Are you ready to journey back in time and witness a gladiatorial clash between two historical goliaths, Vlad the Impaler and Shaka Zulu? Brace yourselves, listeners! This episode dives into the icy depths of Vlad the Impaler's chilling reign, marked by brutal killings. We take you on a terrifying tour of his preferred weaponry - from Turkish sabers to literal hand cannons. Next up, we venture into the heartlands of Africa, where Shaka Zulu's reign left an indelible mark on history. We delve into the complexity of his past and the innovative military tactics that caused the death of over a million people.
Peek into the brutal world of Vlad, who built his reputation on fear and terror, and claimed around 80,000 lives. We present to you the gruesome techniques he invented, including his infamous impalement method. As we turn the pages of history, we delve into the story of Shaka, a warrior who rose from a troubled past to become a formidable leader. We explore the unique strategies and negotiations that Shaka implemented, allowing the Zulu nation to grow into a superpower.
Finally, be ready to witness an epic face-off as we pit Vlad and Shaka against each other. Who would win in this hypothetical duel? We analyze their physical builds, training, weapons, and strategies, leading to a heated debate. The suspense will keep you on edge before finally revealing who we believe would be the stronger warrior. This episode promises an enthralling exploration of history and a captivating discussion that will keep you riveted till the end, so tune in!
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@secretsiloshow
@just_ryson - Harrison
@thatcudikid24 - Eli
@x_gilby - Xander
Email us at Secretsiloshow@gmail.com for any questions, comments, or fascinating and creepy tales.
Please leave us a 5 star review but then say horrible things about us, we love it!
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Background music produced by Ryson and the song title is 'Coasting'
Here's our terrible website I made in two hours:
https://bunkerboys.neocities.org/
Thanks as always for supporting the bunker boys experience, your favorite low budget, low effort, and low testosterone show. As always this show is deeply satirical in every way and in no way shape our actual views.
Are you ready to journey back in time and witness a gladiatorial clash between two historical goliaths, Vlad the Impaler and Shaka Zulu? Brace yourselves, listeners! This episode dives into the icy depths of Vlad the Impaler's chilling reign, marked by brutal killings. We take you on a terrifying tour of his preferred weaponry - from Turkish sabers to literal hand cannons. Next up, we venture into the heartlands of Africa, where Shaka Zulu's reign left an indelible mark on history. We delve into the complexity of his past and the innovative military tactics that caused the death of over a million people.
Peek into the brutal world of Vlad, who built his reputation on fear and terror, and claimed around 80,000 lives. We present to you the gruesome techniques he invented, including his infamous impalement method. As we turn the pages of history, we delve into the story of Shaka, a warrior who rose from a troubled past to become a formidable leader. We explore the unique strategies and negotiations that Shaka implemented, allowing the Zulu nation to grow into a superpower.
Finally, be ready to witness an epic face-off as we pit Vlad and Shaka against each other. Who would win in this hypothetical duel? We analyze their physical builds, training, weapons, and strategies, leading to a heated debate. The suspense will keep you on edge before finally revealing who we believe would be the stronger warrior. This episode promises an enthralling exploration of history and a captivating discussion that will keep you riveted till the end, so tune in!
Follow us on Instagram
@secretsiloshow
@just_ryson - Harrison
@thatcudikid24 - Eli
@x_gilby - Xander
Email us at Secretsiloshow@gmail.com for any questions, comments, or fascinating and creepy tales.
Please leave us a 5 star review but then say horrible things about us, we love it!
It really helps us stand out amongst the sea of podcasters.
Background music produced by Ryson and the song title is 'Coasting'
Here's our terrible website I made in two hours:
https://bunkerboys.neocities.org/
Thanks as always for supporting the bunker boys experience, your favorite low budget, low effort, and low testosterone show. As always this show is deeply satirical in every way and in no way shape our actual views.
Secret Solo.
Speaker 2:Show.
Speaker 3:Welcome back to the fourth episode of our killer fight killer tournament, which will turn into a battle royale after the end of this one Killer Instinct tournament.
Speaker 1:Yes, that.
Speaker 3:And, as we've seen with the previous winners, we got Mirko Kroko, we got Carl Denke and then now we have the White Death. So this week we are going to fight my fighter, which is Vlad the Impaler, and then Xander's fighter, which is Shaka Zundu.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, I already know this is going to be a tough, super hard fight for me.
Speaker 3:So Eli is the judge for this one. He's going to take everything that we were saying into consideration and at the end he's going to have to decide who's moving on to the next round. Basically, what happens in the last round we have four winners and then those four winners basically us individually for an episode. We're going to discuss all the strengths and weaknesses between each fighter and we're going to decide on a location, which I think a location we talked about earlier, like a three story Macy's would be pretty funny. So we might do that.
Speaker 3:And just kind of duke it out and we'll figure out, like how to determine a winner between the four, how to determine a winner like the stats and everything like that. Because the first season, when we did this originally, we did it with just serial killers. It was me, my friend Shayla and Isaac, and the winner, out of every single one of those fighters, it was Carl Panzeram, which he is an intense serial killer because he was just a really strong and insane individual.
Speaker 1:Wasn't he like six foot.
Speaker 3:Yeah, he was like six two. He was like 180 pounds of like just pure muscle, like he was just intense. I don't know Like maybe he actually might have weighed more than that. He might have weighed like up to 20.
Speaker 1:Was he in the military at all? Cause I'm looking him up right now.
Speaker 3:No, he was always just like in and out of prison and like boys were there.
Speaker 1:He was drifter, serial killer Cause he was buried in Fort.
Speaker 3:Leavenworth. No, he was just hardened. He was a hardened criminal.
Speaker 1:It was kind of funny we were talking about Jude Law earlier.
Speaker 3:He kind of looks like Jude Law. Yeah, I just wanted to be sure. Yeah, but anyway. So this week we're talking about Vlad the Impaler and Shaka Zulu. I'm going to start first with my guy, and it's kind of funny. I listened to a podcast and instead of calling him Vlad the Impaler, they called him Vlad.
Speaker 2:Vlad. Periodically I might switch up his pronunciation. I think Vlad sounds better than Vlad. Vlad the Impaler Vlad, vlad or Vlad.
Speaker 1:Vlad, my name is Vlad the Impaler.
Speaker 3:Alright, so let's get started. So Vlad Dracul, the Impaler, or Dracul, also known as Dracula, he was born the original inspiration for Dracula Dracul. He was born in 1431, romania, 1431. Yes he was believed to be 5'9 and 170 pounds roughly.
Speaker 2:That's my build, so nice.
Speaker 3:Wait, really I thought your guy would have been way taller.
Speaker 2:No, that's me.
Speaker 3:Oh.
Speaker 1:Wait what.
Speaker 3:I was like what.
Speaker 1:No, that's not.
Speaker 3:Shaka. I was like I'm pretty sure Shaka is like 7 foot.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's what I thought.
Speaker 3:My book is like cream at the edge of our yeah. So a few names have cast more terror into the human heart than Dracula. Vlad was granted the surname Dracul, which means dragon, after his induction to. This is a weird fact too.
Speaker 2:That's terrifying.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but this was after his induction into the order of the dragon, a Christian military order supported by the Holy Roman Emperor. Isn't that weird? What the fuck that's fucking sketchy dude Dude.
Speaker 2:that's fucking weird.
Speaker 3:Yeah, vlad became a skilled horseman and warrior, and his preferred weapons were the Turkish saber, the halberd, a steel crossbow and even, on occasion, a literal hand cannon. Oh Jesus.
Speaker 2:This guy's like a monster hunter dude.
Speaker 3:Yeah as well, he's like a Turkish guts. Basically, he's like a Turkish sword as well.
Speaker 3:He didn't have armor, but he had a plated male shield. Okay, so he was captured and tortured at a young age by the Ottomans, which I'm sure is where his hatred began, along with his family all being executed. But after his escape, basically his reign of blood began. Now Vlad was charged with leading a force to defend oh god, I don't know what that says Wallachia Wallachia, from an Ottoman invasion. His 1456 battle to protect his homeland was victorious. Legend holds that he personally beheaded his opponent, vladislav II, in one to one combat and he literally just cut his fucking head off during the battle. Fucking hell.
Speaker 3:Though he was now the ruler of the principality of Wallachia, his lands were in a ruinous state due to the constant warfare and the internal strife caused by feuding boyers, and boyers was like a type of family, essentially Like the bourgeoisie, and he basically essentially slaughtered that entire clan too, or whatever. To consolidate power. Vlad hundreds of them to a banquet, knowing his authority would be challenged. He had his guests stabbed and they're still twitching bodies impaled. The name Impaler came from one of his most gruesome methods of killing and it essentially was impaling a piece, or impaling a wood or metal pole, and is inserted through the body, either front to back or vertically through the rectum or vagina. The end wound would could be near the victim's neck, shoulders or mouth, like basically popping out one of those three ends. In some cases the pole was rounded not sharp to avoid damaging internal organs and therefore prolonged the suffering of the victim.
Speaker 3:So it would pretty much like push their organs out of the way, yes, and slowly have them fall under their weight of their own body. The pole was then raised vertically to display the victim's torment. It could take hours or even days for the impaled victim to die Also, then just sit down, eat meals in front of the dying people, dip his bread in the blood of his victims. You know? Just normal shit. Normal Dracula shit.
Speaker 2:This guy's fucking crazy.
Speaker 3:Yeah, he also invited a group of people to dine with him, but he essentially played a trick on them and they sat down with Dracul and they ate with him and it turns out the meat was from dead family members and basically he just started maniacally laughing at the look on their faces when they realized this. Wow, so yeah, fun guy. In total, vlid is estimated to have killed about 80,000 people through various means. However, I will say benefit of the doubt for him personally, but like his army, yeah, because he was a leader. So I don't think he personally killed 80,000 people, but he definitely commanded roughly. That's their estimate, you know. So pretty much.
Speaker 1:Vlad did nothing wrong.
Speaker 3:Sure, yeah, he's just like George Bush. He didn't kill people directly, he just commanded people to do it. So this includes some 20,000 people who were impaled and put on display outside the city of Targovist, a three mile long and one mile wide field of stakes. Yeah, so that's a lot of bodies.
Speaker 3:Some people called this literally the black forest, and it was just stakes and bodies being hung, the site was so repulsive that the invading Ottoman Sultan, mehmed II, after seeing the scale of Vlad's carnage and the thousands of decaying bodies being picked apart by crows, turned back and retreated to Constantinople. Jesus and 1476, while marching to yet another battle she's fucking Christ and talk. In 1476, while marching to yet another battle with the Ottomans, vlad and a small vanguard of soldiers were ambushed and Vlad was killed and beheaded. By most reports, his head was delivered to Mehmed II and Constantinople as a trophy to be displayed above the city's gates, and that's what I got for him.
Speaker 2:Jesus. So yeah that's what I'm guessing.
Speaker 3:That is the legend of Dracula.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I never. I never knew how he died actually, because I never got to like the end of the book that I was reading he was a big fan of.
Speaker 3:You know, jen, oh yeah, I was gonna say well, he's, yeah, like I said, he's a big fan of genocide, but I forgot to. I didn't mention there's one torture method that he did, that at first it doesn't seem that bad, but the more you think about it it's like, oh man, that'd be rough. But he would essentially like make people walk, walk along like burning coal or whatever, and the point where they're like the bottoms of their feet were like, you know, like the, I would say like the top couple layers were essentially like burned away, right. He would then tie them up and rub a bunch of salt on the bottom of it and then, to make it worse, he would have goats lick the salt off their feet, and goats are known to have like really, really rough tongues, and so he would just like that was just like one of his favorite ways to just torture people, fucking hell. So, yeah, seems like a fun guy, a very fun guy, jesus Christ.
Speaker 3:God, that's fucking wild dude 80,000 people, roughly so, but there's no estimate of how many he actually killed too, you know, because like history back then, it's really really hard to Mm-hmm Determined. But I will say, even at a young age he was a, he was an actual warrior. You know, he wasn't a diplomat that commanded people to kill for him, like he could kill on his own.
Speaker 2:Yeah, vlad is ruthless Vlid. Yeah, vlad, vlad, vlad, vlod. Okay so it was really hard researching Not really hard, but Kind of. There's a lot of information about Shaka Zulu.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it doesn't seem like a nation that like really does like a lot of recordkeeping too.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm, well, and then people are just like, yeah, people are arguing about it, and I think you know, like there's always these videos where people are like, well, I'm sorry if I mispronounced something, and so Mm-hmm, and then, like the def, like the pronunciation has like clicking in it. It's like dude, stop. Like it's fine, yeah, like you're not gonna get it.
Speaker 3:And then no, no, no, okay. So I will say right off the top that's a very good point, because they said, unless you're born into those tribes that speak that way, it is impossible, literally impossible, to learn that language. Yeah, like with the clicking and everything. So it's like you don't have to worry about any of that shit here, because it's like for anyone wondering, like those languages are only for those people who are born into it, like you cannot learn them. And there's no point in even trying.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because the Shaka was born into the Zulu tribe, which is a sub-Saharan African tribe, the most famous tribe in Africa, by the way. Yes, Movies have been made. Warrior society is the better way to put it. And so he was born in 1787, and his father was the chief of the Zulu clan. But his mom was like the orphaned princess of a different clan, like nearby clan, which would later on cause like a lot of friction. But when he grew up he was like a young shepherd.
Speaker 3:And pretty much.
Speaker 1:So he was like running around on the hills.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh, like Jesus, like David, and so, anyways, when he was like a young boy, his father drove him, his mom, out of the village because there was a bunch of like controversy about them and their relationship.
Speaker 3:Oh Jesus, they get canceled.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so like they got banned from the Zulu clan right?
Speaker 1:Oh what no? And he's a.
Speaker 2:Zulu and they have to go to her clan. Fuckin' shit. Yeah, this is gonna be good, yeah, I'm great. And what do you know? They bully the shit out of him. They're like, ooh, this piece of shit.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and that's like big down there. It's like different, like like. It's kind of like our version of like what you would call like Native Americans. You know, it's like like they're different, like they're different groups. It's like you could either be like, oh, we're cool with you, or you're like literally like the devil, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, I think the whole thing was that, like his mom and dad were from different clans and so there was like a bit of like yeah, friction about that, and so when he came over they were like well, fuck this guy, and they like bullied him. There was this like warrior dude who was like a leader named Dingus Wile no way, that's his actual name, dingus.
Speaker 2:That's how everyone said it online Dingus Wile, oh man. And he like shocked, like trained under him and like learned how to become a warrior when he was young and like one of the legends is that he like trained barefoot and there are people out there like he didn't do that. But it's like dude, why would you?
Speaker 3:you don't know that, like he, very well, could have done that. I feel like barefoot would actually make more sense to me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but there's no proof. Yeah.
Speaker 3:It's a seven goal.
Speaker 2:Seriously say that shit online there's no proof of him taking off his shoes and it's like were you there yeah.
Speaker 1:Did you look at his feet?
Speaker 3:He wasn't wearing Nike's.
Speaker 1:He didn't have a Jordan brand deal. Yeah, sorry.
Speaker 2:I don't know how tall he was. Actually I'm thinking about it. I'm thinking about it. Yeah, I didn't really see anything about that.
Speaker 3:I'll punch it in, right, you should look it up. Really cool yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, under Dingus Wile, who's like, he knows like the politics, he knows how to fight. He trains under this guy, he does his barefoot fighting and then Shaka comes up with this idea for a different kind of weapon. So the common weapon back then are called Asagais, which are these long spears that they throw at each other from long distances, all these different clans that are scattered around in this area. This is South Africa. That's all right Not to interrupt you real quick.
Speaker 3:It was believed that Shaka Zulu was 6'2 and 165 pounds. Damn Roughly.
Speaker 2:Dude, clean, clean fighting machine. So yeah, this is like South Eastern Africa on the coast and there are a bunch of little clans. The Zulu clan was only like a thousand people For like 1100 people I got this time Very, very small, yeah, and they were having these skirmishes with nearby clans and villages. Those were like domestic things, like cattle or whatever, like private property things, you know, just like people hating their neighbors, common stuff, right. And then it's really like interesting because like the common way, so like when Shaka came into this like world, the way battles used to be were like they would line up, like different clans would line up and they would just like insult each other and kind of throw rocks and spears at each other, but like nobody died. And then like because, like you had a thousand people in your clan, you don't want to like go and waste 200 people in a battle. You know, like this doesn't make any sense, yeah.
Speaker 2:And then when Shaka was like learning to be a warrior, he was like, well, why don't we just like kill these people? They won't be a problem anymore? And then he had his like new spear weapon which he called Ilkawa, something like that, basically it was supposed to. It sounded like it was named after the noise it made when you pulled it out of somebody's guts. Oh weird, it was like Ilkawa or something like that. It was like you know, oh man, she's really brutal. So, anyways, the point is he's a warrior and he's training under this guy, and then you know, his dad is the leader of the Zulu Clan and by 1817, I think, his dad dies shortly thereafter. So, like, basically before Shaka's dad dies, he's like Shaka's like expanding the Zulu Kingdom with his like new tactics, because he came up with not only a new weapon and a new like way of like dealing with enemies, he also came up with like this formation that he came up with called like horns and the buffalo.
Speaker 3:Which is like a tactical advantage.
Speaker 2:I'm guessing Battlefield tactic, yeah, so basically it's like two. So imagine like two squares, one's behind the other one, and then there's like two horn shaped like battalions. Oh, okay, yeah, I can picture it so like they send the new guys in the orange shaped battalions to go around the enemy and then, like you have two waves to like crush the enemy Right, interesting, there's all these, yeah, so he's like. He's basically like Alexander the Great.
Speaker 3:Yeah, he's a warrior in his own right.
Speaker 2:Yeah right, like a general and yeah, so like his dad dies, and then Dengaswio dies, and then so after Dengaswio dies, he just starts expanding rapidly and it's like really bad because it's like a lot of genocide, yeah, and pretty much he just he gets to a point where he takes over like it's like 80,000 acres, like his empire. This is a giant empire, it's like this whole section of South Africa.
Speaker 3:And like how far south.
Speaker 2:Is it again, sorry, like on the Cape? Oh, okay, like just northeast of the Cape.
Speaker 3:So he basically like sounds like he ran that whole southern side.
Speaker 2:But, that being said, the Cape was ran by the Dutch and then the British, and so by the time Shaka got into power, the British were controlling the Cape. And so, after Shaka more or less consolidates all the clans around him and becomes like a superpower, he starts like clashing with the British. And there's like this famous Long after Shaka said there's like this famous battle that the Zulu tribe fights against the British and it's like they use the horns of the buffalo and they like crush the British. Hmm, surprising, but the British had like 1200 people and there was like 20,000 Shaka.
Speaker 2:Right 20,000 Zulu and yeah, ultimately that's a whole other thing Like the Anglo-Zulu war, but yeah, so like it's just, this is a whole fucking rebel. But Shaka reaches this point where he's kind of like controlling this whole area in the south and he starts clashing with the British and it's kind of like there's a lot of weird shit that happens. But basically they kind of adopt like the European way, like the Zulu nation, because like the Zulu nation is like giant now and they have like a standing army of like 40,000.
Speaker 3:Oh, because I heard like at the peak of his reign he was under, he was like a leader of like 250,000 people.
Speaker 2:Well, there's 250,000 Zulu, but then there's like those are the Zulu, like there's all these other people, oh yeah, yeah sure, it was like a lot higher. There's a lot of conflicting information, so it really is hard to kind of like grasp. But basically he like reaches a point where he's just, you know, he's not really a general anymore, as much as a diplomat, and he's doing all this. You know, he's making all these alliances and promises to like European countries and all this stuff and like. So he's like playing this whole role like emperor and then meanwhile, you know, he's still consolidating power.
Speaker 3:Wasn't he doing more rage? Was he more like a dictator? Well, I guess, yeah, I guess emperor could be seen as that too.
Speaker 2:No, I mean he reaches that point because it right, they, he pretty much like there's like a parliament there, like in this country, like it's like they pretty much just mimic like what the British were doing. Yeah, so they could like have negotiations with the British. So they're like this, like ancient empire amidst like this modern superpower, and they're trying to make it work. But, yeah, pretty much he is responsible for killing a million People, think it's up to a million of his own people, like it's like all of the things that I saw.
Speaker 3:That said, some estimate that during his reign, shaka caused the death of more than a million people. Shaka's wars between 1818 and 1828, which is-.
Speaker 2:That's a lot of people. So he pretty much wiped out everybody around him and then started taking the British on and then that, and then so in the middle of that whole thing his mom dies and he's super close to his mom because his mom's been through and been with him through all this bullying and his childhood and now he's conquering the world Like Alexander the Great and then his mom dies and pretty much it's all up for speculation. But the story is that he goes nuts after his mom dies and then like starts what I mean by like Roman emperor. He starts like doing like crazy shit, like executing people left and right and like anybody under suspicion is like-.
Speaker 3:No, just like near, like Nero type shit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly Like just losing his shit and then people around him just like murder, like his people close to him, cause they're like, okay, this is like oh yeah, wasn't it God.
Speaker 3:What was it? It wasn't like his half brother, like assassinated him, or something.
Speaker 2:There was a conspiracy, and so people, often like historians, are like well, we can't really believe the conspirators, we don't really know what happened. But you know what I mean. Then you're getting into the weeds, yeah, yeah. So basically he started with a tribe of 1000 and, like, ended with this giant nation.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's fucking wild and like took on the British.
Speaker 2:And he did it with spears. He had a long spear for throwing and then a short spear for, like, stabbing, and then he had this tactic of the horns of the buffalo.
Speaker 3:Okay, he's a tactician, you know his way is around like weapons and like leading people and all that shit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and there's like a famous battle yeah, I think I already said, but like after he died, it was like pretty much just the. It like really rocked Europe at the time because, like they had British people, like you know, on station there and like, oh yeah, our military is modern and capable and, like you know, the British people are wearing fucking wool coats and they're in South Africa, Right yeah, it's fucking super hot and humid and like dude the shock. I mean they left 60 of them and it was like 1200 British people. Damn, Something drift. I forget the name of it. It's like it starts with an R of it, it's like something R drift but ultimately like Some people called him the black Napoleon because of like his, his war efforts.
Speaker 3:Just crazy, I mean I could be more similar to Alexander the Great, because he just I would say so too Honestly.
Speaker 2:Cause it seems like he had.
Speaker 3:Yeah, exactly. Like he definitely seems like an actual, like legendary warrior and, oh, without a doubt could unify all the shit, but it's just like, yeah, cause I'm all I'm seeing is that he was just assassinated by two of his half brothers, but it doesn't really say anything else more than that. So, yeah, that could just be conspiracy.
Speaker 2:It's hard to say yeah, but he was 41 when he died.
Speaker 3:But it's also like it's what they say. It's like history is written by the victors you know, and which the greatest the greatest evidence of that is like look at the Viking nation versus everyone else that they fought, you know, or, like I should say, maybe the Christians or the, the Roman empire or not Romans, sorry.
Speaker 1:Like oh yeah, vikings were taking this and all this other stuff, yeah they were dirty, disgusting, like pagans, blah, blah, blah, but they were like.
Speaker 3:they were actually like cleaner.
Speaker 1:They were yeah, they use soap, they use all this other stuff.
Speaker 3:Most of them were farmers and they just wanted like they're out late you know, yeah, exactly. But because of their gods, they had no fear of death, which is what made them such formidable warriors.
Speaker 1:I mean, yeah, they're a bunch of them were assholes and they would like, obviously, rape and pillage, but but just like the biggest thing is like if you don't fear death anymore, you're pretty much like unstoppable Cause, like you don't even care, you will go like wraps through the hardest Well and not only that, but like the Viking mythology is like death is like a good thing to them, cause if you die in battle then you go into Fahala Death, death, death culture, or whatever.
Speaker 1:Yeah so warriors, death ain't shit but a new adventure. Yeah, Death society.
Speaker 3:But yeah, so possibly up to a million deaths by the hand of Shaka Zulu, which is significantly more than 80,000.
Speaker 2:Hard to track down and also there was a scene I read about where he, shaka, tracked down this guy who fucked him over, killed somebody I think he liked, and then he impaled them on a spear, so there he also does a little bit of blocks, little bit of that.
Speaker 3:Maybe some inspiration he heard from that. Yeah, cause it would have. Well, no, I mean, there's no way that culture would have heard about that. I don't think, oh well, why not? Sure, why not? Well, just say he did, cause it was like a hundred years later, roughly so he could have, or actually no, it was more than a hundred years later it was like three years you never know yeah.
Speaker 3:I was like 400 years later, yeah, anyway. So okay, interesting. This one's kind of hard too, because it's like because of the fact that they're both like, warlords Formidable warriors. Well, they are formidable warriors, Warlords and they're warlords Formidable. They don't. It's different than, like, say, a serial killer, because, like, how many of those actual killings are from them and how many of them are from people under their command?
Speaker 1:Well, like, also too, like Vlad the Impaler, has been known to use different type of weapons and shows so, as Shaka Zulu, shaka Zulu has a you know a, pretty like a you know the, like, the long spear they also had. They also have shields They've also used. I'd say I would compare, like the, the Zulu tribe, to like the Spartans. Okay, they, they had that camaraderie, they had that, they had that, what's it called that? The formation they had, the Dude, the physical condition the stocking power.
Speaker 1:We had a physical condition. They had these since you were like a child. They had these big shields too.
Speaker 2:I didn't talk about the shields.
Speaker 1:I think it's. They're five to six foot shields, yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, they have the long ones. But I think their shields were also made out of like, not grass, but like it was like high, Kind of like fibrous material it was. I believe it was.
Speaker 2:That's why that battle with the British was so like significant, because people assumed they couldn't like hold their ground but they like yeah, yeah, Absolutely destroy these British people Right Right.
Speaker 1:Which is cool. We love that. Yeah, we love that.
Speaker 3:We love, we love the slaughter of British people Allegedly, allegedly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm looking at I'm looking at Chakazoo's like weapons right now.
Speaker 2:And so it's the, the Asagai. That's like long throwing spirit.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, One of them is like a long club, the Isiwa.
Speaker 1:Well, yeah, or Isiwa is about Iwasa, sorry, it's a three foot club with a very hard like Ball looking thing at the end of it. Yeah, so I know what that is.
Speaker 2:Rod with this hand cannon.
Speaker 3:Well okay, that's like a special case, like that's not something you can just carry. I don't think yeah.
Speaker 3:Like you can't unless it's like a mini cannon, but even then, yeah, oh, yeah, okay, I see, so they he's got like a mini spear, because, okay, so the here's, here's how I'm kind of looking at it. Right, I think with these two, it would make most sense to me for them to be on an open field into hand-to-hand combat, right, yeah, with their weapons of choice. Both of them, it looks like they use spears, and the only difference is Shaka Zulu has a Zulu axe and Vlad has his Turkish saber so I couldn't actually I couldn't actually figure out how to pronounce the actual word, so I just called it Turkish saber.
Speaker 1:What did we? Let me see Like a like a cemetery kind of thing, yeah similar to a cemetery, it's just it's not.
Speaker 3:It's not as heavy on the top side though, so not as heavy like drawing weight basically, but it still has that curve that curved blade? What the Kalish? Yeah, I don't know, it's hard to J.
Speaker 1:I J Kalish.
Speaker 3:Okay, so the Zulu has an oxide shield, and then Vlad has the male plate shield.
Speaker 2:Not a grass.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But yeah, I told you, I told you it was made out of hide. Yeah, I can't remember.
Speaker 3:I think the Halbert is pretty fucking long. Yeah, it's about what? 10 feet long, oh yeah, so Halbert is like a spear mix with an axe, essentially.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's a spear with an axe head on the other way. Yeah, yeah, and then a spearhead at the tip as well.
Speaker 3:Okay, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say like that, halbert is probably gonna go right through that shield.
Speaker 2:The Halbert's, it's next level.
Speaker 1:There's a thing if, if here's the thing I believe it would go to this should I believe the shield would stand up to it. A Sort of good amount. But if Vlad was on horse, was on the horseback Charging Shaka Zulu, oh yeah, that should that she will okay.
Speaker 3:So completely yeah, I will say, like a hide shield, it's they can. They can withstand stuff, they. I feel like, honestly, if it got hit with the axe side of the Halbert, it would be fine. Against, like, like the shield would do fine. However, a stabbing motion of the long spear, I feel like it would go through pretty easily.
Speaker 1:I don't know why, I don't know why?
Speaker 3:but I just that's what I feel like it would do.
Speaker 2:So that would like.
Speaker 3:I would say that would probably take his shield away. You know, and one thing about the.
Speaker 2:Zulu's is that, like Shaka was like a super strict military and like, yeah, military, disciplinary and and he like was really brutal with like his training, and the legends are that he would make people run up to like 50 miles a day, but okay, so I don't think, is that possible? I don't think that's possible soldiers, like yeah, like when people will say that okay at the very least he makes them run like 13 miles a day without color shit. So right you know, like they're not completely helpless against.
Speaker 3:Calvary, I think even David, david Grogans. It took him like a day and a half to run 30 miles. Oh, david Grogans.
Speaker 2:But when you say Grogans, yeah yeah, spears are like what you want against Calvary right, right.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but but what I'm saying is like for this fight, I think it, I think it's totally fair to do basically just toe-to-toe with their weapons of choice. You know, yeah, like we'll say, we'll say for Shaka or not.
Speaker 2:So, we'll do like we'll do.
Speaker 3:There's there there. So Vlad would have a halberd and a shield and then he would switch to his Turkish Saber. Chaka Zulu would also have a shield and spear, but then he could switch to his Zulu axe and so and that's I don't know, that's just what it was called, but the way, but kind of how I see it playing out, is, if they're in a field, I feel like Chaka Zulu's shield would go away pretty quickly, but because he's like larger and Like it's, I don't know, he seems more agile to me too. I feel like he would get in close range of the halberd pretty quickly and knock it out of the way and then therefore, yeah, it would be short spear versus his Turkish Saber. I feel like then the Turkish Saber would cut the Short spear like the tip off, and then from there they would duke it out with the Turkish Saber versus his axe, and I feel like that's a pretty fair assumption.
Speaker 1:But then also, come to think of it too, I do. I may be wrong, but I do believe that Chaka Zulu has trained in like hand-to-hand combat, like without weaponry. He trains a warrior, yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, without weaponry. Yeah, they, they. They're both intense fucking warriors.
Speaker 2:At the end of the year, dude but Chaka Zulu like these people are running around the fucking desert.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, like their legs are so much stronger.
Speaker 3:Chaka Zulu does have a height and weighted well, not height. He has a height advantage but not a weight advantage. But honestly, yeah, height is kind of more important weight.
Speaker 1:But just like the thing about it. But here's the thing about it too. Like if if Vlad's wearing his armor, I feel like he's no.
Speaker 3:Vlad doesn't have armor.
Speaker 1:He has just the shield. Because I was about to say if Vlad's wearing his armor, that he's weighed down and he's like kind of Uncombered.
Speaker 3:No, he just like whatever fighting clothes, warrior clothes, okay.
Speaker 1:The. Thing about him would have been the shield that yeah, it was a little bit like you were brought the Halberd into it and that would have been over over there at the same time he yes, he does have a plate shield and that would actually deflect a lot of like the actual short at or short Short spear and axe too.
Speaker 2:Zulu. The thing is, chaka has the military insights. Yeah, true, I don't know. Vlad has the same thing.
Speaker 3:Yeah so one was.
Speaker 1:One was Vlad's reign the 1400s, right 1600s, yeah, 1400. And then Chaka Zulu's reigns was like the 1700s. So when he went against, his was actually the 1840s actually taken on the British.
Speaker 2:So then, the British.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so pretty much going against the British soldiers with their weaponry at that time. That's a huge advantage. But then also Vlad the impaler, having fought Chalazar me he was such a sadistic, sadistic fucker.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah Much more but the thing is too.
Speaker 3:It's like the Chaka. Chaka also does have a higher alleged kill count too. Yeah, but like the thing is like, it's like it's also like we both said.
Speaker 1:It's like, hey, he, like they both could have ordered a bunch of people to do a bunch of things. You know they mean right, like I'm pretty much in this one. We're just looking for a toe to toe.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah oh, they both have trained yeah they both have trained, so I mean you have to think about it like this they both have similar weapons, they both have intense fucking training and an intense amount of like. Well, at least Chaka, or Vlad, has an intense amount of like hatred for his enemies Shaka I don't know if he has like the same hatred but he's just, he was bullied, he killed, ended up killing all the people who bullied him.
Speaker 3:Oh, okay, okay, so yeah, so he has a hatred too, he's definitely, at the end of the day, shaka, like height wise, has the advantage over him.
Speaker 1:But you have to look at it like this, like it also comes down to weapons.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so Vlad has the Halberd, which is a significantly large weapon. Shaka has a short spear, and then there's the axe versus the Turkish Saber, and then a hide shield versus a plate shield. You know so, but that plate shield isn't going to mean much if you are fast, tall and you could literally overpower that shield with that alone. You know. So, yeah, so I don't know.
Speaker 1:A lot of factors a lot of factors for you to look at. Because, like, let's say, if Shaka Zulu were to like disarm, you know the Saber, the Halberd, just to get up close and he just like, completely, just plows through like the shield you know what I mean Just knocks.
Speaker 3:But then you know he still has the Turkish Saber, which is also a very exactly to. So yeah, I will say, I want to say the Turkish Saber over an axe as you X has the advantage.
Speaker 1:I would say so. Well, it has the advantage because you have speed and like length as well.
Speaker 3:But if you get stabbed a couple of times with a short fucking spear like that's going to ruin your day too.
Speaker 2:I think Zulu's physical build is probably outdoes Flots. Yeah, you know, I agree.
Speaker 3:I agree, I feel like, I feel like Zulu is probably a much harder. Hard much like hardened like that.
Speaker 2:That body.
Speaker 3:No, no, Like physically he's taller and I feel like he's probably more fit too, like he's probably like literally when I said 165 pounds of just like muscle.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and then, plus, not only that, it's like the Zulu clan was the most feared warrior clan in South Africa. That's because of and then Vlad the Impaler, yeah, because of him, and Vlad the Impaler, his army he was just the most feared man. He was the most feared man in what was his.
Speaker 3:Romanians Transylvania technically at the time.
Speaker 1:Transylvania. He was the most feared man in Transylvania, like in the whole country. And then you know Shagazoo, the most feared clan. Yeah, that's. They both have very revered reputations.
Speaker 3:Fuck dude, this is hard, I know like.
Speaker 1:I feel like this is harder than the serial killers, like with that in doubt.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, yeah, big time, because there's different factors Because I mean serial killers is just like, oh yeah, he fucked a bunch of hookers and slashed their throats or whatever. It's like OK yeah, you know, it's like it's easier to term. But if you like factor in people from history who were like hardened fucking warriors, it's like oh shit, like because, like the biggest thing too is like I wish we had like a simulator to do this shit.
Speaker 1:It would make it so much easier. I'm sure we could. It is warrior.
Speaker 3:I mean, I could, I could, I could try to figure out something like that for next time and like figure out how to like run numbers in a certain way. But, you know, but right now, you basically just have to determine it based off everything that you've heard. Yeah, I honestly, though, like to give my two cents. I honestly kind of feel like Shaka has this.
Speaker 3:Yeah, because I'm kind of the two, but like it's just, weird because they they both have advantages and disadvantages and it's like really hard to like say well, they're on the same level.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean?
Speaker 1:Yeah, they're not necessarily, not necessarily on the same level, because I'm pretty sure Vlad does have intense training. But then again it's like, due to different weather conditions, due to different environments, due to different altitudes, due to like all this other stuff, what they're they're doing, training and everything Shaka Zulu has the most intense environment that you could ever do when training. Yeah, he has the most intense conditioning. As well as being hardened through his training and conditioning, he probably has a mental amount of stamina he could probably fight for like fucking I don't know like a couple hours If he truly needed to.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, he like, if anything, if he had like so much adrenaline, he could probably overpower like somebody who's I don't know Mirko's size or Mike Dowd's size. You know what I mean. Yeah, but when it comes to weapons it's like Vlad pretty much has it in the bag technically. But then again, if it's like you can have all these weapons, but then if you have speed, technique, the ability to be like one with your weapon, it's like all that stuff isn't going to really matter, if you like, because, like Shaka has like a man's training.
Speaker 3:Well, it's like, it's like, it's like they, it's like they say the tools are useless unless the person knows how they're using it.
Speaker 1:Unless the person knows how to use it. Yeah, which is like good in Shaka's opinion.
Speaker 2:But it's not like Vlad doesn't know how to use it.
Speaker 1:No, no yeah, I'm not saying like that doesn't know how to use it either, but then it's like Shaka's truly.
Speaker 2:you know, an ancient warrior, but like in modern time, yeah yeah exactly Like Vlad is like it's comparatively so funny because, like Vlad, has more advanced weapons, but he lived 400 years beforehand, right 500 years.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's a good point too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's very interesting, Like a Halberd, like they don't have Halberds, you know, like yeah, exactly.
Speaker 3:Yeah, turkish Sabres. You know we have swords for that.
Speaker 2:But they took on the British who have like gunpowder and stuff.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there is that too, which is fucking wild, but you know honestly, I know I might get like some hate for this, but I do feel like Shaka Zulu takes it OK. Is that your official final decision? That is, yeah, that's my official decision.
Speaker 3:I am actually. I'm actually OK with that because I think, realistically, toadato, I think Shaka Zulu just being like a hardened, intense warrior, I think he would overpower Vlad.
Speaker 2:I think at the end of the day at the end of last days.
Speaker 3:I feel like he probably relied more on his people.
Speaker 1:His army? Yeah, because I feel like he was a torturer. He was like doing me wrong. I'm pretty sure he had like a lot of training with weapons and then conditioning, yeah, but I feel like in all reality he relied on his army and he only got his, his name, like you know, dracula from you know drinking captured, like the enemy's blood when they were captured, or freaking, like impaling them when they were captured, like yeah, and it's like if he were to do that in the battlefield, like slit somebody's freaking throat and just drinking their blood like dude, that's a badass motherfucker.
Speaker 1:But like I feel, like, yeah, I feel like he did just rely on his army for like the most part.
Speaker 3:He would probably be everybody else in this but the White Death. But even if you, even if you just rely on your army at the end of the day, like Shaka, zulu is estimated to have killed up to a million people, versus Vlad, it was only at 80 versus Vlad the impaler, which is still like a fucking insane amount of people.
Speaker 1:But, you know, looking at a huge amount of, yeah, fucking huge amount of numbers, but it's also like you got a thing about conditioning, training, and then also battle, battle readiness, and then militaries have a things too, which Shaka took in the bag.
Speaker 3:At the end of the day, you know this is our show and if people disagree with that then just an hate mail to Eli, and Eli alone, you know he's like.
Speaker 1:You know that Shaka Zulu didn't happen. He didn't take off his shoes while fighting.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because he had crocs on. He had crocs.
Speaker 1:Come on, he put it in all wheel drive.
Speaker 3:Anyway, so OK, so that is the winner of episode four. Shaka Zulu goes on to the next round. Vlad is sadly out of here. I feel like Most people would probably do pretty fucking poorly against Vlad the Impaler, but he just went toe-to-toe with someone who I think just is a little bit better Like Carl Dinky yeah.
Speaker 2:Like Carl Dinky would have got laid out.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, big time.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, you know, if Vlad would have fought Miracle Copa, he would have got laid out.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we're just playing games of like whatever you know. But basically what we're going to do is for next week, we're going to take the four winners. We're going to put them in a weird environment. I like the idea of just putting them in like a fully stocked Macy's. I think that's pretty funny. We'll figure out more conditions than just that and then we'll go in there and figure out who's going to be the winner of those four, because all four of them are basically going to go into a battle royale, essentially.
Speaker 2:Do you have any predictions?
Speaker 3:I, no, I don't.
Speaker 1:I feel like we should leave the predictions like off, off, off episode, no biases, no biases, yeah, off episode. I think that's good, because we really have to boil it down to like no favorites, just straight up.
Speaker 3:Fairness, good scenarios for each person At this point, we no longer have roles, you know, and judges we're all. The three of us are coming together to determine like a winner out of like one person that all three of us essentially agree on, and then that'll be the episode for that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so we have to like, whether it's weapons or just straight up and all out brawl. Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 3:So we'll figure all that out and you guys will hear it for that episode, episode five Of the second season of our killer tournament. That being said, thank you for stopping by this episode Once again. You can email us at secretciloshowcom. You can follow us on Instagram TikTok, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. All that bullshit, leave us five stars.
Speaker 2:Blah, blah, blah, blah blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you get the deal.
Speaker 3:Okay, so do all that fucking bullshit, cause I mean, you know, we, we, we just miss it in the way that we do. But you know, obviously it helps us stand out because literally fucking everybody in the year 2020 decided to be trendy and start a podcast, and we're not innocent of that either, but we like someone out there to give us a little review. I feel like we are probably one of the more unique shows out there Because oh yeah, I wouldn't doubt it, yeah.
Speaker 3:We drew inspiration from a couple different shows. I'm not gonna say which shows, but yeah, it's just well. I kind of wanted to come up with something unique.
Speaker 3:Cause everybody wants to talk about, you know, true crime and facts and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But you know it's like that's just kind of boring and boring. We want to do something more fun, you know, but not, but not. But we also don't consider ourselves comedians either. Have a good sense of humor with each other and we've been told many times from other people that were funny. So we just let it go to our head.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we're just we're not trying to be like a true crime fact based show and we're not trying to be a comedy only type based show. We're trying to find our own niche crowd, basically. So yeah, I mean, that's essentially it. So any parting words from you, two fucking cucks?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean yeah, tune in, tune in for the next episode where we, you know, get together and find out who's the winner.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was doing research on Chaka Zulu and this guy on YouTube is like don't get mad at me if I mispronounce anything here, and this is like the most such a difficult story to follow and some of the pronunciations have like clicks in them Mdwon, they. He's like forgive me if I mispronounce it.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, he's just worried about not being careful because he's a cuckoo. Forgive me if I mispronounce your face Like sir, go sit in the, go sit in the cup chair, ok.
Speaker 2:No, I mean yeah.
Speaker 3:I will say parting words Don't fuck pilot eggs, because that is not good. You should eat your eggs instead, because the government tells you not to eat eggs. They're like oh, it raises your your estrogen level. No, no, that's so extra, so it means they say it raises your heart pressure or blood pressure.
Speaker 1:Is it?
Speaker 3:really no, of course not. It makes you more powerful, makes you eggs. You should eat eggs all the fucking time. I was just saying don't fuck your eggs, because Xander's nickname is egg fucker 69. So that's true. Don't do that. Stand there, it's my favorite shape. Yeah, that's, but that's my, that's my advice for you guys this week Don't fucking eat eggs, eat them instead. It's fine. You can maybe get away with taking like a, not a syringe, but like a, like a, like a little droplet, you know, and put some egg in there and then put up your urethra. That's probably fine. Your three, that's actually probably not a. Medically, that's probably not OK. Don't do that. No, I highly doubt that's OK. I mean, Eli does it all the time, but I'm saying you shouldn't. Eli is a special.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I stick it up my urethra's and my. What is it? Is that really my Cerebellum? When did I change my ear? You're busy my Pernumbrum, your perinum.
Speaker 3:Your prize and my friend. I like how you mumbled out because you didn't know what it was. You're like my perinum. What do they say? Pernumbrum, pernumbrum, my Pernumbrum, your Pernumbrum. I think I saw perinum goes run by me, so I'm going to go like I literally saw. I literally saw a shadow on the ground run by and there's a cat still behind me, so I don't know what that was. Was it a gnome? It might have been a gnome. Anyway, all right. So bye guys, see you later. Bye.
Speaker 1:Bye.