10 - Reversing a Persistent Negative Spiral

Barbara Newell and Matthew Aldrich further explore methods to reconnect and recharge, focusing on instances where it is challenging to see beyond the negative.  Matthew specifically touches on his own experience with practical, proven activities which can help us pull out of a stubborn downward spiral.

Visit barbaranewell.com or thewaytowellbeing.com for more resources.  Barbara offers free initial consultations which can be booked here.

The Way to Well-Being is a collaboration between Barbara Newell, mindfulness + meditation teacher and a former Zen Buddhist nun with Thich Nhat Hanh, and Matthew Aldrich, mindfulness student.

As a newcomer to mindfulness, Matthew saw his meditation practice developing quickly and easily with Barbara's instruction. He found applied mindfulness practices to be extremely helpful for relating skillfully with emotional reactivity.  While there are numerous books about mindfulness, the information can sometimes be conflicting, too conceptual, or just inadequate with regard to the actual implementation in a busy modern life.

It became apparent that straightforward, practical guidance could help other people find their way to long-term, sustained well-being through mindfulness.

Transcript

spk_0:   0:12
welcome to the way toe well being Podcast, where we explore a structured approach toe Well, being through the cultivation of mindfulness. This is Matthew Altar Church and I'm a mindfulness student.

spk_1:   0:24
And this is Barbara Newell. I'm a mindfulness teacher. So in our last episode, we talked about the theme of reconnect and recharge and we noticed that there was still a lot more that was coming up for us that we that we were talking about with each other and that we wanted to share in the podcast. And I thought I would just begin today because I often find some fresh inspiration right before we we do our our recording together. And this time it was just the day before yesterday I saw that the governor of the state of Michigan, which is where we live and do this podcast Ah, had just issued a news release about a partnership between the state of Michigan and a very popular, well known and very well developed mindfulness app. And I was really excited about that because Michigan has been going through a pretty difficult time lately. And there's been some controversy over measures that have been enacted to keep people safe and and the corresponding cost that that imposes on the economy and peoples regular routines. And I was happy because this move for the state at the governor level, the head of the state of Michigan, to announce this partnership at a very sensitive time with a mindfulness app really underscores for me that there's a greatly increasing recognition in our society that mental and emotional well being is at least as important to our overall quality of life as our physical health and well being, definitely, and that there are concrete secular practices. Even if they may have, they may have a long history in in in a Buddhist tradition. There are also, of course, other meditations and other spiritual and religious traditions, but that it, at its essence, mindfulness, doesn't need to be part of any religious tradition. It can be practiced in a completely secular way or anywhere along that spectrum that a person wishes and that there is science. There are now thousands of scientific studies establishing the benefits of mindfulness practice, and so this felt like a very clear recognition at a really important and difficult time in the state that mindfulness can be of real benefit. And, um, the the scientific underpinnings and confirmations of the benefits of mindfulness are well, uh, are well explored and described on that website, which is called headspace headspace dot com. And one of the practices that they that they include on that website and that they include scientific support for is the practice of cultivating gratitude on turning toward what is nourishing us and really taking in soaking in the good things. Um, so Matthew, we were just talking, and I wanted to ask if you would talk a little bit more about both your own personal experience and experiences that you've seen with friends about being in that state where it's really difficult to see any good. And how can we work with that?

spk_0:   3:51
Yeah, and obviously because of the tough times, people are, in a way a bit stuck on what we talked about previously. That negative bias there they're seeing all the negatives and their ruminating and spiraling. Ah, and very often it's leading to depression. And I think I've mentioned previously that I've had personally have had challenges with depression. Um, and there's been a couple instances with my friends where I've kind of made that note. It sounds like you're depressed. Um, and it also sounds like you're ruminating and spiraling and making it worse. And one of the things that I brought up ah and I would just recommend for those that are listening is if you do find yourself kind of ruminating on the negatives and spiraling and it's just getting hung up, that may be a sign that you are depressed and there are tools. Ah, that can help you evaluate where you're at. And I do want to point that out on so you can go to psychology. Dash tools dot com They have a number of tests. These air, all standardized test. Um, that can be very valuable. The one that I would recommend that I have used is the major Depression inventory. Ah, it's a really quick test to evaluate kind of where you're at. Ah, if you score above ah, 20 that means you at least have mild depression. The higher the score moves into moderate and severe. But I think what's most important is it. Ah, you do find that you're kind of ruminating on the negative. There are a couple kind of key things that you can do that a well proven to help kind of shift or pivot And the two things that I want toe focus on our socialisation Ah, and then finding activities that bring you joy. So one of the the key things that we do know is increasing. Socialization helps immensely, um, with kind of pulling yourself out of that kind of spiral of depression. Ah, and socializing can be a number of different forms. Obviously. I mean, right now it may be difficult to actually physically socialize. Um, but it's a matter of calling. It's really a matter of reaching out to others. And the challenge when you're depressed is a very much you have this negative attitude towards, ah, the outcome of socialization. So in other words, we have the again. What we've talked about previously is negative bias. So if we think OK, well, I'm going to call my mom, I or think about calling my mom. But I automatically go to this idea that Oh, yeah, you know what? She's not gonna have anything good to say. It's just not gonna be pleasant, and I just don't do it.

spk_1:   7:05
I might bring her down often it's that we think we're going to make the other person.

spk_0:   7:10
That's actually really good point.

spk_1:   7:11
Happy having with them.

spk_0:   7:13
Yeah, I you know, I've had a friend who's actually said, Well, you don't want to hear all this stuff I have to say, um, all these negative things and I was like, Yeah, I do. But at the same time, like, you know, with socialization, Really? The point here is that you kind of have to push yourself beyond the negative perspective because what we found very often and this is a good experiment for you to do is like, think about those, um, that kind of eso resistance to socialize. Ah, and take that activity that you weren't going to do and kind of fortress help to do it. I know it's hard, but push yourself to do it and you obviously make a note of those expectations before and then after you've done it, go back and re look and see how the actual event compared to the expectations and journaling that down is key. And so again, just write it down before you do the social activity. And then, after you've done it, come back, read it and see. See how it compared it most often. What you're going to find is that our expectations were far worse than what it actually ended up being. And so that's one of the key things here is. Is that where we're pushing ourselves in? The very act of socializing will help. It's very well proven, so we have to reconnect. So it's one of the key things. Um, and then the recharging the activities is finding those activities which bring us joy very often. When we're depressed, we just we shut down. We stop doing those things that we very often we forget what brought us joy. But it's still there. And I remember I'll give you a personal example. Um, I was severely depressed at a point in time, and I remember, um, experiencing this perspective of nothing would bring me joy. And one of the key things that I know brings me Joy is photography, and it was like at that point in time, it was like, No, I'm not interested at all. And it was like, No, that that's not not gonna be fun. And and the interesting thing about it is if you can push yourself beyond and actually engage if you know for one and you remember that it brings you joy. The key point here is go do it. Just go out and do it. Um, it is hard, but what you'll find and you can do it little by little, um, is if you do those things and it slowly, you'll find you'll work yourself out of that spiraling down and it takes time. But again, I think about in Journal down your thoughts about it beforehand and then after words how you felt. Um, and that's what's key is because very often what we know from a scientific perspective is that our mind, in a way, and we know this from mindfulness to is our mind. Um, kind of has certain expectations going in and about outcomes, um, and certain biases, and very often those aren't true. And so we we have to kind of focus on the things and take the learnings of others and and start to institute those things toe help. Kind of, um, again reconnect and recharge, Um, one of the other things in terms of the activities that people often mention is because they were like, Well, I don't really have anything that find that's fun. And you like bell the point to me. And that's why you always have photography. I'm like, you know, I've had a lot of things I've tried in life. Ah, and the key thing is, um, you have to try it and just keep trying and our expectations. I can give you a list. I actually had a list when I was young. We owe and so that's kind of interesting. Um, so photography. I was something at a very young age that I got into. But there were periods of time in my life where I moved away from, and then I came back. Um, and it's evolved over time, but that there were other things, um, that interested me. Eso, um, like sailing, um, motorcycles. Ah, skydiving. Um, travel. And so when I was younger, these were things that kind of popped in my head that Oh, that looks like it would be fun. I've tried every one of them. Um, and I actually have a list of those things that I've kind of checked off, and it wasn't, and I won't make this very clear. It wasn't because I just had to do it or that was a thing to do. It was like a genuinely interest me and I will tell you certain things didn't work out like skydiving. Nube. Ah, it was not a Z. It was not something. I wanted to continue motorcycles. I got my motorcycle permit and I decided, It's cool. It's fun. Um, but it wasn't what I expected. It didn't bring me the kind of joy sailing on the other hand, um, was something I found immense joy. And, um, but it isn't something that I invest a ton of time in. Um, it's it's something. It's for one. It's a coming, expensive hobby. But also it's It's one of those things that I enjoyed being out on the water. It's ah, it was with nature. The quiet, the serenity, all those types of things. There were aspects of sailing that I really like. There are other aspects. I didn't, um and so it's finding those pieces that work travel is another one that I did discover I love but certain types of travel, I mean, and again it took experimentation. Um, I really like going to the countryside of of different countries versus the cities and took me a while to figure that out and again it gets back to that was much more relaxing. And so that's what I think you really have to focus on when you try Hobbies is how does it make you feel? It's not about what do other people think or oh, yeah, I can brag about it because I did my instagram feed, right? Ah, yeah, That's probably the last thing you want to be focused on. Um, it really is about how does it make you feel, Um, in terms of bringing you that re connection and recharging? Is it something that enlivened to you? Uh huh. Yeah. And that's what I think is key.

spk_1:   14:30
Yeah, and that's I just want to come back to the thing that you touched on Matthew, which is about the journaling, and that is such a great ah mindfulness practice. And you gave us a really, really specific example of how it can help us with, um with the negative expectations and bias of the mind that we may have before we go and do something and then checking in afterward and often finding out that it actually fed us more than we expected. And people actually seemed happy to be with us. Um, and I'd like to touch on also Ah, fairly well known practice, which is the journaling on gratitude. And we've been talking about gratitude and taking in the good, um, and it It is a very effective practice, and it's so simple. It doesn't take a lot of time, so it can be as little as at the end of each day. You know, many of us have heard of us or have friends who have done it when we have done it ourselves. Five things, maybe five things that we're grateful for and they can be small. They can be the same. There could be many of them the same things that happened yesterday. It doesn't matter. They don't have to be original every time. We do need to really feel the gratitude, though, as we recall it and write it down. It's also helpful sometimes to put down a few things that we acknowledge about ourselves. If we do have that habit of, I don't know, low self esteem or down on ourselves to just write down three or five things that we acknowledge ourselves for having done that day. And they can be as small as I smiled at that stranger that I passed in the street. Or, um, I took the extra couple of minutes to brush my teeth instead of just falling into bed like I really wanted Teoh. Um, that just too Yeah, to appreciate what what nourished us and also to appreciate our own positive actions, helpful actions that we did in the day. And the really great thing that I've observed about that is that not only is it benefiting us as we do it, particularly at the end of the day, it's a really nice way toe, um, to go into our sleep time with a positive for ah, a pleasant state of mind. But also, as we do that practice, we start to be more aware of those things. During the day we start, we start to have what you could call a positive scanner, a scanner for scanning the horizon for all the good things that are happening, because on some level, our mind knows that we we want to jot it down later and That's a wonderful counterweight to what? What we've been talking about the negative bias or the tendency, you know, that kind of evolutionary tendency to scan the horizon for what's not okay and what you know, what could undermine us or what we have to watch out for. So it's a really good practice to to see the fuller picture and and all the nourishing things that we are receiving and also putting out in dealing.

spk_0:   17:34
I mean, you mention 3 to 5 things to write down in the Gratitude Journal. But I know even from personal experience that sometimes it's hard to see three or five things to be grateful for. Um, when you're depressed. Ah, and what I would recommend is just try to find one,

spk_1:   17:57
and you go ahead

spk_0:   17:58
and what you'll find is if you and I know what it can be difficult. Um, but if you really work hard at that, I think like and I'll give you a perfect example, because, um, I I have a couple friends who are depressed, and but they're both animal ah, lovers, and it's really easy. If you turn towards that and just be like, Oh, I'm grateful for my pet.

spk_1:   18:29
Yeah, and I would thank you for bringing that up. And I would also add that they can be really small. That's what I was trying to emphasize and reemphasize it here. I mean, it could be, um, yeah, just how I felt when my puppy ah, greeted me when I walked in the door. That's one thing right there. So not like, ah, whole huge thing. Like, I'm grateful for my dog. But I'm grateful for that moment. You know, when I walk in the door and how the dog is so happy to see me and there's no one else that they're that happy to see, um, And then another one can be When when my dog was cuddling with me on the couch that that could be a separate one. Um, so small. Yeah.

spk_0:   19:11
Um, and I want to bring up this. Ah, I'd watch the Mister Rogers, um, movie, which, if you haven't seen it, is an amazing movie. It's like one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. And I thought it was really interesting. And in, um, the movie, um, Tom Hanks, who's playing Mr Rogers and is with the reporter and their at a restaurant and he asked the guy, Toe, Can we take a minute? Um, to really think about those who love us and who have brought us here. And in a way, I mean, it's Is that gratitude?

spk_1:   19:52
Yeah. You know, in in, um, the meditation center where I lived for a number of years, we what we said either allowed once a day, one person would recite it for all of us. Are we just recited silently before each meal Waas This food is the gift of the whole universe the earth, the sky, numerous living beings and much hard and loving work. So that's something we can do. One meal a day or three meals a day is just to take a moment and look into all the conditions that came together. The universe is is offering us this food, the food that we need And who else is there? Obviously the farmer and all the work of the people who tended to the food and if it's a fruit, you know, picked the fruit. The trucker Yeah, the, um the cashier who sold you the fruit yourself for bringing it home you can acknowledge yourself for going and getting yourself some nice fresh fruit to eat.

spk_0:   20:55
And I think that's interesting because really, what you're being grateful for, its the community people that are here to support you.

spk_1:   21:01
Yes, and it helps dissolve that illusion that were isolated and alone and separate because whatever our, um so if that's if this is a good time, I'd like to share a poem by the by the teacher from the meditation center. That's the venerable Zen master Thich Naht Hahn. Very, um, renowned founding teacher in the West on mindfulness. He's also a very gifted poet, and this is his poem called The Good News. They don't publish the good news. The good news is published by us. We have a special edition every moment, and we need you to read it. The good news is that you are alive and the linden tree is still there, standing firm in the harsh winter. The good news is that you have wonderful eyes to touch the blue sky. The good news is that your child is there before you and your arms are available. Hugging is possible. Yeah, they only print what is wrong look at each of our special editions. We always offer the things that are not wrong. We want you to benefit from them and help protect them. The dandelion is there by the sidewalk, smiling. It's wondrous smile singing the song of eternity. Listen, you have ears that can hear it. Bow your head, listen to it. Leave behind the world of sorrow and preoccupation and get free. The latest good news is that you can do it.

spk_0:   23:08
That's wonderful. So that's all we have for today. Thank you very much for listening. For more information, go to our website at the way to well, being dot com or for more information on Barbara and how she could assist you in furthering your mindfulness activities. Visit her website at barbara Newell dot com. Thank you very much. Thank you. Have a wonderful day.