3 - Starting a Meditation Practice

Barbara Newell and Matthew Aldrich discuss how to approach starting a meditation practice.  They discuss frequently asked questions, challenges, and also give perspective on their own journeys. 

Visit barbaranewell.com or thewaytowellbeing.com for more resources.  Also Barbara offers free initial consultations which can be booked here.

The Way to Well-Being is a collaboration between Barbara Newell, mindfulness + meditation teacher and a former Buddhist nun who trained under Thich Nhat Hanh, and Matthew Aldrich, mindfulness student.

This collaboration was born out of a desire to provide a more structured approach to developing long-term sustainable well-being through the cultivation of mindfulness.

As a newcomer to mindfulness, Matthew accelerated quite quickly and with relative ease in developing his meditation practice.  Upon reflection with his teacher Barbara, it became apparent that recent therapy focused on reducing emotional reactivity was extremely helpful and contributed to this benefit.  While Barbara had extensive experience and knew the immense benefit of addressing emotions in a mindfulness practice, she and Matthew noted that the traditional teachings were often missing or didn’t sufficiently explain the role of emotions.

While there are numerous books about mindfulness, the information can sometimes be conflicting, too conceptual, or just inadequate related to the actual implementation in a busy modern life.

It became apparent that a more structured approach with practical guidance and techniques could help numerous people find their way to well-being through mindfulness.

Transcript

spk_0:   0:13
Welcome to the way toe wellbeing podcast, where we explore a structured approach to realizing sustained wellbeing through the cultivation and integration of mindfulness into your life. This is Matthew Aldridge. I'm a mind pulled a student.

spk_1:   0:31
And this is Barbara Newell. I'm a mindfulness teacher.

spk_0:   0:35
Today. We wanted to talk about starting a Bennett ation practice, specifically addressing some frequently asked questions. So obviously the big one is Barbara. How do I get started?

spk_1:   0:50
Yeah, there are different ways that can give us that. That boost to start a new a new practice, a new habit for myself. It waas a local group that was practicing. Actually, there were several different local groups. I was fortunate I was in Washington, D. C. And I had several to choose from. I started going to one that was on Sunday evenings, just went and practice sitting meditation. They had some some guided meditation and also some silent sitting meditation as well as walking, meditation and some listening to a talk. There are, And then there were other, smaller neighborhood groups that I started to find that would have ah shorter, simpler program. So one great way to start is to find other people who are doing it and join in and get tips and some support that way, others of us like to do it more. D i Y um yeah, it gives us, of course, the maximum flexibility and choice. And if I were to give one broad suggestion, it's as with anything else, knew that we start. And particularly we can see the parallels with physical exercise and learning, burning new physical skills or just getting an exercise routine in his too approach it in the way that is easiest for you because there really isn't one single way that everyone has to meditate. So find the, for example, the time of day. If you just take a moment now to think over your day. If your brand new to meditation. And while there may be times in the day where you have a lot of stress and you might like to have meditation available to help you, that might not be the best time to try and start learning to cultivate the skill of mindfulness meditation. So to learn, too, to build the skill, it's best to find the time of day words easier for you. Maybe many people like to do it in the morning when the mind is still relatively fresh and open and doesn't have quite so many things. S O money, So many tabs. Open your windows. Hope. Penance, we might say in the computer, um, other people really like to do it in the evening. Maybe the middle of the day is a good time to take a break if you have a lunch hour and you can take a few minutes or even longer. So just sensing for yourself once the time of day when it would be easiest or most conducive for me to just take some time to pause and refresh myself and kind of tune in tow what's happening inside with my breathing with my sensations, with my emotions and thoughts as we will be talking about more, I think in other podcasts the specifics of those practices. So that says to time of day. And then often people will ask about posture. Um, and again, um, we don't want to be too rigid or kind of perfectionist about having the same kind of ideal posture. I think I mentioned this before when we were talking about this. What We're calling formal meditation practice as distinct from informal practices that we've. We've been through activities of the day. Um, we can certainly sit in a chair. Some people really like sitting on the floor. They find that very grounding and stabilizing. It just feels good. Maybe it gives their back a nice little stretch to have the that deep end in the hip. But for other people, it's not comfortable or it's even impossible. So there's nothing wrong with doing. You're sitting practice in a chair or on a bench. Sometimes a chair can cause us to slouch a bit into the back of the chair, so you'll often hear the advice to sit forward with your your hips and buttocks, sort of somewhat toward the front edge of the chair, and not to be leaning back against the back of the chair because that could cause a kind of a slump or a slouch, which limits our breathing. And many people find it really helpful, especially if their mind is quite busy to use guided meditations. And there are all kinds of sources for guided meditations of all different lengths, from one minute up to 50 minutes or perhaps even longer. We'll probably put some resources on the Web site. I think toe list those out. But I'll just mention here. One very popular app for um timing or bells or guided meditations is called Insight Timer. That's just insight. Timer dot come that can help us to keep the mind focused and present to the the experience. Also Tara Brock, my colleague and mentors website Tara brock dot com has a nice resource page called New to Meditation, and there are, ah, some different guided meditations of various lengths for people who are new.

spk_0:   6:12
How about, um, timing, how much time should people target when they're starting their meditation? And specifically to that? A lot of feedback I've heard is a wow I you know, starting off with an extended period of time seems very daunting.

spk_1:   6:28
Yeah, so there's no reason why we have to dive off into the the eight foot deep and the pool. If that feels like a lot. I think we touched on this a bit in the previous podcast. Just maybe just start with, um, one minute if you're really brand new and you're just not sure if you can sit still that long. Um, one minute, maybe four or five times a day, maybe to set Ah, ah, ah, notification on your your watch or your phone to just pause for one minute. And we even have a one minute guided practice already. Um, just tow. Get into dip your toe into the pool of yeah, kind of doing nothing for at least a few breaths and as that feels easy, Or perhaps it you already know that one minute is absolutely not a problem for you. You can start with five minutes really distancing into what you have observed about yourself up until now, and you'll be observing a lot more. As you explore into these things. What's the length of time in your day that feels doable in terms of taking time when you're not doing the other things that you're doing with your life and also an amount of time that doesn't cause you to feel really frustrated and overwhelmed with the waterfall of thoughts?

spk_0:   7:51
And how do you deal with that when you do encounter those like avalanche of thoughts?

spk_1:   7:58
So it's really helpful to use well, the anchor we've talked about the anchor and we just keep observing the thinking, and we can, Ah noted, noting, is a practice that people often find really helpful to discover if we just simply acknowledge that that's what happening. So we're not trying to stop the waterfall. We're not timeto push it back, um, surgically remove it. It's not possible. We're trying to cultivate a freedom with and around it. And remember that we aren't on Lee that waterfall, that we are actually the larger mind that's witnessing the waterfall. And that mind can simply say, kind of noting like no thinking, thinking, thinking.

spk_0:   8:49
And you may be thinking for a while

spk_1:   8:51
that Yeah, absolutely. And even if it sounds, you know, just to describe it now, it sounds, um, what's the point in that, or what's the benefit in that? But it really can be very beneficial in the moment to just acknowledge that that's what's happening that is mindfulness. And when you know the, the one that sees the thinking or that sees ourselves being caught in a waterfall of thinking is not itself caught in the waterfall. So the one that can witness that can noted that can acknowledge it is already something larger, and that just feels like a little bit more space. A little bit more. Um, this identification with the content of the thoughts,

spk_0:   9:35
um, two people who would say I just can't see moving beyond this kind of upsets of thinking. What do you advise them? How do you encourage them to keep going? Um,

spk_1:   9:49
that's a really nice question. And I would encourage them to think about other things in their life that they might recall where they thought about or saw some other person, maybe doing something that they thought they would never be able to do. And then later they were able to do that. It could be a sport playing tennis, playing the piano, cooking any other skill. Really, it just takes practice and patience and perseverance and maybe a little social support can be really helpful. We hope to offer some of that here. And, of course, in person support is wonderful. Um, and, you know, it's a little bit of an active Filippo faith, right? But just to remember that there have been other things that we thought we never would be able to do. And there we were, you know, writing a bicycle. Um, any other things that we do that way.

spk_0:   10:44
And is it similar to exercise that you start off kind of small little bits and continue to increase, put on the heavier weights, extend the time periods and and with that is there kind of, ah, target time period that you often recommend as people advance?

spk_1:   11:03
Um, it's not so much that I have one to recommend to people, but I would just say maybe observation, Aly, that in in our culture it seems that many people will eventually gravitate toward 20 to 30 minutes. And at the same time, um, I certainly know other people who do much less, and I know people who do much more. But probably the I guess of the bell curve would probably be right around 20 to 30 minutes today.

spk_0:   11:34
And is that where you see more benefits? Is with that longer duration?

spk_1:   11:39
I really think that any, um, any significant increments is going to as you said. I mean, we talked about this in the previous podcast that going from from 10 to 20 intent and 20 to 40 that was your own direct experience went as we were working together and then eventually going on? Ah, three day weekend, silent retreat that at each of these kind of Ah, yeah, incremental increases that you did that. Ah, greater degree of of clearing, of settling of maybe even refreshing of the mind and the body and also room for creativity and insight. But maybe you'd like to talk a little bit more about that. Your own experience.

spk_0:   12:27
Yeah. I think with the longer duration, it's just allows your mind to settle, become if you will calm or just clearer. And so, through that experience, I think the insight just bubbles up. Ah, and you're ableto really gained a lot more, if you will. From it. Um so I'm in My I started out at 10. Went upto ah 20 ultimately about 30. And that's really where I won't landed on a daily basis. Um, that was another point that I was gonna ask you about is just in terms of how often, um, should people target. Is it an everyday practice? And what if I miss a couple days?

spk_1:   13:14
Oh, yeah. I do think it's very beneficial to do it every day if we can. And if we can't, um, it's still very beneficial to do it one day a week, then zero. Certainly. Um and if we miss a couple days, yeah, I mean, the practice is there for us, and we It's not like it's all lost in two days time. Certainly not. I would even suggest that some of the insights that we gain we we really never lose it just can get harder to remember or to kind of tap into what we know when when the mind gets crowded up again with the business of everyday living. And we if we stop taking that pause. And there's a beautiful poem by Martha Postlethwaite Mabel posted on the website, Um, it's about creating a clearing in the dense forest of your life. That's very useful. And there's also, ah, quote of right more of a paraphrasing. I think of Victor Frankel where he said, between the stimulus and the response, there is a space, and in that space is your power and your freedom, huh? So it may be a stimulus from outside. Maybe someone says something, and we have a typical reaction that may lead us down a path of more stress and unhappiness. And with this practice, if we can just have that larger witnessing of O I'm I'm noticing my heart's starting to race. I noticed my hands are clenching. This might be a good time for me to go and get a glass of water. Um, we may save ourselves some grief and sometimes the stimuli or internal, and we have reactivity or judgment or criticism or conflict inside our own, our own mind. And that can also be exhausting stress and anxiety inducing and again, as we do this practice, that space between the stimulus and the response gradually gets bigger. And we have more freedom and more choice about how to respond rather than habitually reacting.

spk_0:   15:28
Yeah, because I mean what we know from Neurosciences. The normal reaction is we we get a stimulus, we have an emotion, and the emotion then causes us very often react to specific way based very much arm how we have behaved in the in the past. Ah, and so if you with this practice you experience the ability to extend that reactions were not immediately hair triggering responding, but you're able to kind of pause and say, Oh, okay, the way I used to respond didn't really isn't really appropriate or isn't the best way to respond. Maybe I can sit here a little bit, take a little bit more time and come up with more skillful response.

spk_1:   16:15
Yeah, really offering ourselves. There's a kindness and compassion as part of this is, Well, it's it's ah, it's really recognizing, as as we say in the practice of rain, which we can talk about more later on. Perhaps, um, this is Ah Wei of particularly being with other strong sensations or emotions or even thoughts that come up. The two first letters of the rain practice are are an A for recognizing and allowing. So in that space that we're offering ourselves, it's really allowing it to be as it is. So we're again. We're not trying to suppress that. We're not trying to immediately correct and improve and change. We're just saying this is going bring us back to what we're saying in the beginning about noting and allowing it to be the way it is. And that's that curious paradox that we talked about from Carl Rogers, that if we just hello our experience to be what it iss often, it will somehow untangle or unwind and then we have more of that space to respond skillfully.

spk_0:   17:21
Danta fling So in with rain you touched on this a bit. I mean, that's rain very often, as a technique used to deal with challenging emotion. So to that, I know is, is part of the meditation practice. What do you do when emotions arise? How do you handle that?

spk_1:   17:43
So, uh, with just about everything emotions, thoughts and obviously sensations themselves, I find it really helpful. Two, uh, well being our anchor, of course. First of all, that's the That's the That's our foundation. That's our home base. And that can be the background wave if it's our breathing or, um yeah, our anchor to the present moment. And from that place we are recognizing and allowing the emotion and particularly where it is. If if there's a noticeable place in the body, it's not always the case. We may not have ah, sensation in the body, and that's fine. But very often there will be a place in the body that we notice is tightening or clenching or hot or cold or shaky. So recognizing and allowing the emotion itself said just noting, Oh, angry, angry um anxious, anxious, and then this is tthe e. The eye of rain is investigating or exploring, and it's not a, um it's not an intellectual investigation of, you know, analyzing. Oh, I'm feeling this way because my mom did this when I was six years old. And ever since then it's really exploring in the body's experience. Where do I feel this? Um, does it show me an image or a memory? But we're not tryingto dig it out or excavated. We're just opening to the body's experience of the emotion. And perhaps the minds with the mind might send up to the surface as we are attending to it. So it's just as with anything else, that mindfulness of emotion is simply recognizing it, allowing it, exploring how it lives in the body, how it may even intensify if it's being given the space instead of suppressed, as we might have done in the past. And then eventually probably dissolving and being absorbed somehow, uh, so that we can come back to her, are just resting in the home base once again and perhaps with a fresh approach, maybe not right away

spk_0:   20:00
is that common for emotions to rise during definite nation. I

spk_1:   20:05
mean, emotions are happening all the time in meditation and out.

spk_0:   20:10
How do you? Um so let's say someone's experienced some really intense negative emotions or something. Where there. Just like I just need to get out of here. I need to stop meditating. And I just need to How? What? Recommendations or advice? Would you?

spk_1:   20:26
Well, I would say. First of all, that's probably That's probably mindfulness is saying My body has, um, some hormones probably going through that are associated with this emotional experience, and I may need to get up and move to discharge them. I may need to go for a jog or a walk or just remove myself from this room. Perhaps, um mmm. Resourcing is also really, ah, helpful practice. And there are many different ways that we can practice mindfulness of resources. Um, one example is to call to mind a person or even, ah, spirituals figure it could be a person alive or dead could be our grandmother. It could be. For many people, it's their companion animal, a dog or a cat, Um, or it could be a place where we feel a real sense of refuge that just calling that into our mind and feeling how we would feel if we were with that person if they were with us right now looking at us with kindness and care or if we were in that beautiful place and just remembering that we do have that place or that connection available in our life to embrace this strong emotional experience that's going on. Sometimes we need to actually pick up the phone and call a friend or go and visit a friend or go to the other room and pet our dog or walk outside around the block. Um, journaling many people find helpful there any number of ways that we can, um, bring a kind awareness and ah, a sense of, um um, a way to allow the emotions to move through rather than being

spk_0:   22:20
bottled up. And I know we've talked about this before with the motions is very often there. The are busy Atlanta Cole Lee short. They only last about 90 seconds maximum. However, very often what's happening is our thinking keeps him going. I

spk_1:   22:42
keep replaying the movie and we keep having the emotion over and over.

spk_0:   22:46
Yeah, and so it mindfulness is one of the ways to help short.

spk_1:   22:52
Yes, right, Mindfulness says. Oh, I'm replaying the movie, and even this is a great example. So before we tell ourselves I must stop doing that, we just acknowledge we recognize and acknowledge and allow the fact that, oh, I'm replaying the movie And here's that emotion coming back again. And now I'm replaying the movie again. So just took with kindness. Just noticed that that's what we're doing with our mind. So we're not trying to beat ourselves up for it or say, you know, I'm stupid or there's something wrong with me because I'm doing this. This is what you know human beings do is we've talked about evolutionarily. We were hard wired to be very vigilant and really, really attuned to any kind of threat. And so this is all just part of that same impulse to be really keep ourselves on guard and not to ever make you know mistakes that could harm us. This is where we see that maybe it's it's not a snake, it's just a rope and we can put down our arms.

spk_0:   24:01
Yeah, and I know personally, I mean, when you do experience those emotions. If you can start to focus on the anchor or your breathing, or then that in of itself will rain just dissolves.

spk_1:   24:17
Exactly. Thank you. That's such a yeah, So there's There's really a couple different ways. One is just to keep coming back to the present moment, what's happening right in the moment and be with the sensations and particularly of our anchor. That's exactly the purpose of the anchors to help us connect with the larger experience. That isn't this kind of narrowing of perspective where we really fixate on that One thing that happened out of the thousands of things that happened that day, um and then the other is bringing in some resources that help us to, um, ground. And um, yes, I said, kind of allow the experience to move on through with this kind, witnessing an awareness.

spk_0:   25:02
And I didn't think the important point to emphasize here is that over time it'll just be easier to do like anything else. Yeah, you build the skill, and all of a sudden it just becomes more automatic on DDE. Not as challenging and emotions are one of the areas that we really plan to dive down deep, um, and give you Maur insight and perspective on how to address those Because addressing the emotional aspect can help you immensely in terms of well being. So that's all we have time for today. We appreciate that you're listening to us and we hope you found this very informative form or information. Do go to our website at the wayto wellbeing dot com and for information on Barbara and how she can help. You can visit her website at barbara Newell dot com. Thank you and have a wonderful day, okay?