Putting people in their place is often held up as the strong way to respond to an insult . After all , if you say nothing , you're a doormat , if you walk away , you're weak . But often the opposite is true .
On a recent flight I was watching Gladiator 2 . Lucius the hero is in the arena and he is chained and fighting for his life . A Wizard of Oz-type monkey pounces on him . He is horrific . He has really sharp , bloody teeth and to survive Lucius sinks his own teeth into this creature's arm and the crowd roars . Later his fellow gladiator slaves mock him with monkey sounds and they're looking at his face waiting for Lucius to explode . But Lucius doesn't take the bait . In fact he laughs along with them , and as I'm watching this movie I'm thinking that's an interesting response . Most guys in a movie like this would have started punching these other men and I should have realized then that Lucius turns out to be Marcus Aurelius's grandson . Of course this is a made-up story , but I loved that bit of foreshadowing a glimpse of stoic character in
action .
Speaker 1There is endless advice out there about crafting the perfect comeback and how to respond to insults , and a lot of it seems rooted in anger , passive aggressiveness and trying to win , trying to hurt the other person because we are so obsessed about what they think of us . The Stoics trained themselves to rise above insults and to care more about what they believed about themselves than someone else's opinion , and modern science confirms this is the emotionally healthy way to respond to situations . 2,000 years ago , epictetus put it this way to his students , and he was teaching Rome's elite young men at the time . Imagine someone sold your body into slavery . Of course you'd be outraged , and yet you willingly give away your freedom of mind to people you feel have insulted you . Aren't you ashamed of this ? Epictetus is a literal slave-turned-Stoic philosopher , and he was teaching Rome's elite young men that being a slave to your emotions is worse than being a slave in body . That is exactly what we see with Lucius . He wasn't putting on a brave face to try and look unbothered to these other men . He was actively choosing not to be bothered . All their external noise didn't affect his character , so it meant nothing to him . Now , that is strength , as Marcus's pretend grandson in the movie reminds us .
Speaker 1The ultimate comeback isn't a clever line or making someone else feel small . It's refusing to hand over your peace of mind . This isn't easy . It takes practice and it's also the path to emotional freedom .
Most of us aren't fighting in arenas , but the same principle applies to everyday slights . When someone insults us , our body reacts as if we are under threat . The heart speeds up , cortisol rises , muscles tighten . Without flexibility , we can get stuck in that state , shut down emotionally or keep replaying what we wish we had said . This happens to all of us . We are not saints or sages , and sometimes our practices fall short of our principles .
Speaker 1In fact , I found myself in this situation the other day . I was strolling around San Gay Village cappuccino in hand , and to get to the beach I cut through two apartment buildings , but I took the wrong path and I hit a small wall . Apartment buildings , but I took the wrong path and I hit a small wall . So I turn back and I see a man working on one of the buildings and I joke around like oh , looks like I'm trapped , and then he glares at me and says this is private property . Oh sorry , I say , and I walk away . Now this is a pretty banal exchange that should have been easily forgotten , but as I walked onto the beach I felt agitated . Why did I apologize to that guy ? We could have had a pleasant exchange and instead he acted like I killed someone . What was his problem ? And he didn't even insult me in an obvious way , but I felt insulted .
Speaker 1Here is what helps calm me down in situations like this . One pause before reacting . Take a breath , let your nervous system catch up . Two , allow yourself to feel what you're feeling and name it . For example , I notice I'm feeling angry , I'm breathing faster , and just let this emotion move through you rather than letting it drive you . So process that emotion . And three , choose to respond in a way that's in line with your values . I call this choosing integrity over impulse . Psychologists call it psychological flexibility the ability to notice what's happening inside you . Make space for the feeling instead of allowing it to take over , and choose a response that serves you and the situation
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Speaker 1Once your nervous system has calmed down , get curious . Imagine someone saying nice shirt . You might hear it as a dig , but is it ? Maybe they were just making small talk ? Maybe you were just feeling insecure that day anyway and were looking for confirmation . Getting curious is not about lying to yourself . It's about making space for alternative explanations and choosing the one that's most useful to you . That shift , questioning your judgment instead of jumping to defend yourself is what keeps you free .
Speaker 1Socrates taught that people don't choose to do wrong on purpose . They either know what's right and act on it , or they're ignorant and act from that ignorance . Either way , they believe they're doing the right thing . So ask yourself what might be behind this other person's behavior . Are they stressed , insecure , distracted , simply misinformed ? Is there a chance they're right or that part of what they're saying is true , like me , trespassing on private property ? If not , make peace with the fact that the world is full of opinions you can't control . Also , get curious about the person doing the insulting .
Speaker 1If this is a real relationship that you want to repair or nurture , your next move is going to look different than if you're dealing with a stranger . So ask yourself how important is this relationship to you ? Do you even know them ? How much will you be thinking about this person next you ? Do you even know them ? How much will you be thinking about this person next week ? Do you respect them ?
Speaker 1As the Stoics say , what matters is living in alignment with your values , not giving your time and mental energy to people who you don't even want to be like ,
believe it or not . The Stoics could be funny and they like to use humor to diffuse insults . So if someone says nice shirt and you're not sure if it's a compliment or a jab , instead of reacting on impulse , a Stoic might pause , regulate and then choose a chill response like thank you , I love it . Or they might make a joke . You should have seen what I had on yesterday . So when you're in conversation with other people , ask yourself what response reflects the kind of person I want to be , Because what we do says everything about who we are .
Speaker 1Again , this is not the easy path . This is a harder thing to do . The simple thing is to try to insult people back , to let our anger just rage through us , and some people even say they feel pleasure when they're angry and yelling at somebody else . But that short-term pleasure does not lead to long-term life satisfaction and it's certainly not helping us show up as our highest selves .
Like most people , I still sometimes have revenge fantasies . A cutting remark will pop into my mind , but then I take a step back and get clear about the intention of my words and if what's floating through my mind , if those words are meant to harm the other person , if I actually said them . That realization is enough to snap me back into my values , because I don't want my intent to be to hurt someone else . That's not the kind of energy I want to put out into this world , and this is why Marcus Aurelius wrote what later became known as his meditations .
Speaker 1Aurelius wrote what later became known as his meditations . This was his personal journal , not meant for publication . His life was filled with stress , plague , civil war , foreign invasions , backstabbing . He had plenty of insults thrown his way . Writing in his private journal gave him space to step back , examine his thoughts and actions and remind himself of the kind of man and emperor he wanted to be . This practice built his psychological flexibility so that even in the darkest times , he could manage whatever came his way . As he put it , the best revenge is not to be like your enemy .