4.1 - Self Compassion Journey

Barbara Newell and Matthew Aldrich discuss Matthew's journey to self-compassion.

Visit barbaranewell.com or thewaytowellbeing.com for more resources.  Also Barbara offers free initial consultations which can be booked here.

The Way to Well-Being is a collaboration between Barbara Newell, mindfulness + meditation teacher and a former Buddhist nun who trained under Thich Nhat Hanh, and Matthew Aldrich, mindfulness student.

This collaboration was born out of a desire to provide a more structured approach to developing long-term sustainable well-being through the cultivation of mindfulness.

As a newcomer to mindfulness, Matthew accelerated quite quickly and with relative ease in developing his meditation practice.  Upon reflection with his teacher Barbara, it became apparent that recent therapy focused on reducing emotional reactivity was extremely helpful and contributed to this benefit.  While Barbara had extensive experience and knew the immense benefit of addressing emotions in a mindfulness practice, she and Matthew noted that the traditional teachings were often missing or didn’t sufficiently explain the role of emotions.

While there are numerous books about mindfulness, the information can sometimes be conflicting, too conceptual, or just inadequate related to the actual implementation in a busy modern life.

It became apparent that a more structured approach with practical guidance and techniques could help numerous people find their way to well-being through mindfulness.

Transcript

spk_1:   0:12
welcome to the wayto wellbeing podcast, where we explore a structured approach toe wellbeing through the cultivation of mindfulness. This is Matthew Aldridge. I'm a mindfulness

spk_0:   0:25
student. And this is Barbara Newell, Mindfulness Teacher. This

spk_1:   0:30
is some bonus material that we recorded after our podcast on the importance of compassion. This is just a brief discussion between Barbara and I on how I personally had developed self compassion.

spk_0:   0:47
So, Matthew, I've heard you mention and kind of been passing from time to time about your own evolution in connecting with self compassion and how it made a really important difference in in your own growth on your own well being. And I was wondering if you'd just be willing to share some about that.

spk_1:   1:08
Yeah. Um, I mean, as I've discussed with you, um, I came from a family where we were fairly critical of each other on and as a result, as I grew up, I developed this self critical nature. Ah, and I was almost always harder on myself. But the interesting thing is, I also surrounded myself with people who were also critical. Like you, you find patterns that are similar to what you grew up with. and I remember having some realization of this when I was working. My my boss, she was a great boss. But at the same time, um, she also knew how to push my buttons. And, um, I was on a difficult assignment, working with a fairly difficult client, and things weren't really working out well. And she kind of posited a question, which was like, Why can't you fix that? What was wrong? Your boss? Yeah. And I remember having this visceral reaction, and it was just like all of a sudden, I I felt bad about myself. I was like, What's wrong? Why couldn't you do that? And Shane? Yeah, and I remember, actually, the sad thing is, all of a sudden I wanted a drink. Um, and it was just like what? Yeah, um, it was an immediate reaction because I didn't like that emotion, and I was looking for a way to resolve it. And in that instance, I was like, Wait, wait a minute. I I didn't as best I could. And you know what? That's good enough. And she's just utilizing this, uh, this technique to try to get me to work hard, and I actually noticed it. She did it with other people, which

spk_0:   2:59
in a lot of ways

spk_1:   3:00
could be effective as a puss. But I didn't think it was the right way to go about it. I mean, it's just like the habits people fall into. Um, but that

spk_0:   3:08
was kind of

spk_1:   3:08
the start of realizing and and I think as I then as I went through mindfulness, I think one of the key things I learned it is really to look at and be happy with who I am. And I say that easily. It was, It's a process. How

spk_0:   3:27
did you How did how What do you see as the the What was the way that got to that place for you, where you were able to make a shift in how you responded differently from how you'd been conditioned?

spk_1:   3:40
It's a process. I think it's It's a process to start to take notice and really say, Hey, did I, um you know, am I doing the best I can? Um,

spk_0:   3:56
so you're looking at your thought patterns?

spk_1:   3:58
Yeah, and But even then it's like, um, you know, ultimately, it's It's realizing that that self critical nature, um, in a lot of ways could undermined you because it produces fear. I mean, I thought this was an interesting thing. One of those things, even this is another work issue is that very often, um when I would get stressed, ah, and feel have concerns about the way things were being done because it was, it would be I would it would almost permit it on a path that was not really conducive to resolving the issue. It was like I would almost get a little panicky in a way. And I think as I started to look at that, I'm like, Hey, this isn't really working very well. Um, and it was in a lot of ways, kind of looking at those thought patterns, looking at what was causing it and also realizing look, instead looking inward, looking outward and realizing that people's expectations were very different from my own. Like I had these really high expectations of myself. Yeah, but other people were like, No, you're doing a great job. You're And so I think very often we have to get that's, um, process of getting out of our own head, Um, and and looking at reality. So

spk_0:   5:25
you opened yourself to other other perspectives.

spk_1:   5:29
Yes, on. And the other piece of it is like I mean, don't go. And those other perspective sometimes can also be reinforcing the that negative, self critical aspect. I mean, sometimes you have to put yourself in perspective on the other thing is, um, you know, I'm a business consultant, and so that environment is has high expectations to begin with, and sometimes you have to realize it's like Okay, well, that's the environment I'm in. But that doesn't mean I'm not doing a great job, and I'm not a great person, and it's more than work to that's the other side of it is you really just need to take stock of yourself and in a broader context, and not against necessarily what our cultural or societal expectations are, either. It's like you ultimately look at your values. What are what's important in life. Um, and you know, ultimately it's being comfortable with where you're at now and not against some other standard, because I think I mean, we've talked about this a number of times with mindfulness. I mean, very often we kind of get, um, lost in her head and attached to this idea of where we need to be, like in the future or this future state. And if we're there, then we're gonna be happy. And a lot of it's coming back and saying, being comfortable with the here and the now,

spk_0:   7:15
thank you.