation, in your darkest, darkest moments, it is something beyond all of us that will show up for you. But you just gotta believe it. You gotta believe that your life is that that that worth much value, and it had to be because it's it's billions of people on the planet, and you took up the time to show up for me like. When you look at the things that you go through in your life, think about the worst things you go through in your life. And we all had a worst day of our lives. We just probably don't have a picture of it. And that's why I make people are I I normalize that picture every time I go and I get on that stage and I speak. I say, okay, let's look at the picture so we can get it over with. Now I want you to close your eyes and I want you to think about the worst day of your life. And I want you to imagine somebody took a picture of it. Now we're on the same playing field. Because the worst day of your life looks just like that. It ain't no different, man. We've all had the worst day of our life. Nobody has not had a worst day of their life. Like, that's just you're lying. Okay? If you're honest, you had it. And if you had a picture of it, how would it really look? See, it just didn't get you didn't get a picture of it and it wasn't front page of the article. So because my picture was front page of the article, I have a responsibility. That's all it is. That that's what I understand. I understand now that I have a responsibility because he chose me, because that picture was taken, because it was front page on the paper, because millions of people see that photo and have seen that photo and know that bridge and know what is iconic for and know that picture and what's iconic for, I have a responsibility to present it as yes, this is the dark place I it took me to. Now let's now, if it can stop somebody else from getting to that dark place, absolutely I have a responsibility. We all have a responsibility because we've all had that dark place that we went to. So your dark place can unlock somebody else's dark place. And it can unlock you from you being in your own dark place. That's all life is is a circle cycle of going through, going through, going through. But it's never to stop. We stop and and we and we and we and we turn around and we forget where we go from and then we go backwards, and then we forget which way to go, and then we go left, and then we go right, and we forget forward. We think left is forward, we think right is forward, and then we and then all these hiccups in life, you know, bad relationship here, uh alcoholism, gambling, whatever it is here, baby, it's on the wrong trail with where you're supposed to be. Because the greatest things that happen to you in your life when you know you're doing what you're supposed to do. Like, let's just be honest. Like, if you're honest with yourself, the greatest, the greatest feelings in the life are when you're doing what you're supposed to do. I didn't, I didn't get this feeling until I got on until I got on that stage and started really just being, I didn't, I'm not a speaker, man. Yeah, no, no, I'm not a I'm not, and that's what I had to tell myself because I struggled in the beginning. Briggs to tell you, I was a horrible speaker. But if somebody told me, hey, you don't have to memorize your story, and it changed my life. Because everybody tried to have me ball my story up and rememorize this and say it this way. I had management in the beginning, and I just said, no, I have to, this is what I want to do. I want to be able to just talk. Let me talk the way I want to talk. You know, it's probably gonna have some some things that are said kind of to the left a little bit, but this fine. It's just who I am. It flows better when you just let me be who I am. Like, this is who I am, and so that's that's just that's my story, man. That's it. That's that's the answer, you know.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:32

I I it uh it's a beautiful story. Um I I think one thing that I I would compare kind of to that that that my brain is kind of coming to is you know kind of the relationship between you know my mom when she passed, it was it was this really fast uh uh fast experience in this fight. Um, because they didn't want to talk about death. They didn't want to talk about these things. And then with Brianna, um she had cystic fibrosis, and so we constantly were talking about death. We were talking about all these things that uh society loves to suppress and say that is bad, when it's all these things that are normal, and it's I I'm gonna use I'm gonna say it's backwards, it's completely backwards. Um and and the fact that you know everything that we feel like uh we can't do because society says that's not right are all the things that are actually normal. So when you talk about death, you need to talk about addiction, you need to talk about all these things. They're not bad things, they're things that everybody goes through, and we need to normalize them so we can talk about them, we need to talk about them so we can move through them, and to accept them, embrace them allows us to actually move uh past those things, and that's where that why comes in is you know, we we we we get mad when somebody lies to us, we get mad when something happens, yet uh as you said, the the bigger discussion is is is the why of understanding what led up to that to create the real change, to create something real. Um and so that that's what I see in your message uh even even more is is um you know there's a power there, and I I just it it's very hard to do.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:22

I don't change the world, man. And I'm not just saying that, like, like listen, man. I you know, a lot of people say that stuff and they think, nah, man, I'm tell I'm telling you, I I have something in me. Yeah, um, that that I know if I can ever, if I I I gotta get it, you know. My battle every day is every day. Like I battle every day with with really dealing with the same like issues of waking up, I gotta battle that head, that that voice that says you are worthless. You know, I gotta Mother's Day just I gotta still battle battle dealing with being a I still gotta battle these things, but I'm telling myself, Kevin, if you can really just see like you, your message, like it's always been like this, but I've always been this way. Like 11 years old, you know, I was I was talking to a homeless man that was in a in a wheelchair that had no legs on a Chicago bridge on one of my trip when on one of our trips, family trips. We stopped in Chicago because we took the train into Disney World and we stopped in Chicago. Like I remember these moments. Like I like I've this is who I've always been. I just got so far away from it because of life. But this this this I have something in me that's gonna change the dynamic of how we our loved ones are treated when they are dealing in the mental health world. Like, like they're they're they're deal they'll dealt with wrong. Your loved ones are dealt with wrong, and that's what's keeping them in that dark place. Like humanity treats them like like like like like like like they're animals and they're not like like you know that man you see walking down the street who's yelling up and yelling and everybody's laughing. If you take the time to listen to I I I do it all the time. I I my whole life I've always wondered what what they want, what what are they talking about? Because it's a message, it's something. What are they saying? What's going on? Who are they talking? Like what, you know, and we we we we don't know their story. We don't know this could be a Vietnam vet. Why? Because you don't see they don't have their hat on that says they serve their country. Come on, man. We miss it, we miss it. We miss it because we judge instead of looking at our own lives and saying, grace is the reason why we have everything we have. Like, it and it's not it's not what we it's not what we do, it's not, it's not the things that we accumulate. It's not, it's not, it's not, because you don't really do it. We are not in control of anything. You can you can wake up and it all can be gone. Yeah, we are not in control of anything except our our response. That's it. That that is the only thing that God gives us the will. He gives us all this free will. You think you can do anything you want to do, and you can't.

SPEAKER_02 1:13:53

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:54

You can't because the truth of the matter is you something something's gonna happen. You it's gonna it's gonna go this way. It's gonna, you're only in control. We we didn't know where we was gonna come. We we didn't get to pick our birthday, we didn't get to pick our name, none of this. Like, not not not how we look, where we come from, like nothing. We are not in control of nothing. The sun goes up, it goes down on nobody nobody's command.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:20

I I've I've gotta ask you in in in in that uh one thing I've I've I've I can see and I I I I just want to ask, you did you see as you it you know, as your story goes that kind of in the survival mode where you were very self, you know, I gotta survive, I gotta create this, I gotta create this. And as soon as you saw the light, did you notice a change where it became this outward energy where you wanted to help others and that outward energy uh actually gave you more light, more understanding, more progression, more processing of life, and give you more things to be thankful for or s be able to see more. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:07

Absolutely. I mean, I I tell people all the time when people inbox me and and and they're in the dark places, and I tell them, you're doing more for me than I could ever do for you. I tell people all, I don't care. People, I I I've helped hundreds that I don't know, you know, whatever. It doesn't matter. You know, after my events, it's a line. And I know somebody in that line I've come for. I've come only for one person. Like everybody's in line, they need a piece, but I've come only for one person. Somebody needs me. And I understand that, and I'm fine with that. That's my purpose. Like, I I gotta I gotta go through hell every single day because I want to stop people from going through their own hells. Like, and that's just you know, and and I and a lady told me alone, a lady told me at an event, and she said, I don't want you to think I'm crazy, but I think this is what you know, this is what we're this is how I look at your life. You're sitting at hell's gate, and your job is to stop people from going in, and you're pulling people out. Like, and I never I sit, and I, and I, and I it just clicked one day, like days later, what she said, and I'm like, yeah, that's about right. Like, you know, that's just I've lived in that dark place for so long. That's that's I'm able to stop people from going there, and people that are in there, I'm able to pull them out. That's just, you know, call it, call it, you know, and because I have this this love for humanity already, I fit perfectly in my purpose. It just all like it, it's not, it's not a it's not like I have to pretend. It's just I I can't even explain it. It's just like I can wake up and do it for free. It's just like, oh, and there's nothing that nobody can tell me that I don't feel like I have something that can help them. It just it just be like, I don't care what you tell me. I don't care. It's like I just cut last night. That's exciting to me. Because I know that I have something that can help you. Like I have something, like I've talked to people that just that have given me their suicide notes. Like, like, I because I know like it's something about that, I it's not me. Like, I make myself available. Like, I don't, I don't make this the Kevin Berthea show. I'm available. I make myself available. Like, you know, we all need that's why I always tell people we all first responders. Like, it's not you don't you don't need accolades, you don't need training. If you see somebody struggling, make yourself available. It's not about what you say, it's about allowing yourself to just be human. Like, I'm I just I I get I get tired of people saying, I don't know, I don't want to give, I don't know what to say. It's not sometimes support is silent. Make yourself available. Do you think Kevin Burdean knows what to say to people when they say to me these, these, when they tell me these dark, dark things, I'm the most empathetic person in the world. I could I crush on the inside when I hear some of the stuff that people tell me. But you know what I'm able to do, I make myself available and and and the word is given to them. Like that's just how it works. Like, I make myself available, like trust making yourself available. Just try it one time. Go to a situation where you know you don't have anything to say and just make yourself available. It will change your life. But we don't, you know, we want to focus on you know the what ifs. I've been to a lot of funerals of people that wish that they could have reached out to loved ones. Why do we wait until they're gone? Like reach out now. Tell the people you love them now, every single day. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. Because you're not gonna have the opportunity. You know, that's just you know, I'm preaching. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:37

No, it's you're right. That's uh it it's it's so true that you know life is so short and that um you know we we get caught up in um the fear. Um and and you could see that in in these conversations, you can see that in people's success. They're feel uh scared to fail. They're scared to fail. Well, failure is part of success, and and and you know I think not to I just saw earlier, I saw something a long time ago, and it changed my life.

SPEAKER_03 1:19:09

Yeah, starting over, it just means you didn't give up. All it is, yes, yes, that was like it was life changing because I thought like Yeah, that's it. Because it's not, it's better than giving if you gotta start over a hundred we we got as we got this thing now, we just press reset. All right, all right, I'm having a day. Reset. Like, however many times, but it's no it's no it's no many times. You could do it a million times, but you're not giving up.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:39

Yep. The I I think you know you just keep going. And I think one thing I wanted to connect back with, you know, when COVID hit, um, we had some support groups and and and the areas we we talked about, and everybody kept saying, Well, here's the phone number, here's the phone number if you are hurting. And I rose raised my hand and I stopped and I said, Well, let me let me return that around. If you feel comfortable where you are, can you do me a favor and start reaching out to people that you feel are not in a comfortable spot because they need that energy and they need some help. And I think kind of like you said, is that's part of the normalization and and to help people. Um, you know, uh speaking for myself anyways, when when I was in a tough spot um and and I get in a tough spot, it's not always the person that I'm I'm looking for is is is you know, not always the other person that that's challenged. I'm looking for others too that I can feel normalized. And I I think that's one thing that we forget is that you know, I I I was telling Kevin this, um Kevin Briggs, you know, there was a a friend of mine that that called up and he said he didn't have much time, and but he had listened to me for five minutes, and I was like, I didn't want like you listened. That's all I needed is that that little bit of time to to be able to share, and that that's you know the huge message um you know that that that has come from a lot of that. Um I gotta ask some questions going a little bit deeper. Um so on on both sides, you know, there's there's a person who's actually going through this struggle and I'm trying to get out of it, I'm stuck in it. Um but then there's also the people that are try see this and are trying to help. They're in fear that they're gonna say something that's gonna, you know, trigger it. They're gonna uh you know they push away as opposed to say, you know, listen.

SPEAKER_03 1:21:40

You ready for this? Yeah. I got you. And people ask me that all the time, because they always say, I'm scared of what I'm gonna say. Yep You every human that has that has breath on the face of this planet has built in compassion. Because why? Why do I know that? Because you have a heart. Like you you you you you you can cannot live without it. Okay? Like I've done I've done a lot of research.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:12

The heart is very, very important for everything.

SPEAKER_03 1:22:16

And because you have that, you have to trust that because you have a heart, and because if you're reaching out in the first place, it's not about what you say, it's about allowing yourself to be available and trusting that you're gonna say the right things because you're reaching out and you love them. Like they just need like if you're reaching out to somebody and that you know, then think about the things about them. Think about the things that you do know. Like, like, how how how can I how what can I say? What can I like we we we we worry too much when the when the idea is they just need to know that you there for support. However, you can support, figure it out. Like you you you if you're reach like if you're there, like you'll figure it out. Like, I never know what to say. But I never worry about what to say either.

SPEAKER_01 1:23:06

Right.

SPEAKER_03 1:23:07

Like I never you you can you can you can have somebody call me right now on the spot, and I'm I'm I'm not gonna know what they're gonna tell me, but I'm gonna know what to say to them because I'm making myself available, because I'm trusting my heart, because I know Kevin really cares, because I honestly do.

SPEAKER_01 1:23:25

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 1:23:25

So I know anything that comes out my mouth is gonna be gold because I honestly, from the bottom of my heart, care about every single person on the face of this planet, right, wrong, or otherwise. I don't care what you look like, I don't care what you've done, I don't care what jail you're in, I don't care what you've done to humanity or what people think about you, I care about you because that's just who I am, and I'm not gonna be in denial about who I am anymore because somebody has to be the one that cares enough to say, no, I I'm the one I care about all humanity. Like, you know, I yeah. I'm that one, fine. And I'm tired of being sitting around thinking waiting on somebody to validate it or or or or tell people about it, or or or no, no, no, I'm one. If I gotta be one and only, is that's fine because that's what I was created to be. I was created to carry this torch for the next 60 years to make humanity change so that my legacy is left with humanity, humanity different, so that I know my great-grandkids wake up in a world where they can, no matter what problem they're dealing with, they can talk to whoever they are in front of.

SPEAKER_02 1:24:35

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 1:24:36

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what anybody's dealing with. We can, we can, oh man, you know what? This is what I'm dealing with. And we stop and have conversations. We live in a world that doesn't live in their phones, we live in a world that we that that lives in each other's lives. And I'm not gonna stop. Like, you know, it just that's just who I am, you know. I I gotta put 60 in this. I'm 38. Like, you know, I could put 60 in this, and that's what I got. I got 60 years to do this, I got 60 years to make to make buildings, you know, into into lighthouses that that that say they can birthday of foundation on them. That's just where I'm at. And I'm not gonna stop.

SPEAKER_01 1:25:14

Do you do you find yourself every morning when you wake up? Um, you know, a lot of people like to take that elephant, push it under the rug, and and forget about it and and wake up with, you know, oh, you know, I'm gonna forget about it and move on. Do you find yourself rather opening up that box every morning and being like, this is me, this is me, and this is a challenge.

SPEAKER_03 1:25:37

I ain't gonna lie. The pandemic has I've been probably one of the biggest fights since the pandemic, because it kind of it took away what I've I finally like found my niche. Like November of 2019, I only I spent all this time traveling, going to all these different places, and in the Indiana in a high school gym, I found myself. It was like that's the click I needed. It was just like, Kevin, you could change the world. It was in a high school gym that literally shut down the whole school and brought me the whole school. And I was talking to like like 2,100 people and like in a in a in a big Indian, because Indiana basketball is big, so this is a huge gym. And in that moment, you know, afterwards, it was like a hundred kids in line. And it was just so moving. We all was in tears. I mean, I just I knew I knew that I had to just be who I knew I was called to be. And I just, you know, I just got into the got out of management to I'm now representing myself, and then boom, I got on one event. March 10th, 2020 was my last event, and then the pandemic ended. So then I haven't spoken on a stage since March 10th, 2020. Yeah, so that takes me away from that gift that that of what I know I can give to the world of to give what I can give to humanity, because I only can do so much online. I'm not a I'm not an online guy. I'm I'm a you could put me in front of a million people and I'm comfortable talking, you know, and it could be any walk of life, you know, any talk, any type of people, you know. I'm gonna backpack, you know, before this, before my, you know, when I really get on to you know what I really want to do, and I really want to take this message and learn, you know, you know, however many languages, and and backpacking to different tribes who are really, you know, dealing with with depression and really dealing with suicide, like, you know, at a highly rate than than we are in America, and and really, you know, send my message that way so we can they can get hope too. I mean, it's for it's for the world. It's not just it's not just for this country, it's not just for a state. Um I I'm for the people.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:36

I I mean, yes, I I I think it's it it's huge that that that feeling to give back. And I think um, you know, a as you were saying this, I kept thinking of this hero thing. And not to say that you or I are any different than anybody because like we've said, everybody's going through a struggle, and I think when people raise other people up that only difference Is that vulnerability of the other person being able to share their true reality and the other person trying to find a way to be able to share the same thing. What are some ways, you know, because we've we've talked about some heavy stuff, right? What are some ways to be able to get through that? Um I mean communication I think is is definitely huge. And and being accepted. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:28:48

That's you know, you the the the critical thing what people don't realize is you have to accept who you are. See, in accepting who you are, you'll find what you need for yourself. And you'll you'll find what you need to say to people to help you and and and and and and and things that's gonna help you grow. See, when you don't accept who you are, you'll get around situations, say the wrong thing, get around the wrong people, be in the wrong environments, get the wrong jobs, be in the wrong relationships, all the different things because you're not accepting who you are. You expecting people to see you for who you think you're showing, and you're not, because you haven't accepted who you are. So acceptance has to be the key to fixing any route. You gotta accept okay, this is who I am. I I am this way because of the things that happened to me. And see, truth be told, we don't realize that we are who you are because of the things we've experienced. We think we just magically are the way we are. Oh, I'm just magically scared. No, you're scared because something happened to your life that made you frightened, and and now that was impactful and that traumatized you. That trauma is in your brain. The movie Inside Out is the best movie humanly possible. Um, everybody should be, it should be a mandatory way. Every human should have to watch that like 10 times. Like, like it explains life because we deposit these thoughts and they go and they stay with us, and then they just they that's just who we are. And and we need all these different emotions. Like we need sadness, we need anger, we need we we need all that we have to, it just can't they have to balance each other out. And I think that we all are striving for that balance. I'm a Libra, so we you know, look go figure, like you know, a Libra that was born in Suicide Prevention Month. Like, my life was supposed to be mental health. Like, that's just if I go, I can you know I'm not gonna, I wasn't supposed to be a basketball player, I wasn't supposed to be anything else. I was supposed to be doing this because this is where I feel the most joy, like this is where I get my most everything out of, and this is where I can help humanity the best. So if you're not doing your most anything, you're not gonna get the best out of it. But that goes into accepting who I am. Like I had to go have 22 female suicide attempts. I had to try, I guess I had to try every single different way. So now that when I talk to people, I can relate to them. I don't know. Like it wasn't for me. Like, you know, I still, if I stayed in and stuff, I sit here and be like, man, think about all the different things, I get overwhelmed with, but if I just think about, oh well, I was sitting in in Wyoming of all places, and I was able to connect with somebody because I didn't she had a suicide attempt that was similar to mine. Like, who would have thought I would be in all places, you know? That's that's how life works. So, you know, I gotta catch a plan, man. I'm sorry. I just I just thought about I looked at the time, and I was like, Oh no, let's do uh whenever you want to do this again, please count me in. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:31:35

Yep. Can I ask one more question? Yep. Yep. Um, so choose your attitude, uh, create your life is is the the quote that Brianna created. And I ask everybody at the end of the um the the podcast what that means to them and how they would interpret that. Um I'd love to hear on your side kind of how you would bring that to light.

SPEAKER_03 1:31:57

I mean, you have a choice, you know. You you you you do have a choice to like I feel like your attitude is your response, and that's the only thing you are in control of. So when you say choose your attitude, you have the you have the choice to to choose how you're gonna deal with how you feel. We we we we're it's not our fault. A lot of our situations aren't our fault, but it but we have to we have the choice to how we respond to them. And the things that are our fault, it's our choice to how we respond to us. We have to know that you know there like we have to learn how to forgive ourselves. We gotta learn how to move things, move things things. That's a choice, and that attitude really, like they say, your attitude, you know, determines your aptitude. And like that's you know, they learn that all younger in life, but it does. How how you go depends on your your your choice of attitude. So that's the way I would look at it.

SPEAKER_01 1:32:43

That's beautiful, Kevin. Thank you so much. It's been an honor. We definitely need to extend this because it's already an hour and a half we've talked, but I there's so much more I wanted to ask. But thank you for doing what you do. You're true inspiration, even to me. Um, so I I appreciate you, and um, we'll talk soon. All right, man, have a good one, man. All right, you too. Thank you so much. And that's this episode of the Choose Your Attitude Podcast. It is a pleasure to be able to have Kevin Berthea on this show. It is so amazing what he has and his story. Um, it's so inspiring. Um, as you can see, we just continued to talk um and barely were even able to get into it. Um, his story is so inspiring and so thankful for him to be on. Um, if you want to get to know more about him, uh you can go to kevinbertheafoundation.org or you can see him on Instagram at underscore grateful uh on Instagram. As always, we love to have you guys. Um, if again, because we talked about some heavy uh topic, if you or somebody you know needs some help, please, please go find help. Um, that number uh for this National Suicide Prevention Hotline, they can provide some help and assistance. Their number is 1-800-273-8255. Again, that's 1-800-273-8255. Um, there is a website called suicidepreventionlifeline.org. It's the same group. Um, there is chat available there. So if you need to um be able to talk in that form, they have that as well. Um, as always, we are just so thankful for our listeners. Thank you for listening. It has been an amazing episode. Uh, we're gonna have some more coming up. Um, so thanks for listening. See you for now.

SPEAKER_00 1:34:39

Thank you for listening. To reach out to Nick and the Choose Your Attitude community, find us on social media at Choose Attitude Create Life. Share your attitude with the world with merch guaranteed to encourage at chooseyourattitude.com. Be sure to share us with friends, family, and colleagues. And while you're at it, leave us an uplifting review. We'd very much appreciate it. Check back for new episodes. Until next time, choose your attitude, create your life.