Season 5 Episode 8: The Word on Coaching - Reflect

In this episode JoAnn, Debby, and Kevin share their thoughts on being reflective and using reflection in coaching.

In this podcast we decided to be our own guest just like when we started. In our conversation we talk about our definitions of reflection and how we use reflection when coaching others.

We share some practical ways to be more reflective and how to incorporate time for reflection in our busy schedules.

We invite you to invest a few minutes in listening to this podcast and we are confident as you look back you will be happy you made the choice to pause long enough to listen to this episode.

We hope you enjoy this episode.

Check out our best-selling book The Word on Coaching released on June 14, 2022.

Amazon.com: The Word on Coaching: 9781737643807: Neely, Debby, Auger, Joann, Fuselier, Kevin: Books

Also, please check out quick guide about powerful questions: "Embrace the Power of Questions!"    A Quick Reference Guide to Getting the Answers You Need. 

Transcript

Kevin 0:04

Hi everybody. Welcome to the Word on Coaching podcast. I am Kevin and I'm here with Joann and Debbie, say hello.

Debby 0:13

Hi everybody.

JoAnn 0:14

Hi

Kevin 0:14

everyone. We are coaches three. Three friends with years of leadership and coaching experience who want to share our passion with others. Our podcast are four leaders. Whether you have a formal title or not, because we know a lot of you out there are leading without a title. We focus on one word that relates to leadership and coaching. We know leadership can be hard, so along with our guests, we give you tips, information, and a fresh perspective and always a lot of support. We got you. So today will be a little bit different because we're going to be our own guest, kind of like how we got started off. Our word for today is reflection. We'll discuss the importance of reflection, how to use reflection and coaching, and reflect on 2022 a little bit. We'll do a few round robins of questions related to reflecting and reflection, and then we'll close out with some thank yous and we'll dig right into it, and we'll kind of take this as it comes. The first question I have for Debbie and Joanne is, how would you describe or define reflection?

Debby 1:27

The first thing that always pops into my head, Kevin, when I think about reflection, is hitting the pause button. We're, we are always moving, it seems like, at such a fast pace with things. I mean, life, life just moves so fast. And to be able to just hit that pause button and stop and look back, take stock on, you know, what's been happening, what you've achieved, how things are going, and then think about your path forward and what you wanna see happen to me, that, to me, that kind of sums. what reflection is to me and how I, use that in my life and, and with people that I coach.

JoAnn 2:03

Yeah, that's a good way to look at it. You know, I think of reflection oftentimes as reflection in the mirror, right? and looking at it and seeing things that maybe I hadn't noticed before, I not only try to do that, but I also encourage my clients and people I work with to take that time. And, you know, sometimes it's not real comfortable. I know when I look in the mirror I'm like, ugh. But then I look in the mirror sometimes and it is like, yeah, that, that's good. That was a good thing. It is, like Debbie said, it's taking the time and not just reflecting the, what we tend to do is reflect on the negative things, but, but there's some positive things and really taking the time to sort those out.

Kevin 2:49

I agree what both of you said. As I was thinking about this word reflection, I thought about a, a lot of different images, and one of the things that came to mind was, I was thinking about when you're drawing a line and anytime you stop your pencil, when you're drawing the line, you can kind of gather where this line is going, going to continue to go unless something changes. And so sometimes when you look back, you have to determine whether I need to change something or not. When you reflect, you may be on target, but if you look back, then you look at your destination, you may realize I'm a little bit off course and I need to make an adjustment here. When I think about reflecting, to me it just, it comes from a, a healthy place of, as you said, Debbie, hitting pause, and. Taking stock of different things and getting a real look in that mirror, as Joanne said, and thinking about how do we move forward and go from here. Those are some of the things, imagery that comes to mind when I think about reflection.

Debby 3:50

Yeah, I like that analogy, Kevin. Sometimes you look at the paper and you say, wow, I'm way out of the line. Right. My line is really crooked. Or, or it's ok that it's crooked. I like it better. Crooked. I like that analogy. Yeah. So why would you guys say reflection is important? So we just talked about kind of what it is. why is that important to do those things?

Kevin 4:11

When I think about coaching and reflection sometimes. people haven't taken that pause. They're just working, working, working, and they're not really thinking or they're just doing, doing, doing, and they don't know that they're getting the desired outcomes. I think back when I was in management a few times and I had people who would submit their end of year review and they had a lot of tasks and activity, but not a lot, a lot of outcomes. you know, they did a lot of things, but did they really have any outcomes? And so sometimes in coaching, I think it's important for you, a person to stop and take stock to see am I really achieving the outcomes that I set out to achieve or am I just involved in a lot of task and activity that really are not getting me or I need to get? So sometimes in coaching, you just have to look back at what you've been doing. you know, and see if it's really taking you in the direction that you really want to go.

JoAnn 5:13

Yeah. You know, I often, when I'm coaching with some of my folks And when I sense, or maybe they come to me specifically and say, you know, I really wanna work on my emotional intelligence. And as we know, it starts with self-awareness and, and self-awareness to me starts with the ability to reflect. Taking that time to look inward and to look at, you know, what is, what is it that I'm about or what is it that I'm doing, or what do I know to be true about myself, or what do I see in myself? So, I think it's a really important first step for anybody that's wanting to grow and to maybe move in a different direction, is to first look at where have you been and and what got

Debby 5:59

you here. Yeah. The two words, and I think it ties to what you were just saying, Joanne, that pop up to me when I think about why reflection is important, one is notice. if we're moving so fast and we don't take a minute to just notice what's going on around us, am am I getting results or not? Am I doing the right things? Where do I need to tweak some things? And you know, we don't take that that time to notice how we're doing or where we might be off track or what we need to do differently or how we're impacting other people or not impacting other people so that notice. where have I come from and what has changed or not changed for me? And then the other word, and this comes up I know a lot in, in our other podcast, it has come up, is the word intentional? To me, giving yourself that opportunity to pause and reflect allows you to be more intentional about how you show up. Am I aligned to my values? Am I not? Am I outta sync with who I said I am? You know, those types of things. And if you don't. the time to reflect. A lot of times you, you may not be as intentional as you want to be.

JoAnn 7:05

That's, that is so true. You know, and I kinda wanna take this a step further cause you've alluded to how you use it and coaching. But what are some other ways that we can use reflection in.

Kevin 7:18

A lot of times when I've coached with people, one of the things that I notice is they sometimes they don't give themselves credit. for the things that they actually have accomplished are the outcomes that they have achieved. Sometimes they're so focused on the next thing that they haven't even appreciated or acknowledged the thing that they have accomplished. And they may be feeling some frustration, like, I'm not getting here, I'm not doing this. But let's talk about what is working what is working, what is good? What is moving in the right direction? What have you accomplished? I've coached a person and talked with a person where they were so consumed about the next thing. that they never really enjoyed the thing that they were doing because they were always just focused on the next thing. So I think sometimes getting people to pause and reflect and give themselves adequate credit for the things they have achieved. And then of course, we can think about the future and where you're going, but. before we get there, let's talk about where we are right now and is this a good spot? And if it is a good spot, let's acknowledge that and reflect on that and the things that you have done. Really just getting people to, to give themselves credit sometime is something that you have to do in coaching.

Debby 8:36

I think that's a great point, Kevin, and, and to me that's how you can use as a leader, you know, this, this reflection with people. Sometimes people are doing. the hard introspective work, and they may be the only ones that see the progress or, that know that they've, they've made changes or they've broken a habit. So sometimes prompting that in them asking certain questions. I always love to encourage the people that I work with to keep a kudos file. Mm-hmm. you know, like keep, keep track of when someone sends you a nice card or email, or even if they just verbally tell you something. Because on those bad days you can go back to. um, Track what's going well instead of always focusing on what's not. That's a lot of times that's homework that I give people. I'll say, the next time I talk to you in a week, I want you to tell me two things that are going well, because every time I talk to you, you're focused on what's not going well. So let's, let's switch it up a little bit. Some people like journaling, so use that as a reflection. that you know, that you can work into coaching. And I think for leaders it's really important to model it, to do this reflection for yourself, but then also again, to help others with the reflection by, you know, asking them questions, doing little check-ins with them. And so that's a lot of ways how I use reflection in the coaching process, either as a coach or as a leader.

JoAnn 9:55

Yeah. And it goes with what both of you guys are saying is I use reflection to help people get unstuck. Sometimes they feel like, they're doing the same thing and, hoping for different results and, and so I will ask them to reflect on the last few times as it's happened and it seems to really help, especially with folks who, who feel like they don't have time to really. To really dig in and look at their lives. It's kinda like one of the excuses that we hear people often say when they don't use coaching or they don't coach their people, they don't have time. That's what I hear from people on reflecting. It's like, oh, I don't have time. I gotta move to the next thing. But when, in a coaching session, when I, when we really can start digging in and looking. that's where they recognize the areas that they're stuck in or that they're not growing in is because they're taking that time to look at it.

Kevin 10:54

Yeah, and I know sometimes in, well in leadership, you have performance coaching, you have development coaching, and I was in a performance coaching conversation and I use reflection. by just presenting the evidence to the person. there was something that we needed to talk about and I knew it was, could potentially be a crucial conversation, so I went into the conversation with, the evidence. And so I just put the evidence in front of the person and I said, look at this and, tell me what, what you see right here. Let's just pause and let's just look over the past 12 months and let's just, talk about this. And the person looked at it and I said, well, what story is this telling you? I mean, what do you see here? And the person looked at me kinda with a little sheepish grin. Like it, it appears. X, Y, and Z is happening. And I say, yeah, I'm starting to see that. And I'm starting to put those pieces together also. And that's really what I want to talk about today. And I was thinking if I had just gone into that conversation just accusing the person of something, they would've gotten defensive. but I just put the evidence in front of them and said, Hey, you look at this and let's just think about this. And I think it really helped us move forward because the person actually did change their behavior when it came to that part of their performance. And so to me, that's what reflection can do. It can help, sometimes it can help you find the. based on the evidence, right? And so you have to look back and just look at that evidence because, you know, I've had coach, coach, he say, well, I'm doing this and I'm doing that. Well, can I see it? Yeah. I've been working on my resume for, well, can I see your resume? Oh, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's Okay. Alright. Well why don't you, why don't you polish it up and then I wanna see it next time. Right. So just that question backwards. And then I know there's a question that you've probably asked me this question and I think maybe it's Joanne's question. Well, how's that working for you? To me that's a, a reflective question. So as we think about this how can, and I know Debbie mentioned a few things, but. what other things come to mind when we're coaching or helping someone become more reflective? And then how can leaders support the people that they're leading and coaching to be more reflective? What can they do?

Debby 13:27

I, I mean, I think there's lots of things and we, we have mentioned some of them. To me, the, the biggest one is the power of questions. You know, and helping people maybe look at something a little differently. You know, what else could be going on here? What's, what's the big picture perspective here? How, how does your piece. Fit into the big, you know, and helping them kind of look at things a little differently in asking those powerful questions just to shift their perspective and get them to think a little differently and look a little differently at something. It's funny cuz that's the, that's a question we ask at the end of our podcast is always right. What question allowed you to think deeper? Look at something a little differently. And to me that that's really what we're talking about is that power of questions to help you be reflective. I think for leaders giving feedback is a great way to help people be reflective, asking for feedback because then they have to think about how things are going and you know, how it all fits together. I think for ourselves, I see this especially end of year, so we're coming up to the end, end of year and a lot of people take this opportunity for reflection and then they do things, you know, to, to begin the next year. Things like vision boards or their, their word for the year and and things like that. And those are great reflect reflection activities. Right. Okay. I'm reflecting on where I was and where I wanna be. So what does my vision board look? That type of thing. And I think those are things that we can do for ourselves, but we can also help facilitate those conversations, those activities and things for other people as well. Yeah,

JoAnn 14:58

that's really good. You know, and simply by giving people permission, especially those who report you to be reflective you know, oftentimes people in general hate performance reviews. Right. Maybe we just need to call it a time of reflection, because that's what it, it's what it really is, is, is, but you've got. you know, for people to be really reflective, they've gotta be in a safe space to do that. And as a leader, I think we could do a better job oftentimes of encouraging people to reflect and making sure that we're providing a non-judgmental, yet we may have to talk about some behaviors or productivity, but we're not judging the person. So in so encouraging people to be reflective. and like Debbie said, asking questions instead of telling people what they should be doing or, or how they should be doing this. Asking what, what, you know, what do you think about it? Well, how does it look to you and how does your look year look to you? So that's the, the main advice I would give is first. Give people opportunity, give them permission, and then provide a safe place for them to do.

Kevin 16:11

I agree with everything that you're saying. I was thinking about something that someone shared with me it wasn't the context of worry, you can use this strategy in other ways, as they had a certain time of the day that they would worry about things and they say, well, Something would pop into their mind. They're like, well, I'll worry about that after six o'clock. And I was thinking the same thing with reflection is you have to set a time to be reflective. Maybe that's before I go to bed, I'm going to be reflective, and as Debbie said, ma'am, I'm going to write it in a journal or you put it on your calendar and when you put it on your calendar, Friday at three 30, I'm going to be reflective when you get to Friday. at three 30. You have to make a conscious choice not to take that time to be reflective and what happens. And I know in the world that I, that I live in, if it's not on my calendar, it's not going to happen. Okay? Whatever it is. Unless I dedicate a time and space, just like Joanne said, give myself permission that for these 10 minutes, 15 minutes, whatever that is, whatever amount of time. Then it's not gonna happen. I would encourage people, put the time on your calendar, five minutes a week or whatever that would be. And as it becomes a practice, you get better and better at it. And I hear people and I'll maybe this is what I'll do in 2023, is the people who do the gratitude journals, they there write down three things that they're grateful for that day. I'm like, that seems so powerful. But I don't do it because it's not on my calendar, so I have to put a reminder on it. But that's what I would say to people. As Joan said, give yourself permission, use a journal, but put it on your calendar and take some time to be reflective.

Debby 17:54

Yeah. And I think it's okay to try different things. I mean, we used to work with someone who hated journaling and every time you would say journal, he'd be like, did not even ask me to do that. That wasn't his thing. So he, you know, you gotta find out what worked for you or you're not, you're not gonna stick to, right. You're not gonna make it work. And it's interesting, Kevin, when you had brought up before performance coaching and development coaching, I had talked to a, a new leader and we were talking about she really, she really wanted to be, she said that type of figure that develops her people, right? She's like, I want them to, to know that I wanna invest in them and I want them to grow. And, when she would talk, she basically, she was deciding what their development looked like and what their development goals were. And so we talked about, have you ever asked them? like what are their development goals and what, you know, what, what do they wanna get better at and what do they like and that type of stuff. And she's like, no. And so she did that once and she said it was so foreign to the employee that they didn't even know, what was happening and what's going on. And I'm allowed to say, you know, how I wanted to develop. And, but that's a great way to allow people to reflect and take ownership right. Of their development and their performance as

Kevin 19:06

well. I was reading an article in the magazine just the other day, or it was online somewhere, and the in their team meetings, they start off with, Five minutes to gather their thoughts, and then the last five minutes they spend time reflecting on what they learned and need to move forward in the meeting. And I was thinking, wow, that's a powerful practice because your one hour meeting now turns into a 50 minute meeting where. you have time to gather your thoughts, and then you have time to reflect before, because in this Zoom world, we're just going meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting. You don't have time to reflect or assimilate or integrate or all those different things that your brain needs to do with all the information that's coming, coming at you. So like you said, Debbie tried different things until you find something that works for you.

Debby 19:54

Yeah. Goes back to giving yourself permission. It doesn't have to look one way, right. It can look lots of different ways. All right. So let's, let's put this into practice, you guys. Let's spend a little time with some reflection on this past year, 2022. So what is one thing that stands out to you about 2022 that you would like to reflect

Kevin 20:17

on? I know this may seem, seem vain, but actually getting our book published and seeing it in print, and when I look on a bookshelf and my book is on the shelf, it's like me and two of my friends, we, we did that. we, we did that and it's something that I always wanted to accomplish. when I grew up reading as a reader, I was like, I wanna be an author because I saw the power that authors have as they can reach across time with their books. And I was thinking We actually got it done and it's there and it's helping people is, the first thing that pops into my mind when I reflect back on 2022, that we actually accomplished that goal and it's in print and it's on bookshelves right now.

Debby 21:09

Yeah. I don't think that's vain at all.

Kevin 21:13

Not

JoAnn 21:14

that we're biased or

Debby 21:15

anything. Yeah. I have to tell a funny story cuz I have the book right behind me. so when I'm talking to people and I'm on camera and I, I kind of forgot it's been up there for a while and I actually had someone I was talking to on camera the other day. And while we were talking, they Googled the book, didn't tell me they Googled the book, and then they said, Hey, that book behind you, you wrote it, you're one of the people that wrote it, And I was like, yeah, I'm I forgot I was there. And I'm like, yeah, I did write that book. Yeah. I think for me it okay if I jump in, Julian this year's been very up and down for me and very. you know, and so I think you know, wrote the book I became a reiki master, like some, some long-term goals I've been working on for a year longer for some of these. And then I also had, you know, a crazy health journey where I broke my ankle and I've been in recovery for that. And I think for me, when I looked back on it too, with the highs and the lows, it's the word that always pops into my mind is the resilience of it, of this past year and just. Having to throw the plan out the window and come up with a new plan. And I had to do that more than once, you know? And so that is when I, when I reflect on the year, that's the thing that, that pops into my head a lot cuz you guys know I'm very much a planner and yes, I have had to not rely on that strength because I couldn't rely on it. So it, it's been a, a year of growth and resilience for. Yeah,

JoAnn 22:46

I've been thinking, I heard you guys talk. This has been a year of a lot of change for me in, in a lot of personal ways and business and personal professional, a lot of different ways. I want to reflect on, you know, good things happened this year because the tendencies like, oh, that didn't happen, that didn't happen, or I didn't do finish that. But there were several things this year that that I really worked hard at and, and they've come to pass still a lot of things to be accomplished in and around them., I think I want to reflect on, Achievement, which is hard for me. I'm always looking for the next thing. I finish one thing, move to the next thing, but what did I accomplish? What did I achieve? And how, I'm terrible at this, and I, and I know a couple of other people on this podcast are too, is celebrating our achievement. So that's what I wanna celebrate, I'll reflect on, is. The whole act of celebrating about the things that we did and that I did achieve.

Kevin 23:53

Even when I think about this podcast, how we started off our podcast, we're like, we're gonna have a podcast. And it was up and down and up and down because I think we were trying to maybe do too much. But then we said, well, let's do, do it in seasons and let's just do so many episodes. And we start to get some rhythm into it. I'm talking to people. And like you have a podcast. I was like, yeah, we have a podcast, You know? I was like, yes, we do. We do have a podcast in our book. And so, not that it's all about us, but we're sharing, and I think we even in our intro. We just have some ideas and we want to share it with other people. And as just look at it as a way to share some different things and provoke some thoughts or different things. And to learn, you know, the amazing guests that we've had on this year, just I've learned so much, you know listening to them share their stories and realizing, there's room at the top for me. And as I surround myself by these smart. energetic, lively people that, there's, there's more, there's more out there, it's been inspiring. For me to um, interact with our podcast guests.

Debby 25:06

Yeah, I think when you talk about reflection too, it's the opportunity, well, you know, well, what do I think about what that person said and how would I use, you know, some of the tips that they have out there, or having the opportunity tonight sick. What does reflection mean to. So I feel like even the act of doing the podcast and like you said, you know, interacting with the guests and all that, I feel like plays right into the, the whole theme of tonight and, and it's, it's an opportunity to reflect and be grateful

Kevin 25:37

and happy. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

JoAnn 25:41

Well guys, it's getting close to the end of our podcast and I'm gonna ask, the question we always ask the guest is, what will be your word on coaching, especially for 2023? And Debbie, I'll ask you and then Kav jump in there.

Debby 25:58

Yeah. So my word is energy. And it's funny cuz I, we talk about this too, of, you know, Sometimes we ask questions or things with the people that we, that we coach with and we're like, oh, I should take that for myself and think about that for myself. How can I incorporate that? And one thing I've really tried to ask people throughout this year is, where do you get your energy? And to notice that you know, what are the things that you do that give you energy? Who are the people that give you energy? who and what takes your energy? And just to really. that, and so that's really something that I wanna do more of in 2023. And then, then I think I also want to be very aligned with the energy I'm putting out into the world. And that's something that I've been working on as well. I got the best compliment today. I was talking to a new client that I'm coaching with. The first time I've met with him and he picked me from my bio, and the first thing he said to me was, I picked you because I liked the energy that I got. When I read your bio, I liked the energy that you put out. And I'm like, that. The best thing anyone could have ever said to me. And so I feel like that. And so that to solidify that energy is gonna be my word,

Kevin 27:09

my word is incremental. And I'm looking at this and one of the definitions of incremental says, denoting a small positive or negative change in a variable quantity or function. So for 2023, I wanna make some. Consistent little tweaks and adjustment. There's some things that I need to remove and instead of just just chopping it off, I wanna just chip away at it a little bit at a time and see the things that I need to get rid of. And then there's some things that I want to add, but I'm a person that I wanna make the whole banana split, or I wanna just eat the whole apple in one bite. I think in 2023, I need to think smaller, consistent. Bites, and that's really what I wanna focus on. Just incremental change instead of, you know, I'll work out for two hours for seven days in a row, and then I don't exercise for another month. When I, if I would've just started off maybe with five minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, then I can work myself up to 20 minutes a day. So for me it's incremental, making changes in different aspects of my life, but just small. Small little tweaks here and there, and just do that throughout 2023 and see what the results are uh, at the end this time next year.

JoAnn 28:34

I've thought a lot. I, you guys know I am a person of lots of words. a few words. The first word that came to mind was tenacious. I want to be tenacious. That tenacity is what got. us where we are, what got me where I am as being tenacious. Then what really popped right in behind that, in order for me to be tenacious or to have tenacity, is I have to have a belief. The belief in I that I can do it and the belief it can be done. So I'm kind of sort of cheating and saying it's two words, but I don't think I could be tenacious. If I don't have the belief in myself, the belief in others, and the beliefs of, of the outcome. So those are my two words.

Kevin 29:27

I don't think we can go wrong with those, with those three-ish four words,

Debby 29:33

I mean, it's always a roll break, Kevin. You

Kevin 29:36

know that. So Debbie and Joanne, of course. It's always a pleasure. Chatting with you. Thanks to our audience for listening. We really appreciate your support in 2022, and we look forward to 2023. Please check out more of our podcast and refer'em to a friend. And one thing that we really would like you to do is we know that many people have purchased our books and we know that you're reading them. Please send us more pictures of you with your books, and if you could do us a really big favor. Wherever you bought the book, leave us a review and let us know how things are going with the book. You can always connect with us on our Facebook page, which is coaches three, so please stay tuned in with us on our Facebook page. And again, it's time of gift buy. Why don't you buy a couple of word on coaching books for your, one for yourself, and then one for a friend. But in all seriousness, we do appreciate everyone who's purchased our book and we are are thankful and grateful for your support in 2022. And with that happy holidays and until next time, that is the word on coaching.