Season 7 Episode 2: The Word on Coaching - Power

In this episode, Coaches3 welcomes Mary Kaye  Bennett to the podcast to share her perspective on Power.  

Mary Kaye Bennett is an auto claims consultant for a major insurance and financial services organization.  She currently lives in Bloomington. She has been an auto claims rep, and an HR rep, and has moved up the leadership ranks living in various cities. She is a great leader. 

She grew up in West Virginia (like Debby). An important thing to know is that she has been fighting a battle with leiomyosarcoma for the past 6 years. It has had a big impact, as you can imagine, on how she lives her life now. She has been very transparent on social media about that and shares a little about her journey during the podcast. 

Listen in as JoAnn and Debby have a highly engaging and thought-provoking conversation about our power, how to recognize it,  get it, and keep it.

This heartfelt episode will inspire and challenge you!

Contact information:
Mary Kaye Bennett MBA CPCU CLU ChFC | LinkedIn
Debby Neely, PCC ICF | LinkedIn
JoAnn Auger | LinkedIn


Books Recommended in this episode:

Amazon.com: Taming Your Gremlin: A Surprisingly Simple Method for Getting Out of Your Own Way: 9780060520229: Carson, Rick: Books

Check out our best-selling book The Word on Coaching.  Buy a copy for yourself and copies to share with others.
Amazon.com: The Word on Coaching: 9781737643807: Neely, Debby, Auger, Joann, Fuselier, Kevin: Books

Check out our  quick guide about powerful questions: "Embrace the Power of Questions!"   A Quick Reference Guide to Getting the Answers You Need.  

Transcript

Debby 0:04

hi, everybody. Welcome to the Word On Coaching podcast. I am Debbie and I'm here with Joanne. Hey, Joanne. Hello. Hello. Unfortunately, Kevin is unable to be here today, but we are still coaches three, three friends with years of leadership and coaching experience who want to share our passion with others. Now, our podcast is for leaders, whether you have that formal title or not, because we know a lot of you are out there leading without a title. And we focus on one word that relates to leadership and coaching. Now we know leadership is hard. So we, along with our guests, we're going to give you tips. We're going to give you the information, a different perspective, always a lot of support. We've got your back. So it is girls night tonight. We are really excited to welcome Mary Kay Bennett. So let me tell you a little about Mary Kay. First of all, Mary Kay has known Joanne and I for a long time. So she gets right. Mary Kay, you kind of, you know, where the body's buried. We've got to be careful. A little bit. And then Mary Kay and I share a love for our home state of West Virginia. So yeah, so we've been connected for, for a long time. So it's a little bit of a home old home week. For us having Mary Kay here. And we have seen her really put herself out there for what she believes in, which has made her a great leader, just a great human. Currently Mary Kay is an internal consultant at a Fortune 50 organization where she supports a large territory with her expertise. And her influence to get results, and we're always really impressed, not just with how Mary Kay can connect with people, but how she stays connected with people. I think that's something I've always been really impressed by her. So Mary Kay, what else would you like our audience to know about you?

Mary Kay 1:53

Well, first, I'm so happy to be here with you this evening. And you're right. It was a wonderful time to reconnect, which we probably should have done before now. But thank you for that opportunity. And as you mentioned, after we talked, Debbie, I started thinking, and I was like, wow, I've been in formal leadership roles for over 20 years. And it, it doesn't seem that long, but then I had a conversation with my mother, you know mothers, they'll really tell the truth on you, and she reminded me that although I was an exceptionally shy, That all changed about, I don't know, second grade, and the switch flipped. And she said, yeah, you really didn't you really didn't shy away from wanting to be in that leader role from about second grade on. And I was always a child that liked to push the limits, much to my parents chagrin. But it was really always about, an intense curiosity around the why and how of things. And you mentioned that we both share a love for our home state of West Virginia. People will occasionally still pick up on that accent, even though I haven't lived there for 25 years. But I really attribute so much of who I am to that environment. You know, I grew up in Southern West Virginia. It is it's not a wealthy area, but what I observed was people who were smart, even if they didn't have a degree, they were intensely proud and, and worked hard for what they had. And they also were very generous in their time and their effort and always helping other people. And so when I grew up. That was my legacy from there. It was that you were supposed to leave things in a better condition than what you found them and, and help hopefully leave people in a better condition than when you met them. So that, that is one of the biggest things. And then secondly, and you and Joanne both know this, I had a surprise diagnosis about Five five and a half years ago. I know you had Amy Archer on recently and she she also got married late in life. I did the same thing. My husband and I got married just almost seven years ago this fall. And before our first anniversary, I got diagnosed with a rare form of sarcoma called Leo myosarcoma, and I've been treating for that in some way or the other for the last five years. And. While I will never say that that is a gift in any way, I will tell people that it provided some wonderful perspective. And I think that truly helped me turn a corner in that ability to connect with people and to own. my own authenticity of showing up because I really had to confront some things that were bigger than anything I had ever confronted before. So share a little bit with that, with your listeners on that, and we'll talk more about that throughout the questions, I'm sure.

Debby 5:27

Thanks, Mary Kay. And thanks for being so open and invulnerable and being willing to talk about that because I think that is a big part of your journey and even why we picked the word that we picked for the night. And to make you feel a little at home, Joanne and I will throw in a couple y'alls every once in a while. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, you're welcome.

Mary Kay 5:47

So

Debby 5:49

for today's episode, the word that we chose is power. Let me be really transparent here. And when Mary Kay and I met to talk about the podcast, I had a whole list of, I'm going to picture this word, or I think this would be a great word for her. But the more we talk, the more that word power just kept popping into my head. And, you know, Joanne and I are a big believer in intuition and listening, trusting our gut, what our gut's telling us. And it was like this big blinking sign as she talked about our core values and her approach to leadership and life. That just said power is the word for this podcast. So Mary Kate, tell us a little bit of what role do your values play in feeling powerful? Well, I'll tell you

Mary Kay 6:31

that when you pitched that word, that also shocked me because there were a ton of other words, you know, grace, faith, resilience, optimism, so many that I was thinking of. That did not include power. But it, in reflecting on it, and you and I talked a little bit about it, it was, it was really both power and empower. And as a female, I think so many of us have a negative or cautionary reaction to that word. We think about that being a, almost a discrediting. Type of description. But as I mentioned, when I thought about my values and and what I saw my grandparents and my parents do and the people I went to church so much of that revolved around the power of their faith. It was the power of their conviction and When I think about how that shows up at work, it's, it's a willingness to know yourself and as you mentioned, to show up authentically and trust people to accept and receive you as you are. That's what I think about when I, when I think about owning my power and how my values have influenced that. Those values are kindness, acceptance, intellect, honesty, and all of those things are important to me, and I have to be willing to show up that way. And also then respectfully ask others to do the same. Yeah, I love

Debby 8:26

that you brought up the trusting others to receive you authentically too. And I think, you know, one of the challenges that we talk about that we see leaders face a lot is around that whole, you know, the whole diversity, equity, inclusion, belonging, all of that. And that's a big piece of that, letting people show up. As who they are helping people to feel that they belong and that they're included. And so I feel like you say, not just having the courage to live your values, but to trust others to to receive it. That's I think that's huge.

Mary Kay 8:58

Yeah, that's. I would say that I'll give a call out to one of my friends here, Victoria, because when I first found out that about my cancer diagnosis for those who may have have dealt with similar issues or any other chronic issue I was very overwhelmed. I was working still. So working full time. in a job that I was still getting my arms around. So I had just started my new role about six months before my original diagnosis. And then I have moved quite a bit. So I had friends all over the place and they were very kindly checking in, wanting to get updates on how I was doing. And then Organizing doctors appointments and treatments and things like that. It's like a third job. And I told my husband that I wanted to make an intentional use of my social media platform and to be forthcoming with how I was, how I was doing and what the treatment was looking like and what the side effects were and how it was impacting our lives. But I wasn't really opening up to my co workers that much. And my friend, Victoria. sat me down and said, Mary Kay, let us help you. We want to help you. It's for us as much as it is for you. And She was right. There were so many people that wanted to help and wanted to feel connected, but they didn't know how to approach the conversation. That's the other piece of it. I realized that if I could open the door to having that conversation with people. That I created that same opportunity for others, because once, once you have that safe space, once you get past that apprehension, it's easier to meet people where they are.

JoAnn 10:52

That's so good, Mary Kay. And I wanted to go back to something you said that I think probably resonates with a lot of folks out there is when you first hear the word power and especially among women. We often think of powerless, right? We're powerless to do something. And I'm so excited that you're speaking to this because, we're only powerless because we see ourselves that way. Right? We have to change that view of ourselves. We have to, it's a mindset. And it's really sounds like you went through a whole transformation in that taking ownership of your own power. So I really wanted to let, you know, I think that's going to resonate with a lot of our listeners out there is that, even though we may have many of us have felt powerless that we do have power and that we can step up into that power. And so that's one of the reasons I'm really excited that we're talking about this topic tonight, and I wanted to thank you for that.

Mary Kay 11:51

Yeah, and I think that a lot of us, men and women, but I think it is more frequently experienced by women, have that whole imposter syndrome, because you sit there and think, Okay, am I ready for this? Do I have the skills? Reality is that none of us enter any new opportunity having 100 percent of the skills or the insights or, or the experience to do a job. That's part about stepping into your your, not only your power, but your potential. And recognizing that we're all how we get better.

JoAnn 12:34

Well, we did our first podcast a couple of weeks ago for the season and we talked about a lot of the challenges of leadership. So, would you talk a few minutes about how you would define what it means to own your power as a leader? And maybe just as a human, how do you

12:53

own

Mary Kay 12:54

that? That's a great question. What I've seen is that so many of us think about power as authority. But when you think about owning your power, I look at it from the lens of really knowing yourself and your value proposition and how you influence the environment and outcomes and doing it in a way that is true to who you are and meaningful to you and to the people that you're surrounded with, not necessarily by a textbook definition. And that also means you've got to understand your limitations and you got to be willing to set boundaries and and know when you need to seek help or or ask for others input or assistance. That's what I think of when we talk about owning your power, that there will be some scenarios or some events that I will be. At the front of the room, and I may be the loudest voice that won't be at every situation or every scenario. So how do I clearly understand what I bring to the table? And how do I respectfully and Assertively share that and bring it to the good of the group.

JoAnn 14:14

That's really good. When you were talking, I thought about putting the couple of statements you made a few minutes ago is that, you know, owning your power is recognizing your own strengths, your skills and your talents and your gifting and then maximizing that stepping into it with confidence. That that's what I hear you say.

Mary Kay 14:37

I agree. And it's, it's not for me. So many of us try and always focus on where we need to improve or where our limitations exist. And in my experience, you're never going to feel as good about yourself as you do when you are, are really leaning into the things that make you you. So for me, I mentioned earlier, right? I'm intensely curious about the how and the why I'm a brainstormer. So when we get in meetings, sometimes I will share, I have a tendency to process out loud. That's that helps me think through problems. And I understand this is not the meeting to do that. So, you know, I'll just ask, I might follow up with some of you all because I'm going to need to do some more problem solving. around this issue. So understanding that I can adjust my behaviors while still being true to myself and and being honest about what I consider one of my strengths. This is

Debby 15:50

why I love coaching so much too is when you talk about this situation and I see so many people that feel stuck. And to me, that's that powerlessness feeling, you know, where, and it could be fear is holding them back, but they just don't know what to do. Uncertainty, whatever that is. And when you can move to action, and that's a lot of times what a coaching conversation helps you figure out is what is that one step, that one thing you can do to move forward. And one of my favorite questions I love to ask the leaders I work with is. How are you going to take your power back? Because they'll admit I'm stuck. I'm fearing, feeling powerless. I'm feeling helpless, whatever that is. And then say, okay, so how are you going to take your power back? And then all of a sudden to see them sit up a little straighter. Oh, yeah, I, yeah, I got this. This is what I'm going to do, right? I think that, I think I love how that ties so nicely to what, what you're talking about is, is being aware, but then also, okay, I have this information. What am I going to do with

Mary Kay 16:52

it? Absolutely.

Debby 16:54

Another key ingredient, which I think has already started showing itself a little bit for leveraging your inner power is courage. So what do you feel helps you be courageous, Mary Kay, you know, to be able to take a risk or make a hard decision or have a tough conversation?

Mary Kay 17:13

You know, I'm a pretty competitive person. So I would say early in my career that competitiveness. drove me to some degree. I also always wanted to make my family proud. So my sister and I were first generation college graduates. I was really proud when I got my master's degree because I knew it made my parents proud. But when the rubber hits the road, You've got to care about the outcome. So I always said is the is the pay off worth the pay out because you've got to put some investment in whether it's hard work, elbow grease, long hours. For me, I think I've made nine moves. But hard conversations become less difficult when the other person can trust you and your intent and they believe that you care about them and that you're invested in their success and. That's part of my learning. We. often still see a limited number of a limited number of women moving into senior level positions and C suite positions. And, and I'm a huge Ruth Bader Ginsburg fan. And so I always loved her comment about how many women on the Supreme Court is too many. But when I think back to my career advancement, I also wanted to change the mindset of we're competing for a position, not against each other. So we can both be great at what we do. We can be competitive and understand that ultimately, again, the best person is going to be selected for that opportunity. It doesn't take anything away from those of us who didn't get selected. So it's really talking about what's important to that person and and helping. Them see where their strengths lie and building their confidence around again, owning, owning your power and knowing yourself and that, that authenticity that you're going to bring. So you

Debby 19:23

talked about knowing that you wanted to be a leader, maybe not in those words, from second grade, right? So that courage piece, do you feel like that's something you always had? It was kind of innate, or do you feel like that's something you developed? You especially did some of these courageous things as a leader, because to have a tough conversation is really scary to some people to make a decision that might impact have a broad impact is really scary to people. So tell us a little bit about where do you think that courage comes from?

Mary Kay 19:54

I Believe my courage to place myself in scenarios. Has has been somewhat innate. However, I will say that my courage to be vulnerable has come through my own life lessons. And putting aside What others define as success. You know, really doing that hard work of, I used to call it some self critical coaching. You guys, you guys did some coaching extensively with me, but then I stepped back and said, I have to do some self critical coaching as well. And pushing myself to understand what What was I afraid of in terms of coming to the table as I am, and not always relying on other people's assessment or feedback to define my value. And that, that came with maturity. It came from a number of, of disappointments. It also came from, you know, meeting my husband and, and feeling like, Hey, this is a person who really accepts me and and friends who. Accepted me and told me a story about myself that I hadn't always told myself. And I think that's really important that you have those people surrounding you who will give you an accurate reflection of who you are. Because sometimes those inner voices are not always kind to us.

Debby 21:41

What I'm hearing is you did the work though too, right? Not everybody either once. Yeah,

Mary Kay 21:49

I tell people all the time that look, sometimes it's not bad to be in a role for a few years because it takes a little time for your results to come back and either shine a bright light on you in a good way or shine a bright light on you in a not so good way. And we've learned a lot from our missteps. Failing isn't fatal. And mistakes, as long as they aren't repetitively made are some really good. Learning opportunities.

JoAnn 22:20

You know, one of the things I've always admired about you, Mary Kay, has been your positivity. I think part of this is part of your upbringing because it sounded like you've had a lot of positive people who believed in your life and I thought about you. I was reading this article just yesterday and I thought this is this is so Mary Kay. But Sky was talking about what the main topic was, but he went into the other topic. It was procrastinating and we typically procrastinate things that we just hate or takes away our energy isn't our strength. You know, are we're afraid of the results and then we don't do it. And he, he said, you can change that by simply making a statement. You know, like, for instance, I, there are certain things in, Debbie knows this better than anybody. I hate administrative work, you know, and I only reason I get it done is because Debbie's going to yell at me and she doesn't like joining. You said you're going to do, but, but he said, instead of like, I would get up like, Oh, my gosh, if I don't do that, Debbie's gonna be so frustrated with me. Why am I doing it? I just critical, critical and he said, you can change that by making a two word statement. I choose. I choose to work on this today because it's important to the work that we're doing. It's important to my relationship. I choose to do that. And just that one little twist. And I actually thought of yes, like, that sounds like Mary Kay. She would take something like, okay. It's distinct, but I choose to see the better in it. And and so I really appreciate that as well, and you,

Mary Kay 23:58

well, thank you. And I agree wholeheartedly with you that just changing those words changes the approach. So I've heard, instead of saying, I have to, you say, I get to right. And Debbie, I remember you choose joy, right? That was your tagline. There was a, there was a book and I'm not going to remember the name of it, but it was talking about eat the frog. And that was the other thing, right, is that if, if you know that you don't enjoy doing something, delaying it is not going to make it any better. It's only going to make you dread it. And it's going to be in the back of your head the whole day, taking the joy away from the other things that you're doing that you might have. Enjoy doing. So I, I love that mentality of, of putting perspective around why you need to do that. And then also just eat the frog, do it, and then it's done. And you can move on to something else you need or that you enjoy. Right, and you reclaim your power, right? Absolutely. When

JoAnn 25:04

you do that, that's, yeah, this is, yeah.

Mary Kay 25:07

Want to add one other thing because, because one person a number of people will speak about scanciety. So I have to get CT scans every three months. And for a lot of people that creates. So much anxiety about what the results are going to be. But to your point my mindset about this is there is nothing that I'm going to be able to do. That's going to change the result of that scan, right? If I've done my treatment or if I've tried to live relatively healthy. And when they, when I first got diagnosed, they said, you need to remove as much stress from your life as possible. And that made me laugh. But it also made me think because when you reflected on that, Other people don't put stress on us. We put it on ourselves. And, and so to your point, when I started thinking about that, I'm like, okay, if I want to remove stress, then I've got to change the way I think about things and the way I process this. And so I don't really get anxious about my scans because I know that my medical providers are great. As soon as they get the results, they'll call me and let me know. So I'm not waiting for the results. The other thing about it is. I don't have any control over that. So if I don't have any control, why am I allowing it to steal my, my happiness and my good mood and my joy? I just own that it, it's going to, there's going to be an outcome and I'm going to hear about it as soon as they know. And so we'll move on and do something that makes me happy. It's great. It's great.

JoAnn 26:43

I want to ask you kind of the other, the flip side of this, perhaps, or maybe not the flip side, but let's talk about empowering others. How do you connect with others and build trust so that you can help them tap into, to their own

Mary Kay 26:59

powers? I mentioned this before, but it's worth mentioning again. I believe it's about clarity of intent. So when I can, articulate my intent and a sincere interest in that other person and what's important to them and how I can help them. That helps create a relationship that's Based on honesty and that helps have sometimes difficult conversations. That also means you got to be receptive to the feedback yourself and stretching your own mindset because they may have a perspective that I've never considered and that doesn't mean it's wrong. I just haven't considered it before. Lastly, I would say you really have to be in it with them. And, and so I know that, I know you all have also been Brene Brown fans, but I'm a huge Brene Brown fan. And I go back to the the speech that she cited by Theodore Roosevelt about being in the arena and daring greatly. To me, that's the wonderful description. Of tapping into our power and also helping others connect with their power of saying the fact that you showed up the fact that you went in the arena that you went to that interview or that you opened yourself up for some potentially negative or constructive feedback or comments. That's what you need to be proud of you may not have gotten the result that you were hoping for, but there's learning to be had there. And the only way that you've lost is if you walk away and you never show up again.

JoAnn 28:44

That is so true. Well, let's talk about kind of bringing this full circle. What advice would you give to someone about owning their power?

Mary Kay 28:56

When you, you created the perfect entry for this, Joanne, because I, I do think it's about being honest with yourself. Not, not overly critical. Or hypersensitive, but honest with yourself and how you choose to show up. That could mean having situational awareness. Is this the meeting that I want to make this comment in, or is this the audience that it's appropriate to make it in? Be smart about that. Certainly engage people who you know and who know you and that you trust and walk through the, the options. Do a mock of, of whatever you're planning to say. But you can't own your own power if you are continually trying to change to fit somebody else's definition of what's right or what's you know, competitive. You have to be Aware of what you bring to the table with humility, and you can be confident and own your power and still be humble. But once you are grounded in who you are and understanding your personal, why. then that clears the path for the intent of your actions. So for me, you know, you go back to think about what, how my values influenced my power, my personal power. To me, my why always goes back to, I'm wanting to lead people and things in a better place or in a better, in a better circumstance. That's my why of Can I make life better for them, for us, for customers? And if I act in a way that is consistent with that, why I'm never going to lose.

Debby 30:55

I just want to point out, like, there's so many things that you've said at the time that we've been talking, Mary Kay, that are things that people can do for themselves. So to take some reflection time and say, what are my strengths? What are my core values? Those values that I would leave a job, leave a relationship. It's my line in the sand, you know, priorities. What's my debt? My personal definition of success. What's my why? You know, all of those are like great self reflection things. If people, if you've not done that yet. Grab a cup of cocoa or tea or whatever's your thing Absolutely. Sit down and do some of this because I, this is some of the work that, you know, that we do with people as their coaches.

Mary Kay 31:37

Yeah. You have to know your non-negotiables. You know, for, for me, I will always call West Virginia home. Right? That is, that is the only place I will ever call home However, my husband grew up. And our Children, you know, his Children are here, his grandchildren are here. And so my choice is that, Hey, I can drive home and be there in a day. And, and that works because. My non negotiable is I wanted to be close enough to family family. It's important. Right. And so this location allows us to adhere to that non negotiable of aligning with our values that family is important. Such a great

JoAnn 32:23

example Mary Kay. And how often we sit down and think about that right. I said, that's a great reminder.

Debby 32:33

Yeah. And I think that's when people say, you keep saying, you know, no, get to know yourself, know yourself, this, this is some things you can do when people ask, well, how do I do that? There, there you go there. We just gave you 4 things that you can do. Absolutely. This has been so fun. Mary Kay, like, really just hearing you talk, yeah. You know, Joanne and I, when we teach classes, we talk a lot about the wisdom in the room. And that's what I kept thinking tonight, right? Just being able to talk about some of these topics and hear the wisdom in the room. So before we let you go today, we do have three questions that we always ask all of our guests. So we're going to ask you tonight as well. So the first question is, what is a book that you believe a leader coach should read?

Mary Kay 33:17

So you guys may remember this one because it was one of the first books that I read after a coaching class and, and it's an older one, but it's Taming Your Gremlin. By Rick Carson. And it gets back to that negative self talk. Really? So, we let our inner voices speak so unkindly to us. Things we would never say to anyone else. Right? But we'll say it to ourselves. So, I think that's a great book. And then also again Brene Brown and The Gifts of Imperfection. Because that one again is one that is really good about the self awareness and living wholeheartedly. My

Debby 33:59

gremlin's name is Monty. Just

Mary Kay 34:01

saying. See, and you can even name your gremlin.

Debby 34:06

I say, shut up, Monty. Alright, here's the next question. What question have you been asked that gave you pause and made you think a little bit deeper, maybe a little differently?

Mary Kay 34:15

So I'm a contingency thinker. I'm always trying to anticipate if we do this, what are the possible outcomes and what would be what would we need to do in response to that, which is great in some situations. But I think sometimes it can limit my thinking as well. And so one of the best questions I've experienced is when someone asked me if there were no limitations. If there were no constricts, what would you do to achieve XYZ? Or to generate this outcome that makes me get out of the mindset of these are our rules or these are our systems and really prompts me to think more broadly and and have more of that growth mindset. So that's probably 1 of the best questions I've I've heard.

Debby 35:14

our last question is, what is your word on coaching besides the 1 we talked about tonight?

Mary Kay 35:19

Oh, wow. So another one of my favorite quotes is from Ernest Hemingway, and it was courage is grace under pressure. And, you know, again, through my cancer journey, I've really focused on grace, because You, you run into people either when you're not at your best or they're not at their best and what I found is if I changed my mentality to say, okay, they may have needed some grace today, or I may need some grace today. To me that in and of itself. Is courage because it's easy to to penalize people for things that's easy. It's not always easy to give that grace or to forgive or to delve deeper. And, you know, to your coaching background to ask the question of whether something else is behind that behavior or behind their actions. So my, my word would be grace. Perfect.

Debby 36:34

Mary Kay and Joanne, it has been a pleasure, really. I loved our little girls night. So, and thank you to our audience for listening as always. You can check out more of our Word on Coaching podcast. You can find us on anywhere that you listen to podcasts. Connect with us on the Coaches3 Facebook page. And our book, The Word on Coaching, is available out there. It's a great book to buy copies for yourself and it's a great book to share with others. So again, thank you all for being here. Great conversation and until next time, that is The Word on Coaching.